So you all agree that Edward should move to Forks, but how will Bella take the news…?

Hereafter
Chapter 22

November 24th, 2018
Bella

I need to go home today.

I suppose I could say I am excited to go, but I'm nervous for the travel and whether or not people will be standing outside my house. Maybe they will listen to what the news report said and give us some space, but I doubt that. These people need money in order to support their families, and targeting me is easy money right now.

At least I will have Edward, Charlie and Luna. They will protect me the most, right?

Yeah - they will protect me.

I had made a list in my head of everything that I needed to do before we left: I had to pack, I had to eat and I had to say goodbye to Esme and Carlisle. Oh, and Nora. I keep forgetting that she can't come with us and that makes me sad. I wish she could join us, but it's not fair for her to be taken from her home all the time, and I know that Esme and Carlisle miss her when she is gone. She needs to stay here and that is okay. I think.

I wore my new outfit from Alice, and thankfully the slippers had the rubber soles which meant that I could walk around comfortably in them. Comfort is one of the biggest and most important things for me right now - there is no way I can relax if I feel constricted in my clothes.

Charlie took me down to the kitchen where Edward was already enjoying his breakfast. He had taken the dogs on their morning walk, and I suppose he was fuelling himself up before the long drive. Charlie then asked if it was okay to leave me here in order for him to get showered and packed. I said it was, because I was with Edward and Esme who would both look after me.

"How are you feeling, dear?" She asked with a gentle smile.

"Fine." I whispered. I wasn't fine, because I didn't want to go home or face the journey back there, but I didn't have the strength to voice that many words.

"Good! I have a fresh pot of oatmeal on the stove if you would like some?" I nodded and Esme was quick to fix me up a bowl. I wish that they lived closer, because then maybe Esme could look after me when Charlie went back to work. I'm not stupid; I knew that he had to return to work at some point. Our savings weren't going to last forever. I dreaded the day, but I knew it was coming.

"Hey, I was wondering if we could have a quick talk?"

I didn't like the way that Edward worded that. His voice was a whisper, and when my first and only boyfriend broke up with me he used those exact words. Nothing good ever came from 'can we have a talk'. I think Edward noticed my sudden fear and he was quick to add: "It's nothing bad, I promise."

"What…" is it?

He cleared his throat with a cough and tapped both hands against the tabletop. For something that 'isn't bad', he certainly seemed anxious to tell me. "Bella, I won't be able to travel back to Forks with you today…"

Oh.

That's not what I had expected him to say.

Why is he not coming with me?

Will he come back at all?

How long has he known about this?

Why keep such a secret from me?

I've probably annoyed him. Maybe he has had enough of babysitting me.

But I thought we were friends? He promised that he would look after me?

I hadn't even noticed Esme placing the bowl in front of me.

Was she playing an act as well? This family is full of actors. They were wonderful at their job.

"Bella?"

No. Don't talk to me. Not just yet.

I need for my head to stop spiralling before I can think straight.

"Please, sweetheart, don't cry."

I was crying? Oh, I guess I was.

"It's honestly not that bad."

Do I have the ability to shout? I want to shout.

Maybe just raise my voice slightly?

"Why?" Was the only word I managed to squeeze from my pursed lips.

I felt Edward reach for my hand, and when I moved it away he let out a loud sigh.

"I need to move house, and so I need to stay here in order to pack-up my old one."

Luna felt the vibration that buzzed from my tapping feet and instantly came to my rescue. Everyone else might abandon me, but Luna wouldn't.

"Where?" I wasn't sure if I even wanted to know, or cared at that moment, but I couldn't stop myself from asking.

"I'm not sure just yet, but I was wondering what you would think about me moving to Forks?"

Forks? Why would Edward move to Forks? He doesn't care about you anymore. The negative voices took over my head. They were louder than my own thoughts.

Maybe he does care? Maybe he is moving in order to be closer to me?

Nope - it is clear that he is lying. Edward is only saying that so to get in your good books again. He'll only break your heart.

"Bella? Can you tell me how you feel?"

Yeah, Bella - tell him how you really feel.

Do I lie or tell him the truth?

Make him see how hurt you are. Twist the knife.

"I'm… confused."

"Okay, so why don't you tell me what is confusing and I can help you understand?"

He doesn't care about you… My inner voice sang in a mocking tune.

"You… don't care" about me.

"What? What are you talking about? Of course I care!"

Please don't shout at me; I haven't done anything wrong.

I looked over at Edward to see that his expression was one of sadness mixed with a slight bit of anger. He had no right to be angry. I was the one who should be angry. "Why?" I asked again and hoped to receive a better response.

"'Why' what? Why do I care, or why am I moving?" He was agitated, and it was clear to tell from his tone of voice.

Are we having a fight? I don't like fights or confrontation.

"Why…" are you "…moving?"

"I wouldn't feel safe returning to that house again, even though James has been arrested. I need to look for a new place to live and I thought that you might enjoy me living closer to you?"

Before I could reply I had to take a large gulp of water - my throat felt incredibly tight. "I do… like that." In actual fact I loved it, but I didn't want to say that in case my inner-thoughts were correct.

Edward shrugged his shoulders. "Then why are you so annoyed with me? What have I done wrong? I don't understand."

I didn't like where this conversation was going. Edward had, unknowingly, done a lot of things wrong, but I didn't feel like it was my responsibility to tell him that. Instead I asked for Charlie but I was told that he was in the shower. "I want… my Dad!" My words were loud and forceful. Enough so that my breathing became labored and my entire body shook. My crying quickly turned into sobbing and every inch of my skin began to itch. It was that very moment when my heart pounded and my throat seemed to close, that I began to panic.

Oh God, oh God; I can't breathe.

I'm going to die.

I felt hands on my shoulders, but I didn't know who from. Soothing words were telling me to breathe and to copy their actions. A heavy weight pressed down onto my knees and chest.

"That's it, sweetheart, focus on my voice." I think that was Edward.

"Can you feel the different textures in your hands, Bella? One is soft and one is hard - can you feel that?" That was definitely Carlisle. He had placed two separate items into each hand and he helped me feel around with my fingers to tell the difference. "Focus on those items and nothing else, okay? I'm going to change them to something else now and I need you to tell me what it feels like."

The item in my left hand was removed and replaced with something else. In between pants, I managed to mutter out two words. "Cold… metal."

Surprisingly, I was so focused on working out what was in my hands, that my heart rate had slowed down without me knowing. I still had difficulty with my breathing, but it was no-where near as bad as before. I suppose that just shows that this is all in your head and the slightest distraction can help settle it.

"Try and open your eyes whenever you feel safe enough."

I took a few more deep breaths and one-by-one, I opened my eyes. The heavy weight on my chest came from Luna, and Edward had his hands on my knees. His eyes were glazed over with tears.

"Do you want some water, sweetheart?" Esme handed over a glass of water with a straw, but when I didn't reach out for it, Edward took it for me. I watched his every movement - when he stood from the chair and helped me place the straw in my mouth. It was hard for me to hold the glass with Luna in my arms, so I was extremely thankful for his help. I was still annoyed and upset, but I don't know what would have happened to me if they weren't around me when the episode started.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked once I had finished drinking.

"I'm… fine."

I wanted to say more and to apologize for how I acted, but part of me felt like I didn't need to. It wasn't my fault that Edward was staying here and I believe that my actions were justified.

Everything felt better when Carlisle said that he was going to get Charlie for me. I needed my Dad more than I needed anything else in that moment.

0-0

It turned out that Charlie knew of Edward's plans and he was happy that he had decided to move to Forks. He tried to help me understand by saying that this will be better for me and that Edward won't live so far away anymore, but I found it difficult to work it out in my head. That was, of course, until the moment that we needed to leave. Everything was packed up in the car and we were saying goodbye and thank you to Esme and Carlisle. They both said how happy they were that we chose to come here and hoped to see us again soon. The minute that I sat on the sofa and said goodbye to Nora was when I properly started to cry - I had so much to thank her for, and I knew that if I didn't have Luna around to help me then I would really struggle.

"I'll… miss you." I whispered to Nora. I knew that she probably couldn't tell what I was saying, but it felt right to tell her.

"She'll miss you, too." Edward's voice broke my quiet surroundings. He perched on the arm rest beside me and stroked Nora's fur like I was doing. "You'll see her again soon; I'm sure of it."

"When?" I asked, almost too scared to hear the answer.

"Well, my parents said that they will help with my move, so I'm sure they'd bring Nora with them."

Edward sounded so sure of everything, but I was finding it hard to trust him at the moment. As bad as that sounds, it was a major shock to my system when I heard his news this morning, and since then my negative thoughts have made me think differently. He has promised me so much in the past, and usually he sticks to his promises, but not all of the time. How can I tell for certain that Edward will return, that I will see Nora again, and that this isn't some horrible lie? I won't know that until I see it with my own eyes.

However, one thing that I am sure of is that I will miss Edward more than I'll miss Nora. Every time I have needed him, he has been there. Every time I've phoned him crying, or had trouble talking, he has been patient and allowed me the time to calm down and say whatever it is that I need to say. He has been a knight in shining armor, and I don't know how well I will cope without him there for me.

"Bella?" I looked up at Edward's sad face. This was hurting him too, and it was the first time that I had properly realized that. "I know you are mad at me, but this is for the best. I will pack up my house as quickly as possible, okay?"

"…Promise?"

With a smile, he cupped my cheek. "I promise. There were times that I had to leave Forks and I didn't return for almost two weeks, remember? This will be different, because you know that when I return I will be there to stay." He made a good point, and I understood where he was coming from, but this felt different. This felt harder for some reason.

My crying only came on harder when I was helped into the car. I gave Edward a hug and I didn't want to let go - my hands gripped onto his shirt but they wouldn't move. He soothed me with his words and soft strokes on my back, but it didn't help. I wanted him to stay with me, I wanted to apologize for my actions this morning, but most of all I wanted to say how much I will miss him and how much he means to me. I hoped he got the message through my hug.

"Edward." I sobbed as the car door was closed. I held one arm out the window, but he couldn't hold my hand for too long. The car engine started, Esme and Carlisle called out their 'goodbye's, but my tears continued to fall. "Edward." His hand left mine as Charlie began to drive.

"You'll be okay, Sweetheart. I'll see you soon."

"I'm…sorry." I said those words as loudly as possible, but I don't know if he could hear me over the noise of the engine. "I'm… sorry."

"He wouldn't want you to apologize, Bells."

I turned to Charlie. "Why?"

"Because you did nothing wrong. This morning was hard for you, and he knows that. As soon Edward moves house, this whole thing will be forgotten about."

I hoped that he was telling the truth; I don't think I could handle it if this mental rollercoaster continued.

0-0

November 26th, 2018.

It has now been two days since we got home. Surprisingly the drive went quite well, and we were pleased to see that no-one was standing outside the house when we turned up. We had a few food packages on the doorstep from nearby neighbors, but that was it. The morning after, I had a phone call from Angela asking how I was doing, and whether I would want her to come over and see me. I accepted the offer, and her next available time was this afternoon. A lot had happened over the last week, and I knew that she would be able to help me see straight again.

I had been receiving messages from Edward constantly, usually asking how I was feeling. I appreciated his heartfelt words, and it meant a lot to me, but it definitely made me miss him more. This morning I had another message waiting when I woke up, and he had included a picture along side it. The fact that Edward sent the message at 06:45, told me that he was definitely trying to get everything done as quickly as possible. His message read:

Look what has arrived! I have a busy day ahead of me, so I'll talk to you when I can. Have a lovely day.

He had snapped a shot of a pile of packing boxes that took up the floor.

I replied with a photo of Luna lying next to my sock-clad feet.

Angela is coming to see me today. I hope your packing goes well. Miss you.

I always made sure to tell Edward that I miss him. It makes me smile when he repeats those words. It was days like this, when I wanted him here more than anything, that I thoroughly regret how I treated him the other day. Edward was there - right in front of me. I had the opportunity to hug him, to smile and to joke about with him, but I ruined all of that with my childish behavior. I know from experience that everything can change in a second - what if I never saw him again? What if our last memories of each other was a stupid panic attack and me shouting at him? I always seem to ruin everything, and that just proves it.

Charlie had told me to tell Angela everything that I was feeling. I hope she didn't think badly of me, too.

Five minutes before Angela arrived, I clipped the harness around Luna and made sure that she knew it was time to work and to focus on me. I had a glass of water ready on the table and my favorite candies in a bowl. We still don't know who had left the large bag of Sweedish Fish on our doorstep, but they obviously knew that that was my favorite candy. I thought back to the 'friends' from high school, or maybe my colleagues at work… it has to be one of them, and hopefully I'll find out soon.

I nibbled on the tail of one of the fish, but I put the candy back into the bowl when the doorbell rang. Charlie answered the door and Angela walked into the living room with her large smile present. I was now comfortable enough around her that I could accept the hug she gave me and often I would share her smile.

"How is your day going?" That was her opening line for every session. No day is ever the same, so she needed to ask in order to get a better idea of how I was feeling.

"Okay." I used my tongue to push away at the gummy that was stuck one of my back teeth.

"You said that you wanted to see me today. Is there anything in particular that you want to discuss?"

I regret everything that I have done in the last 52 hours.

I cannot stop thinking about Edward and I'm worried that I won't see him again.

I miss him more than I thought I would, and I don't know why,

That was everything that I wanted to say, but in reality I simply muttered: "I… miss… Edward." It was short and sweet, and explained everything.

"Where is Edward at the moment?"

"…Home."

Angela picked up her pen and scribbled something down in the file that she always brought with her. "He lives in Oregon, is that right?" I nodded my head. "It must be hard for him to be so far away, but Edward seems like a wonderful friend to you and so as hard as it is now, he won't be away for long."

My hands balled up into two fists as the anger seeped through me. "He's… moving."

"Moving? Where is he moving too?"

"Forks."

Angela tried to hide her smile, but I noticed it. She usually hid all emotions, but sometimes it was hard for her to do. "That is excellent, Bella! Why does that upset you?"

"I'm scared… that he… is lying."

"Has Edward lied to you before?"

"No."

"Then why would now be any different?"

I couldn't think of an appropriate answer, and so Angela continued to talk. "I want you to think back to when this all started - back to when you arrived on Edward's doorstep. What did he do for you?"

I didn't like thinking back to that day, but I did as Angela told me and answered her question regardless. "Everything."

"And when it came for you to come home with your dad, why did Edward come with you? He could have easily stayed at home."

"Because… he wanted to."

Angela crossed one leg over the other. "It is because he cares about you more than you realize. Edward was a good Samaritan that night, and he stayed with you to make sure that you were safe, but he didn't have to do any more than that. I have only met him a handful of times before now, but I can tell you honestly that he is not the sort of person who would lie about something as big as this."

If Edward isn't lying, then why is my head telling me differently?

"Bella?" I blinked a few times to refocus before turning my head back in Angela's direction. She had a plastic bag in her hands. "I want to try something. First of all, can you tell me what your concentration is like on a scale of one to ten. One being low."

I thought about that for a second. I procrastinate a lot, and constantly get lost in the stream of thoughts. I don't often see what is going on around me because I am too busy battling against myself mentally. Like now, I guess. Silently, I whispered: "… three."

She wrote my answer down onto paper. "Okay, and when Edward told you that he was moving house, did you find yourself listening to what he was saying? Or focusing more on yourself?"

My answer made me feel incredibly selfish. "Myself."

How is this helping me? How was I meant to see differently if I'm constantly berating myself?

Charlie is paying a lot of money for this…

"It is perfectly normal, but I want you to try something when that happens." Angela opened up the plastic bag and pulled out a pair of black, over-ear headphones. "Hyperacusis - or noise sensitivity - is essentially when everyday noises appear louder than they should. In your case, specific sounds are accompanied by emotional distress or anger, and instantly your entire mood will change. What I want you to try is, when you find yourself getting lost and distracted, putting these headphones on and listening to some music. You can listen to whatever you want, but make sure you are paying attention to the lyrics or the tune. You will quickly find that you have forgotten about the worries in your head, or what was angering you. Do you think you could try that for me?"

I agreed hesitantly - I wasn't sure that this was going to work, but Angela knew more than I did, so I decided to give it a go.

"Thank you, Bella." She placed the headphones on the table between us. "Now, the next time that someone says something that you disagree with, and you find yourself focusing more on yourself, I want you to try the music therapy. Ask to take a few minutes to yourself, or whatever you feel comfortable with. Listen to the music for as long as you like, but only take the headphones off when you feel more relaxed. I will ask what you think of it when I come for our next session, okay?"

Again, I only agreed to make her happy.

0-0

Surprisingly, once our session had finished, and I was left lying on the couch with Luna, I found myself picking up the headphones and plugging them into my phone. My phone was still pretty empty, and so I hadn't added any music yet, however I still had my old Spotify account, and so I signed into that and tapped on the first playlist that came up. It was called 'Songs to Sing in the Shower.' I knew most of the lyrics to the songs that played, and I found that Angela's advice worked. I was so distracted mouthing the lyrics, that for ten minutes I didn't have a single negative thought.

For the first time in three months, I could no longer hear the noises that terrified me on a daily basis - the ringing of the phone or doorbell, someone talking outside, or even cars driving past my house. All of that could have happened during those ten minutes and I would have had no idea.

It put me in such a good mood, that when Edward sent me a message asking how it went with Angela, I caught myself smiling as I replied as quickly as possible.

It was good. She gave me a new thing to try. Hey, what is your favorite song? Or artist?

To my astonishment, Edward replied only minutes later.

My favorite band would have to be Kings of Leon, but let me think about song… Can I ask why?

Before I replied, I typed 'Kings of Leon' into the search bar and pressed play on the one song that I recognized - 'Use Somebody'. I could imagine Edward driving around in his Volvo, perhaps listening to the song far too loudly and singing at the top of his lungs. It felt good.

I've been made to listen to music when I need a distraction.

We continued to talk through text messages for at least an hour after that. I had my headphones on the entire time, and whenever Edward would recommend a song or a band, I would listen to them and let him know of my thoughts. One of the bands that he recommended was a band called 'Biffy Clyro'. I hadn't heard of them before, but I instantly got into their music. After doing some research I found out that the band is Scottish, and the accents flowed through as they sung. That is probably what relaxed me the most. I was never a fan of rock music until now, but it was certainly growing on me. At one point I had the same song on repeat, just because I couldn't stop listening to it.

Everything was going so well.

The smile on Charlie's face when he saw how happy I was, made my mood brighter. He allowed me to keep my headphones on for as long as I wanted to, and I only had to take them off when it came to having dinner, but even then I still had the lyrics playing around my head.

Like I said, everything was going so well.

That was, until the doorbell rang.

"It's probably another one of the neighbors dropping off food." Charlie laughed lightly as he stood up from the table.

Maybe it's Edward!

Maybe he is surprising me again!

I was almost certain that it was him. Usually he lets me know when he arrives here, but maybe he's been talking to Charlie and they have planned this surprise together?

It has to be Edward. Who else could it be?

"Oh, hello…" Charlie's surprised tone didn't bode well with me; surely he wouldn't have acted surprised if he knew Edward was at the door… "Come on in?"

That was when the visitor walked into the room. I dropped my spoon out of pure shock, which sent soup flying into the air.

"Bunny!"

Mom?

0-0

Renee had to turn up at some point, right?

Noise sensitivity is something that I battle with often, and I use music to help deal with it on a daily basis. A simple thing like dropping cutlery once I have just washed them can cause a negative outburst in my head and I have to say "it's fine, it's fine… I'm fine" out loud before I can properly calm down. Fun fact for you there.

Okay, so I am interested to know what you all think… are you annoyed with Edward? Are you curious about Renee? Let me know!