Episode order continues to shift; "Squeeze Box" is now 6-19.
SHOW TITLE
INT. THEATER – DAY
A date at the movies. With a slight crowd before and behind them, ERIC and DONNA slide down an empty middle aisle, into the middle seats. Donna carries a bag of popcorn.
DONNA:
You know, before we decided not to have sex –
ERIC:
You decided. I'm ready.
DONNA:
Right, I decided - movies were just a dark place to fool around before we went home and did it, but now we can really watch the movie. Isn't that great?
ERIC:
It's fabulous. I mean, there's nothing I hate more than the feeling that I'm about to have sex.
In the aisle behind them, a blonde – let's call her SLURPEE – slides down, stops when she sees Eric.
SLURPEE:
Hi!
Eric turns around, sees her.
ERIC:
Hi. Hey. Hi!
SLURPEE:
(beat)
Okay!
She continues on her way.
DONNA:
(to Eric)
Isn't that the girl who sells slurpees? Why's she saying "hi" to you?
ERIC:
I don't know. It's weird. I've never talked to her before. I mean, maybe one time I said, "you're out of spoon straws," but that's it.
The lights dim. The film begins. Donna, attentive to the screen, begins munching on popcorn; Eric mopes.
ERIC (v.o.):
(thoughts)
Great. Now I have to sit through Kramer vs. Kramer again with no shot at nookie. First time we saw it, I said, "you know, dads can be good parents, too," and Donna's shirt just floated off.
DONNA (v.o.):
(thoughts)
What is wrong with me? A boy's gonna lose his mother, and all I can think about is fooling around. I am such a dirty girl. I should be spanked. Ooh, stop it!
ERIC (v.o.):
(thoughts)
Screw it. Sneak attack is my only hope. I'm gonna go with the yawn and grab. Watch out for my hand, pretty mamma, 'cause I'm not really tired.
Eric fakes a yawn and reaches a hand around the back of Donna's seat.
DONNA (v.o.):
(thoughts)
Oh, God. It's the yawn and grab. How do I stop it?
As Eric's hand reaches down for a squeeze, Donna tips the tub of popcorn over. Popcorn spills all over Eric's lap.
DONNA:
Oops! Oh, sorry.
ERIC:
Oh, come on. It's okay.
He brushes off most of the popcorn and turns back to the movie.
ERIC (v.o.):
(thoughts)
Great. Now my lap's covered in hot buttered popcorn. That's the most action I've gotten in weeks.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
A sunny day. A lazy day. HYDE reads a newspaper as he eats a sandwich at the kitchen table while RED rummages through the fridge. KITTY enters through the patio door.
KITTY:
Well, it's official: Pam's moving in with Bob. You know, I can't believe that woman. She's forcing poor Fez and Michael to carry in box after box loaded with her clothes and undergarments. I don't even think she's paying them.
HYDE:
No, but I'm pretty sure they'll help themselves to a few souvenirs.
Kitty shrugs, exits into the living room. Red, beer in hand, crosses to the kitchen table and sits.
RED:
You know, I bet you, with all the new crap that's gonna be cluttering up that house, this is just the excuse Bob needs to "forget" where he put that toolkit I loaned him last week.
HYDE:
Why don't you just go get it now?
RED:
I could do that... but why should I when I have you?
HYDE:
But I don't want to go get it.
RED:
And I don't want people your age in my house. But you are your age, and this is my house.
He gives Hyde an ugly grin.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY – DAY
The upstairs hall of the Pinciotti home. BOB, boxes in hand, strolls down one end of the hall just as Hyde comes around the other.
HYDE:
Hey, Bob. Red sent me to get his toolkit.
BOB:
Oh, sure thing, Steven.
(nods to nearest door)
Middle shelf on the bedroom bookcase.
He continues on his way. Hyde steps up, opens the door, and is greeted by the sight of PAM, topless. She turns around and smiles at him.
PAM:
Hi, Steven.
Hyde's hand falls off the doorknob. His jaw goes slack. As if in a trance, he turns around and moves as quickly as he can the way he came.
MAIN CREDITS
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
Moments later. Red is back on his feet, preparing a sandwich for himself at the island. Hyde throws the patio door open and slides back into the kitchen. He pulls the door shut, locks it, sits back down at the kitchen table, and looks anywhere but the door as his fingers drum along the table's edge.
RED:
(looks up)
So, where're my tools?
HYDE:
Not there.
His eyes settle on the far end of the table. His finger tapping grows faster. Red starts to take notice of Hyde's nerves.
RED:
Not there?
HYDE:
Nope. Not there.
RED:
They've gotta be over there. I know I lent them to Bob. Now you get back over there. I want my tools, dammit!
HYDE:
(quickly)
Well, think about it, Red. "Your" tools. "Lending" them to Bob. What is the concept of ownership, anyway? Isn't it all just part of the corrupt capitalist system keeping us down?
RED:
What the hell's the matter with you? I've never seen you this twitchy. You've been spending too much time with Eric.
He shoves his sandwich aside, crosses to the patio door.
RED (cont'd):
Fine. I'll get the damn things myself.
He unlocks the door and heads outside.
CUT TO:
INT. PINCIOTTI BEDROOM – DAY
The master bedroom of the Pinciotti home. Pam is still walking around topless as the door opens and Red takes a step inside. He freezes the second his eyes spy Pam. She turns and smiles at him.
PAM:
Hi, Red.
Red's hand falls off the doorknob. His jaw goes slack. As if in a trance, he turns around and moves as quickly as he can the way he came.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
Red throws the patio door open and slides back into the kitchen. He pulls the door shut, locks it, sits back down at the kitchen table across from Hyde, and looks anywhere but the door as his fingers drum along the table's edge.
HYDE:
You saw 'em too, didn't you?
RED:
(beat)
What the hell is wrong with that house? Open marriages, nudist parties, and now Bob's sending people into his room without warning while the town lush struts around, exhibiting herself!
HYDE:
What do we do about this?
RED:
What's there to do? We didn't ask for that! As far as I'm concerned, it never happened. We don't speak of it again, and we don't say a word to anyone.
HYDE:
Maybe that works for you. I just got flashed by Jackie's mom. I can't keep that from her. She's gonna know something happened. She's like a bloodhound who can sniff out whenever I do anything wrong. Things are still heavy with her and Pam. She's not gonna like this.
RED:
Oh, and Kitty will? Because she'll find out about two seconds after you tell your loudmouth girlfriend. You just remember this, pal – if I go down from this, I'm taking you with me. And when I take people down, they stay down. Just ask North Korea.
He looks down at the table, scowling. Hyde starts tapping the table edge again.
HYDE:
She say "hi" to you, too?
Red rolls his eyes; he still wants to drop it. But Hyde presses on:
HYDE (cont'd):
What is that, a come-on?
RED:
What woman comes on to their teenage daughter's boyfriend?
HYDE:
I know, right? I mean – I've been hit on by older women before, and it was great. Made me feel all naughty. But with this, I just want to reach into my brain and cut out the whole memory of the last ten minutes of my life. It's not fun anymore.
RED:
Well, Steven, that's what love does – it makes things not fun anymore. Enjoy it.
He turns away again as Hyde's head twitches this way and that.
BUMPER
MUSIC NOTE: "Can't Find Love" by Earth, Wind and Fire.
INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM – DAY
The aftermath of the movies. Donna sits at her writing desk, her back to her open door. Her foot taps relentlessly as she talks on the phone.
DONNA:
Look, Jackie, Eric and I came really close to doing it, and I am so jacked up on hormones, I feel like I could jump the first guy I see.
As she says this, MITCH comes up the hall and into her doorway, a peach cobbler in hand. He strolls into the room, sets the cobbler down on Donna's desk, and leans over her shoulder.
MITCH:
Then look my way, pretty lady.
Donna jumps slightly; she didn't notice him come in. She sets the phone down and stands over Mitch.
DONNA:
Okay, Mitch, you know I love having you around 'cause you say really nice things about me.
MITCH:
Like how the sun pales in radiance to the beauty of your smile?
DONNA:
Yeah, like that.
MITCH:
Yeah.
DONNA:
But I have to talk to Jackie, and it's girl stuff.
She takes Mitch by the arm and pulls him to the door.
MITCH:
Oh, you're so strong. You make me feel like Jessica Lange in King Kong.
Donna gives him a shove out into the hall and throws the door shut after him.
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY
The next day. Just the boys, but not the usual line-up of boys: FEZ sits in Hyde's chair, Eric and Mitch share the couch, and KELSO sits in the lawn chair. Eric has a half-finished X-Wing Fighter model in his hands, the open box for it on the coffee table. Eric works on the model with a tool as he talks.
ERIC:
You know why Darth Vader went to the dark side? He was dating a redhead who wouldn't put out.
FEZ:
So you are like Darth Vader in the sense that you're not getting any, but you are not like Darth Vader in the sense that you are weak and strike fear in no one.
Eric nods, gives Fez the thumbs' up.
ERIC:
Well, this is certainly one way to spend an afternoon.
KELSO:
You know, I never really got into making models. Guess I was too busy having sex.
He stands, crosses to the deep freeze.
FEZ:
(to Kelso)
Hey, I don't have sex, and I still don't build models. I don't have a single model or a single girl. My life is an empty hole.
Mitch looks over Eric's work so far.
MITCH:
Hey, nice job. You put the force field generators on backwards. One photon torpedo, and you're space toast.
He laughs and looks to Fez and Kelso to join in; they just stare.
The basement door flies open and Donna races inside.
DONNA:
Okay, Eric, that's it. I think we should have sex.
Eric grins, sets down the X-Wing.
ERIC:
Yes!
MITCH:
No!
Eric glares at Mitch, but before he can say anything, Donna pulls him to his feet.
DONNA:
Okay, I'm going crazy not being with you. You may not be a strong man, but you read my body like braille.
She smiles, and Eric gives her a slight laugh. They take a step in towards each other when:
KELSO:
Burn!
They both turn and glare at him.
KELSO (cont'd):
Wait. What's braille?
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY
Concurrent with the previous scene. Hyde sits alone on the couch, watching TV. His arms are folded tight and he shifts uncomfortably.
The front door opens, and in walks JACKIE. She smiles when she sees Hyde, moves to sit next to him.
JACKIE:
Hey.
HYDE:
It was an accident!
His yelp causes her to recoil slightly in her seat.
JACKIE:
What?
HYDE:
What?
JACKIE:
What?
HYDE:
What?
JACKIE:
Steven, I've never seen you this tense.
(beams, hugs him)
It's wonderful!
HYDE:
It is?
JACKIE:
Steven, if I learned anything useful from my mom, it's that if your man's not tense when you walk into the room, that means you're doing something wrong.
She rubs his bare sleeve, pouts her lips at him.
HYDE:
Uh... yeah, that's right. I'm tense because of you. 'Cause you're... too pretty.
JACKIE:
Aww...
She pecks his cheek. He wipes it on his shoulder, and she massages the spot she pecked.
JACKIE (cont'd):
You know, if we can slip down to the basement - I'm early for dinner and I decided to give going braless a try.
Hyde jolts in his seat, edging away from Jackie.
JACKIE (cont'd):
(confused)
Steven!
HYDE:
Well, does it always gotta be about boobs with you? Damn, woman!
Jackie scoffs, "excuse me?" Hyde can't take the pressure of her stare. He jumps off the couch and retreats into Red's study. Jackie looks to the TV and throws up her hands, "what was THAT about?"
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - EVENING
Later in the day. Donna has taken Hyde's chair, with Mitch hovering behind her. Kelso leans on the dryer. Fez and Eric share the couch, with Eric having finished his X-Wing model.
ERIC:
Okay, the tractor beam is operational. Don't get too close!
MITCH:
(to Donna)
You really gonna shine your love light on that?
DONNA:
Well, he's a different person between the sheets. What can I say?
KELSO:
Hey, guys, tomorrow I have this police test on interrogation techniques. I was wondering if I could practice on somebody.
DONNA:
Sure, I'll help you.
KELSO:
Nah, it's my first time. I'm gonna need someone much more spineless than you.
(to Eric)
All right, Mr. Forman - if that is indeed your real name - what did you do on the day of today?
ERIC:
(gangster voice)
You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat!
Kelso rips the X-Wing model out of Eric's hands and hurls it at the coffee table. It shatters into pieces.
ERIC (cont'd):
Kelso, what the hell?
KELSO:
Oh, just relax, Eric. I'm just doing "good cop, bad cop." That was the bad cop, but he's gone now. See, now good cop is here to take care of you.
He sits down on the couch arm, puts a hand on Eric's shoulder.
KELSO (cont'd):
Hey, how you doin', buddy? It's a real shame about what happened to your model. Why don't you tell me what you did today?
ERIC:
I came home from the restaurant and spent six hours building that model!
MITCH:
Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, but what about your encounter at the store with the girl who sells slurpees?
Donna's attention snaps to Eric, and Eric and Kelso's snap to Mitch.
DONNA & KELSO:
What?
MITCH:
(to Eric)
Yeah, you remember. She asked why you never call her anymore. You were like...
Mitch pulls a dumb face and shrugs. Kelso "oohs" and takes a few steps back from Eric – he doesn't want to be in range of potential fire.
DONNA:
(to Eric)
Wait. Is that the girl from the movies?
KELSO:
Donna, I'm asking the questions here.
(to Eric)
Was that the girl from the movies?
DONNA:
(to Eric)
What happened to, "I barely know her"?
KELSO:
(to Eric)
What happened to, "I barely know her"?
DONNA:
Why were you calling her, Eric?
KELSO:
Why were you calling her, Eric?
ERIC:
Kelso, will you shut up?
KELSO:
Oh, yeah, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?
He gets right up in Eric's face. Eric pushes him back by the face, turns to Donna.
ERIC:
Look, Donna... maybe I kinda know her. Maybe we kinda went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.
DONNA:
(stands)
Wait, so, the other day at the movies, you lied to me?
KELSO:
Donna, I am the senior officer here.
(to Eric)
So the other day at the movies, you lied to me?
ERIC:
(to Donna)
No, I... you know, I mean, it was the movies, you know? It's all make-believe.
DONNA:
Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight. My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion: anger at your scrawny ass!
Eric sighs, closes his eyes. Mitch, behind Donna's back, pumps a fist before reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder.
MITCH:
I'm just glad I could help the truth be told.
DONNA:
Yeah, at least someone's being honest around here.
With a last glare at Eric, she storms up the stairs.
Mitch looks to Eric, with a grin that would make the Grinch green(er) with envy.
ERIC:
Mitch, what the hell?
MITCH:
What? I thought you came off looking great. Oh, wait - that was me.
He grins again and follows Donna up the stairs.
BUMPER
MUSIC NOTE: "Double Vision" by Foreigner.
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING
Dinner preparations are underway. Red and Hyde sit at the table, and Jackie sits on the island, watching as Kitty puts the finishing touches on a tray of roast chicken.
KITTY:
Jackie, are you sure you want to be here for a dinner welcoming your mom to the neighborhood?
JACKIE:
Well, she made things up with Bob and she's trying to sort out her priorities, so I think she's earned it. That, and I don't trust the hotel food when Steven's not in the kitchen. I saw one of the other chefs – he has an eyepatch. I'm worried he's got a talking parrot somewhere he's gonna get mad at, pluck, and try to pass off as quail.
KITTY:
You know, I'm worried I didn't get enough chicken. These breasts look so small.
Hyde and Red both flinch at the word "breasts."
Red glares at Hyde.
RED:
(hushed)
Not a word.
The patio door opens up. Bob and Pam enter, Pam bearing a bottle of Kahlua and a low-cut top.
BOB:
Hey there, hi there, ho there.
PAM:
(to Hyde & Red)
Hi, boys.
They both silently moan and look down at the table, even as Bob and Pam move into the room and take positions where Pam's breasts are right above Hyde's head. His face starts twitching.
PAM:
Oh, Kitty, every time I come to this house I'm amazed by how much you've done with so little.
Kitty doesn't acknowledge that. Bob takes the bottle of Kahlua, sets it on the island.
BOB:
(to Kitty)
Here. Pam wanted to get you cookies, but I know how much you like the sauce.
KITTY:
Uh-huh.
(to Red)
Do these breasts look big enough?
Red flinches again, recoils in his seat.
RED:
I'm not comfortable with that question.
KITTY:
What?
RED:
What?
KITTY:
What?
RED:
What?
Hyde's fingers start drumming along the table edge again. Jackie hops off the island and crosses to him.
JACKIE:
Steven, what is wrong with you?
KITTY:
(to Red)
What is wrong with you?
RED:
There is nothing wrong with –
HYDE:
WE SAW PAM'S RACK!
All eyes are on him. Red is furious, Bob mildly surprised, Pam sympathetic, and Kitty and Jackie stunned.
HYDE:
(beat)
So – this is what it's like, being Forman.
He puts a hand over his shades under the continued combined stairs of the others.
FADE TO BLACK
COMMERCIAL
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – EVENING
Right where we left off. Jackie still glares at him, but some of the pressure is off Hyde – Kitty is now glowering at Red, who gives her his full attention.
KITTY:
You saw Pam's... Pam's...
She gestures towards Pam's body, ending by indicating her breasts. She takes note of Pam's top.
KITTY (cont'd):
Well, they're halfway out already, so why don't we just throw them out for everyone to see?
BOB:
It was the day she moved in.
All eyes flicker to Bob.
BOB (cont'd):
Yeah, Pammy told me. At first, I thought I should be mad, but then I thought, "hey, I sent 'em in there, and it's a great view."
He looks to Pam, who smiles, shrugs, and nods.
PAM:
(to Hyde, Red)
And don't feel bad, you guys. This isn't the first time my body has caused a fight. One time, I caused a riot on a topless beach in Venezuela. Imagine what you saw, only all tanned and oiled.
Red and Hyde both put their hands over their faces.
JACKIE:
Okay, Mom? Maybe now's not the best time to talk about what a sensation your looks made while you were drinking your way through Latin America – where apparently, they don't believe in locking the door!
(to Hyde)
And I can't believe you saw my mother naked and didn't tell me about it right away!
HYDE:
(points to Red)
He told me not to!
Red's jaw drops as he glares at Hyde, "how could you?"
HYDE (cont'd):
Yeah. You thought this was North Korea? We're in Vietnam, man! Game over!
They stare each other down from across the table, even as their women still glare at them. Bob and Pam stand a few feet back, watching with amusement.
BUMPER
SPLIT SCREEN: INT. DONNA'S BEDROOM/INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT
In Donna's room, she and Jackie sit on the bed together. In the basement, Eric and Hyde sit on the couch together. Hyde has SCHATZI in his arms and scratches his head throughout the scene.
ERIC:
Man, Donna is so pissed at me.
DONNA:
I am so pissed at Eric. I can't believe he lied to me about that girl. I mean, we're getting married. I should know everything about him.
ERIC:
But, I mean, we're already getting married. Do we have to know everything about each other?
DONNA:
If I have to know that he wore a bathing suit in the tub until he was 12 –
(sees Jackie's expression)
Yeah, tell everybody – I should know who he dated.
ERIC:
Donna playing "anteater" in her backyard, eating bugs until she was nine? Was perfectly happy not knowing that, thank you very much.
JACKIE & HYDE:
God, will you shut up? Maybe other people have relationship problems too.
ERIC:
Oh, I'm sorry, Hyde. Is something wrong?
DONNA:
What the hell's with you?
JACKIE/HYDE:
Steven saw my mother topless./I saw Pam topless.
DONNA:
Oh, God.
ERIC:
All right!
He holds his hand up for a high five, which Hyde doesn't return. Donna puts an arm around Jackie's shoulders.
JACKIE:
And the worst part is, he tried to keep it from me! He's my boyfriend. Any time he sees another woman's boobs, he's supposed to say something.
HYDE:
The worst part is, it was the finest rack I've ever seen. And that includes nudie flicks and Playboy centerfolds. And I'd still take back ever seeing it so I didn't upset Jackie.
ERIC:
Yeah. I'd really like to break my record for not upsetting Donna by making it past one week.
DONNA:
Speaking of naked sluts, you don't think Eric and that girl...
Mitch leans into frame in Donna's room.
MITCH:
Made sweet, emotional love? Yes, I do.
Eric reaches over to scratch Schatzi's ears, but Schatzi barks and nips at his fingers, and Eric quickly recoils.
BUMPER
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – NIGHT
The aftermath of dinner. Kitty, terse and sharp in her movements, packs up the chicken for refrigerating. Red is still at the kitchen table, looking pleadingly up at her.
RED:
Kitty, I said I was sorry. All I did was open the door, and there she was! Was I supposed to rip the eyes out of my head?
Kitty slams the wrapped chicken down on the stovetop and turns to Red.
KITTY:
Oh, shut up, Red! I can't even stand to look at you!
RED:
And yet you do. Because your eyes work? You see my problem?
Kitty's frown deepens. She puts her hands on her hips.
KITTY:
You don't even know why I'm upset, do you?
RED:
Of course I do!
(beat)
But why should I deprive you of one of your favorite pastimes – telling me why you're upset?
KITTY:
Red, I know you're not a peeping tom. And, good lord, that woman's always one Jell-O shot from giving it away. I mean, I've never even seen a freaking panty line on her! But I'm upset that you went out of your way not to tell me about this, and that you made Steven do the same thing to Jackie.
RED:
(stands)
But Kitty, the only reason I didn't tell you was because I didn't want you to be upset!
KITTY:
Well, that sure backfired, didn't it?
Red runs a hand down his face. He takes a step in to Kitty.
RED:
Look, Kitty, I'm sorry.
KITTY:
(beat)
I know.
She steps in, pulls his head down so she can kiss his cheek.
KITTY (cont'd):
So – how's she look?
Red recoils.
RED:
I'm not comfortable with that question.
KITTY:
Oh, come on, Red. Pam talks herself up all the time – how does the show measure up?
She playfully pokes at Red's sides. He dodges, moves around her. Kitty stays right behind him, poking at his sides and smacking his butt. Laughing, she chases him out of the kitchen, over all his grunting protests.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – NIGHT
Eric, Hyde, and Schatzi are still on the couch. They've been joined by Kelso, in Hyde's chair, and Fez, in the lawn chair.
KELSO:
(to Hyde)
Completely naked?
Hyde sighs; he's done talking about this.
HYDE:
(warning)
Yes.
Kelso, mouth gaping, looks to Fez, who wears the same expression.
FEZ:
Oh, if only we had stayed around after moving in her panties.
The basement door opens. Donna and Jackie storm in, Mitch following after with a nasty smirk.
DONNA:
Okay, Eric, there's something I need to know. Did you or did you not do it with the slurpee slut?
ERIC:
(stands)
What?
MITCH:
(to Donna)
Oop! He answered a question with a question. That means he's guilty. Now let's ditch him and carry me out of here.
ERIC:
Donna, I did not sleep with her.
DONNA:
Well, you lied to me about her before, so why should I believe you now?
ERIC:
You don't believe me? Fine. Let me show you what I was doing while you were with Casey.
He climbs over the couch and disappears into Hyde's room.
Jackie moves to stand behind the couch, just to Hyde's right, and glares down at him.
JACKIE:
Hey, Steven, the next time Eric steps out with the slurpee slut, maybe you should tag along. You might get another free show out of it!
FEZ:
(to Hyde)
You wouldn't even need Eric. I've bought many a slurpee from her, and from what I can tell, she'll do it with anyone.
HYDE:
Did she do it with you?
FEZ:
No, she has way too much self-respect for that.
Eric returns, a box in hand. It is overflowing with Star Wars models.
ERIC:
Okay, Donna. This is a box full of models that I made while you were with Casey Kelso.
Mitch pokes around inside the box.
MITCH:
Look at this. TIE Fighters, assault vehicles, and troop transports. All with minor defects in workmanship.
(points to Eric)
Yeah, he made these, all right.
DONNA:
(to Eric)
So this is what you did when we were apart?
(smiles)
Oh, my horny nerd boy.
JACKIE:
Aww... that's like Steven looking after Schatzi when we were broken up. Except watching a dog is caring and sensitive, whereas Eric's models are geeky and pathetic.
Eric and Donna both glare at her. She shrugs, sits on the back of the couch, and reaches down to pet Schatzi.
Eric sets the box down.
ERIC:
Donna, there's a reason I didn't tell you about her. She wasn't important. The whole time we broke up, you know... you know I never stopped loving you.
DONNA:
Eric...
She takes him in her arms, and they kiss.
ERIC:
So, can I suggest that we honor the age-old tradition of making up after a fight, not just spiritually, but physically?
DONNA:
How about a brand-spanking new tradition where I buy you a milkshake and a Playboy?
ERIC:
Donna, whoa. I'm insulted. I do not need a milkshake. Let's go.
Hand in hand, they exit out the door.
MITCH:
What, so they're back together and everything's fine? That sucks.
He exits out the door too.
Hyde twists around in his seat to look up at Jackie.
HYDE:
Hey, sorry about the thing with your mom. I wanted to tell you before, but Red got all freaked.
Jackie sighs, slides over the back of the couch to sit next to Hyde.
JACKIE:
Well, it's not your fault. Mom just doesn't care who sees her. She used to walk around our house topless all the time.
Kelso and Fez both stand.
KELSO:
That's it. We gotta get over to Bob's.
They both race up the stairs.
Hyde sets Schatzi down on the coffee table. Jackie leans over to pet him, even as Hyde leans into her.
HYDE:
You still giving the braless thing a try?
Jackie looks up at him, raises her eyebrows.
HYDE (cont'd):
Hey, I'm fine with things being all about boobs as long as they're yours.
Jackie smiles, "awws," and gives him a quick kiss.
JACKIE:
But what did you learn from all this?
HYDE:
That, if he's only worried about Mrs. Forman, you can totally get away with burning Red.
Jackie tries to pout at him, but a smile breaks through. Hyde just grins and scratches under Schatzi's chin.
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS
INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT
The Pinciotti house. Kelso and Fez creep up to the bedroom door on their tiptoes. Each bears a massive grin, and each titters in anticipation.
KELSO:
Ready?
Fez nods eagerly. Kelso grabs the door handle, throws the door open... and reveals the sight of a stark-naked Bob, toweling himself off.
He turns around, sees the boys, smiles, and shrugs.
BOB:
Oopsie doosie.
Fez and Kelso throw their arms around each other and hold each other tight as they scream for their lives, unable to look away.
END.