CHAPTER 23 - You don't raise heroes, you raise sons
Soichiro Yagami was observing his son with worries in his eyes. Light was not concentrated on his work, he was constantly panting and yesterday, he even managed to break a porcelain cup. Right now, he was blankly staring into his computer, reading the same page for over an hour and his hand was reaching to the sugar-basin. Soichiro raised his eyebrow as he watched Light putting 5 cubes of sugar to his coffee. His eyes met with Mogi, who was watching the same scene a second ago. Mogi only shrugged, not letting the chief know what he was thinking about it, but it was kind of clear what was going on. And it must have been clear to everyone. Except perhaps Matsuda.
Light was extremely worried about Ryuzaki.
His harsh behaviour towards Watari and KT two days ago showed that the boy was losing control of his own feelings. And his feelings… were obviously much more than just friendship for the man.
His son was lovesick.
It wasn't that much surprising, because Light was very thoughtful towards Ryuzaki for the past few weeks. All the cakes from the bakery and the way Light was always as close as possible to Ryuzaki, these things were a huge give away.
Soichiro couldn't believe that his son was able to show affection this strongly. He thought he raised him to be in control of his feelings. It was making him uncomfortable. And apparently not only him, because he saw Aizawa clenching his fists when Light let out another long and loud sigh.
Damn Light, we don't have time for this… Soichiro thought. And looked into his computer again. Kira started killing again. Not that he wasn't before, but yesterday, he exterminated half of the prison somewhere in France. So the taskforce was overwhelmed with work and Light wasn't helping a bit. He was even apathetic towards it.
Soichiro bit into his own tongue and tried to focus on his work again. He failed to see any reason why now. Why was Kira holding back before and striked now?! What was his motivation?
His eyes slid to his son again. He was resting his head in his hand and his eyes were focused on stirring sugar in his coffee. Soichiro frowned. The speed that his mind led him to his son being Kira and using the Death Note to let out his frustrations, was disturbing.
No… that's ridiculous. Even Ryuzaki wouldn't think this way. Kira is cold and calculated, he is not using his emotions in any way.
Soichiro decided to pack it up for the night. He had enough of emotional Light, enough of Kira and enough of his own mind, whispering nonsense to him.
L was not even able to cry anymore. He spent hours and hours looking at the ceiling, his mind was bank. How long was he gone from the task force? 24 hours? More? He didn't know. His mind and heart were full of pain and grief. Pain from the fact that he fell for his enemy, from the fact that he now carried his child, the child that was conceived during rape… and grief… grief because he couldnt make himself hate Light. The boy was Kira. The world's worst murderer ever. The boy was a rapist. And yet… he loved him. He loved him with all his being and somewhere deep inside he was smiling from ear to ear at the thought that he might have his baby…
The real proof of our love… however ridiculous that thought was.
No… L thought… I can't fall for this baby… not yet.
He needed a plan. He needed to figure out how to move further from this point. He was trying hard but he couldn't bring his mind to come up with something. He was too tired to calculate. The baby was simply way out of the scenario.
There was a quiet knock on the door.
L lifted his head from his pillow.
"Come in…" he said with a weak voice and watched as the door opened and white haired boy came into the room. He looked extremely pale in the light of the lamp.
"Hello Nate…" L greeted him silently.
"Hello father…" the boy answered and came closer to the bed, scanning him. L was pale and his eyes were puffy. The sight made Near feel uncomfortable.
"Are you feeling alright?" the boy asked.
L gave a small nod: "Not great, but alright. Thank you."
There was a moment of silence, the man and the boy were staring at each other. After a moment L couldn't help but smile. Nate was so much like him.
"Would you like to join me here in bed?"
Near nodded and climbed up to the queen size bed, sitting crossed legged and still watching dad with his big analytic eyes. L sat up and rested his back against the pillow: "What can I do for you young man?"
"I would like to ask you for the Kira case files." Near said, without blinking.
L's eyes went impossibly wide. He was not expecting this. On the other hand, Near was expecting the question Why?, so he answered before L was even able to word it:
"I would like to study the case and learn from it. I have a few of my own theories on Kira and I would like to know if I am meeting reality at some point."
Now it was L's time to scan his son. But Near was not the one to lie and it was not so surprising that he had his own theories. L was actually surprised that Mello was not the first to ask him for the files.
"Nate, do you realize this case is extremely dangerous and a top secret?" L asked and bit to his thumb.
The white head nodded calmly: "Of course father. But most of your cases til now were top secret and we got to study them anyway…"
"But this one is not closed yet…" L opposed, not feeling exactly comfortable with Near reading about his theory that Light is Kira. But the boy seemed determined to get what he wants:
"And it might not be for years… still… I would like to study it and discuss my theories later with you."
L frowned. He had no good reason to tell the boy no. And Nate was an analytic. Much like him. L knew that if his life in his teens went differently, if he wasn't able to carry a child, he would probably never get to know human emotions as well as he does, and he would end up as stoic, as his son, who was not yet stained by it.
"All right… I'll make Watari bring you the files. But only the official reports. Without my private notes. I want to know if you will come to the same conclusions as I did."
Near smiled and looked satisfied. L smiled back at him. Then the boy's face fell again and for a moment, he looked like he was not sure what to do: "Father, do you think I could ask you for some money?"
L tilted his head. That was an even more unusual request. Near was not allowed off the tower and even if he was, he would not go anywhere by his free will.
"For what purpose?"
"I would like to buy a new laptop for Mello. It's his birthday tomorrow."
L frowned. Sure Near wanted to get a present for his brother but it was highly improbable that he just wanted to buy him a new model: "What happened to his laptop?"
"The device tested the hardness of the wall." The white head said calmly.
L was not sure if he should laugh or cry. It was cute how Near did not want to tell out loud that Mello threw his laptop against the wall, but he didn't want to lie either. On the other hand, the fact that Mello's outburst got this bad, made L nervous. He had to talk to him… finally.
"Do you wish to choose the laptop yourself?" He asked his son.
Near nodded: "Yes, that would be nice."
L smirked: "Allright, pick up what you think Mello will like and send the link to Watari. He will buy it and have it ready for the party tomorrow."
"Thank you father."
Then L stood up and from the bed and took Near into his arms. The boy did not protest although, looked a bit surprised.
"Allright, let's get you to your bed." L said and carried the boy out the room.
Sachiko Yagami heard the door open and she hurried from the kitchen to look, if her husband really came home.
"Soichiro… you are home soon dear. It's not even 7 yet!"
Chief took off his coat and shoes and let out a long and loud sigh: "I needed a little time off work. I need to think."
"Did something happen?" Sachiko asked as he joined her in the kitchen and sat at the bar stool. He was frowning and his eyes were fixed at one point. Though he was obviously looking nowhere.
Sachiko bit her lip: "Dear, is it just work, or something is going on with Light?"
Soichiro nodded slowly. He was not sure how to approach this topic. They never discussed this possibility openly although there were some signs in the past: "It's Light… he's... " another moment of silence before the chief finally looked his wife in the eyes: "Sachiko… I think our son… might be gay."
Sachiko didn't look surprised. She only formed her lips into a small: "Oh" and started cutting carrots.
Soichiro was shocked: "Doesn't it concern you?"
"No… why? Does it concern you?" She gave him a hard look.
"No… yes… I mean… it makes a lot of sense considering some moments of his childhood."
Sachiko laughed a little: "Like when he wanted to attend ballet lessons?"
Soichiro hid his face with his hands: "Or when he said he is going to marry Kakizawa's boy…"
Saichiko stopped cutting vegetables and exhaled loudly: "Oh dear… that was something. And his face when you tried to explain to him that he can't…"
"Hm… maybe I shouldn't do that. He closed himself to me after…"
Sachiko left the knife on the table and reached for her husband's hand: "It doesn't matter anymore my love. You can't change what's in the past. But you can focus on now and the future. So what about telling me what's going on? How did you figure it out?"
Soichiro frowned: "He is acting lovesick around our boss."
"Your boss? Older man?" She was surprised. Light didn't mention that the colleague he was into was actually his boss.
"Not that much older… he is actually twenty something… but he's our boss and double father. I dont think it's a good situation for Light."
Again, Sachiko gasped for air: "So this man… he's… straight and married?"
"No… from what I know he's alone with the kids and his orientation is...you know… he's into both. But our son... falling for a man who already has a family on his own… I dont think its a good idea. He's young to be someone's father."
That calmed her down a little. She was concerned for a moment that Light might try to destroy some marriage and she was supporting him with it: "On the other hand, when Light is gay, it might be the only way of him ever being a father."
"Yes but still…"
Her husband was frowning. It was time to get him on the right way of thinking: "Does your boss have feelings for our son?"
Soichiro shrugged: "That's what I don't know. Ryuzaki is not easy to read and he's not letting his emotions cloud his judgement."
"Okay, let's suppose for a moment that he does. Would he be a good match for Light?"
Soichiro hesitated: "I suppose…"
She lifted her eyebrow: "You suppose? Okay what do I know about him? He's twenty something, already in the lead of much older detectives. So probably intelligent enough to catch Light's attention. He's a double father, obviously open about his sexuality but reasonable enough not to fool around Light when he has feelings for him."
"If he has feelings for him…" Soichiro interrupted her.
"I believe he has…"
"How can you know?" he frowned at her and when he saw the blush on her cheeks, it clicked: "Light told you something didn't he?"
Sachiko smiled innocently: "He might have mentioned…"
"Sachiko! Why didn't you tell me straight away?"
She only shrugged at his outburst: "I needed to know your opinion first! Now that I know you are okay with our son being a gay and in love with your boss I can tell you I think they might be a good match."
"I didn't say I was okay with Light being in lo…" he stopped at that, realizing his wife just voiced his worst worries: "... oh damn he really loves him doesn't he?"
Sachiko smiled: "Yes, I believe he does. And he is pretty desperate Ryuzaki doesn't want to let him close."
Soichiro finally felt some relief: "That's reasonable of him. We are all working together and Light is making it very uncomfortable sometimes."
Sachiko had to laugh at that thought. Her son trying to court someone might have been a curious sight to see: "He's in love and he wants the man's attention. Don't forget he's just a teenager after all."
"Yes… and he's starting to act like one." he husband folded his hands on his chest.
Sachiko pushed her lips together, thinking: "Maybe it would be better if this... Ryuzaki admitted his feelings and let Light closer. Our son would get what he wanted and may start to focus on work again."
"Sachiko! I don't want to think about such things! Thank you very much!" he raised his voice, disturbed by the suggestion.
Sachiko rolled her eyes: "Oh dear, don't be prude! We were acting like horny teenagers too and we were much older than Light..."
Soichiro felt his face heating up: "Yes but we are… you know. Woman and a man."
"Soichiro!" She yelled at him.
"I know! Sorry!" He knew he couldn't say such things. Especially, if he ever wanted to have sex with his wife again.
L carried his little son all the way to his room and found himself smiling, when little Near was hiding his curly head into his neck. Near was probably not aware of that, but he was as touch-starved as any other kid at Wammy's. As L was when he was little. And L felt a shame about that. It was his fault.
He slowly opened the door and found that the room was pitch black. Mello was probably already asleep. Which was weird because the boy was usually reading long into the night. So L lit up the lamp beside Near's bed and looked at Mello's bed. The boy was curled in a fetal position, his back to them and he was mostly hidden under the blanket. But it was clear that he wasn't sleeping. His chest was raising and falling under small and quiet sobs.
L's eyes fell on the nightstand where the components of the laptop were lying, together with some equipment to repair it. Mello was probably trying to get the laptop working again and was failing at the task.
L looked at Near who was watching the scene with the same worries as he did and a thumb in his mouth. Then the boy lifted his both hands in direction of Mello and L put the boy on Mello's bed. Mello stiffened under the blanket, when he felt weight on his bed, but he didn't say a thing. Near just moved the blanket, curled to Mello's back and let L to cover them again.
Then L moved to the other side of the bed, sat on the floor and caressed the small head with golden hair. Mello had his face hidden in the pillow and started sobbing even harder when he felt his father's touch.
Past two days were hard for him. Thanks to his outburst he lost his only way to contact Matt and he was pretty sure that the red-head will think he doesn't want to talk to him. But the truth was, he needed to talk to him. He was used to talking to him daily. Although Near tried to communicate with him, it was not the same. And dad didn't come to see him for two days, which made him feel guilty, separated and given to his task, also a damn failure.
"Do you think you have space for one more in your bed?" L suddenly asked.
There was a moment of silence before Mello moved a little, with his face still hidden in his pillow. L laid down next to the boy, and carefully replaced the pillow with his own body. Mello tried to protest but then, he leaned into L's heat and hugged his chest. L pulled the boy closer, with one hand slowly caressing his teary cheeks and with the other reached to pet Near's hair.
They were just lying like that, in silence, for several minutes. L was just breathing in the scent of his two boys and for a moment, felt completely in peace. For a first time after two days of desperate strategizing without results, he wasn't thinking about anything.
"I'm sorry dad…" Mello said quietly into his chest, when he finally stopped crying.
L kissed the boy's head: "No baby, I am sorry. I know you wanted your friend here, but it is really dangerous. And I am very selfish to keep you here for myself."
Mello didn't say a thing but shook his head in disapproval. It was Near who voiced his opinion openly: "I found myself very fortunate that you chose to be a selfish father."
L chuckled and leaned to kiss his head.
"I love you." he told them without thinking and then he realized that he probably never did that before. Both boys curled even closer, when hearing that.
L again realized how much of a failure he is as a parent. His boys needed him as much as he needed a father when he was growing up, and he was gone. He was chasing after criminals and running away from responsibility. Meanwhile the Wammy house was leading his sons to become his successors. Detectives. Heroes. But if he had the time, if he was really raising them, he wouldn't want them to be like that. He would want them to be just kids. He would want them to have water pistols and birthday parties with balloons and friends. But it was too late for that. Especially with the plan of Mello's birthday party tomorrow.
L frowned.
He messed up everything he could with his sons. Then why? Why should he be a parent again? Was it meant to be another chance for him? He almost started asking God for explanation. God he never believed in.
As he was coming back into his room in the morning, he felt even worse than before. He realized he was unable to take care of himself, to take care of his sons and he was not in position to have another baby. No matter how much he loved Light and how much he liked the thought somewhere deep inside, it was not the right time.
I can't fall for this baby… not until I am sure I will be able to save Light from himself.