16 – Sixteenth chapter – Caught
Chris
Song : Dido – Here with me
I thought we had found our rhythm by day, by night, when we made love and when we were just chilling. I never thought I would say this one day but I loved doing nothing and lying next to my man. Life was easy. For the first time for a very long time, I was happy. It hadn't been the case since… my parents died. I had been very happy when I entered SWAT of course! It was one of the best achievements of my whole life. But being with Jim.. It was a different kind of achievement, it was as if I had finally found the piece of me I was looking for ever.
Every night, Jim went to my apartment. We almost lived together. But neither of us dared to say it aloud. Probably because we couldn't believe any of this was real. We played videogames (OMG I so loved playing since I was a child!), watched movies and talked for hours. We shared about our jobs, our family lives. He told me about his mother… Days after days, he told me more and more things about his childhood, his violent dad, his unstable mother, THE moment his life changed forever. He explained to me how his life in the foster families was, how he suffered from loneliness.
That was the first time I felt so close to someone. I listened a lot. I was a good listener. But I had troubles to talk about what happened to me when I was a child or a teenager. I knew my cousin Thomas told him a lot about me when we went to the barbecue. He was smart enough not to ask me about it. I would tell him eventually, just not now. But I would tell him because he was the only one I knew I wanted to share my stories with.
Tonight our lives changed forever… I knew it when I heard the knocking on the door. At this very moment, I panicked. Who could come at my apartment at this hour? It was never good news when darkness fell.
I went to open the door while Jim hid in the bedroom. It was Tan. What was he doing here? He rarely came to my apartment. That was disturbing and I didn't know what to say.
"Hey! What are you doing here? Any problem?"
"You know why I'm here Chris..." And he entered the room looking for something. Looking for Street. That was when he hit me… Tan knew about Street and I. I didn't want to lie to him. But I wanted to protect my relationship with Jim because it was the most blooming, stable relationship I had ever had.
"Just tell me the truth, Chris. I know he's here with you, I heard and saw you in the locker room…"
I nodded. What else to do? I was tired of lying to my friends, my teammates. I was happy for the first time in my adult life and I didn't want to hide it anymore. My decision was taken and I hoped Jim would be on the same wavelength. I went to the bedroom and asked Jim to follow me. He looked abashed and didn't under stand what I was doing. Unless, he followed me and we sat in the sofa, facing Tan.
Tan started to talk as Jim and I remained quiet. I couldn't tell what he said. I was in such a blurry world. I heard sound but I couldn't explain or describe them. I was far away in my head. I was remembering all the happy moment I had already spent with Jim. And I was imagining those I wanted to spend with him. I felt tears rolling down my eyes.
"How and when did you figure out for Street and I?"
The question went out of my mouth without I was able to stop it. I needed to hear clear and concrete things. Tan described how he caught us in the locker room. It was three evenings ago. We had had a very complicated day and I met Jim in the locker room to hug him. I needed to feel comfort after what we had seen. He saw us kissing and giggled. There was no mystery to hold anymore. We were given no choice. We had to confront the truth.
I felt Jim put his hand in mine. It gave me strength. I was no longer alone. I had someone to lean on. Tan kept on talking. He was right. We needed to tell the team about us because we couldn't remain like that. If we really loved each other, we would overcome everything. But I was scared, I was terrified by what was gonna happen. I had never been in love with someone, I had never felt what I felt when I was with Street. And I didn't want to lose what I had now. And I thought at that moment, I crushed Jim's hand…
Jim got up and followed Tan outside. I stayed alone in the living room. I could see them through the windows. They were talking and Tan was making big gestures. I knew they were talking about us but I didn't know what they were really saying. I remained motionless for a while. I had to process the information, analyze what options we had. My head was hurting do much. I had troubles to breathe. I never felt this way before.
I had been happy when I was with Thompson. I had been happy with Ty and Kyra. I never denied what I had lived with them because they had made of me who I was today. But with Jim, it was different, a new feeling, a new way of seeing life… I was… blessed ! I remembered all the happy moments I had shared with him since we were in a relationship: the night watching TV, playing cards, eating pizza, doing nothing at all. When he was brushing my hair with his fingers. The way I ran into his arm when I felt sad or tired and how it felt good to just be here listening to his heart beating.
The moment I feared the most was finally here. I had to choose between a job I had always dreamt of, a perfect team I considered as my brothers and the man who changed my life, man who learnt me what love meant and that I deserved to be fought for.
Right now, I didn't know what to choose. I doubted I would have the answer one day. But as my uncle Sarzo always said "you can't have the cake and eat it"….