Green-Eyed Anti-Fairy
Sum: Anti-Juandissimo and Anti-Wanda just happen to run into each other for the first time.
The recess's bell rang and, as always, Ms. Magister poofed Blaine, Dillan, and Maria outside. She used a pixie wand since her wand went missing recently and a replacement wand hadn't arrived yet. Also as always, Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda were completely un-interrupted by the bell.
"You two know you don't have to stay in here, right?" Ms. Magister asked rhetorically.
"There's no point in going out there," complained Anti-Cosmo. "I can't do anything fun because the second one of those elitist patrolling fairies sees a blue suit doing anything even the slightest bit unorthodox, I get shipped right back here with an unwanted dose of dreadful fairy magic. Might as well cut out the middleman and never leave."
"Anti-Blonda told me to stay in here," Anti-Wanda said.
Anti-Cosmo looked at her, intrigued. "Really? Why? She knows I'm here too, right?"
Anti-Wanda shrugged. "I dunno why, but it was a looong time ago. The last time I went to recess, somebody poured chocolate milk on me and it was super yucky, then Anti-Blonda told me to stay in here for recess."
"How unfortunate," Anti-Cosmo said. While what he said did sound a little sarcastic, he did mean it, but he didn't mind the story as much as he probably should have. It was a bit hard to feel emotion for a story that he knew full well that if it was regular milk instead of chocolate, Anti-Wanda would have viewed it as a great experience.
The class fell into a silence that was quickly broken by Maria being poofed back into the room. "Maria, how many times do I have to tell you, don't try to leave the playground," she said, parroting what Ms. Magister constantly told her.
Ms. Magister sighed. "You kids, I swear."
The classroom's door swung open, and everybody looked at the door guessing it was the leprechauns, but it actually wasn't. Instead, it was a teenaged anti-fairy. He had pitch-black hair that pulled back into a tight ponytail and wore three layers of coats over his already layered school uniform. Only one of his red eyes were showing, since he was holding the second one. In his other hand, he was holding one of those magical writing devices that people have been calling "pencils". He slouched as he floated with a body that was scrawnier and paler than most anti-fairies. Other than that, he looked pretty normal.
Anti-Wada seemed immediately mesmerized by him.
"Is there an Anti-Wanda in here?" he asked. He had a Brazillian accent.
"Yeah, why?" Ms. Magister asked.
"I was on the way to the nurse's office when I found a hyperventilating anti-fairy who started saying that I was 'the answer' or something and told me to give this pencil to an Anti-Wanda that apparently is in here."
Anti-Cosmo shrugged. "A bit strange, but it sounds like something Anti-Blonda would do. This is Anti-Wan da by the way." He pointed to her as she stared in awe at the new anti-fairy.
"Okay, here you go…" he placed the pencil in front of Anti-Wanda.
She smiled at the boy and giggled. "Hi, I'm Anti-Wanda Anti-Fairywinkle. What's your name?"
"Anti-Juandissimo Anti-Magnifico."
'Anti-Juandissimo,' Anti-Cosmo thought. 'Where have I heard that name before?'
"Do you only have one eye, Anti-Juandissimo?" Anti-Wanda asked.
He shook his head. "No. I got hit with a ball during recess. Don't feel bad, I probably deserved it. I should get going back to the nurse's office."
Anti-Wanda jumped up and floated awfully close to Anti-Juandissimo, smiling wider. "Can I go with you?"
Anti-Juandissimo was obviously weirded out. "Uuuuuuumm… I mean… I don't see why you'd want to but sure…"
"Cool~" Anti-Wanda cooed. The two poofed away together.
Anti-Cosmo was looking at where they were. "What?" He asked. "Why?"
Jumping up and down, Maria laughed. She ran up and hugged Anti-Cosmo, who was still too confused by what just happened with Anti-Wanda to poof out of it. "Maria and Anti-Cosmo recess! Maria and Anti-Cosmo time! Maria and Anti-Cosmo can play Maria and Anti-Cosmo games with Maria and Anti-Cosmo toys."
Anti-Cosmo undistracted himself and poofed out of the hug. "Toys, that's it! That's where I heard that stupid name before! Fairy-Wanda wouldn't shut up about fairy-him when we waited outside of detention because of those plumpet things. Fairy-Wanda must be friends or something with Fairy-Juandissimo."
"I've seen Juandissimo, and Wanda's a teen. It's the 'or something'," Ms. Magister said.
"Well, regardless of what that means, it must be inherent-opposite-magic. So it depends on Wanda really. I'll probably have to sabotage Wanda's friendship."
"Maria and Anti-Cosmo can work together. What's gonna work? Teamwork!"
"I don't need your help," Anti-Cosmo said. "I won't have anybody helping me when I take over Anti-Fairy World; I don't need anybody's help now. Besides, how can a forest elf help me? At least North Pole elves have Christmas magic or something."
Maria didn't respond. She just giggled. Seeing nothing better to do, Anti-Cosmo poofed away to try and reclaim his friend.
"It's an outrage!" Anti-Cosmo complained. It was a recess again a couple of days later, and Anti-Cosmo was pacing in the air. His arms were crossed and he was glaring at the ground, despite talking to Maria. "I've tried everything and Anti-Wanda is still hanging out with that self-hating stick of an anti-fairy!"
"Why do you care so much? She hangs out with you all day," Blaine asked. He and Dillan were also inside for recess. In fact, all of the usual class members were there besides Anti-Wanda.
Anti-Cosmo scoffed at Blaine's words. "ShE HaNgS oUt WiTh YoU aLl Day," he said in a mocking voice, using a terrible Irish accent. "Hardly. We only see each other during this class! Before school, after school, and during recess is now onion-boy's time with her. That's time I usually spend with her! What am I supposed to do during those times? Talk to others? I'd rather die."
Ms. Magister raised an eyebrow and looked up from her paperwork to see the young anti-fairy. "Onion-boy?"
"It's because he wears thousands of layers of clothing," Anti-Cosmo said. "I hate it. Yeah, I loathe myself as much as the next guy, but appearance is hardly the thing I hate most. Having the audacity to call yourself ugly despite having red eyes. And that pale clammy skin. Anti-fairies moon bath for weeks to try and get a complexion like that. Anti-Blonda thinks I'm a 'bad influence', but he's worse!" His crossed arms gained fists at the end of them as his teeth clenched. "That beguiling, prerogative, dejective ingrate! And such an acolyte! I've threatened him, and all he retorts back with is 'I'll deserve it, I suck, woe is me,'" he fake gagged. "Eminently odious."
"Is that all you did, Mr. Thesaurus?" Ms. Magister asked.
"No. I went to fairy Juandissimo and told him everything terrible about fairy Wanda, which is a lot, and despite all that he claimed that his heart will 'always pine for the sweet pink curls of Wanda's embrace'. Also quite odious. To make things worse, the hideous fairy ripped his shirt off and started monologing about Wanda. I've tried so many other things too and nothing works! I don't know what else I could do."
"Have you ever tried being happy that Anti-Wanda has another friend?" Blaine asked.
Anti-Cosmo rolled his green eyes at the suggestion. "Yuck. As if. I don't have any other friends and never will, so she doesn't need any either. More friends just get in the way. That's why I'm going to take over Anti-Fairy World all by myself."
"Did you know-" Maria said. She didn't continue.
"Did I know what?" Anti-Cosmo asked.
"Maria, if you want something say please," she said.
Anti-Cosmo looked skeptical at the elf. "You expect me to go up nicely to Anti-Juandissimo and say please?"
Clapping, Maria laughed. "Anti-Cosmo said please! Anti-Cosmo want together! Charm charm charming! Yes please!"
He tilted his head. "Huh?"
"Maria and Anti-Cosmo help!" Maria jumped up and ran to her backpack, then pulled out an old-looking book. Running back to where Anti-Cosmo was, she flipped it to the right page and showed it to him. "Charm charm charming charm charming! Yes, yes please says Anti-Cosmo!"
Anti-Cosmo stared blankly at the book. "Um, you know I can't read right?"
"Anti-Cosmo says yes," Maria told him.
"No," Anti-Cosmo said. "I'm not going to blindly agree to something."
For a second of silence, Maria just stared at him. She handed him the book, which he started holding, staring at it, trying fruitlessly to distinguish letter from letter and word from word. As said, it wasn't successful.
The elf started running around the class, giggling, until she got back to her backpack. She picked it up and headed back to the anti-fairy. "Maria helps Anti-Cosmo," she said. From her backpack, she pulled Ms. Magister's original wand.
"Hey, it cost good money to replace that," Ms. Magister said. "What are you even-" Before the teacher could finish, Maria and Anti-Cosmo poofed away.
They reappeared in the forest, Anti-Cosmo coughing from the magic. "Where'd you poof me too. I didn't consent to this. I have to get back to school or else… I don't know, something might happen. Anti-Schnozmo will probably cry. I don't know why, or even how, but he's been acting weirder than usual recently."
"Okay, Anti-Cosmo will stop talking now and read Anti-Cosmo recipe," Maria told him.
"Wow, so demanding." He put the book on the floor. "And I can't do either anyway. Too illiterate and talkative. You've got the opposite problem, so why don't you read it?"
Maria just stared at the floor for a while. Taking advantage of the silence, Anti-Cosmo looked around to pinpoint his location. It was definitely Earth, he could feel the dirt when placing the book, but where on Earth was the question. Earth basically all looked the same to him. It would take ages to find the anti-bridge, so Maria and her fairy wand was basically his only chance of returning home any time soon. 'Just great,' he thought sarcastically. 'How can she even use fairy magic in the first place? She's an elf, and a forest elf at that. All they can do is…' "Oh, it's a book of charms, isn't it."
"Charm charm charming charm."
"You want me to use a charming charm to get rid of Anti-Juandissimo? And by charming, you mean 'pleasant or attractive', right?"
Maria nodded, giggling. "Say yes please."
"No," Anti-Cosmo said. "That'll never work. Only dark elf charms work on anti-fairies, and you aren't a dark elf. At least, I don't think you are. This book definitely isn't a dark elf book though, so it's still useless."
Maria started tapping the book on the floor. "Anti-Cosmo charm. Anti-Cosmo charming charm."
"I'm an Anti-Fairy, the charm won't work on me either. I'd have to give it to Cosmo to make any change." Anti-Cosmo tapped his chin in thought. "That actually isn't half bad of an idea…" he shook the thought out of his head. "No, charms almost always have negative side effects that make it largely not worth it. I don't want to deal with that, and Cosmo is too smart to just let me charm him."
"No." Maria flipped the book upside down and pointed at it. "Anti-Cosmo charm, not for Anti-Cosmo."
"If it's not for me, is it for Anti-Wanda? If I don't want to give myself negative side effects, I definitely don't want to give her any. Anti-Juandissimo on the other hand, I don't care about him or Juandissimo."
Jumping up and down, Maria smiled. "Yes, yes, now Anti-Cosmo charm!"
"But if I give a charming charm to Juandissimo, it would make him look and act better according to fairy standards. Anti-Juandissimo will become irresistible to anti-fairies, so it's the opposite of what I want." Anti-Cosmo didn't get anything useful out of Maria in response, she just kept jumping. He looked to the, now upside down, book and realized what Maria was trying to say this whole time. "You want me to make the charm's ingredients their opposites, so we can make an anti-charming charm and give that to Juandissimo. In turn, it'll make Anti-Juandissimo the bad kind of revolting, and Anti-Wanda won't like him at all anymore!" as he talked through the plan, it made him more excited. "And it won't even affect me because Juandissmo and his opposite don't matter to me and mine at all! All it'll do is ruin Wanda's friendship, and strengthen mine and Anti-Wanda's! This plan is amazing!"
Maria laughed. "Amazing, amazing! Maria is amazing!" She flipped the book over and started reading the ingredients one by one. Anti-fairies have a knack for knowing the exact opposite of anything, so he reverses each ingredient and tells Maria the new one. Forest elves also have a knack, but it's for finding anything in a forest. Maria runs away and poofs back with the correct amount of that new anti-ingredient. It was a fairly efficient way of making the anti-charm.
Back in the spellementary school, Anti-Wanda poofed into the room and looked around. "Where's Anti-Cosmo?"
"You know two other people are missing too, right?" Blaine asked.
"Really? Who? Where'd they all go?"
Blaine rolled his eyes and got back to his task. Since he didn't help much, Anti-Wanda asked Dillan the same thing. He just kind of smiled and shrugged. There wasn't much else he could do.
"It's still recess," Blaine said. "Why don't you go hang out with your other anti-fairy buddy?"
Anti-Wanda sighed. "I dunno… It just kinda feels different. I don't like how sad he is all the time. And he doesn't explain stuff real good. I don't really want to be his friend anymore."
The blind leprechaun smiled a little. "Oh, the irony. It's like a play."
"Huh?" Anti-Wanda questioned. The leprechauns didn't elaborate.
What caught her attention next was Ms. Maister poofing in with a random pixie. "So the suit trackers are useless because they suck, not because they made it down to Earth. She's an elf for Pete sake, she can't just poof to Earth. Use your fancy boring magic to actually find them." The pixie nodded, then started using his wand like a metal detector.
"Ms. Magister, where's Anti-Cosmo?" Anti-Wanda asked.
"With that thief that's going to get me fired."
"What do you mean?" Anti-Wanda asked, but she didn't get a reply.
"This is great!" Anti-Cosmo said. He was holding the newly finished anti-charming charm, not worried about being charmed himself because A. he's an anti-fairy, and B. Maria would have to say magic words to activate it.
"Great, great!" Maria smiled. She raised the wand, then looked at Anti-Cosmo. "Fairy World, yes please?"
Bracing himself for the fairy magic, he said "yes please." He's never really liked saying please, or saw the point in it, but Maria seemed to like it, so he might as well.
With that, the two poofed away to Juandissimo's house. The time they spent on Earth was long enough for school to finish. Lucky for them, Juandissimo takes a beauty nap every day after he gets home, and he sleeps like a rock. His slumber wasn't bothered in the slightest as an elf and anti-fairy poofed in with their own wands, or as they talked rather loudly.
Anti-Cosmo had a huge grin on his face as he floated over the slumbering fairy. The charm got placed onto Juandissimo, making it glow. All that was left now was an elf saying the magic words and the charm would be binded to him forever. Or until the same elf that charmed him uncharms him, but Maria had no intention of undoing it. "This will teach Anti-Juandissimo," Anti-Cosmo said. "What a great plan."
Maria laughed. "Yes yes, what a great Maria plan. Maria and Anti-Cosmo are best friends."
"Wait, what?" Anti-Cosmo questioned. Best friends. Anti-Cosmo never considered anybody but Anti-Wanda to be even a friend, let alone a best one. Two friends? Anti-Cosmo started thinking 'is Maria my friend? We did spend all day together' That led him to thinking about what Blaine said. 'Have you ever tried being happy that Anti-Wanda has another friend?'
"Maria say words now?" Maria asked, breaking Anti-Cosmo out of his thoughts.
"The definition of friend is strange, don't you think so?" Anti-Cosmo felt Maria's yellow eyes staring at him. It was making the silence deafening. "Like, you know, it's proper definition is just 'a person one knows and likes', but based on how fiction presents it, the connotations seem deeper, don't they?" More silence and staring. "I'm not being a hypocrite, am I?"
Maria laughed. "Hypocrite," she said. She wasn't trying to call Anti-Cosmo a hypocrite, she just liked the word because it reminds her of Santa Clause. Naturally, the anti-fairy didn't see it that way.
He glanced down at Juandissimo, a fairy he had only met out of jealousy... out of revenge. And for what? Sighing, he grabbed the charm off of the fairy. "It's not worth it. I guess I should say thanks for the help though."
Maria tilted her head in confusion. "Maria say words now? Yes or no?"
"No. You should get back to the school. Somebody is probably looking for you."
Anti-Cosmo was looking at the floor, floating lower than normal. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Maria hold out the wand as if to say 'want to come with me?'
"You can just poof yourself. Fairy magic, you know?" he said.
Fairy magic was the least of his problems, but Maria was bad at catching social cues so she thought nothing of it and poofed away. Now, being alone, Anti-Cosmo floated down to sit on the floor and hung his head backward. "What am I doing? I hate Fairy World, and I'm barely even allowed to come here. Do I honestly hate your opposite that much?" He was talking to the still-dead-asleep Juandissimo so he didn't feel like a crazy person talking to himself. It wasn't much better honestly.
Juandissimo responded in snores. Moving his head to be on his knees, Anti-Cosmo sighed again. "When did I become so codependent? You don't know this, since you hardly know me, but it wasn't always like this. I used to not care about being replaced. But then Anti-Wanda came along and just inserted herself into my life to ruin it. And I fell for it like an idiot. I can't have happiness; every time I do it just gets used to make the lows seem worse and worse. I shouldn't feel guilty if I ruin a small part of Anti-Wanda's life to try and make mine better again, she did it first. But I do. It's all her fault, and Maria's fault, and friendship's fault! Why can't I just live without attachments to anything? I know I shouldn't get attached to anything because mother's right and life sucks and I won't accomplish anything in life because I'm pathetic and useless and she deserves better than me and anything is better than me and-and… and" While talking he closed his eyes, and was closing them tighter and tighter as he continued. A sudden knock at the door made his eyes shoot open to be bombarded with bright colors. All that he could think was 'still in Fairy World! Not good!' He jumped into the air, quickly wiped around his eyes, and started fumbling with his wand.
"Juandissimo," the voice from outside said. It sounded familiar to Anti-Cosmo, familiar enough for him not to poof away, but it was too muffled by the door to pinpoint exactly who it was from. "I can kind of hear you and what you're saying. I just wanted to let you know that it's not true. Nobody is worthless, even you." Anti-Cosmo floated closer to the door. "I know we broke up, and I'm the last person you want to hear from right now, but life isn't all bad. You'll find happiness again with somebody else, I promise."
"But I don't want to find it again," Anti-Cosmo replied.
"Wait, what?" the voice said. "You're not-" the door opened, revealing to Anti-Cosmo that Wanda was behind the door. "What the hell! What are you doing here!" her eyes shifted to beside him. "What did you do to Juandissimo?!" she went to the sleeping fairy's side just to see that he was, in deed, just asleep.
"Nothing," Anti-Cosmo said. "He was like this when I got here. Granted, he can sleep through bloody anything. It's a bit alarming. As for why I'm here, an elf and I were going to charm him into being hideous so you'd hate him."
"Why?!"
"As if I'd tell you. Anyway, you're welcome. I didn't charm him. You can keep your attention consuming best friend all you want."
"Best friend?" Wanda questioned. "We aren't friends, we just broke up! I was coming over to drop off all 20 of his hairbrushes that he left in my house when I heard you crying like a baby in somebody else's home."
"Stop accusing me of crying, Fairy."
"Then stop crying, Anti-Fairy."
"No, you stop being the exact opposite of someone remarkable."
Groaning, Wanda rolled her eyes. She started floating away. "Wait where are you going? I'm not done insulting you," Anti-Cosmo said.
"I'm going to Bunsen Creamery to meet with my miserable friends. No anti-fairies allowed. They still remember you from last time." With that, she left.
Bunsen Creamery was the place Cosmo poofed him a couple of years ago. It was actually the first time he'd met Wanda too. While raising his wand to poof away, he got an idea. "You know what, I'll show her. I'll give her a friend then she'll know what it feels like to have happiness just so it'll be ripped away! Or at least he will!" He started poofing his small distances, but not in the direction of Anti-Fairy World.
Cosmo was in his room, humming the elevator music that was stuck in his head, when he was interrupted by someone outside his window whispering 'Cosmo'. The fairy hopped up into the air. "Schnozmo, your back!" He exclaimed. With a quick poof, he was outside to see his caller was not his brother, but instead his opposite. For some reason, this made Cosmo smile wider. "Not-me! It's been so long!"
"Yeah, it's been like a ye-" Anti-Cosmo started, but he stopped as Cosmo hugged him. Never before in his life did he ever want to die as much as he did in that moment. Gagging, he poofed out of the hug in record time. "You're making me regret everything," he hissed.
"Regret? What's that?"
Anti-Cosmo sighed. The less time he spent with his opposite the better, so he carried on. "I need you to go to Bunsen Creamery. There's a girl fairy there with pink eyes and hair. Get her attention. Befriend her. Make her latch onto you like a leach."
"Okay!"
Anti-Cosmo raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Aren't you curious as to why I'm asking you to do this?"
"No."
"Well, it's to ruin her and/or your life."
"Okay."
'That genius sees right through me, doesn't he?' Anti-Cosmo thought. He knew full well that was hardly the reason he was doing this. Any anti-fairy worth their spilt salt had tried to ruin a fairy's life, but trying to make a fairy happy in a desperate attempt to make themselves happy is unheard of. He'd be a bigger freak than he already is. "Please don't tell anybody about this," he said.
"You got it, not-me! What ice cream flavor do you want me to get you?"
"I don't-"
Cosmo laughed, cutting him off. "You're right, what a silly question. Of course, you'd want our favorite: bacon flavored! I'll get you one!" He poofed away in a cloud of smoke saying 'ice cream'.
Anti-Cosmo shook his head. "This was stupid. Why'd I even try…" he started poofing himself back home little by little.
Cosmo appeared in one of his favorite ice cream parlors.
The furry blue creature working behind the counter immediately recognized him. "Cosmo! The usual?"
"Yep! And something else too…" Cosmo fought for a second, already forgetting what Anti-Cosmo 'wanted'. "It was… uh… pink?"
"We've got pink milkshakes," the worker said. "Want that?" Cosmo nodded. "Coming right up!" And since it was a magical creamery, it literally came right up within seconds, the creature pulling the order out of his hair. Cosmo happily took his order, said thanks, and started floating to a table, not even waiting to start devouring his ice cream.
As he floated, something caught his eye. At a table in front of him sat an honestly pretty bored looking fairy and her friends, but that fairy had the swirliest, pinkest hair he'd ever laid eyes on. It took all of his attention, so he didn't even realize how close he was getting, or how low he was flying.
His foot hit a loose tile, causing him to trip and stumble into the pink-haired fairy's lap. The milkshake flew out of his hand and spilled all over the table and the fairies at it.
Cosmo started flying again, licking some of the shake off of his arms. "Woops, sorry."
Three of the four fairy girls glared at him, as the fourth one giggled. "What were you thinking! This shirt is brand new!" One girl hissed.
"You ruined our day," another whined.
"Jorgen says that I'm never thinking," Cosmo said. This comment made the one girl laugh harder. "And your day's not ruined; getting a milkshake spilled on you is the best! Not only do you get to eat some, but you get a fun game of 'find the milkshake'!" He started licking his arm again. "Plus, you get a bath."
Most of the girls gagged in disgust, poofing themselves clean, but the laughing one didn't. She looked at Cosmo with her big pink eyes. "You're cute," she said.
Cosmo smiled. "Thank you. My mom likes to tell me to be glad that I'm cute whenever I'm in trouble. Is this like that?"
The girl laughed again. "No, you're just cute." She held out her milkshake covered hand. "I'm Wanda."
"My name is Cosmo."
Anti-Cosmo poofed into his house to be greeted by a poof. Assuming it was Anti-Schnozmo going to complain about him ditching school, Anti-Cosmo started floating past it, ignoring it.
"I found you~" The poofer said.
Anti-Cosmo looked to the poof. "Anti-Wanda?"
She nodded. "After you left school, I looked all over for you. It was really hard, 'cause nobody is real helpful like you are, but I got Anti-Blonda to bring me here. And I looked everywhere. I asked your brother, but he kept trying to poof me out of the house, so I stopped trying to talk to him. But then I was in your room and I found a lot of cool stuff, but still not you. I started to think 'I wish I had one of them Earth creatures that smell good, like with their noses'. But then, I thought 'hey, I have a nose.' So I started being the Earth creature and smelling the ground to find you. The only problem was everything smelt the same and I never made it out of your room, but I heard a poof and came here, and here was you! So, what were you doing? Was it fun?"
Anti-Cosmo floated there, speechless. "Y-you did all that to find me? What about Anti-Juandissimo?"
"He was fun for a bit, but then he was too sad. I like you more."
"I… I'm happy in your standards?"
Anti-Wanda tilted her head slightly. "Huh?"
"Nothing. Sorry I left school. Do you want to hear about my daring adventure to Earth and Fairy World?"
Her pink eyes glistened with excitement. "More than anything!"
A/N: there are, like, three different versions of how Cosmo and Wanda met, so I went with the one from Floating With You, but tweaked a little. Due to the age gap I made, Cosmo couldn't be working, so I changed some things around. Thanks for calling my story canon-like BTW, I do try. Feel free to comment any thoughts you gave of this chapter. Also, I should mention, despite their ages being like 3 and 80, because of the weird aging headcanon I have, they're more like 12/13 and 15/16. Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. I also redrew the cover, so I hope you like that too. Til next time~