A/N: How do I even begin to apologise for how long I've been AWOL. Well, I'll give all of you, my dedicated readers, a simple excuse: School. I've been giving exams left and right for the past three-four months and I've absolutely no motivation left. I've nothing to say for myself.
Anyway, I hope all of you are safe and doing well considering how rapidly the coronavirus has been spreading globally. Practice social distancing and good hygiene!
Dear Tobias,
A woman's life revolves around the decisions made by those closest to her. It's inexplicably painful to be the puppet and not the puppeteer in some moments. No, cross that, in every moment. I want to make my own decisions and adhere to my own choices. It's not the most unpleasant thing in the world: to be listened to.
I refused the promotion. I've had to cancel the move to Jefferson Park. Wonder why? Because I'm a mother now. My kid comes first and as a loving wife, my husband comes before me too. I couldn't persuade Leah to even consider shifting to a new apartment before let alone a whole new city. She's arrogant just like me. I don't know whether to consider that an admirable quality or an undesirable one in this moment. She didn't take it well at all.
She decided, instead of talking it out, to run away with Park! They stuffed their bags with absolute nonsense- toys, board games, chips and sodas. They went to the library and used their computer to buy aeroplane tickets to Los Angeles. Your place, Tobias! The librarian rang me up to inform that they both kept asking for her credit card number to buy those tickets and give her a candy bar in return. What has my life come to?
Although, it is hilarious to imagine two sloppy little kids boarding a flight, holding each other's pudgy hands with ridiculous backpacks on. I'm certain that they would be allowed on that flight, unsupervised. They would locate you somehow and what would you do? I'd like to believe that you would talk some sense into them and make me come get them both. Maybe you'll even persuade Leah to give the move a chance. Maybe I should've bought them those tickets myself.
Anyway, that's a lost cause now, unfortunately.
Something Robert said has been bugging me lately. I told him about the promotion and a possible pay-raise all excited like a puppy. But he responded with disdain and scorn. He suggested that I should refuse the offer because it's foolish of me to uproot their perfectly normal lives just so I can pursue my long-lost passion for hotel management. Apparently, he earns enough to get the entire family by and maybe I should focus more on domestic tasks and raising my daughter. That bastard.
How dare he suggest I quit and become a housewife? Is that what he wanted from the very beginning? I should put on an apron, sit pretty, cook food and lick the bottom of his shoe every time he comes home from the office. Tobias, my love, you don't know how much hard work Robert does daily sitting on his ass, counting currency notes and refusing loan requests to single parents. I feel like squishing his brains right now.
Not talking more about that son of a bitch, I absolutely loath him for this. Write to me soon. I feel like I hardly hear from you these days. I'm so bored that I'll read about what you ate for breakfast and what colour your socks are.
Yours truly,
Tris
Dear Tris,
Blueberry pancakes and starchy white dress socks. Intrigued?
I detect a tinge of remorse, guilt and disappointment in your voice. You do know that a bird has to leave its nest to learn how to fly. You'll never grow out of your comfort zone if you keep choosing your small, uneventful, and (forgive me for this) dull life over a stepping stone for your successful career in hotel management. And Robert is wrong. You're not chasing a long-lost passion; you're chasing your true self.
Learn to take risks, Beatrice. I have been telling you this since we were kids holding each other's pudgy hands on the first day of elementary school. You'll always keep pondering about a better life. We're not young enough to keep dreaming sweet lies and we're too old to not act on our true desires. Stop worrying and over-assessing the pros and cons of every situation. Things aren't handed to you; one has to fight for them or prove their capacity to rightfully earn them. Take me, for example, if I hadn't made the shift to Los Angeles, I wouldn't have landed on the front gate of one of the greatest heart surgeons. My name would not be worth knowing.
I had to leave everything and everyone behind too. It's not easy. It was never made to be easy because otherwise it would be pointless. Leah may throw tantrums in the beginning but sooner or later, she'll learn to adapt. Park and Leah can write letters and visit each other. They'll be fine. Aren't we still friends even though you changed towns when we were young and I shifted to California? We may be miles apart but we're still as thick as thieves.
I don't even know where to begin with Robert. Everything about him eludes me. I know you dislike the fact that I have hated his guts ever since you met him but I cannot tolerate his antics anymore. Why do you stay, Tris? Why? I do not understand. He pretends to love you, has never done anything romantic for you and is a top-class misogynist. I don't see what you adore about him.
Anyway, I'll be lying if I told you I support your decision. People have gone to inconsiderable and unimaginable lengths to persuade their superiors for a pay-raise or a promotion. Opportunities like these are rare. It's hard to find bosses who are well-mannered and actually good at what they do and treat their employees with utmost respect and dignity.
Don't misunderstand my intentions towards you, Tris.
Love you always,
Tobias.
From: Tris
To: Tobias
Subject: Promotion
They withdrew their offer, Tobias. I lied. I didn't get the choice to refuse the placement. And I'll never know why they truly did it.
So, there you go. I was chasing my true self but that is only a dream now.
From: Tobias
To: Tris
Subject: Re: Promotion
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to discourage you. Those idiots haven't realised how talented you are. They honestly don't deserve you.
You should look for openings in L.A. Better view, higher wages and I can certainly help you adjust in the new neighbourhood. I'll talk to my friend, Jake, for you. He's a job recruiter.
From: Tris
To: Tobias
Subject: Re: Promotion
Yeah, I don't think I'll be moving anywhere anytime soon.
You have an instant message from Tobias:
Tobias: Nita told me you called last night.
Zeke: How are you doing, Tobias? Everything alright?
Tobias: I'll be okay. After all, it isn't like she was a very good mother to me.
Zeke: Still…she cared for you when you were little. She looked after Tris too.
Tobias: Come on, Zeke. Those five-six years don't compare to thirteen years of absolute torture she put me through.
Zeke: Can't argue with that. Although I'd hoped both of you would make amends sooner or later.
Tobias: There's a part of me that wanted to see what would've happened if I relented. Maybe we could have…never mind. She's dead now. There's no going back.
Zeke: Don't be so hard on yourself. You're not the one at fault here.
Tobias: I know. I just need to be reminded sometimes.
Zeke: Are you coming to her funeral?
Tobias: Yeah. Not showing up isn't an option, right?
Zeke: We've grown up, Tobias. There's only one option: facing your problems.
Tobias: How do I skip to the good part of adulthood?
Zeke: I think there's a red button on the side of our wooden desks. If you find it, ring me.
Voicemail (1)
Good evening, Mr Eaton! I'm Fred Thompson; your mother's lawyer. I've been trying to get a hold of you for days now. Anyway, your mother has left you some important things. I remember she told me that both of you had a very complicated relationship. Please think about it. Call me and we'll arrange a date to meet up. Thank you for your time, Mr Eaton.
You have an instant message from Tobias:
Tobias: My mother left behind her journal and some cash for me. I don't understand.
Zeke: What? Maybe there's something she wants you to find out in the journal.
Tobias: I don't want to. I thought this was the end of the chapter. I don't owe her anything.
Zeke: You talked about forgiveness, right? This is your chance, Tobias, to find out why she did what she did. I know you want answers.
Tobias: What if this diary just tells me that she has betrayed me more than once? I won't be able to handle it. I'll fall apart.
Zeke: Well, I have an idea but you won't find it appealing.
Tobias: Should I make Tris read it for me?
Zeke: OK, so you had the same idea as me. You would let her read it?
Tobias: It's my property now. I can do whatever I want with it.
Zeke: If you trust her enough, then go ahead.
Tobias: I hate that Evelyn keeps playing these awful games even after her death.
Zeke: Give her a chance. Maybe she wants to redeem herself this time.
Dear Tobias,
Sorry to hear about your mother, Tobias. Evelyn was one hell of a woman- feisty, robust, compassionate and above all, generous to a fault. I can effortlessly recall every single thing about her. Her mousy brown locks, mesmerizing blue eyes and the elegance with which she carried herself. I know you had trouble picturing her as a public-school Principal but I didn't. I could see her walking down hallways, her hands clasped at the base of her spine, and reaching out to her students.
If it hadn't been for her, I'm sure both of us would've remained sworn enemies. She made you apologise for pulling my pyjamas down in front of our neighbourhood kids or spilling coke on me after I called you dumb. (You were a mean kid back then. I'm waiting for a formal apology) She would coax my parents into letting me stay overnight at your house often for more than two days. She would also talk shit about you with my mother at our house. So, if you think I don't know about the time you peed your pants when you were sixteen, you're wrong buddy. Anyway, she always treated me like a family member, baking goodies and buying expensive watercolours for me. I never felt like an intruder in your home.
God must be welcoming her into Heaven with both hands. She was such a beautiful and honest soul. She did not deserve what happened to her. I'll keep her in my prayers. Always.
I've never really thought about death. What it promises, what it takes, afterlife, funerals, grief. I've also never witnessed deaths of my loved ones except a few pets and distant aunts and uncles. My experience with this predominantly agonizing type of loss is limited but I remember something a priest told my mother once after her aunt Lolita died of breast cancer.
Grief is the last and final act of love one experiences to showcase their sorrow, anger, frustrations, disappointment, and affection for the lost. One has to undergo extreme pain to express their truest desire for the one they lost to God. I don't know how this is going to help you in anyway but what I've understood is to acknowledge the extent of the pain and let it freely swim through your body. Your brain may have already processed the loss but your heart is still clinging on to her memories, her fading scent and anything that reminds you of her. You'll eventually learn how to let go and when you do, always keep this in your mind- you won't betray her or the truth.
I'm not worthy of saying this but maybe it's time you work on forgiving her.
Love,
Tris
You have an instant message from Tobias:
Tobias: How could you say that. She abandoned me, Tris. I was young. I was her only child and she left me with Marcus. She betrayed me and basically told me I'm not worthy of her love and you are suggesting I should have sympathy for someone who decided to lead a better life without her kid? She may have been a good person when we were little. But I knew her real self. She was a brilliant actor.
Day after day, night after night, months after you had left town, Marcus would come home drunk and beat me to a pulp. Nobody has ever bought as many numbing creams as I have. I couldn't wear white or any light colour for that matter. I have scars upon scars. This wouldn't have happened if she took me with her. I have never cared about what strained circumstances she had to live in because I would have stayed at her side even if we were deep into poverty.
So, no. NO, Tris. You don't get to spit proverbial wisdom at me when you don't have an inkling about what demons she was hiding by pretending to be a good mother that she never was and could ever become.
Out of all the people, I didn't think it was going to be you who tells me to forgive her. I cannot possibly believe you've become this selfish. Pathetic.
Tris: Tobias, I-
Tobias has logged off.
You have an instant message from Christina:
Christina: Honestly, you shouldn't have written the last line. Or any other line.
Tris: Chris, I didn't mean it that way. Believe me.
Christina: I trust you. But it hurt him. He's never not talked to you on purpose.
Tris: I'm stupid, an idiot. I thought some philosophical bullshit would help him get through these tough times. Don't speak ill of the dead. But obviously, I added fuel to the fire.
Christina: He called you 'selfish', right?
Tris: I guess, yeah. If you interpret his words literally.
Christina: Well, literally, he's wrong.
Tris: Didn't you hear him properly? I assumed he had made amends with Evelyn. I am selfish and foolish. I should've kept my mouth shut. Who in their right mind tells a person to forgive their mother who abandoned him with an aggressive tyrant in their house to search for a better life instead?
Christina: I disagree. You deserve to mourn her death as much as any other person close to her. She treated you with love and respect and I believe it is your universal right to miss her. I know they had a messy relationship but everything with Marcus happened after you had left that town. He doesn't get to be mad at you. You didn't know who she really was.
Tris: She was an abuser but not the same as Marcus. How did I not see it?
Christina: That boy has suffered more than anyone I know. I don't get it how he keeps it together all the time. But he's intelligent, Trissy. He'll realise no sooner than later that he'll be just as devastated as you to break this friendship. Focus on doing what's correct.
Tris: I don't know what's right anymore, Chris. I wish I could just reverse time and not send that letter. What was supposed to be a thoughtful letter turned into the thing that caused the demise of our friendship. As if it already wasn't fraught with complications.
Christina: What other complications? Him being madly in love with you or…?
Tris: Shut up.
Tris: But even if he was, he isn't anymore.
Christina: True love finds its way around. Haven't you learnt anything from fairy tales, you silly girl?
Tris has logged off.
Christina: I'll try talking to Tobias. For you. You owe me one.
Christina: One last thing, Beatrice. You didn't lose him. You never will.
From: Tris
To: Tobias
Subject: Silent treatment?
After you didn't respond to my several tear-stained apology letters, cheap postcards, and drunken texts, I figured you would reply to your emails at least. I may be very wrong but alas here I am.
I don't know what Christina told you but I'm not here to beg for your forgiveness. (Okay, maybe a little bit.) I understand you're upset and angry with me. I am too. I would also like to slap myself but my survival instincts and a stupid brain prevents me from severely hurting myself. (I can't even tickle myself. Okay no jokes.)
Tobias, I never meant for this to happen. I'm stupid, dumb, crazy, and an idiot. I'm all things wrong and you're right, I'm selfish too. I shouldn't have made assumptions about you and your mother. I thought I was being polite offering my condolences to you and saying a few good words about her. I didn't forget what she did. I don't think I ever could. I am a foolish woman. My dad taught me to let the grief to do better next time and I promise I'll never make this mistake ever again. I didn't know what I was trying to project. I should've known better.
But now I do. And I want to make things right. I'm sorry, so so so so sorry. There's nobody in this entire universe sorrier than me.
From: Tris
To: Tobias
Subject: Undoing wrongs here. Notice it.
I shouldn't have tried to portray her as a saint. Shouldn't have glorified her. I had no idea she was that cruel. I described her the way that I did because she had been good to me when we were young. And I sincerely thought you understood where I was coming from.
Sorry.
You have an instant message from Christina:
Christina: Stop being an ass to Tris. She said what she thought you wanted to hear.
Tobias: Ah, I was wondering who it could be blasting my text chain at 3 am.
Christina: I dare you to call me right fucking now. I'm dangerously furious, Tobias.
Tobias: Whatever. I'm not scared of you.
Tobias: Also, don't tell me you agree with her.
Christina: I do, as a matter of fact. What did you expect from her? To hate Evelyn the same way you do? You would've been livid if she cursed your dead mother; you'd be saying no one understood your mother the way you did. She tried to not speak ill of the dead and you are pissed because she glorified her. Jesus, Tobias, people make mistakes. Forgive her and move on.
Tobias: She didn't make a mistake, Chris. Come on.
Christina: You have got to be kidding me. Have you never made such a horrible mistake you wished you could reverse time?
Tobias: That's not what the problem is. Tris made me realise what Evelyn and I could have had if I hadn't been so relentless and difficult. Now that I've lost her, I feel guilty of choosing to live a life without her.
Christina: What she did was not your fault.
Tobias: Why does everybody keep telling me that?
Christina: I'm exhausted, Tobias. Get in touch with Beatrice and tell her how you feel. She's worried that you don't love her anymore. Jesus, You guys are a hot mess.
From: Tris
To: Tobias
Subject: Talk to me. Please.
I can't lose you, Tobias. I won't survive that blow. I'm barely living right now.
From: Tobias
To: Tris
Subject: Re: Silent treatment?
Your dad also taught me that when someone does something wrong, it is in the past and you must let it rest where it lies.
And I think I agree with him.
You have an instant message from Tris:
Tris: You've forgiven me?
Tobias: I will on one condition.
Tris: What is it?
Tris: I agree. I agree whatsoever.
Tris: Type faster for God's sake.
Tobias: Patience, grasshopper.
Tobias: I want you to come to Los Angeles. I don't care for how long- two hours or two months. I have a huge favour to ask. And of course, you have to bring Leah along. Axl's been driving me crazy lately and I think some one-on-one with a cousin would do him some good. Hopefully, it does.
Tris: Would this weekend work?
Tobias: Perfect.
Tris: Am I forgiven for my sin?
Tobias: Sins. And yes. I should apologize too for calling you selfish and pathetic.
Tris: Eh, it's alright. We all make mistakes sometimes. Can't wait to see you.
Tobias: Me too. And one last thing, Christina was right.
Tris: What do you mean?
Tobias: Go figure.
Tris: Okay melodramatic assclown.
Tobias: 4
Tris: What's that supposed to be?
Tobias: Oh, shoot. That's supposed to be a heart. 3
Tris: Go to sleep, Tobias.
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Thank you for reading this chapter!