Chapter Thirty-Six: The Art of Crying

TWs: Negative thoughts bordering on suicidal. Mention of parental death. (Am I doing this right?)

Remus ran to the bathroom once he reached the dorm and threw himself against the toilet retching, feeling distinctively gross. He had teased his friends throughout breakfast trying to ignore the sickening sensation rising in him at having been eating like some wild animal again.

He tugged at his sleeves which never seemed long enough nowadays, his tears falling into the toilet bowl. Sniffling, trying to be quiet enough that his friends didn't hear him over their laughter he pulled out his father's letter reading it again and clutching it to his chest for comfort.

Dear Remus,

I have been doing well and from your last letter, I wish the same was true for you. I know it's scary son but I also know you are incredibly strong and that you'll get through this. Don't let what's happened to you take more from you than it should. Please keep writing as I'm concerned but don't panic too much because if Dumbledore says it's fine then it is. If you need me to visit you Dumbledore has already granted me permission to do so, just let me know if that's what you want. It will be alright.

Remus had angrily scrawled out the second part which reminded him of his promise not to make friends and be careful as well as a few sentences about how he wasn't allowed to lose control over his emotions. He had almost ripped up the letter several times the past few days, it was the first he'd heard from his father all year and it took Remus writing him on a parchment stained with tears about how his eyes glowed and his body ached more than it ever had before, for his father to respond. He hadn't even mentioned the growing restlessness he kept feeling and the random times of insane hunger and then exhaustion.

But he hadn't ripped it up because in his father's stiff handwriting at the very bottom he had written 'I love you son, I don't say it enough but I do,'. So instead Remus kept it in his pocket like some sort of talisman holding it at times like now when the confusion and fear that things were getting worse threatened to overwhelm him.

"You alright in there mate? Fall in the loo?" James asked with a nervous laugh and Remus covered his mouth to quiet his sobs worried he'd been too loud. There was silence for a few minutes then another louder knock.

"Remus? You know we aren't actually mad about you laughing at us right? We know it's funny the girls are doing better."

"Yeah, except maybe help us….ow Sirius I'm just saying...ow alright alright….it's fine either way Remus as long as you don't side with them OW!"

If Remus didn't feel so terrible he would have laughed at them, instead he rushed to turn on the shower going to stand by the door to listen.

"See he's fine Sirius, he's just taking a shower," James sounded nervous though, worried despite his assurance to Sirius.

How he wished he could be better for his friends!

He figured overall he was hiding things well, since even Lily, who occasionally hinted at his transformation, didn't realize how different and scary things were for him at the moment. He kept remembering that girl, a Muggle sure, but one who had died after being a werewolf for years. She had simply died during a transformation, died from transforming, no longer able to handle the strain.

Yes, he wasn't a Muggle but did it make that big of a difference? Would his dad have written at all if everything was really ok?

"That's not fine! When in the years we've known him has he ever taken a shower during the day? He always does it at the crack of dawn or earlier…..this is very unusual. I bet you upset him about the prank war, James."

"I was only joking. Maybe it's the letter he got from his dad a few days ago?"

"Yes maybe," Sirius snapped sounding short "but it's not like we know what it said and he was grinning when he got it."

"Been grinning a lot lately, teasing us a lot too. He's fine Sirius," James attempted to sound soothing though Remus wasn't entirely sure how convincing he was being.

"Yeah, besides disappearing once a bloody month and getting sick in classes out of nowhere."

Remus shuddered and quickly padded back over to the toilet huddling in the corner.

He'd nearly forgotten about that. He had been able to tell that Mr. Howell was a werewolf, he wasn't sure how only that he knew and it seemed their professor had no plans to reveal what the man was, yet.

But Remus could only imagine the reactions, and worse still the man seemed to know what Remus was too. He'd never heard of werewolves being able to instinctively know one another but he supposed if they did have that ability they'd keep quiet about it and it would make sense to just...know.

Shaking his head he read the letter again and again trying to figure out if he really was just overreacting or if the adults were lying to him. He had considered bringing up his concerns with Lily but there was no way he could place that on her shoulders and anytime he tried to get more information out of the matron she just replied that it was 'perfectly normal' with a too-tight smile.

Suddenly the door flew off its hinges and Remus let out a yelp, jumping to his feet and shoving the crumpled letter back into his pocket.

"See I TOLD YOU!" Sirius called victoriously as Remus quickly wiped his eyes, though it was still blatantly obvious he had been crying from how red they were.

"I didn't say you were wrong," James argued, both of them looking at Remus with concern.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked

"Yeah, who do I need to beat up?" James asked, cracking his fists as if he looked at all intimidating with his wiry frame and messy hair. Peter's head appeared for a second as he jumped up to see past James and Sirius who were blocking his view.

"It's my mom," Remus lied because he couldn't think of anything else at the moment and it seemed the most plausible. Besides, they all knew that the thing once a month didn't have to do with her anymore, so maybe he could afford to be a little honest with them, about some things.

...

"She…..passed away…..awhile ago….," Remus explained, his voice shaking, a large blanket forcibly wrapped around him, clutching the mug of hot tea that was given to him against his will.

All of them were huddled on his bed, sad faces full of sympathy stared at him. None of them really knew what to say besides the occasional awkward 'I'm sorry' or reassurance they were here for him. But that was enough, bringing some comfort as he finally explained what his mother had and how much she had suffered and how hard it had been to watch her die.

They listened, all of them very solemn, and they stayed with him. They asked him to tell them stories about her and Remus who had never really talked to anyone about his mother before found himself telling them all about her feeling closer to her than he had in a long time.

When Peter had slipped off the bed only to fetch Remus' mother's blanket from his trunk he had almost started crying, a single tear falling down his cheek. Hearing his father's voice that he always had to be in control of his emotions he prevented, with difficulty, anymore from falling.

His friends all huddled against him, arms over shoulders and comforting body warmth pressed against him as if he were cold. It wasn't until Sirius carefully wrapped his mother's blanket around him that he realized he was shivering badly, his teeth chattering so that he had to wonder how much of his stories had actually been comprehended.

After a while, they somehow transitioned into all of them talking about their mothers, a sort of primal urge for all of them to hold and reflect about the good times they had with them, even Sirius, and they ended up talking for hours.

It was the first time Remus had skipped a class without actually having to, but as the stories turned into games and hesitant laughter, all three of his friends being incredibly supportive, he found it was exactly what he needed to make him feel better.

Because even though they didn't know the actual truth of what had upset him, their presence and friendship pulled him away from a dark bleakness that had been threatening to overwhelm him as he struggled with the question of 'should he stay around long enough if things only got worse?' But his friends made him want to fight, made him want to live and they could never fully understand just how much that meant to him, how much they meant to him.

By the time supper had come and gone James' and Peter's bellies especially led them to go sneak into the kitchen for some 'appropriate food' whatever that meant. Remus wasn't too hungry but wished he had gone with them because he was suddenly alone with Sirius, who was much too understanding and kind, and somehow dangerously inexplicably made Remus want to tell him more things about himself, terrible things, things he would hate him for.

"A single tear."

Remus looked over, back on his bed as the four of them had been charming paper airplanes to do tricks each from their own 'station'/bed.

"What?" he asked quietly, his voice sounding a little hoarse.

"You only shed a single tear. You must have been sobbing in the bathroom from how red your eyes were…and you've seen us bawl our eyes out in embarrassingly childlike ways. Peter's literally wiped snot on you and I've…..you've let me cry myself to sleep. Even James who has... like the least reason to cry out of all of us has cried to you over missing his parents last year and don't deny it because he told me this summer he did," Sirius whispered, sounding hoarse himself.

"I wasn't going to," Remus admitted, confused with where this was going.

"But you don't cry. You don't cry to us, you don't come to us. We're your friends, why can't you just trust us?" Sirius was crying now, his friends had all been close to tears when he explained about his mother but probably because he wasn't crying they all had struggled not to do so themselves.

Remus wondered if James and Peter were having a similar conversation amongst themselves or if Sirius was the only one bothered by this.

"I…...I wasn't allowed to…" He looked away from Sirius' far too piercing eyes. "Wasn't it the same with you?" he asked a bit desperately.

"When I was really little I cried to my mum because she cared back then you see. But even when I was older I cried to Drommie pretty much constantly, and my uncle, and even to my mother after Bellatrix crucio'd me… Even when my mom was at her worst I could always, well almost always, floo over to my aunts where she was somewhat more sympathetic and Drommie was great and Sissy….," Sirius trailed off.

"You used to be best friends with her didn't you?" Remus asked, having been wondering this for a while.

"Yeah, I guess...we were close in age and...NO!" Sirius suddenly shouted with such anger that Remus jumped.

"What?" he asked, looking around expecting to find something horribly wrong, he even checked Sirius' arms but Elvis was still curled up safe and sound. Then he realized Sirius was looking at him and he wilted suddenly feeling guilty though he wasn't sure why, his friend just looked so….hurt.

"You always do this and it's not fair and I'm not allowing it. This isn't about the once a month thing and if you think I can just stand for you never to talk about you or show when you're actually mad or sad you've got it all wrong!" Sirius hollered as if Remus was particularly hard of hearing.

"I didn't mean…."

"That's worse! If you don't mean to change the subject and do that's worse."

Sirius gently set Elvis down and strode over to Remus' bed making him very nervous. But his friend just sat beside him fuming.

"Talk to me. I get it more than anyone, so talk to me."

"But….but you don't," Remus heard himself whisper the words in horror but couldn't seem to stop them. Sirius didn't look offended, if anything he looked relieved and nodded for Remus to continue, determination set in his eyes. "You said it yourself you had someone…" Remus stopped himself feeling horrified.

"And you didn't," Sirius concluded in a tone that sounded strangled but strong. Remus shook his head because clearly that was wrong, he had his mother who comforted him only….only….

"She was sick….I didn't want to worry her more than I already did. I was already worrying her so much…...just you know... because parents worry in general…" Remus added hastily but Sirius only nodded not seeming to notice the slip. "She was there when I cried but….I tried not to….since she always cried….and always felt so ill….."

He almost let slip he made her sick, so it's not like he had any right to cry to her even as little as he had.

He wished she was here so he could cry to her now, wished she had been strong enough to withstand his anguish, he loved her so much, but he wished she had been strong enough that he hadn't felt like he had to protect her.

Suddenly Sirius' hand was on his head and he let out a startled yelp of confusion as his friend pushed his head down into his lap.

"Sirius...what?"

"Shut up! This is…..this is what Drommie would do when I was too angry or hurt but too embarrassed to want to cry to her…..see this way I'm not watching you…...you can cry Remus you should cry. Your mother died anyone would cry…..but….but don't cry alone…," Sirius explained in a too high pitched voice and Remus could hear the tears in his voice.

Tears he had again caused.

"Don't do that," Sirius snapped and Remus flinched wondering if his friend could suddenly read his mind.

"Do what?" he asked nervously

"Yes, I'm crying. Fucking deal with it. Of course, I am but it's not your fault. You get all tense and I know how you think. I'm not crying because of you but for you. Drommie told me that too, she's really wise, she'll make a great mom, but anyways this isn't your fault."

Remus felt his resolve not to cry begin to crack, the tight control on his emotions beginning to slip away.

"Sirius I can't….," he whimpered hating how pathetic he sounded but his friend didn't laugh at him or mock him or anything of the sort. He could feel Sirius take a deep breath and wondered if he was bothering him. He tried to sit up suddenly aware of how strange this was, his cheeks heating with embarrassment, but Sirius' hand on his head kept him firmly there.

"Why not?"

"Because…..because I have to…..," he struggled to explain in a way without giving away more than he wanted to. "Because my dad says I have to control my emotions….master them...that's what makes a good wizard…"

"Rubbish!" Sirius scolded

"I'm afraid of what will happen if I do," Remus admitted in a too-small voice.

"What do you mean? Look I promise I won't ask any questions, I won't even tell Peter and James about this if you want. You haven't told them how many times I've cried in your arms like a blubbering baby. I know this is weird but I can't think of anything else and…..," Sirius sounded nervous and Remus couldn't help but laugh at him, a slightly tense mostly hysterical bubble of nervous laughter.

"You don't need to mock me. I know I'm rubbish at this and I'm trying but… Oh, Remus!" Sirius sounded heartbroken but Remus had lost that grip on his emotions as soon as he let out a laugh and was sobbing too hard to stop now, wailing and crying, his whole body aching with it as if trying to expel every last drop that he had so often held back.

It all came pouring out like a flood and at first, Sirius seemed at an utter loss, probably not expecting Remus to cry so much, and so loud. His friend's hand shook as he stroked Remus' hair explaining through his own tears how sorry he was.

Remus barely heard he just kept crying and crying and crying.

Somewhere along the line between despair and grief and exhaustion, Sirius started singing in a broken voice that grew stronger once he realized it was calming Remus down, at least enough that he wasn't coughing out his sobs, choking on them barely able to breathe through them.

It was ridiculous and embarrassing and so damn comforting that Remus forgot all else and he just cried finding it impossible to believe that he had found someone who made him feel as safe as his mother did, he just hoped bitterly he wouldn't worry this precious person in his life to death as well.