This chapter references Episodes 9 and 11 of Series 4

Chapter 21

When Rowen finally managed to wrestle Lancelot's limp figure into Gaius' chambers, the first thing that struck her was the lack of guards who had been around to offer help. Anyone who had seen her struggling with the man had just scowled at him and turned away, which only increased Rowen's unease. The second thing to strike her was the fact that Merlin, Gaius, Arthur and Agravaine were already in the room. With Lancelot. Ah. That was a slight problem. Considering that she was also holding Lancelot.

"Rowen!" Merlin sighed with relief.

Arthur looked from the man in her arms, to the dead man on the physician's bench, "Would you care to explain what's going on?" he growled.

"That's not Lancelot," she managed to get out, trying to catch her breath, "Could you-"

Arthur and Merlin both rushed over to her and, taking the knight in their arms, carried him over to a seat by the fire- the only available space in the room. Gaius grabbed a few herbs and bustled over while Rowen explained.

"I found him in the woods," she only half lied, "I had suspected something was off when he said he'd been ill those few days when he was missing. I had helped Elyan search the knight's quarters and was certain I had checked Lancelot's. He was not there. When I approached him about it the other day, he was so cold, nothing like the Lancelot we all know. I knew something must be wrong, so I asked him something I knew only Lancelot would know the answer to."

"Which was?" Arthur asked impatiently.

Rowen quickly thought up a bluff. "When Gwen and I were kidnapped and held for ransom by Hengist all those years ago, there was a time he helped us to escape. He planned to hold off Hengist's men while Gwen and I escaped," she noticed but ignored how Arthur flinched when she mentioned his bride, "I asked him if he remembered the time Hengist thought Uther would pay a ransom for me and Morgana and then what he had said to me before I ran."

"And?"

"He said he remembered helping us but not what he had said to me, which was fair enough. It was many years ago."

"How on earth did that prompt you to come to the conclusion that-" Agravaine began angrily.

"It didn't," Rowen admitted, quite proud of herself for coming up with the lie she had, "It was what he said afterwards that made me sure. He said, 'I regret I cannot remember. I was so focused on ensuring you and your sister got away safely.' Gwen is not my sister and Lancelot would never forget he had helped to rescue Gwen."

"Why didn't you come to me?" Arthur asked.

"Because I knew something was wrong and I didn't want to upset you before your wedding."

Arthur looked down sadly.

"What is it?"

"It doesn't matter. Tell us what happened after you figured out that it wasn't Lancelot."

Rowen frowned but did as the king asked, "I came to speak to Gaius. But he wasn't here. So I decided to start looking through some of his books while I waited for him. I found something about a thing called a Shadow. It can be conjured by Dark Magic and have its mind controlled by a sorcerer. It's just like a copy of a person but without any of the willpower."

Gaius moved across his room to start looking through books, "Was this the one you read?" he asked.

She nodded, and the old man started flicking through the pages, pretending he didn't know which one he was looking for, "Here, Sire."

Arthur read the book and looked astounded, "So you decided to go and look for the real one. By yourself."

Rowen nodded, "I couldn't be sure I was right," she explained, "And besides, what could I say?"

"And you just found him in the forest?" Agravaine snapped.

She nodded and lied, "I don't know how he escaped whichever sorcerer what holding him captive, but I found him lying alone in the forests."

"You shouldn't have gone alone," Arthur scolded her, "And you should have come to me. But you did well."

"Arthur, what happened to the Shadow? Why is it dead?"

Arthur suddenly looked very serious, "Merlin will explain. I've got to go and oversee… something. Thank you for finding our Lancelot."

She nodded and watched in confusion as the king left, swiftly followed by a furious looking Agravaine. She turned to Merlin who quickly and very sadly explained what had happened.

"Oh no," she frowned when he had finished, "That's awful."

"The worst part is," Merlin sat down heavily, watching as Gaius tended to his friend, "That finding Lancelot doesn't change anything in Arthur's mind. Gwen still betrayed him."

From then on, no matter how hard he tried not to be, Arthur was always slightly cold towards Lancelot. Not necessarily because he was angry, but more because he reminded him of Guinevere. Rowen had explained what had really happened, with the exception of where she had found Lancelot. For some unknown reason, Merlin still insisted on keeping the location of Morgana's hut a secret. Probably because he would have to explain how he came across the knowledge which would also mean explaining that he tried to kill Arthur.

Lancelot recovered well. Gaius explained that he was only exhausted due to the enchantment Morgana had placed on him in order to uphold the Shadow's existence. Once he was rested and fed, he was completely fine, although slightly miffed about his missing hair and horrified about what he- or his clone- had done. He couldn't apologise enough to Arthur, who had told him multiple times that he was not to blame.

And somehow, even without Gwen, everything seemed to ease back into normality.

Rowen couldn't believe it. Arthur was going to marry Princess Mithian. Unlike everyone else, she had neither smiled nor clapped as he made the announcement, choosing instead to glare at Arthur's back furiously. She didn't speak up- it wasn't her place- but she would be having words with Arthur later. Judging by the look on Merlin's face, she wasn't the only one, either.

She didn't have the chance to have that conversation before Mithian arrived and, with the princess in the castle, it felt almost wrong to do so. By the way Merlin was now in a sour mood, she guessed that he had spoken up and it had not ended too well.

Rowen had joined them on the hunting trip and found herself getting on extremely well with Mithian. When Arthur wasn't sending her evil eyes to let him speak to his future wife alone, she was getting on swimmingly with the princess. In the times that Arthur was sweet talking Mithian, Rowen was watching Merlin, trying to figure out why he was still in such an awful mood. She's watched his unusual care towards a certain deer. It was strange, because even she- along with everyone else in Camelot- knew of his hatred towards hunting, he'd most certainly seen Arthur kill deer before.

When a day or so later, Merlin was sulking around the castle in an even worse mood than before, and Rowen addressed him. He had explained about the maps to siege tunnels and how the deer that had been shot in the forest was actually Gwen.

"What? Is she alright?" she ignored his concern about Agravaine and the maps.

"She's fine, I went out last night and found her."

"Oh, thank heavens," she sighed in relief, "Now, what were you saying about those maps?"

"Gwen told me Agravaine gave Morgana a copy of the siege tunnels. I told Arthur, but when we went to check, they were still there. He's furious."

"I'll speak to him, don't worry."

"He keeps threatening me with exile. I don't know what to do."

"It's alright, Merlin. I go now and talk to him."

He nodded gratefully. She stormed through the castle, straight to Arthur's chambers and didn't even bother to knock. Arthur was standing at the window looking pensively across his kingdom.

"You must have completely lost your mind," she told him quietly.

"Any why is that?" Arthur asked.

She didn't reply, instead walking slowly across the room to join him.

"I know what you're going to tell me," he said when she reached his side.

"Do you?"

"You're going to tell me I shouldn't marry Mithian."

"You're wrong. Well, you're right in that I don't think you should marry her, but that's not what I was going to say."

"It's not?" Arthur seemed genuinely surprised.

"I was actually going to ask you something," she said, "Something I want you to consider very carefully and answer me honestly."

"Alright."

"There's one person-" she began.

"If this is about Guinevere-" Arthur threatened.

"No. It's not actually. It's about arguably someone more important. If you'll let me finish."

Arthur sighed, "Go on then."

"There's one person," she started again, "Who has not once ever betrayed you. Who has advised you, helped you, saved you, and made you a better person since the day they met you. A person who has shaped you into a great and respected king. A person who has always been and will always be by your side and is willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of you and your future. Not once has this person ever given you a wrong piece of information or betrayed you in anyway. They've very nearly died for you on multiple occasions and literally lives to protect and serve you. They give you the best advice of anyone in the kingdom despite having debatably the lowest status. They consider you in the upmost respect and as a brilliant friend. Any idea who I might be talking about?"

Arthur didn't reply, only pursing his lips.

"Right," she said, "I'll take that as a yes. So, now I will ask my question. When, Arthur, are you going to learn to listen to him?" she shouted, "Time and time again he's told you something and you haven't believed him and then something terrible happens because he turns out to be right. Time and time again you've threatened him and abused him because of something he has said when he's the last person you'd want to see gone. How long is it going to take you to realise that he's the one person in this world that you can trust? He is the only person who has never ever let you down."

"He lets me down on a daily basis," Arthur said dangerously quietly.

"What, by not bringing your breakfast to you on time? Most of the time he's too busy trying to save your backside."

"No. By not giving me reason to trust him. I want to. I want to listen to every word he says and believe everything. But how can I when there is no reason for me to? If he would just trust me. If he would just tell me the truth so I know that what he says is reliable."

"But you do know."

"Of course I do! But he doesn't know that. How can I going running after something or arresting someone on the word of a servant who, as far as he thinks I know, just has a suspicion?"

"Because he's trying to save you. Save the kingdom!"

"It's more complicated than that," Arthur told her.

"Is it?"

"Yes! He accused my uncle! A servant accused a lord without any evidence. He speaks out and it's not his place to. What am I supposed to do?"

"Believe him! When has he ever been wrong?"

Arthur looked deeply saddened, "Never."

"Why did you threaten him, Arthur? You know he's right."

"He makes me want to kill him," Arthur said with a humourless laugh, "Knowing what he is and knowing that he doesn't want me to know. He still thinks I hate magic."

"You did tell him it was pure evil," Rowen reminded him.

"He had just killed my father."

"Arthur! That was not-"

"His fault," Arthur finished, "I know. But to be honest, I still think magic is evil. And I don't want to lose him to it just like I've lost everyone else. My mother and my father. Morgana. And now even Guinevere."

"And you think threatening to send him away is going to convince him to stay as your loyal friend, you do? You just shouted at him for lying to you when you know he was telling the truth. And maybe none of us know exactly what happened, but you're still putting your status above trusting your best friend. You're the king Arthur! The people love you, he loves you. Why are you treating him like this?"

"Because I care about him! You're right! He is the only person I trust in this whole world. That man follows me into battle without even thinking about what might happen to him. He doesn't bring any swords or daggers or protection. The only weapon he has he can't even use because he's too busy hiding it. He's the first and last person I see everyday assuming he's not missing somewhere getting himself killed. He doesn't tell me his biggest secret because he's worried about me having to choose between him and my dead father. He's so ridiculously loyal and selfless and honourable. Lancelot was right all those months ago when he said it was Merlin I should knight. But I can't. And that tears me apart every single day. Because the person I trust and rely on most in the entire world, doesn't trust me."

"He does trust you, Arthur. It kills him not being able to tell you. But he can't. You know he can't. And you know why he can't."

"That's what hurts the most," Arthur admitted, "He can't tell me because of me. And it feels like I'm causing him pain. Pretending that I don't know. I killed the only love he's ever had. He didn't even tell me that his father had died in his arms while I was standing only a few feet away and so heartlessly told him that he shouldn't be upset. I've killed people like him just for having magic. And still he's so annoyingly loyal! I don't understand why!"

"Because of you Arthur. He knows what a good man you are."

"I killed the love of his life! I watched him mourn his father without an ounce of sympathy. His best friend died protecting his secret and I told him some heartless thing about how deceitful sorcerers are. I've watched him suffer for years and never done a thing about it. What does that make me?"

Rowen was speechless.

"I think I've lost so much," Arthur continued, "But he's lost just as much and more. More than I'll ever know. I mean, how many times has he tried to sacrifice himself for me? Or someone else he loves? He deserves so much more than to be pushed aside and ignored."

"Then don't push him aside. Listen to him. You might be king, but you don't have to do this alone. Make it up to him, Arthur. Maybe say thank you for once."

Arthur nodded, "Find him, please. Tell him I'm- I want to speak to him."

Rowen smiled, "I will. And maybe don't make him feel like rubbish this time."

Arthur smiled with watery eyes and watched as she left before picking up the ring he'd found in the forest and twirling it around his fingers. It occurred to him briefly that not once had either of them mentioned the name of who they spoke of. But it didn't matter. Only one person could be so important to someone while also being a complete idiot.

"Do you know what he said to me?" Arthur laughed as he walked through the grounds with Rowen, "He said, 'No one would sacrifice more you Camelot or you than Gwen'. As if he hasn't offered up his life for mine on multiple occasions," he sobered, "And then, last night, I told him that I'm doomed to be a bachelor. As if I didn't kill the only person who could prevent Merlin from being single forever."

"Arthur!" Rowen rolled her eyes, "At least tell me you said thank you."

Arthur nodded, "He looked so happy."

"Good. Now, stop being so mean to him."

Arthur scoffed, "He needs someone to be mean to him every now and then. He can't have life too easy. Besides, it would be suspicious I suddenly started being nice."

"I'm not sure you know how to be nice," Rowen teased and the king scowled before stopping.

"Just look at him," Arthur put a hand on Rowen's arm to stop her from walking and used his other to point to Merlin who was stumbling onto the training grounds carrying way too much equipment. He tripped over his feet and the armour went clattering everywhere.

"How can I ignore that?" Arthur asked, "He's just begging to be mocked."

Rowen chuckled, "Go on. Go and help him."