Cat ended up staying with Jade for the rest of the afternoon and a good chunk of the evening. The only break had been when Beck and Cat popped out to the cafeteria to grab some food for dinner. Beck had suggested Jade go with them, but she'd declined, too tired from the day's activities to even be interested. She had instead focused on getting through of much of her own meal as she could, happy to let Beck and Cat's easy chatter distract her enough that she didn't put much thought into what she was eating. She didn't even complain when Beck placed a steaming cup of water in-front of her and dropped another fruit tea bag in it; her caffeine embargo still hadn't been lifted by Dr Griffiths or Emma.
Still, Jade didn't ask Cat to leave and every time it seemed like the conversation was going that way, she'd say something to divert it. Cat was more than willing to keep on talking, excited that Jade was interested in her stories. Beck was a little more sceptical as he watched Jade fight to stay present and the slight panic that would play around the edges of her eyes every time the conversation got close to finishing. Luckily, he was saved from forcibly interrupting by the buzz of Cat's phone.
"Oh, I didn't realise the time, that's my alarm."
"Your alarm?"
"Time to shower!"
Beck was every bit as bewildered as Jade, not understanding the need for alarm for an evening shower. He checked his watch and winced when the small hands pointed to half past nine.
"Cat do you need a lift back home?"
"It's cool I'll get a cab." Jade raised her eyebrows, looking firmly at Beck to indicate in no uncertain terms that Cat and cab was a bad idea; who knew where she would end up.
"How about you just call your mom?"
"I dunno, she's normally really tired after my brother goes to bed."
"I'm sure she won't mind, or I can drop you home."
Cat chewed her lip for a moment before putting a call through to her mom. A short conversation later and Cat was clinging onto Jade, in the tightest hug she could get away with. Jade was tolerating it, having embraced her to begin with but after several minutes was simply enduring the red head. A second pointed look over Cat's shoulders at Beck pushed him into action and he managed to convince Cat to let go of her.
Beck was pleased that on the walk back to the main hospital entrance Cat seemed a lot happier, the bounce having returned to her step. He waved her off for only a few seconds before high tailing it back to Jade's room, still suspicious about Jade's behaviour. He was somewhat surprised when he arrived to find Jade had managed to get his big hoodie on and her bra off, evidenced by it dangling out of the long sleeve. Jade wasn't exactly a fan of wearing bras, especially when in bed but for some reason, it helped her feel more 'put together' during the day and made the swap to night more noticeable. Emma had advised her to try and have as many things as possible that helped her body and her mind differentiate between the two; being in a room doing very little for most of the day messes with the circadian rhythm. Jade had thought it ridiculous at first but, with all the trouble she was having sleeping, she was willing to give anything a try.
"I've always been impressed that you can do that."
"Do what?"
"Take a bra off without taking your top off."
"It's a sports bra Beck, it's not rocket science."
"Still, I have enough issues when there isn't a top involved."
"I remember." Jade snorted and Beck narrowed his eyes in mock offence.
"Hey, I always got there in the end." Jade couldn't stop the small smile that spread onto her face at Beck's indignance. He was right though, he always managed it even if she did sometimes have to lend a helping hand. Her smile grew a little wider when she realised this was the first time in a long time, she had thought of a memory of the two of them, and her first reaction hadn't been hurt. Beck was lost in a similar memory string as he had a goofy smile on his face, the same smile that Andre had often teased him about when he and Jade had first started going out.
Shaking himself from his thoughts, he grabbed his wash bag and headed off to the restroom to get changed one final time; he did a small sniff just once more to be certain the vinegar was all gone. He returned as Emma was leaving and the nurse gave him a kind smile as she passed. Jade was snuggled down in the sheets, but Beck could see straight away she wasn't comfortable. He toed off his shoes and grabbed their latest book, The Canterville Ghost by Oscar Wilde, and fitted himself into the small gap on the mattress that had become his spot in the last few days. While Jade moved to accommodate him, she didn't immediately turn into him once he'd settled. Usually she would re-position herself straight away with either her arm or her head laying on him but now she remained tense.
Beck squashed his concerns down as best he could, determined to act as though nothing was wrong. He had to let Jade come through some things on her own, it was wrong to push if she wasn't ready and, based on her actions throughout the evening, she definitely wasn't ready yet. He began reading, trying to resist the urge to let his eyes flicker over to her between every other line.
Beck had been reading for a solid forty minutes when he realised Jade was no closer to falling asleep than she had been when he started. Whatever was bothering her evidently not going away. He paused in his reading, at the end of the latest chapter and beginning to tire himself. He was careful not to make any different movement, waiting for Jade to react but she didn't; it appeared as though she hadn't even realised, he had stopped talking.
Beck turned his head slightly, and his eyes scanned her face, taking in the vacant expression and her slightly glassy eyes. His stomach twisted unpleasantly as he realised she'd zoned out again, completely this time. He swallowed, unsure how or even if he should be trying to bring her back to the present.
"Jade?" His voice was soft, trying to project a sense of calm towards the girl lying next to him, but she didn't even flinch. Beck bit his lip, resigned to the fact that is she hadn't heard him reading, she wouldn't suddenly recognise his voice. He twisted so he could replace the book on the cabinet, toying with the idea of turning the overhead lamp off but settling for just directing the beam away from them to reduce the brightness. He turned back to Jade's still unmoving form and carefully took her phone from her lap, so it wouldn't fall in the night. He slowly rearranged himself around her, so he was holding her like normal, still a little disappointed when even that produced no reaction. It was as his arm settled across her waist, he felt something crinkle at his movement. To his surprise, his hand closed around a screwed-up sheet of paper. Frowning he brought it closer, intent on finding out what he was before a sense of foreboding stopped him. He remembered Jade had been writing something just as he had arrived with Cat, obviously whatever was on the paper in his hands, but he also remembered her hastily stashing it with their entrance. Beck bit his lip.
Should he open it?
It was obvious Jade intended the contents to be private, but it seemed likely it would have the answers as to what had led to her current state. An overwhelming need to know had Beck halfway to unfolding the paper before another thought slammed on the brakes.
Jade needed to be able to trust him.
So many of her issues stemmed from problems with trust, with her ability to trust. Deep down, Beck knew if he opened the paper, he was throwing that away, whether she found out or not. With what felt like a herculean effort, he recrumpled the edge he'd lifted and gently leaned over her to replace the paper. Jade was still unresponsive, but he settled his arm in a slightly different place, ensuring the paper wouldn't be disturbed again. Beck resigned himself to be content to just hold her and wait until her brain set her free from her thoughts.
The first thing Jade was aware of was the light had changed. It was now extremely dim throughout the room, the one light angled up the wall behind the bed leaving the rest of the room cast in shadow. The second was the weight that was settled across her stomach. For once, it was an external weight which was confirmed to be Beck's arm; meaning the warm weight against her side was also Beck, unless she was completely mistaken. Jade blinked a few times, her eyes feeling dry and sore as she tried to acclimate to the reduced light. She shifted her head slightly to look at Beck who was fast asleep, head half resting on her shoulder and mouth slightly open. When did Beck fall asleep? No, wait, when did Beck even get into bed with her? Jade found she couldn't recall anything past Cat leaving. Anxiousness spiked as she realised the likelihood that she had simply been asleep was rapidly diminishing. She wracked her brain, trying desperately to think about what had happened, even trying to recall her own thoughts but she came up empty.
Her heart sank as she realised, she must have been out of it for a while. The familiar frustration started to well inside her, but Jade tried hard to bat it away. With everything she had learned in the past few days about PTSD symptoms, she supposed she should have expected something like this to happen after the news she had received that morning. Still, it didn't stop her from hating the 'diagnosis' and everything it brought with it, including the overriding worry that she would never be able to handle normal life again. She shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to go back down that thought path just yet. Her fingers flexed searching for the familiar comfort of her foam ball but found nothing but sheets, and more sheets and paper?
Jade's arm stretched as far as it could to allow her to grasp the crumpled paper that Beck had so carefully replaced earlier. She brought it closer to her face, studying it as she tried to remember what she'd written on it. She knew she had been writing on it, but she couldn't think of what it was. She briefly debated un-scrunching it but decided it was too much effort for the late hour; it was definitely a two-handed job or an incredibly fiddly one-handed job and, with her arm still held in a sling, Jade couldn't be bothered with either. She flicked the paper from her hand, frowning slightly as it missed the end of the mattress and hit the floor.
Deciding to ignore it, Jade closed her eyes and took a deep breath in, letting out as slowly as she had practised with Lane. Once again, she was awaiting a sense of calm, or clarity or anything that was an improvement on her current state and again she was disappointed. She huffed out a sigh, her eyes snapping back open to stare at the dimly lit wall opposite. It was then she became aware that the weight on her stomach had changed ever so slightly, that Beck's arm wasn't as relaxed as it had been. She focused for a second, listening to his quiet breathing which had been slow and steady.
"Beck I know you're awake."
"No, you don't." His reply was quiet and sleepy, but Jade raised an eyebrow as she stared at his still shut eyes.
"Asleep people don't talk, and they breathe slower than normal."
"Alright, you got me, I'm not really asleep."
"Then why are you pretending? And open your goddamn eyes!"
Beck's eyes fluttered open, meeting Jade's gaze immediately as he tilted his head upwards from its position on her shoulder.
"I haven't been awake for long, but I felt you moving and didn't want to intrude if you needed some time."
As far as excuses went, Jade had to concede that was a good one.
"Well thanks, but I haven't been doing anything other than not sleeping apparently."
"You were gone for a long time, you know, zoned out."
"Yeah." Jade still felt a reluctance to talk about it, still felt the urge to squash it down deep and pretend it wasn't there.
"Anything you do want to talk about?" Beck prodded carefully, he could see the conflict in her eyes bright as day, which was ironic given the dim light of their surroundings. When Jade bit her lip, he felt his own stomach sink. He shifted himself further up the bed and gently manoeuvred himself close to Jade, wrapping both arms around her, bringing one hand up to guide her head to his shoulder; a mirror of his earlier position. Jade's body remained stiff for only a few seconds before she let herself relax into his embrace. Beck couldn't deny he felt relief at her movement, but he didn't lower his hand, using it to gently stroke her hair in what he hoped was a soothing gesture. It took almost a full minute before Jade started speaking.
"Lane said the hospital are looking to discharge me on Wednesday."
"That's a good thing isn't it?" Beck was playing dumb on purpose, immediately sensing the problem up ahead.
"I thought I'd want to be out of here as soon as possible but now I have to move in with him."
"Do you have to?"
"I can't go back to the house." Jade blurted out. "I mean, I just can't even-"
"Okay, I get it." Beck soothed. "But you could always come stay with me." His words were tentative, but he'd been thinking about this a lot in the last few days. Jade's reaction was immediate, her body tensed in shock and she looked up at him. His hand stilled in her hair.
"You're serious?"
"Yeah, I don't know how all the legalities would work but if you want to?"
Jade paused, temporarily thrown by Beck's offer and feeling like her brain had just been put inside a blender. Beck resumed his stroking, now gently untangling the ends of her hair with his fingers as he reached them, giving Jade time to think it through.
Jade's mind was racing. The thought of staying with Beck hadn't even occurred to her – what would his parent's think? Still, she supposed the RV was his to do what he wanted with. Would her father care? Probably not if the past 8 years were any indication but, there was something else holding Jade back from immediate agreement with his suggestion. They had only just got back together. Sure, things were going alright but this was hardly a normal situation. They'd had long talks about the fact they were too dependent on each other and Jade was now certain that living in each other's pockets had only driven them closer to the break-up. Wouldn't moving in with him now just be setting them up to repeat history?
There was something else in Jade's mind as well, something that reminded her that she had no idea who she was anymore. If she was ever going to get back that sense of self, could she really do it just by picking up the threads of her old self? Still, it was so tempting to simply agree with him and remove any trace of her father from her mind but, Jade knew she had to try to be wiser, no matter how much it sucked.
"I don't think that will work." Beck's hand stilled again before moving from her hair altogether. Jade used her good arm to prop herself up enough so that she was on the same eye level as Beck.
"It means more than I can probably make you understand that you'd ask but, I think I'd be moving backwards if we did."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, come on Beck, we know half our issues from before were because we were together all the time; hell, I was almost completely dependent on you and I can't go back to that."
Beck felt his insides freeze.
"But the other day, we talked, and I thought we were-" He cut off, no longer wanting to say the slightly childish words in case he was completely off the mark.
"We did, but we also said we'd do things differently."
Beck tried not to let the hurt bleed through too much as he realised Jade did have a valid point. Still, she was actually choosing her father over him? That did sting.
"It's not that I want to stay with him, but I need to give myself a chance to see if I can do this. Do you understand?" It was like she could read his mind and, grudgingly, Beck knew that what she was saying made sense.
"I get it." His hand resumed its original motion and Jade wasn't ashamed to admit that she felt a pang of relief at his words. She settled her head back into the space on his shoulder and closed her eyes for a moment.
"Have you spoken to him?" Beck's words broke the silence as he realised, he may have missed out on a great deal by going to school.
"No, Lane called me this afternoon to say he's coming by tomorrow or that'll be today now I guess." The phone conversation itself had been short, and Jade had been quite pleased that she'd managed to hold it together; blowing off Lane's obvious concern with a feigned disinterest. She wasn't sure exactly how much he had believed but it was enough that he had left her alone for the rest of the afternoon and apparently hadn't felt the need to tell Beck either.
"And this is what's been playing on your mind all day?"
"Yeah, I still don't want to talk to him and how do we go from being virtual strangers to living with each other?"
"Can't they let you stay here for a few more days?" Beck was mostly joking but he found he was still very uncomfortable with the thought of Jade having to live with the arrogant jackass he'd been confronted with in her bedroom.
"Doubt it, not that I want to, but I also want to – fuck this makes no sense." It made even less sense to Jade now as to why she'd declined Beck's offer.
"It makes a little sense." Beck started timidly, careful to sidestep the fact she had just turned down a potential solution.
"If you think about it, even though you don't like it here you have a routine and you know what's happening, moving in with your father, or even with me or back to the other house, will change all of that."
As Beck spoke, he thought he was beginning to understand Jade better than before. He was once again reminded of the enormity of what had happened to her and the mess, she was still in. It was easy to forget about it to some extent, to minimise it in his mind while they were in the safety and comfort of the hospital. He'd turned his attention to her specific issues, worrying about lots of small things but pushing back the over-arching issues that had led her here.
"I wish you knew how strong you are." The words slipped out before Beck could stop them, but Jade didn't really react. It was a beat before her mumbled response.
"I don't feel strong."
"You will one day, you'll look back at this and realise just how much you dealt with and then you'll know."
It was oddly profound for Beck, but Jade took some comfort in his words. Oddly enough it wasn't at the idea she was strong, instead simply the reference to the fact that there would be a 'one day' for her, that there was a future for her.
Beck didn't let it worry him when she didn't say anything further, content to keep holding her until she eventually fell asleep or morning came.
Beck always found it odd that mornings that followed important events or profound discoveries dawned just the same as any other. He knew it was a fanciful idea, that the dawn would change to reflect the majesty of some event or happening, but it was something he enjoyed happening in films and books. However, throughout his life and the many dawns he'd seen, spanning beautiful sunrises to unremarkable clouds, from immense storms to continuous drizzle, Beck could never really say that any of them looked different to any other dawn of the same type. It was one of those moments where life really wouldn't imitate art. Take this morning for example, he felt like Jade had reached a small epiphany in the early hours of the morning, and he knew he had; wasn't that worthy of some fanfare with the breaking dawn? Instead the day began with overcast with clouds and a high humidity which signalled summer was well and truly on the way.
He was disappointed when he found Jade was already awake but, between her usual issues sleeping and the impending arrival of her father, Beck had half-expected it. Jade felt distant again, but Beck let her keep the distance, breaking it only to give her good hand a squeeze as he kissed her cheek before getting out of the bed and off to get changed.
Jade didn't know how much sleep she'd ended up getting, it seemed all she could remember was staring at the wall and later the gaps between the blind and the window as the light increased outside. She'd spent a long time listening to Beck's steady breathing, taking an odd comfort in the steady repetition of the quiet noises. In the cold light of day, she was rethinking her decision to stay with her father; it was taking all her conviction not to backtrack like mad, not to retreat to the safest option.
She barely paid Emma any attention as she came in to get her changed and though her physio; as a result, she missed the looks shared between her and Beck at her apparent apathy. The whole morning felt like she was moving through glue and her appetite had once again disappeared as her breakfast was placed in-front of her. She tried to eat some, if only to keep Beck from worrying but every mouthful got stuck in her throat. After the second time she nearly brought the mouthful back up, Beck moved the tray away and replaced it with a cup of fruit tea. Jade was grateful, she really was but she couldn't seem to find the words to say so.
Beck spent the entire time watching Jade, trying to maintain his distance as he worried that she'd slipped back into the person she was right after the incident. He knew this meeting would be a big deal, given that the two times her father had been in previously had both gone pretty badly, although admittedly the second had been slightly better.
"Do you want me to stay? When he gets here?" Beck had to ask, he wanted this to be as smooth as possible for Jade.
"I think Lane will be here."
"Okay." He reached out and placed his hand on top of hers, clenched over the blue foam ball. In truth, he thought he wouldn't be of any help as his instincts were still recommending that he punch the man on sight. While Jade would probably find that somewhat amusing, it was hardly the best way to start a conversation.
"Talk to me about something." Jade's quiet plea broke the tense silence as she turned her head to look at Beck.
"I read an interesting article yesterday about whether bootlegging shows is actually instrumental in bringing people to the arts who wouldn't have the opportunity to enter them normally, so a big reason cited was if they couldn't afford to."
He wasn't sure if he had actually managed to pique Jade's interest, but she looked like she was listening, leading to Beck rambling on for just over half an hour over what was actually quite a short article to distract her. For Jade, it did the trick. Listening to Beck discuss the finer points of copyright against a backdrop of societal disadvantage was just enough to take the edge of her own thoughts. At least it was, until the door opened to reveal both Lane and her father.
The atmosphere in the room immediately became tense and uncomfortable. Beck's words died out in the middle of his sentence as he noticed the newcomers and the sudden tension in Jade's body.
"Morning Jade, morning Beck!"
For what it was worth, Lane tried to breeze through the tension by acting as though there was nothing different to usual, striding with a forced casualness across the room to Jade's bedside. Mr West lingered just inside the doorway.
"Hey Lane." Beck tried to offer a jovial greeting, but it just came out tense. Jade's hand twitched under his, she was firmly refusing to look in her father's direction.
"I know we are quite early, I did plan for this to be later, but your father has to be at the office pretty soon."
Lane was trying to convey to Jade that this wasn't what he had planned, that he had hoped he would manage to talk to Jade before her father arrived. However, he'd woken up to an email from Mr West stating that he had urgent business that couldn't be moved so he would be going to the hospital early to see Jade. Lane didn't know whether or not this was an attempt to speak to Jade without him present; he found it difficult to get a read off the man.
Still, he didn't miss the clench in Beck's jaw at the mention of Mr West's need to return promptly to the office. Jade didn't react but she looked reminiscent of the girl he'd seen the week prior, someone who had retreated as far inside of herself as she possibly could. Mr West had pulled his phone out, his uncomfortableness at the entire situation requiring a distraction.
"Are you happy to talk to him here or would you rather we all go somewhere else?" Lane lowered his voice, trying to make Jade as comfortable as he could.
"Here is fine."
Jade didn't think it would make one bit of difference where she was, it wasn't like she had a choice anyway. She could see him out of the corner of her eye, swapping his weight between his feet as he tapped away on his phone.
"You still happy for me to go?" Beck's voice was even quieter than Lane's, not wanting her father to overhear although he wasn't certain why.
Jade paused before she answered, looking at him as though she was debating her answer one last time.
"Yeah"
"Alright then, I'll be back in a bit."
He'd half risen from the chair when Jade spoke again.
"Beck? Don't go far."
"I'll be right outside." He promised, a little thrown by the obvious vulnerability in her voice; it didn't stop him from glaring at Mr West as he passed him on his way out.
At Beck's leave, Mr West turned his attention back to the room and finally approached the bed with his daughter in. This time, Jade didn't look away instead surveying him as he approached. Lane retreated to the other side of the bed, half-leaning against the wall in the hope that Mr West would take the cue and sit in the now unoccupied chair. He did and a tense silence fell between the three; Lane didn't want to break it, hoping that Mr West would make the much needed first move.
"How are you feeling?" It was brusque but at least it broke the quiet, and Lane could work with that.
"Fine." Jade didn't want to tell him anything, a stubborn petulance rising up inside her but, she knew that she wouldn't gain anything by being outright rude to him; as she tried to remind herself, he didn't care enough for her attitude to have any effect. Lane was looking at her intensely, so much so she wasn't sure he was even aware of it, but she could almost guess what he was thinking.
"Better than before." She knew she'd done the right thing when Lane's face relaxed, ever so slightly.
"I'm glad." Her father's words were stilted but they didn't seem insincere "Your counsellor tells me they want to discharge you tomorrow?"
Jade nodded briefly and Lane chose this moment to interject.
"They're very pleased with your physical recovery, I had a call with Dr Griffiths yesterday evening and she's happy that you can continue with physio at home; they'll want you in for check-ups in the outpatient clinic."
"What about her head?" Her father's question irked Jade as he suddenly was talking across her instead of to her, but she bit the inside of her cheek, preventing her from retaliating.
"I believe they'll be some more medication for a few weeks, but Dr Griffiths will discuss that with you Jade." Lane said, pointedly looking at Jade who suddenly had a newfound respect for the counsellor. Mr West also seemed to take the hint and didn't question him any further.
"Are you still happy to come and live at my house?" His words were no less stilted than before and, honestly, he wasn't sure whether he wanted her to have changed her mind or not.
Jade had to hold herself back from snorting, as 'happy' didn't come into it for her at all.
"Yes, as long as it's still okay with you?" She floated the idea out there, unsure if she was actually hoping he'd withdraw his offer and turn her down or whether she wanted more reassurance. She hated that she wanted anything from him at all.
"Of course."
The conversation came to an abrupt end, neither one of them sure what to say to the other and Lane became the uncomfortable observer.
"Jade, you should probably start thinking about things you need to have from the other house." Lane was careful not to include a reference to her mother, the situation was emotional enough for the time being.
"I can arrange to have things delivered if you do not want to go yourself, or if you don't want to send your boyfriend." He threw a look towards the closed door where they knew Beck was sitting quietly on the other side.
Jade was surprised by his offer, including his reference to Beck; why would he assume that she'd send Beck?
"Thanks." It was about all she could muster, still not inclined to believe the show of generosity from a man who she associated with the complete opposite.
"It's going to be a difficult transition period for both of you." Lane started, keen to push them both a little further towards being somewhat comfortable in each other's presence. "Jade, is there anything you need from your father?"
Personally, Jade thought that was a rather loaded question. Her gut response was that a parental figure for the last eight years would be a good starting point but again she bit back the retort, reminding herself to detach; he wasn't worth it. She shrugged in response and Lane let out a quiet sigh.
"Mr West, do you have anything you want to discuss?"
"What happens to your sessions while she's with me?"
Jade blinked, surprised that she hadn't thought to ask that to Lane before.
"All the time she's on rest from home I will come by the house, as long as that's permissible, and then we will move them to my office once Jade is well enough to return to school."
Jade inwardly cringed at the thought of mandated therapy sessions in his office with the entire school wandering past at any given point, but that was a problem for another day.
Mr West nodded his agreement and the quiet fell once again. Jade was still massively uncomfortable with the idea and this conversation had yet to help her at all. How was she going to live with someone who not only did she barely know, but someone she was supposed to know as she was directly related to him? At least if she was moving in with some anonymous flatmate there wouldn't be any pressure to get to know them, unless that was what her father was thinking would happen? She could barely remember the big house he owned but maybe it was large enough for two people to coexist in without having to interact that much. That thought should have made her feel better but, for some reason, it didn't. At least she'd still have Beck. Wait, would she?
"Beck stays." Jade blurted out the words without thinking and Mr West paused. He didn't like her boyfriend, and he was sure the feeling was mutual. What's more, the thought of having yet another constant presence in his house that he didn't know was enough to set his teeth on edge.
"I don't really think that's appropriate."
"Since when were you so concerned about appropriate?" Jade didn't hold back this time, indignant at her father's refusal and fighting a small sliver of panic at the thought of having suddenly having no Beck to talk to.
"Jade-" Lane started but Jade interrupted him.
"No, if he was actually concerned about 'appropriateness' then this probably wouldn't have happened. Since when was it appropriate to leave your barely teen-aged daughter alone with a doped-up mother?" Jade couldn't stop herself, now lashing out with the intent to wound as the deep-seated anger at her whole life bubbled to the surface once more.
Mr West looked somewhat abashed before it gave way to an anger of his own.
"And you're going to hold this over me for the rest of my life, are you? Use it to try and guilt me so you can get your way?"
Jade's eyes flashed; did he really think that was what it was about? Her getting her way like some spoilt child? She opened her mouth to fight fire with fire, but Lane interrupted.
"Okay, why don't we all just take a breath; arguing isn't going to get us anywhere."
Jade closed her mouth but glared at her father who refused to break his own gaze.
"Mr West, I understand why you're against the idea of your teenage daughter's boyfriend coming and staying some nights at your house but, he has been a great and consistent support to Jade over the last week and I would seriously advise against removing that now."
Mr West looked like he swallowed a lemon at Lane's words, but he didn't say anything further. Jade was again filled with affection for the counsellor but, he wasn't completely finished yet.
"Equally, while Beck's presence has been near constant for you Jade, he will be in and out of school and I'm sure his parents will also want him home once they return this weekend."
Jade felt more annoyed than anxious as Lane managed to touch a still raw nerve, the nerve where everyone seemed to think she couldn't survive without him.
"We aren't joined at the hip." She snapped, well aware of the blatant hypocrisy in her words as they might as well be some days. "It's like you said, he's the one person who I can actually count on."
Her words were once again designed to wound, and she knew they much have had some effect as her father shifted uncomfortably.
Lane was surprised but encouraged by her unusual level of honesty, not something he would expect in-front of her father.
"I'm sure we can reach some agreement which suits everyone."
That was clearly the best they were going to get out of Mr West, so Lane let it slide, it was progress after all.
"Great, in that case I think the only other things to discuss our minor details which we can accommodate for once the medical team have given the final greenlight today."
"There is one other thing, actually." Mr West turned his full attention to Jade, angling his body to match his face. "The funeral."
Jade felt like someone had trodden on her chest as all the air seemed to suddenly leave her lungs in one swift movement. She blinked.
"Funeral?"
"Yes, Amanda's body has been released by the state and any funeral arrangements now have to be decided upon."
Lane frowned, annoyed that he was unaware that Mr West was going to choose now to mention this.
"As you know, you are the only close family apart from a few distant cousins down in Florida. I was only kept informed as your legal guardian."
Jade still felt like her lungs were being squeezed and her vision was starting to tunnel. A funeral? Did abusive drug addicts even get funerals? Her gut was telling her no, but a voice was still shouting that it was her mother and how could she not want her to have a funeral? Even Mr West noticed that Jade was very rapidly checking out of the conversation and backed off.
"No decisions have to be made immediately but it is something we need to discuss soon."
Jade managed a nod as she tried furiously to convince her lungs to open up just a little more.
"If that's everything then?" Lane had not expected that he would be the one to try and end the conversation, but he knew Jade would be at her limit. He was seriously unimpressed by her father but kept his face neutral as he saw Mr West to the door.
"If you need anything, you can call the office and they'll put you through." Mr West called out to Jade, a guilt settling in his chest as he saw her transform from angry to almost absent at the mention of Amanda. Jade turned her head towards him, regarding him almost as a stranger before nodding briefly. He said his goodbyes to Lane and ignored Beck as he walked purposefully down the corridor.
With the door still shut, Lane let out a long sigh to Beck's dismay.
"Was it that bad?"
Lane jumped, having temporarily forgotten that Beck was sitting right outside the door.
"I'm not actually telling you this, but that man has all the emotional sensitivity of a saucepan."
Beck winced; it must be bad if Lane was blurting out home truths.
"Is Jade feeling any better about the whole thing?"
"I'm not sure, I think there might have been some movement but the two of them are complete strangers; she's not out of the woods yet."
"I'm going to go sit with her." Beck rose from his seat, but Lane put a hand out to stop him.
"He brought up her mother's funeral just before leaving." Beck's eyes grew wide with surprise, quickly replaced by an anger.
"I know, I know." Lane spoke quickly to head off the heated tirade he was certain Beck was about to unleash. "Like I said, a saucepan. I don't want this to set Jade back more than it has to so I'm going to give her half an hour or so and then the normal routine will carry on." Beck looked at him, quizzically.
"We'll go for breakfast and our session while you do schoolwork and then we return to the room for lunch and I'll go back to campus – as long as she doesn't deteriorate." Lane clarified.
"You think that'll work."
"Right now, I think consistency is the most important thing in helping her maintain her ability to deal with this."
Beck nodded his agreement.
"Okay, I get it; I can sit with her now, right?"
"Yeah, just try and keep things as normal as possible."
"Nothing about this is normal." While it wasn't exactly helpful, Lane was inclined to agree with Beck. He watched the teenager disappear back into the room before digging his own phone out as he walked off in search of Dr Griffiths.
Jade didn't acknowledge Beck's return to the room, but he hadn't really been expecting her to. He settled back into the chair at an angle so he could still see Jade, but she wouldn't feel as though he was staring at her. She looked a little vacant but not completely blank, nonetheless Beck still wasn't sure what was going on inside her head. He'd resigned himself to thirty minutes of silence which is why was surprised when barely five minutes after he sat down, Jade spoke.
"Do you think she deserves a funeral?"
Beck was now glad Lane had chosen to share the contents of the conversation otherwise the question would have completely thrown him. As it was, he wasn't sure he had an answer for her. As someone who cared about Jade a great deal, his gut instinct was to say no, absolutely not; but things were rarely that simple.
"I honestly don't know Jade. Do you want there to be a funeral?" Jade gave a one arm shrug, a movement that was becoming all too frequent in Beck's mind.
"I'm not sure what the point would be – who'd turn up anyway?" Jade was back to squeezing the foam ball, but her movements were slower and more considered as she chewed over her thoughts one by one.
"Not her work colleagues as she was just fired, maybe some coke head friends if they sobered up long enough to realise that she has disappeared." Jade then snorted "Maybe her dealer as a mourner of his best customer."
Her words were suddenly filled with a venom that Beck had rarely heard from Jade. It frightened him a little and he couldn't help but think maybe this wasn't the most useful exercise.
"Would you go?" Beck asked, careful to avoid asking if she wanted to go as he knew the answer would be no.
"I've asked myself that several times now, but I still don't know." Jade admitted, the anger draining from her tone to be replaced with a confusion.
"She nearly killed me; she was abusive for years before that so why should I?"
Beck said nothing, privately agreeing with Jade but not wanting to sway her opinion.
"But, despite all of that crap, it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right either way; it's fucking pathetic." Jade lashed out, throwing the ball across the room at the same wall as before. It made a soft thud on impact, but Beck supressed a reflexive wince at the movement.
For a moment, the only sound in the room was Jade's heavy breathing. Gingerly, Beck turned to her and was surprised to see a lone tear had leaked out of the corner of her eye. He didn't know how many times your heart could, but Beck was sure it was always once more than he thought it was.
"Jade." He started softly, getting up to move towards her with his arms already half open.
"Don't." It was harsh but Beck stilled, understanding that she just couldn't deal with him at that moment. Instead he walked over to retrieve the ball, returning it gently to her bedside. Jade looked furious and Beck had a feeling it wasn't just at her mother.
"How can she still make me feel like this?" Jade ground out "She's dead and she's still trying to ruin my life."
Beck tentatively reached out his hand to grasp hers. She didn't shake him off.
"It should be so easy." Her words were almost a whisper now, more to herself than to him.
"No, it shouldn't Jade." Beck matched her tone, his eyes bleeding sympathy for the position she was in. "She was your mother, of course it's going to be difficult."
More silence but no more tears fell from Jade. Her face was still taut, somewhere between anguish and anger, Beck gently smoothed his thumb over the back of her hand, trying to bring her some comfort.
"I really hate this."
"I know."
There was nothing Beck could say that would make it any easier for Jade, so he sat holding her hand, content to stay put for as long as she needed him. He'd hold her hand forever if she asked.
Jade was fighting desperately to hang on to reality, fighting against the darkness threatening to engulf her. The whole world suddenly felt foreign to her again, like a stranger in her own skin.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
In for three, hold for three, out for four.
As she breathed, as she struggled against the turmoil inside her, she found herself focusing in on the warm, slightly sweaty hand in hers; holding it as one would an anchor in a storm.
Okay, this was going to be published yesterday but I wrote myself into a small plot hole. Anyway hole has been patched and I ended up writing an extra 2000 words, making this my longest chapter yet! If you made it to the end, congratulations! And thanks for reading it all :)
As always, all mistakes are my own. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, do keep letting me know what you think!