Chapter 36
Tony was sitting in his car and had been for about half an hour. The worst of it was that he knew that just missing his appointment wouldn't actually help him avoid it. Gibbs had already asked him three times if he had contacted his therapist. So he knew that couldn't just pretend. But he didn't want to go back to his previous therapist.
He'd taken a chance, remembering something that Tim had said to him about how he'd managed to get past his problems with the CIA.
But now that the moment had come, he was dragging his feet. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to have to go over how he felt and why he was completely justified in hating his reactions and why it was that he didn't need to make any changes. He didn't want any of that.
...mostly because he knew he was wrong.
He sat there, staring at his steering wheel and then, finally, he took a breath and opened the door. Another breath and he got out of the car.
He hoped that Tim never found out about this.
He got to the door and took one more breath before stepping inside. He'd never actually been here before.
"Hello. Are you Agent DiNozzo?"
Tony looked over and saw a friendly-looking woman sitting at a desk.
"Yes. I'm sorry I'm late."
She smiled. "Oh, there's no problem. It happens in this office a lot. We actually schedule extra time in every appointment for the patient to be conveniently late."
Tony felt his cheeks redden just slightly as he realized he was being stereotypical. He didn't like being stereotypical, especially when it was with this kind of behavior.
"Just have a seat."
"Thanks."
He sat on a chair, feeling very awkward and uncomfortable and then, after the longest two minutes he'd ever experienced in his life, the door to the office opened.
"Agent DiNozzo, I have to say that I never expected to see you here. You told me you already had a shrink."
Tony stood up.
"Hi, Dr. Hicks. I did."
Dr. Hicks smiled and stood aside to let Tony come into his office.
"Have a seat."
Tony looked around the office. There were a number of chairs he could choose from.
"Where?" he asked.
"Where do you want to sit?"
"Is this a test?"
Dr. Hicks' smile widened to a grin.
"Do you think it is?"
Instead of answering what he was sure was a trick question, Tony just sat down on one of the chairs away from Dr. Hicks' desk. Dr. Hicks sat down on another chair near him without commenting on his chair choice.
"Now, Agent DiNozzo, all joking aside, I am surprised to have you coming to me as a patient. What's the occasion?"
Tony took a breath and let it out in a whoosh.
"Gibbs is making me see a therapist and so I decided you know all this stuff already. It would be a lot easier."
"Why is Agent Gibbs requiring you to see a therapist? Has something happened?"
"Yeah. About a decade ago."
"Ah. I see. But I understand that you saw a shrink about those events when they occurred."
"Yeah."
"So please, Agent DiNozzo, you need to be specific about what you're wanting from this."
"Not to lose my job."
"Agent Gibbs is making your therapy a requirement?"
"Yes."
"Then, it's even more important for me to know what's going on. Even if it started a decade ago, there's clearly more to it. I can tell you don't want to talk about it, but if you want to get anything out of this, beyond keeping your job, you need to do something, and I'll tell you right now that I don't waste my valuable time just going through the motions. If you're here for therapy, you get therapy. I won't sign off on this visit otherwise."
"Yeah, I figured."
"Good. Then, start talking, Agent DiNozzo."
Now that the moment was here to start talking about it, Tony reconsidered the wisdom of telling someone who knew Tim very well about how he felt and about how he'd reacted to this most recent event. He stood up and faced away from Dr. Hicks, choosing to look out the window instead. There was a period of silence.
Dr. Hicks cleared his throat. "Let me see if I can guess what's going through your mind at the moment. You're suddenly remembering that I'm also Tim's therapist and you're thinking that I might judge you for what you might have to say, that I might take sides. Am I right?"
Tony shrugged once, but he knew that he had to say something.
"Yeah," he said, finally.
"All right. Now, I want you to hear what I'm saying. If you're here to get help with something that's been dragging on for ten years, you need to trust me. This is not the first time I've given therapy to people who know each other. I won't be telling you about Tim's sessions and I won't be telling Tim about yours. I keep my clients separate. Tim's sessions are in the morning. If you stick with afternoons or evenings, you'll miss him. He won't even know you're here."
"Am I that predictable?" Tony asked.
"Maybe a little bit, but I would never have predicted you coming here to speak to me in the first place, so you're not completely predictable. Why don't you come and sit down. You're here for help, and I can't help you if you're so embarrassed about being here that you can't even make eye contact with me."
Tony took another breath and walked back to the chair and sat down. Dr. Hicks didn't look upset or bothered or frustrated. Just polite. He'd never really interacted with Dr. Hicks as a psychiatrist. It was different.
"Okay, now, you really need to do some of the talking, Agent DiNozzo."
"Just Tony."
"All right. I'm guessing that this has something to do with Tim, given that you deliberately chose to talk to me and you think that I might judge you for it. So tell me."
Finally, Tony knew the moment had arrived where he had to talk about what he'd been doing and not doing.
"I haven't... seen Tim since we got him out. I saw how bad off he was and I... I left. As soon as Zahara got to the hospital, I left and I haven't even tried to see him since. In fact, I haven't really seen anyone since. Gibbs once, but that's it. I've been hiding."
"Why?"
"Because I couldn't handle it this time."
"Why not?"
"Every time this happens, I remember that it's my fault."
"What is?"
"More than half the scars Tim has."
"Why?"
"Because I made sure that the people who were looking for him knew who he was," Tony said bitterly. "They wanted to know and they asked us and tortured Ziva until I talked. And I talked...but it's even worse than that."
"What?"
Tony could talk about this pretty easily because he'd said it to himself so many times. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. This allowed him to avoid eye contact a little bit.
"Every time something happens, I remember two things."
"What do you remember?"
"He saved us, literally took a bullet for us, and I was glad for a second when I thought he'd been shot. Tim's my friend. I've worked with him for years. He was saving our lives and I felt glad that he got shot. And then, when he showed up at NCIS, I didn't pay any attention to how much he was hurting, didn't even notice, and I hit him on the back where he'd been hit by shrapnel. And again, I was glad. Just for a second. I didn't even hit him that hard. I wasn't really trying to hurt him. I thought he wasn't listening to me. I thought he was ignoring what we'd gone through for him. I didn't realize that he was only barely keeping it together. And then, the next year... they took him and tortured him and nearly killed him. ...because I told them who he was."
Dr. Hicks was silent this time and Tony kept talking to fill the silence.
"Tim says I need to let it go. He says that he doesn't blame me, that I'm only hurting myself, but this time... as soon as Tim disappeared, I knew I couldn't deal with it again. I dragged my feet all through it. I just couldn't handle everything I knew could go wrong. I did anyway, but once it was obvious that Tim was really in a bad way, I couldn't deal with it and I just decided to escape."
Another silence.
"I told Tim I would work on letting it go, but I lied. I haven't even tried."
"Why not?"
"Because I shouldn't."
"Why not?"
"Because what I did and what I thought was wrong."
"Yes, and since you've acknowledged it, shouldn't you try to get beyond it?"
"Not while Tim's suffering for it."
"Ah. You have to suffer if Tim does?"
"Only fair."
"Even though Tim has said it's not your fault and you're not to blame?"
"That's not what he says. He says he's choosing not to blame me, not that I'm not to blame."
"Now, be honest, Tony. Do you really think that's how Tim is thinking about this?"
"Actually, yeah," Tony said. "I think he is."
"You think Tim thinks you are to blame but he's just not saying so?"
"Yeah. He even said that he was trying to get me to let it go because he likes to see people happy, not because he doesn't think it's my fault."
"Well, I suppose I have to acknowledge that you might be right."
Tony looked up at Dr. Hicks in surprise. He smiled a little.
"You know Tim well. You've known him longer than I have, actually. I have to admit that it's possible that Tim might genuinely think you're to blame for what he's gone through and just not be interested in expressing it."
"Oh."
Dr. Hicks chuckled. "Were you expecting me to deny it?"
"Everyone else does."
"People who also know Tim well?"
"Yeah."
"Have you considered the possibility that you might be wrong about this? That Tim genuinely doesn't think that you're to blame for his suffering, that he doesn't think you need to suffer just because he is?"
"No."
"Why don't you?"
"Because I shouldn't."
"I can see why people are frustrated with you."
That startled a laugh out of Tony.
"Are you supposed to say that kind of thing as a shrink?"
"I don't think there are too many limits on what I can say. It's just a matter of saying the right thing at the right time. It got your attention," Dr. Hicks said. "What I can see here is that you don't want to let this go. You don't want to get away from the blame game. You don't want to focus on anything other than your own role in Tim's suffering. I'm not sure of why that is, but it's pretty obvious that you've staked your claim on your mental state and you've even tried to put down cement so that it can't change."
"That's why I'm here," Tony said.
"No, it's not. By your own admission, you're here because it was made a requirement for keeping your job. You're hoping that you can come here long enough for Agent Gibbs to think you're fixing things and then you can go back to the same things you've been doing apparently for the last decade. And, Tony, that's unacceptable."
"Unacceptable? Why?" Tony said. "You get paid anyway."
"Because what you're doing to yourself is absolutely unnecessary. It makes you feel worse than you need to feel. And it's keeping you from connecting with your friends. You've made your guilt so important that I don't think you have any idea of how to let it go. I think you're afraid to let it go. If you do, that means that you have to accept that things aren't as bad as you think they are."
"You're saying I want things to be bad?" Tony asked, incredulously. "Come on."
Dr. Hicks raised an eyebrow at him. In fact, he was very adept at the eyebrow raise, Tony noticed. Better than Gibbs was even. Only one eyebrow moved. The other was completely stationary.
"You've lived for the last decade thinking that your actions are terrible and unforgivable. Even when you're told that they're not, you refuse to accept it. By your own account, you're not even trying to change the way you think. You've decided what it's like and, by golly, you're not going to let anyone tell you differently. You want it this way. My only question for the moment is why."
Tony opened his mouth to retort.
"No," Dr. Hicks said, instantly. "No glib answers. I want you to really think about this. I know you well enough that I know you talk to avoid saying anything. So this time, no talking. I want you to sit and think about this for the next five minutes without saying a single word."
"What?"
"Not a word, Tony," Dr. Hicks said, sternly. "No questions. No smart remarks. Nothing. I want you to sit and think and only about my question. No thinking about how you can get around it, no second-guessing choosing to come to someone who might actually be aware of some of your tactics. Think about why you want to keep things the way they've been."
Tony tried to say something one more time.
"No. I mean it. Nothing," Dr. Hicks said again, even pointing a lecturing finger at him.
Tony sat there, at first, more than a little annoyed at Dr. Hicks treating him like a little kid. But then, instead of enduring the longest, most awkward five minutes ever, he decided that he would do what he was told. He thought about it, and he really did think it was ridiculous to imply that Tony wanted things to be bad. They were bad enough without him wanting them to be worse.
And that thought made him pause.
Do I really think that? Are things really always bad?
But they weren't. Tony knew they weren't. Sure, at times like this, it really was awful, but there were a lot of times in between that things were normal.
So now, instead of being annoyed, he was confused at the train of his own thoughts, and he sat there, trying to understand what he was thinking, but again and again, it came back to the idea that things were just bad. All the time. Even when he knew they weren't.
"All right, Tony. It's been five minutes."
"I don't know," Tony said, wondering if Dr. Hicks would think he was trying to avoid the question.
"Why not?" Dr. Hicks asked.
"Because I don't get what I'm thinking."
"Well, what are you thinking?"
"That things are always bad...but I know they aren't."
"Apparently, you don't."
"No, I do. We've had times that we weren't thinking about anything but the job or just hanging out and stuff like that. More times like that than anything else."
"Then, why do you think everything is bad?"
"I don't!" Tony said, feeling strangely worked up about it.
"You just said you did."
"Yeah, but..." Tony stopped. The thought that had just come into his mind was utterly ridiculous.
"But what, Tony?"
"Nothing."
Dr. Hicks smiled.
"That doesn't work in this office. What? Even if you think it's stupid."
"But... I'm the one who's always upbeat, so if I think it's bad, then, it has to be."
"And?"
Tony wanted to ask what Dr. Hicks meant. He had nothing more to add, but then, there was another thought that popped into his mind, and he didn't want to share this one, either, but he was getting to see that Dr. Hicks didn't allow avoidance.
"And since it always gets bad again, then, what's the point in seeing things any other way," Tony said, speaking slowly and softly. He was bothered that this thought could be in his brain like this...without his even realizing it.
He looked up at Dr. Hicks.
"I don't think like that."
"Apparently, you do."
"No. I never think like that."
"Again, apparently, you do," Dr. Hicks said.
Tony stood up and walked back to the window again. He hadn't come here intending to do anything but follow what Gibbs said until he could stop again. But where had all this come from?
"Tony, I have one question I want you to think about before our next session. If you don't think like that, but you are... what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know," Tony said, softly.
"That's your assignment. Think of it like homework, only there's nothing to turn in and no grades. All I need is for you to think about it, so you can give me an answer."
"Um...okay."
"Then, I'll see you next time."
Tony nodded and left the office without another word.
Where had these ideas come from? When had he started thinking like this? And why hadn't he noticed?
He was so distracted that he almost couldn't focus on his driving, but he tried to set it aside while he was going home. When he got home, he went into his apartment and then sat on his couch, trying to get at what he'd said and how to answer Dr. Hicks' question.
What am I going to do about this?