Chapter 21: The Summer Festival N.P.O.V

I leaned back on my hands, my legs stretched out before me and crossed at the ankles. I sighed slightly and asked myself for the hundredth time what I was doing here. A breeze ruffled my hair and I blew impatiently at the locks that fell in my eyes. The summer night was chilly, autumn was just around the corner. I wouldn't miss the scorching heat of the season, I could finally wear my heavy coat again without sweating. I looked up at the dark inky sky, dotted with stars. Soon the peace of the night would be shattered by the bright loud bangs of fireworks, the ohs and aws of the villagers and some visitors from local towns. Fireworks to me had always been too flashy, too noisy, too overrated. A distraction for simple-minded people who were enthralled by a shower of booming sparks. A distraction, that's exactly what I was looking for.

A face popped into my mind: Long blonde hair, large sapphire eyes, a delicate heart-shaped face & a dazzling too bright smile. I closed my eyes, willing the mental image, that had plagued my thoughts for days, to go away. It didn't and I groaned, sighing I opened my eyes and flopped my head back. My hands balled into fists, scrunching up the thick tartan blanket I was spread out on. I looked at the springy branches of the towering fir tree, it cast a large shadow from the light off the lanterns and fairy lights. I scrunched my face up in distaste. Sparkling lights & pretty potted flowers, ugh.

I'd picked the best spot, away from the crowd and main lights. I felt comforted by the semi-darkness, it would be hard to find me and I hoped that I'd be left alone. I listened to no music but I wore earphones, a sign that said don't come up and speak to me. Uncomfortable, feeling out of place, I closed my eyes again. The face was back but this time the sapphire eyes were half closed in slits of accusation and the full mouth was pursued unhappily. I couldn't escape that look at home, the small house seemed too stuffy and cramped. I shook my head in exasperated disbelief. Here I was trying to escape in the events of a festival I'd normally try to avoid. For the first time my home, my space, my guitar, my music couldn't provide an outlet. The farmer I'd been trying to avoid as much as possible mocked me even when she wasn't there. My feelings were not getting easier, weaker, less confusing with time or distance. A space was missing where she'd been, a space I couldn't forget or fill. My once perfect techniques of self-control had become void, my emotions wouldn't be numbed or buried for long.

I snapped my eyes open and turned towards the sounds of crunching twigs and fir needles. I took in a pair of bare feet and slim calves, up to a pair of knees and toned thighs, higher to a red silken dress and finally to a pair of wide midnight blue eyes. My eyes shot up into my hairline and I felt my jaw drop open. Rachael had her arms crossed tight against the chill of the night, a small smile played on the edges of her ruby painted lips and she stood uncomfortably with her weight shifted onto one leg. I drank her in quickly before my eyes dropped back down to her legs. My face felt like it was on fire and my features were frozen in that gaping expression.

"You've picked a poor spot." She reprimanded. "You won't see the fireworks very clearly."

I struggled to string together a coherent thought. My mouth opened and closed but no sound came out. I could see nothing but a pair of shapely long legs, legs that squirmed under my scrutiny. "Neil?" I heard a confused voice ask.

"What are you wearing?" I blurted, my brain cells finally kicking into action. With an effort I tore my gaze away from Rachael's legs and looked her reproachfully in the eyes.

Rachael crossed her arms tighter against her chest and jutted out her chin stubbornly, she tried to hide it but I saw her lips tremble slightly and her eyes shined with moisture. "A dress! You idiot." She snapped defensively. "Do you have a problem with that?!"

"B… but Y...you're L... legs." I stammered. The cool night air did nothing to help my blazing cheeks. I was too embarrassed to maintain eye contact, I tried to look anywhere else but my gaze kept on flickering back down to Rachael's legs. Damb, they were pretty but that was the problem!

Yes, Neil, my legs." Rachael said exasperated. "Don't tell me this is your first time seeing a girl's legs."

Surprised I looked at Rachael again, my eyes widened at the scorn in hers. Her hands were firmly on her hips and her lips were pursed in a tight pout. Alarm bells were ringing in my head, that male internal alert system that warned of a fuming woman. A fuming woman who I needed to be careful not to set off. Too late…

"Were you born at the start of the 20th Century or do you just like being a sexist jerk?" Rachael spat vehemently. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes blazed dangerously.

I was starting to get worked up, anger licked at the edges of my insides and it would burn brighter if I didn't hold it back. Why did she have to come over here and smash my peace & quiet. If I was struggling to cope with avoiding her before I wouldn't now, my life was a hell of a lot easier when she wasn't around. She struts over here, like a peacock in a fancy dress, with legs up to here and then goes ballistic.

"Shut up." I hissed at her. I quickly reached my hand up and grabbed Rachael's wrist, I yanked her not too gently down onto the blanket beside me. Before she had time to move I leaned over and snatched at the edge of the blanket, I pulled it over her legs and let go. Better, I thought.

I leaned back & Rachael smacked me roughly on the shoulder, I grunted and scowled at her. I was trying desperately to quench the fire inside that she was fuelling. I was getting angrier and less reasonable. What was with this crazy chick?! I glared at her but then I saw her expression. Rachael looked like a bull and I was the red flag, that internal alarm system was ringing louder. "You'd better explain yourself." Rachael cautioned carefully.

Run, the internal system shouted. I ignored it and glared at Rachael again. I scowled and felt my cheeks burn brighter, was that even possible. I grabbed the wrist she'd hit me with, she pulled away but I held on tight. Deflated all of a sudden I grumbled and let my gaze flicker away. "I don't want other guys to see you like that." I admitted quietly.

I let go of her and resisted the urge to scratch the back of my neck, a nervous habit. Embarrassment anewed I looked at Rachael from the corner of my eye. I furrowed my brow, she was gawking at me in shock. She stared at me blankly, unblinking, and I squirmed slightly. Could she really not see it? What did she think? That I was just a sexist a-whole.

A little sound escaped Rachael's lips and then another. I frowned at her and then I realised that she was giggling. Rachael closed her eyes and collapsed back onto the blanket in fits of laughter, she rolled about and tried to get her breath. I glared down at her scornfully, five minutes ago she looked ready to rip my head off and now she's laughing like a toddler. I blew a breath out, city turned farm girl was as naive as she looked. My face scrunched in detest, it seemed like I'd have to spell it out. "Laugh all you want." I scowled down at her. "But guy's easily get ideas."

My warning didn't have the attended effect but the opposite. Rachael clutched at her stomach and laughed even louder. I looked around nervously. People were looking over, they squinted but turned away when they couldn't see further than the shadow of the fir tree. I scowled and failed to understand the joke. For reasons unfathomable to me I hated the idea of other men seeing her all dressed up like that, seeing her attractive legs and going after her. And, not with the best of intentions. Farm girl would be too dumb to see through them. It was nothing personal, I tried to convince myself, just a protection instinct.

Rachael finally looked up at me and wiped tears from the corners of her eyes. "Pfft." she said incredulously. "What guys? Allen? Rod?."

"You." she winked at me. My face flushed and I jumped up from the blanket. Fine, I was done. If she wanted to learn the hard way so be it. Maybe she'd listen to experience.

"Whatever." I muttered as I began to stalk away. What was she insinuating, that I was that kind of guy? Please, I'd have to find her appealing first. I pushed down the little voice inside that whispered don't you. I growled, she was messing with me and I was falling for it.

I hadn't gotten far when I felt a hand grab my wrist. I shook it off harshly but it just grabbed my arm tighter. "Wait." A soft voice pleaded. "Please. I'm sorry for teasing you."

I slowly turned back around. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion, Rachael looked sincere and apologetic. All traces of humour gone but I wouldn't let my guard down. I scowled then felt my face drop when I caught sight of Rachael's legs, her tightly fitted dress had bunched up higher around her thighs. The light fabric brushing the top of her legs, leaving too much exposed for my taste. I suddenly felt jealous and possessive, I tried to ignore the desire I could feel starting to build up in my stomach. I pulled away and turned my head to the side, not so subtly trying to hide the blush I could feel creep across my cheeks and nose. There was no way in hell I was letting other guys see her like that, I'd carry her out of her kicking and screaming if I had to. Without looking up I snatched Rachael's hand in my own and started to quickly pull her across the festival grounds.

"What're you doing?" Rachael protested behind me. I heard her stumble slightly but she didn't try to break free.

"Away from here." I grunted.

Rachael sighed but allowed herself to be pulled along. "The entrance is back the other way." She said matter of factly.

I looked briefly back at Rachael and shot her a smirk. "We're leaving through the back way."

I stopped when we reached the wooden fence that encircled the festival grounds. Before I could think too much about it I reached out and grabbed Rachael gently but firmly by the waist, her dress was pretty but not practical. Rachael gasped and looked at me wide-eyed. Before she could struggle I quickly picked her up and lifted her over the small fence, letting her go when her feet were clear on the other side. Her waist was slender and delicate, the desire inside was bubbling. I nimbly jumped over the fence and caught a glimpse of a blush blooming over Rachael's cheeks. I grabbed Rachael's hand again and quickly led her through the small patch of trees. I could hear her bare feet crunching on leaves & twigs over the sound of my own heavier feet. I shook my head slightly, no coat and no shoes. I felt a shot of annoyance, she was neglecting her promise to take better care of herself. I stopped myself from admonishing her as I weaved through the trees. After all, I wasn't supposed to care…

I could hear the sound of fireworks as they boomed and whizzed through the night sky. Rachael's face reflected their light: Gold, silver, red, green and blue. The light danced across her features and I was enraptured, I couldn't take my eyes away to look up and try to admire the fireworks display. She'd pulled her golden locks loose from the tight elaborate braid that had encircled her head. Her hair pooled across my lap as her head rested there, I pulled my fingers absentmindedly through it. My eyes scrunched slightly in affection and I smiled to myself, her soft silken hair bounced back into waves.

Rachael's eyes lit up as she watched the display, her mouth hung slightly open. Her eyes were wide in delight, she'd gasp and stretch out her hand to the sky. At this moment I felt relaxed, content, I didn't want it to end. I was normally wound up so tightly, cautious and distrustful in the company of others. But without really knowing I'd let myself go and I was happy, watching her made me happy. Her lipstick was smudged, her mascara streaked, but she looked perfect.

Managing to tear myself away I looked up to catch the end of the display, the big finale that slowly came to an end until the last bright firework sizzled to nothing. The sky once more becoming quiet and empty, the fireworks just a memory amongst the scattering of distant stars. I looked back down at Rachael, her eyes were closed and a small smile was on her face. She slowly opened her eyes and looked directly into mine. Embarrassed, I looked away. Rachael slowly sat up and stretched out like a cat, I smiled slightly. The Goddesses pond shimmered and rippled in the darkness, the lights of the village and festival stretched out below. "That was so beautiful." I heard Rachael whisper. "What did you think?"

I continued to look over the fence, out at the view that the vantage point at the top of the forest hill provided. I didn't look at Rachael, I stared straight ahead and smiled wistfully. "I don't know." I murmured. "I missed most of it."

That was it, the moment was over, the fairytale shattered. Reality was back and I needed to let it in, unwanted or not. I could feel Rachael frowning at me but I ignored her. Before she could ask I stood up and extended down my hand. "I'll walk you home." I sighed.

Rachael's frown deepened, she looked at my hand briefly before taking it in her own. I clasped my hand around hers and pulled her to her feet. I didn't let go as we started to make our way back down the hill.

Rachael leaned casually on the doorframe, my coat draped around her shoulders. She shivered slightly and I resisted the urge to wrap the coat more tightly around her.

"Thank you." Rachael said gratefully as she handed me back my coat. "Are you sure I can't persuade you to come in for a cup of coffee?" she offered.

Rachael looked up at me hopefully, her eyes uncertain. She was trying to look nonchalant but couldn't quite manage it. I wanted to grin but I shook my head firmly. I took back my coat gingerly and placed it across my arm, I ran my spare hand through my hair. How I wished I could say yes. No." I sighed. "I should be getting back."

Rachael's face dropped, crestfallen. A felt a pang in my chest at her disappointment. "Right." She said disheartened. "I'll see you soon then." She added more hopefully. Her mouth twitched up wistfully and I saw the yearning of a wanted promise in her eyes. I couldn't promise her that, that I'd see her again soon and share another magical evening with her. Tonight she'd brought out a side of me that hadn't come out in a very long time, now I'd lock it away again. The night had an expiry date and so did the good guy I'd been for an evening, the guy that could let his guard down and be with the girl he liked in the way she deserved. That guy wasn't really me. I'd hurt her, disappoint her so much more than by just refusing to come in for a coffee. I knew I had to put on an act, be cruel to be kinder in the long run. I let my face become blank and hard, unreadable as I looked down at her. "I'll see you when you need to buy something from my store." I replied firmly.

Rachael frowned, struggling to understand my sudden change in tone and mood. "I thought I was more than just a customer." She whispered quietly into the empty space between us.

My stomach twisted, this was so hard. A part of me wanted to take my words back but where would that leave us. I wouldn't string her along or give her false hope. I couldn't say the words, reach out and take the next step. It was best to stop now before either of us really started down that path. I carried on with the charade. "No, you're not." I said harshly. "I didn't mean to give you that impression." My expression was perfectly composed, my features giving nothing away.

Rachael scoffed and stared straight into my eyes. "I know you've been avoiding me since the storm." She admitted. "But you can't say that tonight didn't mean anything."

My face fell, I lost my composure. I hadn't expected that reaction, I should've known she wasn't going to make this easier. I sighed and nervously ran my hand through my hair. Of course she knew I'd been avoiding her, I'd tried to be casual about it but it was obvious. I couldn't help but to be so inconsistent in my interactions with her. My behaviour was sporadic, my signals so mixed and controversial. But then as soon as I saw her my emotions went haywire, when she laughed or spoke my thoughts became incoherent. I'd already messed up so much and nothing had even happened between us yet. I pulled my poker face back together and felt my eyes steel over.

"You're wrong." I said sternly. "Stop seeing things that aren't there or you'll get hurt."

Rachael reached out and grabbed my chin firmly. You mean you will." She said challengingly. She pulled my head down, forcing me to look at her. Her midnight eyes burned fiercely and defiantly, daring me to contradict her. "Don't lie to me." She begged. "I can see through you."

My features slackened, the carefully composed blank slate dropped. I stared deeply into her midnight eyes, they shined like sapphires and were as deep as the night sky. Her eyes swirled with emotion as they scanned my face, my own eyes were reflected in hers as she tried to read them. What she saw, I couldn't tell. I felt myself waver. She was too perceptive and that terrified me. Why wasn't she scared off like most when I was so cold and aloof? She was wrong, she couldn't see through me. Not completely. Not all my walls were that transparent. She couldn't see how strongly I felt for her, I couldn't deny it after tonight. But romancing that idea would only hurt us both. I wasn't cut out to be boyfriend material and the idea of dating, being that close to someone. I shied away from the idea, internally shuddered. Farm girl was right. I was afraid of being hurt, being in such an open position. I couldn't bring myself to give another person power over me like that, not again. Life was a harsh teacher but a good one. I was cracked and I'd cut her with the jagged pieces, make her bleed. I jerked my chin out of Rachael's grasp. My expression became hard and expressionless. "Get some sleep." I said dismissively. "You've become deluded."

The light in Rachael's eyes dimmed, went hollow. Sadness swam through the sapphire swirles. The small hope squashed, her face fell dejectedly. Her lips trembled and pain twisted her features. I felt so small, I wanted to kick myself. I kept on repeating to myself that this was for the best. "Fine." Rachael rasped, her throat contracting.

Rachael reached up on tip-toe and cupped my cheek, I leaned in to her touch slightly. Leaning over she gently placed a soft kiss on the corner of my mouth. "Goodnight Neil." she whispered as she slowly drew back.

I drew my face tight, set my mouth in a rigid line. I could feel the warmth her touch had left. It had felt nice and for a few seconds I contemplated changing my mind. I felt confused and muddled, like jumbled wires. I tried to unknot them but the more I tried the more knotted they became. The more I was around her the worse they twisted. My eyes burned into hers, momentarily reflecting the longing I felt. Rachael broke our contact, she sighed and turned away. She didn't look back as she closed the front door.

I placed my forehead on the door and groaned, I couldn't tell if I was relieved or regretful. I'd lock the jumble of wires in a cupboard and forget about them. I was tired of not being able to sort them out, of not being able to find the right one, it was too much effort to try. I closed my eyes, letting myself go numb. I sighed and let the numbness spread, it was like ice to a burn as it soothed the turmoil inside. I'd made my decision and I wouldn't change my mind. I stood up straight and shook my head. I turned away and began to trudge home, thinking if I would be strong enough to stay away.