With previous changes to episode order, "Do You Think It's Alright?" is now 6-20. We assume that plays out as we know it, which takes us into this rewrite of 6-21...
(NOTE: There are two jokes here borrowed from sources other than That '70s Show - one from before the '70s [a Bugs Bunny cartoon] and one after [a Chris Rock routine.] See if you can guess which two!)
SHOW TITLE
INT. FORMAN BASEMENT – DAY
A calm Friday afternoon. ERIC and DONNA share the couch and JACKIE sits in Hyde's chair. They're at a game of Scrabble laid out over the coffee table.
The basement door opens and MITCH and FEZ enter.
MITCH:
Hey, guys.
ERIC:
Mitch! I thought I heard a matchbox car pull up.
MITCH:
Yeah, I'm short, and you're shaped like a lollipop. I'm not in the mood, Forman. My brother Jack's wedding is tomorrow, and I don't have a date.
JACKIE:
Oh, did you try Aly Richards? She'll go anywhere there's cake.
FEZ:
That's how I got her into my car. But then I ate the cake, and she left.
He sits in the lawn chair. Mitch shakes his head, crosses to sit between Eric and Donna on the couch.
MITCH:
No, I'm in a real bind here. I showed up at the engagement party alone. My family made so much fun of me. So I said to myself - 'cause, of course, I was alone - that I would bring someone sizzling hot with me to the wedding.
(turns to Donna)
Hey, Donna, would you be my date?
Donna smiles, pats his arm.
DONNA:
Mitch, I don't know what to say.
ERIC:
Oh, let me help you out.
(to Mitch)
NO!
MITCH:
Donna, if you went with me, I might finally earn some respect from my family.
ERIC:
Let me say this for you one more time in Spanish. NO!
FEZ:
I taught him that.
DONNA:
Eric, it seems harmless.
ERIC:
No, Donna. I'm sorry, but I forbid it.
DONNA:
Oh.
(turns to Mitch)
Mitch, I'd love to go.
ERIC:
Donna, what the hell?
DONNA:
No, I forbid you to ask me questions about this.
ERIC:
But, Donna –
DONNA:
Let me tell you one more time in Spanish.
She blows a raspberry, stands, and crosses to the deep freeze and takes out a popsicle. Mitch follows after her.
MITCH:
Oh, hey, Donna, thanks so much for doing this.
DONNA:
Sure, but, you know, just friends. You don't get to touch any of this juicy stuff.
She indicates her breasts.
MITCH:
No, don't worry. I'll even ask another couple to be, like, chaperones. Hey, Jackie, do you and Hyde want to go?
JACKIE:
Oh, Steven has to work at the hotel tomorrow.
MITCH:
But the reception's at the hotel.
JACKIE:
Exactly. So we're in.
FEZ:
But Jackie, if Hyde is working, wouldn't that mean you'd sit out at the reception alone while he's in the kitchen?
JACKIE:
Hey, we'll be in the same building for the same wedding. I work with what I've got.
She turns back to her tiles.
MAIN CREDITS
BUMPER
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY
Later that afternoon. RED stands with a CABLE INSTALLER in the drive. Red hands the installer a check, the installer cuts a receipt, and he goes on his way.
KITTY steps out from the kitchen, crosses to Red.
KITTY:
Remind me what he installed again?
RED:
Cable television, Kitty. We're stepping into the future.
KITTY:
Cable? Red, you said you'd rather kiss Ho Chi Minh than pay for TV.
RED:
Well, that was before I knew what a good deal it was. For 20 bucks a month, we now have over 20 channels.
KITTY:
Uh-huh... but everything we watch is on the channels we already have.
RED:
Well, now we have new things to watch.
KITTY:
Like what?
RED:
Well, like... oh, there's... Kitty, Laurie's moved into an apartment, Eric and Steven are always working, and you and I are running out of things to talk about. We need something to fill up the day.
He retreats into the kitchen before Kitty can retort. She follows him inside, and we cut to:
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY
The two of them sit down at the kitchen table, where a tray of sandwiches and plates are waiting. They each take a sandwich and begin to eat when KELSO enters from the basement, a backpack slung over his shoulder.
KITTY:
I'm sorry, Michael, but I'm gonna have to search that bag. Every time you leave my house with a backpack, I have to buy new hairspray.
KELSO:
I didn't take anything. This is lunch. I planned a whole romantic day for me and Brooke.
KITTY:
So, where are you and Brooke headed?
KELSO:
Well, since she's having a baby, I thought I'd take her to a place that kids and girls like, so I figured I'd start the date off at an amusement park and we'd go on a ride on the Lightning Whip. And then I'm gonna take her horseback riding up to this overlook, and then we're gonna get cozy and drink a little Bingo Bango.
He reaches into the backpack, pulls out a bottle of booze.
KITTY:
Oh, sweetie, you're so wrong, it makes me want to cry a little.
(stands)
No, no. Pregnant women cannot go on roller coasters, and they definitely can't drink alcohol, or bad things can happen to the baby.
RED:
Case in point - Eric.
KITTY:
Well, we didn't know any better back then.
(to Kelso)
I'm teaching a baby-care class at the hospital. If you brought Brooke, I think she'd be very impressed.
KELSO:
All right. Yeah, sign us up. You know, there was a time that all I had to do to impress a girl was turn my eyelids inside out. This baby's changing everything.
He takes a step toward the patio door, then stops and crosses to Kitty.
KELSO (cont'd)
Oh...
He reaches into the backpack, takes out a can of hairspray. Kitty snatches it back from him as he exits.
BUMPER
MUSIC NOTE: "Fallin' in Love (Re-Recorded)" by Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds.
INT. BALLROOM – DAY
The next day. Wedding time – or, more specifically, the reception. The hotel ballroom has been mildly decorated for the occasion, with a high table for the bride and groom at the far end of the dance floor and round tables with white tablecloths scattered about the near side. A DJ has a station set up with record player and speakers – he currently has "Fallin' in Love" playing.
The seating chart has Mitch, Donna, and Jackie at a round table, shared with a young woman their age in a fur wrap – CHRISTY. She and Jackie are happily chatting when Jackie breaks away to nudge Mitch's shoulder.
JACKIE:
Mitch, you never told me your family brushed up against anyone in the country club set. Christy and I used to go horseback riding there every summer.
CHRISTY:
(to Jackie)
It really has been forever, Jackie. We haven't seen you at the PPCC since your father went to prison and your mother ran off to drink her weight in Tequila.
JACKIE:
Yeah, but at least sitting out the last season meant I didn't have to see you try and fail to make fur work in summer for the tenth year in a row.
They stare each other down for a moment, then break into girlish laughter. Mitch leaves them to it and turns back to Donna.
MITCH:
Thanks again for doing this, Donna. Grandpa saw me walk in with you, and he slipped me a 20.
(holds out the 20)
Here, you should have this.
DONNA:
See, that kind of makes me a hooker.
Mitch pulls a face, "ah," and pockets the 20.
Further conversation is cut short by Eric, dressed for work, stepping up to the table.
ERIC:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Eric.
DONNA:
Eric, what are you doing here?
ERIC:
I changed my work schedule so I could make sure that Mitch keeps his tiny little doll hands to himself.
Donna stands and pulls Eric aside, even as Mitch is beckoned to the high table.
DONNA:
Eric, Mitch is not a threat to you. Okay, he's a perfectly harmless guy who happens to worship the ground I walk on. You know, it's not his fault that I'm eye candy.
At the other side of the table, a young blonde man with chiseled features comes up to Christy. She and Jackie stand to meet him, and he embraces Christy.
MAN:
Hey.
They kiss.
CHRISTY:
Jackie, this is my boyfriend, Mason. He's a fraternity man at Marquette, enrolled in their culinary arts program.
MASON offers his hand, and Jackie shakes it.
JACKIE:
Really? You know, my boyfriend, Steven, is already working as a chef.
Christy and Mason's eyebrows go up; they're impressed. Naturally, Hyde chooses this moment to come into the ballroom, his chef's jacket opened at the top and covered in grease and sauce stains. He goes straight to Eric and leans in near his ear.
HYDE:
(hushed)
Hey, Forman, when you bring out all the orders of sea bass, give Mitch the plate with the blue ring. That's the one I spit in.
He and Eric trade friendly swats to the chest. Hyde heads back out, wiping his hands on his jacket front. He pauses when he comes behind Jackie.
HYDE:
Havin' fun, doll?
He pats her on the butt and exits. Christy and Mason watch him leave, then turn back to Jackie with far more condescending glares. Jackie gives them a nervous smile and giggle.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY
Fez sits alone on the couch, watching THE BRADY BUNCH on TV. His feet are propped up on the coffee table – on the cable box on the coffee table.
Red enters from the kitchen, beer in hand, and freezes halfway to the couch when he sees Fez.
RED:
You? Eric and Steven are out, and your unholy marriage to my daughter has finally been washed away by the blessed miracle of divorce. What reason do you have to be here now?
FEZ:
My host family has Bible study tonight. They like to act out the passages, and if I'm there, I always have to play the heathens, the heretics, the prostitutes... they even make me play the adulteresses. And one time, when I said I wanted to get more into character by wearing a dress, they made me talk with the priest.
Red realizes where Fez's feet are. He lunges, slaps them down.
RED:
Get your feet off of there! Now look – we're in my house. This is my television. And I'm about to sit down in front of my television and enjoy my first day of cable.
FEZ:
(gasps)
You have cable? The home of The Charity Car Wash Girls? Well, why didn't you say so, little buddy? Start 'er up!
He scoots over and gestures for Red to take his seat. Red rolls his eyes but sits down. He picks up the clicker and moves up one channel, and the TV audio shifts to:
TV (aud. only):
Stop spraying me, silly, or I'm gonna have to come over there and kiss you.
FEZ:
Oh, this is it!
He leans forward, in rapt attention, heedless of the contemptuous look Red's giving him.
TV (aud. only):
Tasha, do you want a kiss, too? Wow, Tasha. You have the biggest –
Red clicks to the next channel up, and we hear:
TV (aud. only):
Thunderstorms, which will result in a small craft advisory on Lake Superior.
Fez's face falls. He sits back and slumps down into the couch.
FEZ:
Weather? I'd have more fun sitting through a lecture from the priest after playing the adulteress.
He pouts, Red grins, and they go on watching the weather.
BUMPER
INT. CLASSROOM – EVENING
A small conference room in the hospital, converted into a classroom. A number of couples, the women in various stages of pregnancy, are seated before a blackboard and desk. A screen of female anatomy is pulled down over the board.
Kelso and BROOKE step into the doorway.
KELSO:
(looks around room)
Man, look at all these preggos.
(points to one woman)
God, that one's walking like a gigantic duck.
BROOKE:
She is definitely in her third trimester. The baby probably dropped.
KELSO:
No, I think it's still in there.
BROOKE:
It means the baby's gotten itself into the birthing position.
KELSO:
Oh. Man, you really know stuff.
BROOKE:
Well, I've read every baby book in the library. By the way, did you ever read that book I gave you by Dr. Spock?
KELSO:
No, I kinda lost interest when I realized it wasn't about Star Trek.
BROOKE:
Well, you signed us up for this class, and that was very thoughtful.
KELSO:
Well, that's me. I'm Mr. Thoughtful.
They make their way into the room and take seats in the front row. Kelso looks to the extremely pregnant woman on his left.
KELSO:
Man, how many kids are you having?
Kitty, in nurse's uniform, enters, stands at the desk.
KITTY:
Oh, hi, Michael. Hope you're ready to talk boo-boos, burps and binkies.
(laughs)
Kelso and Brooke stand.
KELSO:
Yeah, uh, Brooke, this is Mrs. Forman, the lady that told me I shouldn't take you horseback riding. And, Mrs. Forman, this is Brooke, the hot librarian I impregnated.
KITTY:
Well, I am so happy you two are here.
(to class)
And you should be happy, because you have me as your tour guide as you make the transition to parenthood.
She pulls on the screen to roll it up and reveal the blackboard. "KELSO RULES" is written across it in chalk.
KITTY (cont'd):
Michael.
KELSO:
But that could have been anybody. Everybody knows I rule.
KITTY:
Okay, all right, okay. Let's get started.
Kelso and Brooke sit, and the rest of the class settles into place.
KITTY (cont'd):
Now, when you first bring your little bundles of joy home, they will spend almost 20 hours a day sleeping and pooping.
KELSO:
(to Brooke)
Man, that's the life, huh?
Brooke shushes him as Kitty goes on.
KITTY:
Now, who can tell me what they will do with the rest of their cute little time?
Brooke's hand shoots into the air in classic A-student fashion.
KITTY (cont'd):
Ooh. Yes, Brooke.
BROOKE:
They'll be eating.
KITTY:
Very good. And what will they be eating?
KELSO:
(to Brooke)
Hey, when you're not looking, I'm gonna sneak the little guy some popcorn.
BROOKE:
Michael, babies can't eat popcorn. They don't even have teeth.
KELSO:
My grandma Bessie doesn't have any teeth, and trust me, she ain't shy around a bucket of popcorn.
BUMPER
MUSIC NOTE: "Just What I Needed" by the Cars.
INT. BALLROOM – EVENING
The reception continues. "Just What I Needed" is the DJ's current song of choice. Hyde is back in the room, as sloppy as ever. He and Eric lean against the wall to one side of the ballroom, muttering quietly to each other. Donna Jackie, Christy, and Mason are still at their table. Except for Donna, who is watching couples dance, they all look Hyde's way.
CHRISTY:
(to Jackie)
So... that's who you're seeing these days. Where exactly did he learn to be a "chef?"
JACKIE:
Um... Steven is... self-taught. Yeah, he's not a big believer in college.
CHRISTY:
(heavy sarcasm)
Really? Because I would have thought he'd be the model applicant for any admissions board or scholarship committee.
JACKIE:
Yeah, he doesn't believe in material wealth either. Or hair care. And, as any Mormon will tell you, conversion takes time, and I've only had him for a year and a half.
Over by the wall, Hyde gets into a coughing fit, delivered directly into his hand, which he wipes on his jacket before resuming his talk with Eric.
CHRISTY:
Well, Jackie, I, for one, think it's very generous of you to take on such an unrefined and underprivileged young man as your boyfriend. It's kind of like My Fair Lady in reverse. But you'd still have to Rex Harrison your way through the songs.
She throws her head back with a haughty "ha." Jackie's eyes narrow, but she has no immediate retort.
CHRISTY (cont'd):
Of course, Mason here made it into college with top honors. His parents sit on the Marquette board and are among their top donors.
She turns to beam at him. Jackie isn't so impressed; Mason is poking at his steak with a butter knife, his jaw slack and his face vacant. He looks up at Christy.
MASON:
(nods to Jackie)
I think her boyfriend ruined this pork. It's too tough to cut.
Christy's eyes drop down to the plate. Her smile starts to slip.
JACKIE:
(to Mason)
Maybe because that's a steak. And you're trying to cut it with a butter knife.
(to Christy)
I'm sure all those donations had nothing to do with him getting into Marquette.
An argument is prevented by stirrings at the high table: the DJ cuts the record, the bride and groom move their seats to the middle of the ballroom, and Mitch steps out before them, microphone in hand.
MITCH:
I - I guess it's a tradition for the best man to say a few words. And all I really want to say is that my brother is not the only one fortunate enough to find himself in love's warm embrace.
He walks as he talks, crossing over to Donna. He holds out a hand to indicate her.
MITCH (cont'd):
So, everybody, I'd like to introduce you to Donna, my new fiancée. Or as I like to call her, my big, red love machine. That's her.
He points to her, and the crowd begins applauding politely. Mitch basks in the attention, oblivious to the glares he's getting from Donna and Eric.
FADE TO BLACK
COMMERCIAL
BUMPER
INT. BALLROOM – EVENING
Right where we left off. As the applause dies down, Donna gets to her feet and advances on Mitch.
DONNA:
Mitch, what the hell are you doing?
MITCH:
(to the crowd)
Ooh, look at that fireball go. Feisty at the table, feisty in the bedroom.
Eric's had enough. He marches over and seizes the microphone from Mitch.
ERIC:
(to the crowd)
No. No. She's feisty in my bedroom, people! My bedroom! Okay, he's just some lying, crazy lunatic. He's crazy. This guy's crazy!
You could hear a pin drop in the ballroom. All eyes are on Eric and Mitch. It slowly dawns on Eric that he's still at a wedding reception. He turns, smiles to the bride and groom.
ERIC (cont'd):
And, uh, my congratulations to the happy couple.
He gives them a polite nod; nervously, they nod back.
CUT TO:
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
The inaugural cable viewing continues. Red still has the tube turned to the national weather; he sits back in the couch, grinning at the forecast, while Fez sits next to him, pouting.
TV (aud. only):
...barometric pressure from a cold front out of Canada...
RED:
Look at all that hail in Buffalo.
FEZ:
What hail? It's just a map with a line going around it. Come on, little buddy, get off this thing and let's see some sudsy sluts.
RED:
For the last time, I'm not your "little buddy." And my cable, my channel.
FEZ:
But Mr. Red, how can you watch this?
RED:
It comforts me to know that there are people out there more miserable than me, like those people in Buffalo. And you.
Fez's pout deepens, but Red just chuckles and turns back to the TV.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Baby class has moved on to diaper practice. The couples all stand at makeshift changing stations with baby dummies and diapers to practice with. Kitty observes one OLDER COUPLE as they complete the task.
KITTY:
Very nice. Baby says, "it's tight, but not too tight, and I wuve the way you powdered my widdle bottom."
At their station, Kelso watches as Brooke struggles to pull the diaper tight and finish the safety pin.
KELSO:
I never thought I'd say this, but you gotta take it easy on the nads.
BROOKE:
I know what I'm doing. It's just - it sounded so much easier in the books.
(finishes)
Okay, there.
She hands the dummy to Kelso, who presents it just as Kitty comes over.
KITTY:
Ooh, let's have a look.
Kelso tugs at the waistline; it's too loose.
KITTY (cont'd):
Uh-oh. Baby says, "that's too loose. Now I'm gonna wee-wee on Daddy."
Brooke takes the dummy back.
BROOKE:
I just have to re-do the safety pin.
(struggles)
God, why can't I do this?
KITTY:
Oh, no. Baby says, "ouch, you poked me. Now I'm gonna cry. Wah! Wah!"
Brooke throws her hands up.
BROOKE:
That's it. I give up.
She runs out of the room.
KITTY:
(calling after Brooke)
"Oh, Mommy, don't leave me. I don't want to end up in state-run foster care. Wah! Wah!"
Kelso gives Kitty a long look.
KELSO:
You know, you seem normal around your family, but out in the world, you're a little nuts.
He leaves her to think about that as he goes after Brooke.
BUMPER
MUSIC NOTE: "Kiss You All Over" by Exile.
INT. BALLROOM – NIGHT
What's left of the reception lingers on after Mitch's speech. The DJ plays "Kiss You All Over." The bride and groom receive a few relatives at the high table and Mitch skulks in the far corner. Hyde has taken over one of the many vacant tables, his feet propped up on the table. He and Eric help themselves to leftover food.
Jackie and Christy stand by their table while Mason sits and chats with Donna.
MASON:
So it turned out that "yeast" means something else in cooking. But by then, I'd already puked in the dish, so...
He shrugs. Donna's face twists into a tight knot of disgust.
MASON (cont'd):
Yeah, they were gonna flunk me on that one, but my dad stepped in.
DONNA:
Well, that's – nice...
MASON:
He stepped in literally, too – some of it got on the floor.
Meanwhile, Jackie and Christy have a conversation of their own going:
CHRISTY:
Well, Jackie, not that it hasn't just been a little slice of heaven catching up – because it hasn't.
(giggles)
I would say we'll see you around, but... well, jailbird dads and runaway moms are one thing, but I think the PPCC draws the line at taking in strays.
She nods to Hyde's table. Jackie turns just in time to see Hyde load a spoon with a dumpling, pull it back, and shoot it into Eric's waiting mouth.
JACKIE:
(beat)
You know, Christy, if I wasn't with Steven, I might have gone along with all your insults tonight with some laughs, some passive-aggressive comebacks, and insisting that I didn't want back in the country club set, which I would've hoped you didn't realize meant I desperately wanted back in the country club set. But, since I am with Steven, I'm just gonna tell you to shut your hole.
Christy gasps, recoils. Jackie advances on her.
JACKIE (cont'd):
Steven is a great guy and a wonderful boyfriend. And, okay, maybe he isn't PPCC material, but who cares? He's still a good person, and he turned out that way even after a hard, poor life.
(points at Mason)
He didn't have one of the top donor families at Marquette as his parents paving the way from him, making it look like he was great when he was really a doofus. And, by the way...
Jackie tosses a small pack of something to Christy, who just catches it.
JACKIE (cont'd):
That was in Mason's pocket.
Christy gives Jackie a look, "how'd you get this?"
JACKIE (cont'd):
Oh, yeah. My boyfriend taught me how to pickpocket.
CHRISTY:
(eyes the pack)
This is a pack of condoms.
JACKIE:
Mmm-hmm. It's a pack of three.
CHRISTY:
But there's only two.
Jackie nods, gives Christy a leading look. It hits her; she gasps, grabs Mason by the ear, and pulls him to his feet.
CHRISTY (cont'd):
MASON!
She drags him, still by the ear, out of the ballroom.
Hyde and Eric, who have been watching the scene, stand and cross to the table.
HYDE:
Jackie, man, you didn't have to do that. A couple of squares wanna talk, that doesn't bother me.
JACKIE:
Well, it bothers me. Nobody gets to talk about you like that when I'm around or try to pass off their lunkheaded man meat as better than you. Steven, you are better than any guy I've ever met, and I'm proud of you.
A tiny smile flickers across Hyde's mouth, the one chink in his cool demeanor. He lets Jackie cup his face and pull him down for a kiss, then puts his arm around her shoulders.
HYDE:
You know, just for that, I think I'll come in early tomorrow and get you some room service breakfast. And I'll even follow the health code.
Jackie gives him a playful swat to the chest.
ERIC:
I don't know, Jackie. I think there are a couple of other good men around here. For example,
(to Donna)
It turns out I was right about Mitch. So, let's see, - that's you, wrong. Me, right.
DONNA:
(sighs)
All right, you don't have to rub it in.
ERIC:
Uh, I think I do, Donna. So rub-a-dub-dub, I'm right.
Mitch, seeing them all gathered, stomps over and gets into Eric's face.
MITCH:
(hushed, seething)
I am humiliated! The only way I'm gonna get my pride back is to kick your ass! So I'm challenging you to a fight. That is, unless you're too chicken.
ERIC:
What is this, third grade?
MITCH:
Okay, here's what I just heard –
(flaps his arms like a chicken)
Oh ba-ba-ba-gawk, ooh, third grade, ooh.
ERIC:
Okay, you can stop doing that.
MITCH:
Bawk, I can stop doing that, bawk.
ERIC:
Okay, fine. You know what? I'll fight you. Fine.
MITCH:
Good. Tomorrow! 5:15, the playground. You be there!
He starts to walk away.
DONNA:
Um, why not just do it at 5?
MITCH:
I have swimming lessons!
He storms from the ballroom.
CUT TO:
INT. CLASSROOM – NIGHT
Baby class is over. Alone in the classroom, Kitty gathers and cleans the baby dummies. She wipes at one with a rag.
KITTY:
(to dummy)
Okay, I don't know who gave you a tattoo, but that is not good parenting.
Kelso and Brooke enter, mid-argument.
BROOKE:
Look, Michael, I don't want to talk about it. I thought I was ready, but today I found out I don't even know how to use a diaper. We are gonna be covered in poo.
KELSO:
Look, I think you're underestimating us, all right? Especially me. Now, these beautiful hands aren't just made for foreplay. Check it out.
He crosses to the nearest station and starts changing the dummy's diaper.
KELSO (cont'd):
I remember the first time I babysat for my little brother and he power-dooked all over himself, right? So I got my mom's salad tongs and pulled off his pants, and then I grabbed him by the ankles and took him outside and hosed him off. And voila.
He holds up one dummy with a perfectly set diaper.
BROOKE:
Oh, Michael, it's so perfect.
KELSO:
See, now, you got the brains and the maternal instincts, and I know how to wrap ass. We're gonna do this together, and we're gonna be fine.
Kitty comes up behind them, looks the dummy over.
KITTY:
"Ooh, Daddy, that's just how I like it."
Kelso and Brooke both give her a long look.
KELSO:
You're really starting to creep me out.
From the look on her face as her brain catches up to her words, Kitty agrees.
BUMPER
EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY
The next day, afternoon. A small crowd of high schoolers and college kids have gathered to watch the fight. Donna and Jackie look on, half-amused and half-bemused, as Eric warms up with some air jabs and Hyde massages his shoulders.
HYDE:
Forman, I'm your bud, so I'm rooting for you in this fight. But, uh... business is business, so I got 50 bucks on the little guy.
Mitch walks up, fresh from swimming, with a bag over his shoulder.
MITCH:
Well, I see the chicken showed up for his beating.
ERIC:
How can I be a chicken if I showed up for the fight?
MITCH:
You know, it's funny, 'cause what I just heard was,
(flaps his arms like a chicken)
Bawk-bawk, "chicken," bawk! "Fight," bawk! Now come back here so we can go over the rules.
He nods to the hedges and steps behind them. Eric starts to follow when Donna takes his wrist.
DONNA:
Okay, Eric, one last thing. You know when we're play-fighting and you grab my wrist and I go, "ow, ow, ow, ow?" That doesn't really hurt. Okay? So, don't do that.
ERIC:
What? The Forman death grip? Man, I was really counting on that.
He follows Mitch behind the hedges.
MITCH:
(hushed)
What are you doing here? I don't want to fight you. I was just trying to act tough so I can get my self-respect back.
ERIC:
By threatening me?
MITCH:
It's okay. It's okay. I've got a way out of this that'll make us both look good. We'll just – we'll tell everyone that we worked it out like gentlemen, and now we're the best of friends.
ERIC:
What? No. Mitch, look, Donna was really nice to you, and you humiliated her. I can't let you treat people like that. Today I'm... I'm standing up for all humanity.
MITCH:
Would you do it for a 1968 G.I. Joe, Desert Rat edition with the original mess kit?
ERIC:
(laughs)
Please. I have three of those.
Mitch pulls an action figure box from his bag.
MITCH:
The French version?
Eric takes the box, looks it over.
ERIC:
(awed)
G.I. Jacques. It does exist.
MITCH:
We got a deal?
Eric nods. He leads them back out to the playground.
ERIC:
(to crowd)
Well, I'm afraid there's not gonna be a fight here.
As he talks, Mitch silently does the chicken strut behind him.
ERIC (cont'd):
Uh, guys, we worked out our differences, and basically, he's a really great guy...
(beat)
Donna, he's doing the chicken thing behind me right now.
DONNA:
(laughing)
Yeah. He's really good at it.
MITCH:
That's not the only thing I'm good at, cherry pie.
Eric rounds on Mitch, puts his fists up.
ERIC:
All right, that's it. You're dead.
Mitch makes a show of dancing back on his feet, his fists up... while edging toward the end of the playground.
MITCH:
Ooh! ooh! ohh! Start the car, Mom! Start the car!
He turns heel and runs.
FADE TO BLACK
CREDITS
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM – DAY
Later that day. Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso are all crammed together on the couch. Their jaws all hang open as they stare at the TV.
TV (aud. only):
Ooh, Mr. Handyman, I'm so glad you're here. There's so many things I need you to nail.
KELSO:
I love cable.
TV (aud. only):
Lucky for you, I've got a big hammer.
The boys all lean in closer...
Red enters from the kitchen. Fez's hand shoots for the clicker, and he puts the channel back on the weather.
TV (aud. only):
... Temperatures in the mid...
The boys try and fail to look innocent. Red just rolls his eyes.
END.