A/N: Hello everybody! I wanted to start this off by telling you guys something important. This chapter is centered around the discussion of an eating disorder, specifically bulimia. If you find this sensitive and triggering I wouldn't read it, it's nothing dark nothing heavy, but the topic alone is extremely important and I wanted to write about it. I also wanted to mention that if this is something you're dealing with, please, please, please, seek help.
You are never alone.
Katy Kear: Something ALWAYS goes wrong. That's the absolute certainty of toxic relationships. I think the way Joshaya is handled in this series and the way the story ends and where they leave off is better than proposing if I'm honest. It's almost bittersweet, but I felt like Josh proposing was almost too expected and I wanted something different for them. Thank you so much for reviewing!
Guest: Not rushing anything trust me. And I have mentioned that everything starts to wrap in the last chapter.
Hey: I have a friend who's astrology obsessed and it inspired me to include some of it in the series. Riley's birthday is on December 8th, 2002 and she's a Sagittarius, and Lucas was born January 15th, 2003 and he's a Capricorn. I had no idea they were fire and earth, omg. Please let me know where you find out about these things they're so cool.
Guest: I always felt like if Riley and Lucas never got together, she would've dated Farkle. They were cute as well. I would've preferred if the triangle was more Riley, Lucas, and Farkle, that would've been interesting. And thank you, Joshaya in this series looks like an angel with wings.
GuestEstelle: I think you're focusing too much on Maya's take on this. Riley easily manipulated everybody into thinking Lucas was perfect because she didn't want anybody to know. She couldn't pick up on anything if Riley wasn't showing what she was truly feeling. Plus, Riley hasn't really been spending that much time with her because she's dealing with so much.
Enjoy!
Chapter 22
Lose You to Love Me
ooo
May 6th, 2016
Twelve-year-old Missy Bradford ate breakfast with her family. Her mother, Christina, sat at the head of the table while her father, Dylan, sat opposite of her. They ate their scrambled eggs with bacon peacefully as the little brunette smiled and laughed at her father's playful gestures. He'd often flick tiny pieces of food at her whenever her mother wasn't looking to make her smile, they did this often that it became their little tradition.
So when Christina looked away, Missy flicked a grape at her father and laughed.
"Dylan, honey, before you leave for work don't forget that your lunch is in the kitchen and the light bill is due by the end of the day."
"Got it," he flashed a beaming smile at his wife before turning his attention to his daughter. "I have good news, I can take you to school today."
"Really?" young Missy cheered in excitement, "You can?"
"I can."
This was rare. Dylan hadn't taken his daughter to school since the fourth grade due to his work and it had really bothered Missy. She loved spending time with her dad and being near her dad. The only thing in the way of their time together was his job and it saddened her.
"That's not a good idea, Dylan," her mother disagreed. "You can't be late to work."
"But I want to drive her to school. I never have time and I do now."
Christina set her fork down and glared at her husband, "Then you should take this time to pay the bill."
He dropped his posture, "Nina come on, I'll do that when I come back from work."
"If you make it in time," she snarled.
They stared at each other for a few seconds, Missy wondering what was going on with their silent exchange. After a few seconds of what seemed like contemplation, Dylan spoke, "Sorry, Missy. Guess today's not the day."
She frowned, she was used to this. "It's okay, dad. Can we still watch re-runs of Friends tonight?"
"Of course we can," he sat up from his chair and stared at the both of them, "I have to get going." He kissed his wife on the lips before kissing his daughter's cheek and heading out the door. "I'll be home around six."
By the time he had left, Christina and Missy were left together in awkward silence. Her mother turned to her direction and just as she was about to take another bite of her bacon, she pulled the plate away from her. "You've had enough."
"But mom, I haven't even ate the - "
"I said you've had enough," she deadpanned. "You don't need the extra weight, you've already gained too much."
She nodded, watching her mom remove the plate from in front of her. She had ate less than yesterday's breakfast and she was still hungry, she almost failed to make it through the day before and she wasn't sure she'd be as lucky today.
She wasn't sure how long this would continue, but she knew it wasn't right. She was too scared to say anything, her mother wanted her to be the best at everything and so did she, and she wouldn't be able to be the center of attention if she refused her mother's advice.
So if she had to starve to be pretty like her mom had said, then that's what she'd do.
"Now go get ready for school. We leave in five minutes."
"Yes, mom."
ooo
Looking for a way to get away from Lucas, Riley hid in the girls bathroom. She didn't want to talk to him and she was in a desparate need for an escape. When she stepped inside and contemplated her predicament with Lucas, she heard muffled crying coming the stalls.
The crying sounded familiar and she was sure she had heard it before. "Hello? Is someone in there?"
The crying stopped.
She was going to leave it alone and forget about what she'd heard until she was reminded of her morals. Riley cared about people, even if she didn't know them. She was determined to help who ever it was that was crying for two reasons. One: it'd make her feel better and two: it gave her time away from Lucas. She walked towards the stall she assumed the crying was coming from. "Are-are you okay?"
The toilet flushed and out walked her arch-nemesis: Missy Bradford with the same evil look in her eyes. "What bitch?"
She sighed at the jab, "I thought-I thought I heard you cry -"
"You thought wrong," she stared at herself in the mirror before washing her hands, hardly making eye contact with her. "By the way your hair's dry, your shirt is ugly and your makeup makes you look ten times heavier."
She rolled her eyes once the insults started rolling in. "I'm not in the mood, okay? I heard you crying and I wanted to know if you were okay."
"That's not your responsibility."
She nodded almost annoyed. "Guess not." When she turned to walk out the bathroom, there was so much on the tip of her tongue that she wanted to say. There was something about her argument with Lucas, minutes ago, that made her want to say something. She turned around to look the brunette in front of her, "You know what I tried," she said giving up. "There's a reason you cry in here alone after all. Just don't say I was never there for you when I tried to be."
By the time Missy said something, her hand had reached the knob. Missy's words were faint, but she uttered something along the lines of, "I've been purging again."
She stopped in her tracks and turned to her, "You've been what?"
"I've been purging," she cried, she went to wipe the tears from her eyes but they kept producing.
"P-p-purging?" she asked once more, "What does - ? Like throwing up?"
She nodded. "Yes."
Riley had never seen Missy like this. She'd never seen her so vulnerable and broken before and that's how she knew the brunette was telling the truth. "Oh my God, are you okay? Missy we can talk about this, this is serious -"
"No, we're not talking about this," she interrupted, hardly believing she even cared. "You're the last person I would ever talk to about this now leave me alone. I told you because...I don't know. Now leave."
"You can't just tell me this and expect me to forget."
"Well, you're gonna have to, okay? And please don't tell anybody. I'll actually hurt you."
Although it sounded like a threat, her words were more of a plea. "Yeah, I wasn't planning to. I just want to talk to you."
"And I said no," she yelled, "You'll never know what it's like. You'll never understand what I'm going through because you have nothing to complain about. You've had this perfect life since you were a kid, you've been given everything you ever wanted. You'll never understand what I'm going through so why do you care?"
"I just do. And you're right, I might not understand, but...talking about it always helps. It does, trust me. I know you don't like me, I get that, I've seen it happen literally every day, but don't let that be the reason you refuse my help."
Missy wiped the tears from her cheeks and slid down against the wall, breaking into an uncontrollable sob. Riley quickly looked the bathroom door and sat beside her, comforting someone she never thought she'd ever have to comfort.
By the time Missy had calmed herself down and drank from her water, she had regained the breaths she had lost while crying. "You're the first person that has ever cared to ask me what's wrong. Thank you."
Riley touched her chest, there was something about the comment that saddened her. "Do you want to talk about it?"
She turned to see that the door had been locked. Even though the gesture was small it proved to Missy that Riley truly did care about her story and that she looked it because she didn't want anyone walking in and seeing her lie this. She gulped and took another deep breath, preparing to confess something she had never done before. "I suffer from bulimia."
Riley's hand moved to her mouth, completely shocked by Missy's statement.
"I have been since I was twelve."
"Missy, I'm so sorry. I had no clue."
"It's not your fault," she sighed, "It's not my fault either, I know that now."
Riley stared at her and forgot what to say. What could she say to someone suffering from something that threatening? What could she say to someone with a disorder so psychologically twisted? She couldn't wish them the best and kick them to the curb, that wouldn't do anything good. She couldn't express how sorry she was and then forgot about it, she needed to do something.
In that moment, Riley realized she needed to understand Missy's upbringing and how the disorder originated before she could truly help her. "Can I ask how i started?"
Missy thought back. There was only one thing that contributed to every factor and every downfall in her stressful life and she'd never forget it. "My mom..."
May 9, 2016
On the fateful day malnourished Missy was left home alone, she discretely walked into her pantry and ripped open a candy bag. Her mother, Christina, hadn't fed her enough for three days and the hunger was killing her. She needed to eat.
Taking giant bites, she felt the sugar dissolve on her tongue and it felt like literal heaven in her mouth.
Before she knew it, she had finished the bag and went back for another.
And another.
And another.
She thought she was gonna have enough time to clean everything up and blame the missing food on her dog, but her mother had walked in at an unexpected time.
She stood by the front door, gazing miserably at the traces of food binge in her living room and yelled at her. She forced her to clean everything up and when Missy yelled at her mother and told her she was hungry, Christina called her daughter fat for the first time.
Ten minutes later, in the comfort of her own bathroom, twelve year old Missy Bradford stuck her fingers down her throat. At first she only gagged and her eyes watered, but on the second time she felt the contents of her stomach begin to rise. And before she knew it, she was grabbing onto the toilet throwing up almost uncontrollably.
Her mother's words were coming back like boomerangs and she couldn't help it. She had to keep forcing herself to throw up.
And then it was quiet.
She laid down on the bathroom floor. The burning in her throat was one of the most uncomfortable feelings she had ever experienced yet it brought a slight bit of relief. She had done it. She had gotten rid of the calories and the junk in her system.
Ever so slowly, she stood up using the wall for balance. She flushed the toilet and washed her hands. Unlocking the door, she walked out of her room and into the study.
Ready to do her homework like nothing happened before.
She didn't expect for this to set forward a chain reaction. It had been the first time she forced herself to throw up and this behavior followed her for five more years.
Until it had finally overwhelmed her.
ooo
As part of their end of the year Robotics club field trip, Isadora, Farkle, and thirteen other students spent the entire school day at their town's amusement park. It was their way of celebrating all the little robots they created and their competitions since the start of the year.
Isadora and Farkle went on every rollercoaster, every attraction, and had the time of their lives. And if Isadora was completely honest, she was grateful for the bonding opportunities she and Farkle had. They did everything together. At first, things were awkward between them, but just like every relationship, the more you speak to them the more and more comfortable you become.
And it was much easier for her to feel comfortable with him given their history. She dated him for a year and was in love with him before. He was still the same Farkle and she was still the same Isadora which was something she was happy to admit.
By the time the moon rose and the night sky settled in, Farkle and Isadora sat together on the bus ride home. She sat the teddy bear he had won for her on her lap as she casually stole handfuls of popcorn from his tub.
But it wasn't until they stared into each other's eyes when things started getting serious. They hadn't realized that spending the entire day together and having fun would awaken old feelings they hadn't felt in a while. He leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled back. "What are you doing?"
His brows furrowed, "I thought-it's just we were having such a good time. I just assumed this was okay."
"Well, yeah, we were, but...what about Cara? She's your girlfriend and -"
"Hang on," he interrupted. "You haven't heard?"
"No," she said unsure, "Heard what?"
"Cara and I broke up."
"You did?" she was shocked to hear that. Whenever she looked at them and they were together they seemed to be having the best time ever. She never expected them to break up.
The genius nodded. "Yeah, we did."
"I didn't know about this. When did it happen?"
"A few months ago, actually."
"Farkle, I'm sorry, I had no idea. How?"
"I just...I had feelings for another girl."
He said this in a way that let her know she was the other girl. Immediately, she began to feel her cheeks turn pink especially at the chance that he could be talking to her. "I guess that would explain why she's found, other friends."
"Guess it does. We still keep in touch, we ended things on good terms, but we're just friends."
"Then I guess we can do this," she placed both her hands on his cheeks and pulled him in closer. The second their lips touched Isadora was reminded of all the fun times they had together. She spent a year of her life with him and it was easily one of the best years of her life.
When the kiss was over and the ride continued, Farkle laced his hand with hers. And for a moment everything was perfect.
Until suddenly it wasn't.
Isadora rested her head on the cool window, watching the trees pass them by as they made their way home. She was so concentrated and so focused on something she had just started thinking about and it instantly made her nervous.
Judging by her sweaty palms, Farkle knew something was wrong with her. "What are you thinking about?"
"Nothing," she shook her head, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. But when their eyes met, Farkle raised a brow that indicated he didn't believe her.
"C'mon, Isadora. You can't lie to me. You're worried about something, I can tell."
She turned on her seat so that her body was facing his, "I'm scared."
"Scared?" he asked. What could she possibly be scared about? He thought.
"What if my parents find out about us? I can't go another year doing what they made me do the last time we got caught. I just can't. And what if things aren't the same between us?"
"Can I be honest with you?" he spoke gently and calmly, he knew this was something she'd respond well too. Isadora was a prime example of someone who fed on someone else's energy. If her friends were having fun, she was having fun, if she was panicking and somebody was panicking with her, she'd panic even more. This is why Farkle decided he wasn't gonna panic with her. Instead, he'd calmly give his input.
"Please."
"Things aren't gonna be the same between us," he revealed. "But people change for the better, don't you think?"
"I really hope so," she whispered.
"And I don't know your parents, I don't know how they'll react, but I'm okay with keeping us a secret from them again. We've done it before and this time I won't try to test our luck. No more wanting a few extra minutes at your place. We'll be twice as careful as long as we're together. That's all I want. Do you?"
She let herself smile and linked her arm with his. Slowly, she sunk down on her seat and rested her head on his shoulder. "Can we promise each other something?"
"What is it?"
"When this all works out and we're adults, and make a steady living and we're married," she began, catching his smile from the corner of her eyes, "Promise me we'll never be this hard on our children."
"I promise," he assured.
Isadora was raised to be the perfect Christian, her parents were unnecessarily difficult on her and in return, she grew to resent the religion. She knew and respected its principals but she wasn't sure she could ever relive those practices and enforce them on her children, she would never allow it. And she was grateful for the guy she was in love with was on board. "Good," she sighed absentmindedly.
She didn't know what their relationship would entail this time around, but she knew things were going to change. She knew what she wanted and she was glad Farkle knew too, and if the change in their relationship supported that, then she was going to be okay with it.
ooo
Lucas angrily stormed into Topanga's and searched the cafe for a certain brunette. Ever since she kicked him out of her room, Riley was another silent treatment spree. She wasn't talking to him or answering any of his calls or text messages. He took it upon himself to go to her room and talk things out, but she had locked her bay window which was a clear indication she did not want to see him.
She had been avoiding him completely and he just about had it.
He had reached his maximum level of patience and was mad at Riley for refusing to talk to him. He had searched everywhere, her room, her usual hangouts, and their spot at central park - a place she had frequently visited - to no avail.
His last resort: Topanga's. And by the time he got there, his patience had run out. He walked towards the older blonde he had often seen talking to Riley, Lucas figured she worked there considering the way she was dressed and how much time she spent in the cafe.
He reached the counter just as she had finished wiping it clean. "Excuse me, have you seen Riley?"
She shook her head no, "I'm afraid I haven't, I'm really sorry. She doesn't come on Tuesday's but have you tried her cell?"
"Fuck," he angrily cursed, alarming the blonde. She wasn't expecting him to raise his voice so abruptly.
Topanga's was the last place Lucas expected Riley to be and now that she wasn't, he had no clue. He was angry Riley was doing this to him, one of his biggest pet peeves was Riley avoiding him. It pissed him off to the greatest extent. Before walking out, Lucas slammed the door shut, causing the majority of the people inside the cafe to turn.
ooo
August 15, 2018
First day of freshman year...
Missy Bradford woke up in the early morning not because of her alarm clock on her night stand, but because of her stomach demanding food. Slowly, she rose from the comfort of her bed to get ready for school. But, like every other day, she did not get more than five steps when a wave of dizziness struck her. She felt her world spin for a few seconds before she eased herself down and waited until it passed.
When she was sure she wouldn't collapse, she sauntered towards her bathroom. The first thing she did was step on her scale, more out of habit than anything else. She waited a few seconds before her weight flashed on the display screen.
101 lbs.
She stepped off the scale and sighed in frustration. She had lost less than half a pound in a day and she had already started the day off on the wrong foot.
She slid her pajamas off and took a quick shower. Like always, she made sure the water was icy cold. The cold water helped her lose weight.
By the time she was done, her body was shivering. Her hair was pulled back and her skin was pale, almost ghost-like. The bags under her eyes were just as stubborn as before and she would need to cover them up with extra makeup like always.
She stared into her reflection and ran her fingers across her chest, feeling her ribcage. Her fingers went down to her hips and a tear fell down her cheek, she could feel the bones but she needed to see them. Otherwise she felt like she wasn't making any progress.
She carefully made her way towards her closet and got dressed for school. She settled for a while top with boyfriend jeans and white Vans, anything to make her look normal yet confident, but most importantly: pretty.
When she made it to school, the first thing she did was stare at the other girls in the open hallways. They all seemed comfortable and happy with themselves and she could never understand how. She spent all her life hating the way she looked and she wanted nothing more than to not care, but she did. Deeply.
As usual, her eyes shifted to a certain brunette.
She was standing with her friends by their lockers and smiling. She was dressed in a nice outfit coupled with a gold bracelet that Missy adored. She always wanted one from the start, but her mother wouldn't let her have it unless she was satisfied with her weight loss.
Just then she saw Lucas walked passed her, he hardly acknowledged her and she felt her heart sting. There was a rumor that he and Riley had an unofficial thing going on, but she doubted it. She had never seen them together which gave her hope, Lucas was the only thing Riley didn't have that she wanted.
But the moment she and Lucas started dating, Missy began to displayed her envy through bullying her. Anything to bring Riley Matthews down.
"When it started to become a habit I found ways to hide it from my parents...well, my dad," she stated, "You'd be surprised by how well of an actress I can be."
"So they don't know?"
She shook her head, "I don't want him to. Can you imagine his reaction? He'd freak out. He'd seek professional help, they'd send me to rehab or some in-patient care. And that'll only complicate things for him."
"But wouldn't you - I don't know - consider it? Get help?"
Missy tilted her hair at the suggestion, but then shook her head no. "Not yet."
"Missy, I really think you should. I mean this isn't right. You're not okay, you're not -"
"Let me stop you right there," she said raising a finger, "You don't live my life, okay? You don't know one a single thing about what I've been through, my life isn't as great as yours. I don't wake up to sunshine and rainbows and princesses, I wake up to the wicked witch of the west and little grimlins, okay? All my life I've been insecure and it was characterized by a terrible woman who did not deserve to be a mother. So I binge and I purge to replace what I truly feel. But the more I've done it, the more it's become a normal thing for me. In fact it's gotten worse. I stop for a while and convice myself to never do it again, but then I do...because it makes me feel euphoric and it's...addicting."
"Missy..."
"I don't need your sympathy, okay?"
"But you need help - "
"I'm okay."
She shook her head. Riley couldn't understand why or how she went through such a detrimanding cycle, she couldn't understand why she hid it so well if it was causing her so much pain. Riley never suspecting Missy to be dealing with somehting so tragic, she never bothered to care because of all the bullying, but now she knew there was a reason behind it. "Why?"
"Why what?" she questioned.
"Why don't you want help?"
"Because nobody will like me," she confessed, a pool of tears gathering in her eyes. "Nobody will like me. Not even my own mother."
October 23, 2017
Missy was done binging by the time she found herself in the bathroom. She shoved her fingers down her throat and vomited. Again and again.
When she finished, she flushed the contents and walked towards the mirror by the sink. There was something haunting about her reflection, her pale face and dark eyebags had been a direct result of her habit and she was sure of it.
She hated the way she looked without makeup, she hated the way she had to force herself to throw up to lose weight and she hated every single thing about herself.
This time, when she stared at herself, she was surprised to see someone else's reflection standing behind her. And when she turned around, she was shocked to see her mother, standing there, frozen.
Missy hadn't realized that she had left the bathroom door slightly ajar, so when her mother heard the retching, she pushed the door open and saw what her daughter had done.
"Mom?" her voice fell flat.
Christina gulped. She didn't know what to say or do, she just stared at her daughter. She turned to leave the bathroom, hoping to give herself time to recover from what she saw, but she stopped in her tracks once she had something to say. "Clean it up when you're done. And brush your teeth so your breath doesn't smell."
Her mom gave her a final look before closing the door, leaving Missy was stunned for a moment. Soon enough when she had processed what happened, all she could bring herself to do was cry. She felt exposed and vulnerable and she wished it never happened.
But she couldn't tell what was worse. The fact that her mother knew, or that she knew and didn't do anything to help her.
"That's terrible, I'm so sorry."
"I'm not. My mom's a bitch, all right? She's had all my life to prove that. The only thing I'm sorry for is that her bullimic daughter looks healthier than her," she insulted. "I hate her."
Feeling it was appropriate to do so, Riley scooted closer towards her. She didn't feel as though they could have an intimate conversation if she was sitting five feet away from her.
"Did you know bulimia messes with a woman's menstrual cycle?" she asked and Riley shook her head no, "Yeah, they can develop a whole bunch of shit like Hypothalamic amenorrhea, their teeth can get all messed up from the acid when they throw up, ummm...there's this thing called lanugo and it's bascially your body's way of keeping you warm when you're extremely skinny. Your skin produces soft hair all over your body and it's really gross. When your body runs out of fat to burn it starts going after organ tissue. Even the bones. Pretty gnarly, right?"
"Stop..."
"Stop what?"
"Using the world gnarly, you're trying to make me laugh."
Missy faintly smiled, "Pretty shocking, isn't it? I think that's the nicest thing I've ever done for you...try to make you laugh."
Riley turned to her, "You just give me a list of reasons why bulimia is a bad thing yet you still do it."
"That's the thing about eating disorders... you know what it does to your body you just don't really care. It's almost like an addiction, you know the drugs and alcohol you're putting in your system can kill you, but you don't care because you're...well...addicted. It becomes normal, like you're used to it."
"Do you ever want to get better? Do you want to not do this someday?"
She shrugged, "I don't know. It's sort of what I do. You know...? Some girls play sports, some try out for the cheerleading team, some are good at school, I just throw up when I've ate too much."
"Look, I know we don't really get along...at all, but I care about you. This is serious, okay? And I'm here if you ever want to talk to me about it."
"Well, we're talking now..." Missy continued. Even though she normally couldn't stand the sight of the brunette and she hated her with a burning passion, she appreciated the fact that Riley had expressed in interest in her story. She had been the first. "Shocking, isn't it?"
"Hey, do you want to talk about this at my house? In my room to be specific?"
"Riley Matthews you're asking me to ditch school, you know that, right?"
She snodded, "Yeah, well, I've kind of been on a roll of breaking the rules lately."
Missy looked at her, on any other given day she would've taken the opportunity to bully her, but the brunette had expressed a great deal of concern for her. More than she had ever received in an entire lifetime. "Okay," she nodded, "Sure."
Yesterday...
Missy heaved into the toilet, her middle and index finger pressing passed her uviola while her left gripped the side of the toilet. Once she had regained her breath, she forced her fingers down her throat and vomited again.
And again.
She knelt back over the toilet, her fingers deep in her throat. Again and again, it slid down her throat, and again and again she vomited.
Once she was done, she backed away and stood up, her ankles shaking. She glanced in the mirror, looking for any change, anything that could make her feel better about herself, but nothing did.
She still looked and felt the same.
She lifted up her shirt to reveal the pale skin of her stomach. The more and more she looked at it, the more and more she felt like nothing had changed. She hated the way her lower stomach formed a pouch.
"I hate myself," she whispered, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
She wished for the day that she was skinny, the day she could look at herself in the mirror and love herself. She wanted nothing more than to be skinny and pretty, but no matter how hard she tried, she was unsuccessful everytime.
"Someday," she promised herself, "Someday."
"So this is your room, huh?" Missy asked as she observed her surroundings. "Nice vanity."
"Thank you," Riley said as she took a seat on her bay window. When she noticed the brunette hadn't joined her, she patted for her to sit. "You coming?"
"Yeah."
When she sat on her window, she couldn't help but feel like this had been a sacred place to Riley. She wondered if Lucas, Maya, Isadora, or even Farkle had serious conversations with Riley where she was sitting. "So is this your...place?"
She nodded, "Yeah. It kind of is."
"It's nice."
There were a few seconds of silence and all Riley could think about was a recovery plan for Missy. Sure, she didn't have that much knowledge of her battle with bulimia, but she knew there was a way to overcome it. She knew it was possible and she wanted Missy to make sure of it. And by doing that she needed to be open about it; even to the people, she had kept it from the most. "...look I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I really think you should tell your parents. At least your dad, I mean. There are ways to beat this Missy and I know you can if you try - "
"You don't get it."
"Maybe not, but I know that this isn't right. Missy - "
"Do you know what the first compliment my mom ever gave was when I started losing weight?" she asked, turning to her. "She said I looked good enough to try out for all the beauty pageants again. Yeah, that's all I've ever been to her. She lives her failed dreams of being a performer through me and when I started gaining all the weight, she got angry because she couldn't flaunt her mini-me. She was embarrassed that her twelve-year-old daughter started looking heavy. I know, right? How fucking disappointing of her," she sat crisscrossed on her window now and folded her arms, "She knew my dad would never approve of my eating habits if he found out so she'd send him off to work early and when he was gone she'd take my plate away so I wouldn't finish it. She'd do that with every meal so I would try to finish it before she got the chance, but I never could. She'd intentionally add too much salt to my food so it wouldn't taste as good. She would judge me, humiliate me, bully me, and neglect me. There were days she didn't even make me anything to eat so I'd break into the pantry - which she kept locked by the way - and I'd eat so much that I could fall asleep. And then I'd look at myself, and I'd stare at my stomach and I would feel so bad about what I've done that I'd throw up. I'd throw up for hours. Maybe ten to fifteen times a night? I wouldn't go to sleep until I was completely exhausted. I wouldn't sleep until my eyes felt heavy from all the retching."
"And your dad never noticed?"
"Nope," she said popping the 'p.' "He can't stand my mom anymore because all they do is argue so he goes and cheats on her with Mrs. Duncan - his secretary. He says he's working late, but I don't buy it. He still thinks I haven't noticed, but I read their text messages once - it was disgusting. And you would think that you'd hate your dad after cheating on your mother, but in this case, I was happy. I was happy he was finding happiness in someone else other than her. Unfortunately, he won't divorce her because he thinks it'd break my heart, but I don't want to tell him that it wouldn't because that would mean telling him I'm bulimic. And I don't know if I'm ready to do that."
"Put yourself in his shoes, don't you think he'd want to know what you're going through?"
"He would," she confirmed. "Of course we would. But he doesn't know and I have no interest in telling him."
"I know recovery isn't an easy process, but with the right kind of support, I'm sure you can do it. You can go back to being someone who is much more than their disorder, you can - "
"Like I said before, you don't understand. You think everything works out in the end. You think this entire process is gonna have its happy ending and I'm gonna be happy and healthy again and marry this handsome prince who'll love me for me, but that's not true, Riley. This is reality, this is a world where teenage girls suffer from eating disorders and cry themselves to sleep. You've had a perfect life ever since you've been born, you don't realize that other people aren't born into a perfect family with perfect parents in a perfect house. If I tell my dad about this he'll send me away, he'll ruin my mom's life, possibly get her arrested, he'll never see me the same and one of the Chanel's would tell the entire school about it. I'll be the laughing stock and everything I've done would be for nothing."
"But you'd be healthy...and safe...and alive," Riley informed. "And who says any of that would happen? So much could change for the better if you tell your dad, you just don't know it yet."
"Maybe I don't," she revealed, "But I know damn well, it's not worth a try."
Riley sat back on her window and stared at her. She wanted to talk her into doing what was right, but it was at that moment that something clicked. The only way she could truly work her way into getting her to do what was right was by becoming her friend. A good friend, a friend she trusted. Only then could it work out. "Okay, okay, your secret's safe with me. But this means we're friends now - "
"What are you talking about - ?"
"I'm talking about how I know your biggest secrets and to make sure you don't do anything out of hand we're gonna hang out all day and every day."
"And what makes you think I suddenly like you?"
"You're just gonna have to deal with it," she deadpanned. Even though were words sounded harsh and firm she said them with the right intentions, she wanted what was best for Missy. "Because I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm actually gonna barf..."
"At least you're not forcing yourself," she suggested.
Missy immediately turned in her direction. She couldn't believe Riley had said such a thing and it caught her off guard.
Taking notice, she raised her arms in surrender, "Missy, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it like that - "
The longer she gazed at her the harder she laughed when she tension settled, and she actually laughed. It wasn't a chuckle or a smirk it was an actual sincere laugh. "No, I'm not mad, it's not that it's just...it was funny. I'm sorry."
"See...we'd be great friends, friends make each other laugh all the time, and this time I wasn't even trying to make you laugh."
After a few seconds, her lips had thinned and the room got quiet. "Look I appreciate the offer, but I kind of hate you. No offense."
"None taken, you've proven that to me all your life."
"Yeah, but do you know why I hate you?"
Riley thought back to Halloween night, the night of one of Lucas' friend's party, and how she spoke with Victoria. Victoria had revealed the entire truth to her and told her that Missy's hatred towards her was characterized by her jealousy and insecurity, had Victoria not made out with Lucas that night, she would've been grateful for that conversation. "I do, at least some of it."
"Was it that bitch Victoria?"
Riley nodded. "Yeah, it was."
"Ugh," she sighed.
"I know, right?" she agreed, "She's so fucking annoying."
"Try being friends with her for three years, she's such a hoe. Fucking leech. But," she breathed, "But if I'm being honest with you, it goes all the way back to eighth grade. We were both performing for some stupid talent show and you performed the same song as me and won...and I guess I never got over it because you beat me at everything afterward. Since then I started to realize you were better than me...at everything. Did you know my mom starved me that night? She was so upset I lost and that I changed the routine and she gave me so much shit for it that's why I hated you."
"Missy, I didn't mean anything by it I had no idea I'm sorry."
She smiled, "You know it's funny...I always wanted to hear you say that, but now that you have... I realized that you don't need to feel sorry. It's not your fault it never was. It's hers. It's always been her fault."
"She's your mom, she'll come around."
Missy scoffed, "Yeah, let's fucking hope."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Ask me what?" Riley inquired.
"Why didn't you break up with him when I sent you the audio recording?"
Riley didn't expect Missy's question to send her on a trip down memory lane. She was starting to feel like she had made the first gesture towards staring a friendship, but it had been Missy all along - even if a friendship wasn't her intention. She told her something incredibly important in her relationship with Lucas and she hadn't given it a second thought in a while. "Can I be honest with you? I didn't want to believe it at the time and I was so in love with him I just wanted to forget about it. And I thought you wanted me to break up with him so you can be with him."
"That's crazy," she commented. "I didn't want him."
"But you liked him."
"I did," she confirmed, "I'm not gonna lie to you, I did have a crush on him. Ever since I was little, but that kind of changed when I realized what he's done."
"What has he done?" she asked. This was the third time somebody brought up his actions without telling her what he did exactly.
"You didn't know?"
She shook her head, "Know what?"
Missy licked her lips, "He's done a lot of sketchy things in the past that you probably don't know of. One that really stands out to me happened freshman year. It was that time when football coaches elected their captains and Lucas had wanted the position since he started. He was convinced he was gonna get it since he'd been chosen to play for the varsity team his freshman year, that's big. You don't really see a lot of freshmen playing with upperclassmen and since Lucas was the only one he felt he was gonna get the position. He didn't end up getting it. The coaches decided Michael Duncan was a better fit, Lucas was a close second. It makes sense though, Lucas was a freshman at the time and Michael was a senior, there's a reason Lucas didn't get the position. But he hated losing so much that one day during a scrimmage, Lucas accidentally broke Michael's leg. They were practicing, he misunderstood the play and tackled him at the wrong time. As a result, he was moved up to captain and somebody else became co-captain and you would think everything is okay, but then you find out that Lucas broke Michael's leg on purpose and claimed it was an accident. Word got out among their group of friends and nobody did anything about it because they know how Lucas is like. And I'm not talking about his stubbornness or his desire to be the best, but his anger. You mess with him or you do something to piss him off once and he hates you for the rest of his life. And when Lucas is mad, well, he doesn't think rationally."
"You're right, he doesn't."
Riley's comment sparked a sudden interest, "You know?"
"Of course I know. I've been his girlfriend for over a year."
"Well, what do you know?" she queried.
"We're not doing too great right now," she disclosed. She couldn't believe she was telling Missy Bradford something personal about her relationship, "Lucas was jealous of my friendship with Zay, in fact, he was so jealous that he told Zay to stay away from me. He told him this a few months ago and Zay didn't listen to him. We actually became really close friends, but... up until recently he stopped talking to me."
"Who? Zay?"
Riley nodded, "Zay and I used to hang out at night and talk all the time. It was our thing," she reminisced, "One day he picked me up and his face were all bruised, I asked him about it and he told me it was a dirt bike accident so I didn't question it. Later on, we ended up getting in an argument and the police showed up. The officer wasn't so nice on Zay because he had painted him to be this target and if I'm entirely honest I think he was a racist asshole who doesn't deserve to have a badge. The point is, he arrested Zay and my mom had to bail him out. This all ties back to Lucas because he was the reason Zay had all those bruises on his face. He punched him because he found out Zay and I had been friends this whole time. When I found out I told him to leave and I haven't really been talking to him since."
"And nobody knows about this?"
"Nope, not a single person," she confirmed. "Except for Lucas and Zay."
"Wow, that's crazy. You know people think you guys are a perfect couple... well some of us," she reiterated, "People know you guys argue a lot."
Riley didn't know people knew about their relationship in that way, she thought they did a good job at hiding it but she was wrong. People must've heard their arguments and seen her walk away from him many times. "And let me guess they think I'm the reason?"
"Only the dumb ones." She went to stand up and look at Riley, "Look I should get going, but thank you for the...umm...talk. I know I've been a bitch to you for a long time and you could've made fun of me for this, but you didn't. You listened and you cared so...thank you. Friend."
Riley smiled from ear to ear, "Friend? I like that. Thank you."
"Don't get used to it."
ooo
Riley stepped out of the shower a few hours later in her pajamas and laid on her bed. She was still processing her conversation with Missy and what she had learned about her. It saddened her to know what she was truly going through, but she was glad they were now friends. It made her feel happy and hopeful that she could help her with her condition.
Thinking about everything, the moment she had dreaded began. It was time she turned on her phone.
On days when she and Lucas argued, the first thing Riley did was turn off her phone. Lucas had a habit of texting and calling her excessively wanting to know where she was and who she was with. He didn't know when to stop and it always annoyed her.
So when she turned on her phone, she expected the 50+ text messages. She considered responding to him, letting her know she was home and all, but she stopped herself.
She felt she like she could extend his silent treatment for a while longer.
As she set her phone down on the nightstand and eased herself into the covers, she heard a light knock on her door. Her mom, Topanga, peaked her head through and greeted her with a smile. "Hi, sweetie."
"Hi, mom."
"Getting ready to sleep?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty tired."
She nodded and stepped inside her room. "You know your dad's still upset you ditched school today."
She sat upright on her bed and leaned against her pillow. She hadn't told them why she did it and she had no intention in doing so. "I know, he hasn't talked to me today."
"Why'd you do it? Ditch?"
I was helping a friend who suffers from bulimia, she thought. "I...didn't really feel like going."
"Can I ask why?" she spoke nicely and calmy.
Topanga's understanding of her daughter was unlike anything. She knew her daughter better than she knew the law which said a lot since she was one of the greatest lawyers at her firm. If she was acting this irrational and carefree there must've been a reason.
She shrugged, "It doesn't matter mom you're already disappointed in me."
"What? No. Of course not," she reached for Riley's hand, "You can never disappoint me, sweetie. You've been a perfect kid all your life it's okay to make these mistakes. Tell you what?" she sat closer to her daughter, "When you were three years old, you loved to draw. Your dad and I bought you crayons and markers for you to draw anything you wanted and you loved it. And when I say you loved it, I mean you were using them twenty-four hours of the day. One day, when I was painting Auggie's nursery, you decided to steal one of my brushes and paint your room. You loved the color yellow so you painted all of your pink sheets to yellow, the walls were painted yellow, and so was the carpet. When I noticed you hadn't made any noise for a while I went to go check up on you, you wouldn't imagine the look on my face. Everything was so messy and yellow it looked awful..."
Riley laughed.
"'Riley, what did you do?' I asked and all you did was shrug with the paintbrush in your hand. You told me you didn't do it, but it was obvious you did. I mean the brush was in your hand, your clothes were painted yellow and it was just the two of us at home. The moral of the story is...you're allowed to make mistakes. It's okay. You're learning. You're growing, but telling us about them and telling us what's going on in your life is just as important as well, you know that, right?"
She nodded, hesitantly. So much was going on with her life right now, her life was crazy and messy and it had been ever since she started dating Lucas.
"You would tell us, right?"
A temptation unlike anything began to take a hold of her. Now at this very moment that her mother was talking to her, she felt the need to confess everything about her relationship. She wanted to tell her all of it and be comforted by her mother - something she hadn't felt in the longest time. "I would."
Topanga waited for a few seconds, wondering if her daughter would reveal something she didn't know. "So...is there anything you want to tell us? Me?"
Yes, she thought. "No."
"I just assumed..." she spoke, but her voice fell flat. "And you're okay...?"
"I'm fine." By this point in time, she'd been saying the words for so long that they didn't even sound like words anymore. She'd repeated it like a mantra, all day, every day for the past month and a half. She couldn't even remember a time where she felt genuinely happy, she had created this habit to keep her sanity and armor intact. No one around her could know what she was going through, they'd be quick to try and solve and fix everything and that would only make things difficult and humiliating. She just wished for the meantime saying those words would affect her, she could use them to convince the world, she couldn't use them to convince herself. "What's with all the questions?"
"Riley, is anything going on with you and Lucas that we don't know about? Something that would...I don't know...make you do all these things."
She shook her head almost immediately. There was something about Topanga asking the right question that suddenly made Riley want to deny everything. She realized at that moment that she wanted the troubles of her relationship with Lucas to be a secret - for at least a while longer. "No, mom. Lucas, and I doing fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I am. I wouldn't lie to you."
Topanga sighed, "Then why did Katy tell me that Lucas came into the cafe today asking about you? She says that he was upset and impatient and that he slammed the door on his way out."
Riley shrugged, trying to deny everything, but her mom didn't believe it. She was a lawyer, she knew when people were lying and their stories weren't adding up.
"Uh...I don't know. Maybe she got confused and it was someone else?"
"Someone else? Asking about you?"
"There could be thousands of Riley's in New York, I'm not the only one."
"Katy said that the boy looked like the guy you were with at Maya's art show," she added. "That's Lucas."
She noticed her daughter was looking for ways to make her think otherwise and it only proved to her that something was wrong. Something was going on between them and whatever it was had to explain Riley's recent behavior. She knew it. "Why was Lucas mad?"
"Mom, I don't know. That wasn't Lucas - "
"Riley..."
"She could've made a mistake..."
"Riley," she took her daughter's arm and stared into her cocoa-brown eyes. "Why was he mad?"
The concern in her mother's features broke through all the brick walls she had spent months trying to build. Her mother's soft voice and curiosity broke right through her and her eyes began to water, she couldn't resist the need to tell her everything.
"It's okay," she comforted once Riley began to cry. She brought her closer and let her cry on her shoulder. When she was done she asked once again and this time she learned more about Lucas than she thought she ever could.
She learned about the cheating, the lying, the manipulation, his anger, his controlling nature and so much more. By the time Riley had finished confessing everything, an hour had gone by and Topanga was furious. She couldn't believe her daughter had gone through all of this and kept it a secret for so long. "So the bruises on Zay's face that was all..."
"Lucas," she answered. "That's why I'm not talking to him right now."
She removed the hand on her mouth, "I saw those bruises, they were terrible."
"I know," she cried. "And I've tried talking to Zay, but he wants nothing to do with me. He's angry and I can't blame him. He's right, none of this would've happened if I just stayed away from Lucas."
"No, honey, none of this is your fault," she said. She was speaking in the kind of voice a mother used to comfort their child, "Don't blame yourself."
"You can't tell anybody." Now that the truth was out and somebody knew, she felt like it could be taken away from her at any moment. "Please, not dad. Not yet."
"Riley, he needs to know. This is unbelievable I can't even process everything you just said."
"Please, mom," when she noticed Topanga had stood up to leave her room, she pulled her hand and stopped her. "Mom, please. Please, I'm begging you."
"Riley just look at yourself. You look terrified. This isn't healthy, you should not be this scared of telling me what he's really like - "
"I'm not scared, I'm worried he'll never talk to me again. If he finds out that people know about us...it'll be over. I love him, okay? Mom, I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. He's just... he doesn't have the perfect relationship with his parents and that carried onto his relationship with me...okay? He loves me I know he does, he just does things like this sometimes, but he's not a bad person."
"Everything you told me he did makes him a bad person - "
"Not it doesn't and you can't say that because you don't know him. Not in the way I do. Mom, he's been my boyfriend for over a year... I know what he's really like. Please don't tell dad, please."
She looked at her daughter. Riley was practically begging her to keep her secret and it broke her heart into millions of pieces, she's never seen her like this. Ever. "Okay. She kneeled beside her, caressing her cheek wanting to make her feel loved and comforted. "I won't tell Cory...not yet."
"Thank you."
"On one condition..."
"What condition?" Riley was alarmed. She couldn't believe her mom was giving her an ultimatum at this moment in time. She needed to be told she was safe and that her secret was saved, instead, she got a decision she needed to make that could determine whether or not her relationship with Lucas would survive or not.
"You break up with him."
"No," she cried, "Mom, you can't do that. Please."
"I love you, Riley. And I know that this is not healthy, this...is toxic. That's what that is, it is: toxic, and it's never going to stop unless you end it. If this has been your life for over a year it's gonna be your life from now on if he's in it. Honey, you're a strong woman, you've never needed anybody to fight your battles, why would you ever let somebody treat you like this?"
She couldn't answer the question.
She's never thought about herself when she was dating Lucas, there was always something going on between them that she never had the moment to sit back and wonder if this what was she wanted. She only focused on her sadness and her anger, but never on her needs and future. "I don't know."
Topanga took a deep breath, "This back and forth behavior you have going on with Lucas will never end unless you end it. You need to know that, honey. I love you too much to let anybody hurt you this way. I wish I could tell you to work this out with him, but that clearly won't work if it's failed every time. You've gone through so much pain, so much hurt, shed so many tears...don't let that be the rest of your life, hun. Please make the right decision."
She left her room before Riley could say anything. She must've stared at the door for a few minutes before she walked back towards her bed. She felt exposed now that her mother knew and all she could do was cry. It felt like the part of herself that had been trying to keep it a secret was revealed and had faded away, leaving her heartbroken and exhausted.
She was sad she wouldn't be able to lie her way out of that one.
She thought about Lucas and their arguments.
They dated for over a year and the one thing she could truly remember was their fights. It was all they did. And she didn't know if she could go a lifetime arguing with him.
ooo
The next day a somber Riley contemplated her relationship with Lucas. The aftermath of her conversation with Topanga had carried over onto the next day and she hadn't been able to let those thoughts go.
She hadn't talked to Lucas and it broke her heart because she was contemplating a decision that could jeopardize everything she's ever loved: her relationship with him.
Her gaze went to her reflection on the mirror and she thought. Did she really want this? Could she really go through with it? Her relationship with Lucas was messy and disastrous, but it wasn't always like this: destructive.
They were once happy. She used to love him deeply, he knew it. They all knew it.
As she sat in her room, reflecting on all the things that happened, she tried to remember the exact moment everything fell apart. She searched through the labyrinth of memories in her brain but hit a dead end. She couldn't pinpoint the moment it all went wrong.
Had she really been blind to it this entire time?
As she stood from the corner of her bed, eyes swollen from all the tears she had shed, seventeen-year-old Rilley Matthews felt alone. The light from her vanity was the only source of light she allowed in her room. The curtains she had once dragged apart had been pulled together, allowing the room to be the darkest possible. Just like her mind, just like her heart.
The mirror did not reflect an image of herself. The girl with the swollen brown eyes was not her. The girl with the messy brown hair, stern expression, flat lips, and broken spirit was not her.
It couldn't be.
"I'm too young to feel this hurt," she whispered. It had been the first thing she said aloud that day. The lump in her throat did not allow her to speak like it hadn't done so when she had the energy to tell someone about her pain.
She pulled her cardigan down to her elbows and stared at the picture of herself beside the rest of her makeup set. She envied that girl, she envied her life, her happiness, her naivety. The picture beside her only brought her to tears.
It was a picture of him.
He was smiling at the camera while she planted a kiss on his cheek. The exact day it was taken felt like a lifetime ago. When the old version of herself existed when she was in her element.
"You deserve so much better," she said to herself.
Again the reflection in her mirror was a reflection of a stranger. Like the heartbreak she felt didn't allow her to recognize herself.
"And the worst part about this is... we've been here before," she cried. "We've been here so many times before. Why do we let him? Why do we keep letting him every single time?"
She ran both her hands through her hair, "When he would... when he would get drunk and angry at parties, he'd tell us we were the reason our relationship was the way it is now. He blamed us for every thing that went wrong and we sat through it knowing we didn't have to. We apologized when we shouldn't have and we were there for him even when he wasn't there for us."
"Riley, we have every right to hate him," she revealed. "We have every right to move on and to be happy, but..." she wiped the pool of tears from her eyes and sniffled. "It's so hard. It's so hard."
"Why can't we leave him whenever he gets mad? Why can't we leave him whenever he breaks things? Or when he makes us feel insecure? Why can't we leave whenever he leaves us?"
These were questions Riley felt she'd been asking herself for a lifetime now. And just like then, she learned to swallow them down and ignore them. She looked at the polaroids tucked to the edges of her mirror, there were so many of Lucas. So many. She had almost forgotten that they once used to be happy.
"I really have given you so much," she confessed to herself. "And even though I have every reason to be mad at him, I'm not. I'm just tired, tired of him, of it, of everything."
She looked at herself in the mirror, and still, the stranger stared back at her. "My name is Riley Matthews and for the past year and a half, I have lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost friends, I've lost everything I ever cared about and it's been really hard for me lately. Why...?" she paused and looked up at herself. "I fell in love with a boy. He was great and he made me feel good about myself, but then he didn't. And we fell apart. I'm still figuring it out, it's very complicated and I don't think you'll understand, or maybe you will, but it's been rough."
"All this time I've been trying to fix things, I've ignored the insults, I've walked through fire, I've helped him through everything, and it's because I know him, and I know that I know his heart. I know what he wouldn't do to hurt me..."
"Why else would he tell me he loves me?" she asked her reflection. "Because I put him first."
She hung her head and sighed. The burden she was under was too compelling, she wanted to go back to sleep. She wanted to drown in the pool of her heartbreak, in the tears she shedded the past year, and stay there. Where the sun doesn't shine, where she doesn't need to fake a smile and fix her hair.
A part of her wanted to yell at herself. To tell herself that she needed to snap out of it, she needed not to think about him, and to move on. It was something everybody in her position did and even though her brain yelled at her to do so, her heart was not in it. Her heart was simply not ready to move on.
"Why can't I let him go?" she asked herself, frustratedly. "I've done everything for him! I hate him, remember? He's hurt me."
She gave him months, a year, an opportunity to change his ways, to fix things in their broken relationship, but he hasn't. He refused to. Just when they're at their highest high in their relationship, and he's nice, romantic and protective, she's reminded of how great they can be. But then they come down from the clouds, and he's digging their grave for a tombstone that reads:
Here Lies Riley's and Lucas' Relationship
Her eyes met the mirror once more and it reflected an image of a stranger, but somehow, this time there was a little more clarity. "Huh," she said with realization. "I think I just answered my own question..."
All this time she'd been trying to find the answer. The answer to the same damn question she's struggled to acknowledge, but she has now. She knew why.
"And as heartbreaking as it sounds, and as many times as we try to deny it, we can't because it's true," she sniffled. "We don't leave him because we don't love ourselves first..."
"I don't love myself first."
She felt defeated and numb and empty. Through the mirror she was able to see that the clock beside her bed read 3:19 am. And there was school the next day. All the thinking she had done had overwhelmed her. She walked back to her bed and slid herself inside the covers where she felt protected. Safe.
Her phone beside her chimed and she reached for it.
The message read:
Lucas: i miss you
Sent two minutes ago.
Riley felt her eyes water and her heart awaken. It had pieced itself back together, beating once again. For him.
i miss you too, she had replied.
oOoOoOoOo
A/N: Please, please, please, seek help if you are struggling with an eating disorder. It is important to be informed about things like this, please spread the word, please be open to change, you can save a life.
I also wanted to talk about my decision in writing Missy this way. Missy is twisted and complicated, she understands what she's doing, she knows how dangerous bulimia is, yet she refuses the help. I wrote her this way because oftentimes, people with bulimia think like this. I don't know if comparing it to drug addiction is controversial, but essentially it's just like it. You become addicted to purging that it becomes a habit and a desire. They want help, often seek help, but some women do relapse and continue to binge and purge again. This is something Missy has wrapped her head around. She tells herself she'll get help, but she's not ready to do that now. That's where I wanted her to be. That was completely intentional and my decision entirely. I know a lot of you won't agree, but I wanted it that way.
Now that Topanga knows everything and Riley feels vulnerable and exposed, what do you think she'll do now? Will she go back to Lucas? Let me know in the reviews.
UPDATE: I've decided to split the last chapter into two parts. The chapter is EXTREMELY long. If I post it all, it'll be twenty thousand words long and I don't want that. So the next chapter won't be the last, it'll be the one after that. Sorry.
Also, make these upcoming reviews important. Your opportunity for me to respond to your reviews is coming to an end so ask me something you want to know. I'll answer it.
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