Sorry for the long wait for this chapter, but if I rush my writing gets really bad. Hopefully it won't take so long to write and edit the next chapter. Just a reminder, at this point, Dean and Sam don't know about Chuck's true identity. Thank you to everyone for their patience. Only a few chapters left. Also thank you to DearHart, sjwmaw, OldGirl-NoraArlani, SilentDragon02 and shadowhuntingdauntlessdemigod for their kind reviews.
By the time they'd finished breakfast, a few more people had joined them on the porch to enjoy the morning, or a second cup of coffee. Declan perched on the steps on the other side of Sam. He gave them a friendly smile, but didn't try to engage them in conversation. Out of all of Fiona's brothers, Declan was the most even-tempered and quiet. The three men sat in companionable silence until they were interrupted by Kate. She had a piece of paper in hand and seemed rather flustered. Stopping in front of where they were sitting, she consulted her document.
"So, Declan, you're going with Sharron. And Sam and Dean - you guys are with Fiona. We'll be leaving in about 25 minutes." And with that odd announcement, she hurried over to where another group of people were standing. Declan got to his feet and brushed off his pants. Sam reached out to catch his attention.
"Wait, where are we going?" That was Dean's question too, so he waited eagerly for the answer.
"Oh yeah, you wouldn't know. Our grandfather on our mother's side was a pastor. Every year the whole family goes over to his old church on Boundary Road for a service." Declan was matter of fact, but then must have caught something in Dean's expression. "Uh, it's completely optional. You don't have to go if you don't want to." He grabbed his empty mug and with a nervous nod, fled into the kitchen.
"That sounds nice," said Sam, but Dean was in no mood to sit in a hot stuffy church and pretend to pray.
"Uh-uh. You might be into that kind of thing, but I'm gonna take a hard pass." He leaned in closer to Sam to keep his voice from carrying. "You know I'm not a big fan of the god squad."
"Yeah, I know." Dean had expected an argument, or for Sam to try and convince him, but Sam didn't speak. Instead he just stared out over the lawn where the sun was burning the dew off of the grass. "I think I'll go. It will give me a chance to talk to Fiona." He shot an apprehensive glance at Dean. "You'll be here when we get back?" The question was casual, but Dean knew that Sam was worried that he might take the opportunity to sneak off and avoid what was going to be a painful goodbye tomorrow. He'd be lying if he said that the thought hadn't crossed his mind, but he knew how much that would hurt his brother and he wouldn't do that to Sam.
"I'll be here." Dean tried to put as much reassurance into his words as possible and Sam broke into one of his shy grins. He clapped Dean on the back as he climbed to his feet and made his way back into the house. Dragging his hands across his hair Dean hung his head, hands clasped behind his neck. Despite his promise, he was restless. He needed to get back behind the wheel, where he did his best thinking.
A little while later Dean watched from the porch as people climbed into cars or boarded the school bus that Kate apparently had arranged to bring the majority of the family. He waved as one by one the cars and then the bus pulled away. Colin and Declan were already in Sharron's jeep and Ethan kissed Jacob before joining them. Jacob retreated to the porch, hands shoved deep into is pockets and a hard look on his face. Finally Sharron appeared at Dean's elbow.
"You're sure you don't want to come?" she asked, for once dropping the teasing tone. Dean shook his head.
"Nah, I'm good," he said with a smile and followed her to her car. She squeezed his arm in farewell and then got in. He closed the driver's door with a thump and then stood back to join Jacob as they watched her maneuver down the tree-lined drive.
After spending the past few days with the MacCallum family, the quiet was suddenly both welcome and a bit oppressive. He had become accustomed to the laughter, the constant chatter, the shrill voices of happy children. At the same time, he could feel some of the stress leave his body. Usually it was just him and Sam, with Cas popping in and out of their lives. Dean had been on his best behaviour for almost a week now and he needed to relax. He cleared his throat.
"Wanna go for a drive?," he asked Jacob. There was still a tightness around the younger man's mouth, but Jacob nodded, so Dean clapped him on the shoulder and dug Baby's keys out of his pocket.
The Impala purred as he guided her down the open road. The sun was warm on his arm through the open window, Zeppelin was on the stereo and Dean felt like himself for the first time in days. The only thing that was off was that, when he turned his head, Jacob was in the passenger seat instead of Sam. The younger man was wearing a purple t-shirt with a print of one of those paw-waving cats you see in Chinese restaurants, but although the cat on his chest was cheerful, Jacob definitely was not. The kid was frowning out the window and it was really sucking the joy out Dean's morning. He reached over and turned the music down.
"So, what's bugging you?" he asked, although he knew he was probably going to regret it. Jacob sighed and shrugged.
"Nothing, I'm fine." Dean had to smile. How often had Sam said those exact same words from that exact same spot? He had a lot of experience with Sam's moodiness, and even if Jacob wasn't his responsibility, he couldn't let the guy be so miserable. He waited until a few more miles flew by before trying another tactic.
"So, did you and Ethan have a fight?" At that, Jacob looked puzzled. Obviously it wasn't relationship trouble which was a huge relief.
"No. Why would you ask?"
"Well you're here with me instead of getting all holy with your boyfriend, and you look pissed off about something," Dean said glancing over. He'd coaxed a small smile out of Jacob who looked more like his normally good-natured self, but the smile faded quickly as Jacob sighed, then explained.
"It's the church part that's the problem," he declared, the scowl deepening, drawing his eyebrows together.
"Ah, not much of a church goer, huh?" Dean was okay with that. More than once he'd seen the horrible things supposed people of faith did to one another. And other than Cas, most of the angels he'd met had been complete dicks. Church was a good source of holy water, and not much else.
"I used to be." Jacob's voice was soft, but angry. "When I was a kid, my family was very religious; church three times a week, Bible study every Thursday, prayers before every meal and at bedtime." He stopped talking for a moment to stare out the window at the sunshiny morning. "Then my parents found out I was gay and a few weeks before I turned 17, they dumped me off at a camp that was supposed to turn me straight." The pain and bitterness in his voice spoke to the depth of his hurt.
"Damn. I'm sorry Jacob." He meant it. Dean had read about some of the abuse that those sorts of places called "therapy." No kid should be made ashamed for being who they are, much less get signed up for torture by their parents. Jacob gave him a long look, but finally offered a shrug.
"Thanks, it was a long time ago. Besides, if I hadn't run away from the camp, I'd never have met Ethan." Now that was a statement just begging to be asked about.
"Okay, I'll bite. How did you meet Ethan?" It seemed like talking about his boyfriend was helping to lift Jacob's mood, so Dean would play along.
"Well I was in the camp for about a month before I finally got the chance to run away during a wilderness hike. I spent the next few days hiding and wandering around. Eventually one night, I found a farm, and snuck into the barn to try and find something to eat. I was so tired I fell asleep and the next morning, the farmer found me and called the sheriff's office. Luckily, the farmer was Mrs. Jennings and the officer who responded to the call was Brian." If the kid looked a little smug, he'd earned it. That was quite the story. Dean noticed how Jacob had glossed over a month of torment and then living on the run, starving and afraid for days. The estimation of his passenger grew. Jacob had been through a lot.
"Since I was still gay, my parents didn't want me back." Jacob paused and a wistful sadness slid across his face. Dean clenched the steering wheel hard enough to turn his knuckles white. Parents who reject their children deserve a serious beat down. Jacob cleared his throat to continue.
"Anyway, I didn't have anywhere to go, so Mrs. Jennings let me stay with her. I saw Ethan around school, but he was a senior, and headed off to University. It wasn't until he came back after graduating that we connected." Jacob glanced down at his hands. "Ethan's not a go-to-church-every-Sunday kind of guy, but he still believes. It's just that I don't - not anymore." There was a fierce look on Jacob's face, but overall he seemed less upset than he had been. Dean found that sometimes, people just wanted an opportunity to tell their story and be heard. He was glad he could be a bit of a sounding board for the kid.
"So that explains why you're not on the pro-God bus." Dean reached over and loosely shoved Jacob's shoulder. The friendly gesture seemed to settle him and Jacob finally relaxed back into the seat.
"What about you? Don't you believe in God?" Normally Dean would have bushed off the question and changed the subject, but something about Jacob's story had him wanting to answer truthfully. He'd lost his faith as a child. Who could believe in a heavenly father who stole his mother from him and turned his Dad into someone cold and distant? Then, when Castiel saved him from Hell, he'd had to accept that if angels existed, then God did too. But it didn't change his opinion of the guy.
"I do. I think he exists, I just don't think he gives a damn about us." Over his life, he'd seen too many horrific things happen, things that happened to good people, things that God didn't lift a finger to stop. Jacob pondered what he'd said for a minute and Dean kicked himself for bringing down his mood again.
"So, what do you believe in?" the younger man asked. A few years ago Dean would have said that he believed in himself and the gun in his hand. But after everything with the Mark of Cain and how far he'd gone down the path to darkness, Dean barely trusted himself, much less had faith in himself. If it wasn't for Sam fighting to save him from himself, he wouldn't be here. Time and time again when Dean had lost all hope in anything good or decent, Sam had found a way to bring him back. So the answer to Jacob's question was easy.
"I believe in my brother." The words rang true and it hit Dean how hard it was going to be to leave Sam behind in the morning. He swallowed the thought down. Right now he just wanted to drive and forget what tomorrow would bring. He checked his watch. "Look, I figure we've got about half an hour before we need to head back, so let's roll!" With that he shot Jacob a grin that was only slightly forced, turned the music up and put the pedal down.
xxxxxxx
Fiona was a careful and safe driver. Nothing like Dean who drove flat out and free. Sam snuck a look at Jonathan in the rear-view mirror. The little guy was fully absorbed in some kind of video game. Before they'd left he'd negotiated the screen time like a pro, getting his mother to bend on everything except sound. Apparently Fiona had reached her limit with the electronic beeps and bloops, but Johnny looked both content and adorable wearing purple headphones. With their son occupied, it also provided a perfect opening to talk to Fiona.
"So, um, I wanted to talk to you." Sam saw her briefly glance back at Johnny before shooting him a questioning look.
"Sure, Sam." He took a deep breath and rubbed his hands across his jeans. All morning he'd been thinking about how to explain how he felt and he'd finally decided to stop agonizing over the wording and just do his best.
"Um, you know I was raised by my Dad, well, our Dad loved us, but he was gone a lot when we were kids. We moved around a lot, and he left us alone in sketchy motels and broken down rentals. There was never enough money, and over the years, I attended more schools than I can count. I know that he did what he thought was best for us, but for a long time, I resented him, maybe even hated him a little." She turned her head to look at him, but he refused to meet her eyes and she had to put her attention back to the road. Fiona's Honda was a lot smaller than the Impala and Sam felt a little claustrophobic, but he pushed on. He had to get this off his chest.
"I understood that his work was important, but I felt so hurt. Not just for all the birthdays and Christmases he never made it to, but also for all the little things he missed in my life; the bedtime stories, soccer games, and science fairs. I was beyond lucky that I had Dean, who did everything in his power to make up for it, but Dean was just a kid himself and sometimes, even though I was mad at him, I just really wanted my Dad." Dean was the one who was always there for him, always putting Sam's needs before his own, and he was grateful beyond words for his brother. He loved Dean for sacrificing his own childhood so that Sam could have one, but Sam still had longed for Dad's affection, praise, and approval.
"As I got older I got increasingly angry with my father. At the time, I felt misunderstood and frustrated, so I blamed him for everything that was wrong in my life. I was defiant, rebellious and selfish. Typical teenager I guess." Those days seemed like a couple of lifetimes ago, and he had to smile regretfully as he remembered.
"Anyway, I don't want Jonathan to resent me someday. I want to see him grow up and be a part of his life for all the big moments and the little moments and everything in between. I never want him to feel unimportant or to wonder whether I love him." Fiona had tears in her eyes which she wiped away with a kleenex she snagged one-handed from her purse. Sam was wrung out from talking, he wasn't used to expressing his feeling to anyone other than Dean, but he had one more point to make.
"Yesterday you asked me what part I was planning to play in Jonathan's life. Well, if it's okay with you, I want to be his father full-time. I'm going to make mistakes and I know I might not be the man you would have chosen, but I promise to do everything I can to make Johnny happy and to be worthy of being his Dad." His voice cracked at those last words. Sam had spoken from the heart in a way that he hadn't in a very long time. God knows he was still worried, but he would do right by his son or die trying.
"Oh Sam," said Fiona wetly. She sniffed and wiped her nose on the kleenex. "Of course! Johnny's going to be so happy."