CHAPTER 28

How much sorrow can I take?
Blackbird on my shoulder
And what difference does it make
When this love is over?
Shall I sleep within your bed
River of unhappiness
Hold your hands upon my head
'Til I breathe my last breath

Sufjan Stevens

"I'm afraid of falling in love, Kai."

So if you fell in love with me, would you leave me?

Love

What a ridiculous notion.

He'd turned the idea over and over again in his head in the course of the last two weeks. Looked at it from every which angle he could think of. Listening and understanding. And he'd come to one conclusion. People misunderstood it very often.

You developed a bond with someone who was of use to you in an indisposable way. That bond wasn't selfless or pure. It was polluted from the very beginning as it has sprouted from the need for social attachment as a human being. Its true essence was composed of selfishness of the highest form.

Human beings were social creatures. They liked to have partners just as any other living thing in the universe. You hoped to pair up for life with someone who suited your needs quite well and parted ways with someone who didn't.

How utterly disgusting it was to use people and discard them like soiled tissues once you were done with them.

Tyson's fear of falling in love stemmed from selfishness too. He didn't want to "love" someone not because he disliked using people to fulfill his needs. He didn't want to "love" because he was afraid of getting the short end of the stick and being discarded by the person he "loved".

Yet they were still together. Because Kai wasn't quite indispensable to him yet. What criteria was he not satisfying? Was it the emotional side of the bargain? What more emotional support could Kai possibly give him? He was already trying his best.

Kai was not completely exempt from this basic need either. He was human too after all. There were moments he'd felt an indescribable pull to be near Tyson. To see him or touch him. To get his attention. And these "pulls" were strong. Overpowering when they struck him. He found it difficult to resist them and keep his cool.

But he was well aware of the underlying issue. He was only 19. He was healthy and so he was hormonal. He was attracted to Tyson. He liked him to a significant degree. Did his feelings qualify as love? Was he indispensable to Kai already? May be.

He'd seemed so for a while. He had had a hard time chasing the thoughts of him out of his head last week. Before he'd told him that he was afraid of love. And the neurons in Kai's brain had fired this way and that. Was he disappointed? No. Did he think less of him? No. Instead he'd been intrigued by him. The death of his family members had left a lasting impression on Tyson. They must have held positions of great importance in his heart. Kai couldn't blame him for being broken over their loss.

It was quite easy to seal up his heart in the absence of Tyson. To think of him as someone his baser instincts chose as a potential lifelong partner. Someone to share his burdens with. Someone to use. But these thoughts more often than not tended to lose their solid foundation when Tyson walked into the room. As it did now.

Kai was perched near the foot of the bed, feet on the floor. Tyson was on the phone as he approached him. He sat down beside him without looking up once on his way from the door to the bed. "Aw crap" he moaned, tapping furiously on the screen. "Kai…"

Kai pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, considering his distraught self. He glanced up at last, flipping his bangs up for a moment with a hand in frustration. "Remember that date I got Emily to go on?"

"…"

"Well, now she's saying she won't go unless I go with her too and make it a double date." He turned on the puppy eyes before asking in a sweet tone. "Will you come?"

Kai lay back on his elbows, balancing one foot on the edge. "No" he replied without a second thought. A double date? A vision of him and Tyson sitting across Emily and that volleyball nerd in grim and awkward silence flashed through his mind and Kai thought: fuck that. He wasn't putting himself in another one of those painful situations Tyson wanted to pull him into because they were together now. A better boyfriend would have indulged him may be, but Kai wasn't in the mood to be used at the moment. He'd made a promise to him and he would uphold it without wasting his time watching crappy movies or having tasteless food with people he didn't even like when it wouldn't benefit him in the future.

Tyson's face fell at his answer. That little star in one of his eyes whenever he was happy literally fading. Kai felt a twinge of something in response, but he ignored it. "It's on Friday. You're usually free on Friday nights, aren't you? That's when you came to see me a lot of times last month."

"Not this Friday. I'm working."

"Oh" Was all he said. And since Kai didn't want him to become sad because of him he asked, "Why does she want you to tag along with her as well when you've already agreed to buy her dinner for the rest of the semester?"

"Um"

"That was the deal, wasn't it?" Kai prompted.

"Yes" Tyson nodded.

"Then it's done. She can't make any more demands."

He sighed and texted Emily. A ping followed soon after and Tyson raised the phone to his mouth and said, "Yeah well, he's not and he's busy on Friday." Then pressed okay to send the voice message.

Kai eyed him curiously for a minute before he asked what that was about and Tyson answered nothing. He swiped the phone from his hands and read the last message Emily had sent.

"What do you mean he said no? Isn't he ass-whipped for you? Ask him again, he'll say yes."

When Kai looked back at Tyson, he blushed a faint red before dropping his gaze all together. Kai handed his phone back to him and lay down on the bed fully, throwing an arm across his eyes. He considered sleeping for a while.

He could wake up around eight and have dinner then. Unhealthy to be eating so late but he felt exhausted suddenly. It was quiet for a moment and he relaxed further. He sensed Tyson shift a little later. A hand ghosted across the one he'd placed on his stomach. "Are you okay?" he asked softly.

Kai didn't respond.

"Are you tired?" Even gentler. His fingers curled around the back of his palm. "Kai?" Tyson combed through his hair. Played with it.

He made a sound of assent then.

"Wanna cuddle?" Tyson was near, radiating warmth. Kai thought of drawing him near. Drowning in his welcoming body heat. Using him to satisfy his needs. Yeah no fuck that.

"No" he exhaled.

Yet Tyson still stayed with him. Drawing tiny circles on the back of his hand as Kai drifted to sleep.

o - o - o - o - o

"Are you up?"

Tyson opened his eyes and peered up at Kai drowsily. One of the lamps were on, casting faint yellow light.

"Hm?"

"If I asked you a question," he was saying, "would you answer me honestly?"

Kai was hovering above him. Way too close. His hot breath washed over him as he spoke.

"Yes" he replied, very confused. Still caught in the web of slumber.

Kai's voice was soft when he asked him, "why did you say yes?"

"To what?"

"To this. Us."

Tyson blinked at him slowly. He answered him with the first thing that came to his mind. "Because I wanted to be with you."

"Why?"

"Why?" His brow crinkled. "Why did you want to be with me?"

He saw Kai set his jaw. Thinking. A look of frustration crossed his features. Tyson's eyes began falling closed again as Kai maintained his silence. He found that it was easy to fall asleep around him. Even easier when he was awake. Something Emily said about feeling safe around loved ones entered his mind and this time Tyson didn't squash that thought like a grape.

Warm air touched his face before Kai's lips descended upon his. If anybody had asked if he loved Kai then he would have said yes. Tyson slipped his fingers into his hair. Holding him there as Kai tilted his head slightly for better reach and kissed him close mouthed.

o - o - o - o - o

"Get up," Kai tried pulling away from him. "It's eight. We're already late."

"You rhymed," Tyson said with a giggle, completely ignoring the things he was saying and tugging him back into another kiss. And Kai went so easily. How weak.

It was like trying to swim up against a downward current. He kept getting pulled under. Into cottony kisses and delighted laughter. He was attracted to Tyson's happiness like a moth to a flame. He liked it when he was happy to an abnormal level. And liked making him happy to an even more absurd one.

So they rolled around on the bed for another five minutes before Kai mustered up the strength to try again. "Stop," he managed in between. "Stop, you demon."

"How am I the demon? You're the one who bit me. Right on the neck. Vampire."

Kai tore free of Tyson's clutches and held himself above him on his hands. He could finally breath. Tyson grinned. Evil. Feeling around the area near his throat where Kai had bitten him earlier. "Do I have marks?"

"No" What? Did he believe him to be some sort of maniac?

"Don't act all high and mighty now. I had to cover up my neck for the entirety of last week."

"Only because you bruise easily."

"No, I don't." Tyson pushed him off of him. "You're the one with the petal princess skin. Not me." Kai sighed. "Look" He poked a finger into his upper arm for a few seconds then took his hand away. The skin there bloomed pink. "See? I barely touched you and that thing's gonna last for about thirty minutes. Pampered princess."

Kai caught him around the waist for that and intentionally sucked a hickey into his collarbone as he squirmed and flailed. He let him go once he was done and inspected his work. Beautiful. "And you're gonna have that for a week."

"Asshole" Tyson shoved him. "And the others had only just faded. I hate you." He muttered loud curses as he got to his feet and went to the mirror to check his battle scar. He growled when he saw the red patch of skin and Kai escaped to the hall before he came for revenge.

o - o - o - o - o

On Thursday, they went out. Walking around the city, talking and teasing each other. Tyson jumped up on the base of a streetlight and asked Kai, "If I fall would you catch me?"

"Why should I?" Kai countered.

"Because if I fall I'll get hurt?"

"So?"

Tyson slid back down to the pavement and glared. "Can't you be romantic for five minutes? Would it kill you to indulge me a little bit every now and then?"

Kai had a pained look on his face. "It just might."

Tyson grit his teeth. "Fine. Then I'll go find myself a new boyfriend."

His eyes narrowed. "Then why didn't you all this time?"

"Huh?"

"You had two years to find yourself a nice boyfriend, Tyson, yet you stayed single. Why?"

"Because," Tyson stalled, trying to come up with something snarky. Couldn't. "Because I couldn't get over you." He looked down at his shoes.

Kai stepped close. "I won't catch you as long as you can save yourself."

Tyson smiled.

o - o - o - o - o

Late in the night, as he lay counting the number of times Kai's heart beat in a minute with the help of the bedside clock with glowing digits, Tyson realized that some things are worth the risk. So what if he feared that Kai might leave him one day or life might take him from him, he had the boy lying beside him now and the simple joy he derived from that alone was enough risking a billion heartaches.

And he would fight tooth and nail to keep Kai from harm. He would not lose another loved one while he was still alive. He pressed his palm flat into his chest, silently vowing to protect the heart thumping away under his hand from everything. Kai grabbed that hand then, startling Tyson. "What is it?" He whispered.

"Stop being weird," said Kai.

"Huh?" Tyson raised his head to look at him. "I wasn't doing anything."

"Yes you were," Kai tucked the hand he had on his chest under his arm and pulled him near. "You and I both know you were."

"Quit acting like you're capable of telepathy. You don't know what I was thinking."

"You were in the middle of another one of your mental spiels. It probably involved me this time. Why the fuck else would you have been trying to engrave your palm into my chest?"

"Excuse me, if you were to say these things to someone who was not me, they would lock you up in a mental institution for hallucinating."

"But I'm not hallucinating."

"You're not funny. You're lame and boring."

"Yet here you are."

"Only cuz you have a big dick."

"I'll take the compliment."

Tyson stuck his tongue out. "Who said you knew how to use it?" he teased.

"You did," Kai replied with a laugh in his voice.

"When?"

"Last night."

"I must have been out of my mind."

"Oh you were," he growled in his ear in a way that made Tyson roll his eyes while fighting off a smile. He flipped them around, climbing on top of him. Tyson's heartbeat picked up. He could never get used to it.

"Stop. We agreed to go straight to sleep tonight."

Kai kissed his earlobe, intertwining the fingers of both their hands. Tyson breathed out as he sent shivers down his spine. "Kai"

"Shh"

"No wait" he said when the last two buttons of his shirt were popped open and his stomach was exposed to cool air. Kai refused to listen, grazing the backs of his fingers around his belly button, shaking up his resolve.

"You said we have to sleep early if we're to go test your new…um..that thingy you're building at- dawn." Tyson's sentences kept breaking off as Kai worked his shirt open. "Kai!" he yelled in frustration.

"Five minutes," he rasped in reply, teeth bracketing Tyson's left nipple.

"Urgh, what are you going to do in five minutes?" Tyson flopped an arm.

"I'm going to make you come."

o - o - o - o - o

"Ding dong," Mike sing-songed, interrupting the playful argument Tyson was having with Kai seated outside a café near the campus. They both looked up at him at the same time. Michael held up a bag of junk food. "I bought you a treat," he said to Tyson.

"What?" He lunged for the bag of food and peeked inside. "Oh. My. God." They were all in there. Big Mac, spicy fries, extra condiments. Shit. "Michael, you didn't!"

"I did." Mike looked smug. "Oh and Kai you can have it too. There should be enough."

Kai was just confused. "Why are you gifting him junk food?" he asked, eyes narrowed.

"Oh well, it's um…our thing." Michael shrugged. "We do it every now and then."

"Why?"

"Err…it's a…roommates tradition."

Kai was frowning now. Tyson started devouring the contents of the bag, but not before graciously offering Michael a seat. Kai grimaced as he watched him bite into the huge burger, internally cringing. "Slow down a bit," he advised, worried. "Don't choke and die." He poured the remaining coke from the can Tyson had purchased earlier into a glass and pushed it toward him.

Mike tapped his foot restlessly. "So, how's the tourney coming along?" he asked Kai.

"As well as expected," he replied carefully.

Tyson caught the wary note in his tone amidst the flavor bursting in his mouth and stopped to snort. "You don't have to measure your words around Mike, Kai. My boy's as golden as they come."

Michael and Tyson bumped fists. Kai's eyebrow twitched. "Your boy?"

Tyson eyed him, taking a slow and calculated bite, then put it down, leaned across the table and planted a big greasy kiss on Kai's slightly pouting mouth. "Stop getting jealous, you idiot."

He sat back down as Kai wiped his lips clean, avoiding his gaze. Mike was thoroughly amused and he said as much, at which Kai chucked the wadded up tissue he'd dabbed his mouth with at Michael. "Disgusting. Keep the germs to yourself and your boyfriend." He tossed the tissue to the nearest bin and howled when it landed perfectly inside. "Yeah that's what I'm talking about. Ace, bitch." Then he settled. "So, there's a party at Beta Kappa Pi tonight. They're throwing it as a last minute hurrah before finals. Ya know, for stress relief and shit before enduring hell week. Who's coming?"

Tyson mumbled "me!" through a mouthful of fries. Kai simply crossed his arms and tried to pretend like he didn't hear him.

"Make your boyfriend come, Tyson," said Mike before he noticed that accidental innuendo and prayed neither noted, but of course it didn't slip by Kai. He smirked, looking livelier all of a sudden.

"Yeah, Tyson," he urged in his gravelly voice. "Make me come."

Tyson who was busy washing the fries down with coke, set the drink down and dragged the back of his hand across his mouth before curling his lips at Kai. "Why do you look so smug, bastard? What do you think you've accomplished?" Mike raised his brows, sensing a hint of heat behind his words. "You're coming anyways."

"What?" spat Kai, uncrossing his arms.

"Because you made me go with Emily and Tanaka on a three-person date like the trashiest boyfriend ever. I sat there like the biggest loser on the planet for one full hour because of you!"

"Became of Emily," Kai corrected him without missing a beat.

"No! You!"

"Emily…" Kai growled through gritted teeth.

"You!"

"Uh guys?" Michael cleared his throat but he was almost drowned out by the racket Tyson was causing.

"Emily"

"You"

"…Emily"

Mike tolerated the juvenile back and forth for a few more seconds before losing his temper. "Shut the fuck up!" he shouted at the two and they stared wordlessly in shock. "Thank you"

Tyson blinked, then turned back to his food. He picked up a fry and ate it. Then moved onto finish the rest of the burger. Kai's attention had shifted back to him a long time ago.

"So the two of you are coming?" Mike resumed the conversation they were having earlier.

And this time, Kai answered, gaze on Tyson who was taking a gigantic bite. "Yes"

"Oh? Oh! Great!" Mike wondered how that had happened. "You know the address, Tyson? Should I text-"

"Oh my gooood" Tyson was moaning, eyes closed, savouring the last of the burger. "This is so good. Mike, I love you. Oh my god! Kai baby, you have to try this." He leaned over the table toward him, with the small piece of burger that was remaining.

Kai leaned back. "No, thank you. I'll pass."

"Please, just a small bite. This burger tastes so good and I have to share something that makes me happy with the people I love. You'll be-" his words tapered off when he saw the stricken expression on Kai's face. And it was then that he realized.

With the people I love. He'd said he loved him. At a café outdoors, in front of people he knew, in the most unromantic scenario possible.

Fuck

And Kai was so stunned, his jaw unhinged and his mouth hung open. And because Tyson didn't want to embarrass him, he stuffed the remaining of the burger into the gap. Kai began functioning again then, closing his mouth and chewing diligently. Gaze downward.

Tyson reoccupied his chair and continued like nothing had happened, but Kai kept replaying the scene over and over in his head.

o - o - o - o - o

Love. Selfishness. So Kai did indeed satisfy Tyson's needs. Yet how had Tyson overcome his fear of being discarded? How did he end up falling in love with Kai anyway?

What led him to making that decision? Or had it been a subconscious decision? What was the reason then? How did it happen? Kai had to know. He had to ask him. Tyson was walking beside him now. In a visibly happy mood.

Kai swallowed. Slowed down the pace. They were on a fairly busy and crowded street. People were rushing by, cars were speeding past, the shops had customers, business was booming. The world was alive and pulsing. Kai closed his hand over Tyson's. Halting in his tracks.

Tyson stopped walking too. Turning to face him with concern. A woman hurried past, a phone pressed to her ear. Kai let go of his hand. Took in a breath. Then two. This was going to be the most reckless thing he had ever done. "How?" His voice sounded jarring to his own ears.

"How what?"

"How did you fall in love with me?"

Tyson faltered. Lips moving over unsaid words and phrases. Would he deny it? Would he run away? Tyson did neither. He clenched his fists and squared his shoulders. Then Kai watched as the resolve literally leaked out of him. "Kai"

"Tyson"

He felt as though somebody had pressed the mute button because he couldn't hear the rest of the world around him. Or see past three inches of Tyson's frame. It was as if they were in a bubble of their own. Separate and detached from their surroundings.

Something in his chest tugged violently as Tyson sighed. "I- I don't want to run anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I've thought about it. What you said about being unable to live in fear. I was afraid of losing you. I still am. But I- I've realized that, even if I do, even if I hurt, it's okay. Because loving you makes me happier than anything else. And that happiness is worth risking everything. I mean, what do we take away from life other than the love we are able to give each other?"

Kai stood there in bafflement. Selfishness. Where was the selfishness in what Tyson had said just now? He wanted to love. For the sake of…loving? What? That made no sense. That sounded ideal. Selfless. How could one be happy just out of giving love to someone? What could you gain from giving? Clean conscience? A sense of superiority?

Insane

Impossible

If it was about a clean conscience and being righteous, why was none of that apparent in Tyson's eyes?! Why didn't he look smug? Why didn't he even have the condescending glint of a saint's gaze in his own? What alternate universe were they a part of right now?

"Tyson Granger" Kai growled in anger. "You son of a bitch."

Concern bloomed in his eyes again. "What? What did I do?" He stepped forward.

Kai locked his jaw. Ground his teeth. Unable to express his frustration. His fists balled. He wanted to take a swing at something that was not Tyson yet Tyson was all that was before him. "So you're in love with me?" Kai was surprised by the venom on his own voice.

He heard a soft gasp, guards falling in his eyes. "Yes" Tyson replied tenderly.

Don't make me the monster, you fucker. Don't turn me into the villain. Cut that teary eyed shit out. "You're not going to break up with me?"

Tyson shook his head. "Not unless you want me to."

"I want you to," Kai hissed. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Don't break up with me. Don't fuck with me. Don't make me the monster.

"You-" his voice broke off. "You want me to?" What was with that fragile note in his tone?!

"No! Dumbass..." Kai strode toward him and grabbed his face by the cheeks. "How?" he demanded.

"How what?" he stuttered.

"How can you be so fucking selfless?" he asked him in one breath. "How can you when the rest of the world can't? How can you when I can't?" He yelled.

Tyson stared in astonishment. "I don't understand what you're talking about," he said in a whisper at last and Kai prayed to the Lord for strength.

"I will not leave you," Kai vowed, sounding angrier than ever. "I will not use you." He touched his forehead to Tyson's not giving a fuck about who might be watching. "I will never be selfless, Tyson, but I can't lose to you, either."

"Hm?" Tyson peered at him in confusion. Kai adjusted the position of his palms on his face and kissed his pretty mouth. Putting ample pressure into it so that the hurricane of feelings in his body were at least partly relayed to Tyson. He pulled away a few seconds later, but only to draw him into a tight hug. "This isn't a competition,'' whispered Tyson.

''No, but I won't let you turn me into the bad guy. If you can do it, then I can do it too.''

I will love you without expectations. I will do it even if I have millions of years of evolution working against me.

"Do what?''

Kai grudgingly whispered in his ear so nobody else could hear: "Love you"

He felt Tyson's smile through the shirt on his shoulder.

A/N: Buenos, queridas. I like to call this chapter ''Tyson and Kai falling in love unconsciously and Kai hating(loving) every last bit of it.'' Babies, I know it's been long. I know the chapter is short. There's a longer one coming soon. Very soon. I had exams. That's why I've been AWOL. I haven't written in a while and a break usually makes me rusty so I chose to restart with what I'm comfortable with and love writing, i.e., TyKa! So you'll be seeing me around more. Those who are still around, thank you for putting up with my bullshit. I love you. Leave a review. Take care. See you very soon.