Chapter 28: Decisions
"So?" Addison asked as she took a bite of her chicken club sandwich.
"So... What?" Mark asked as he glanced up.
"What's going on with Meredith and Derek?" Addison asked happily.
"Oh. That." Mark said with a sigh. "Well, Meredith told de Gaulle that she loved him today."
"What!" Addison said as she spit out her food on the plate. Mark looked at her with wide eyes. Always the lady, Addison was not expected to spit food out in such a manner.
"That's what Derek said. Well, apparently de Gaulle said. But I have to say, I saw him tell Derek. He looked like someone had just ran his dog over flat." Mark said as he shook his head.
"So what do we do?" Addison said with a smile.
"We, do nothing. I don't want to make things any worse than they are." Mark explained.
"Well, I don't know how much worse they can get." Addison told him. "I don't know what her deal is. Oh my God! You don't- She doesn't really love him, does she?"
"You know, a week ago, I'd say no. But today, I don't know. I think she might." Mark said as he took a bite of his sandwich.
"Well, what about the wife?" Addison asked softly.
"She's been hounding. She wants him back." Mark said. He was in shock himself. Mark Sloan, doing the gossipy, fixing people up, girl talk. If the people in New York could see him now.
"I have an idea!" She said with a smirk.
"What?" He said with a frown.
"Well, Mark. Sometimes you have to take one for the team... And it's your turn..." She said with a giggle as she started to explain.
Mark drove back to the hospital quickly. He had to quit doing that. Life was so simple before the friends. Before the lunches. The drinks. The dinners. The bachelor life in New York was wonderful. And this was just a big mess. He walked into the hospital, seeing the elevators were down for the third time this week. He made his way over to the stairwell and began climbing. He was about two floors away when he heard the talking...
"You told him you love him." Derek said as he watched her walk from the hallway into the stairwell.
"Hmm?" Meredith asked, looking up from her chart, surprised he was in there.
"You told Adrien you loved him. This morning. I thought- You told him you loved him." He repeated in shock.
"Derek..." She trailed off as she looked into his deep blue eyes.
"No. No, Mer. It's not- You told him you loved him. Nine years! I've waited nine years for you. And you- You can't do this, Mer." Derek said firmly.
"Do what, Derek?" She snapped as she glared at him.
"You know what. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You can't- I love you. I've told you that over and over again. And yet, you find it so damn hard to tell me. You know how I feel. You know... And you... I'm not doing this. I am not some easy fuck. I'm not going to fuck you, and then let him lie next to you at night when we're done." Derek said, almost rolling his eyes at his own predicament. He now knew what it was like to be the woman. The woman with the man who wouldn't commit.
"What are you saying, Derek?" Meredith asked as she looked at her feet.
"I think you know." He spat as he walked away.
"Hey..." Mark said as he walked up to where Meredith was standing.
"So, how much did you hear?" She asked with a frown.
"All of it." Mark said sadly,
"And?" Meredith asked quickly.
"I think you have a choice." Mark said as he slapped her on the back and walked away. He quickly walked up two flights and made his way to the nurses station on pediatrics.
"Sometimes you have to take one for the team..." He grumbled as he made his way over. "And how are you today?" Mark said as he leaned across, looking at Lexie. Not his type. She was pretty, yes. But not the kind Mark Sloan went for, by any means.
"I'm good." She said with a smile. "What are you doing up here?"
"Cleft palate. So, how would you like to go to Joe's with me tonight?" He asked quickly.
"Um, I don't think... Derek and I-" She started as she looked around.
"A drink. Not a date. Not go back to a cheap motel. A friendly drink." He clarified.
"Well..." She said with a sigh. "Okay." She told him.
"Good... Meet you at seven?" He asked.
"Sounds good." She said with a smile as she watched him walk away.
Once you've said something, you can't take it back. You can apologize. You can deny. You can hope over time that it's forgotten. But it was still said. It's always remembered. So, what do you do when you've said something? And more, what do you do when you're not sure you regret it?
Meredith laid in her bed and watched as Adrien undressed and changed into his pajamas. There was not a question in her mind that if Derek hadn't come back she would have lived very contently with Adrien. Of course, she still would have had her issues, but he would have cracked her. And it would have worked.
"What?" He asked with a smile as he looked over at her.
"Nothing." She muttered with a broken smile.
"You have something on your mind." He said as he climbed into the bed. "Can I help?"
"No." She said as she laid and looked at the ceiling.
"So, Richard was asking about you today." Adrien told her.
"I don't want to talk about it." She said quickly as she rubbed her face.
"Meredith..." He said softly.
"Fine! They ruined my life! They lied. They made decisions. They gave up. And they ruined my fucking life. Are you happy now?" She yelled as she rolled over.
"I'm sorry, Mer." He said as he rubbed her back. "I- You never said anything, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." He told her. He heard her sigh loudly. "I just- Your life...do you still consider it ruined? Because I am happy." He said as he nuzzled against her.
And that was when she knew. She knew what she had to do. She had to save them. She had to save herself.
Derek sat at the corner table of the tiny restaurant. She told him to meet her here. He had an uneasy feeling. Everything had been so secret. She hadn't shown his any affection in public. She barely talked to him at the hospital. It was a super-secret relationship, that wasn't even a relationship at all. He sipped his water as he watched the door. He sucked in air as he saw her walk past the large window in a pair of tight jeans and a long sleeve shirt. The sunlight bounced off of her hair, illuminating her face with a soft glow.
"Hey..." He said as he watched her walk up. He quickly stood up and pulled out her chair.
"Hey." She said as she sat down on the chair. No hug. No kiss. Just red-rimmed eyes.
This was bad. He didn't have to hear her talk to know what was going to be said. He threw her in this position. Adrien or him. He forced her into it. And now he was regretting it. A piece of Meredith was better than nothing. A small part of her. A glance at her smile. The sweet taste of her flesh. The flowery scent that wafted around her. Just a smidgen. And now he knew. And now he wanted to take a page out of her book. Now he wanted to avoid.
"I hear they have a good Rueben here." He said as he looked at the menu. He wasn't bringing it up.
"Derek." She said as she sat her menu down on the table. A cold chill worked its way up her spine and made her body quiver.
"But the turkey is good too. I like the soup." He said with a nod.
"Derek." She said as she grabbed his menu and placed it down on the table.
"Don't say it." He said as his eyes locked with hers.
"I don't want to hurt." She said with a broken smile.
"I don't want you to hurt." He agreed as he watched the fear in her eyes as she built up to what she was going to say.
"This has to stop. Me and you. It wasn't meant to be." She lied as she looked at him. The knot in his stomach flipped, cutting of the circulation, pain following the necrosis. "Things are different. I've changed. You knew me for a year and a half, fourteen years ago. I'm not the same girl. God, your marriage has lasted longer than we knew each other. I don't want to hurt you. Adrien is special to me. And I think he can make me happy. So, I'm bowing out. I love you too much to keep you in limbo." She said with a sigh. "So, goodbye, Derek." She said as she put her hand on his and stood. She turned to walk away.
"Mer-" He said softly. She stopped in her tracks and listened. "I know you... I know that in the morning, you lay there for a few minutes with your eyes closed before you open them. You like to feel the sun on you face first. And when you stir your coffee, you always stir it three times around. You bite your lip when you are contemplating what to do. You wring your hands when you're nervous. You whimper when you climax. You like to walk barefoot in the rain, because you like the way it feels. And when you cry, your eyes turn gray. And if Adrien knew you, he would have known that you were sad at dinner. I don't care what you say, Mer, I know you. I know you better than myself. And I hope this works between you and Adrien. But if it doesn't, I'll be here. I'll be waiting. I have nothing else to wait for, and I don't want anything else." He said softly. As she walked away, she wiped the tears from her eyes. Now she was just praying she didn't make a mistake.
"You came..." Mark said as Lexie walked up to the table.
"I did." She said with a nod as she sat down. "So, how was your day?"
"It was good. Busy. But if I wasn't busy, I don't know what I'd be." He said with a smirk.
"No kidding." She said with a smile. "I'm actually picking up more hours, just so I don't have to go to my empty house."
"So, what do you want?" He asked as he lifted his glass up.
"Oh... A cosmo, I guess." She said with a shrug as she looked up.
"I'll be right back." He said with a smirk as he walked away. "Here you go..." He said as he sat her drink down.
"Thanks." She said as she took a sip. They looked around the busy bar. "Have you seen Derek?" She finally asked.
"I have." He said with quickly.
"Is he-" She started before she swallowed hard.
"Lexie... I know I don't know you very well... But I know Derek..." He said as he looked up. "Your marriage is over."
"Mark! I don't know who you think you are!" She spat as she started to stand up.
"Lexie... I'm not- I'm sorry." He said with a frown. She looked at him and sat back down.
"Why would you say that?" She asked. "Do you know her? Do you know who she is? He said he has loved her forever. You must know her..." Mark drew in a deep breath.
"I shouldn't have brought it up. Would you like another drink?" He asked, walking off before she even answered.
"Does he love her?" Lexie asked as a tear ran down her cheek. Mark looked at her and sighed.
"He does." Mark said, full of defeat.
"I want him to be happy. But I want him to be happy with me." She said as she began to cry.
"Lexie, even if he was with you-" Mark started.
"It will always be her." She finished as she wiped her tears. Mark nodded his head.
"Let's have a good time here. I don't want to sit here and mope. Let's play darts..." He suggested as he stood. She nodded her head and followed him.
Mark watched Lexie all night. She was still sad. She was hurting bad. But she was okay. He couldn't help but feel sorry for her. She was innocent in all of this. It was such a mess. Derek didn't and never would have loved her. She just deserved to be happy. And the plan that Addison had, flew out the window. That was not the way. She had to figure this out on her own.
Meredith was avoiding. It wasn't the run of the mill avoiding. Not the duck and run kind of avoiding. It was the real deal. Like make sure you're on a different floor. Or hide in a closet for three hours. She was terrified of seeing him. And he knew why. It was because she was scared. He knew what happened when they saw each other. Neither could control themselves. They never could.
Derek moped. Everyone around him could see it. The light he had in his eyes was missing. Not really missing, just not as bright. There was a difference in him since she was away. He missed seeing her smiling face. Hearing that infectious giggle. He just missed her. As the hours meshed into days and days into weeks, his hope was fading. Maybe she really was happy with Adrien. Maybe he had lost her.
Derek walked down the empty hallway in the basement. Human resources. He hated the basement. It was cold and dark. It was not the kind of place he wanted to be. He quickly walked, glancing back. He grunted as he ran into someone.
"Oh!" Meredith said as the files she was carrying were splayed out all over the floor.
"Sorry!" He said as they crouched down and began picking them up. "How are you?" He asked as he looked up at her.
"Good." She said as she took a deep breath. She didn't look into his eyes. She couldn't look into his eyes.
"Meredith..." He said as he tipped her chin and forced her to look up.
Derek nearly smiled when he looked at her. His smirk was for all the wrong reasons. She was content. He could see that. But she was also missing the spark. The diamonds in her eyes were missing. She was missing him, just as he was missing her.
"You're not happy." Derek thought.
"I'm fine." She responded guiltily.
"I miss you. I miss you so much..."
"I... Life isn't the same. Not without you." She thought as she picked up her last folder.
"I- I have to go..." She muttered as she walked off quickly.
"Mer." Derek muttered, falling on deaf ears as she disappeared down the hallway.
"Meredith..." Lexie said as she ran up alongside her. "What's wrong?" She said as she looked at Meredith's pale face.
"I screwed up. I- Both- I... Too much." She said as she rushed into the supply closet. She felt Lexie sit alongside her and wrap her arm around her.
"Calm down..." Lexie said as she rubbed her shoulder.
"I just want it to go away." Meredith muttered through the tears.
"What?" Lexie said as she looked up.
"The pain." She said as she gasped for air. She felt the tension build in her back. It pounded and pounded. She couldn't take it as she cried out.
"Just stop. I'm stopping. I am making it stop. Make it stop." Lexie rambled. "Fine. I love Derek. But guess what? He doesn't love me. Whatever. You have to stop your pain." She said quickly.
"It's not that easy." Meredith said as she breathed out heavily. "I have to- Surgery..." Meredith said as she struggled to get up. "I can't..." She said as she sat down."
"You can't stop the pain? You can..." Lexie said firmly.
"No. I can't get up." She said as she laid her head back.
"Oh no." Lexie said in a panic as she rushed out the door. "Derek!" She yelled as she watched him pass. "Derek!" He ignored her. "Meredith... She needs help..." He quickly wheeled around and jogged over.
"What's wrong?" He said as he rushed over.
"Her back." She said as she pointed. Meredith looked up at him in desperation. He quickly swooped her up and carried her to an empty room. She rolled over on her back. Derek pulled up her scrub shirt and began kneading her back. Lexie watched as he rubbed harder and harder, and Meredith's face relaxed.
"You need to go home." He said as he finished, he could feel her muscles relax in his hands.
"I-" She started.
"She needs to go home. Where is de Gaulle?" Derek asked Lexie.
"Conference in Atlanta." She said quickly.
"I'm fine." Meredith said as she stood up.
"You're not fine!" They both yelled at her.
"I can take her home." Lexie said with a smile. "I'm sure someone can cover for me."
"Rest." Derek said as he walked out.
"Thanks..." Meredith said as she felt the tears prick.
"Are you okay?" Lexie asked as she looked into Meredith's eyes.
"The pain." Meredith muttered as she closed her eyes.
"Oh! I'll get help..." Lexie said as she looked at her.
"Not that pain." Meredith muttered as she stood up.
Lexie took Meredith home. She knew something wasn't right. Something was definitely off. She couldn't put her finger on it... Neither spoke. She could see the pain that she was in, and she didn't want to say the wrong thing. She didn't want to make it worse. Meredith smiled as she shut the door and made her way into the bathroom. She was in true pain. She just wanted it to stop. The mental pain was turning into physical pain. And she couldn't take it. She sighed as she took one of her muscle relaxer and laid on her bed. Rest. She needed rest. And more so, she needed to wake up to a new life.
She didn't hear the click of the door lock. She didn't hear the faint footsteps walking through her home. She didn't hear him lay his coat on the chair. There was no sound heard as he slid his shoes off. And she definitely didn't hear him open her door and walk in. But she felt him. She felt him lay next to her. And she felt his eyes piercing her. And his arms wrap around her. Her feelings were confirmed as she opened her eyes, staring into a sea of blue.