Chapter 25 – A Different Kind of Normal

Angela arrives as expected Monday morning, knocking and waiting for me to go and open the door.

"Hey. You don't have to knock from now on," I say, opening the door and stepping back for her to enter. "It'll be easier if you just give a yell and come right on in. I suppose I should really give you a key too." There's a full set of keys sitting on the hallway shelf right next to my elbow, but they're Rosalie's…I can't give her them. "I'll get one cut next time I'm at the mall. No real hurry though – we don't lock the door unless we're going out."

"That's cool." Angela smiles and then looks at the toddler I've got tucked upside down under my arm. "And hello…I have no idea which one you are."

"Oh, it's Bram." I flip him the right way up. "Come on Thing Two, say hi to Angela."

He dimples at her and then hides his face and I grin at Angela over his head. "Guess he's feeling shy."

"That's okay. We'll get used to each other."

We go to the living room, where Zeke is feeling none of his brother's shyness and immediately abandons his blocks to check out this new person. Angela, who is wearing jeans and a t-shirt, drops to the ground and starts talking to him, letting him paw at her necklace and examine her watch. She does stop him pulling her glasses off, gently catching his hands and drawing them back away from her face. Her manner with him is easy, and I relax a little as Zeke chuckles.

"They're really identical, aren't they?" Angela looks from Zeke to Bram and shakes her head. "I won't be able to change their clothes or I'll never remember which one is which."

"Oh yeah, we had the same problem at the start. We kept their hospital bracelets on until they started getting too tight, and then started drawing on them." I carry Bram into the kitchen and find a Sharpie, coming back to the living room and writing their initials on the back of their pudgy little hands. "There you go, that'll make it easier."

Angela laughs. "Thanks. Where's Holly?"

"Sleeping. She's been down for about an hour and a half, and will probably sleep for another half hour to an hour…she's really the easiest baby I've ever had. Daisy basically cried for the first three months of her life, and while the boys weren't that bad there were always two of them and it was more than twice as hard. Holly is…well, I definitely got lucky there." I sit down on the edge of the sofa, letting Bram stand up on my thighs where he grabs at my cheeks and makes cow noises, his newest trick. Without thinking about it I moo back at him, before catching Angela's amused look and flushing awkwardly. "Sorry, I…sorry. This just feels really weird."

She pushes her glasses up on her nose and smiles at me. "I know. There's always going to be an adjustment period with a new nannying job, for everyone, but this one is a bit more…I don't know! It's weird for me too! I keep remembering the way you were at high school!" She laughs, a little embarrassed. "I was such a geek, and you were always so kind of…cool."

"I wasn't cool!" I snort. "Until Esme took me shopping and dressed me up I was wearing Walmart jeans and ripped up thrift store t-shirts and shitty sneakers! And I spent half the time in special ed because I could barely read!"

"Yeah, but none of that mattered! You were tall and intimidating, and always came across so self-confident!" Angela protests. "And then you were dating Rosalie, and she was so smart and beautiful and good at everything, it was all a bit off-putting for us lesser mortals…" Her cheeks turn red. "I'm sorry, I don't know if you'd rather I didn't talk about her?"

Angela's casual mention of Rosalie has taken my breath away, but it came out so naturally that the accompanying pain seems to have blunted edges. "No," I say slowly. "I don't mind. I try and talk about her, around the kids, just so they know…I don't want them to forget her. So no, I don't mind."

Angela nods and says a little hesitantly, "When Micah died, I wanted to talk about him, but so many people wouldn't. Even when I was the one who brought him up they'd act so uncomfortable, like they didn't want to deal with my memories or my grief…"

"Or they don't want to say her name, in case it makes you sad," I say tightly. "Like you might have forgotten, until they remind you."

"And it's not like you ever stop thinking about it, not at first."

"Exactly. And I mean, sometimes it's hard to talk about her…but avoiding the subject isn't any easier. And with the kids, I have to talk about her. I want to, and I want other people to talk about her too. Because realistically, what we say…that's mostly all the kids are going to have of her. Daisy will have some memories, and Noah and Mac might too if they're lucky, but it's not going to be a lot. It's not going to even come close to everything that Rosalie was. And the babies will have nothing at all." I shrug, letting Bram slither off my lap. "I like that you knew Rosalie at school. That was a long time ago, but…at least it's something."

Angela picks up one of the small cars scattered around the floor and holds it out to Bram, who approaches her cautiously. "We weren't close friends or anything, but I certainly remember Rosalie well." She grins at me. "I have to admit I was pretty surprised when Bella told me about how many kids you guys had. I would have imagined Rosalie in some high-powered science job with a tidy little pigeon pair of kids, a boy and girl doing STEM extra-curriculars and cheerleading from toddlerhood."

I give a genuine laugh. "Yeah, I can see that! She was always pretty driven to achieve. But she married me, so I guess I dragged her down."

"I didn't mean that!" Angela is bright red and floundering. "Bella has told me how happy the two of you were together. It's just that six kids is kind of…"

"Messy?" I suggest dryly, smiling to make it clear I'm not offended. "Chaotic?"

Angela ducks her head and smiles at Bram. "A little bit, I imagine."

"It's all right," I say, opening my arms and letting Zeke clamber up on my lap. "I know what you mean…damn, I woke up next to her every morning and sometimes it still surprised me that Rosalie was here, with me. As for the kids, well it wasn't exactly in the life plan to have quite so many," I admit. "We didn't bargain on two sets of twins, and Holly was something of a surprise – which is probably pretty obvious. What kind of lunatic would purposely plan to have three babies under a year old?"

"Not too many people, I wouldn't think!" Angela says. "You certainly have your hands full."

"Your hands too now I guess," I say, adding stiffly. "I really do appreciate that you were willing to give this a try."

"Well, I needed a job so I guess it works out in both directions," Angela says honestly. "My mom just went into care and I really want to stay close to her."

"Is your mom not well?" I ask.

"She has Alzheimer's disease."

"I'm sorry."

"Thank you. My dad was taking care of her, but she deteriorated after he died and even though I've tried, she needs more care than I can offer her on my own. I found her a place in a facility that seems good, but I want to be nearby to keep an eye on things, and be there for her when she needs me." She smiles at me. "Mom's usually better in the mornings, so starting here late morning means I can check in on her whenever I want, which will be great. It means I can talk to her doctors sometimes too, and be involved in her care."

"Well, when I said your hours would be kind of flexible, that can go both ways," I say. "If you need time to do something for your mom, we can probably work something out. My work hours are pretty irregular anyway, and Esme and Carlisle are happy to step in when they can too."

Already I want this to work, and not just because I don't know what the heck else I'm going to do with my kids if she quits. Angela has a kind of quiet steadiness that feels restful and easy to be around, and watching her with my kids only strengthens my gut instinct to trust her.

She and I play with the twins for a while and then fix them lunch, which involves a quick tour of all my kitchen cupboards so she'll know where to find the peanut butter and sippy cups. I introduce her to Clementine, who enjoys the attention and ear scratches, and then leave her supervising Bram and Zeke when I hear Holly wake up.

"Is she hungry? Do you want me to make up a bottle?" Angela asks when I carry the baby back to the kitchen.

"There are prepared bottles in the fridge, I usually make a few ahead of time so that I only have to heat it- that's the easiest thing to do. She's taking four or five ounces every four hours, more or less…aren't you, chunky monkey?" I jiggle Holly in my arms and say to Angela, "Do you want to feed her? If you do that I'll sort the boys out."

Angela takes Holly and her bottle into the living room and I clean Bram and Zeke's faces and take them back to their room for diaper changing and naptime. They're tired and don't object too much when I zip them into their sleep sacks and flop them down onto their bed.

"Daddy's going to go to work," I say softly, stroking two curly heads. "Angela will be here when you wake up, and then Daddy's going to come back a little bit later, okay?" I know they're babies and I don't know what they understand, but I always talk to them like they do. "You guys be good. Night-night." I kiss two identical sleepy little faces and close the baby gate behind me as I leave the room.

Catching sight of Angela, curled up on the sofa with her feet tucked underneath her and her head bent low over Holly's blonde head as she feeds her a bottle stops me in my tracks. I'm learning how to live with the grief, but there are still times when something happens that slaps me in the face with all that I've lost. And even though I wouldn't have expected it, somehow seeing Angela feeding my daughter with such gentleness feels like another knife in the guts. Angela is talking to her softly and Holly's blue eyes are gazing raptly up at her face…it looks tender and caring and that should be your mama, baby Holly.

And it's not.

I put a hand on the wall to steady myself and take a deep breath before I move into the living room with a forced, casual smile. "She was hungry then?"

"There's nothing left of this bottle," Angela answers, holding it up. "Is she prone to a lot of gas?"

"Not too bad, I just hold her upright over my shoulder, or sit her up a bit, and that will take care of it." I kneel beside Angela and gently sit the baby up, rubbing her back as she leans against my hand. Holly burps, a dribble of milk sliding down her chin, and smiles at me. "There you go."

Angela unpins Holly's bib and uses it to wipe her face and neck. "Will she stay awake for a while now?"

I nod and get to my feet. "Yeah, probably…I've been trying to get her into some kind of routine where she naps at the same time after lunch that Bram and Zeke do, but I haven't got anywhere with that so far. As soon as the house goes quiet she's wide awake! But she's usually pretty happy to spend some time on a blanket on the floor with some toys to look at, or in her swing though, so it's not too bad." I hesitate, running a hand through my hair. "I guess I'm going to head off now, if you're okay?"

"Sure." Angela puts the dirty bib beside the empty bottle on the side table. "Is there anything you want me to do while you're gone today? Laundry, dishes, anything?"

I shake my head. "No, that's okay. Just look after the kids for today. Bram and Zeke should sleep for two to three hours, they usually wake up a little bit before the big kids get home from school. If you give them all a snack – there's fruit and yoghurt in the fridge - Holly will probably be ready for another bottle and a nap then. I've put her bassinet in her room, and all her clothes and diapers are there. She likes to be swaddled pretty tightly for sleeping, the Velcro swaddle wrap is in the bottom of the bassinet – you can use one of those? But I might be back by then – I've only got a short job lined up for this first day back, so…um, call me if you need anything. Or call Esme – you've got her number? Or call Carlisle if the kids are sick, he won't answer but he'll call back…all these numbers are on a sticker next to the landline in the kitchen…"

"I'll be fine," Angela interrupts. "You don't need to worry…really. I've got your number and I'll call you if I have any absolutely vital questions, or if something goes wrong. I've been trained in first aid and infant and child CPR, and I know the Heimlich manoeuvre and how to call emergency services if there's a fire."

"Okay, okay!" I laugh, holding my hands up in surrender. "I get it! I'm overreacting and being paranoid!"

Angela grins at me. "Just a little bit."

"Alright, I'm done…I'm going to work and you guys'll be fine. Bye-bye Jellybean." I stoop down and kiss Holly's forehead and wave goodbye as I head out.

Stepping into the shop, hearing the familiar jangle of the bell over the door, is like stepping back into my old life. I haven't been here since before…I push that thought away.

"Emmett!" Right away I know how happy Jonah is to see me, because he actually stops what he's doing, tells his client to take a break, and comes out and hugs me. He barely stops to strip his gloves off. "Welcome back!"

I hug him back hard. Jonah has been my boss, mentor, and friend since I was eighteen years old and he's seen me through a lot. "It's good to see you." I look around with pleasure at the familiar artwork hanging on the walls and all my things right where I left them. "You're all ready for me then?"

"Yes indeed." Jonah claps me on the back. "I'll give you this week to get back into the swing of things and then you can take your apprentice back next week – lord knows I'm tired of holding his hand. Although he's coming along, you'll be pleased…you've sorted out your own childcare issues?"

"Yeah, it's all set up and should work out. What did you book for me to do this afternoon?" I wander into my area, running a hand over the leather of the big chair and then cracking my knuckles. "You said it was something pretty basic?"

"Two women coming in together. One wanted her kids' names, the other one something floral – said she'd pick out of the book. Easy." Jonah glances at the clock. "They'll be here soon, so I'll leave you to get set up."

Jonah moves back to his work station and I start getting my things ready, listening to the rock music that he has playing in the background and the low-voiced conversation between Jonah and his client. I can smell antiseptic and ink, and I can't help but grin as I haul out the books of flash designs that my new client might want to choose from. I've missed this.

Christa and Jenna are sisters, nervous and giggly about their first tattoos, and I take a while to sit with them on the sofa out front and talk about what they want. Jenna leafs through the book, and I write out Christa's two daughters' names in different styles for her to choose from. I make her recheck the spelling, and then check it again once I've made the stencil.

"The last thing you want is to have to change your kids' birth certificate to match a misspelled tattoo," I say cheerfully as I carefully apply the stencil to her shoulder blade. "And that's what you'd have to do, because once this is on your skin that's the way it's going to stay. Okay…you're happy with the placement? I'm good to go?"

Christa checks it out in the mirror and then settles into position, screwing her face up in last minute panic. "Oh my god, is this going to hurt so bad?"

"It might hurt a bit," I say truthfully. "But it's really not so bad, honestly. And you've had kids…nothing I'm going to do here has anything on childbirth!"

"And you'd know?!" Christa giggles, and I feel her relax a little under my hands.

"Well, not personally." I laugh. "But I watched my wife do it, and I am pretty damn sure that my itty bitty needle in your skin doesn't exactly rival a whole baby human exiting your body." And I show her the photos of my kids pinned up on the wall and she tells me about hers as I ink their names permanently onto her body. I have to focus on what I'm doing, and for at least a short while I feel almost like the old me.