Author's note: This chapter is named after a Stone Sour song because once again, Corey Taylor acted as my muse.

There is no actual dying in this chapter, calm down.

I apologize for the delay, but school and motherhood and life are all tag teaming me, currently.

oOo

Ben

I woke up slowly, my eyes cracking open to see soft sunlight pouring in through the curtains covering the window.

The room was quiet and still, save for the gentle thrum of the Force, stronger now than I'd ever felt.

Rey was on her side, her back pressed against my front, and her head resting on my arm. I flexed my fingers, finding them to be tingling and numb.

My other arm was wrapped securely around her waist, and I remembered that we were both nude under the duvet.

I laid my head on my pillow, remembering all we'd done last night.

The Bond was still, satisfied, and content, and I felt it now rooted in my chest, binding me to Rey.

To my breath and hope and light and life.

To my Mate.

I'd read about this, about what sealing the Bond would do to us, to me. But, I hadn't been expecting the deep seated sense of peace that encompassed me. Once, the idea of belonging to anyone so completely, of loving someone as much as I loved her, terrified me. Knowing that someone else held such control over me. Now, it calmed me, the knowledge that she was just as much mine as I was hers soothing me where panic had previously been.

It was bizarre, and frightening, and wonderful.

I felt her stir in my arms, and watched as her eyes fluttered open, and she turned her head to look at me.

She smiled, and shifted to be able to face me, bringing both of her hands up and laying her head on them.

I smiled back, my heart swelling so I thought it would burst, and kissed her tenderly.

She nestled back into my arms, and we stared at each other in silence for what seemed like hours before she asked, "Would you have ever told me about the Bond?"

I blinked, taken aback, and my perfect peace stilled, the reminder that I'd willingly kept our bond from her heavy between us now.

"Yes." I answered. I kept my shields down, andmy mind open to her. No more games. No more hiding.

Her eyes searched mine. "When?"

"I made up my mind to tell you after our dinner with C." I admitted. "I wanted to tell you that night you came to my room, and I tried to tell you the morning that the Resistance took you."

"Why didn't you tell me when you found out?"

"Because I'd offered myself to you and you refused."

"This is different." She insisted.

"I know that this is different but you'd made your choice." I heard the sorrow in my own voice. "You didn't want me, and I didnt want to tell you about the Bond, and make you feel like you were obligated to accept, or even reconsider."

"And, after I told you that I did want you?" She probed. "Why didn't you tell me then?"

"I knew you wanted to go home." I said, remembering the day that FN-2187 came to take her back to base. "I felt it. And, I thought that if I didn't tell you, it would make it easier for you to go. But, then, you chose to stay with me," I remembered how her declaration had made me feel and her eyes brightened as she felt it course through the Bond. "But I wasn't oblivious to how much that decision hurt you. It didn't feel right to bring it up, then." I tucked a stray curl behind her ear and stroked her cheek with my thumb. "I should have told you." I said. "But once you knew, I realized what being mated to me would mean for you. The danger it would put you in. And, I was willing to be without you to keep you safe."

"So, you went back." She breathed.

"I went back." I confirmed. "And, I was prepared to burn that ship down, with Hux on it, but then you came for me." The corner of her lips twitched upwards, and I went on. "You. Came to accept the mating bond, with me, even though it meant being mated to Kylo Ren." I felt my brow tighten. "Why?"

She moved to prop herself up on her elbow, and brought her free hand up to cup my cheek. "Because accepting you means accepting all of you." She leaned over and kissed my lips. "Loving you means loving all of you." She whispered against them.

I pulled back. "You can't love all of me." I shook my head. "All I've done. All you've seen me do." The worlds I'd destroyed, the innocent lives I'd taken. My pulse quickened and my breathing hitched, as it always did when I remembered who I'd been and what I'd done.

She shushed me gently, pulling me back to her. "Your whole life, you've been made to believe that you're not worthy of love. But, you are." She whispered, and I felt my heart fracture.

She went on "I know exactly who you were, and what you've done. But I also know that it haunts you."

Tears stung my eyes and I blinked them away.

"Do you want to make amends?" She asked.

I'd slaughtered countless innocent people, I'd given orders for troopers to kill civilians, I'd stood ideally while Hux destroyed five planets simultaneously. And Han….

My stomach rolled, and I swallowed, shaking my head again. "There is no making amends for what I've done."

"Maybe not." Rey said softly, and my eyes went to hers. "But, I'm willing to spend the rest of my life helping you try."

I stared at her in awed silence, my heart feeling as if it were breaking and being pieced together at the same time.

She knew my most inner struggles, she'd seen the horrors that haunted me.

She wasn't afraid, not of me or my power.

She wasn't running as everyone else had.

She'd chosen me. To be with me, to share her life with me. She'd chosen to be my mate.

I kissed her, too overwhelmed by everything I was feeling to try to put it into words. I poured every bit of gratitude into that kiss, pulling her to me, and cradling her face in my hands.

She kissed me back, letting me hold her, taste her, but she pulled away before our kisses grew heated.

I didn't object. I saw the slight wince when she moved to stand, and knew she needed time before we could be physically intimate again. I'd hurt her enough.

"I wish you wouldn't think like that." She said, and I looked up at her, swearing under my breath because I'd left my shields down.

I saw her memories of last night, of my hesitation and uncertainty, my face clouded with anxiety before she'd pushed me back and straddled me.

She leaned over and gave me a quick kiss. "You didn't hurt me." She said against my lips.

"I beg to differ." I growled, remembering the pain I'd felt through the bloomed open Bond. Her pain. The pain that I'd done to her.

"You didn't do it, though." She reminded me. "I did." She kissed me again. "So stop your brooding."

She went into the bathing room and shut the door and I got up, rummaging around in a nearby dresser until I found a pair of sleep pants and tugged them on.

I went across the hall to Rey's bedroom and gathered a silken robe off of the end of her bed, then went back to my room, handing it to her when she emerged.

She thanked me, taking it, and I moved passed her, into the vacant bathing room and closed the door behind me.

When I came out, the house smelled like caf and it made my empty stomach twist painfully.

I went into the dining room and found Rey seated at the table with a steaming mug in front of her. She was in the robe I'd given her, and her hair was down, disheveled from going to sleep with it wet.

I asked the service droid for a cup as well, and sat next to her.

"I've asked for breakfast." She said, watching the droid fill my cup. "I'm starving."

"Me too." I said, unable to remember the last time I'd eaten.

Within minutes, the droids came out with trays of food and we both filled our plates.

I dug in, going back for seconds and then thirds before I even slowed down enough to register what I was eating, and looked up at Rey to see her moving a sausage link around on her plateq with her fork.

"Is something wrong?" I asked around a mouthful of bacon.

She glanced up at me. "I think we need to talk."

I swallowed what was in my mouth with a gulp. Talk? Why do we need to talk? Had I done something? Had I not done

something? "What do we need to talk about?"

She rolled the sausage a bit, then looked up."I feel like every time we talk, i have to remind you to be honest with me, and you still give me watered-down half truths."

Ok, that was fair.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I'll try."

She gave me an incredulous look.

"If I told you that I'd pour my heart out in a three hour long talk about my feelings, you'd know I was lying." I pointed out. "But, I will try. I promise."

She seemed satisfied with that. "What now?" She wanted to know.

I shrugged. "Hux is still after us. Which means the First Order, my knights, are still after us, too. The longer we stay here, the longer we risk C and her people." I combed my fingers through my hair. "We have to take him down. If it destroys the First Order, so be it."

She looked up. "I meant with us."

Oh. Us.

"It's up to you." I told her. "We could go to a Force user, have our Bond confirmed, and officially declared Mates. We could get married, if you'd rather us be husband and wife. We could do neither one," I shrugged again. "And just be as we are."

"What do you want?" She asked.

"I already have what I want." I told her. "We accepted the Bond. It's sealed." I explained. "Two things that I never thought would happen. I get to say that you're my mate, and nothing else matters to me."

She smiled.

"Although," I added, cocking my head to the side. "Getting to say that you're my wife does sound appealing." I brought my cup up to take a sip.

She chewed on the inside of her cheek before she asked. "And, what about….pregnancy?"

I choked on my caf.

"I'm not...I mean I haven't been taking….anything. You know, to prevent it." She told me.

I nodded once in understanding. "We could look into options for you. The patch, or pill, or ring, or….whatever they have now." I wasn't versed on current methods of birth control. "Or, look into options for me."

She took a breath. "I'll see a doctor before we leave."

Her decision. So, I just nodded and said nothing.

"What about…." She added. "Your mother?"

My eyebrows pulled together. "What about her?"

Rey raised her chin. "We should tell her."

My mood soured immediately. "She kidnapped you and thinks that I have you under some Force thrall."

She pursed her lips. "I'm not entirely sure what that word means, but she did apologize for...well, what happened before."

"Fine." I growled. "You can tell her anything you'd like."

Her face hardened. "I wasn't asking your permission." She replied curtly. "But, I would like for you to tell her with me."

"No." I immediately told her.

Her eyebrows flew up. "No?"

I shook my head. "No, you don't want me to talk to her because you want to tell her about the Bond, you want me to talk to her because you want me to fix my relationship with her." I seethed. "Don't deny it."

She didn't so much as blink as she said. "I wasn't going to."

"Don't do that." I warned. I shoved myself away from the table and stood.

"Don't want to tell your mother that I'm permanently mated to her only son?" Rey demanded, looking up at me.

"Tell her whatever you want, but don't expect me to have anything to say to her." I turned on my heel and went back to my room, closing the door behind me.

I was alone for a solid three seconds before the door flew open, and I turned to find Rey in the doorway, her face red with fury.

"That is not how this works." She hissed. "You don't get to walk away from a conversation just because you're done talking."

"I didn't walk away because I was done talking." I said, my voice low. "I walked away because i don't want to fight with you." I hated fighting with her. I hated the fact that even a Mated Force Bond, the rarest and most precious gift from the Force itself couldn't make us get along. "But my relationship with my mother is none of your business."

She gasped in offense. "None of my business?"

"None whatsoever." I pointed between us. "Your relationship with me, that's your business. Your relationship with my mother is your business. But my relationship with my mother is not, and you do not get to dictate it."

"Dictate?" She echoed. "I wouldn't call asking you to tell your mother about our bond dictating."

"It is when you're using our Bond as a way to get us talking again." I clarified. "When it's not what I want."

"Oh, so I'm just supposed to forget about the friends that I have?" She demanded, her voice growing louder. "Forget about my home? Forget about my life because it's not what you want?"

"I did!" I yelled, the Force rippled off of me and shook the room around us. "I walked away from everything I've spent my life trying to build! I walked away for you!" Another ripple. Another violent shudder. "If you want to go home," I pointed to the door behind her. "Go!" I'd never stopped her before and I wasn't going to start now. I was not going to keep her with me if it wasn't where she wanted to be. Even with the Bond sealed, it was still her decision.

She ignored that, and said instead, " Leia is the only family I have. She's the only family you have!"

"Which is why you can tell her whatever you want." I reminded her. 'But just because you maintain your relationship with her doesn't mean I have to do the same, and you have to respect that."

Her face darkened as she stared up at me, and then she grunted in frustration and left the room, going to her own and shutting the door.

The lock clicked into place.

"You know if I wanted to get in, I could Force pick the lock, right?" I called.

The lock slid again and her door opened just enough for her to stick her arm out and give me a particularly vulgar gesture before she slammed the door closed and slid the lock back into place.

oOo

Additional authors note:

I really struggled with this chapter. of course I want these guys to get along. I want them to be going for another round in bed instead of at each others throats. but, these are two very different and very damaged people. there is a huge age gap between them. things like this dont just go away. if I'd written the chapter that I wanted, with their relationship all marshmellows and rainbows, it would have been unrealistic. but, I will work it out.