Chapter Twenty-Three: I Let My Guard Down

Bella's POV

Breakups sucked.

I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter how old you were or how long you had been seeing each other. If you felt like you loved that other person then breakups sucked.

I hadn't felt this horrible since Jake and I signed the divorce papers.

The weeks I had Brady were definitely easier but I still wasn't very happy. We spent a lot of time together doing homework or putting Lego sets together. He played the piano for me and practiced extra hard so he could learn a new song for me during his lessons.

The weeks Jake had Brady were a different story. I had grown so used to having dinner with Caroline and Edward on those weeks that I didn't know to fill my time on Tuesday nights. Edward and I talked and in a few weeks, once the dust had settled a bit and she was done with her punishment, Caroline and I would continue that tradition.

I found myself spending more time with my mom and brother. It gave me an excuse to get out of the house I once loved. Now, after two failed relationships, it felt like somewhere I didn't belong. I considered finding somewhere else but Brady was comfortable here and I didn't want to uproot him any more than I already had.

Alice had been a big help. We spent a lot of time together on the weeks I didn't have Brady and it was almost like before either of us got married. Jasper used to hate when I hogged Alice, but he grew to love that his sister and woman he loved got along so well.

Jasper said that I was being stupid for leaving Edward the way I did. He didn't think anything had to do with Rosalie and it was all because he was scared of losing someone again. Jasper told me he was certain Edward was traumatized from losing her so suddenly and he was subconsciously pushing me away so he didn't have to hurt again.

My brother was probably right but I just couldn't be with him right now. Even if that was true then he still had a lot he needed to deal with and I couldn't ride that roller coast with him.

I missed him.

I was so distracted the first few weeks after the breakup Vicotria had to have a meeting with me. She told me that I was usually a great employee and my job wasn't in jeopardy but I also needed to get my shit together. It didn't help that I was still the main person on Edward's website so I was still having to deal with that.

Angela gave me one of her easy accounts and she took Edward from me and that helped a bunch. It was the holiday season and his website was constantly changing. I was pretty sure one of his new employees was in charge of the website now so I wasn't even talking to him. But it was still really hard for some reason so switching with Angela was best.

I was also ready for the holiday season to be over. Brady would be with me for Thanksgiving this year but that meant Jake had him for Christmas. I knew this was going to be the arrangement since last year but without Edward I had no desire to be alone on Christmas morning.

We had so many plans.

We were going to spend Christmas Eve with Emmett and Kate. After dinner we were both going to go to his house to read Christmas stories with Caroline and set everything up for Santa. Both Brady and Caroline were starting to question if Santa was real but Edward and I wanted that magic to stay alive for one more year.

We debated whether or not I should stay over and we decided against it. We just didn't think it would be appropriate with Caroline in the house and we knew we would have more Christmases to stay the night.

Or at least we thought we had more Christmases.

I was going to get up early and FaceTime with Brady for a bit before going over to their apartment for Christmas morning. We were going to spend the day together before going back to Emmett and Kate's for Christmas dinner along with my mom, Phil and his parents. Jasper and Alice were spending Christmas with her family so it was the perfect year for Brady to be with Jake and his parents.

Now Christmas dinner was going to be mom, Phil, and myself. I was excited about it because I loved spending time with them but without Brady and Edward I wasn't in the holiday spirit.

After we made it past Thanksgiving I was counting down the days until the New Year.

"You okay?" Alice asked three weeks after the breakup as we searched the store for a gift for her mother.

I nodded. "I'm fine."

"I don't believe you."

"I wish everyone would stop treating me like a timid deer," I sighed.

"Bella, we love you and we know how hard this has been on you."

"Well, what do you guys want me to say?" I snapped. "That after spending nearly a year with a man I saw a future with I'm happy after breaking up?"

"We know you aren't happy."

"Then stop asking," I bit my lip and tried to stop the tears from coming. I had cried more in the last three weeks then I have in a long time. "I just want to move past it and that's really hard when people keep asking me about it."

She handed me a tissue. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I know. I just want this to be over with."

"What? The breakup feelings?"

"The holidays."

"Bella..."

I felt the tears starting to fall. "We had plans. It was supposed to be our first Christmas together. This was supposed to be a special day and now that's all gone. Plus Brady is going to be with Jake and that was going to be hard enough."

"Jasper and I can change our plans," She offered. She was such a good friend.

"No. Your mom has been looking forward to being with Nathan on his first Christmas since you told her you were pregnant," I shrugged. "We'll be together on Christmas Eve."

"You can spend the night with us," She said. "We aren't heading out until nine."

"Thanks, but I'm going to stay with mom so she isn't alone on Christmas morning."

She looked at me funny. "I thought Phil would be there."

"Right, I guess he'll be there too." Mom and Phil had moved in together over the summer. At first, it seemed fast, but they were so happy together. I was just waiting for him to pop the question because we all knew that's where they were headed.

She stepped towards me and gave me a big hug. "Things will get easier."

"I hope so," I cried, feeling like an idiot for breaking down in the middle of Macy's. "You think he's as miserable as I am?"

"Haven't you seen him?" She asked. "For Brady's lessons?"

I sighed. "Mom's been dropping him off and picking him up. I just...not yet."

"I'm sure he's just as upset as you are. Maybe more."

"I guess that makes me feel a little bit better," I smiled and she gave me one more hug before pulling out her long list again.

She was trying to distract me and it started working.

When we were finished, she had spent a big chunk of money and had gotten most of her shopping done. I'd done most of my shopping already and I only had a few stocking stuffers for Brady to buy.

We were going to do Christmas on the Saturday before and it was good that I at least had that to look forward to.

After some retail therapy, I went home with Alice so I could have some baby therapy. Jasper was in the kitchen making dinner and he had Nathan in his activity bouncer in the doorway so he could keep an eye on him. I went straight for the baby and picked him up and cuddled with him until dinner was ready.

The baby therapy and spending time with Jasper and Alice really helped my mood and I felt a lot better when I headed home that night.

"Maybe next year we can all be together for Christmas," Brady suggested as I walked him up to Jake's apartment the Sunday before Christmas. "That way no one has to be alone."

I smiled down at him. "We can talk about it."

"Cool," He smiled as he knocked on the apartment door. Jake opened the door and smiled at us. We walked into the apartment and it smelled like...Christmas. I smiled when I saw the candle I got him last year burning on the coffee table.

"Hi, dad!" Brady greeted.

"Hey, bud!" Jake closed the door and there seemed to be something fishy going Brady was out of earshot I turned to Jake. "What?"

"You're in a very cheery mood."

He shrugged. "It's Christmas. I'm at my jolliest this time of year."

"Yes, but you've never been this jolly."

"How are you feeling?" He asked. "With your breakup."

"Still hurts pretty bad, Jake. It's only been a month," I stared at him. "Why?"

"There's a new guy at work..."

"No." I cut him off.

"And he's new in town and single and a nice guy..."

"No way, Jacob."

He threw his arms up. "When you're ready..."

"I'm not going to be ready for a long time," I promised him.

"You're sure?"

"Hey, it took me a few years to start dating after we got divorced and if I remember correctly it also took you a few years to get a new girlfriend," I kindly reminded him. "You are not setting me up with any coworkers for a long time."

"Okay," He looked disappointed.

"But thanks for thinking of me," I smiled and patted his back.

"He asked if I knew anyone..."

"It's okay, Jake. You don't need to defend yourself."

He nodded and went to check on Brady.

When they both came back into the living room, I handed him the box of cookies Brady and I made together Friday night. I also gave him the sugar cookies we made without any decorations so they could do some of that together. It was always Jake's favorite part of the holiday so I thought I'd make extra.

I lingered longer than I normally did, but I just didn't want to leave Brady this time. I'd only had one other Christmas without him but that was different.

"You okay?" Jake asked quietly as Brady read quietly on the couch. I nodded, but he didn't buy it. He pulled me into the kitchen so we could have some more privacy.

"I'm good," I lied.

"Bella, I know you better than anyone," He reminded me. "Six and a half years of marriage plus about three years of dating. Remember?"

I bit my lip but decided to talk to him since I knew he wouldn't leave me alone until I did. "I'm just having a hard week. Not having Brady for Christmas is harder than I thought it would be."

"Oh."

"And I want you to have Christmas with him. I'm not telling this to make you feel bad," I told him. "It's just...I was bummed about not having Brady but it was okay because," I took a deep breath. "Edward, Caroline, and I were going to do Christmas morning together."

"You can join us," He offered but I knew he was only doing that out of obligation.

"This is your year with him," I forced a smile. "You didn't intrude last year when I had him. I want you to have this time with him."

"Really?"

"Like I said, I wasn't trying to make you feel bad," I assured him. "Mom, Phil, and I will spend Christmas together. It'll be nice."

"Where are your brother and Alice going?"

"Portland to see her parents. They'll be with us Christmas Eve and then I'm going to stay over at mom's."

He smiled. "I'll take lots of pictures. And videos if you want."

"Thanks," I nodded as he came over and gave me a hug. I inhaled his familiar scent and felt a rush of calm wash over me. Jake, through all his faults, always made me feel safe. I knew letting me down was his biggest regret.

"Bella?" Someone murmured as I watched the snow slowly falling. "Hello. Bella?"

Someone tapped my shoulder and I jumped. I looked up at my mother and smiled. "Sorry. What did you say?"

"I asked if you could go get the sausage from the downstairs fridge."

"Sure," I got up off the kitchen stool and went downstairs. When I came upstairs, mom and Phil were whispering and I got the sense they were talking about me so I cleared my throat.

Mom smiled at me. "Thanks, sweetie. You feeling okay?"

"I'm fine," I nodded. "Do you need any more help with dinner?"

"No, I've got it."

"I'm going to go read for a little bit before Jasper and Alice get here," I excused myself and went upstairs to my old room. I looked around at the room nearly frozen in time. There were a few things that had changed, but mom had kept our rooms almost the same. We both told her it didn't matter if she redid them and made them a bit nicer but she liked having them the way they were when we were living in them.

I sat down on my bed and one of the presents I brought fell out and onto my floor. didn't remember buying anything this small for mom or Alice so I picked it up.

To: Caroline

Love: Bella

I sighed, remembering what was in the box. It was a necklace I'd bought her before the breakup and had forgotten to give it to Brady because it was with the other presents. I tucked it away and figured I could give it to her the next time I saw her.

"Hey," Jasper whispered as he stood in my doorframe. "You okay?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" I asked as I stood up. They'd been asking me this question for a month and I was so tired of those words. "I'm fine."

"Bella..."

"Don't counsel me, Jasper. I'm fine."

He nodded. "I'm sorry you're so sad. And I'm really sorry that I can't do anything to help you."

"I just...I don't understand," I breathed. "My divorce was hard but I didn't feel this sense of emptiness and loneliness."

"You felt your marriage falling apart long before you signed those papers, Bella. You knew it was going to happen."

"It still hurt."

"Yeah, I know," He assured me. "This breakup blind-sighted you. And you've always liked to know what was coming."

I bit my lip. "I thought I was going to marry him, Jasper. This was supposed to be our first Christmas of a lifetime."

"I'm so sorry, Bella," He pulled me into a big hug and for the first time, I really broke down.

"I'm sorry," I pulled back. "I didn't mean to ruin Christmas."

"Who said Christmas was ruined?" He smiled and put his arms around my shoulder as he pulled me downstairs. "You still have valid feelings, even on holidays."

"See, this is why I didn't want you to shrink me."

"Shrink you?" He laughed as we walked into the beautifully decorated dining room mom had put together. "Now that's just inaccurate."

"Do I need to put you two on opposites end of the table?" Mom laughed as we all sat down.

"No, mother," We said in unison and smiled at each other.

That time with family felt incredibly therapeutic. There was Christmas music playing in the background and Nathan had sweet potatoes for the first time and loved it. We talked about Phil's potential for winning States this year and Alice was on track to get a huge promotion.

Just after we finished eating, we all called Brady to wish him a Merry Christmas. His voice put my nerves at ease and I could tell he was having a lot of fun with Jake and his family. I wished I could have been with him but it was good knowing how much he was loving Christmas Eve.

"I love you, mom," He giggled as we hung up the phone.

"Love you too, baby," I smiled.

At ten-thirty, Alice and Jasper headed out. They had an early morning and they wanted the baby to get as much sleep possible in his own crib. We said goodbye to them and Phil insisted on finishing the cleanup process. Mom and I headed into the living room and sat down at watch a movie together.

I sat down next to her and she pulled me close. She wrapped me up in a tight hug only a mom could give and I was feeling much better about Christmas.

After the movie ended, I headed upstairs to get ready for bed. I saw the present on the nightstand and planned to ignore it but I just couldn't. It was eating at me for some reason, which was ridiculous because I could give it to Caroline the next time I saw her.

But I wanted her to open it on Christmas morning. I grabbed the gift, pulled on a pair of comfortable boots, and headed out to my car. The snow was starting to stick but it wasn't too bad yet so I felt safe to drive over to their apartment. I looked at the clock and prayed they weren't sleeping yet.

When I pulled up, Edward's bedroom light was on. I didn't want to wake Caroline up so I sent him a message asking him to come down to the street. I waited for a few minutes and figured he wasn't coming and turned the car back on.

But then the door opened.

He walked outside and my heart stopped. He was in PJ bottoms, slippers, and had his green jacket on. He looked over at me and I nearly changed my mind and drove away. He gave me a sad wave and I got out of the car.

"Hi," He said softly as we got closer to each other.

"Hey," I greeted when we stopped and we were standing way too far away from each other. "Merry Christmas."

"Yeah...you too," He sniffled and as I looked closer, he looked as awful as I felt. There were dark circles under his eyes and his face was scruffy. He also looked a bit thinner which concerned me, but I had also lost a bit of weight over the last month.

I wasn't in any place to judge him.

"What's up?" He asked. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I'm fine. This is for Caroline,"

"What?" I handed him the small box and he looked up at me confused.

"I forgot to give it to Brady last week. I wanted her to have it tomorrow morning."

"Thanks," He nodded. "I'm sure she'll love it."

"It's a necklace, "I blurted out. "It's one of those two-piece necklaces where one half says best and the other side says friend. Like the kind you get at Claire's...but much nicer."

He stared at me. "Who has the other half? Brady?"

"No," I smiled. "I do."

"Oh..."

"There's a note inside. It explains everything," I felt the tears pooling in my eyes and I didn't want to start crying in front of him. I quickly wiped my eyes and looked at the snow-covered ground. "Well...that's it."

I turned to go back to my car, but he called my name before I could get there. "Bella!"

"Yeah?" I asked stopping in my tracks but not turning around. I knew if I looked at him any longer I would completely lose it.

"I'm in therapy," He said. "I started two weeks ago."

"That's great," I said still not looking at him.

He sighed loudly. "You were right...I still have some unresolved issues that I need to work out."

"Therapy is a great place for you to work everything out."

I heard him walking towards me and my body stiffened as he got closer. When the footsteps stopped I could tell he was still at an awkward distance from me. I made the stupid decision to turn back around.

My eyes immediately filled with tears when I looked in his beautiful green eyes.

"I'm so sorry," He cried as he let some tears fall. "I never meant to hurt you. You were the best thing that's happened to me since losing...her. And I'm so sorry that I hurt you."

I nodded, but I couldn't form any of the words I wanted to say. "Merry Christmas, Edward. Tell Caroline..." I started backing up.

"Bella,"

"Tell Caroline that I love her and I hope she likes the necklace," I cried as I got in my car and drove away.