The Demon Within
8/24/20
You can view this as separate from my previous chapter, "Alpha," or as a prequel to that chapter.
The Titans had been in the middle of fighting Mumbo Jumbo. Cyborg had just blasted the magician into a stack of crates beside Raven.
"Azarath, Metrion, Zin—MMPH!"
"Still need shorter magic words," he taunted her, springing up again.
Raven struggled to get the tape he'd thrown at her off of her mouth, but no matter how hard she pulled, it stuck to her. Mambo Jumbo plunged himself back into the fight...and she couldn't do anything.
Her teammates eventually got him with a well-placed shot from Robin's Bird-A-Rang, but Raven was still in a poor temper for the rest of the day. That'd be the last time she'd be a helpless bystander. As Cyborg drove them home, Raven formed a plan.
A crazy, ridiculous, dangerous plan.
"Let me get this straight," Cyborg said, after Raven had explained her idea to them. "You want us to let you unleash your uncontrollable demon side? While under attack?"
"Yes," Raven said. "It's not uncontrollable. I've managed it before. It's just...difficult."
"I understand you don't want to be defenseless," Robin said, his mouth pulled into a frown, "but this is a serious risk."
To her surprise, Beast Boy leaned over the table and waved at them as if they were being crazy. "C'mon, guys, it's Raven! We can trust her. And she beat big-horn-four-eyes dude, so this'll be easier."
"Trigon," Raven corrected. "But yes, him. That will make it easier."
"But why do you have to do this in the first place?" Cyborg argued. "Sure, we all have our weaknesses, but we're a team. We're supposed to have each other's backs."
Robin's frown deepened. "Is this because of Mumbo?"
"Partially," Raven admitted. "But this wasn't the first time someone rendered my powers useless." She didn't have to mention that one of the times had been inflicted by Robin himself; he glanced down, guilt flickering. "You are my teammates," she said, forcing Robin to meet her eyes. "My family… I don't want to ever stand by helpless again when I know I could've done something about it."
"Please, friend," Starfire said softly. "What does your strategy entail?"
Raven sighed. "This will take practice, of course. I'll need to be restrained with exceptionally high-grade material in a secure space."
"I can handle that," Cyborg said, albeit grudgingly.
Raven nodded. Then looked at each of her friends sternly in the eyes. "And all of you will have to be ready to take me down."
Silence. Even through her magical barriers, she could feel dread and concern rolling off her friends. No one liked this idea, and she couldn't blame them—she didn't like it much, either. But they had to understand this. "Whether I—or you—like it or not, I can destroy this world in a fortnight if I really wanted to. You need to make sure I am restrained."
Her friends gave her worried looks, but Robin nodded. "I don't like this," he said. "But if you're really determined to do this, then we have your back."
Raven ducked her head, so they couldn't see her smile. "Thank you."
Cyborg might not have been fully on-board with the plan, but he did love the challenge. He was practically beaming when he'd brought her into the safe room the following week, explaining how he'd triple-checked its security measures, calibrated the sensors, and reinforced everything with the newest technology he could get his hands on. "Heat-ray sensor, lasers, instant lock-down, we have it all!"
He bounded over to where two long lines of glimmering, silvery chains connected to cuffs laid on the ground, their ends anchored to the floor.
"These babies are my own special blend," he declared, and by the practically glowing expression of a proud father, he had every confidence in the chains. That was good enough for Raven.
But he continued. "Reinforced titanium, with a slight stainless steel finish to resist corrosion."
Raven focused her attention on the chains, each link about the size of her wrist.
"The secret ingredient is a blend of infused metals that should hold up to whatever magic stuff you throw at it."
Raven lightly pulled on the chains; at least a yard's worth dangled between her and its anchor.
"Now, you can still secure the place with your magic for extra security, but these babies can take whatever you'll throw at them."
"They're too long," she said, interrupting whatever else he was about to say. She rattled the length of chains. "I could choke you with them before you could defend yourself. Shorten them."
Cyborg blinked at her, glancing over her small, petite form in mild disbelief. She arched an eyebrow, her expression deadpan.
"I could do it."
He swallowed. "Um...right. I'll get right on that."
By the end of the week, the security measures were ready. With her team around them, Cyborg helped Raven step into the cuffs, ankling her feet to the ground and cuffing her hands to new chains. Cyborg had taken her word, and the chains barely had enough give for her to sit while levitating. Standing wasn't an option.
Raven's eyes glowed white, and magic surrounded the chains—but didn't break. Good. Her spells were holding.
"Must we really imprison our friend?" Starfire asked worriedly, tapping the tips of her fingers together. "We are not yet triggering her inner demon, correct?"
"Correct," Raven said calmly, crossing her legs underneath her. "But this is a safety precaution. We're testing a side of myself I don't use often, and if it were to break out, we should be prepared."
Starfire chewed on her bottom lip, but Beast Boy rested her hand reassuringly on her shoulder. "Don't worry, Star. Nothing's gonna happen."
Starfire nodded, but still gave her a sad look before she walked behind the red line Cyborg had painted on the ground, indicating a safe distance away from the empath. Once all of her friends were behind it, Robin said, "Okay, so what do we do first?"
Raven sighed internally. She'd devoted a lot of thought to this, but she was still flying blind. The only real way to practice something was doing it, and that didn't set her at ease.
"My demon side is connected to my rage," she explained, a pit of dread already hardening in her stomach. "I suppose you'll just have to make me angry."
Beast Boy blinked. "That's it? Well, that's easy. Hey, Rae! What do you call a crying sister? A crisis!"
Starfire burst out laughing. "A crisis!"
Encouraged, Beast Boy continued, "Why are math books always sad? ...Because they're filled with problems!"
Robin and Cyborg shared a look. The latter passed a pair of earplugs to the former, then Cyborg tapped at the console in his arm. No doubt changing the volume. Azar, this was going to be a long day.
"Oooh, ooh, Rae-Rae, you'll love this one! Why do shoemakers go to heaven? ….Because they have good soles!"
After the tenth joke, Raven snapped. She growled at Beast Boy. and her magic flared. But before Beast Boy could even jump back—and the rest of the Titans took up defensive positions—her magic had already calmed, and she took a deep breath.
"That's the problem," Robin observed. He was casually leaning on his staff, but she knew he could've whipped it into a fighting position in a second if he had to. "You're either composed, or you snap. There isn't any in-between."
Raven shot him a look. "The Azarathians drilled into me how to control my emotions. I've spent years meditating, and focusing on healing and passive magic skills."
"But that's not control," Robin emphasized. "That's repressing your emotions. You have to let yourself still feel something, and then manage it. Snapping isn't controlled. We should go back to the basics. Start with...language, maybe."
"Oooh, we could use 'I statements'!" Cyborg volunteered.
Starfire clapped her hands excitedly. "I have heard of those!"
Raven had a feeling she wouldn't like this, but she asked anyways, "And 'I statements' are...?"
"An 'I statement' helps to convey the emotions and sentiments of the speaker without attributing false ones on the receiver," the Tamaranean recited dutifully.
Beast Boy snickered. "This should be good."
Raven looked at Robin, hoping he'd veto this, but he simply shrugged. "Might as well give it a shot."
With a too-large grin, Cyborg sat down in front of her, almost touching the red line. "Okay. So we're going to use sentence starters. I want you to say things starting with 'I feel'. Like 'I feel annoyed when I have to wait in line.' Got it?"
"Suuuuure."
"Okay. So, how are you feeling?"
"I feel average."
"That's no good," Cyborg said, shaking his head. "We need you to vent. Okay, how do you feel about...oh, I got it! How do you feel about Stankball?"
"Like it's a game for disgusting idiots."
"'I statements,' Rae," Beast Boy chided, sounding far too happy about this.
A tic started in Raven's eyebrow. "I feel like you're a disgusting idiot."
"Better!" cheered Cyborg.
"Oooh, me next!" Starfire clapped her hands. "How do you feel about our beloved Silkie?"
"No, no, I have a better one!" Beast Boy protested, "How do you feel about horror movies?"
This went on for a while, each Titan (even Robin) coming up with another topic they knew egged Raven—happy poetry, broken tea bags, puppies—until Raven finally snapped, "I feel like you're wasting my time. I feel like this isn't helping. I FEEL like going BACK to my room and ignoring ALL of you."
Cyborg beamed. "See, that's exactly what we're after!"
Raven growled.
Beast Boy leaned forward and squinted at her. "Feel any red eyes yet?"
"I feel like I want to stuff a Stankball down your throat." She unclenched her teeth, and took a deep breath—then stopped when Robin frowned at her.
"You have to unlearn how to bottle your emotions," he said.
From Mr. Stoic himself, she thought, rather ungenerously.
"Maybe we should try something more physical?" he volunteered.
Starfire nodded. "That idea is wise. My knorfka would encourage me to harness my emotion through activities of physical prowess."
"Physical activity, Star."
"Yes, that."
"Might as well," sighed Raven. She wouldn't mind punching something right now. But...one little problem with that. "I don't want to do it unchained, though."
Cyborg looked puzzled. "Then how're you supposed to—"
She met his eyes. "My mirror."
"Um…" Cyborg and Beast Boy looked at each other nervously. "You mean, that mirror?"
"That mirror."
"Oh, man," Beast Boy whined. What do you know, he had object permanence after all.
Robin and Starfire shared confused looks. "What are you talking about?" asked Robin.
"They know," she replied simply. Then gave the boys a stern look. "Don't. Touch. Anything."
"Yes, ma'am!" Beast Boy squeaked, before shifting into a mouse and scurrying out of the room.
"I'll keep an eye on Grass Stain," Cyborg said in a panicky voice, bounding after him.
Robin and Starfire shot Raven befuddled looks, but she ignored them both. A few minutes later, the boys had returned, holding the mirror as if it was a nuclear weapon. Cyborg gingerly handed it to her, while Beast Boy, in the shape of a dog, whimpered behind him.
Raven rested the mirror on her lap, then closed her eyes.
Raven opened her eyes to see her mirror-world. She had been teleported to the mouth of a dark cave, its sharp, jagged edges looking like the jaws of a beast. Howling filled with agony and fury wailed from inside.
A line of Emotions, cloaked in more colors than the rainbow, were standing behind her.
"I have a plan," she told them.
Raven simply thought of her idea, and the others watched her, silently nodding their agreement. She took a deep breath, then with her Emotions behind her, strode into the cave.
It was easy to find her. They simply had to follow the howls.
Rage was chained to the wall of the farthest part of the cave. Her lips slashed into a wicked grin when her four eyes spotted Raven and her army.
"Come to play, little bird?" Rage cackled, her red cloak whipping around her.
Raven stared evenly at her.
"Have a game in mind?"
To the rest of the Titans, still waiting in the conscious realm, Raven looked to the world as if she were meditating.
"Are we...supposed to be doing something?" Robin asked, frowning.
"Nope," Beast Boy said.
"Pray we don't have to," Cyborg said.
Starfire looked confused. "She looks...full of peace. Is she not supposed to be...angry?"
"Oh, trust me," Cyborg said. "She's always angry."
Beast Boy whimpered.
"FEEL MY WRATH, YOU MAGGOTS!" shrieked Raven, cloaked in red, as a tidal wave of energy crashed into a mountain, leveling it to the ground. Every other Emotion bordered the valley, their own magics glowing like a rainbow as they trained their focus on Raven, ready to attack at the slightest provocation.
In the waking realm, the empath levitated gently off the floor, her expression the epitome of tranquility.
The red-cloaked Raven cackled as a volcano erupted. "I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!"
After about a half hour of watching and waiting, the Titans suddenly jumped to attention when Raven opened her eyes. She stared at them, her expression surprisingly relaxed.
"I feel better now."
They repeated this exercise for a week, the Titans standing guard as Raven practiced harnessing her anger in her mirror-world, where her Emotions also stood at the ready. Once Raven was accustomed to releasing her anger in a controlled way, it was time for the waking world.
"Are you sure you're ready?" Robin asked. Even though his voice was stern, Raven could see the concern pinching his eyebrows.
"As I'll ever be," she said in a deadpan tone.
Robin nodded, and the Titans took up positions around her. She tried not to let it get to her when she saw her team—her friends—watch her, as if she were the enemy. She knew it was their job, and that she had even encouraged—no, mandated—it. But it still...made her...feel...uncomfortable.
She knew her expression hadn't changed—she wouldn't let it—but for some reason, Beast Boy dropped out of his defensive stance and ran to her. He crouched until they were eye-level. "Don't worry, okay? You'll do great, Rae." He flashed her a toothy grin, squeezing her hand. She didn't say anything, just blinked at him, before he dashed back to the other side of the line.
Raven took a deep breath. Then closed her eyes, quickly checking in with her Emotions. Bravery flicked her a thumbs-up as her and the other Emotions surrounded a seething Rage.
Raven inhaled.
A crowd of faces, each one belonging to a villain they'd fought. Cruelty and malice flashed in their eyes as they wrecked havoc on innocents.
"Azarath…"
Arella's eyes, cold and distant, hopeless and resigned. as she looked down on her.
"...Metrion…"
Her father, his laughter rumbling, shaking the earth, as he turned her friends to stone, their expressions frozen in eternal horror.
"Zinthos."
Black energy whipped around Raven as she lifted into the air, the chains taut against her wrists. Fury, hot and sharp, scraped inside her. "Control it, Raven!" Robin shouted.
"Azarath," she chanted, trying to contain that furious scratching in her chest.
"Metrion." Her Emotions flew around Rage, who lashed out like a wild animal.
"Zinthos." Rage's hissing voice grated in her head. "You are weak," it hissed. "The great empath Raven, beaten by a gag. Pathetic!"
"Azarath…"
"You accomplish nothing. This is a game of denial, suited for a child."
"Azarath… Azarath…"
"Why pretend? You will outlive them all. You will kill them all."
"NO!" Raven growled, yanking against her bonds.
"Rae, don't make us do it!" Cyborg yelled, his cannon a bright, blinding blue. Her team—her friends—her humans—her maggots were screaming at her, screaming. But she couldn't hear them, couldn't see them. Everything was drenched in red.
"RAVEN!" shouted Beast Boy.
Her arms ripped the chains from their anchors. She growled, lashing at him with shadowy tentacles.
Hurt swelled in his eyes. Weakness. She could break them—
"ACK!" Every nerve set aflame, fire scorching her body. It hurts, it hurts, it—
Raven gasped, collapsing to the ground. The battering winds she'd summoned died down instantly, her eyes a large, scared violet. Her body ached, but she managed to look up to see her teammates. Her friends.
Robin was still pointing his electric-disc at her, his eyes hard and cold. Behind him, her friends stared at her, their expressions filled with worry and...fear.
Even Beast Boy's.
A shadow fell over Raven, and she disappeared.
The chains clattered to the ground, and Cyborg gawked. "She could still teleport?!"
Starfire lowered her hands, the green light in her eyes dying out to show overwhelming sadness. "Our friend has always had to deny her emotions," she said softly. "It must feel terrifying."
Note to self, Raven thought despondently in the darkness of her room. Put an anti-teleportation spell on the chains.
Her wrists throbbed from where she had struggled against the cuffs, but she thanked the pain. It gave her something to focus on besides that...that ache in her chest.
It was… She was feeling…
Ashamed.
She closed her eyes, but she could still see her friends' horror-struck expressions. The same one they'd given her father… What was she thinking? She wasn't Starfire, whose emotions brought beauty to everything she touched. Or Cyborg, who felt everything so strongly and passionately. Or Robin, who trained his like a skill, another tool to be sharpened and honed. Or Beast Boy, who could see the brightest in everything even when he felt the world was falling around him.
How did she ever think she could've been like them? That she could've toyed with this side of her? Bait it out, like, like…
Some type of beast. But she wasn't a beast.
She was a demon. She squeezed her eyes shut, holding back the tears that threatened to fall.
A demon meant only to kill. To destroy.
"Azarath," she said shakily. "Metrion. Zin—"
Knock knock knock!
She swallowed, sitting up. She didn't have to wonder who was on the other side of the door. There was only one person who couldn't leave anything alone, ever.
"Go away, Beast Boy," she said, trying to sound mature and authoritative.
"No!"
Knock knock knock!
Azar help her. She laid back down and tugged a pillow over her head. She'd be mature later.
The knocking continued for a solid minute. Raven tried every breathing exercise she knew of. By the time she was seriously contemplating making good on that Stankball threat, the knocking stopped.
Oh no.
Raven sat up suspiciously. She strained her hearing.
Bzzzzz.
She followed the sound, and scowled at a small fly buzzing out of the vent into her room. With a thought, she captured the fly in a cloud of black energy.
"Beast Boy," she growled.
The changeling shifted into his human form, falling to the ground lightly like a cat.
"Here," he said.
"You're in my room."
"Yeah… heh heh...heh." He twiddled with his index fingers, bending and flexing them as he nervously glanced around the dark corners of her quarters.
Raven sighed, massaging her temple. "What do you want, Beast Boy?"
He snapped to attention, then swallowed, slowly stepping towards her. "Look. I know this is all really scary, and you're probably freaking out right now," he rushed out the words, waving his hands around like that was helping his point. It wasn't. "And I know what that feels like! That's how I felt with the Beast."
Raven pinched the bridge of her nose. "Listen. I don't want to minimize or invalidate your experience with the Beast. I really don't. But controlling the Beast isn't the same as controlling a demonic part of you."
"Yes, it is!" he protested. "I may not have spooky, creepy voodoo inside of me—" She quirked an eyebrow at that. "—but I know what it feels like! You don't just feel freaked out, you feel like a freak! And it's scary, and terrifying, and you feel so out of control. But… But we're here for you, Raven." His arm-waving stopped as he looked at her, his chin raised "We're here for you. We're not leaving. And I can promise you that, because Robin is holding Starfire back from knocking down your door right now—I can hear it—while Cyborg's already in his workshop tinkering with whatever new doodads he has just to make sure you feel as safe as possible. We're not giving up on you."
Raven swallowed. She still felt shaky, but now for a whole other reason. For once, she didn't stop to think about it, before she strode towards him and pulled him into a hug. He tensed from surprise, but then held her close.
"Thank you," she whispered. "That makes me feel...very happy."
He chuckled. "You mean, 'glad'?"
Raven stood back, smirking at him. "Don't push it."
He laughed again, showing his toothy grin. Then, he gently reached for her hand. "You helped me learn that it's knowing when to let your dark side out that makes you all the more human.
Now, let me help you."
It took a month, and a lot of vexation and gallons of calming tea later, but finally, finally… Raven could hold onto her Rage-self in the waking world without going on a violent frenzy.
The Titans were so elated they treated her to a day of waffles. And for once, Raven let them.
She wasn't much of a waffle girl—but these ones?
Best. Waffles. Ever.
The next time they fought Mumbo Jumbo, they were in a playground. A playground. With kids.
She growled, but tamped down on her anger. While she might've controlled her Rage-self in the waking world, that was in a safe, secure environment. Far from an unpredictable battlefield, and definitely not with kids around.
But this time, Mumbo Jumbo had more tricks up his sleeves. He had a new staff, and its powers went beyond illusions: lifting Cyborg up like he was a teddy bear, encasing Starfire in cement from her neck-down, and turning Robin into his namesake.
Beast Boy and Raven were fending him off, when he started heading towards a group of kids hiding under the ramp of the slide. "NO!" she screamed, dark energy pouring from her hands. But a flash from his staff, and her magic was redirected, slamming Beast Boy against a metal pole.
Mumbo Jumbo cackled.
Something broke inside her. The careful locks she'd kept her emotions under had been loosened, and now, they were spilling out completely. He didn't even have the chance to gag her.
Her fury exploded, growing until she loomed above the magician. Her eyes flashed red, splitting into four, and writhing shadow-tentacles lashed out from under her cloak, swatting Mumbo to the side like a fly.
He landed hard into the sandbox, dazed, his staff snapped. The spells around him unraveled—but she wasn't focused on that. Her blood quickened when she saw him, helpless like a cornered animal. One little flick. That's all it would take—
Stop! The thought shrieked in her head, a bolt of lightning in a dry desert.
But the tentacles still withered and thrashed, her lips curling up into an unconscious growl.
No. No. No, no, no!
Her heart sped up. Stop! She could feel the gnawing, clawing anger inside of her. "Kill them," Rage seethed. "Destroy them all! END IT!"
No! Calm down, calm down—
Someone took her hand.
She looked down through four glowing red eyes to see Beast Boy, grasping his injured side, smiling at her. "It's okay, Rae. I got you."
She pushed down the feral urge, and breathed.
Azarath…
...Metrion…
Zinthos.
The shadows curled back into her cloak, and she drifted slowly to the ground, returning to her human form. She exhaled, her eyes returning to their regular violet.
"WHOA!"
Raven turned around and saw one of the kids stare at her. She expected him to run, to scream his head off, but instead...he grinned.
"That was so—AWESOME!"
Raven blinked. Beast Boy just cackled beside her. "I KNOW!" he roared, hi-fiving the kid...then wincing from the pain.
But he was still laughing.
She'd take that as a good sign.