Paralyzed

Disclaimer; all characters and copyright belong to their respective owners.

A/N-thank you to everyone who kindly reviewed the last chapter. This chapter has undergone several revisions so I apologise in advance for any mistakes.

Chapter Thirty-Three-Mourning

"Are you deliberately trying to cause trouble, Hux?" Ben demanded as he glared down at Hux's pasty face. The former First Order general was now sporting a split lip and bruised knuckles. After breaking up the fight between him and Finn, Ben had hastily escorted Hux back to his cell in order to get him out of the limelight.

Hux slumped down on the wooden bench in his cell and gingerly touched his swollen lip. "Is this the part where you Force choke me, Ren? Isn't that the usual punishment you dish out when your subordinates disappoint you?" His tone was filled with loathing as he wiped the welling blood with the back of his hand.

Armitage's bitter accusation found its mark. Ben flinched as a host of painful memories, deep and horrible, began to torture him. Every word Hux said was true. How often had he hurt and humiliated the man? Just like Snoke had done to him, he had done the same to others who had dared defy him. Hux had every right to loathe and despise him. Those painful memories remained sharply in focus as Ben changed tack and tried to reason with his former rival.

"Why did you hit him?" He asked in a gentler tone.

"Why does it matter?" Armitage countered.

"You are not a fighter, Hux." Ben persisted. "Something pushed you over the edge to make you lash out like that. What made you hit him?"

"For the same reason you cut Snoke in half to save the scavenger. It's just a pity it wasn't you. I would have gotten more satisfaction." Hux sneered, before lowering himself on his bunk and closing his eyes to indicate he was done answering questions.

A similar conversation was going on between Poe and Finn. The two friends sat side by side outside the med-tent watching as the cloudy night rolled in, covering the last of the twilight sky, as if the blackness failed to come fast enough. The rolling grey rapidly became as invisible as the stars it concealed, but the air remained humid. The low sky imparted a claustrophobic tension, heightening the one between the two men.

"I don't understand where your head is at, Finn. I wish you would talk to me." Poe pleaded. "You've got me worried, buddy. Even though we've all had the urge to wipe the smug smile off of Hug's face, you've always showed more restraint."

"You're forgetting he hit me first." Finn replied angrily.

"But why would he hit you?" Poe questioned.

"Ask Rose."

"I'm asking you." Poe rested his hand cautiously on Finn's shoulder. He half expected his friend to shrug his hand away, but instead Finn's head dipped as he rubbed a hand over his face. "Whatever is troubling you, just tell me. I'm all ears."

Finn shook his head as he let out a weary sigh. "How can I tell you when I don't understand myself?"

"Is this about Rey?" Poe asked carefully. "I know how you feel about her."

Finn's jaw locked as he cast a despairing glance in Poe's direction. "Partly…but its so much more than that. I don't know where I fit in anymore. I used to…but not anymore." He paused as he tried to find the right words to explain the growing turmoil inside him. "I escaped the First Order only to have it follow me right here. This was supposed to be my safe place, Poe." He sighed heavily. "Seeing Kylo Ren having the run of the camp with no thought or consequence just because he's Leia's son…." He stopped again when he saw the glimmer of repressed grief in Poe's eyes at the mention of his beloved general. "I'm sorry I know how much she meant to you. I admired her too."

"Uh huh." Poe's mouth worked as he tried to contain his emotions. With the burden of the Resistance's future landing squarely on his shoulders, he had hardly had the space to mourn. In public he hid behind his usual cavalier attitude, but in private he struggled with the depth of his grief. When Ben had opened up to him the other night, the two of them had a long and heartfelt discussion about Leia. It felt good to be able to talk about her so openly and had been cathartic for both of them, but he felt unable to share this with Finn. His friend wasn't in the right mindset for him to defend his perceived enemy. "It upsets me that you feel isolated, Finn. I don't want you to feel that way."

"I know I've acted badly…. I just…" Finn took another deep breath as he looked up at the grey sky. He was feeling increasingly claustrophobic. The low sky had become a ceiling of grey black rock above. Only the wind and the first drops of rain made him feel able to breathe.

With her hair swept up into a side braid and wearing a turquoise tunic that highlighted the swirling green among the brown in her hazel eyes, Rey materialised out of the shadows in front of them. She was beautiful, stunning even. For the first time it hit Finn how much she had moved beyond the shy, slightly reserved scavenger girl he had first met on Jakku. She was always strong and self-sufficient but her adventures had changed her, moulded her into the woman she was now. She had matured, grown comfortable in her own skin. He had allowed his hatred of Kylo Ren to distort his view of her and he was ashamed. She didn't need him to rescue her.

"Rey." Finn stepped up to meet her; his brown eyes shone with remorse. "I'm sorry."

Rey's compassionate gaze found his and she smiled tentatively. "I'm sorry, too."

Finn finally found the strength to smile for the first time in days. Maybe everything wasn't totally lost. He just needed to find his new purpose, and with his friends' support, maybe he would finally find it.

Finn found Rose sitting listlessly outside her quarters. Streaming tears cleansed her cheeks. Few droplets remained, forgetting their way as the path was swept from beneath them, consequently blurring her vision with waves of sadness. The salty release calmly flowed into her mouth so that she could taste her own sorrow.

Finn hunkered down in front of her, reaching for her cold hands and wrapping his warm fingers around them. "I am so sorry for hurting you, Rose." He said earnestly. He tried to get her to look at him but she avoided his sincere gaze, still not ready to accept his apology with her feelings so open and raw.

"I'm not ready." Rose's voice trembled with every word she spoke.

"I know." Finn swallowed thickly as he hung his head. "I shouldn't have pushed you."

"You shouldn't have used me. I deserve better than always being second best."

Rose's words couldn't make Finn feel worse than he already did. "You deserve the world, Rose Tico. I wish I could be the man you deserve…but I'm so messed up. I need to find out who I am before I could ever hope to be that."

Rose drew in another shaky breath as she gently slipped her hands out of his. I wish you well, Finn." She said as graciously as she could. "But can you go. I really need to be alone right now."

"Okay." Finn agreed sadly. As he stood, he pressed a gentle kiss into her hair. "Goodnight, Rose." He murmured, before walking away.

Ben sat next to his mother's body. The soft silken sheet that covered her lifeless form glowed ghostly white in the darkness. It had been days and she still wasn't one with the Force. Ben could sense her restless spirit; something was still chaining her to this plane of existence and somehow, he felt it was because of him.

"I miss you, Mom." His grief surged with every expelled breath, reaching higher and higher peaks. All pretence of quiet coping was lost as his head sank into his hands.

Since his encounter with Hux, a heavy feeling descended on him, like the weight of his past legacy was once again resting on his shoulders and there was nothing he could do to get out from under it. He was full of regret. He longed for his mother's wise counsel. He wished he had gotten to tell her he loved her one last time. He didn't get to hold her close, before she slipped away. He never even got to look into her loving face before she died. To see her faith in him renewed.

"Ben?" The tent flaps parted and his reason for existing walked inside. He looked up at Rey, his grief and despair etched on his face. "Oh, Ben." Rey sobbed as she cried the tears that couldn't find their way out of his eyes. He opened his arms to her and she slipped into them, resting her head on his shoulder, holding him together like she always did as he mourned.

A/N-thanks for reading!