A/N: I don't have any content warnings but I rewrote this chapter several times because it felt like I was trying to articulate feelings that never really have sufficient words to describe them fully. I don't know if anyone will feel the same way, but as someone who's felt really acute loneliness when I was growing up, this felt painful to read.
Hurting
"Congratulations, you've all passed!"
There was a loud cheer from the roof top of the Hokage building. Naruto, Gaara and Zehi smiled at the colourful gathering of youths before them, relishing the view of members from various villages celebrating together.
This is what peace should look like.
Seki wasn't as enthusiastic as those jumping around and hugging people, but she was smiling a little. It had been a long time since she let herself stay in the middle of a crowd, but no one was looking antagonistically at her, even though many of them could have tried to break her bones yesterday.
From the corner of her eye, Seki saw Hana walk over. The girl was dressed once again in a fully pink attire and thrusted out a gloved hand (also pink) towards the brown haired kunoichi. As Seki slowly took it, she saw a familiar edge in her eyes.
"Looking forward to working with you."
"You too," Seki replied amicably, hiding her surprise.
"We're not friends, but I'm always ready to support a fellow kunoichi."
It suddenly occurred to Seki that the two of them were the only female identifying shinobi among the finalists. Gender had never played a big part in her life, but Seki appreciated the sense of solidarity.
"Likewise."
Hana smiled, and Seki returned it without feeling as if she was forced to do so.
"All new Jounins are also given a travel pass certified by our feudal lords. You're welcome to rest, refuel, and train in any of the Hidden Villages whose mark is on these passes."
A shinobi with a toothpick in his mouth gave Seki her pass. It was a eggshell hue, thick as cardboard, and made her chest swell. She was finally free to leave Takigakure, to go anywhere.
"And now, our Hokage has a few words for you."
The excited murmuring died down as the blonde leader of Konohagakure stood in front of the group. His bright blue eyes were serious, but warm.
"I have always believed shinobis were a tight knit collective, no matter which country they came from. That is because we all fight to protect someone or something we treasure. As new members of this collective, it is important you understand the heavy responsibilities of a Jounin, and the reason we've placed so much emphasis on team work for our exams this year."
The air grew slightly heavier, and everyone knew what was coming.
"War is upon us. We will need to work together as allied shinobis for us in order to overcome our current enemies, whom we believe are the strongest we have ever, and will ever, face."
Naruto briefed them about the Akatsuki and the current plan for an Allied Shinobi Force. Seki had only caught snippets of the organisation's movements over the last few years, partly because Keimyou always made sure they were out of range of their search parties, and partly because it didn't help her anxiety to follow up on them. The Allied Shinobi Force sounded like an army, and was a shocking revelation to her, really. Seki never thought the villages would be willing to work together.
It didn't look like anyone else was surprised at the news though, as she glanced at the other shinobis. Seki deduced that the threat had become more imminent than she had anticipated. Participation was voluntary, and everyone was to inform the leader of their village if they wanted to be a part of the Allied Shinobi Force.
"I don't mean to dampen your mood, but we have received word that they will attack within the next month. So we need to know your answer as soon as possible."
"I'm in," Kiroku raised his hand, unwavering as everyone turned to look at him. Naruto looked like he was going to burst with pride as he nodded at his shinobi.
"Thank you. My last announcement is that we have prepared a small party to celebrate your promotion. Tonight is the last night before some of our friends return to their villages, so please feel free to spend some time together as comrades."
There was another cheer, Kiiro and Raku being the loudest pair, earning a glare from their Raikage. Everyone started to disperse, mingling and making small talk. Seki decided this was her cue to leave, but a pink haired woman stopped Seki with a hand on her shoulder.
"Hey, Houseki Raion? I'm Haruno Sakura. You left so quickly yesterday, I didn't get a chance to talk to you."
"Oh. What's wrong?"
"Nothing! It's just that we wanted to do a medical check up on all the Jounin participants before they left, to make sure you're not injured in any way before you go home."
"I'm fine," the automatic response left Seki's mouth before she was even conscious of it.
"It wouldn't hurt for us to be sure."
"I'm not from your village, why do you care?"
Seki didn't intend to sound so hostile, but thankfully Sakura was not offended. She smiled, green eyes softening, as if she had seen this mask of toughness before.
"Didn't you hear Naruto? You're our comrade now."
The newly promoted Jounin hesitated for a while, but eventually agreed to visit her for a check up later that evening. As the sounds of the crowd grew louder behind her (Hana and Jurei were arguing whose plant powers were more impressive yesterday, Niji and Kiiro were comparing who had the flashier outfit, and Raku was loudly telling everyone that he was going to become a war hero), Seki tried to make a quick exit but was thwarted once again, this time by a familiar red head, right as she reached the top of the stairs.
Gaara reached his arm out and then retracted it, looking as if he had forgotten what he had intended to say. All other noise faded away as bright red eyes gazed into gentle teal ones. Seki had hoped to avoid all manner of social interaction with anyone today, especially her old friend from the past. But she had been unsuccessful in avoiding Gaara's gaze earlier, which she felt was on her the moment she stepped on the rooftop.
"Hi," Seki managed to croak out, feeling her throat was dryer than normal.
"Hello," Gaara responded, sounding equally parched.
Tension built up inside her fists, clenching and unclenching. The Kazekage stretched out his hand.
"Con-Congratulations."
"Thank you."
Holding his hand was strange. Hearing his voice was strange. Everything about this was strange. Seki didn't know if there was a better word to describe it: she used to admire this boy, used to tease him, cried over him and dreamt about him almost daily, before consciously avoiding all memories of him because just reading his name would hurt her chest. The boy didn't even look like a boy anymore, and this man now standing before her made her feel strange.
"Do you. Do you want to take a walk?"
He had the perfect posture of a Kazekage, one hand resting on the gourd at his hip, outfit starched and wrinkle-free and exuding calm. Only his intense staring gave away his nervousness, and Seki wondered why she felt better recognising this.
"...Sure."
.
The pair walked quietly along the river. Occasionally, Gaara glanced sideways at Seki, wondering if it was appropriate to express to her how he felt. He was still reverberating from hearing her voice after so long, a similar sensation to when Chiyo revived him: as if he'd been asleep all this time and just woken up to see the sun for the first time.
That is definitely too much to say, Gaara thought, feeling awkward even though he hadn't spoken a word.
"Gaara."
Seki's voice pierced the silence and Gaara recognised the familiar sliding pitch, identified a new bass resonance. It's the same, but also different.
"Yes?"
"How, ah, how are you?"
"I'm... I'm good. Much better, from... from when we last met."
"I read about the attack."
"Ah."
There was a pause, both unsure how to navigate this topic. The fact that he was Kazekage was probably enough proof that he, and everyone around him, had moved on from Gaara being his village's emotionless killing machine, but it also didn't feel right to just assume everything was fine from appearances. And Gaara thought Seki was the best person to realise things on the surface are never what they actually seemed.
"I was young, and angry at the world. Easy to manipulate. But I was saved by a friend. Naruto."
"The Hokage?"
"Yes. He was my first proper friend."
"And I was what, a paper weight?" Seki reacted instinctively, but looked like she immediately regretted the sarcastic tone she took. That didn't stop Gaara from feeling like someone had punched him in the gut."
"Sorry, I didn't mean-"
"No, forget it, I-"
They both stopped talking as quickly as they started. It was like trying to walk through a minefield, both parties feeling so emotionally raw. Both of them were unprepared to engage into the finer details of the emotional impact they had on each other; perhaps it was better to just avoid it for now. Gaara gave himself a beat, and then started walking again, Seki following after.
"Sunagakure," Seki almost whispered this, so the Kazekage had to slow down until he was beside her again to catch everything, "the village must be really different now, with you as their leader."
"It was difficult at first, to gain trust. But the citizens are more open with me now. Ah," Gaara looking over at Seki, relieved to have a safer topic to talk about, "Temari and Kankurou helped, especially with the council."
"The council?"
"Village elders. They were the most afraid of me. But with their support, they couldn't say anything."
"That sounds great."
He saw Seki wince slightly. Did she mean to sound more sincere? Gaara couldn't tell from the lack of tone, but he knew she wasn't being sarcastic. She didn't say anything and he tried to change the topic again.
"I didn't know you were coming to the exams. You weren't among the list of participants from Sunagakure."
"Keimyou registered me as a Takigakure shinobi. We've been on the road, but we somehow always stayed around their village. I took my chuunin exams there as well."
"That makes sense."
He was running out of things to talk about. Their footsteps filled the air again, rustling through the weeds as they basked in the evening dusk.
Naruto had only encouraged Gaara to speak his mind. But how was the redhead supposed to just broach five years worth of distance – both physical and emotional – with just words? What did he even want to say? What was he actually feeling? Would Seki even care?
The last question was something Gaara wasn't sure he wanted an answer for.
.
"How is Keimyou?"
"He's fine. Tomiro looks after him."
"Tomiro?"
"He's, ah, a friend."
They were sitting down on a grassy knoll now, watching the river reflect the late afternoon sun. The hours had passed quickly despite them not doing anything. Seki felt Gaara's eyes follow her fingers as they brushed her fringe from her face and swallowed thickly, trying to ignore it. Suddenly, the space between their hips felt much too small.
"I'm glad. You found friends too."
"Friend. Singular."
"Well, one is better than none."
"I guess," Seki shrugged. She wasn't bored by the conversation, but it was prickling to stay on shallow subjects when there was a huge elephant in the room: Gaara probably wanted to know why she left. She tried to start that conversation but her nerves changed her words at the last second.
"Gaara, I- I don't know how to do this."
"This?"
"Small... talk."
"Oh. Neither do I," the red head admitted, a little hesitantly, but looking much more relaxed than before. Perhaps it was comforting that he wasn't the only one feeling uncomfortable. Seki let herself chuckle softly.
"We're pretty pathetic, aren't we?"
"Perhaps. I don't think it's that pathetic."
"Why not?"
"At least we're talking. For the last 5 years, I ah," Gaara blinked rapidly, a sign Seki now related to his embarrassment, "I'm sorry. I didn't think it would happen again."
"True."
"How have you been?"
"I've been... struggling," Seki felt like someone was holding on to her spine and didn't know how to elaborate. The sun was starting to set on them, and their shadows grew longer with the silence.
There was a burst of laughter as a family walked by. Seki waited until they were a distance away before restarting the conversation, "This village is really crowded, isn't it? I find it really difficult to interact with people now."
"Why?"
Seki frowned, "It's just... a lot of effort, isn't it? I find the whole socialising thing really tiring. Plus, it's safer to just avoid everyone altogether," she thought Gaara would understand. He probably had to deal with people more as Kazekage, but he didn't seem like he had become the model of a social butterfly.
"Safer."
"Yes. If they don't end up hating me, I end up hurting them."
"I see."
Seki wasn't sure what she was waiting for. Would Gaara would tell her that everything would get better eventually, like Keimyou or Tomiro usually did? Or would he said he understood, confide in her his own struggles in trying to act normal in front of people who didn't understand him? Maybe she just reminded him of a time when everything made him scared and angry, and was deciding how to exorcise this ghost from his past?
It will come, Seki inevitable rejection, the projected departure, the definite end to all things she cared about. Even from Gaara. Seki held her breath.
"You know, I died once."
"... What?" Seki cough slightly, not expecting this.
"The Akatsuki captured me and removed Shukaku. Jinchuurikis are not expected to survive when their tailed beasts are extracted."
"How did you-"
"A village elder gave up her life for me. After I was revived, I still... I didn't understand why she did it. I spent a long time thinking I didn't really deserve this chance. That if I had just died, after trying to protect the village, it would have been the best way to atone for my mistakes."
Gaara turned to Seki at this point, and she hesitated to look back. Honestly, the strangest thing so far had been listening to the introverted man talk so much, especially when he sounded like he'd rather not speak at all. But here he was, almost rambling a little and Seki wasn't sure why she felt intimidated by it.
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying... I think it's tiring to give yourself a second chance. It takes effort to think you deserve more than just death. Pain. Loneliness."
Seki knew Gaara was trying to being upfront, honest, and most of all, vulnerable. She knew he trusted her, even after the years of separation. She knew he probably still struggled to say things like these in front of his siblings.
"It's not like everything was fine after I became Kazekage, after I came back to life, after Naruto saved me. I still, I still get... tired too. But I try a lot harder now. To be a friend. To be okay with having friends."
"Why?"
"Because. I don't want to be in pain anymore."
But Seki realised she was getting frustrated, maybe even angry at him. No, she was already mad. But for an extremely childish reason: Gaara, with his all uncertain, almost fearful, softly-spoken words, sounded like he was in a much better place than she was right now.
This infuriated her.
"You've probably done a lot of good as Kazekage. You deserve friends," Seki heard the stiffness in her voice.
"I didn't need to do anything, Seki. Naruto was my friend before I even did anything to deserve it. Some people will just care. I-"
"I'm sorry, but I've got to go," Seki abruptly stood up. "Keimyou is probably waiting for me."
Before Gaara could say anything else, she stalked away in a fit of restlessness. She thought about perhaps going to a nearby forest and wind cutting down a hundred trees, but even the prospect felt insufficient to quell the boiling fury building up within. Somewhere at the back of her head, Seki denied that she was being ridiculously envious.
He has his siblings' support. Naruto's friendship. He now has a whole village behind him.
But Seki knew they were just excuses. She knew she had expected, selfishly, that the day she met Gaara again, they would still be the same. In fact, she had subconsciously been counting on reconciling with her old friend, in order to feel the comfort of just the two of them against the world that didn't understand their pain.
It wasn't fair.
He was okay now and she wasn't. He was more than okay now and she's nowhere near okay. He was so okay now, and she might never reach him again. Seki remembered when she left him all those years ago, she had wondered how Gaara would feel being left behind. She thought she understood his pain. She thought being left behind was the same as leaving someone behind.
She was wrong. She was so wrong.
A/N: I feel like I'm trying to be both 13 years old and my current age while writing this fic. I feel like I'm revisiting my old wounds and although it feels like I'm doing it from a much safer, healthier place, it still makes me kinda sad. Sigh. But it's always darkest before the dawn, right? Hope everyone is treating themselves kindly this week, even if you feel like you don't deserve it.