Chapter 35

Levi was awake, but no one had realized it yet. That meant that he could think for a while without anyone hounding him to eat or to rest. He was still lying on a hospital bed, so true rest was impossible, but he wasn't going to be doing anything strenuous with all these witnesses.

He truly hoped that Tim would get out of this mind set because Tim was a better man than he was. The decision Tim had been making had come during a period of psychological breakdown. Levi had made the same decision completely in his right mind. He didn't want to see it happen, and he'd had a hand in Tim's initial breakdown, even if he'd tried to keep it from happening to some degree. Tim would be with his family now. He'd be getting help from Dr. Hicks. And that was all Levi could contribute for the moment. It was galling to admit it, even just to himself, but it was true. He'd got Tim to come back. That was a necessary step and so it was important, but he still wished that he could do more.

"Levi?"

He looked over and saw Tamara waking up. He appreciated that she was sleeping here. He knew he could handle it if she didn't, but he couldn't deny that he slept better with her close to him. He smiled.

"Good morning," he said.

"How are you feeling?" Tamara asked.

"Better."

"How much better?"

Levi smiled. "Better than yesterday, not better than I usually do. Good enough to go home today."

"Only if Dr. Owens approves."

"I know, but I'm being honest."

Tamara smiled. "You always are. But you also aren't immune to pushing your luck. Are you hungry?"

"Yes."

"I'll see about getting your breakfast... and Dr. Owens."

"Good."

Tamara left the room and Levi brought the bed up so he could sit normally. He really rather resented the fact that he'd managed to avoid hospitals for much of his time in the CIA only to wind up here because he got overexcited. It was ridiculous for someone like himself.

But it was reality.

The door opened, but it wasn't Tamara.

It was Bri. She walked over and looked at all the monitors and she checked his chart.

"You really shouldn't be doing that, you know. Only my doctor is supposed to be looking at my chart," he said.

Bri put it back.

"That's because most people don't know what the charts really mean. It's the same reason patients don't always get to see their own x rays. They don't know what it all means and they end up drawing wrong conclusions."

"And, Dr. Carew? What's your diagnosis?" Levi asked.

Bri raised an eyebrow at him.

"You'd be much closer to recovery if you hadn't insisted on running off two days ago. You might already be home."

"I'll get there," Levi said. "Today, I think."

"You think so?"

"Well, you can see my chart. You can see my improvement."

"You shouldn't have had to be here at all, you know," Bri said.

"I know, but there are things more important."

"Like Agent McGee."

Levi heard what sounded like jealousy which was moderately amusing and moderately surprising.

"Like trying to help a person who I know needs it. No matter who."

"Since when do you feel that way?" Bri asked, sounding skeptical.

"Since I didn't have a job that dictated ignoring that on occasion."

Stymied by his easy answer, Bri looked away awkwardly. They were still not quite on the same page. Would it ever happen? Levi wasn't sure, but he knew that she felt some concern for his health. She just still didn't want to show it.

Then, the door opened and Tamara came back in.

"Bri, you're here early," she said.

"Our daughter came to invade my privacy," Levi said, smiling a little.

"What?"

"I was looking at Dad's chart," Bri said.

Tamara rolled her eyes.

"You two." She sighed. "Well, Levi, you'll be happy to know that Dr. Owens agrees that you'll likely go home today, but he's going to make you promise to take it easy for the next week at the least. You're not going anywhere or doing anything that is the least bit strenuous while your heart recovers."

"Not surprising," Levi said. "If it means I can sleep in my own bed, I'll do it."

"As if that was really all you cared about," Tamara said.

"I never said it was," Levi said. "Have you heard anything about how Tim is doing?"

"No," Tamara said, shaking her head. "If he was as bad as he seemed to be, you know that it won't be fixed right away."

"I know."

He was interrupted by breakfast coming in. He ate it without complaint, letting Bri and Tamara talk, but his mind was still mostly on Tim and how he was doing now that he'd agreed to come home. He knew that he had to allow for his own recovery since Tim wouldn't be happy if he hurt himself while trying to help, but at the same time, if Tim really did try to escape it all again, in spite of the fact that Levi was sure he wouldn't...

"Levi, relax," Tamara said. "I can tell you're getting tense again. Just relax. That will help more than anything."

"Not more than anything," Levi said.

"More than most things," she said. "And I would be willing to bet that Tim would say the same thing."

"He probably would."

"Good. Then, listen to us."

Dr. Owens came in before he could think of a good retort.

"All right, Levi. I'm going to release you, but you absolutely are not ready to do anything but lay around. I know you hate having that restriction, but you need to follow it this time. You did a number on yourself and you need to give your heart time to recuperate."

"We both know it won't," Levi said, feeling a little bitter as he always did when it came to his health.

"Not fully, but that's nothing new. If you want to get back to your usual energy level, you need to give yourself time. Otherwise, it'll be worse."

"I know."

"Okay. Do what you know and you'll be feeling much better in a few days. But a full week before you start exerting yourself in any way. Seven days. No less than that."

"Understood."

The process of getting checked out took more than an hour, but finally, Levi was getting into a wheelchair and being pushed out of the hospital. He accepted that he wasn't being allowed to walk out and got in the car without comment.

The drive home was uneventful and when they arrived, Levi got out of the car on his own. He might still be weak, but he could walk into the house unassisted.

However, he could admit that he was a little tired out by it. So he walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, trying not to show just how tired that had made him. Tamara sat down beside him.

"Levi, how are you feeling?"

"A little tired. Not bad."

"Now, I am going to hold you to what Dr. Owens said, so please, make this easy for me to do."

Levi chuckled and looked at her. Then, he cupped his hand on her cheek.

"Only because I love you and I need you."

"I know."

Tamara smiled and covered his hand with her own.

"It's almost worth it," he said softly.

"What is?" Tamara asked.

"Being like this. I don't know if I could have got here without what happened."

"I'm sorry that you can't be as strong as you were, but I'm not sorry that I have you back."

"I'm glad."

Then, Levi leaned back on the couch and resigned himself to watching TV.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

The door buzzer went off just after breakfast, startling Zahara. Tim was still in the bedroom. He had actually slept through the night without waking, although the sleeping pills had probably had a lot to do with it. They were trying to help him get better and so if he was going to sleep in, for now, they would let him sleep the whole day if he needed to. Gibbs had taken him for a drive the day before in the afternoon. When he got back Zahara had asked what they talked about, and Tim had said nothing. They'd just driven around. Then, he had taken a nap. At some point, he'd need less sleep, but every day that he slept, there was a little less tension in his body as he moved through the house. Lessening his tension helped lessen Zahara's tension. It wasn't enough yet, but it was better.

With that thought, she answered the buzzer.

"Zahara, it is Ziva. May I come up?"

"Yes, of course," Zahara said. She let Ziva in and waited for her to arrive.

"Do you want to wake Tim up?" Sam asked. "I'm sure that's why she's here."

"It probably will be, but I don't want to wake Tim when he needs the sleep so much," Zahara said. "Ziva will understand."

"All right."

When Ziva got there a minute later, Naomi answered the door, telling Zahara to relax.

Ziva came in and was clearly looking around for Tim but not seeing him. Zahara smiled from her seat on the couch.

"Tim is still sleeping, Ziva," she said.

Ziva looked a little sheepish and then walked over to the couch to sit down.

"That is good. He needed sleep before," she said.

"Yes, he did."

"How is he?"

"Not very good," Zahara admitted. "But Dr. Hicks thinks it will just take some time for him to get mostly back to himself. He is seeing him every day and we hope that, inshallah, he'll... get better soon. But right now..."

"I see. How are you?"

"Afraid," Zahara said honestly. She rubbed her belly. "And I pray that our son will stay where he is until Tim is able to be happy again."

"Is there anything I can do?" Ziva asked. "I have taken a few days off from work. I can do whatever you need."

"There is one very simple thing."

"Yes?"

"Could you take Jethro for a walk? He cannot run any longer, but he has been cooped up inside for a long time because I cannot go."

Ziva looked surprised but then she smiled.

"Yes, Zahara. I will do that. In fact, I will do it every day until Tim can do it again."

"Oh, you don't have to do that."

"No, if that is what I can do to help, I will. I cannot fix Tim. I cannot help with anything else, and so, unless you do not want me to walk Jethro, I will do it."

Zahara took Ziva's hands and held them tightly.

"Thank you. You are all so good to us. Tim will be so glad that you were all there to help when he can think of it again. I hope it's soon that he can."

Ziva squeezed her hands back and then walked over to the terrace where Jethro lay panting.

"Jethro, would you like to go out?"

Zahara smiled as Jethro got to his feet and started wagging his tail. He walked and didn't jump around as he used to, but it was clear he was eager to get outside. Ziva put on the leash and then left.

Zahara leaned back on the couch, wondering why Ziva's simple act of taking Jethro out for a walk was making her feel so much better. It was nothing earth-shaking. It wasn't vital, but at the same time, it meant so much that Ziva, who was used to being in the thick of things, who preferred that, was willing to do this simple task.

Then, she heard something from the bedroom and she quickly got up to go in.

"Zahara, I can do it," Naomi said.

Zahara shook her head.

"No. For this, in the morning, it must be me." She headed for the bedroom but stopped beside Naomi. "There is so much I need you to do, but this is my task."

Naomi squeezed her shoulder and nodded. Zahara went into the bedroom and closed the door behind her to make sure that, if there was any trouble, Salma wouldn't be upset by it.

Tim was tossing back and forth on the bed, clearly agitated but still asleep. For a moment, she was afraid that Tim might do something to her while he slept, but then, she pushed that fear aside. Tim was her husband and she would help guide him back to the waking world as she had done before when he had bad dreams.

However, just saying that was not enough. She did need to be careful so that she didn't give Tim more reasons to be afraid of himself.

Carefully, she approached the bed and knelt down beside it rather than sitting on the mattress. Then, she reached out and took Tim's hand and held it tightly.

"Tim, I am here. You are not alone. Leave the dreams behind and come back to me. I am right here with you."

Tim moaned and tried to pull away from her. Zahara held on.

"You are not a prisoner. You are free, Tim. You are home. With me. You are just asleep and you need to wake up."

Tim rolled toward her and his eyes opened for a moment, but then they closed again. He started to shake.

"Can't..." he mumbled. "Can't... find..."

"I am here, Tim. Wake up."

Then, he started to squeeze her hand, almost painfully.

"Lost... Can't find..."

"Open your eyes, Tim. See me."

Tim's eyes opened and then closed and then opened again and closed.

Finally, he opened his eyes and they stayed open. He was breathing heavily, but he was really looking at her. She smiled at him and stroked his face.

"Are you awake now, Tim?" she asked.

He nodded without speaking.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

He nodded again and closed his eyes. His lower lip was shaking a little bit as he tried to get control of himself.

Now, Zahara got off the floor and sat on the bed beside him. She urged him to sit up and then she put her arms around him and she was glad to see that he actually relaxed against her. It was still not good that he was so upset and so fragile, but if he was looking to her for comfort, that was a good thing.

She would take what she could get right now.

"I am here with you, Tim, and I will not leave you. I love you so much."

Tim hadn't spoken yet, but he was sitting there with her.

Then, there was the sound of the door opening. Tim jumped.

"Don't worry, Tim. I am sure that it's Ziva."

"What?" Tim asked, actually speaking now. "Why?"

"She came to see how you were doing and to ask if there was anything she could do for us. I asked her to walk Jethro."

"And she did?"

"Yes, of course." Zahara smiled a little. "I'm sure that Ziva knows how to walk a dog."

As she'd hoped, Tim did laugh a little.

"I'm sure," he echoed.

"Come. You should get up and get ready so that you can eat breakfast and go to your appointment with Dr. Hicks."

Tim tensed again.

"This will help you, Tim."

And then, Tim showed another small sign that he was improving, ever so slightly.

"Logically... I know you're right, but most of me just can't even fathom it," he whispered.

"Then, trust me. If nothing else, just trust me."

Tim wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly.

"I can't lose you."

"You will not."

Then, Zahara urged him to get up. He did seem groggy and a little off-balance, but that was to be expected from the sleeping pills. She hoped that Tim wouldn't need them for long.

Once she got Tim into the bathroom, he did start doing things for himself, another small improvement. If this was what would keep happening, Zahara would wait as long as she needed to. These things were small, but small things could become big if given time.

So she waited while Tim got ready for the day. He didn't shower, but he did do everything else. Then, Zahara held out her hand to him and he took her hand and held it tightly, like she was a lifeline for him.

"I am with you, Tim."

"I need you," he said, softly.

"You have me."

Then, she led him out into the main room where Ziva was sitting, talking to Sam. She looked up and saw him, and Zahara was surprised to see Tim actually pull back just a little bit.

But Ziva stood and walked over to Tim.

"Tim, I am so glad you are safe again," she said softly.

"I'm sorry," Tim whispered.

"For what?"

"Ray."

Zahara saw some pain in Ziva's eyes but she smiled softly and shook her head.

"No, Tim. You have nothing to apologize for. You did not kill Ray. They did, and they will not be able to hurt others again. Ray saved you."

"Not worth it," Tim said, his voice choking up.

"It is," Ziva said. "...because that is what Ray would feel. He would feel that it was worth it. You know that, Tim. I know that you did not want anyone to die, but Ray was willing to. He said it before he went to get you. He said that he was willing to be the one taking the risk. For you."

"Still not worth it."

Then, Tim reached out and grabbed Ziva by the wrist, which seemed odd to Zahara, but Ziva just covered his hand with hers.

"You did not cause those wounds, and you did not cause me pain this time."

Then, Ziva hugged Tim and whispered something that Zahara couldn't understand. It was too soft and not English. Then, Ziva let Tim go and wiped away a tear of her own.

"I will come and walk Jethro tomorrow, Tim. Perhaps you will want to come with me?"

Tim shook his head. Ziva just nodded.

"I will see you tomorrow."

Zahara grabbed Ziva's hand.

"Thank you so much."

Ziva nodded and smiled. Then, she left.

"All right, Tim. It is time to have breakfast. Then, we will see Dr. Hicks."

Tim seemed tired again, but he nodded.

All was far from perfect, but there was something better and as Zahara sat down with Tim at the table while Naomi got breakfast ready for him, Tim looked at her and he tried to smile.

He almost made it that time.