AN: Just a brief one before things go insane again... sorry.

Chapter Twenty-Three

It had been just over a week since Eric Lincoln had been denied bail and kept imprisoned to await trial and with that news Ana had come leaps and bounds. Today she'd gone back to work, to do a half day at the office and she'd been pleasantly surprised by her colleagues who all welcomed her back with open arms, cards and flowers too. Elizabeth had pulled her into the office, commended her on the amount of work she'd been able to complete while at home and while she asked how Ana was doing, she politely didn't ask for any details.

Ana had been surprised at how easy going back had been, while she'd been incredibly anxious going in, that hadn't lasted. Today though, after doing her half a day she had her appointment with Mary and she was finally going to do as Christian wanted and open up about the BDSM.

She needed to do it, it had been on her mind before Christian had mentioned it but now, he too had bought it up, she had been trying to find the courage to come clean to her shrink. It was hard though, to shift from speaking about sex for pain and abuse to sex for pleasure, especially kinky, dominating and non-conventional sex like she and Christian had been having.

"Thanks Luke." Ana said as her guard opened the back door for her. She wasted no time in making her way to the office, pushing her anxiety behind her once again.

Mary was as always happy to see Ana, and as she had done last week she could see a difference in her patient. Ana had gained a lot of weight, not too much but enough that she no longer looked unhealthy, her cheeks were full and there was more colour to her too. Mary knew she'd never get the image of Ana lying in the bed looking like a corpse out of her mind so she was glad to see Ana getting stronger every week.

"So how have you been since we last spoke?" Mary asked, things were different now they weren't doing the exposure therapy and Mary was letting Ana be more in control of the sessions. She felt that dealing directly with the memories of Elena and Eric was not helping in anticipation of the upcoming trial and it was better to focus right now on Ana's emotional needs.

"Much better knowing Eric is staying behind bars." Ana replied, he'd been denied bail just before her appointment last week, so she had taken time to process it since then. "And work today was… amazing."

"I'm so glad to hear that." Mary smiled and while to many, it may have sounded patronising. Ana knew Mary was simply pleased for her that she was getting stronger, getting better.

"There is something I'd like to talk to you about though." Ana said, glancing at the ground so that she could hide the blush on her cheeks that appeared at the mere thought of the topic she was going to bring up.

"Go on." Mary encouraged, her eyebrows raised at Ana's behaviour.

"You know… when we talked about coping mechanisms, before I went to Aspen." Ana said glancing at the Doctor who gave a small nod, whatever this was it was clearly difficult for Ana to speak about. "And you asked me about the club and I said I used to press the buttons of the Doms to get them to Dominate me."

"I remember." Mary smiled reassuringly.

"Well. I told you how Christian and I met right? About the time he came into the club and he… he spanked me…" She blushed again and looked at the floor, this was so embarrassing.

"Yes, you did." Mary said, there was nothing for Ana to be embarrassed about.

"Well… Christian… is a Dominant, his partners before me were all submissive women." Ana took a deep breath, she felt incredibly awkward. "We had done a couple of things…" Ana shivered at the memory. "Nothing violent just… like…"

"Ana, honestly, nothing you can say is going to shock me and it's between you and me." Mary said hoping she could help Ana spit it out already.

"Christian and I had performed scenes together, played, whatever you want to call it. You know kinky sex." Ana blushed but at least she lifted her head to look at Mary. "And I realised… maybe that's what drew me to Christian… his dominating personality and so… when I left here and we went to Aspen, I told Christian that I felt… maybe his Dominance and… submitting myself to him would help with that out of control feeling." She rushed through the last bit and looked at the floor again but whatever Mary was feeling she hid it well, she didn't flinch, not a single muscle in her face moved.

"And?" Mary asked sensing there was more to this.

"Well it worked…" Ana sighed. "I bought it up with Christian in Aspen and… he explained it better than I could about how he, in his trauma, became a Dominant and he thinks that… as a woman who had been through what I had been through that I chose to submit to those I trusted because when it comes to BDSM, the submissive has all the power, the consent is the power and so it puts the submissive in control. He said that conversation was the most honest and most raw conversation we ever had and I begged him Mary…" A tear broke free from Ana's eye as she explained this but it wasn't a sad tear, it was a tear of relief that she had found this outlet mixed with a fear that Mary might reject it all.

"Do you feel ashamed?" Mary asked as Ana wiped the tear away, her eyes glued on the edge of the coffee table because she couldn't look at Mary right now.

"No… I guess… I don't know…" Ana sighed, this was so much harder than she thought it would be.

"Has he hurt you?" Mary questioned and Ana immediately shook her head. "Has he touched you in any way without your consent?"

"No." Ana replied firmly, finally her eyes met Mary's and anger sparked there at the question the shrink was asking. "He would never." She added firmly.

"Tell me how you feel, when you're doing one of these scenes." Mary replied, satisfied with both the answer and the reaction she saw in Ana. It was important that she have Ana's full attention, that she could get Ana to be open and honest with her for this conversation.

"I don't know." Ana shrugged. "Free I guess… safe." She added the last word with a frown, it was a good way to describe how she would feel, with Christian she felt so safe, even blindfolded and bound she knew she was safe with him. Mary smiled softly and nodded, encouraging Ana to continue because she could see that there was more to this and she wanted Ana to just be open rather than bombarding her with questions. "It's a peacefulness." Ana smiled as she recalled their last scene in the playroom, only the night before as she had been anxious about returning to work. Christian had known without her having to say a word, that she was feeling anxious and out of control and he'd sent her up to the playroom, left her there for twenty minutes before he came in, tied her up and worshipped every inch of her body with his tongue.

"The psychology of BDSM has always been a hot topic." Mary said drawing Ana out of her memory. "Freud believed it to be a mental illness and it carried that stigma for many years. Some practitioners to this day won't treat or counsel people who practice non-conventional sexual relationships but I think it's become a lot more mainstream in recent years. Research shows that people who practise BDSM are typically a lot saner and suffer a lot less with their mental health than people who practise conventional sex alone." Ana looked surprised at her shrink, she had no idea where Mary was going with this but she listened patiently. "Do you enjoy the act of submitting Ana or is there more to it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, what about sado-masochism. Is pain something you enjoy?" Mary questioned and Ana frowned, did she enjoy pain? She wouldn't have said that herself, pain and pleasure as Christian had helped her understand, were two sides of the same coin. In pain there was pleasure, she enjoyed the pleasure.

"Christian thinks I'm a bit of a masochist." She replied eventually when she realised Mary wanted an answer.

"That's not what I asked." Mary replied. "Do you enjoy pain?"

"I don't know." Ana shrugged. "I mean… it's a tough one… I wouldn't choose to just experience pain Mary that's insane but… there's something … powerful… about mixing pain with pleasure…" Ana looked at the ground again and took a deep breath. "I like it when he spanks me, he doesn't use heavy implements, they don't really hurt so to speak…it's not about pain Mary it's about submission." On this last part Ana looked at Mary, their eyes meeting as she desperately hoped the shrink would understand.

"Look Ana, what you enjoy sexually is totally ok. What concerns me right now is not the sex, not the submission, it's that you're replacing cutting with spanking and sex, one form of pain with another." Mary replied and Ana sighed, she could understand that. "And I don't just mean physically Ana." She continued and Ana went to interrupt but Mary stopped her. "Sexually submissive people can score highly on the scale of neuroticism."

"What's neuroticism?" Ana asked and Mary smiled.

"Neuroticism is a personality trait that's mostly associated with anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, fear, frustration…"

"Ok I get it." Ana said her hand up stopping Mary.

"The most discussed aspect is usually the need for approval, rejection sensitivity." Mary continued as though Ana hadn't interrupted her.

"So what? We already know I'm all of the above." Ana replied and Mary chuckled lightly. "Why is that funny?"

"It's not funny." Mary smiled. "I guess what I'm most concerned about Ana is why you feel this is a good coping mechanism for you. If we know the why, we're better equipped to determine if it's healthy or not." Ana shook her head, this was frustrating.

"You've been studying."

"Ever since you said you enjoyed pressing the buttons of the Doms at the club. I didn't quite expect you to come in here and tell me you were practising submission with Christian but I wanted to understand the psychology for what you had gone through." Mary said and Ana smiled, it was very thoughtful of her shrink to have gone this in-depth into understanding her and it was clear it was going to be of huge benefit to her now.

"So why do I do it?" Ana shrugged, it was a rhetorical question and Mary knew it and waited patiently. "I don't know I guess… the feeling of being so out of control is consuming, I want to run, scream, shout, cut, sleep… it takes over me… submission takes over me too, it's consuming but in a completely different way… it grounds me, focuses me, centres me, silences my thoughts…" Ana's eyes flickered around different parts of the room, unfocused as she was thinking hard about how to put her feeling into words. "Christian makes me feel so safe and I know I can trust him, he doesn't push my limits but he pushes me to be a better version of myself and when we're together, when I kneel there waiting for him I can let go of all my worries and my fears, any anxiety melts away and I feel this incredible… peacefulness inside…I don't need the sex… it's the submission, it's the act of giving myself completely to Christian."

"You know, one thing I do know is that kink and BDSM are not self-harm for the most part, what I needed to know Ana is that you weren't the exception to that norm." Mary said pulling Ana's attention to her again. "From what you describe it's the complete opposite. If anything, it sounds to me like mindfulness."

"You've got to be kidding?" Ana laughed and in return Mary smiled, it hadn't been why she'd given Ana the book but it now seemed to make even more sense to the young woman.

"At the club, it was different, that was a self-harm, you wanted to be punished and you knew punishments would humiliate or hurt." Mary said and Ana nodded in complete agreement. "That's not the same as the submission you have with Christian. You speak about the calmness, that's what mindfulness should bring you if done well. Ana, I'm not worried."

"Thank you." Ana said, she had needed to hear those words.

"One day, I hope you won't need to practise BDSM to calm your anxiety, to help with feeling out of control, that you will have more… appropriate coping mechanisms especially as we focus and address the underlying trauma but that doesn't mean you'll stop practising BDSM either, it just may be that your reasons for doing it are different. In the meantime though Ana, I have no concerns whatsoever and if it works for you, then it works for you."

Ana relaxed, for the first time since the topic had come up her shoulders lowered and she exhaled deeper, Mary saw this and knew bringing this topic up had caused Ana a lot of anxiety, she was glad to have been able to help her with that.

When Ana left looking a lot lighter than she had when she came in, Mary was relieved that she had dealt with that appropriately. She'd had a feeling this would come up at some point and had made sure to educate herself as much as possible. The psychology of BDSM was complex and she made sure she understood as much as she possibly could so that she would be able to speak with Ana about it with proper understanding. A therapist who didn't understand this, would have caused harm to Ana's mental state, possibly ripped her from her only coping mechanism. There was a misunderstanding by people outside of the lifestyle, that an abuse survivor turned to BDSM as a form of regaining control of past trauma, but Mary knew from her research there was no evidence to support this. These were the things she wouldn't have known had she not done the research, these are things she may have thought and even voiced to Ana had she been unprepared for the conversation. Mary knew she would still need to learn, she knew even with this, it wouldn't likely be smooth sailing for Ana and she would need to be prepared for questions that she, right now, may not have had the answers too. One things she did know though, was that Ana was improving and she knew that the young woman who had suffered so much was incredibly strong and would continue to find strength.