AN: Trigger warning for child abuse in this chapter!
Chapter Twenty-Four
Ana wiped her hands nervously over her skirt covered thighs. She was with Mary Griffith, a psychiatrist who worked with street kids, and she had just told the older woman her life story. It had been easier than she had expected, maybe because she'd told Grace, maybe because Mary Griffith had made it quite clear that she would help her but it was her choice whether or not she engaged with her.
She was a funny old lady, very short, barely five feet, with big glasses and a 'don't mess with me' attitude that Ana loved. She was like a cross of Grace and Ella and that also may have made it easier for Ana to open up to her. She wanted a summary of what Ana had suffered so she could best decide on a course of treatment.
"So what's life like now? Who's your support system?" Mary asked, she hadn't bat an eyelid at Ana's story, simply listened and taken notes where appropriate.
"Well… Christian I guess, and Grace." Ana replied with a small smile, she'd never really had anyone she could call a support system before.
"That's good." Mary gave a gentle smile. "Things will be easier for you having someone to lean on when things get tough." Ana grimaced; she didn't want to think about things getting tough. "I'll be honest with you Ana, based on what you've said and your reactions while you were speaking, you're still absolutely terrified of your past. I think the best thing we can do together is exposure therapy but it isn't easy, things will likely get worse before they get better, but you have to be fully on board for it to work." Mary explained softly, she had an incredibly soothing voice that Ana felt would be more suited to reading children's books at bedtime than anything else.
"What would it entail?" Ana asked.
"Remembering, talking about the little details, over and over again until they no longer scare you."
"But I have huge gaping holes in my memory, especially of the earliest abuse but that's the one that frightens me the most." Ana replied not understanding how this therapy would work if she couldn't remember a lot in the first place.
"Well, in my experience Ana, many people who come to me with traumatic memory loss who do exposure therapy tend to get some memory back. Not necessarily all of it, not necessarily what you want to remember either, and again, it's what makes this journey an incredibly difficult one. I can't do it unless I know you have the right support at home…"
"I have support." Ana replied confidently, because if there was anything she was certain of these days it was that Christian was behind her a hundred and ten percent and that was what was allowing her to be here in the first place, finally accepting that it was time to deal with this.
"Good." Mary smiled. "So what I will need from you is a weekly commitment, an hour to an hour and a half, every week, I won't put a time-frame on it, because we honestly don't know how long it's going to take, we may need breaks between each traumatic memory too so let's not put pressure of a time-scale." She said opening her diary, Ana inhaled as much air as she could, she was really doing this.
When she arrived home she still felt optimistic, if even a little apprehensive about what the coming weeks were going to be like with Mary. She'd been instructed to tell Christian about the therapy, so he could be prepared to support her as things developed. Mary had frightened her a little when she'd started talking about anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants as a means of dealing with the consequence of facing the trauma. After all, she'd already survived the experiences so how would dealing with them make her mental health suffer when she'd coped all these years. But Mary had insisted she be prepared.
"What's going on?" Ana asked feeling sick at seeing Christian standing by the window, a suitcase by his side.
"I'm sorry Ana, baby I need to go to New York, there's an issue with a business deal and I've tried dealing with it remotely to no avail."
"Oh." Ana relaxed a little, she didn't know what she was thinking but seeing him with a suitcase had worried her.
"I have time for dinner before my flight." He said making her smile, he'd waited for her.
He took her hand and led her to the breakfast bar and Mrs Jones immediately served them a dish of fish in some white sauce. Christian didn't let go of Ana's hand, as though he needed to keep hold of her until he left, so he cut his fish with the side of his fork instead.
"How did it go with the shrink?" Christian asked seeing as Ana hadn't yet mentioned it.
"Uh yeah, it was good actually. I like her, she reminds me of your Mom." Ana smiled and Christian did too, he knew it was important that she dealt with this and had finally taken steps to do that. "Uh… she said it's going to get rough…" She looked down at her plate. "Said it won't work if I don't have support."
"You doubt that you do?" He asked releasing her hand only to tip her chin up so she'd look at him.
"No." She smiled. "I just guess I don't want to put the burden on you… she was talking about panic attacks and flashbacks, remembering things I don't necessarily remember already. It's going to be a bumpy ride."
"And I'll be strapped in riding with you." He said taking her hand. "You're the one who has to do the hard work Ana, but I'll be there, every step."
"Thank you." She smiled shyly. "We start properly next week, and every week for as long as we need to."
"I'm proud of you." He leaned forward and kissed her head and she sighed happily, her eyes closed as she relished the feel of his lips on her skin. "I'm sorry I have to go… do you want to come with me?"
"I can't, I have work." Ana chuckled.
"Are you sure I can't tempt you to call in sick, I have an apartment out there, you won't be stuck in a hotel, we'll bring Luke and you can go shopping…"
"No Christian." She chuckled at how playful he was being in trying to persuade her to go. "As tempting as it is, I'm working, and I'd rather not throw a sicky. But maybe I can book some time off and you can take me another time." She said deciding to compromise.
"Ok." He nodded. "Soon." He added making her giggle.
When the meal was finished, Christian had to leave. He didn't want too though. Ana seemed unsettled and he didn't know if it was because of the session she'd had with the shrink or because he was leaving, but it made him feel uncomfortable that he was going.
"I should only be a couple of days." He said she walked him to the elevator where Taylor was waiting for him.
"I'll be fine, go do what you need to do." Ana replied feeling incredibly anxious but doing all she could to hide it. She'd spent plenty of time alone in her life, but being here in Escala alone, would be a whole different ball game.
"Remember Mrs Jones is here, and if you need company, call my Mom." Christian said before leaning in to kiss her. Ana kissed him back desperate to convey to him that she didn't want him to go without having to say the words. The last thing he needed was to feel like he couldn't leave her when he needed to. "I'll text you when I land but you'll probably be sleeping."
"Go." She said unable to cope with the long goodbye.
"I love you." He kissed her cheek and while she thought those three little words, she didn't voice them, not now when he was going.
The elevator closed and Ana dragged herself back to the great room where she would figure out how to spend the next couple of hours before she would go to bed. She had a lot to think about following the appointment with Mary and she had plenty of work she could get on with to keep her mind occupied.
"Would you like something to drink?" Mrs Jones asked as she entered the kitchen, Ana shook her head, she just didn't want to be alone. "It's always the hardest when they first go. I miss Jason terribly but it gets easier…"
"You and Taylor?" Ana asked, Christian hadn't told her that they were together… did he even know?
"Yes." Mrs Jones chuckled. "We do tend to keep it professional though when we're working."
"Of course, you live together, in the conjoined apartment." Ana chuckled, she was the one who hadn't put two and two together, of course, Christian knew! "Have a glass of wine with me." Ana said going over to the wine rack. "Please."
"Well, I am technically off the clock…"
"I won't tell." Ana laughed as she reached for two glasses off the shelf.
"Jason and Mr Grey will often have a brandy together when they're flying." Mrs Jones said making Ana smile, Christian had told her his only friend was Elena, but she was definitely learning that Jason Taylor was more than just a bodyguard. The two men had a bond built on trust.
Mrs Jones and Ana chatted away while they worked their way through the bottle of wine. They both had a mutual interest in books and movies, so there was plenty of conversation to be had. When they finished, it was definitely time for them to make their way to bed.
"What time in the morning?" Mrs Jones asked knowing Ana wouldn't need to be up as early as Christian.
"I think seven-thirty should do it." Ana smiled thinking an extra hour in bed would be welcomed by the housekeeper.
"Seven-thirty it is." Mrs Jones smiled as she put the dishwasher on.
"Goodnight Mrs Jones."
"It's Gail, and goodnight Ana." She replied before going in the opposite direction towards her own apartment space.
Ana got into the bedroom, sorted her clothes out for the following morning before stripping off and dressing for bed. She already missed Christian, he made her feel safe at night. Knowing she wouldn't cope with the darkness alone she made sure to put the lamp on before snuggling down among the thick white sheets.
She couldn't help but be a little bit proud of herself after today. Going in to see Mary had been really difficult but she'd done it, and though she hadn't had to do any actual therapy yet she had told Mary in summary form what she had been through and that had been much easier than she'd expected it to be. The thought of what she had to face in the coming weeks though, caused a horrid chill to make its way down her spine.
Ana curled up in a ball in the corner, as tight as she could make herself. The laughter coming from upstairs only meant one thing. Someone was here. She'd learned to know the difference between visitors and guests. Visitors, wouldn't even know she was there, guests wanted to spend time with her and do horrible and hurtful things to her.
The door to the basement open and Ana put her hand over her mouth to cover the whimper that escaped her. Inside her tiny chest, her little heart was racing as she knew what was coming and she knew it would hurt.
"There she is." A woman's voice said but Ana had closed her eyes so she didn't have to see, she didn't want to see the faces of the people who would come to hurt her.
"Hello beautiful." A man's deep timber reverberated around her head and she shivered and shook as a calloused hand stroked her face. Another small whimper escaped through her tightly sealed lips.
"Stop being dramatic, little bitch." The woman's voice huffed. "She's yours, for one hour."
"Aren't you going to stay and watch?" The voice asked and Ana felt the shadow of the man move away for her, which prompted her to open just one eye to have a peak… he was huge! He had a back that was bigger than her whole body, massive wide shoulders and a bald head.
"Is that an invitation?" The woman purred. No, Ana didn't want her to stay and watch, if she stayed to watch it was always worse because she would tell them to do mean things to her.
"She's yours if you want to stay and watch, I'm not going to stop you." The man replied.
Ana could hear movement but she'd screwed her eyes tightly shut again so she couldn't see what was happening. His hands grabbed her by the biceps and hoisted her up, but she knew better than to fight, fighting always made it worse.
"Timid little thing." The man said before depositing her on the bed in the corner of the room, she knew it was the bed because of the soft mattress beneath her, everything else she would be put on was hard.
She didn't fight as her tiny wrists were shackled to each corner and she didn't fight when her t-shirt was lifted so it was over her face.
"I like blood." The man said and Ana bit back a sob, this was really going to hurt.
"As long as it isn't anywhere it will be seen, she's going to grow to be a fine little thing and I don't want people asking questions when she's older." The woman replied. Cool metal stroked her ribs and the whimpers finally broke through Ana's bitten lip. The blade cut at her and she screamed…
Jumping upright in bed Ana clutched at her left breast which was burning hot as though it had been cut only this moment. Her heart raced in her chest and a cool sweat covered her entire body. It was just a nightmare. She bit back a sob, she'd cried enough tears over the memories she had of the abuse and she wasn't going to start crying more about it now. That was a particularly violent memory that often came back to haunt her. That man was responsible for many of the scars she now carried and she had no idea who he was or what he looked like.
Ana climbed out of bed and shivered as the cold of the bedroom washed over her sticky body. She felt gross with how she was soaked in her own sweat and decided the only way to fix it was by having a shower at once rather than simply changing and going back to bed. She turned the setting onto cold, preferring the freezing water on her skin after such horrible nightmares that made her feel so clammy.
She scrubbed at her skin until it glowed red, she often did this when she had a nightmare which would cause her to feel the need to rip her own skin off to get clean. She dried herself and pulled on some fresh nightclothes. Sleep was not going to come easy to her but she wasn't in the mood to read, she wanted an escape from her thoughts. Eventually, she wandered to the kitchen to get herself a glass of OJ and as she headed back for her bedroom her eyes fell on her violin. Christian had put it on a stand next to his piano so it was always in easy reach for her. The violin always bought her peace of mind and calmed her thoughts and knowing she was home alone and wouldn't disturb anyone she decided to pick up and play.
She had learned so many songs by memory when she'd been with Sister Emily, and she was surprised how much she remembered. Christian had bought her the greatest gift when he'd bought her this violin. Sister Emily would make her play when she was sad, tell her to put her emotions and energy into the music. It always worked to move her mind and Sister Emily would say she played her best when she was sad too, Ana was never sure if that was said to help cheer her up or it was true, but either way by the time she finished playing she would be happy.
Moving while playing was her way of getting rid of her frustrations too. She liked to dance and sway along with her own music. She'd disappear into her mind where everything was peaceful and silent. It used to drive Sister Emily nuts. The only things that should be moving are your fingers and your bow Ana, not your head, feet and behind! Sister Emily used to tease but Ana couldn't help it, she just needed to move when she played and she'd let the music guide her.
"Ana?" Ana jumped out of her skin at the voice and spun around to the entrance of the great room to see Gail Jones there tying her nightgown around her waist.
"Oh Gail, I'm so sorry…" Ana exclaimed. "I didn't think you'd be able to hear me."
"It's ok." Gail chuckled. "How about a cup of tea?" Ana glanced at the clock on the wall as Mrs Jones headed towards the kitchen, it was four am. So much for that lie in!
Ana popped her violin back onto the stand with the bow and went over to light the fire, now she'd stopped dancing along with the violin she realised how cold it felt in the big room. Gail bought through a tea tray and Ana sat back on the great white couch while it was poured, the only thing that could be heard was the ticking of the clock.
"So, do you want to tell me what has you up playing the violin at four am?" Gail asked handing Ana a cup of tea before taking her own and sitting next to the younger woman.
"I had a nightmare." Ana admitted looking into her cup. "Christian makes me feel safe, without him here I guess I just don't feel safe."
"Aw sweetheart." Gail put her hand on Ana's knee and Ana cupped her own over it.
"Do they go away often?" Ana asked nervously.
"They can do." Gail nodded. "A couple of years ago, they were gone a whole month, Japan first then China I think and then they weren't back a week before it was off to New York. I mean, Christian doesn't always go away and I think he does try to send his staff. I think when he goes it's a last resort." Gail explained and Ana nodded, she couldn't imagine going a whole month without him but she'd never be able to go with him for that long anyway, plus she didn't have a passport!
"I don't know how I'm going to cope with him gone. I hate it. The nightmare was so vivid. I was back in that place, I felt five years old again…" Ana's voice cracked and Gail put her cup down on the coffee table, took Ana's from her, and pulled Ana gently into her chest. Jason had told her what Ana's story was after Christian had confided it in him and she'd cried for hours. How anyone could hurt an innocent child she didn't know, it made her so sick but to hear Ana opening up about it made it feel all the more real.
"They'll never hurt you again sweetheart." Gail said running her fingers through Ana's hair as she battled her tears. "I promise you. They'll never hurt you again."
"But they do Gail." Ana sat up. "That's the problem. Until I deal with this every time it comes to mind whether it be through a nightmare or a flashback or just even remembering, they get to abuse me all over again…" Ana was admitting something she'd never admitted before and she wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because Gail also made her feel safe, maybe it was because she was still trying to convince herself that she needed the therapy and was scared she'd change her mind.
"No sweetheart they don't." Gail replied softly. "Look around you, look at where you are now in life, they'll never touch you again, they'll never hurt you. Yes, the memories hurt, but that will get better in time and with therapy, but they didn't win Ana, they'll never win." Ana hugged Gail tight, grateful that she had come down at this silly hour to check on her when she'd heard the violin. She'd said something that made Ana realise that she was right, look at where she was now. Living with Christian Grey in a mansion in the sky, with an incredible job after graduating college. That five-year-old girl was supposed to die, but instead, she survived and fought and came back stronger. As Gail continued to brush her fingers softly through Ana's hair, Ana fell asleep, feeling once again safe.