"Oh, shit, you've got it bad, don't you," Nolan smirked after reading the lyrics Hunnigan had given him and she sighed deeply. They were in his studio —which he referred to as his sanctum— where she'd gone over to play a guitar track for an upcoming single, and she was beginning to regret showing him the latest additions to her songbook.
"That's...a distinct possibility," she admitted reluctantly, slumped back on the couch and threw her arm over her eyes. "And why do you always make me regret showing you my vulnerable side?" she added in a humph, genuinely wishing he didn't know her well enough to know exactly what and who she wrote about, and that she didn't have the inexplicable need to offer her lyrics for him to make into music. At the end of the day no matter how much she wished, a bigger part of her always wanted to hear the end result because as much of a headache as he was at times, Nolan really was her other half when it came to this, and together they had the capability to put together masterpieces...or at least the occasional catchy tunes that would help pay for her son's education.
But God, at what cost, Hunnigan sighed internally as she looked over to see the smug shit-eating grin on her brother's face.
"Well, I mean, as far as I can see, I only stand to profit from your pining, but for your sake—"
"We've been over this, and I haven't changed my mind," Hunnigan interrupted and Nolan rolled his eyes.
"What's so difficult about it, just find your fucking confidence and do it."
"I have no confidence, you got all of it in the womb, and I got the bad eyesight. And most importantly, she's in a very vulnerable state right now, some might go as far as to say she's more or less dependent on me at the moment. How do you think telling her would go over? Put yourself in her shoes, wouldn't you feel coerced?" Hunnigan scoffed.
"Well no, unless you intend to word it along the lines of 'love me back or I'll kick you out', which I doubt you'd do, so what is the problem, I don't get it," Nolan frowned.
"I just can't, okay? So, stop bothering me about it."
"You know what, I would if it weren't so painful to watch you do this shit to yourself again, you keep letting others dictate your relationships and doing what you're told, but what do you want?"
"It doesn't matter because I'm not selfish and irresponsible enough to go for what I want at the cost of other people. Some of us stop to think of the possible consequences of our actions," Hunnigan snapped and Nolan laughed wryly.
"How about the consequences of your inaction? She's gonna leave and you're gonna let her, and you'll spend the rest of your days wishing you hadn't, wishing that you'd at least tried because hey, maybe if you had, you would've found out that she wants you too."
"Shut up. Seriously, just...stop talking," she said, feeling pretty dumb realizing she honestly hadn't considered that the feeling might be mutual, and dreading the hopeful feeling swelling in her chest at the mere implication of a possibility. She didn't want to think about it and get stuck daydreaming about it until it became a distraction, an ultimately unattainable fantasy which would only end up making her depressed because deep down she was certain it could never become true.
"Fine, go on living your life as the emotionally constipated lesbian cliché that you are, but you know I'm right," Nolan had to have the last word on the subject, and Hunnigan ran a hand over her face.
"Yes, you are," she admitted in a mutter and Nolan's eyebrows rose. He cupped his hand behind his ear and leaned in closer to his sister theatrically.
"I'm sorry, what? I didn't quite catch that."
"I said you're right, she's gonna leave and I'm gonna let her and I don't want to because I've gotten used to having her around all the time and I like having her there...even if she's a terrible neatfreak who constantly criticizes my housekeeping," she smirked.
"No, dude, she just seems like a neatfreak because you're a terrible slob," Nolan interjected and Hunnigan didn't bother arguing.
There was some truth to it, she had a bad habit of leaving things like clothes and books, coffee mugs and drinking glasses in places they didn't belong, but she considered that rather harmless. Helena on the other hand seemed to have some compulsive need to wash the dishes and thoroughly scrub the sink and faucets afterward; Hunnigan's tendency to leave dishes everywhere had come up frequently during their conversations, some might have gone as far as to call it nagging.
Hunnigan knew enough about Helena's past and about compulsions to have figured out Helena's need to clear the dishes immediately was most likely something that had become an important ritual for her when growing up, so she didn't take it personally and she did make an effort to pick up after herself better, but there were a lot of days she simply forgot. What disturbed Hunnigan about it all was realizing she didn't even mind being nagged at because she associated that with the whole "bickering like an old couple"—thing...and the thought of being an old couple with Helena was extremely appealing to her.
"I swear to God, you're the dumbest smart person I know. Rather than just let her go without a fight, give her a sign you fucking love her, idiot. You don't know, she might want to stay but it's not like she's gonna ask to, is it?" Nolan said.
"You make it sound so easy."
"Because it is! What's the worst that could happen?"
Hunnigan took a moment to think about it and decided he had a valid point. Professionally, Shepard had already made sure she and Helena had been separated, so even if everything went to shit, it wouldn't necessarily get awkward at work. As far as the living arrangements went, she was relatively certain Helena was working on figuring something out, and in the meanwhile if she wanted to, she could stay at Hunnigan's apartment, maybe move into Seeley's room until she found her own place.
"I could get hurt," Hunnigan answered her brother's question, suddenly feeling herself on the verge of tears when she thought about being rejected.
"Yeah, but the thing is...you already hurt, so...maybe take a chance and it might get better."
Saturday, September 6th 2014.
Charlie had taken up a spot in Seeley's room when it had become evident that the little boy needed comforting to be able to get to sleep; the passing thunderstorm had been too much for him to bear without the emotional support of Helena's service dog. The thunder and lightning had begun to pass, a calm rain pattering the window the only remnant left of the storm.
"If those two don't end up together by the end of the season, I will lose my faith in the writers," Hunnigan commented as she sat on the couch watching an episode of Law&Order: Special Victims Unit with Helena, who laughed heartily at Hunnigan's comment.
"It's complete gay bait, never gonna happen. Especially when considering this is from 2002, I don't think lesbians have been invented yet as far as the entertainment industry is concerned."
"What about The L-word ?" Hunnigan challenged.
"Pft, oh, you mean 'The Blatant Lesbian Exploitation Show' that consisted of shitty one-dimensional characters and revolved around the mentally unstable straight girl who wakes up one morning and decides she's a lesbian and then fucks everyone she can regardless of their gender, cheats on everyone and finally ends up dead in a swimming pool, you mean that brilliant show that totally represents lesbians really well to the world?"
"Wow, tell me how you really feel," Hunnigan chuckled.
"My point is...when it comes to TV and movies, the rule is that if there's two female characters with undeniable chemistry, they will not end up together. Or if they do, one of them ends up dead two minutes later."
"Well, that seems stupid," Hunnigan scoffed, took a sip of red wine and leaned back on the couch.
"It is exactly that. But, kudos for even noticing the lesbian-vibe, most straight people wouldn't even realize to look for it," Helena complimented and Hunnigan scoffed again, this time into her wine glass as she went to take another drink from it.
"Bold of you to assume I'm straight."
"Oh, yes, the fact that you were married to a man and that you've deemed his penis beautiful really gives me a reason to think you're not straight," Helena drawled sarcastically and Hunnigan rolled her eyes.
"Ever heard of bisexuality?"
"Well, excuse me for not having any reason to think you're bi," Helena muttered, but it was a lie. She had plenty of reason if the video of Hunnigan kissing the drummer of the band she'd played in as a teenager was anything to go by. That said, she couldn't very well admit as much unless she wanted Hunnigan to realize she'd pried into her life. Not to mention what she'd seen had taken place when Hunnigan had been a teenager, Helena didn't think there were many teenaged girls who hadn't kissed another girl or at least thought about it, and then went on to date men exclusively.
"Fair point," Hunnigan shrugged one shoulder. "Oh, good God, she got bangs," she then exclaimed when another episode began and the woman playing the assistant district attorney made an appearance sporting a new haircut.
"I know, right? Who the hell thought that bangs were a good haircut for anyone ever?" Helena agreed.
"Bangs are acceptable only on people who have gigantic foreheads," Hunnigan said and Helena burst out laughing. "What?" Hunnigan chuckled at her sudden reaction.
"I just think this is the closest I've gotten to girl talk in my life. You know, talking about shows and haircuts, and shit like that."
"Careful, next thing you know we'll be talking about our periods and swapping 'most uncomfortable period-experience ever'-stories," Hunnigan smirked and refilled their wine glasses.
"China, summer of last year, being chased by monsters and zombies, feeling a million different kinds of gross and uncomfortable because my stomach's a mess, I'm sweating like a horse, and on top of all that I was accompanied by Leon," Helena listed, and Hunnigan gasped.
"Oh, no!"
"Oh, yes."
"Poor baby," Hunnigan said through a chuckle she tried hiding into her wine glass as she took a drink.
"Yeah, it's become one of those 'I'll laugh about it later'-things, and now is later, so go ahead," Helena gave permission, and Hunnigan shook her head.
"No, no, that is...absolutely not funny at all," she held up her finger, obviously sucking in the insides of her cheeks in a desperate attempt to keep a straight face.
"I told you mine, you tell me yours."
"Back when the band was touring, I got to spend quite a bit of time on a tour bus, and a bus toilet is not exactly ideal when you're on your period. Mostly because you can't really wash up properly, and also it's so cramped in there, imagine trying to fit my horse-legs in the tiny room and trying to find the space to, uhm, spread out to handle a tampon-situation," Hunnigan said.
"Horse-legs?" Helena guffawed.
"Yeah! It wasn't bad enough that I had to kind of stretch one of them through the door to be able to fit there, what made it worse was that someone had to kind of, you know, stand guard at the door, and who do you think did that?"
"Your brother?"
"My dad!"
"Well, awkward, sure, but kudos to him being there for you, most dads would probably just play dead rather than deal with their daughters' menstrual cycle," Helena smirked, took a drink of wine and and continued, "also, there's nothing horse-like about your legs, they're gorgeous so shut up."
"Nah, I'm—"
"Stop, I'm not arguing about this, you're tall, dark and gorgeous, and that's the truth, I wish I was too, but I'm just bitchy and pasty," Helena chuckled.
"Well, thank you, I guess."
"You know, I think you might actually be the coolest person I've ever met."
"Me? I'm the furthest thing from cool," Hunnigan laughed heartily.
"Are you kidding me? You were in a rockband, and not just some bad garage band, but like an actual band, you have fans, you're so smart and so fucking talented, and on top of that you've got that beforementioned tall, dark, and gorgeous-thing going on."
"I don't think any of those things are as impressive as what you did."
"What do you mean?" Helena frowned.
"You enlisted at seventeen and went overseas to save lives, and based on what I've seen you did a helluva job at it, that's far more impressive than anything I did," Hunnigan shook her head and Helena smiled ruefully.
"You make it sound like I had a choice."
"Oh...Helena, I didn't...Oh, God, I'm sorry, I didn't think that through, I'm so sorry."
"It's all right," Helena assured gently.
"Okay, I can't watch this anymore, it's too much," Hunnigan then changed the subject after a moment of somewhat awkward silence, nodding toward the TV.
"It's fine by me, I was just about to call it a night anyway, it's getting pretty late," Helena said, and Hunnigan glanced at her watch.
"You have a point, I think I'll come to bed too," she agreed and Helena smiled at the phrasing. "Come" to bed, not "go", because it was a bed they shared, and as silly as it maybe was, thinking about that made Helena feel warm and fuzzy inside.
In the past couple of weeks going to sleep with Hunnigan and waking up next to her had become the routine. There'd been mornings she'd woken up to find herself practically tangled with Hunnigan, her ear to the taller woman's heart, their limbs intertwined, and those mornings she would've given almost anything to never have to leave the bed. In a way the most brilliant part of it all was the fact that neither of them discussed any of it afterward, there was no need for that because somehow, wordlessly and effortlessly, sharing a bed had become the most natural thing in the world, there'd been no awkwardness about it.
Several minutes later, Helena lay awake still, listening to Hunnigan's breath, secretly enjoying the warmth radiating from Hunnigan's side to Helena's back as they lay close to each other, almost touching but not quite. After taking another moment to listen carefully, she determined from the depth and pace of Hunnigan's breath that she was still awake too.
"Hey," she whispered after turning to face Hunnigan.
"Mmm?" she muttered a response and though it was too dark to see the movement, Helena could hear the swish of Hunnigan's hair brushing against the pillowcase as she turned her face toward Helena.
"Can we talk for a bit?" she asked.
"Sure, what's on your mind?" Hunnigan said and Helena moved a little to get into a more comfortable position only to hit her forehead against Hunnigan's elbow.
"Ow, shit," she hissed.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry, here I go again with my horse-limbs, are you—"
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had your hands behind your head and elbows out," Helena chuckled awkwardly as she rubbed the point of impact to expel the dull ache.
"Still there," Hunnigan said when Helena felt around for the location so she'd know to avoid it. "And that's my armpit, I will hurt you if you tickle me," she added, a smirk audible in her voice.
"I wasn't going to, I'm just trying to figure out where I can put my head," Helena scoffed amusedly.
"Just put it on my arm," Hunnigan offered, and Helena was certain she could hear a faint trace of nervousness in her voice. She couldn't tell if it was good or bad nervous, though.
She rested her head on Hunnigan's bicep and inhaled sharply when she felt Hunnigan's breath brush against her lips and realized just how close they were.
"How do you keep your feet so soft?" Helena asked and Hunnigan laughed a little.
"That's what you wanted to talk about?" she asked, and Helena felt a cascade of tingles run up her leg and along her spine when Hunnigan made a point of rubbing her foot against Helena's shin.
"No, but I just realized it and want to know," Helena muttered with a smile, adjusting her leg a little, encouraging the touch.
"Obscene amounts of lotion, that's why my socks are always squishy," Hunnigan replied. "So, what was on your mind?" she then inquired and Helena had to take a second to comprehend Hunnigan was expecting an answer; her mind was still preoccupied with the subtle touches.
It wasn't like they hadn't been close to each other before, held each other even, but this time it felt...different. Somehow more intimate. The touches weren't just superficial and casual, if anything they were failed attempts to seem accidental when in reality they were very much done with purpose.
Does she want me, like I want her?
"I, uh...just wanted to say that I'm really glad you got snowed in with me that day. I don't even want to imagine where I'd be if you hadn't and if we hadn't become friends," Helena began and swallowed hard against her heart pounding in her chest when she felt the tip of Hunnigan's nose touch her own.
So close. Oh, God, how am I supposed to not kiss her? she thought and pinched her lips together tightly to prevent herself from doing what her body was demanding her to do; all it would take would be the tiniest nudge forward, and finally she'd—
"I'm glad too, really glad, you're the best friend I've ever had," Hunnigan said and Helena could hear the smile in her voice.
"Also, I wanted to apologize for having overstayed my welcome, I have actually been looking for a place but it's kind of challenging to scrounge up first month's rent and the deposit, especially since this furlough leaves me with only two thirds of my salary, and—"
"It's okay, trust me, you can...I mean...you haven't overstayed, I like having you here. Frankly, I..." Hunnigan trailed off slowly and Helena held her breath when she felt Hunnigan move her hand to cup Helena's face.
"Yeah?" she encouraged her to continue, closing her eyes at the gentle touch, turning her head slightly to press her cheek more into Hunnigan's palm.
"I want you to stay."
"Y-you do?" Helena stammered a little.
"Yes, very much so," Hunnigan confirmed and slid her hand over Helena's cheek, resting her fingers gently on the back of Helena's neck, caressing her face with her thumb.
"If you're sure."
"Of course I am," Hunnigan chuckled a little.
"...I would love to stay."
"Helena?"
"Yes?"
"...can I kiss you?"
"I think I might just die if you don't."