My secret? I have no shame.
PROLOGUE
SPACE SCHOOL!
{Yes... the little frog had to hop to it...}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 22: Onii-Chan Daisuki!
By: I Write Big
A person's home life is revealing. Let's take a look at Lila Rossi's. Her home was empty. Not a soul in sight except the young girl. There was nothing waiting for her that morning except for a cold breakfast on the table and a message on her phone.
"Hi, darling!" her mom's pre-recorded voice sang out. "I got called back to the embassy very early and I probably won't be back until the weekend. I stocked the fridge with food that should last you a month just in case the job goes longer. I'll be too busy to take any calls so stick my photo to the dummy-parent and talk to that if cabin fever sets in. Maybe your dad will return with those cigarettes he went out to buy ten years ago and he can keep you company. Who knows? Love you to bits, my angel, bye!" The message ended with a beep that echoed through the cavernous abandoned halls. No one to hear it except one neglected lonely girl.
Well, maybe not that lonely.
"Woohooo! Another month without parental supervision!" Lila whooped. "I love having no adults around! Time to fuck this city up!"
Lila turned on some hard-rock party music and proceeded to turn the apartment into a mosh pit, smashing furniture left and right to smithereens. Once her home had effectively become a war zone, Lila grabbed her school bag and headed out.
"You made this mess," she lied to a potted plant and they believed her.
Outside:
Lila pranced down the street, free as a bird. "Morning!" she pleasantly said to a nearby street vendor before clearly taking their jar of tips. "She stole your money," she lied, pointing to a completely innocent mime. The street vendor started to beat the crap out of the mime.
Lila chuckled and tapped the shoulder of a garbage collector. "Hi there, did you ever notice how the sky is purple?" she lied again.
The garbage collector craned his head back. "Huh. Well, what do you know? It is purple. I always thought it was blue."
"I'm first in line," Lila lied, cutting in front of over twenty people at a café. "I also eat for free, the manager said so," she lied once more to the cashier.
"I am the manager," the cashier replied with a stern straight face.
Lila's smile dropped.
The cashier laughed. "Sorry, our free food deal must've slipped my mind, girl I've never met." The cashier happily handed her a free coffee and croissant. "Have a nice day."
She took her on-the-house meal and skipped outside. It was another good day for Lila Rossi.
"S'up, Lila."
Nino's voice behind her made the girl freeze. She did her best to put away her sly grin and quickly began to shed tears. "Oh, Nino, it's terrible! Awful! My mom wants me to go with her to this super exclusive Save The Whales embassy function. She says I'm the only one who can rescue the species from extinction, but I am just so swamped with catching up on my schoolwork after defending the world for a semester. I'm just going to have to tell her no, the whales will just have to die."
"That's a bummer, dude," Nino nodded sympathetically. "But, hey, I could totally help you catch up, no problemo. I'm great at study seshes! I'm actually thinking about becoming a professional tutor."
"No, you're not," Lila lied through gritted teeth.
"I'm not?"
"Nope, you're terrible at studying, the worst in France, and you're never going to pursue a career in education."
"As you command, Lila the Glorious," Nino replied, prostrating himself at her feet.
"You know who could help me? Adrien!" Lila said as if this wasn't her plan the entire time. "You should ask him for me and make it sound like it was his idea."
"It shall be done! All hail Lila! Praise be to Lila!" And her footsoldier set off to complete his task.
Later:
Classes were over and the students were heading home. Lila took extra-long to pack her bag and made herself look extra pathetic. "Oh woe is me," she whined and collapsed on her desk. "I have but one day to cram all this learning. Whatever shall I do?"
"Hey, Lila," Adrien said, taking the bait. "Nino told me about your problem. I can still help you study if you want."
"Really? You are a lifesaver, Adrien! Thank you so much!"
"Of course! And while we're studying, I can get you to stop lying so much with the power of friendship!"
"You definitely will," Lila lied.
Nearby, Alya was just about to leave the room when she noticed Marinette was no longer next to her. She glanced up the aisle of desks and saw the bluenette crawling towards Lila.
"Damn that booty look fine," Alya purred and followed her.
Marinette tightened her grip on the shoelaces she'd tied into a garrote wire and readied herself for the strike.
"What'cha doing?" Alya asked.
Marinette jumped and accidentally ripped her murder weapon in half. "I wasn't going to kill her!"
"Hahah! Relax, Marinette," Alya consoled. "You've got nothing to worry about. Nino told me that our Lord and Saviour Lila definitely doesn't have the hots for Adrien."
"Do you hear yourself?" Marinette whisper-shouted back. "You are all worshipping Lila like she's your queen or your god! How is this not worrying you?!"
"I don't need to worry anymore. Lila, She who is Wise and most Honest, will tell me if I must worry," Alya droned back like a zombie.
"What is happening to you?!"
A few seats away, Lila was sealing the deal. "My building just burned down and is infested with werewolves. Let's study at your place. In your bedroom. On your bed."
"Mmmph, my Father would never allow that," Adrien replied. "He kidnaps and interrogates the mailman twice a week, he's not going to let a complete stranger into his home."
"He will after I talk to him." Lila grinned and dragged Adrien out of the classroom. Marinette was hot on their tail.
Outside:
Marinette and Alya watched from the school gate as Ape-Man stopped Lila from getting in the Agreste limo.
"Ha!" Marinette cackled. "There's no way Adrien's bodyguard will let her—WHAT THE FUCK!?"
Ape-Man not only opened the car door for Lila but carried her to her seat and gave her a mani-pedi while he was at it.
"How is she doing this?!" Marinette demanded.
"You worry too much, Marinette," Alya droned on. "You don't need to worry anymore. Lila, She Who Knows and Tells All, does the worrying for us now. You should try it."
"Alya, please, snap out of it! I seriously need invasive blogger Alya right now. I need you!"
"Does Lila say you need me?"
"GAAAH!" Without any more options, Marinette took a deep breath and smooshed her face between Alya's boobs. After a good motorboating, she pulled back and looked desperately at Alya.
"That was nice," Alya said blankly. "Praise be to Lila."
Marinette stepped back in horror from the shell of her former friend. She was on her own. The girl dashed down the street in pursuit of the Agreste limo. She grabbed Juleka's bike and rode away with it. "Lila says I need this!" she shouted.
"Okay. Praise be to Lila," Juleka sighed.
Marinette pedaled as hard she could to keep the limo within her sights. As they sped along, Tikki popped out. "So, I've been part of several cults in my time, was even the god of a few, but I have never seen this level of blind worship," she said.
"I know!" Marinette wailed. "Just imagine what will happen if Lila indoctrinates Adrien's dad!"
The limo pulled into the Agreste grounds and, with the grace of a three-legged drunk horse, Marinette crashed into the wrought iron gates. She watched as Lila and Adrien ascended the front steps towards Nathalie, who was much paler and thinner than Marinette remembered.
"Hello, Nathalie," Adrien greeted. "You're looking a little under the weather today."
"Just a case of knock-knock joke migraines," the assistant dizzily groaned back and, without wanting to, asked, "Knock knock?"
"Um… who's there?" Adrien replied.
Nathalie noticed Lila for the first time and her eyes shot open. "Intruder!"
Steel bars sprouted from the ground, caging Lila. Dozens of radioactive mimes leaped from the bushes and aimed their invisible laser rifles at the girl. Toothless landed on the mansion's roof and belched electric-fire at her.
"Actually, I'm not an intruder," Lila lied.
Nathalie raised a hand. The mimes and Toothless lowered their weapons. "You're not?" she asked.
"I'm actually here to study with Adrien so I can catch up on all my schoolwork."
"I couldn't give less of a fuck about your grades." Nathalie lowered her hand and all the weapons re-aimed at Lila.
"AH! UH! DID I SAY MY GRADES? I MEANT ADRIEN'S GRADES! THEY'RE SLIPPING! HORRIBLY! HE'S DUMB! VERY DUMB! AND HE NEEDS ALL THE HELP HE CAN GET!"
Nathalie considered Adrien. The boy stood there, smiling like an idiot.
"Very well," she finally said and signaled the security to return to their posts. "You may enter and help Adrien with his studies. But only for 30 minutes, understood?"
"30? He'll barely last 2," Lila replied with a sultry smirk.
"What was that?"
"I said, thank you! Come on, Adrien!" Lila dragged the boy inside.
"HOW THE FUCK?!" Marinette roared. Her breathing became rabid, her claws sprouted, her eyes flashed red and blue. The Beast snarled like a lion and dug its sharp nails into the stone wall. It began to scale the five-story obstacle with ease. But then it felt something in its pocket. Curious, The Beast reached inside and pulled out Adrien's lucky charm. The moment it saw the birthday gift, The Beast felt Adrien at its side and calm washed over its erratic heart.
"What the—?" Marinette blinked her perfectly normal eyes and looked around. She suddenly noticed she was pretty high up in the air. "GAAAAH!" she screamed.
Inside:
Lila sprinted into Adrien's room. "Aha! And here we finally are..." Lila grinned at her conquest. She'd almost succeeded. The victory was nearly hers. Then her sights fell on Adrien's massive collection of Ladybug body pillows.
"Oh!"
The thousands of Ladybug action figures.
"Oh."
And the newly installed wallpaper and the life-sized portrait of Chat Noir and Ladybug kissing.
"Oh..." The corner of Lila's sly grin twitched. "You're still into Ladybug, huh?"
"Yeah, she's so amazing," Adrien said dreamily.
"You have great taste," Lila lied.
Outside:
"GAAAAAAH!" Marinette continued to scream, still high up on the wall like a cat stuck in a tree. "Somebody help me!"
There was a screech of tires behind her. Marinette twisted her head around and saw a cobra-themed firetruck.
"What's going on here?" Fire Chief Cobra Commander asked. "How did you get up there, little lady? COBRA!"
"I don't know!" Marinette cried. "I was chasing this evil lying bitch and then I woke up like this! Get me down! My left hand is stuck!"
"Hold on, I'll get the ladder. COBRA!"
Inside:
"Wow, so this is your bed?" Lila asked, slowly stretching herself onto the euro-embroidered quilt. She made extra sure to show off the goods and faced the boy in her best come-hither pose. "It's so soft and comfy, Adrien. Why don't you show me the best way to relax?" Lila discreetly got her camera ready and waited for the boy to join her.
"That bed is way too comfortable, Lila," Adrien said, opening his textbooks at his desk. "You'll never get any studying done there."
"I know," Lila said huskily as she slowly unbuttoned her blouse. "That's the point. Get it?"
Adrien stared at her exposed lacey purple bra with a perplexed look. "Oh! Is it too hot in here for you? Don't worry, I'll adjust the air conditioner."
Lila laid there, half-naked, and watched Adrien fiddle with the thermostat. A blast of frigid air made her shiver violently and button herself back up.
"Better?" Adrien asked.
"Much. Thank you," Lila lied and came to the conclusion that Adrien wouldn't do what she wanted even if she stripped everything and bent over. This would require a more subtle hand. She marched to the desk and opened her textbook.
Later, outside:
"—and it's like no matter how crazy the lie is everybody just believes her!" Marinette complained, tears streaming down her face.
"She's really that scheming?" Fire Chief Cobra Commander asked as he continued to chisel Marinette's hand out of the wall. "You really care about this boy, don't you? COBRA!"
Marinette sniffled and nodded.
Fire Chief Cobra Commander sighed heavily. "Look, kid, I'm not saying this lying girl doesn't sound like bad news, but you're taking this crush thing too far. Love is great, don't get me wrong, but it's not like you're predestined to spend the rest of your life with the first person you have feelings for. That's Disney crap! You can love anyone. Someone who isn't constantly involved with terrible people. Someone who doesn't put you through all this stress. Someone who doesn't get you stuck in a wall when you're trying to save them. What I'm trying to say is maybe you should rethink this and ask yourself, 'Am I happy?'"
Marinette stared at the Fire Chief for a long time. In the back of her mind, a particular blue-haired guitarist appeared. And in a deep, deep dark corner that thought it vaguely remembered something about a tiger-raptor appeared a blonde boy in black leather.
"Fuck you!" she spat and headbutted Fire Chief Cobra Commander off the ladder.
"COBRA!" he squealed on the way down.
Marinette nabbed the chisel with her free hand before it fell too and resumed carving her escape.
Much later, inside:
Nathalie poked her head into the room and, after spitting into her blood bucket, announced that the 30 minutes were up. It was time for Lila to go home.
"Oh no, that flew by so fast," Lila whined. "We should take a selfie together to remember how fun this was, Adrien."
"Sure, Lila," he readily agreed.
Lila's sly grin returned. She raised her camera. "Okay, now get in close. Take off your shirt and I'll straddle your lap. There we go. Lemme just smear some of my lipstick on your cheeks and some rouge on your neck and collarbone to look like hickies."
"Hickies?"
"Yeah, everyone's putting hickies in their selfies these days, Adrien. All done. Now you put your hand here."
"Um, Lila, that's your butt. Are you sure this is how friends take selfies?"
"Y'up, keep your hand right there. No, no, the buttcheek that's in the frame. Perfect! Give it a firm squeeze and hold it. Harder. Good. Final step, Adrien, make a really happy face."
"Like this?" Adrien smiled at the camera.
"Close. Try tilting your head back, hanging your tongue out the side of your mouth, and rolling your eyes into the back of your head."
"Ooh, you mean an ahegao face? Mother taught me how to do that." Adrien obliged and pulled a face that would've made Pornhub blush.
"Wow, you are an expert at this modeling thing. Oops! I almost forgot!" Lila uncapped a permanent marker and wrote Property of Lila Rossi on Adrien's rock-hard abs and drew an arrow pointing to his crotch. She pressed herself against the boy and aimed her camera. "Here we go. On three say, 'That was the best sex of my life!' One, two, three!"
Outside:
Marinette reached the top of the wall, her stone-encased fist pounded her chest in triumph.
Bzzt.
She checked her phone and saw... the photo...
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed and fell backward off the wall.
Meanwhile at the park:
Kagami was practicing her kendo sword fighting when her phone rumbled. She saw there was a text waiting for her.
"Oh, you fighting your phone now?" her mom mockingly asked from the park bench. "Must be nice being able to read text messages with eyes that actually work."
"Apologies, okaa-san, I will read it after practice."
"You don't get off that easy, Kagami. You know the rules. You want to read that text..." Mrs. Tsurugi rose to her feet and with one swipe of her white cane sliced the park bench in half. "...You have to win the right."
"Hai." Kagami raised her sword and charged.
Meanwhile, in the cathedral:
"Oh, you would be so proud of Adrien, Emi-poo," Gabriel said to his wife's glass coffin. "He's grown into such a responsible young man. I used to think I needed to protect him from the world but he's shown me that he's very mature for his age and can handle himself."
Emilie continued being a corpse.
"Yes, yes, you're right. I'm ashamed to admit it but, for a while there, I thought Adrien was so naive and innocent that he was going to be tricked into working in porn like you. Silly me. Heheheh."
Bzzt.
"Why do I keep getting texts from teenage girls?" he mumbled.
He opened the message.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA—!"
Upstairs:
Lila smugly headed for the mansion's front door. The mass text she had just sent had no doubt cemented her social status. Mission accomplished.
Lila paused.
In the distance, she heard a faint scream. It, along with the pounding of footsteps, was growing stronger.
"—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
The door nearest to her detonated into splinters! When the dust settled, she saw in the door's place stood Gabriel Agreste.
He wasn't happy.
"You…" he seethed at the girl with more hatred than Lila thought humanly possible. "You have a ten-second head start."
Lila blinked. "...Wha?"
"Nine… Eight… Seven..."
Lila booked it out of there.
"SixFiveFourThreeTwoOne! Nathalie, unleash everything."
His assistant gulped at her desk. "E-Everything, sir?"
"EVERYTHING!"
"Yeah!" shouted Duusu. "That's what I'm talking about, Gabe! WOO! LET'S PARTY!"
Nathalie nervously reached under her chair and pressed the big red button labeled The Whole Enchilada!
Outside:
Air raid sirens rang out. Alarm bells clanged. The grinding and whirring of mechanical monstrosities coming to life echoed behind Lila. She had no clue what was about to come after her and she was too terrified to find out. She only knew two things for certain.
She had made a terrible mistake and she needed to run.
Lila scrambled past the pile of trash bags Marinette was currently buried in. The bluenette burst from her nest and glared daggers at her target, the slut who had stolen her Adrien's purity, She-Who-Must-Die! A guttural growl rumbled from her throat.
"Tikki..."
The kwami shrugged. "I don't care. Go for it."
"Tikki, spots on!"
In Gabriel's office:
"Robo-lizard-ninjas en route, sir," Nathalie reported, nearing the end of the long list of their arsenal. "Carl the Living Tornado and the army of mutated sewer mega-rats have been let out of their cages, and we've officially hired the Predator. That's everything we've got."
Gabriel glowered out the window at his army. "No," he said. "Not everything." He headed for the mini-elevator.
Meanwhile, at the park:
Over half of the trees had been cut down. At the center of the destruction, Kagami laid under a painful pile of logs.
"Better," her mom scoffed. "But you still have a long way to go before you reach Super-Kawaii-Desu-Saiyan-3. You may answer your phone, Kagami." Mrs. Tsurugi powered down and turned to walk away like a badass but tripped on a rock.
Kagami extracted herself from the wood and, at last, opened the text.
What she saw enraged her.
Meanwhile:
A great spiral window opened, illuminating the haunting silhouette of a crying dad.
"My boy! My perfect boy!" Hawkmoth wept at the sky. "I will avenge you!" He filled one of his butterflies with darkness and sent it off.
The dark messenger fluttered across Paris until it found the smokey remains of the park. The other half of the park that had survived the mother-daughter duel was now obliterated and the once green grass had been burnt black. Mrs. Tsurugi lounged on a nearby boulder.
"Kagami, you feel that?" she asked. "Is it just me or is this park more breezy?"
Kagami didn't respond. She stared at the destruction she'd caused with stone-cold silence. The girl chucked away the splintery remains of her kendo sword and pulled from her pocket a photo album. She flipped through the pages of her memories with Adrien. Her and Adrien in the emergency room after their bloody first duel as friends. Her and Adrien performing the traditional friend ritual of 'going to the movies.' Her and Adrien outside the tattoo parlor behind Buckingham Palace. Queen Elizabeth had been kind enough to take their photo that night. And on the final page, she found a carefully preserved rose. The same rose Adrien had given her all those weeks ago. The rose she had received from her first true friend.
The rose she'd received from her first… true… lo—
The black butterfly shattered on the flower. A pair of neon-pink butterfly-themed sunglasses appeared on her face and she saw the visage of a silver-masked man.
"No more Mr. Nice Hawkmoth," Hawkmoth snarled. "Oni-Chan, track this Lila Rossi down and make sure never goes near Adrien Agreste ever again!"
"I will bring you her head on a silver platter, Hawkmoth."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up there, Kill Bill! On a silver platter?" Hawkmoth sputtered, aghast. "What? Are you crazy? No, don't kill her! She's a kid! Just, you know, scare her until she promises to leave Adrien alone. Jeez, did I really sound like I wanted Lila dead?"
Kagami said nothing.
Hawkmoth went pale. "Uh oh." He flipped open the head of his majestic cane and dialed. "Nathalie, did you send everything we had to kill Lila?"
He pressed the cane to his ear and listened.
"No, Nathalie, it was not implied!"
As Hawkmoth played damage control, Kagami was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed into a demonic swordsman with a rhino horn on her forehead!
Later, at Adrien's room:
Adrien was having a hard time scrubbing off the Property of Lila Rossi message when an intruder vaulted through the window.
"Friend Adrien! I am Oni-Chan!" the villain proclaimed. "And I—" She saw his Adrigami tattoo and then she saw what he was doing to his very distracting and very soapy bod. Oni-Chan now understood what the Westerners meant by "Washboard Abs."
"Hello, Oni-Chan," Adrien said innocently.
Keeping her gaze on the ceiling, Oni-Chan forced the boy to put his shirt back and pushed him onto his bed.
"What are we going to do on the bed, Oni-Chan?" he asked.
"You are going to stay here, Friend Adrien, while I hunt down Lila and make sure she never harms you again." The Akuma held up her phone and showed him... the photo...
"Harm me? That's just a selfie. Nobody got hurt."
Oni-Chan ran her rose-thorn-covered sword through his mattress. "I GOT HURT!" With a homicidal roar, she dove out the window.
Adrien gawked at the destruction she'd caused. "Plagg, did I do something wrong?"
"I know the signs, man," Plagg said with great wisdom. "These are the beginning stages of a superpowered catfight between all the chicks who are into you."
"Into me? But I'm not dating anyone! I don't have a girlfriend!" Adrien argued.
"You think reality matters to teenage girls? Not even a little, man. There will be blood."
"We have to stop this. Plagg, claws out!" In a blast of black, he transformed into Chat Noir and chased after Oni-Chan.
Many blocks away:
Lila ducked into an alleyway and held her breath as the robo-lizard-ninjas scurried past. She'd barely managed to avoid the giant cyborg moth and the flock of mace-wielding hawkmen. Nowhere was safe, she had no place to hide.
"Lila..." something whispered from the deeper recesses of the alley. Lila glanced at the voice and prayed it was friendly. From the shadows stepped…
"Ladybug?" Lila scoffed in disgust. "I don't need you to save me."
"Wasn't planning to." Ladybug slid open her yo-yo and showed... the photo...
"...Fuck."
Lila ran into the street. Toothless immediately spotted her and belched electric-fire at the girl. Lila pumped her legs as hard as she could and barely stayed ahead of the attack. Then she made the mistake of looking over her shoulder. Surfing on the waves of crackling plasma was Ladybug, a polka-dotted harbinger of death.
"AAAH!" Lila screamed. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's not my fault! I can't help it! I don't know how it works, but people believe anything I say. Watch." She called down the street to Jagged Stone, "Hey, you're bald!"
Jagged Stone gasped in horror and ran his hand through his still present locks. "No! Me mane! Me gorgeous mane! I'm hideous!"
Ladybug cracked her knuckles and dove at the dead girl.
WHAM!
Oni-Chan rammed against Ladybug and tackled her to the sidewalk. The two grabbed each other's throats.
"Stay out of my way, Ladybug! Lila is mine!"
"No, she's mine!"
Both stopped.
"Wait, you want to kill her too?" Ladybug asked eagerly.
"Uh… no, I only want her to promise to leave Adrien alone."
Ladybug glared at the Akuma. "Wimp! Stay out of my way!"
Back in the hidden tower:
Hawkmoth massaged his head. "I never thought I'd say this. Oni-Chan, protect Lila from Ladybug at all costs. She loves Adrien and will tear her to shreds."
Nathalie whispered something into his ear.
"What do you mean you can't recall any of the security measures? How is that possible?!"
Duusu whistled innocently in the corner.
Back in the fight:
Chat Noir arrived. "M'Lady, I'm here! Are you ready to defeat the Akuma and save Lila?"
"Not exactly." Ladybug chucked Oni-Chan at him and charged after Lila. "COME BACK HERE, YOU COCKSUCKING WHORE!"
Later, in another park:
Lila, out of breath and sweaty, leaned against a tree to recover. "I… I think I got away," she said to herself.
SMAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!
The building on the far side of the park collapsed and out of the rubble stepped... Ladybug!
"AAAAH!" Lila dropped the ground and crawled backward as the "hero" stomped toward her. "Please! Stop! Just let me go! I'll never go near Adrien again!"
"It's too late for that," Ladybug said and raised a fist.
"Bugaboo!" Chat Noir landed between them. "Take it easy! You need to calm down!"
"I am calm," Ladybug said with the disturbing calm he'd witnessed when she'd hunted his Father.
"Oh boy..." Chat Noir drew his battle staff and readied to defend himself.
While this was going on, Lila got up and bolted for the street. She immediately ran into Oni-Chan. The villain raised her weapon, aimed for Lila's skull, and gently tapped her forehead. A glowing red dot appeared on the girl's skin.
"Done," the Akuma said, rather proud of herself.
Lila waited to die.
She didn't.
"Do you promise to never go near Friend Adrien again?" Oni-Chan asked in what was a very non-threatening manner.
Unsure what the villain's plan was, Lila got the hell out of there.
Later:
Lila spotted a police car approaching and waved frantically. "Officer! Help! Help me!"
Officer Roger stopped the car and rolled down the window. "What's the problem here?"
"I have no idea why but there's an Akuma and this army of monsters after me! You have to protect—"
Somebody tapped Lila's shoulder. Trembling like a leaf, she turned and found the motherfucking Predator!
"Eep!"
The alien hunter checked its space-phone and asked in its clicky, garbled, computerized voice, "Lila Rossi?"
"Um… no?"
"Okay, sorry for bothering you." And the Predator leaped away.
"Officer Roger, you have to protect me!" Lila screamed.
"Get in. I can keep you safe down at the precinct." Lila climbed aboard and Roger peeled off. "So, you wanna stop by the hardware store and grab a saw for that horn of yours?" he eventually asked.
"Horn? What horn?" Lila looked in the rearview mirror and screeched. A sharp red horn was growing out of her forehead, right where Oni-Chan had poked her.
It started to glow.
Back in the fight:
"M'Lady, please, let's just talk this out!" Chat Noir implored as he battered back Ladybug's yo-yo.
"There's nothing to talk about!" Ladybug roared. "Lila stole Adrien from me! She must die!"
"I agree," Oni-Chan called out from the sidelines while drinking some relaxing jasmine tea.
"Stole him from you?" Chat Noir asked as he tangled the yo-yo string in his spinning staff. "You talking about that selfie? I don't get it. What part of that pic says he's taken?"
Ladybug pushed him to the ground and slid open her yo-yo. "Use your eyes, dumbass!" She shoved in his face... the photo...
Chat Noir peered carefully at it.
"The lighting?" he guessed.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
As Ladybug bellowed, Oni-Chan's horn glowed and she was replaced in a flash of red with… Officer Roger!
"—and that's the secret to making perfect lemonade—Huh?!" Officer Roger stood up from his squatting-driving position. "How did I get here? Where's my car? Was I drugged? Where's the girl with a horn on her head who was running from the supervillain?"
Ladybug slapped the man and demanded, "Where were you driving?"
A few blocks away:
Lila sat in silent fear. Oni-Chan had somehow replaced Officer Roger in the driver's seat and she was doing nothing but smiling at her in the mirror.
"Do you promise to never go near Friend Adrien again?" the villain asked pleasantly.
Lila dove out of the car and resumed running for her life.
Oni-Chan turned on the radio and listened to some K-pop.
Moments later, Ladybug and Chat Noir arrived. Ladybug ripped open the backdoor. "Where is she?! She's not here!"
"Good." Chat Noir shoved Ladybug into the car and began boarding up the vehicle with the heaviest things he could find. "You two stay in there until you cool off. M'Lady, while you're settling down, how about you de-evilize the Akuma and stuff?"
"Not until Lila dies!" Ladybug shouted, punching a fist through the bulletproof glass.
A few more blocks away:
Lila burst into the Dupain-Cheng Patisserie. "HELP!" she begged. "I'm being chased by monsters and Ladybug!"
"Oh my!" Sabine Cheng said at the register. "That sounds awf—" Immediately, Lila's horn glowed and Sabine's phone rumbled. "Sorry, have to take this."
"NO!"
Too late.
In a flash of red, Sabine was replaced with Oni-Chan.
"Do you promise to never go near Friend Adrien again?" the Akuma asked.
Back with the heroes:
Ladybug frowned at the sight of her mom in the driver's seat and kicked her way through Chat Noir's meager barriers. She headed for the bakery. Chat Noir was close behind.
"LB, if you have problems with this photo, maybe you should talk to the guy in it," he suggested.
"Screw that! No talkie! More punchie!"
Ladybug spotted Lila speeding out of the bakery and she aimed her yo-yo at her stupid glowing horn.
Bzzt. Bzzt.
Ladybug glared at her rumbling yo-yo. "I swear, if this is another pic of Adrien and Lila..." She slid it open and saw an odd glitchy graphic of a thorny rose. There was a flash of light and Ladybug suddenly found herself inside the bakery!
"L-Ladybug!" her dad stuttered, a katana-shaped baguette raised over his head for a strike. He hid the weapons behind his back. "Thank Astruc you're here. My wife vanished and then this villain invaded and now you're here. I wasn't doing anything illegal!"
Ladybug ignored him and looked out the window where she saw Chat Noir carrying Lila away. Oni-Chan watched them run from the spot where she'd been a second ago. The weird rose text message… Lila's glowing horn… Oni-Chan's teleporting… Ladybug put it all together in her head.
"Oh… it's the phones."
Outside:
"We should talk about this pic that's got everyone riled up," Chat Noir said as he carried Lila deeper into the city.
"Pic? What pic? I don't know what you're talking about," Lila claimed. Her horn fizzled and grew slightly bigger.
"I seriously don't get what the problem is," Chat Noir continued. "I've done—I mean, Adrien has done plenty of shoots with his shirt off. Why is this one making everybody show their claws?"
Bzzt. Bzzt.
Before Lila could stop him, Chat Noir answered his rumbling staff and there was a flash of light! She was now in the arms of Oni-Chan!
"Do you promise to never go near Friend Adrien again?" the villain asked.
Lila cowered and waited to be struck down by her thorny weapon, but the Akuma only patiently held her and waited.
"Uh..." Lila cleared her throat. "Yes, I promise…?"
Her horn fizzled and grew a little.
"Liar," Oni-Chan scowled. "You have to mean it."
"Ugh!" Lila grumbled and climbed out of the Akuma's arms. "You want the truth? Fine, here it is! I don't love Adrien! Never have! Yeah, he's hot, whoopity-fucking-doo! He's also a neanderthal with the social skills of a toddler who has all the money in the world but spends every cent trying to solve the problems of the dumbasses in this city! Why? Because he cares! It makes me wanna puke! I only stomach his sickening sweetness because he's rich, powerful, and once I have him wrapped around my finger he will get me anything and everything I could ever want!"
Oni-Chan gaped.
Hawkmoth gawked.
Lila's horn fizzled and shrank a little. Her sly grin returned.
"But you know what would convince me to leave Adrien alone forever?" She leaned forward and whispered evilly into Oni-Chan's ear, "If you get rid of Ladybug for me, I'll never go near Adrien again."
Once more, Lila's horn shrank a little.
Behind Lila, Ladybug landed. Oni-Chan brandished her blade. "Well, if that's the only way," she said and charged at the hero.
Hawkmoth was still gawking. "Did she… Did she just manipulate an Akuma that was hunting her into hunting Ladybug?"
"Yes, she did," Duusu said from atop his head, smiling a smile that dripped with venom. "I like her."
Oni-Chan swiped and stabbed at Ladybug like a freak. The heroine barely avoided becoming swiss cheese thanks to her spinning shield.
Chat Noir landed nearby. "Oh! We're finally fighting the same opponent? Great! Here I come, LB—"
"Ow! My leg!" Lila cried in horrible pain. She clutched her ankle and rolled around. "It hurts! It's twisted! Sprained! Broken! Compound fracture! I can see the bone poking out! I'll never walk again!"
Her horn grew a lot!
"I'm coming, Lila. Hold Oni-Chan off, M'Lady, until I get Lila help. Medical emergency."
"SHE'S LYING!" Ladybug roared before she was hurled against a van.
"Pfft? What? No, why would she lie?" Chat Noir chuckled and carried Lila over several rooftops.
"Idiot! Fine, I'll do this on my own!" Ladybug shouted after him. "Lucky Charm!" She tossed up her yo-yo and down came a polka-dotted hose!
The hose landed in Oni-Chan's hands.
"...Dammit," Ladybug said seconds before she was lassoed.
Later, a few streets away:
"What do you mean her leg is fine?" Chat Noir asked.
"I mean, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her," Fire Chief Cobra Commander said, after checking Lila's ankle again. "COBRA!"
Chat Noir raised a suspicious brow at the girl. "Lila, did you lie to me?"
"I want a second opinion," Lila quickly said.
"Doctor Doctorperson here! I'll handle this!" Dr. Doctorperson shoved her way in, pressed her stethoscope to Lila's big toe, and listened. "Hmmmmmm… Y'up, just as I feared. Frostbite. We'll have to amputate." Dr. Doctorperson pulled out her bone saw. "Hold her down."
"NO!" Lila sprung to her feet. Everybody stared at her miraculous recovery. "Uh… Oh my gosh, doctor, you've cured me!"
"All in a day's work. Doctor Doctorperson away!" And Dr. Doctorperson bounded off in search of her next patient.
Chat Noir frowned. "You did lie to me."
"What? Lie? I didn't lie to get you to leave Ladybug alone with a murderous slasher. Don't be silly, Chat Noir." Lila's horn fizzled and grew a little.
"You lied to Adrien too, didn't you?" he j'accused. "You tricked me—uh, I mean, him into that pic!"
"'Tricked' implies Adrien is intelligent," Lila sassed.
Meanwhile:
"What is this hose made of? Diamonds?" Ladybug said as she struggled to break her binds. She was tied to a lamppost with her own Lucky Charm. No matter how much wrestled, the hose wouldn't break.
"Game over, Ladybug," Oni-Chan cackled and reached for her defenseless earrings.
"Hands off, bitch!" Ladybug retorted and double-kicked the Akuma back. "Ha! Didn't think about my legs, did you? You come any closer and I'll kick your ass!"
Oni-Chan thought about this for about half a second and simply walked around the lamppost to behind Ladybug.
"FUCK!" Ladybug screamed, trying and failing to kick the villain behind her. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!" She wrenched her upper body to and fro, just barely keeping out of Oni-Chan's reach. "Need… to call… Chat Noir… for… backup," she grunted. Ladybug slid open her yo-yo, but with her arms tied and the need to constantly dodge the Akuma, she had to use muscle memory to find the phone app and hit the right contact. After a few seconds, she heard the line ring.
At Fu's Massage Parlor:
Wayzz was playing with a paddle ball when his entire body began to rumble.
Bzzt. Bzzt.
"Um… Master Fu, I think Marinette is calling."
"Tell her me not here!" Fu shouted back from the bathroom.
Wayzz shrugged and denied the call.
Back with Ladybug:
"Call failed," said her yo-yo.
"Dammit!" Ladybug dialed again.
In the Unknown:
Sass was playing with a paddle ball when his entire body began to rumble.
Bzzt. Bzzt.
"What the hell isss going on?" he asked. The snake kwami grabbed his belly in an attempt to stop the shaking but ended up answering the call instead.
"Chat Noir!" he heard a female human's voice shout.
"Who'sss there? What isss the meaning of thisss? How are you ssspeaking to me, human filth?"
"Oops, sorry, wrong number."
Back with Ladybug:
"Third time's the charm, right?" She hung up and dialed again.
In the hidden tower:
"Yes, yes!" Hawkmoth jeered. "Take her Miraculous, Oni-Chan! It will only be a matter of time! Oh, how I wish I had a paddle ball right about now! That would make this moment perfect!"
Bzzzt. Bzzzt.
Hawkmoth flipped open the head of his majestic cane. "Ahoy-hoy, you've reached Hawkmoth's secret lair. Hawkmoth speaking," he said.
Back with Ladybug:
The heroine stared at her yo-yo. "I have your number too?!"
Oni-Chan grabbed Ladybug's ears.
"No!" she screeched.
Ladybug's flailing legs stomped the sidewalk. Amazingly, the concrete was not as strong as a rubber hose and Ladybug's superpowered legs launched her, Oni-Chan, and the lamppost into the air!
Back with Team B:
"What you did was terrible, Lila," Chat Noir admonished. "You put another person in danger for your own selfish gain. You should be ashamed of yourself. I'm beginning to think that you're not taking the power of friendship seriously."
"You're just realizing this now?" Lila sassed back. "Yeesh, you're as clueless as Adrien."
Chat Noir glared at the girl and for the first time saw right through her.
"Incoming!" Ladybug's voice echoed from above.
CRASH!
The lamppost speared into the street light-first. Oni-Chan tumbled to the ground while Ladybug hung in the air, upside-down. The Akuma quickly recovered and aimed her sword at Chat Noir.
"Ready for the duel of a lifetime, cat?" she sneered.
"No."
There was a pause.
Oni-Chan, Ladybug, Lila, and even Fire Chief Cobra Commander stared at Chat Noir's stern, unamused grimace. It was the polar opposite of his usual perpetual boyish smirk.
"Uh..." Oni-Chan shuffled her feet uncomfortably. "Did you need a break or—"
"I'm not fighting you," he said. "Or you, LB." Chat Noir jumped up to Ladybug and Cataclysmed the hose. He brought her down to the street and continued, "I'm not defending Lila anymore. Do what you want with her."
He marched to the nearest bus bench and sat down.
Ladybug didn't need to be told twice. She smacked Oni-Chan into the side of a building and stalked toward her vulnerable prey, cracking her knuckles one by one.
Lila started to sweat. "Hey, come on, Chat Noir, you're not serious, are you? She's literally gonna kill me! You're really going to stand there and do nothing?"
Chat Noir extended his staff to block Fire Chief Cobra Commander from interfering. The army of robo-lizard-ninjas appeared in a puff of smoke behind Ladybug. "We get second dibs," proclaimed the lead ninja.
Ladybug got closer.
Lila started to panic. "Haha! Very funny, Chat Noir! You got me! C'mon! Rescue me! I've learned my lesson!"
Her horn fizzled and grew a little.
The silent army of radioactive mimes hopped out of some bushes and raised three fingers for third dibs. The flying hawkmen landed on a rooftop and claimed fourth dibs. Toothless fluttered over them all, perfectly content with whatever was leftover.
Chat Noir didn't move.
Ladybug got closer.
Lila started to scream. "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, HUH?! AN APOLOGY?!"
At last, Chat Noir opened his mouth. "Tell the truth," he said.
Lila's eyes widened.
Ladybug grabbed her collar and lifted her off her feet. A polka-dotted fist cocked back.
"It's fake! I never banged Adrien!" Lila shouted at the top of her lungs. Her horn fizzled and shrank a little. "I tried to get Adrien in bed with me but he wouldn't do it!" Lila continued and her horn shrank further. "So I tricked him and made it look we just had sex but we haven't even kissed! Please don't hurt me!" Her horn shrank until it was nothing but a pimple.
"Banged?" Chat Noir slid open his staff and re-examined... the photo... "Ooooh, now I see it."
Ladybug put Lila down. "My Astruc," she said. "You're pathetic."
"I agree," Oni-Chan said, returning from the crumbled building, and handed Ladybug her sword.
The heroine snapped the blade in half, de-evilized the butterfly, and cast Miraculous Ladybug.
The park regrew around Mrs. Tsurugi.
The trail of destruction in Lila's wake was repaired.
All of the Agreste security measures were returned to the mansion.
And as Oni-Chan was transformed back into Kagami, Chat Noir saw her sword transform into a familiar rose. He picked it up, astonished that Kagami had kept the flower for so long. Its presence and its meaning behind Kagami's akumatization stirred something within the boy's heart, no magical ice cream roots necessary.
"He means a lot to you, doesn't he?" he asked, offering Kagami the rose.
"Yes," Kagami replied in her flat monotone. Despite her passionless reply, she cradled the flower to her chest as if it were a precious treasure.
"Wow, she's a poet," Ladybug rolled her eyes at Kagami's outpour of emotion. "Any last cringeworthy puns for me to suffer through, Chat, or can I get the hell out of here?"
"I'll take Kagami home," Chat Noir said absently, already carrying the girl bridal-style, and leaped away.
Ladybug stood where he left her, very confused.
"Why… Why does it feel like I just got stood up?" she asked nobody. "And why do I care?"
The next day, at school:
Classes were over again, and like yesterday Lila was trying to make a move. "Oh Adrien!" she swooned over her desk. "I need somebody to help me with Calculus or I'll never have time to volunteer for the Feed the Paraplegic Orphans rally. Won't you help me help those orphans?"
Lila batted her eyelashes at Adrien. Nearby, Alya turned expectantly to Marinette. The bluenette was surprisingly walking out the door.
"Hey, whoa!" Alya chased after her. "That's it? You're not gonna keep Adrien under surveillance anymore?" Alya gasped with joy. "Have you finally allowed Lila, She Who is Most Caring and Kind, into your heart and are letting her do the worrying for you?"
"I trust Adrien," Marinette replied smugly. "He can handle her lying ass."
"Praise be to Lila!" Alya cheered.
"Praise be to Lila!" the rest of the school, including faculty, chanted in response.
"That's still concerning," Marinette muttered to herself.
Upstairs, Lila had finished her extravagant lie that included time-traveling huns, holographic dinosaurs, and an invisible elf who needed to save Christmas. Adrien stared back at her as one might stare at a cockroach.
"Lila, none of what you said is true," he said and got up to leave.
Lila's smile dropped. "What? No! I-I-I mean, I was kidding! Couldn't you tell I was kidding when I brought up the old haunted house filled with kangaroos?"
"Lila." He walked out of the classroom without sparing her a glance. "Nathalie and Ape-Man got in trouble because of your lies the other day."
"Lies? I didn't lie yesterday. That was all miscommunicati—"
"Lila!"
She shut her mouth.
He smiled. "I'm still your friend, I'll always be there if you need me. But..." Adrien leaned too close and pierced Lila with a seething glare that was eerily identical to Gabriel Agreste's trademark scowl. For a moment, she actually believed she was standing before the man, not his son. "Don't you ever fucking dare hurt the people I love again." His smile returned. "See ya later!"
He pranced away, leaving a very shaken Lila.
"When the hell did he grow a spine? And why the fuck are my lies not working on him?" she whimpered to herself.
Bzzt. Bzzt.
She checked her phone and saw an unlisted number was calling her. She answered.
"Hello?"
"Lila Rossi?" asked a clicky, garbled, computerized voice.
Later, at fencing class:
Adrien and Kagami's swords clashed in a shower of sparks, the aftershock of the impact collapsed another section of the building. Their weapons crumbled to dust from the sheer g-force.
"Tie!" proclaimed Mr. D'Argencourt.
"Great match, Kagami," Adrien commended. He reached out to shake the girl's hand only for both his and Kagami's shoulders to spurt fountains of blood.
"A pox upon you!" D'Argencourt swore as the teens collapsed. "Forsooth! Call-eth an ambulance! They did it again-eth!"
"Friend Adrien," Kagami said while they waited to be rushed to the emergency room, "after the surgery… we should… purchase caffeinated refreshments together… as a pair. Did I say that right?"
Adrien could tell that, even though her face betrayed nothing and her cheeks were pale from blood loss, deep inside Kagami was shyly blushing.
He smiled at her. "I'd love to."
"And afterward we can revisit my mating proposal?"
"Let's… stick to the coffee for now."
Later, at the Agreste Mansion:
"Thank you for, ahem, inviting me, Mr. Agreste," Lila nervously said, glancing repeatedly at the Predator's serrated blades that were inches away from her throat.
"Miss Rossi..." Gabriel said. His imposing figure faced a window with his back to the girl. She could barely make out his cold dead eyes reflected in the glass. "You infiltrated my house under false pretenses, lied to and manipulated my son solely to use his reputation for yourself, and have proven to be nothing short of a textbook sociopath. I have only one thing to say to you..."
The Predator growled and got its spine-ripping arm ready.
Lila gulped and said a prayer.
Gabriel whipped around and threw his arms wide open, "When can you start?"
Lila blinked. "...Wha?"
"I've been searching high and low for a good sidekick," Gabriel went on, now gushing like a fan. "At first I thought I'd have to make do with Chloe. She's got potential but, yikes, she is a powder keg. Mommy problems, explosive anger issues, no thanks. But you, I've had my eyes on you for a while now and you have all the hallmarks of an evil mastermind without any of the emotional pitfalls! You are perfect!"
Lila blinked again. "Okay, what I'm hearing is you're not angry?"
"Nope."
"And you have no problem with me continuing to be a Machiavellian liar around your son?"
"Nope."
"And no problems with me slowly turning people to my side so I can eventually depose you and take all your wealth and power?"
Gabriel lowered his phone. "Hmm? Sorry, checking my texts. What was that last question?"
"Nothing!" Lila's sly grin spread at full force and she shook the sucker's hand. "Mr. Agreste, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
The new partners in crime shared a long sinister laugh, both convinced for very different reasons that this was gonna end very well for them.
"So… no spine-ripping?" the Predator asked.
END
It's just coffee...