« Souji ? » she asked at the door.
« Come in. » she heard.
She slid the shoji and Souji was laying on his futon, hands behind his head, looking at the ceiling. He was still fully dressed, even his haori was still on, and a broken vase was shattered on the ground not very far from him.
« I heard a sound. » said Haruhi, entering the room.
« I broke a vase. » he said without moving.
« Clumsiness or fury ? » she asked, picking up the pieces of ceramic.
« A bit of both... I'm fucking drunk... » he answered in a whisper « Don't trouble yourself. »
« It's fine. » she nodded « You risk to hurt your feet if you get up in the middle of the night. »
« What are you still doing here ? » he asked.
« I cleaned. »
« You didn't need to. »
« I know. »
« Of all nights... » he whispered « when I asked you to stay... you had to choose that one... »
Haruhi didn't answer and kept picking up the shattered ceramic, until Souji's hand caught hers, pulling her gently to the futon with him.
« Souji, you're married. » she frowned.
« I know. » he whispered « come here. Just let me hold you. »
Grudgingly, Haruhi let Souji pull her to his arms and he held her, nesting his head in the crook of her neck.
« You were beautiful today... » he said after a while « Truly beautiful... »
« Souji... » she said, stroking his hair « It's your wedding night. »
« I know. » he replied and he looked back at the ceiling, keeping an arm around her « I don't think I can do it... »
« Souji, you fucking married her. » she frowned again.
« Are you really pushing me into Tama's arms ? » he asked, plunging his emerald eyes in hers.
« No... » she sighed « I'm not... But if you don't do your duty as husband, I know very well who the fault will be reported on. »
« Every time I see Tama » he said « I remember that baby in my arms and that little girl running to Kondou... » he seemed to think for a moment and chuckled sadly « I'm gonna earn myself a divorce for impotence. »
« If that happens, I won't complain. » smiled Haruhi.
Souji chuckled again, still gazing at the ceiling.
« Have you seen Tama's face ? During the ceremony. » he continued « She was looking so scared... She's probably gonna look at me like that tonight. »
« It's normal... » replied Haruhi « I would be scared too if I was in her place. She's probably getting more and more anxious with every minute that pass, torn between the fear of it being painful if you come and the fear that you won't even come because you hate her that much. »
« Yeah... She might think that, huh ? » he muttered.
Haruhi snuggled against him, her head on his chest and his arm around her, filling herself with his scent. His clothes were so soft, it felt like a pillow, a warm and soft pillow that she never wanted to leave.
« When are you going back to the potter ? » asked Souji after a while.
« I don't know... » she sighed « I'll leave when you do. »
« Would it be selfish of me to ask you to wait here for my return ? » he asked in a low voice.
« Pretty selfish. » she nodded « but I guess that if I wanna know if I can do it, the sooner the better... If I really can't take it, I'll go. »
« I don't deserve to be loved by someone like you... » he muttered, kissing her « You're a saint... » he brushed his fingers on her cheek and up to her hair « and I'm making you endure a living hell. »
Haruhi didn't answer. She couldn't find the proper words. If she reassured him, she would lie. If she told him the truth, she'd hurt him. Silence was a better option.
« You were the cutest girl today. » he said « I know I said it already but I really mean it. »
« That's sad. » she muttered « your mother-in-law put so much effort into Tama's appearance. She was really pretty. I felt jealous when she came in. »
« Because she was pretty ? » asked Souji, frowning.
« Yeah... and because she was your bride. » she stated.
« Tama can't even compare. » he said with a smirk « She has the round face of a child. »
« Chizuru-neechan too. » chuckled Haruhi « and I think she's beautiful. »
« Yeah ? » asked Souji with a smile « not really my type. Hajime-kun can keep her. »
« What's your type ? » asked Haruhi with a smile.
« Fearless spitting feral kittens with blue eyes. » he chuckled.
« That sounds specific. » she laughed with him.
« You understand now why I can't let you go. » he smirked « I can't find that easily. What's your type, Haru-chan ? »
« Insensitive married old jerks, I guess. » she answered with a playful gaze.
« Seems like we found each other pretty well then. » he escaped a bark of laughter.
The silence invade the room again, their hearts heavy even if the playful banter had lighten up the atmosphere for a few minutes. Souji sighed heavily and sat up on his palms.
« I'd better go. » he said softly « Can't make her wait forever... »
« Do you need something ? » asked Haruhi on the same tone « tea ? Sake ? »
« I don't need anything » he said, getting up « just for you to wait for me. »
« Careful with the ceramic ! » she warned and he looked down to be sure not to hurt his feet on his way out.
« I love you. » he said, leaning over to kiss her one last time, cradling her face in his strong hands « What happens tonight doesn't change anything. »
« I know... » she replied with a dry throat, strangling herself with the words.
I love you too...
Souji smiled sadly and slid the shoji without looking back, leaving her alone on his futon where she still could feel his warmth and scent his smell. She laid down and waited for him but it was too hard. Her mind was making up images that had nothing pleasant. She needed to be occupied and so, she disobeyed to Souji and cleaned the tatami of the broken ceramic and exited the room to throw it away. She quickly passed Tama's room, not eager to hear sounds coming from it and she went to the kitchen to make some tea, hoping it would sooth her mind. She drank it outside, listening to the sounds of the night. Her father was often drinking tea outside, even in the coldest weather. He said it was calming. Haruhi had to disagree. Nothing was calming her tonight.
Her tea finished, she went back to the dojo master's quarters and detached her hair in front of a mirror, removing her kanzashi and combing them slowly. She then untied her obi and folded it, hung her kimono and unfolded her futon, that Souji kept in his room, probably just in case she would come back. A smart move, since she was here tonight. She laid on it and waited again but the seconds were feeling like hours.
Haruhi eventually blew the light and tried to sleep and cast away the mental images that were assaulting her. She moved to the other futon to smell Souji's scent on it and it calmed her a bit.
It's alright... He's coming back anyway... It's taking a lot of time but that doesn't mean it's because he's enjoying it... Or because he's staying with her afterwards... Tama's a virgin after all, he has to go slow...
The wait was unbearable and she turned on herself a few times and thought about going but even more than her love for Souji, there was an obscene curiosity that was making her stay. She needed to know if it happened or if, like Souji said to joke, he'd earn himself a divorce for impotence. She didn't know why, and part of her wished she didn't know, but the other unworthy part was making up so many scenarios in her head that only the truth could make them disappear. It would be less painful in the end.
She heard the shoji slid and she closed her eyes to prevent her tears from flowing. Having him return was giving substance to the act. She heard him undress and slid himself near her under the covers, holding her from behind.
« Is it done ? » she asked after a while without turning to look at him.
« Shh... » he answered, carressing her cheek with his fingers and nesting his nose in her untied hair.
« Tell me. » she said.
« It's done. » he replied.
« Was it... good ? » she asked, swallowing back her tears.
« Why does it matter ? »
« I just wanna know... » she whispered « how it was... »
« Are you really gonna ask me to describe it to you ? » he asked softly « If it helps, I will. But to be fair, I'd rather not. »
« I don't know... » she whispered in a broken voice « part of me want to know every detail of it... the other part wants to be kept in the dark. I feel torn. »
Souji caught her shoulder and made her roll so that she would face him. He cradled her in his arms and held her tight, communicating his warmth to her. He smelled of soap and his hair were wet, sign that he went to the bathroom afterwards, probably so she wouldn't smell Tama's scent on him.
« Haruhi... » he whispered in her hair, holding her with all he might « I love you. I'm here with you. What happened with Tama... It doesn't matter. »
« How can you say it doesn't matter ? » she said « she's your wife ! You might love me and if I choose to stay, you might come back to me every night but that doesn't change the fact that she's your wife and you're her husband. So you can't say it doesn't matter. »
« You're right. » he sighed « words were badly chosen. »
They stayed silent a few minutes before Souji kissed her forehead and opened his mouth again.
« Are you alright ? »
« Yeah. » she nodded.
« What do you feel ? »
« Sadness, anger, disappointment... but also relief because you are here, love for you, joy to be in your arms and anguish, at the idea that you'll go again. I don't know if I'll ever get used to it. »
« Thanks for the honest answer. » he said softly « and for staying. That meant a lot to me. I couldn't think of anything else than coming back to you. »
« Then why did it take so long ? » she asked, her eyes humid again.
« Shhh... » he whispered « Please, Haruhi... Stop torturing yourself... »
« I can't... » she confessed « I'm picturing things in my head. »
Souji rolled and detached himself from her, sighing. She felt that emptiness and it was even worse than when he left. She grabbed onto him and held him close, feeling him getting further and further from her already.
« I'm sorry... » said Souji « you can go, quit your job here, take back your freedom, reunite with your family... I don't want you to cling to me if I can only bring you sorrow. You deserve to be happy. »
« Are you really breaking up with me now ? » she asked, astonished « after all you did to make sure I'll stay close when I was trying to forget ? »
« No ! » he said, taking her back in his arms « no. I'd like you to stay. I love you. But if it's too much to bear, I'll understand. I won't run after you. I won't kill anyone. I'd just let you go. »
« You know » she muttered « before, I thought it wasn't that important. I thought that even if I were to... marry you or something... I would rather have you go to prostitutes than having to quench your needs myself. I had no desire for you to touch me before you did. And yet, now it hurts, to know you touched someone else. »
« I know. » he whispered « In your situation I would probably had destroyed everything in this room and gone completely crazy. »
« Is she broken like me ? » asked Haruhi « Tama. »
« Is it really better to know ? » he asked in return.
« So she's not... » she muttered.
« No, she's not... » he sighed « and you're not either. Stop saying that. »
Haruhi didn't answer and she rested her head on Souji's chest, feeling his heart beat against her temple, basking into his embrace.
« You love me ? » she asked in a small squeak.
« I do. » he kissed her tenderly « I think you may be the only girl I ever loved. »
« I'm staying. » said Haruhi, resolved « for now at least. There's something I need to see with my own eyes. »
« What is it ? » asked Souji, curious.
« New year's eve. »
« Why is it so important ? »
« It's still a secret. » she smiled.
Even if he couldn't see her smile in the dark, his fingers tracing on her lips knew she was smiling. He stroked her hair and entwined locks, weaving them in his fingers.
« Thank you... » he murmured in her ear, sending a shiver from there to the tip of her toes with the intensity of the feelings contained in these two words.
He held her and eventually fell asleep, snoring a bit louder than usual due to his drunkenness. It didn't bother her though and she was quick to join him in dreamland, her mind a bit more at peace.