Remus wondered if he would ever be able to see Dumbledore without feeling instantly like a child again. He wondered if the others felt like that too. What about Kingsley, Frank and Alice, even Moody? Did Dumbledore have the power to reduce them all to fifteen years old in an instant in the way he could so easily do with Remus?
He sat straight and tall, meeting the headmasters gaze straight on. Inside he was small.
"You were remarkably convincing the last time we spoke of this matter, which makes it difficult for me to proceed based only on your word," said Dumbledore, and somehow it sounded like a compliment. Like he was impressed at Remus' ability to fool him.
He supposed that was probably warranted. After all, he wouldn't have been suitable for these missions at all if he wasn't a proficient liar.
"I understand your concern, Professor, however circumstances are different than the last time we spoke about this. I wasn't ready to admit to the problem then. I am now. I'm working on it. Have Madam Pomfrey run whatever test she likes and you'll see," he explained diplomatically.
"That is good news indeed. Still, be that as it may, Sirius was clearly under the impression that these missions are putting undue pressure on you," said Dumbledore gently.
He wasn't offering the details of what Sirius had actually told him. Remus knew he wouldn't, even if he asked. Dumbledore was watching him, waiting to see what he would admit to on his own, hoping he would fill in whatever gaps Sirius had left unwittingly. Remus had seen him do it with other people before. He's done it with Remus before. He knew that people felt compelled to justify themselves to him, but Remus wasn't going to do that this time.
How much had Sirius actually said? Did he know about the incident with the pills and the roof? Just how pathetic had he made him sound? If he wanted anything out of Remus, he'd have to force it out of him.
"Sirius has his reasons for worrying. I won't pretend I've been an easy person to live with, but he's also stressed. Paranoid. He sees horrible things in his work, and everyone is on edge because of the spy. If you think I'm not fit for the mission, that's your call to make. I only suggest that Sirius, whilst well meaning, is not offering the most objective judgement on the matter," said Remus calmly.
Dumbledore pressed his fingertips together, leaning back slightly.
"You and Sirius are both so young, in a situation that nobody should ever find themselves in. It's only natural that you would have your difficulties. However, I think you understand how vital it is that your work remains secret. You are unprotected when you are in the field. Even I do not have sway in those communities," said Dumbledore seriously. "It concerns me greatly that Sirius is attempting to interfere. He has been known to be stubborn," he said with a hint of affection. "If he cannot convince me to agree to his wishes, then it is not outside the realm of possibility that he will turn to your friends to find alternative methods of intervention. The more people know, the more exposed you will be."
Remus put his hands in his pockets, furrowing his brow. Dumbledore was right. Sirius could do something reckless. He trusted all of his friends implicitly, but there was no room to work around their interference.
"I can't talk to him about this anymore. I have to stop telling him when I'm leaving or where I'm going," said Remus heavily.
He found that to be a very dark thought. He'd only just come to a point where he truly had nothing left to hide from Sirius. He didn't want to take a step back. Fuck him. Fuck him for putting him in this position.
"I think that would be for the best," Dumbledore agreed. "You will still be going forward with this mission. I do want to be clear, this is not a decision I have come to lightly. This work is vital and you alone are capable of doing it." Remus felt a prideful glow. He alone could do it. "Nevertheless, if at any point I come to feel that the risk you pose to yourself is too great, I will not hesitate to pull you out," he finished with a piercing look.
Remus didn't say anything, just nodded. The glow fizzled out in an instant. The risk he posed to himself. It seemed pathetic, to have to justify being allowed to do something that he hated so deeply, something that had hurt him so much. He needed it. He needed to be useful, to be able to do something, anything to protect the people he loved. To have his condition be an attribute for once.
He needed to be more than the addict. The fuckup. Apparently that's all he was to Sirius now. Not even good enough to for the fucking war.
Dumbledore went on to explain the details of his new procedure. He would be seeing Madam Pomfrey before he left, to run those tests he had suggested. He would be seeing her immediately after completing the mission for the same reason. There would be no more taking him at his word that he wasn't using. He was less than excited about this humiliating process.
There would be no more discussion of his missions with Sirius. He would not give any warning before leaving. He would simply go. The best he could offer was a note so that Sirius knew he hadn't gone missing. He would not say for how long he was going, or to where. He would not discuss it after the fact. There was no going back on Sirius knowing about the missions altogether, but after demonstrating his willingness to meddle in something so important, Sirius could not be trusted not to interfere.
"There is one more thing before you go," said Dumbledore. Remus responded with an inquisitive stare, very much ready for the conversation to be over. "I was hoping you would speak with Simon."
"Has he gotten himself into more trouble?" asked Remus, trying to hide his discomfort. He hadn't seen or heard from Simon since the disastrous end to their meeting in The Three Broomsticks.
"Nothing of the sort. He has seen a remarkable improvement in his behavior and is currently flourishing, dare I say. Whatever you said to him on your last visit seemed to have had an impact. He was, however, asking after you the last time we spoke," explained Dumbledore.
It seemed Dumbledore had anticipated a yes, as he informed Remus that Simon was expecting him.
He found him on the grounds, down by the lakeside. The weather had been getting warmer and it was a lovely day. Remus thought of simpler times, sitting in the sun by the waterside with his friends. Sirius and James throwing increasingly large objects into the lake, trying to get a rise out of the squid. Laying in the soft grass, Sirius enjoying the jealous looks from the nearby girls as he kissed him.
Simon glanced up nervously as Remus walked over and sat beside him. He seemed bashful. Guilty. Very unlike what Remus had come to know from him.
"It's good to see you, Simon," said Remus warmly.
He'd been anxious as soon as Dumbledore had mentioned his name. They had parted so poorly the last time. Simon's words had been floating around his head ever since, a stark judgment of his lacking character.
Then he saw him. Then he saw him sitting there, picking at the grass, shoes and socks discarded off to his side. He saw him and remembered that he was just a kid. A kid who'd been through too much and managed to come out of it as a smart, decent, strong-willed individual who got upset and said some harsh words. Suddenly, he didn't feel so anxious anymore.
"Is it? I figured you'd want to punch me for being such a prick last time we talked," said Simon with an awkward laugh.
"Oh yeah, coming to schools to beat up minors is a favorite hobby of mine," Remus joked.
Simon seemed to ease up a little at Remus' good humor. He'd obviously been expecting things to be much more uncomfortable. Remus was glad to see him relax, though the sheepish demeanor didn't go away completely.
"Look, I'm- I wanted to apologize," Simon said, rubbing at the nape of his neck. "I shouldn't have said all that stuff."
"Thank you." A beat. "You were right. Everything you said was accurate," admitted Remus matter-of-factly.
"Oh," said Simon, taken aback by the admission. "Well, you too. I'm starting to figure it all out a bit more, how things work here. You were right, I don't want to live like my parents, or like I did in the packs."
Remus nodded. "I'm glad to hear that."
They enjoyed a short silence, the sun warm upon Remus' face. Simon looked back over to him, squinting a little against the light.
"Are you still- I mean it's fine, I don't care what you do, but you seem… better," said Simon.
"I am," said Remus with a small smile. "I've been clean about a month. Still early days but, you know, I don't want to live like that anymore either."
"Cool," said Simon approvingly. "That's cool, man, good for you."
"Thanks. So how did it go with your sister?"
Simon beamed at that, sitting up straighter. He was buzzing with excitement all of a sudden.
"I'll be moving in as soon as we hit summer break. We had the whole talk and she was pretty freaked out, but she got over it. I mean not right away. It took her a couple of weeks and honestly she's still a little weird about it, but she's on board. She said she was just happy to finally have family that didn't suck."
"That's great," he said sincerely.
"Hey," Simon started, rubbing at the back of his neck again. "So I've actually been wanting to ask you something. If you don't mind."
"Whatever you want," he said with some concern.
"It's about your scars. When you were in school, how did you stop other kids asking about them? What did you tell them?"
Remus looked at him a little sadly. "You have some new scars, Simon?" he asked gently.
Simon nodded. He rolled up one sleeve revealing a long slash down the back of his arm. He pulled down his shirt collar, showing one across his chest just bellow his collarbone. He pushed his sleeves down again and straightened out his shirt.
"It's that fucking shack, it makes the wolf crazy. It's not like it was out in the woods," he said, falsely casual.
Remus felt his stomach turn at the mention of the shack. He'd give anything in the world not to ever have to step foot in there again. It broke his heart to picture Simon in that place.
"Well, it was a little different for me. I already had so many scars before I came here, so if I wore clothes that kept me covered most of the time, the other kids didn't really notice when I got more. I told everyone I'd been in an accident as a child," he explained. "There were a few times it became an issue. When I did this," he pointed at the largest scar on his face, "it was the middle of the school term. I told everyone that I got fucked up by the Whomping Willow because I thought I could outrun it and get to the middle. The trick is to say something that makes you sound stupid enough that nobody would believe you're making it up."
"That's probably better than what I've been doing. One of the guys in my dorm saw a couple of the ones on my arm and I just told him to get fucked and mind his own business. I'm pretty sure he thinks I did it to myself, which I guess is technically true, but like, on purpose. He's been really, obnoxiously nice since then," said Simon with an eyeroll.
Remus chuckled a little at that. "At least he cares."
"I guess. We're sort of friends now, actually. I've never really had proper friends." Simon grimaced dramatically at that. "I sound so fucking lame, 'oh poor little friendless weird kid with the weird family' ugh. I'm fine, everything's pretty good actually. It's just strange."
They continued to talk for a while longer. Simon seemed very relieved to have someone to discuss his concerns with. He had his sister now, but he was still just getting to know her. It was a bit cathartic for Remus, too. Before Simon he was the only lycanthrope to ever attend Hogwarts that he knew of. He'd never had someone in his life who understood that experience before. It was nice.
His good mood from seeing Simon was gone as soon as he stepped out of the Hogwarts gates.
Remus went home. Sirius was still at work as he packed his backpack. Sirius had ruined it. He'd finally gotten to a point where he had nothing to hide from him. Where he could speak openly to at least one person in his life. He'd needed that. He needed it more than he could possibly say. Fuck Sirius. Fuck him for taking that away. For once again leaving him alone with this burden.
He left a note on the kitchen bench. 'I'll be back in a few weeks.' Vague. Empty. The most he could offer.
Remus left before Sirius got home.