A/N: This chapter has been lightly edited so please forgive any errors.

TW: discussion of weight loss and additional symptoms of Anorexia and Bulimia.
TW: drinking.

Routine.

Penelope said step one was showing up. Over the subsequent weeks, Draco figured out step two: make a new routine. Or in his case, five of them: running six mornings a week with Bastien, nannying the twins on Monday, tea with Pansy on Tuesday, therapy and lunch with Hermione on Thursday, and lunch with Blaise and Hermione on Saturday.

The portraits on the manor walls were not quite so easy to deal with. While the frames were attached with a Permanent Sticking Charm, the paintings were protected by magic older than the house itself. Draco recognized he was out of his depth and this project needed a curse-breaker. It was the middle of August when he found the perfect one.

Draco had run into Bill Weasley a few times in the decade since ... Arguably the worst moment of Draco's life. (There was quite a contest for that title.) He and Weasley were amicable, Bill was the least-horrid of that lot, so Draco was not surprised when he replied to the inquiry via owl.

Malfoy Manor was lonely, trapped in the middle of Wiltshire on too many acres to count. Shell Cottage was alone on a cliff by the sea, but its solitude was not lonely. It was a peaceful place; a house that had been made into a home. Draco wondered whether it was even possible, given all the horrors that happened within its walls, for the manor to feel that way.

The wind whipped at Draco's face and dampened his hair as he looked out at the sea. What he wouldn't give for a quiet life, or any life where he did not go to bed alone. The sky was a grey haze as twilight approached. The only sounds were waves crashing against the rocks and the wind as it whistled by. Draco pulled himself together, walked up to the front door and knocked. Bill Weasley opened the door a few moments later.

"Hello."

Draco nodded and replied, "Hello."

"Thank Merlin you're here. He's been crying on my couch for at least an hour." Bill Weasley opened the door. "Come in. He's insufferable and I don't know what to do."

Draco sidled past into the entryway and asked, "Who is he?"

"MALFOY!"

Draco raised an eyebrow at the overenthusiastic shout coming from Bill Weasley's dining room. It sounded like a rather liquored-up Truman. Draco followed Bill into the dining room where his assumption was confirmed. Gabriel Truman was sitting on top of the table with a half-empty bottle of Beetle Berry Whiskey at his side.

"Bill said you'd come! Bill's brilliant like that. Always knowing things. Good job, Bill."

Bill Weasley rolled his eyes and grumbled, "Thanks, mate."

"Gabriel, why are you crashing my meeting?" asked Draco.

He started to tear up as he revealed, "She dumped me."

Draco frowned.

"Who dumped you?"

Gabriel glared at him and asked, "Who do you think?"

"But ..." That couldn't be right. "Romilda loves you."

"Yeah." Gabriel bit down on his lip and stared at the green bottle in front of him. "She does, and according to Romilda that is the problem."

Draco pulled out a chair and sat down, not sure if the world could ever be right again. If a couple like Gabriel and Romilda couldn't work through this, what hope was there for him?

"I don't understand."

"She told me she was breaking up with me so I wouldn't have to watch over her anymore. Wanted me to find someone to love who wasn't so much work. But why would she think that?! I love her!"

Draco asked, "What brought this on?"

"A few weeks back we thought she might be pregnant. We are careful, and thank Merlin she wasn't, but I have always been terrified of slipping up. No child is worth what it could do to her."

Bill Weasley crossed his arms and asked, "How do you mean?"

Gabriel took one long swig from the bottle before saying, "Before me she felt empty. There wasn't much love in her life and there was a giant hole inside of her, or something." He waved his hands around as he spoke, sloshing the whiskey around. "She filled it with food, just stuffed herself full of it to pacify the void. Then she hated herself for it, terrified she'd get fat and then no one would ever love her. Skrewtshit thinking, you know. She'd vomit it up to the point her throat was so raw that she lost her voice. But I never put the pieces together, you know? She hid it well."

"She's better now, though?"

"Sort of." Gabriel wiped tears from his eyes with the heel of his hand. "She doesn't purge anymore, hasn't in over a year. She eats on a schedule and doesn't stray from it. But if something happened that altered our circumstances ... What if she vomited due to the pregnancy and it tossed her right back to the beginning? I know she would gain weight and hate herself again. I know it! She still does. When Romilda looks at herself and I look at her, we see two different people. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I love her, she still doesn't see it."

Draco insisted, "She just needs time."

"How much?!" Gabe shouted. His eyes were red and he'd removed his lip ring. "How much longer am I going to do all the emotional lifting, tiptoeing around every potential problem?! I love her so goddamn much and she doesn't see why."

"You have stayed with her through all this, and that is what she needed," Draco replied. "If there was anyone who helped me the way you helped Romilda, I would have the same concerns. She probably thinks you should have a better life. You should be with someone who does not need you at every meal, who isn't terrified of sex, who can give you a family if you want one."

"First, Romi is not terrified of sex. In fact, it's probably the only part of our relationship that never suffered."

Draco frowned. He'd heard that before.

"Second, I don't give a fuck about kids. We can have them or not, I just want her. She's so young and it kills me to see her struggle. By the time she finally loves herself, how many years will have gone by? Can I love her enough for the both of us? I dunno. I don't bloody know."

Bill said, "It sounds like she doesn't understand why you love her."

"I love her because she fixes problems. That's why Granger hired her, you know, because Romi fixes things. It's easier to break into Gringotts than to get past Romi on a good day. She doesn't trust anyone, keeps everything so close to her chest—and it's a great chest—but she chose to trust me. I'm nine years older, but she has more ... more bloody fortitude than I could ever hope to have. She makes me laugh; she made my mum laugh, which I thought was impossible. And I want her so bad. I wanna marry her and shag her until my dick doesn't work anymore."

Draco tried to rein in his laughter, but Weasley snorted.

"What?" Gabriel asked. "I'm in love."

"Perhaps you could tell her all those things you just said," Bill offered. "Though, maybe tomorrow when you're not drunk."

"Weren't you listening?! She dumped me."

"Because she believes she is keeping you away from a life you want. If you explain why you want her in your life, Romilda will understand."

"Will she?"

"If she has been improving for the past year—"

"No, it doesn't work like that!" Gabriel insisted. "Malfoy, here, knows better than just about anyone. I found out about Romi's illness two-and-a-half years ago. When she told me, it was as if I saw her for the first time. I mean, really saw her." Gabriel leaned forward to grab Draco's hand. He nodded to the space between Draco's thumb and pointer finger. "You can almost see bone."

Draco clenched his jaw as Gabriel trailed one finger along his cheekbone.

"Sunken cheeks that hardly move when you smile." Gabriel leaned back and grabbed the bottle. "Can guess what's under your robe, too. You eat just enough to maintain, but if you take a deep breath I'd be able to see your ribs. Collar bones deep enough to hold some Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. You don't notice things like that until you do. Then you can't unsee them."

"Wait, you're saying Malfoy ..." Weasley looked at him and frowned. "Bloody hell."

Draco stood up, took a deep breath, and told Gabriel, "That was not your information to reveal."

"Sorry." Gabriel stared into the bottle. "Just don't understand how this happened. Why she'd rip my heart out like this."

Draco wanted to be angry. He wanted to feel that rage and disappointment he felt every time he walked by his great-grandfather's portrait. While that would be a sensible reaction to once again having his illness revealed without consent, Draco was scared.

"Five years from now, Romilda does not want to look over at you and wonder if you would be happier with someone else," Draco answered. "I feel the same way about Hermione. I would never want her to be with me like this. She deserves better, and Romilda probably thinks you can find someone better. This illness, it takes away your ability to see yourself properly. If she does not see what you see, how can she love what you love?"

Gabriel nodded and took another long swig of whiskey. Draco pushed the chair in and turned to face Bill Weasley.

"I need help removing some paintings. That is why I came to request your services, but right now I want to go home. Please owl me with your preferred date and time."

He nodded and Draco made for the cottage door.

"I'm sorry, Malfoy!" Gabriel shouted after him.

Draco stopped, but did not turn around.

"You didn't deserve what I said."

Draco let his shoulders slump as he walked out the cottage door.

.oOo.

That Thursday, Draco began the session pacing around Penelope's office. She tapped her dry quill against a blank piece of parchment, but said nothing. Merlin's arse, it was aggravating, her sitting there and waiting. It was her job, but it was annoying.

He huffed, "Aren't you going to ask what is wrong?"

"I figure you will tell me when you are ready," she answered.

Draco sat in the chair and sighed.

"It's Hermione."

"What is Hermione?"

"The woman I fancy is Hermione Granger." Draco ran a hand over his face, exasperated with himself, with Penelope, and this fucked-up disease. "I care for her deeply as a friend, but I want there to be more between us. She claims to be interested but things changed after I left."

Penelope hummed, "How did your relationship change?"

"She dates now."

"Was she not dating before?"

"No, I do not believe she was."

"She grew tired of waiting for you?" asked Penelope.

Draco nodded.

"Does she know you reciprocate her interest?"

"I told Hermione shortly after I returned." Draco smiled as he recalled, "She believes I can be the man I want to be. Hermione said I could be a good father, and that is the best compliment I have ever received. She said she would help me through recovery if I could assure her that she would not be the one pulling me forward. Her exact words were something like, 'I will not be with a man who expects me to handle their emotions while they forget about mine.' I do not understand my own reactions to things right now, so I figured a relationship was out of the question. However, it hurts to see her smile when she speaks about other men."

"Hmm." Penelope quickly jotted something on her parchment. "Is a relationship truly out of the realm of possibility?"

"For now," Draco insisted.

"But why?"

"Because Hermione does not want to end up like Gabriel!"

Penelope frowned and asked, "What do you mean by that?"

Draco slumped backward and slid down in the chair.

"Romilda Vane broke off her relationship with Gabriel Truman a few days ago. He has been with her through the entire process. I can only imagine the hell of dealing with this for two-and-a-half years; watching the person you love learn to eat all over again."

"Do you see yourself in Romilda Vane?"

"Of course I do! She is the only person I know with an illness like mine."

"She gave you hope."

"Gabriel gave me hope," Draco countered. "If he could love her through all that, then maybe someone could love me, too. Now all I see are two broken hearts."

"Alright, let's look at this a bit differently."

Draco groaned and Penelope leveled him with a reproachful glare.

"What part of this makes you feel that you cannot have a relationship right now?"

"All of it. I need to be fully well before I dive into that again, otherwise it will be a repeat of my experience with Astoria. I will not bring someone into this hellfire, especially Hermione."

Penelope asked, "Would it be the same? From my perspective, the problem was Astoria Greengrass's reaction to your circumstances, not something inherently wrong with you."

"She was only reacting to my deception."

"She was in pain because you kept this from her, and she hurt you in retaliation. Now that you are going through this process with so many people willing to support you, do you believe your next relationship would end in a similar way?"

"No," Draco admitted, "I suppose not."

"Would you still try to keep this from your partner?"

"No."

"Do you try to avoid situations that will tempt you to turn back to old habits?"

"Yes."

"Then is it fair to say the way you handled relationships eight months ago is not the way you would treat a romantic partner today?"

"I suppose that is accurate, but—"

"Why do you believe you need to wait?" asked Penelope. "You have moved forward in recovery. You are honest with the people around you, and for the first time in years you are allowing yourself to experience true emotion. The very things that held you back in your previous relationships are what you are working to fix."

"You can repair a broom's handle, but that does not mean it will fly straight."

Penelope shot back, "I believe a broom's course depends upon who is riding it."

"I know myself well enough to know I will fuck it up."

"Does one mistake mean a relationship has to end? In my mind, if someone loves you then the two of you will work through it. Love is about understanding each other and forgiving minor faults in favour of creating a life together. Right now, your life includes Anorexia."

"Yes!" Draco shouted. "Yes, it does, and that is a solo venture. I will get better for myself, not to prove a point to anyone, or to prove I am worthy of someone's love." He repeated, "This is for me."

"My point exactly."

Draco frowned and said, "Sorry, I don't follow."

"You told me that recovery is something you must do for yourself. If someone loves you, they will see that as strength. You are doing a brave thing, and anyone who believes otherwise is not worthy of your time. If someone wants to date you, to truly know you, then they need to see this part of you as well. This uncomfortable, broken piece you are trying to repair."

"You seem to understand me just fine," Draco quipped. "Perhaps I should ask you out, then."

"That would be unethical for a number of reasons," Penelope replied, "and you're not my type."

"Wealthy?"

"Blond."

"Ah," Draco teased, "I suppose there isn't much to be done about that."

"Would you ever change your hair colour?"

Horrified by the suggestion, Draco shouted, "God, no!"

"Now that is interesting."

"Why?"

Penelope observed, "You grew a beard in hopes that people would not recognize you as Draco Malfoy. Yet everyone knows Malfoys by their blond hair, which you are unwilling to change. It sounds as though you want to look less like yourself while still maintaining an attachment to your family name."

Draco's jaw fell open. How the hell had she turned the conversation around so quickly?

"Like you said in our early sessions, you want to be a Malfoy but you do not wish to be Draco. I believe that is where you need to build up confidence. You want to get well, but you have to believe Draco Malfoy is worthy of being well."

He admitted, "I did realize something this week."

"What was it?"

Draco laced his fingers together and said, "I wronged a lot of people when I was a child, but the ones I harmed the most have forgiven me. Hermione, Bill Weasley, Dean, and Luna Lovegood all forgave me. It made me wonder why I cannot forgive myself."

"Only you know the answer to that question."

He sighed and replied, "Just once, I would like to leave your office without a headache."

"You think you have a headache?" Penelope laughed. "I see six of you every day four times a week. I love my job, but there are some days when I could use a good Cheering Charm."

"I can only imagine."

"Let's circle back for a moment, because I need you to understand that waiting for a relationship is not the ticket to success. If you were with Hermione Granger, her concern was that she would need to deal with your emotions while you leave hers behind. Anorexia does not preclude you from being a good boyfriend. In fact, trying to understand your own emotions forces you to be more empathetic toward others. Her concerns are valid, but you do not need to be better in order to be loved."

"Maybe."

Penelope repeated, "Maybe?"

"Well, you know what they say." Draco stood up from the chair and said, "Lonely hearts don't break."