Jade sat quietly after Lane had left, turning on the television only to ignore it entirely. It was more for show anyway as she'd heard Lane tell Emma to keep an eye on her as he left. They hadn't made much progress when he returned to her in the hospital garden. Jade was too busy trying to swallow the enormity of the situation to even have the space to talk about what she was feeling. Feelings suddenly seemed so trivial.
One step forward, three steps back.
The phrase bounced around Jade's head endlessly, like an old record with a stuck needle that she couldn't quite reach to free it. It wasn't as though she was expecting to magically feel better, but she'd had a handful of sessions with Lane now, she'd started opening up to Beck for Christ's sake; why wasn't anything working? The hopelessness enveloping her quickly gave way to anger and, before she knew it, she was launching the nearest object at the television.
It was lucky that Jade was such a poor shot as while the object of her anger was the small foam ball, the force with which she threw it could have done some serious damage to the aging television. As it was, the only evidence was a faint blue mark on the wall where the ball had made contact. Unfortunately for Jade, the ball bounced off and landed a distance from the bed, far beyond her reach. For a moment she looked around for something else to throw, nearly grabbing her pillow before she finally managed to catch herself. What was she even doing?
She ran her good hand through her hair, her fingers lingering on the little tuft now growing at the base where they'd drilled the hole. It felt different, almost too soft compared to the rest of her hair but spikey when rubbed the wrong way. She wasn't sure how visible it was, or if she had the energy to care. All it was, was a reminder; more evidence that her life had fallen apart at the seams. It took Jade almost a minute to realise she had tightened her grip on the short hairs so much that it was making her head pound.
Breathing. That was what Lane wanted her to do. With great effort, she removed her fingers, grasping the sheets instead, and tried to focus.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
Her breath felt shaky in her chest, as though the walls of her lungs were trembling under the effort of simply breathing. The heavy weight wouldn't budge.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
There was no instant relief, no release of pressure or weight lifted but, after the fifth or sixth repetition, Jade realised the air was just a little easier to hold onto. Her lungs felt a little stronger under the weight on her chest and she could use it to let go of some of the anger – sort of. She opened her eyes, not having realised she'd shut them in the first place. The room looked the same as before, but she didn't feel quite as on edge as she had; however, it didn't stop her from glaring at the little blue ball in the spot it had come to rest.
Steeling herself, Jade moved to awkwardly swing her legs over the edge of the bed. Manoeuvring with only one working shoulder was something she had yet to master, as her failed bathroom trip had shown her. Still, soon enough she had shuffled to the edge of the bed and let herself slip into a standing position. She crossed the room swiftly and scooped down to collect the ball before moving to the wall to inspect her handywork. It didn't look too bad, just as though something had rubbed up against it. She gave the ball a squeeze but more in annoyance than anything else; hopefully, no one would notice. It was as she turned back towards the bed, her vision suddenly greyed at the edges and an overwhelming feeling of nausea overtook her. Jade stumbled, struggling to keep her balance as her good arm struck out in a search for support.
She made it back over to the bed, pitching dangerously as her vision shifted some more. She blindly reached for the mattress, but it was too high to get onto easily. As another wave of nausea flooded her stomach, she stumbled back until her calves hit something large and soft.
Beck's chair.
She almost collapsed into it with relief, glad she no longer had to try and hold herself up as she waited for the world to stop spinning. It was odd though; Jade thought the chair would be softer and more comfortable than it felt. Her vision was starting to clear quite rapidly, the dark edges dissipating and the nausea receding. Jade blinked a few times, trying to clear the last of it away only to become aware of a dull throb from the base of her spine. It was only as she started to become fully aware of her surroundings that she realised something was very wrong. All the angles of the room were different and why was she face to face with the underworking's of the metal bedframe? She wrestled with confusion for a moment before the situation dawned on her. She hadn't sat in the chair at all. She'd missed it and ended up sitting straight down onto the floor, hence the dull pain and odd surroundings.
Jade would have rolled her eyes at the situation, but she was still a little wary of the dizziness returning. She heard a buzz above her head, her phone she realised. She reached out awkwardly with her arm, even though it was on the wrong side and managed to jostle the mattress enough to bring her phone to the edge. The triumph felt when she managed to get it down without smashing it was a little pathetic, but Jade couldn't find it in herself to care.
(1) New Message: Beck Oliver
No tostadas for lunch… Trina sprayed vinegar all over the grub truck.
Jade managed a half-smile at Beck's message. She knew he was checking up on her, but he was trying his hardest to make it seem like less of an interrogation. She was actually quite impressed, this was only her second message of the day; he was doing better than she had expected, than even he had expected. The thought of grub truck tostadas made her stomach grumble, taking Jade completely by surprise. She couldn't remember the last time it had done that. It only then dawned on her that she hadn't eaten or really drunk anything since breakfast with Lane. She'd ignored her tray earlier, her mind too preoccupied and Lane hadn't stayed for lunch as he often did as he was needed on campus.
'Well at least that explains the dizziness I guess' she thought, irritated by her own actions. While the world was no longer spinning, she wasn't sure she had the strength to get back up yet. She kicked a foot out in a small act of frustration only to be confused when it hit something other than the air she was expecting. Something that crinkled.
Curious, Jade shuffled within reaching distance and pulled on the sheets only to find herself looking at the hamper Beck had brought back with him. Jade stared at it for a moment. Now she looked at it, she could remember it but it was like up until that point her brain had blocked it out. She felt the same twinge of anxiety as before, but it was lesser now than before, and accompanied by a growing interest. What could the others have bought her?
The more she looked at the hamper, the more she couldn't ignore her growing curiosity for the contents of the bow-wrapped, cellophane monstrosity in-front of her.
'Well, I'm not going to be moving anywhere anytime soon' she reasoned.
She started to pull at the black bow, tugging hard until she realised it was actually on an elastic and could be slipped off. The cellophane rustled noisily as Jade tried to find the join in the piece without ripping it. She finally managed to remove the cellophane and pulled the basket closer to her. There was shredded tissue paper everywhere in whites and silvers, she'd already spilt a fair amount onto the hospital floor trying to get the basket unwrapped.
Jade paused for a moment, taking time to sweep what she could reach into a small pile with her hands; her curiosity was suddenly being tempered by a rising anxiety.
Why am I so anxious?
The question seemed so obvious, but she had no answer for it. She waited a few more minutes, trying to level her breathing out by sheer force of will. Deciding there was nothing to do but push through it, Jade gritted her teeth and started going through the items one by one.
Straight away she could see Tori's hand in picking the items, there were several, very feminine, 'pampering' orientated products; bath crystals, body wash, hand cream and a body moisturiser. Jade winced slightly as they were all different scents but, to her surprise, they all seemed to include vanilla. Jade wondered if Beck had been involved in this at all, he hadn't said anything but she knew he'd always liked the smell of her vanilla bodywash, to the point at which she'd nearly thrown it all out when they broke up; then again, Jade had decided it was too good of a body wash to waste it over a guy.
Jade lined up the various creams along the floor and returned her attention to the remaining items. A jar candle, this time sandalwood and Bergamot; again, Jade wondered about Beck's involvement as she used to keep Sandalwood candles in her room alongside reed diffusers. It was a calming smell for her, subtle but strong enough that it didn't fade into the background. Or maybe it was Cat? Jade suddenly felt bad that she hadn't thought of Cat before. Besides Beck, Cat was the one other person she would have said she was close too, although in a completely different way to Beck. She was Cat's confidant, especially with her brother but Jade never returned the favour, keeping all her demons locked up tight.
Still, Jade placed the candle to the side with the other items and moved on. As she stared down at the black and green cuddly toy, bright green, glassy eyes staring back at her Jade felt the lump in her throat reform. This was definitely Cat's input. She ran her thumbs over the plush black fabric, over the crazy tuft of faux fur in-between what she assumed was supposed to be the ears Jade felt hot tears spilling over her cheeks. She didn't even know why she was crying, just that it would be useless to try to stop herself. Since after the initial days following the incident, she hadn't really cried but now it seemed there was no stopping it. They weren't big sobs, just the continuous silent streaming of tears. They itched slightly as they collected along her jawline, but she made no move to wipe them off. Her vision blurred until the soft toy became just a black blur streaked with green but even then, she couldn't seem to stop, her fingers still tracing the material and almost relishing in the softness.
Jade didn't know how long she was sat there for, but her tears did eventually dry up and it was only then she moved her sleeve to dry her face. She could feel the puffiness and her eyes stung but she almost felt lighter now than she did before. She looked at the ridiculous cartoon face staring up at her, somewhat incredulous at how she had reacted to a soft toy, but it didn't stop her from placing it very carefully on the floor next to her.
Jade reached for the last two items, chocolate peanuts and a small tin of hard mints. She turned the tin of mints over in her hands, inspecting them before looking more closely at the peanuts. She was a grazer, preferring to snack throughout the day and chocolate peanuts were a favourite of hers; she always seemed to have a packet stashed in her bag for emergency cravings. Impulsively, Jade pulled the packaging apart, no easy feat with only one working hand but she managed to grip it weakly with her immobilised hand as she pulled them open.
As she popped the first one in her mouth, Jade thought it might be the first time she had actually tasted anything properly in months. The chocolate melted quickly across her tongue, almost coating it in a thin layer of sweet indulgence before giving way to the blander but somehow still buttery peanut. She chewed it carefully, unsure if she wanted to savour the moment or chase the instant gratification. Before she knew it, she'd eaten almost a third of the bag, only pausing to inspect the branding; it was something much more upmarket than her usual Walmart selection on her way to school. Calling on her willpower, she folded the top of the bag over and rested them on the floor with the other things.
She thumbed through the rest of the tissue paper, checking she hadn't missed anything, before replacing the pieces of tissue which had fallen out. Her gaze fell back on the small selection of items she'd pulled from the hamper, something uncomfortable shifting with her again. Each item was thoughtful, time had clearly been taken in selecting each one, but it didn't make Jade feel good; all the previous warmth from the peanuts was rapidly dissipating. She was confused, anxiety ebbing in waves the longer she looked at them.
Why had they done this for her?
Who even was 'they'? Was it really all of them, or had Beck just been trying to make her feel better? Or Cat?
It felt like her brain was stuttering, struggling to process the information in-front of her. It was frustrating, another addition to the rapidly mounting feelings inside her head. Jade swore her head throbbed painfully in response to that, as though there was not enough room for everything she was thinking, everything she was feeling.
"Jade? Are you alright?"
If Jade had been standing, she probably would have fallen over at Emma's voice. She snapped her head towards the door, completely surprised to see Emma standing there with a lunch tray having not heard her come in. Jade opened her mouth to answer but found she had no answer to speak of; she really hated that question.
"Why are you on the floor?" Emma's face was an odd mix of concern and slightly comical surprise as she approached Jade.
"I missed the chair and I didn't feel like getting back up."
Emma read in-between the lines almost immediately, switching straight back to her clinical brain as she moved to help Jade get up. Jade accepted her help without too much hesitation, the floor was fast becoming cold and uncomfortable.
With Jade settled back onto the side of the bed, Emma stooped to pick up the contents of the hamper.
"Where did these come from?"
"Some friends from school." The word 'friends' seemed foreign in her mouth, but any other description would have felt lacking.
"That's nice of them." Emma breezed, resting the items back into the hamper on top of the shredded tissue. "And these are some fancy products – I've always wanted to try Clinic 42 but never seemed right to spend that kind of money on something you pour down the drain, not on my wage anyway."
Jade nodded along, only half listening as she struggled to get on top of the mess that still persisted inside her head. Emma noticed that Jade wasn't paying that much attention and fell quiet. She put the hamper onto the empty chair and reached for the remote to turn off the television, now showing some rather desperate teleshopping.
"Jade?"
Jade looked up at her for a second time, the blue ball back to being squeezed firmly in her hand.
"I've brought you some lunch, which I'm going to need you to eat now to get your sugars back up."
Emma didn't like being so insistent about when her patients ate their food, firmly of the view that it was better for them to spend four hours eating their lunch than to feel pressured and not eat it at all. However, if Jade had 'missed' the chair, and taking into account her even paler than usual complexion, she needed some sustenance as soon as possible.
Jade looked at the food in-front of her, her earlier hunger somewhat disappearing even though today's offering did not look as questionable as usual. A plain but not unattractive cheese sandwich, sliced apple and grapes in a fruit bowl with a raspberry yoghurt and some sugar biscuits.
"I just ate some chocolate peanuts."
If Emma was surprised by Jade's sudden admission, she didn't show it.
"That's good but while I'm sure they tasted good, they're kind of low on the vitamin content."
Jade relented and picked up a corner of the sandwich but still resisted putting it near her mouth, her stomach turning unpleasantly as the weight on her chest dug itself in even further.
"Eating is important to your recovery Jade; it will make you feel a lot better."
"I'm not in the mood."
"But you are hungry."
It was a statement, not a question and Jade paused as she realised her own choice of words. She was hungry, maybe still as hungry as she had been when she sat on the floor but, at the same time, she didn't actually want to eat.
"I think so."
"I expect your sick of hearing this by now, but this is normal for someone in your position."
Jade wasn't able to resist rolling her eyes at the repetitive phrase.
"Your brain is still stuck in survival mode, any anxiety you feel will be putting you off eating – almost as though your body doesn't want to introduce anything else into its system that it might not be able to cope with but, the longer you go without eating, the more your sugar level drops which will only increase your anxiety as it triggers hormone release to try and kick start your liver into producing more sugar."
"Which it can't do." Jade's quiet voice surprised even herself, but Emma's words made sense; she was sure they'd covered this in biology at some point, something about adrenaline and fight or flight to allow survival. It didn't make it the cheese sandwich look any more palatable, but the explanation made her feel slightly less crazy. Slightly.
"You've got to put mind over mind on this one Jade, not mind over matter; but I promise the more of the sandwich you eat, the better you will feel."
Jade felt the familiar frustration rise inside of her, only it wasn't aimed at Emma but at herself. Did she have so little control that she couldn't even help herself now? In a swift move, Jade shoved half of the corner into her mouth, chewing determinedly. It did not taste good; her mouth was so dry the bread stuck to the roof of her mouth as the cheese disintegrated around her teeth, but she didn't stop chewing. It took several swallows to get the whole mouthful down, but Jade followed it quickly with another, somewhat more manageable bite, refusing to give in. The more she chewed, the easier it became until she'd managed to eat both halves. Emma passed her a cup of water which she accepted gladly, taking down large gulps as she tried to make her mouth feel less like a desert.
Emma was once again impressed by the sheer grit and determination of her patient; she was getting much more of a feeling as to who Jade was before the incident. She took the cup back off her as Jade moved onto the fruit.
"Don't go too fast, you'll get hiccups and you don't want to risk throwing it up."
"You said I had to eat it now."
"Yes, but you don't need to inhale it." Emma batted away her icy tone with ease and felt somewhat victorious when Jade slowed down.
It took another ten minutes for Jade to finish the fruit and yoghurt, but she paused before deciding against the biscuits. The food she had eaten was sitting a little uncomfortably in her stomach, her body probably in shock that she'd eaten anything substantial at all in one go.
"You can save those for later, have them in a few hours to keep your sugar up."
Jade nodded and let Emma clear the tray as she attempted to get slightly more comfortable on the bed. Emma walked her through some more exercises for her shoulder, adding in another new one that felt like her whole arm was about to disconnect from the socket. Despite this, Jade had noticed that the exercises that she found hard the week before were definitely easier to do now.
Emma kept up a steady flow of chatter throughout, but Jade didn't say much beyond one-word answers. She wasn't trying to be rude but she had slipped back into a place where talking seemed like too much effort and mercifully, the anxiety had lessened somewhat allowing her brain to take a much-needed breather. The thoughts of her living situation, her father and her mother still flitted around her head, but the tiredness was just enough to allow her to push them to one side, at least for now. Emma noticed Jade was suddenly very drowsy and started manoeuvring the sheets to tuck her in. Jade probably would have found this another source of frustration had she been more awake, but she was out like a light by the time Emma had finished her work.
Just as Emma started to leave an odd noise caught her attention, a violent buzz from somewhere on the floor. Emma bent down to find the source of the buzzing was Jade's phone which was pretty far under the bed. Emma retrieved the phone, only to find the phone screen lit up.
(1) New Message: Beck Oliver
Lunch was eventful, now everything is covered in vinegar…. Going to shower before I come back to the hospital. Everything okay with you?
Emma was certainly not in the habit of snooping on her patient's phones but when she saw it was the second of two unanswered messages, she thought she'd better intervene.
Hi Beck, it's Emma (nurse) here, Jade's just fallen asleep after having some lunch. She'll probably be awake by the time you get back from school. Have a good afternoon.
She read it a few times before pressing the send button, happy that she wasn't overstepping her professional bounds in any way. She adjusted the blinds right before leaving, hoping if there were as few distractions as possible, Jade stood a decent chance of a good few hours' sleep.
Beck felt instant relief as his phone buzzed and Jade's name popped up. He had tried not to worry when she hadn't replied to his first message straight away. He read it quickly, a little disappointed when he saw it was from Emma but glad when he read the content. Jade eating lunch and sleeping? That was definitely an improvement on the last few days. Unable to stop the small smile spreading onto his face, he pocketed his phone and tried to turn his attention back to the history teacher.
The general mood of the classroom was incredibly grumpy as the smell of vinegar permeated from almost every student. Beck wasn't even sure how it all started, only that Trina was now in the principal's office, and hopefully about to be sent home. Beck couldn't wait for the end of the day so he could go and change his clothes.
The rest of the day passed by in a bit of a haze, too slowly for Beck but he wasn't really paying that much attention to his lessons. The individual work was alright but for some reason listening to the teachers just caused his mind to drift. As the final bell rung, Beck almost sighed with relief, making a beeline for his truck.
"Beck!" He had reached for the door handle when Cat's voice reached him. He turned to see her running towards him.
"What's up Cat?"
"Are you going to see Jadey?"
"Yeah, but I'm going home first to shower."
"Trina got you too?" Cat's nose wrinkled as the smell of vinegar coming off of Beck's clothes reached her. Thankfully Cat had been in a dance rehearsal over lunch with Tori and had managed to avoid the vinegar debacle that he, Andre and Robbie had all fallen victim to.
"Yeah and I want to get it off as quickly as possible so-" Beck felt a bit rude, but he really didn't want to be held up any longer than he had to.
"Can I come with you? I want to see Jade."
Beck winced, having a feeling that this was coming, and he didn't really have an answer for her. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not.
"Cat, I'm not sure if Jade's ready."
"Please-y" Cat's eyes got almost comically bigger "I saw her the other day remember, and she was okay with it. If she isn't, I'll go, and I'll be quiet this time, I promise."
Beck didn't have the heart to disagree with her. To Cat, Jade the other day had been okay but she hadn't seen Jade in-between like Beck had, she hadn't seen the wide range of ups and downs she could go through. Still, he gestured to the other side of his truck and Cat squeaked in happiness before bouncing around to get in, chattering about how it was lucky as her mom couldn't make it to pick her up from school anyway.
Beck let Cat chatter on for the whole journey home, although he made more of an effort to listen to her than he had their teachers. Cat was quite happy just to have someone to talk to who wasn't brushing her off, covering a myriad of topics as her mind wandered from thought to thought. It wasn't until she was sitting on the couch in Beck's RV, waiting for Beck to finish up in the bathroom, that she finally paused her still external chatter to look around. She hadn't been in Beck's RV since him and Jade had broken up, with the gang either meeting at school or somewhere else. Cat still felt bad about the times Jade had been excluded either accidentally or on purpose, like the previous week. Cat knew what it was like to be excluded and it made her quite sad to think of how Jade must feel.
She looked around the RV, frowning as she realised things were different from the last time. Had Beck redecorated? Things were in different places and there were holes on the shelves, the desk that should have had things on them. It took a moment for her to realise that it was Jade who was missing. Cat was so used to seeing the RV scattered with Jade's belongings, it looked bereft without them. Cat had at one-point thought Jade had moved into Beck's RV, when she'd been there to work on a project with Jade and her stuff was everywhere; books, clothing, her coveted deluxe copy of The Scissoring. Jade had brushed her off at the time, but Beck had laughed and commented that she might as well do since most of her stuff was there. What seemed like a funny comment at the time now seemed much more sinister to Cat, she unconsciously grabbed a couch cushion and hugged it close.
"Cat, everything okay?"
Cat had been so wrapped up in her thoughts, she hadn't realised the shower had been off for a while and subsequently not heard Beck come back into the room in clean clothes with freshly dried hair.
"Your RV is all wrong"
"Huh?" Beck was even more bewildered and panicking slightly as water pooled in Cat's eyes.
"There's no Jadey here and there should be." Cat sounded angry now but Beck was still struggling to grasp her meaning.
"Cat you know she's in the hospital, they've been looking after her." Beck approached her carefully, not wanting to cause any more upset.
"I know that, but she'd not here. All her stuff is missing, and it isn't right, you two weren't supposed to break up."
Cat's voice had taken on an increasingly vulnerable quality, although it wasn't anything like the child-like tone she usually adopted. Beck didn't know quite how to describe it but it pulled at his heart strings painfully and he shifted closer to Cat, wrapping an arm over her shoulders in a half hug. Unfortunately for Cat, the gesture did away with the last of her control on her emotions and she felt tears tracking their way down her face.
"How didn't we notice that she was hurting?" Cat sniffed, guilt welling up inside her. Beck squeezed his eyes shut as he rubbed his hand up and down Cat's arm in an attempt to offer comfort. It was the same question he must have asked himself at least a thousand times over the last week but he still couldn't really answer it.
"I don't know Cat" he replied honestly "But I do know this, Jade didn't want us to know and you know if Jade is determined to do something, she really makes it difficult for someone to go against it."
"But she shouldn't have wanted to hide it from us, I always told her everything."
"I know, I know." Beck soothed "And I know how much Jade values that you trust her so much and just because Jade didn't tell you doesn't mean she didn't trust you."
"It kinda does though." Cat's tears had stopped but her voice was still thick.
"Do you think Jade didn't trust me?" Beck felt more than a little apprehensive about asking Cat as there were plenty of times he'd questioned it, both to Jade and himself.
"I thought she did." Cat was uncertain.
"I thought she did too, and then I found out and I thought she didn't but, in the end, I think it's more complicated than just trusting someone."
"What do you mean?" Cat was looking at Beck now for the first time.
"Well, Jade didn't want to risk trusting someone else with information of a situation that I don't think she even knew what to do with; it was normal for her but not for any of us so how could we understand?"
"But we would have." Cat interjected.
"Jade didn't know that and, also we don't even know that. I still don't know what would have happened if she told me at any time in the last two years, how I would have reacted or what I would have done although I've thought about it a lot in the last week."
Cat bit her lip as she thought through Beck's argument, somewhat reluctant to agree that it did make sense.
"We've spent a long time talking about it together and, the way Jade saw it, we were safe." Beck continued, realising as he spoke that the whole situation made more sense than he'd given it credit for. "We were drama free, had no connection to her family and wouldn't treat her any different, we were an escape and why would she risk ruining that?"
"I suppose it makes sense." Cat admitted, twirling a piece of her red hair absentmindedly between her fingers, the couch cushion having now flopped onto the floor.
"Do you think she's going to be okay?"
The seemingly innocent question caused Beck's heart to clench painfully again.
"I hope so Cat."
Barely half an hour later, Cat and Beck were walking through the maze of hospital corridors towards Jade's room. Cat was still more subdued than normal, although she looked brighter after taking a moment to splash cold water on her face; Beck's suggestion as it was his mother's catch all solution for most problems. He hadn't text Jade in advance, not wanting to wake her up if she was still sleeping but he felt an odd mix of anxiety and excitement at seeing her again. He was so used to spending most of his time with her over the past week, he wasn't ashamed to admit he'd missed her at school, especially now he could let his thoughts stray back into relationship territory.
He peeked through the small window and was somewhat disappointed to see Jade sitting up in bed, very obviously awake as she was scribbling something on a bit of paper with her good hand. He gave two gentle knocks so as not to startle her but couldn't stop the wide grin spreading across his face as she looked up. He opened the door, Cat close on his heels as Jade put the paper to one side.
"I bought a visitor."
"Hi!" For all her quiet manner on the ride over, Cat seemed to have returned to her bubbly self, bounding over to greet her friend.
"Hey Cat." Jade managed a small smile of her own, realising it was actually nice to see Cat.
"I'll go grab another chair."
Beck's words went mostly unnoticed as Cat had started jabbering away about goodness knows what.
Jade thought she was doing better at keeping up with Cat's chatter than she had on her previous visit, but it was taking a lot of effort. Jade never realised just how quickly Cat could talk.
"Cat, you're going to have to slow down I can't keep up."
Cat paused, wondering if now was the right moment? If it wasn't, would there ever be a right moment.
"Why didn't you tell me?" The words had left her mouth before she could stop them.
Jade stared at her. She reached for the worn blue foam on reflex. Jade had been hoping that this question wouldn't be asked for a long time, if at all. She'd already gone ten rounds with Beck but somehow coming from Cat it was almost more difficult. Beck had been her boyfriend and he'd thought confidant but Cat, Cat was her best friend who had not dissimilar family problems, problems that she'd shared with Jade. Jade had always thought there was an unspoken understanding between them, the knowledge that Jade's family was also fucked up but maybe she'd misjudged it all.
"I thought you sort of knew." Jade decided to be brutally honest, not having it in her to try and concoct a lie however it didn't stop the guilt she felt as Cat's face dropped.
"I thought you knew things were difficult, but I didn't want to talk about it."
"I just thought it was your Dad, 'cause you and he don't really talk, and he's kind of nasty to you."
For some reason, the truth about her father wasn't easier to hear coming from someone else but, Jade realised how well she had hidden the real happenings from both Beck and Cat.
"I guess I wanted to believe you knew as I didn't want to have that conversation." Jade thought it through as she spoke. Had she known that Cat wouldn't have a clue about her mother? Even after the time Cat saw the bruise on her shoulder a few months back, as her mother had just started ramping up the level of violence. In her mind, Jade had connected it with her being around the house more following the break-up.
"When we were hanging out, or at school things were normal, I didn't want to lose it by talking about my drug addicted mother."
"But didn't you trust me?" Again, the words fell out without Cat having any control over them.
Jade swallowed. Truth was, Jade wasn't certain she had trusted anyone but how did you explain that the issue was you and not all the other people?
"I don't think it's as straightforward as trust, Cat."
"That's what Beck said."
Jade frowned at that; the idea of Cat and Beck talking about her while she wasn't present was aggravating to say the least. However, the feeling didn't last long, replaced by a thankfulness that Beck really was understanding what she was saying, which was a miracle in itself given that she was also processing a lot of these emotions and feelings for the first time herself.
"Yeah, well, Beck was always the smart one."
"But you get higher marks than him?" Jade snorted
"Yeah but don't remind him of that." They were both smart and pretty evenly matched across the board. The main difference between them is that Jade tended to keep her grades to herself, sure she kept a mental list of her ranking, but she didn't tend to share them beyond her friendship group.
The momentary light mood was shifting rapidly into awkwardness, neither girl knowing what to say until Jade had a small epiphany.
"Cat, this isn't your fault."
"But I didn't notice." Cat's eyes were shining again.
"But that doesn't make it your fault, any more than it makes it Beck's fault or-" Jade took a breath, trying to be brave as she admitted something she hadn't before
"Or even my fault; and I was the one who knew exactly what was going on."
It felt like a big step, to finally say those words out loud and recognise that perhaps this wasn't her fault. Cat didn't look completely convinced but Jade wasn't giving up. In an impulsive move that was very out of character, she moved her hand from the ball and gestured to Cat to take it. Cat did without hesitation.
"Do you blame me for this?"
"No." Cat's answer was instantaneous.
"Then you definitely shouldn't be blaming yourself, understand?"
Finally, Cat nodded, and Jade gave her hand a squeeze for a moment before withdrawing. Cat hopped up onto the side of the bed like she had before, now visibly more relaxed and restarted her chatter of the day's activities.
From just outside the door, Beck breathed a sigh of relief, the plastic chair in his hands now redundant. He'd been about to re-enter when he heard Cat ask the question and, while he hadn't eavesdropped the conversation, the change in body language was a definite relief. It gave him just enough hope that maybe things could get better.
Well, another chapter down and some more movement for Jade. I know I said Mr West would reappear but my word count was getting ridiculous so he is back in the next chapter. As usual, all errors are my own.
I hope you enjoyed reading it, feel free to drop a line in the box below to let me know your thoughts. Big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, I really enjoyed reading them.