Chapter 23

Yue-lung is in the state of permanent puzzlement; he has no idea what to think of the current situation and how to relate to it. After Sing's revelation - after Sing confessed his feelings to him - he was certain nothing more shocking could happen, and yet in the last days... weeks even, Sing proved him to pretty much lack imagination.

Yue-lung never expected Sing, of all people, to behave the way he currently does, with all those repeated and surprising caresses. Those brief touches, those light kisses, those short hugs he's been showered with... He only knows they don't stir any reluctance or insecurity in him. There's no wrong in them; it's the opposite, they seem to convey Sing's care and concern and that declared... love.

Yue-lung is of the opinion he doesn't deserve it at all. One who does not love cannot be loved either; he was once told that and believes those words. And yet Sing claims to love him and expresses it in his gestures, his eyes, and his smile. He acts as if Lee Yue-lung were his greatest treasure and greatest happiness. Yue-lung can't just get it, no matter how he tries. No-one ever told him that there's no point in rationalizing the feelings.

At the same time, he's filled with growing sense of guilt. Here the days and weeks pass, and Sing makes do only with those slight acts of affection and doesn't reach for more, despite undoubtedly wanting it; Yue-lung can tell it from the tension of his muscles and quick breathing, or even sense it physically if their bodies happen to come into contact. Yue-lung was serious when he offered himself that day; he thought they would go to bed, and Sing would do what he yearned for and become satisfied. It would be so simple and logical, and right... and yet Sing decided on something completely different. How long is he going to last?

The more time passes, the more is Yue-lung disturbed by this state of things. Sing's restraint unnerves him, but it's also... concerning? He's under the impression Sing torments himself... exposes himself to discomfort, putting Yue-lung's needs before his own. Soon, these two emotions obscure everything else, and Yue-lung realizes there's only one way to get rid of them: he must make Sing finally break down. That idea starts to harass him like an obsession; in the end, he decides to take matters into his own hands, as much as it's up to him.

Over the last years, he's mastered the subtle art of seduction perfectly.

He knows by experience that even men who desire other men never object to their lover's feminine demeanor. Many times was Yue-lung given into hands of the men of different age and different background, and yet every time his delicate looks, women's garment, pinned up hair and make-up drove them crazy and provoked lust. He doesn't believe Sing to be any exception, and thus he now renews his acquaintance with patterned tunics and dresses, and toiletries that were forgotten for a longer while. Incidentally, he realizes that, after a one year break, pampering his inner woman still makes him feel good.

The first time Sing sees him in this new image - one April morning during the breakfast - he turns red and speechless, before averting his eyes and gulping. Yet, he doesn't object it, and Yue-lung knows he hit the jackpot. Well, appearance is just one of the means aiming at driving Sing to the brink; behavior is as, or even more, important. Suggestive looks from under half-closed eyelids and from behind the curled eyelashes, sent over the table or across the room. Tracing his finger around the rim of the glass or up and down its stem. Parting his lips and moving the tip of his tongue over them. Subtle moves and glancing over his shoulder. Yue-lung has long since internalized that others find him pretty and appealing, but it's probably the very first time in his life that he actually wants to make a desirable effect.

He fails miserably. Despite his measures obviously making Sing aroused to no end - he's flushed, has trouble speaking, and his eyes constantly look away - Sing is still strong enough to not give in to his lust. The only thing Yue-lung achieved - but it's not really an achievement, only a total failure - is that all caresses stopped at once. Sing simply doesn't dare to touch him anymore... he doesn't dare to come closer than six feet.

It's terribly frustrating.

In the end, the dresses are returned to the wardrobe, and the make-up cosmetics are shoved back into the closet. Yue-lung tries to cheer himself, saying he at least tried, but it's a weak consolation, as he's used to his action rather bringing success. It takes several days for Sing to agree to handle his hair again, and several more to resume earlier caresses. By then, Yue-lung already started to miss them pretty much.

"You're underestimating me," he hears one morning during the combing, whispered straight into his ear.

"Apparently," he says as quietly, although he felt like huffing and declining at first. "Why don't you want it?"

"I do," Sing replies simply and then kisses his temple. "Someday."

"Now would be better than someday," Yue-lung points out in a murmur.

"Someday," Sing repeats.

One defeat doesn't mean Yue-lung laid down the arms. If sex appeal didn't work, he must try another method and this time use his head; after all, he considers his brains a greater asset than his looks, himself.

Soo-ling is happy the nightmare ended. Um... maybe it wasn't literally a nightmare since he had much to look at; nevertheless, Yue-lung in his beautified version pretty much tested the limits of his endurance. And Soo-ling thought he was constantly aroused before; now it appeared things could be even worse. Yue-lung with make-up was so damn attractive that Soo-ling had to use all his mental strength to not surrender to passion and jump him. He had no idea he was so controlled; funny how a man can always learn something new about himself...

However, he's absolutely sure that he would break if it continued. It isn't merely about the appearance, only the whole rest; well, Lee Yue-lung certainly knows how to drive somebody crazy. Soo-ling should be happy he didn't fall a prey to his charm before. It's enough that over these last days he had to relieve himself time after time...

Yue-ling, that slick, terrible, beautiful snake, must have tested him, either for his own satisfaction or being unable to resist the urge to take advantage of the situation and bring Soo-ling to his knees... Well, it was so like him, and Soo-ling couldn't really expect anything else. Yet, sometimes he wonder if Yue-lung didn't try to tell him he was... ready? No, it would be too good... and too quick, to begin with. Soo-ling is oddly certain that it takes more than just a few weeks for one to overcome their own phobia... trauma... something. It would be another thing if Yue-lung touched him, but his actions were aimed solely at provoking Soo-ling to touch him instead.

Soo-ling is painfully aware that if Yue-lung touched him, the no arguments, no rationalizing, no noble motives would help; his willpower would vanish right away and nothing would stop him from answering that touch.

May started, and nothing changed about their situation. Fortunately, Yue-lung didn't make another attempt to seduce him, and Soo-ling himself... well, is happy and drunk with this happiness, although he has no idea what all this will lead to. Yet, he doesn't want to think of distant future; he concentrates on the present, never seeing farther than the moment when he'll be able to fully prove his feelings to Yue-lung. He doesn't ponder how this will affect their respective lives as a head of mafia and a gang leader. He doesn't bother his head asking if it was normal and how they should proceed. Above all, he doesn't wonder if anybody might have anything against it. Whatever they do, it concerns only the two of them.

That being said, he is sometimes embarrassed to catch himself thinking of taking Yue-lung on a date. He must sit down and wait until it goes away; the thought they may run into his mom again usually quickly helps to drive such silly ideas away.

Of course, the apparent calm wasn't long, but Soo-ling can blame only himself. One evening, as he returns from the gym and drinks the tea prepared for him, his endurance... no, his patience is sorely tested, more than ever before. It takes only a moment to realize something strange is happening to his body. No, not exactly strange - that particular sensation has long since become familiar to him - but such a violent surge of lust that overcomes him isn't normal. His heart begins to pound in his chest. He gasps for air as his breathing quickens. His mouth turns dry, and he can no longer see clearly. He feels weak, as if all his strength vanished... and whole energy - and sensation - focused in a single point. He is so hard it's painful, and he can't think of anything else than follow his need. It's after a few moments that he manages to gather his thought and connect the dots, seeing as his brain turned into mush.

"You slipped me something," he says to Yue-lung, who's just entered the room, although he actually feels like moaning... especially that Yue-lung is wearing only a thin robe. "Goddamn bloody bastard...! How could you do it to me...?"

Yue-lung says nothing; instead, he sits down on the armrest of the coach and looks him in the eye, and Soo-ling thinks he can see an invitation in his gaze. He can't contain a moan, though he feels like crying at the same time... but that impression disappears the next moment, scorched in lust like anger before. Soon, there's only lust left. Yue-lung leans over him, his hair tickling Soo-ling's bare arms, he's so close that the scent of his skin can be smelled. Soo-ling clenches his teeth, digging his fingers into padding, but he can't look away. More than anything he wants to raise his arms and pull Yue-lung down on his lap and kiss him, and then get into him to appease his desire. He wants it like never before, can't think of anything else. If he doesn't give in to that need, he will die a painful death, burn in the fire of passion... Yue-lung shuts his eyes and parts his lips, and Soo-ling thinks he's going to suffocate or fall to pieces or...

With the last of his strength... no, with some reserve he didn't know about, he leaps out of the couch and storms out of the room, though his legs seem like wool and he's terribly dizzy. Blindly, he rushes to the bathroom in the end of the corridor to jerk off, and when it doesn't help - when he still feels the overwhelming desire - he goes to the shower and turns on the cold water. He stays there some fifteen minutes, trying to not think of anything. After that, he gets slightly better, but he still can feel the tingling under the skin... and his body soon demands pleasure again 'cause that cursed substance is still in his system. He has no choice but to deal with it... keep dealing with it until it ends.

"Sing...?"

Soo-ling suppresses a moan. With Yue-lung outside he has no chance to calm down... "Go away!"

"Sing, I'm sorry..." there's remorse in Yue-lung's voice but it doesn't help a bit.

"You stupid idiot...! You really want me... to rape you... so much?! Go away... or I'll have to... stay here for... the rest of my life... you son of the bitch...!" he pants, stroking himself at the same time. He hopes that at least that argument will work.

Fortunately, it does. Still, it's only some hour later that Soo-ling manages to get his body under control again, and that hour seemed like eternity. He's under the impression he's had enough of carnal pleasure for a month, at least. He should be happy he didn't lose or sprain anything. He feels completely battered, both in soul and body, and he only wants to sleep. He spends the night on the coach downstairs. There are several reasons why he wants to keep away from Yue-lung.

In the morning, Yue-lung still appears properly repentant, but Soo-ling finds it difficult to believe his good will and remorse. But could he expect anything else? Lee Yue-lung won't stop being himself only because somebody fell in love with him. All in all, the atmosphere is quite tense and the meal proceeds in silence.

"Why do you reject me all the time?" Yue-lung finally asks. "Do you know how I feel with it?"

Soo-ling stares at him in disbelief. His anger is rekindled. "And do you know how I feel after you made me drink some bloody aphrodisiac?" he answers with a question. "So don't you dare to play a victim here."

Yue-lung hunches in his place, and Soo-ling feels his anger disappear. Sure, he's still mad for what happened yesterday, but... He can't help loving him. And when one loves, he wants only to see positives.

"Look, it's not like I don't want you, okay?" he says, suppressing a sigh. "You know that. You know I want you. I can't think of anything but that. I just... It shouldn't be like that. Promise me you won't ever try to force me into doing it again. I don't want that it happens by force, understand? We'll do it when we're both ready, no sooner. Otherwise I will never forgive you... No, I'll never forgive myself. Okay?"

"How would you know when I am ready?" Yue-lung asks with offence.

"I will," Soo-ling answers calmly. "So... please. It's the only thing I ask."

Yue-lung glances at him before averting his eyes. Then he nods. "All right," he says in a quiet, resigned voice. "When we're both ready. Someday. Maybe." Then he looks at him again. "You are ready all the time. Too bad it doesn't rub off."

"Maybe it will," Soo-ling says with a blush and stares at the table.

The silence falls again, but it no longer seems so awkward; they've managed to regain that bond of intimacy that was created over the last weeks. Besides... Soo-ling is still a hopeless optimist who sees only the best things; now, for example, it appears to him as if Yue-lung really wished he could make love with him...

"Until then," Yue-lung's voice breaks his reverie again, "why don't you do something about it? About being ready. You're only tormenting yourself."

"But I do," Soo-ling mutters. "Many times a day."

"I'm asking why don't you do it with someone else," Yue-lung says flatly.

Soo-ling's head snaps up. He's positive that even what happened yesterday didn't hurt him as much as that suggestion. With somebody else...? How could Yue-lung even propose that?

"I'm not a dog in heat," he declares with dignity that maybe doesn't fit the topic itself. "Besides... Would you like me to do it with somebody else?"

Yue-lung averts his eyes, and it's a sufficient answer. "You're only tormenting yourself," he repeats, but his voice is much weaker now.

"I can handle it alone. As long as it takes," Soo-ling assures him, filled with joy and relief... first positive emotions since yesterday. Actually, he feels so good that he must smile. When Yue-lung glances at him again, he says with full confidence, "Of course I can handle it myself since I... I love you and want you to be my first."