Loss Can Be Such A Painful Thing
Rey didn't remember moving from the throne room to outside the wreckage. She barely registered the wind whistling around them and the ocean spray on her face. All she was focused on was her rage. Uncontrollable, unbridled fury. Darkness oozed from her very being as her anger flared out in waves. The fact that Kylo wasn't attacking her only served to infuriate her more.
She drew from the vast depths of the Force and she relished in the power it gave her. Her movements were faster, her blows heavier. Rey felt drunk on adrenaline, power, and rage. It was like she had tunnel vision and the only intention she had was to hurt the man in front of her.
It felt like a choreographed dance. The blows exchanged were fast and fluid in motion, with neither one of them stopping for breath. Rey drove Kylo back further and further onto the narrow strip of metal across the water.
Rey ignored the spray of cold water hitting her face as the ocean waves crashed against the wreckage. She swung, slashed, and spun her saber in a deadly arc of blue plasma as it cut through the air. She made her way towards Kylo in a furious attempt to disarm him-no. To kill him.
Kylo was just frustrated at this point. He didn't want to fight her, so he made no move to attack her, just parrying her blows when needed. While Rey's skills with a lightsaber had greatly improved over time, Kylo was still physically stronger and had more experience. But Rey was a little faster than him which kept him on his guard. Kylo just wanted this fighting between them to end, even though this display of rage pushed her further into the dark side, right where he wanted her. ...right?
Rey was so caught up in the moment that she didn't even see Finn running towards her with Jannah close behind.
"REYYY!" Finn screamed. Rey's head whipped around to face him and an overwhelming surge of panic rushed through her. She had to protect her friend. But as she continued to battle Kylo, anger surged up in her, too. Finn didn't know what was going on, he didn't know what she was going through and he didn't have the right to tell her what to do and what not to do. Rey was so sick and tired of Finn butting into her business and acting like she was a fragile child that needed to be protected, even if his intentions were good at heart. But her anger lessened as the urge to keep him safe overwhelmed her.
Rey struck at Kylo and then abruptly turned. She called on the Force and thrust her hand out.
"NO!" she screamed, and she sent Finn flying backward through the air back towards Jannah, away from her. Finn couldn't be around her, not anymore, not now that she knew who she really was. It wasn't safe for him, Finn didn't deserve to be around a disease of darkness that tainted her blood forever. But she couldn't dwell on her friend any longer as she turned back around to face her opponent.
Kylo was surprised at Rey's outburst. She didn't even seem to care if she had hurt her friend by pushing him away. Kylo had seen him hit the ground hard. But before he could think too much of it, he was forced to turn his attention back to Rey.
Rey's blade locked with Kylo's, blue and red clashing against each other in a spray of sparks. Rey glared at him but then her gaze was suddenly directed behind him as her eyes widened. Kylo turned to look over his shoulder to see a massive wall of water descending down upon them. Rey thrust Kylo's blade away and called on the Force to leap over the massive gap between two sections of the wreckage. Kylo quickly followed, just before the wave crashed down on where they had stood only seconds before.
Rey landed with a loud thud on the metal and Kylo landed a few feet in front of her. He turned, brandishing his saber. Rey attacked again, shouting with effort as their blades continued to clash.
Finn had landed hard on his back with a groan of pain as he slid across the metal. But now, Finn watched in horror as Rey and Kylo Ren's figures disappeared behind the wave of water. Jannah had come to help him up but when Finn tried to get to his feet she grabbed his arm, sensing his intent. Finn tried to go after them but Jannah pulled on his arm tightly.
"No! We can't follow them!" she said, yelling to be heard over the ocean.
Finn turned to face her, his eyes wide with panic.
"I can't leave her!" he shouted. Jannah tugged on his arm more forcefully.
"We can't!" she said. Didn't he realize that? They literally couldn't. The gap was far too wide and there was no use to go after them anyway. This fight was beyond them. They would be killed by Ren, and honestly, with the state that Rey seemed to be in, Jannah was worried about what would happen to them if they followed.
"Rey!" Finn screamed one last time, staring helplessly at their fading figures. Finn felt hopeless. Rey was his best friend. He thought about their exchange on the Falcon, how she'd responded when he told her that he knew her.
"Rey, I know you-" Finn said. Rey slammed the panel shut and cut him off.
"People keep telling me they know me. I'm afraid no one does."
Maybe she was right. Maybe he didn't know her. The Rey he knew wouldn't have pushed him away. But Finn was beginning to realize that he had to let her go. Rey had been on her own agenda even when they had first taken off from Ajan Kloss. Despite Finn's fierce instinct to protect her, he realized that Jannah was right. He couldn't protect her, even if Rey had wanted him to. He had to stop clinging to her. Rey was on her own path, and Finn had to accept that. He had to trust Rey to take care of herself. He had his own issues to worry about. He turned to Jannah and nodded grimly and the pair began to make their way back to their skimmer.
Rey continued to exchange blows with Kylo. She could tell that he was becoming frustrated with her and he started to increase the strengths of his blows, doing more than just parrying her blade away. Good. Rey wanted him to feel what she was feeling. That anger inside both of them that was causing her so much pain. She wanted him to hurt.
Rey brought her blade down on his, hard and he was forced to grasp the hilt with both hands to block her. She bared her teeth and glared at him before striking again. Kylo thrust his saber forward in a stab that would have run her through, but she forced her blade on top of his and thrust it down into the metal. The metal shrieked as the saber cut into it, sparks flying and the blades hissing. Rey met Kylo's gaze fiercely with her teeth gritted. He met hers back with the same intensity, but his face was a mask of infuriating calm and control.
Kylo's dark hair hung across his forehead as he stared at Rey. Steam and vapor rose from their sabers and the metal and as he met her gaze, bared teeth, blazing eyes, and all, he sent a message into her mind.
This is who you are, Rey. Surrender to it.
You don't know me! No one does! She shouted back at him mentally as she glared at him. They both knew better.
But I do, he pressed into her mind. They both knew it was true. They were perhaps the only people who truly understood each other, who knew each other sometimes better than they knew themselves. Rey only grew angrier and she wrenched her blade away from his and without any warning, called on the Force and flipped backward in a high arc over a massive wave of water. She landed in a crouch in front of another gun turret and looked up.
The wave had crashed over where she and Kylo had stood, but she couldn't see him. Had the wave washed him away? But as the water settled, she saw a red light emerge. Kylo strode towards her, his clothes soaked with ocean water, his dark hair plastered to his face. He turned his saber so he held it in reverse. He had withstood the wave. From the way he was looking at her, it looked like he could withstand anything.
Rey readied herself and steeled her gaze as he came towards her. He swung at her, this time with the full force of his power. Rey dodged but wasn't able to bring her blade up in time to block his next blow. So she thrust out her hand and used the force to freeze Kylo's blade in place. She was straining from the effort as the blade shook and vibrated trying to maintain its path.
Kylo swung his saber underneath and their sabers collided again and again. Rey swung again, so sure that she had caught him off guard. But her blade was stopped midway as he used the Force to freeze her blade just as she had done with his, moments before. The blue blade of the saber hummed violently as Rey struggled to move it. Streaks of blue came from the saber as it strained against Kylo's will. Rey glared at Kylo who met her gaze just as fiercely. She struck again and again.
Their sabers collided and forced them backward putting a little bit of distance between them. Both of them tried to catch their breath in this brief moment of reprieve. Rey only now began to realize how cold it was, with the harsh wind whipping around her combined with the fact that she was soaked with water. She shivered as a spray of water hit her back, but continued to press on.
Rey turned her saber so that now her grip was in reverse. She slashed quickly and forcefully, but she could feel herself tiring. She was beginning to suspect that while they were evenly matched, for the most part, Kylo was stronger and more skilled than she was. But she locked her blade with his once more and pushed it towards his crossguard. He flung their sabers up and Rey cried out as one of the vents burnt her hand.
She stumbled back and shook out her hand in pain and a bit of shock. Rey tried to draw power from her pain as she attacked again. But Kylo brought his saber down so forcefully that Rey stumbled and fell to her knees. He lowered his saber and stared down at her.
Rey was breathing heavily, her muscles were aching and her limbs were beginning to feel heavy. She looked up at him. She was exhausted. Rey didn't remember the last time she had slept, really slept. And she still hadn't recovered from healing the snake in Pasaana. But Rey refused to admit defeat.
She swung upwards but he blocked it with ease. She wasn't able to get to her feet as his blows forced her down. His last blow made her fall on her back. Rey realized that she might not be able to dodge his blows anymore.
Kylo began to bring his saber down and Rey flinched violently as if preparing herself for the worst. He froze, looking at her small form below him. Kylo realized what he had been about to do. His anger had almost gotten the best of him again. He had never wanted to kill her, and he wouldn't do it now. He stepped back slightly and lowered his saber but then his body went rigid as if he had been struck. He slowly turned behind him as if he heard the slightest whisper, calling his name…
Leia sat on her bed, holding Han's medal in her hands. She remembered placing it over his head and how she had smiled when he winked at her in a way only Han Solo could and how she had blushed. Leia remembered how hopeful she'd been after their first victory. How she had first met her brother, Chewie, and the love of her life. Her heart ached for all the ones that she had lost. Especially for Ben. Her son. Her beautiful son.
She remembered Ben being a tiny baby, crying so often but relaxing whenever he had sensed Han, Leia, or Chewie nearby. She remembered Han holding him for the first time, teaching him to fly the Falcon. His first word, the first time he used the Force. He had sent a toy flying across the room and it had hit Han's leg and she remembered how Han had yelped in surprise in a way that was so unlike Han that she had burst into laughter. Ben had giggled gleefully, clapping his small hands with his brown eyes shining. Han had laughed too and had picked up his son and tossed him up in the air, causing Ben to shriek with laughter. Han always caught him, though, being careful so he wouldn't fall.
Leia smiled as she remembered Chewie teaching Ben Dejarik, but mostly how to cheat so he'd win against his father. Chewie had helped take care of him so much, and it was only now when she looked back on it that Leia realized how little she and Han had actually been there for her son.
While she loved Han dearly, they were both stubborn and often argued. Leia only now realized the effect that must have had on Ben. Han was too restless to stay in one place for long, often out smuggling and being away from home for weeks sometimes. She had been so busy with her political career that she was often away, too. Her biggest regret was sending him off to Luke. Han was, well, Han about it, but she thought it would be good for Ben. She should never have pushed him away. Him or Han.
Leia looked at R2-D2 who beeped curiously at her. She gave him a small smile.
"I have to try, R2," she said, softly. "At least one more time." She had resented her birth father for so long for being Darth Vader, that she had forgotten that her actual father was Anakin Skywalker. He had turned back to the light. She knew Ben could, too. She had felt his conflict, and from her conversations with Rey, he was still conflicted with his feelings.
Her heart warmed as she thought of Rey. The girl was headstrong but kind and bright. She was so much like Ben in some ways and in other ways the complete opposite. Leia wasn't a fool, she saw how much Rey cared for her son, even if Rey didn't know it herself. And from what Rey had told her, her son cared about Rey, too. She smirked slightly. Solo men were practically putty in a woman's hand. Especially a woman that they loved. She just hoped that those two young idiots would realize that in time.
Leia closed her eyes and reached out to the Force. She let it surround her, fill her, give her the strength she needed. As she connected with every living thing, she reached out for her son. And then, with every ounce of forgiveness, hope, life, but most of all, every bit of love that Leia possessed, she sent out one last word across the galaxy.
"Ben!"
Leia lay down on her bed and she sent her son every part of her love, to let him know that he was loved. That he could come home. Her head touched the pillow, and she closed her eyes. The last thing she knew was her hand releasing Han's medal, R2-D2's whir of sadness, and the warm surge of welcome from Luke as he extended his hand to her. Leia grasped her brother's hand. And with that, Leia Skywalker Organa Solo breathed her last breath.
Kylo's gaze became lost and distant, as he felt his mother's presence wash over him. He didn't even notice his saber falling from his hands.
Rey caught it as a sense of triumph filled her. She ignited the blade and with a shout, she stabbed Kylo through the gut.
At that same moment, the Force trembled as Leia sent her last thought across the galaxy as she died. The moment she was gone, both Kylo and Rey felt it.
Kylo became aware of the throbbing pain in his gut and looked down to see that Rey had stabbed him with his own lightsaber. But he was nearly numb to that. Because that pain was nothing compared to the pain in his heart right now.
Rey gasped and froze as she realized what had happened. Her eyes widened and she cried out, "Leia!" She turned off the lightsaber and Kylo collapsed to the floor. He could only stare off into the distance as the pain threatened to take him.
Rey's arm lowered slowly in shock and her chest was heaving as her eyes filled with tears. It felt as if she had taken a lightsaber wound, too. Her chest ached with pain as she tried to comprehend another tragedy, another death. An overwhelming sense of loss filled her and she stumbled.
Her gaze fell to the man in front of her. Her stomach dropped when she realized what she'd done. Her anger was gone now, replaced with aching loss and sorrow. She fell to her knees next to him and stared at him. The pain she was feeling must only be a fraction of what Kylo was feeling.
Leia's last thought had been for Ben. She'd called him back to the light, back to home. She'd forgiven him for everything and had apologized for everything. The fact that Leia still loved him had broken Kylo on the inside. The mask over his heart had been shattered again, and this time, Kylo couldn't make himself pick up the pieces. The aching loss he felt threatened to consume him in his grief.
Kylo felt Rey kneel beside him, but he didn't look at her. He couldn't look at her. He felt water run down his cheeks but he wasn't sure if it was ocean spray or tears, or both.
Rey looked at the wound that she'd inflicted. It was mortal and he was already slipping away. She looked at him tearfully, tears running down her cheeks as shame filled her. Rey didn't know what to do, but then she remembered Pasaana.
Rey closed her eyes, and put her hand on Kylo's chest, near his wound, over his heart. She reached for the Force and she gave. She would not let him die. She drew from her life force and gave it to the broken man in front of her.
His wound slowly closed, muscle and sinew stitching back together, and the skin closed over where the wound had been, new and perfect without leaving a hint of a scar. Even the scar on his cheek, the one that she'd given him so long ago, had healed. The scar knitted closed, leaving his face unmarked, smooth, and perfect.
Kylo took a deep breath, free of pain and his chest rose and fell under Rey's hand. He looked down at her hand, astonished, and then turned to look at her face. She tearfully opened her eyes, her face a mix of pain, shame, exhaustion, and yearning. He was sure that his face mirrored a similar expression.
Why had she healed him? Why not just let him die? It's what she should have done.
Rey slumped over beside him, exhausted and drained. She looked at him as she cried, trying to convey how sorry she was. Their faces were so close that the vapor from their breath was mixing. Rey wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms at the moment, but she knew that she didn't deserve that. She reluctantly drew her hand away from him.
Kylo could feel warmth spreading throughout his body from where her hand had been. His eyes were questioning, confused, shocked.
Rey stared into his deep, expressive eyes and a fresh wave of pain washed over her when she realized how much his eyes looked like Leia's. But what struck her the most of all was the obvious longing she saw there. She could feel it across their Bond. That same longing was flowing through her.
Their shared grief for Leia only strengthened their feelings for each other, as they tried to comprehend what they had lost, and what they had just almost lost.
Rey wanted to reach out and touch his face, to just feel him, to make sure he really was there, that she hadn't killed him, but she was so exhausted that she could barely move.
Kylo hated seeing her cry, but he was too dumbfounded and shocked to do or say anything. His eyes roamed over her face in confusion, trying to understand.
Rey's lower lip was trembling and the way she was shivering had nothing to do with the cold water. She was barely holding her composure together as her body racked with quiet sobs. Rey felt like her heart was breaking, disintegrating into nothingness. The weight of her grief for Leia was only worsened by the immense shame and guilt for who she was, what she had almost done. She was panting heavily, trying to catch her breath. She dropped her gaze unable to hold Kylo's eyes as he stared at her with a thousand unspoken questions racing through his mind and into their Bond. She pretended not to notice the way his eyes swept over her face and her body as his own face showed confusion and that damned longing and desire that they both had tried to deny for so long. Rey was tired of denying the way she felt. Her voice shook when she finally spoke.
"I did want to take your hand," she said, softly. Rey looked up at him with sorrow, pain, regret, and she finally let him see the aching longing she felt. Her next words were barely audible. "Ben's hand."
It was her way of admitting her feelings for him, sending that compassion she had for him, her anger at his stubbornness, her fear of losing him, her empathy for his loneliness, but especially the tormenting longing and the agonizing need she felt for him. She cared about him so much it hurt. She needed him to see that.
Kylo's breath had hitched when Rey's words fell from her lips. His eyes widened as he stared at her in wonder. She was sending him image after image, unspoken words that she had longed to say, actions she wished she had done, and her most precious memories with him. She cared for him, as he did her. He looked into her tear-filled hazel eyes and he saw how much Rey was truly hurting and his heart broke a little more for her. His heart was racing and he felt overwhelmed from the mix of emotions that swam between them.
Rey was shaking so hard that she could barely grasp her lightsaber when she went to pick it up. She stood on wobbly legs and forced herself to run towards Kylo's parked TIE, leaving him sitting on the wreckage, dumbfounded. Rey could feel his pain, his confusion, his conflict as they mixed in with her own emotions. She couldn't look back, otherwise, she didn't think that she'd be able to leave. She had to get away from him, from everyone.
Rey sat down in the cockpit but froze for a moment. Her breaths were uneven, her heart was racing, her body was shaking and she felt the soreness in her muscles and the exhaustion that threatened to claim her. Her mind was racing and her heart was breaking. Rey forced her trembling hands to grasp the controls and pilot the ship away from Kef Bir. She didn't know exactly what she was doing as she punched in the coordinates, she was too numb to feel it.
Once the ship went into hyperspace, Rey slumped down in her seat and cried. She cried for Leia, for her friends, for who she was, for what she'd done, for what could have been, and especially for Ben. Rey trembled in the cockpit as sobs racked her body, as she left everything and everyone she loved. Especially for her other half, the one person who truly understood her, and the one person that she cared for more than anyone. The man that she lo- She couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence. She didn't deserve to.
As she cried, one thought, in particular, kept surfacing in the tumult of her thoughts: I'm sorry, Ben. I'm so sorry...
Author's Note: Holy crap, this chapter was hard to write. Writing Leia's death made me want to start crying in a corner. *sobs* Aghh these emotions are so difficult to capture because I feel like there were so many things that happened between them that was unspoken. So, I hoped I captured all of the feels and angst between them. Also, I wrote a bit of Finn's POV because I was so annoyed with his character in TROS with him constantly following Rey around. So that bit I wrote in is what I wished would have happened to his character arc. Ahh, anyway, I hope I did this scene justice. Where there enough feels lmao? Ah, I hope you guys enjoyed it! Fuck, this next chapter is gonna have me crying for sure.