Chapter 44 Rhyme and Reason

N watched in a near delirious haze as Zoroark cautiously sniffed the small Zorua on the floor beside his hospital bed. Of course, it was hard to even focus on them. His vision felt off-center and oddly flat, and on top of that, a little blurry from pain. Doctors had insisted they had given him some sort of medicine to ease that, but everything still hurt so… so much… He was turned on his side, the harsh lights overhead in his room too much, not to mention how he didn't want to talk to anybody. He had refused to talk to Hil, to Churchill, to even most of the hospital staff that occasionally checked on him. He missed the breeze, he missed Zekrom, and he missed the loneliness he had gotten used to in his travels outside of Unova. He had been away from other humans, had been alone, but at least he had been alone and free, and nobody suffered for his interference… unlike back at the Giant Chasm…

I AM NOT YOUR FATHER! You share my blood, but you are NO SON OF MINE!

Even with all the time between when he had first realized how used he had been by Ghetsis, knowing deep down in his heart how irredeemable, how far gone Ghetsis had been, hearing those words had cut him to the bone. Then, Ghetsis had rubbed salt in the wound by forcing N to contend with a horrifying thought he had always internally wrestled with. Ever since he had been a young boy, N hadn't been blind to the visual similarities between himself and Ghetsis, nor to the tender way in which Anthea treated him, different than that of her sister and different than any of the others in his revolving door of caretakers. Along with his suspicions over Ghetsis' true intentions those two years ago, he had stuffed that thought down, locked it away and thrown away the key, refusing to believe even more of his life had been a lie than he had already known.

Oh, N, I wouldn't dream of ever letting you go again… Because I want to see the look in your eyes, right now! How does it feel, N? Knowing that you are completely helpless to save the region that you so claimed to have loved? Knowing that you will be responsible for their demise, for ruining so many lives?

It felt awful. As if the same pain in his eye were eating at his chest from the inside out with vicious fangs. His vision glazed over as he saw his Zoroark hug the Zorua next to his bed. She let long, rumbling purrs free as she affectionately drew her tongue over the smaller pokémon's forehead. He thought he should have been happy for them—apparently, the Zorua, named Zeshi, had been an egg of his Zoroark's, laid long before he had fled Unova two years ago. Kept by Ghetsis, he had intimidated Zoroark into submission on the subject, so she dared not bring it up to N. He could hear Zoroark's relief and glee in her voice as she paid that Zorua all the attention in the world, but he tuned their exact conversation out, not having the mental energy to listen.

Indeed, he felt horrible. He had encouraged Zekrom to simply go to Kyurem, that with Reshiram nearby and attacking the Frigate, it and Hil would surely join them soon enough. Zekrom had disagreed at first, but all of a sudden had bolted into the cavern, urgently telling N that it could sense Kyurem was about to use its power and they could not wait for Reshiram to take notice of them. Yet, as easy as it was to blame circumstance for the brand Ghetsis had given him by dotting out his eye, N knew he was not innocent. Despite knowing better, despite how hurt by Ghetsis he had been for so long, N had wanted to try to talk sense into his father. He had wanted to believe that it was just as Hil had said years ago outside of Mistralton—that Ghetsis was hurting, and with enough compassion, just like the beaten pokémon N had healed in his lifetime, he would stop and see the beauty in the world N had come to appreciate. He had wanted that so badly to be true that he had ignored all the warning signs… Even though Hil had overpowered Ghetsis and Kyurem somehow, what if he hadn't? Just as Ghetsis had so gleefully claimed, the blood of everyone in Unova would have been on his palms… Some Hero he was.

He felt something move his bed slightly and he jolted. Grimacing as he lifted and turned his head far to see what it was, he thought he saw someone seated at the end of his bed on the left side, his new blind side, he realized bitterly. He couldn't crane his neck that far, and so, he flopped his head back down, yelping at the pain that flared in his head and then throbbed after. He didn't ask who it was or what they wanted. He was not interested.

"I… know you don't really know me," a male voice told him gently, "but… they've been holdin' me hostage in the room next to yours while I recover from this nasty frostbite. I was in the cave with you, and Hil, when all that stuff went down… I've seen everyone trying to talk to you and… how you send them away…"

What did this boy want? N remained decidedly silent. Perhaps he would get the hint and go away, the same as the others… All he had to do was remain quiet and wait patiently, and it would be over soon enough.

"My name's Nathan. Most just call me Nate…" The boy shifted on his bed and there was a long silence before he spoke again in a husky, pained whisper. "I know that… you're upset right now, and… you've got every right to be…"

The raw sympathy in his tone was hard to ignore, though… N squared his shoulders slightly against himself, swallowing hard. Go away. Just go away, he thought fearfully. I don't deserve your comfort. I almost helped him destroy so much…

"But you shouldn't be upset at yourself," Nate adamantly insisted, ignorant to his stiffening body language. "Ghetsis was a monster… I've known some monsters like him… They give you hope that they'll treat you better just to abuse it again and again, because they know they can't get what they want unless they give you a little to cling to…"

Growling like the very Zoroark he was looking at, N retorted, "Acting like you understand… You know nothing of me. Leave me alone." He moved his knees to bring them closer to his chest. Humans didn't make sense. He missed the breeze. He missed the forest. He missed Anthea. He missed long before any of this had ever come to a head…

"N… you saved my life," Nate softly said, unfaltering despite N's obvious shutdown. "From what Hil said… Nobody even knew where you were before we went to deal with Neo Plasma. You went to face Ghetsis even though you knew how dangerous it was. N… people like you and me, we're so much stronger than we know… I know you don't feel strong right now… and I'm not gonna lie, you probably won't for a while. But you need to try and be… for you. Because there are going to be people that care for you. There are going to be people that want you for you, and not what you do for them."

N started to shiver as he listened to Nate's words, licking his rapidly drying lips. He hated that he was curious, his heart beating with the slightest twinge of hopefulness. He felt trapped by that idealism, like a Mothim drawn to the light again and again despite knowing how badly it burned… No matter how hard he tried to stuff down that starry-eyed, idyllic worldview of his he had been shown time and time again was so dangerous to wield, he was still curious and hungry for knowledge, for what he could do to better the lives of others and himself. He never did learn… He was just as stupid as Ghetsis had insisted, despite all the education he had been provided… "Like… like who?" he asked scarcely, trembling more. "Ghetsis… Ghetsis cared for me before. He wanted me for me. Is… is everyone that wants to get close to me going to be like that…?"

"No, N. That's not what I mean… Like… Like Hil. He wanted to talk to you about something important… because he wants the hope you showed by going to face Ghetsis. He wants your help, not to use you," Nate clumsily explained. "I mean… N, you had a legendary pokémon at your side. It wouldn't attack Ghetsis because it was too afraid of hitting you. Hil was a mess after seeing you hurt like that… Ghetsis was happy to see you hurt, was happy to hurt you himself, even…"

N cautiously shifted his body so that he was on his back rather than his right side, eyeing Nate fearfully, nervously. "I just…" His whimper trailed off as he swallowed hard, fighting back the wave of emotion. Breaking down to tears was a terrifying thought with his damaged, bandaged eye in mind. Eventually, he managed to speak, "I feel so lost… I just want everything to be better… I have all these ideas; all this want for the future… but I don't know how to get there… It feels so far away… Every time I think I'm doing something right… something like this happens… I don't know what I'm doing wrong…"

You need the Hero of Truths to temper that idealism. You mean well, but… Victini's words echoed in his head. How would Hil provide grounding for him, though? What did Victini mean…?

Nate gave him a sad smile over his shoulder, brushing some messy brown hair out of his face. "N… it'll be okay." He sheepishly chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at the floor then. "I know that sounds almost silly… but I remember how badly I wanted someone to tell me it would be okay in the past… So, I just want you to know… it will be okay. You don't have anywhere left to go but up. Same with all of Unova. Now… when Hil comes back in here later to check on you, would… would you talk to him?"

Swallowing anxiously, N stared the other down for a long moment, that fluttering still in his chest. He couldn't place the connection he felt at the other's sympathetic, easing words, but it gave him a sense of grounding, a sense of reality. He lavished the conviction in his voice and the way he emphasized 'will.' Bracing himself for the small flare of pain that would come, N moved his head to glance back down at his Zoroark and Zeshi, playing next to his bed. After a long stretch of quiet, he whispered, hardly audible, "Okay… Th-thank you, ah… Nate, was it?" I want to believe you… I want to believe in so much… I just hope it doesn't keep hurting like this… "I'll talk to Hil… I'll… I'll try to get back up, as you say…"

"I'm sure you'll get up stronger than ever when you do," Nate resignedly said as he stood to his own feet. "Until then, though… get some rest, okay?"

"Okay…"

"I never meant to m-make it such a mess…" Marlon whimpered, cringing at the table. They were all gathered at Clay's secretive meeting building, where so many decisions were made by the League Staff out of the court of public opinion. The eyes of the other gym leaders, the Elite Four, and Champion Iris felt as if they might have burned him alive with their intensity right about then…

Of course, unlike them, he wasn't free to move at the table, and certainly hadn't come there of his own accord. Skyla, joined by Cheren and Clay, had come to Humilau and told him he was to come to the meeting to explain in detail what he had told Skyla—unless he would rather the judicial system sort it out for them. Alarmed by that, Marlon had quickly agreed and to the meeting house he went, and there, he laid his soul bare for them to try to understand.

"Did the triplets know?" Champion Iris pressed, her voice even, from the other end of the table. "When they asked you to become a new gym leader, did Cilan, Chili, or Cress know of your involvement with Team Plasma?"

"No, no," Marlon said, shaking his head briskly. "Nobody knew…" That's not true, Marlon, he thought bitterly to himself. For a moment, he thought to keep that knowledge, worried what the ramifications for Grimsley it would have if he mentioned it, but then he remembered that lying was what had landed him in such hot water to begin with. Steeling his nerves and apologetically looking up at Grimsley, seated near Iris, he uncomfortably continued. "Well…" Grimsley had not yet noticed his stare, as he was leaned against the table, chin on his wrist, idly rolling a gold coin between his fingers. His eyes were glazed over and expression spacey, as if he had tuned out from their discussion long ago. "Gr-…Grimsley?"

The Elite Four member didn't react right away, even as everyone jerked their heads to stare at him pointedly. He dropped the coin against the table with a rattle and looked up, jolting surprisedly at their stares. Blinking, he huskily asked, "What?"

"Grimsley," Marlon repeated slowly. Turning those hazy blue eyes on Marlon, Grimsley frowned at him. Looking down, Marlon closed his eyes and forced himself to continue. "You… two years ago, at the Pokémon League, you helped a Team Plasma grunt that told ya he was gonna jump out the window if ya sent him back."

"I did," Grimsley gruffly muttered, ignoring the ripple of gasps coming from some of the gym leaders. He flicked the coin against the table and snatched it up. Locking that icy stare on Marlon, he added, "Looked like he'd been through hell and…" He faltered and dropped the coin, mouth slowly falling open. The bleariness in his eyes vanished instantly, his deep, rough voice suddenly sounding much more alive. "…That was you?"

"I never told anyone, not even him, even though he saved me," Marlon pointed out, turning his attention back to Iris. "I spent five years in Team Plasma, in that castle, with the Shadow Triad, just as duped as everyone else… Least 'til the end… I was Gh-… Ghetsis' punchin' bag for the last six months or so. I realized that, after four and a half years, I had been dedicated to this… this monster. I had nowhere to go and he… the Shadow Triad, y'know? He threatened to hurt my family, or other people in Humilau… Once I got outta there, I was terrified of havin' to go back, of attractin' attention, so I didn't even tell Grimsley my name when he helped me, and for a while, I did nothin' but give surfin' lessons at Humilau and have a good time." Crossing his arms, he huffed, "I didn't ask for the job of gym leader. Triplets came and asked me… I panicked. I had no idea why they wanted me to do it and didn't think I could come up with an excuse for sayin' no. I didn't… didn't wanna disappoint some gym leaders or give 'em any reason to look further into me…"

"How convenient for—"

"Give it a rest, Skyla," Grimsley cut her off bluntly. He wiped his face, and then pressed his palms to his forehead, elbows resting against the table. There was a long pause—everyone seemed disconcerted at Grimsley taking an active role in the meeting—before Grimsley grumbled, "You shoulda just said something before now, Marlon. You think we don't know that everyone in Team Plasma wasn't the same? Especially after they attacked the League building and some of your old buddies made the Silver Knights in Driftveil?"

"I-it wasn't just that… I was… so scared of Ghetsis comin' after me again…" Marlon shamefacedly hugged himself and looped fingers in his hair. "I couldn't… couldn't handle the thought of facin' him again…"

"Part of being a gym leader is to protect Unova's people no matter what," Iris flatly interrupted. "If you can't do that, then you are not a gym leader. Nor an Elite Four member, for that matter."

"Huh?" Marlon blinked, not understanding what the last bit had to do with him. The confusion abated the shame starting to sink its fangs into his chest.

"Grimsley," Iris tensely started, "I'd like you to resign within the next month or two. I know that's a big change in your life, which is why I'm going to give you that time… But Marlon?" She focused on him intently. "I am removing you from your gym leader status, effective immediately. I'll choose a successor."

"That's…" That's fair… I dunno what I expected… Marlon thought hopelessly. Not that he feared what he would do without the job, but the accusatory nature of the meeting was weighing on him, and he couldn't help but feeling like this was payback.

"This is not a punishment," Iris quickly proved him wrong, to the obvious chagrin of Skyla and Drayden. "Team Plasma's effect runs deeper than we know… This isn't to hurt you. You need help. A lot of us… just need help." She ran a hand across her bushy, violet hair and clamped it around part of her ponytail. In that moment, Marlon thought she just looked exhausted… Drayden was staring at her, too, with an expression Marlon couldn't read. "You don't need to worry about being a gym leader. You never did. You just need to worry about you."

"The hell am I getting asked to resign for?" Grimsley interrupted, curling his lips at her, his arms stiffened against the table.

"Why are you upset?" Shauntal, across the table from him, raised a brow as she asked the question. "You've told me before that you—"

"Because she's conveniently doing it after learning I helped him!" Grimsley retorted before she had a chance to finish, jabbing a finger in Marlon's direction. He shrank beneath the display. "I do a good thing and—"

"That's not why," Iris impatiently cut him off. She huffed and shook her head. "Grimsley, you've been in a bad way for a long time now. A lot of us have, but frankly, you're the worst off and I'd rather not watch you drink yourself to death before I'm twenty. You said yourself that Churchill is ready for the position, that there's nothing you have left to teach him, and… honestly, Grimsley, we need better. We can't be dealing with you being drunk or high half the time—"

He furiously cut her off, spitting, "I am not—"

"—when things are going down," Iris carried on, ignoring his interjection. "We're not blind, Grimsley." She weakly mumbled, "Why do you not want to get some help? We survived something so terrible. You have the chance to get help now. To do whatever it is you want. Why not take it? Why argue?" Voice rising an octave, she frustratedly tapped her foot against the hardwood floor below them and swept a glare across them all. "While we're at it, is there anyone else that would like to step down? Or has something they are concerned about? There is no reason to be ashamed…" She softened her expression and smiled sadly at them all. "We're just… doing better. That's all." She focused almost expectantly on Burgh.

He shook his head at her. "No," he said with a smile dusting his face. "While it's true, for a while, I… wasn't feeling great," he admitted, "I know now more than ever that what I do is worth it. I won't be shaken again."

Marlon looked down at his hands and smiled a little. Although he still felt uncomfortably in the hotseat, it… no longer felt as angry and accusatory. He felt almost at peace, now that they knew…

He hadn't known he even could have started to feel at peace with that…

~ Four months later. ~

Hil hadn't been in the gilded, golden champion's chambers in Unova's Pokémon League in a long, long time, nor had he ever been there in such a calm environment. There was no shuddering of the ground, no screaming, no desperation tainting the taste of the air like there had been last time. He turned to N, at his side, and raised his chin slightly to inspect the other's body language. He still had bandages circling his forehead, tilted at an angle to cover his left eye snugly… it made it a little difficult to discern his expressions, but Hil had started to learn it, and could see that for N's quiet determination, he was nervous to be back there. His shoulders were tense, and he moved stiffly up the stairs, sinking his left hand to his pocket (to thumb the Dark Stone stored there, Hil was sure). He didn't blame him. The last time N had been in that room, he had been in steep denial of Ghetsis' cruelty, and now, he bore the scars that proved it.

Ahead of them, Champion Iris stood at the top of the stairs, hands clasped kindly in front of her as she regarded them hopefully. "Well, the camera crew is all set up… Are you sure about this, Hil? N?" she asked tentatively as they reached her place at the golden-tiled battlefield. Behind her, a few people in dark outfits worked to tweak a camera setup, complete with floodlamps and a massive camera recorder, connected to a laptop that a man was hunched over in a chair.

Hil just had to stare at Iris for a moment as she asked the question. Vaguely, he thought he remembered her from two years before; Bianca had enjoyed her company, and she, along with Gym Leader Drayden, had spelled out the history of Unova for him. Fitted in a huge, frilly pink dress, she looked so out of place in her own skin, like a crude replica of the outgoing, boisterous girl he had met before. Her deep, maroon eyes shone and seemed to yearn for something different than the confines of the Pokémon League. Resolutely sighing, he reminded himself that was why he was there. To put an end to the hopelessness and confusion that had nested in Unova's heart, that had poisoned its League.

"I am," Hil answered softly. Glancing to N, he tilted his head, expression softening knowingly. "N?"

N lowered his head, a few tufts of green hair falling to partially obscure his face, and he mumbled, "Me, too…"

"Then that's settled," Iris smiled warmly at them.