FOUR POV

CHAPTER SONG: Dancing on my own by Calum Scott

"I thought it was the only chance I had with her... And everything just went on so quickly." I sigh into the empty space.

I wince as Tori sponges off my back with some healing cream.

"Shhhhh... it's okay. Why was he so rough?", she whispers.

"We had a talk...about mom."

I hear Tori breathe behind me. "Don't believe him". It was more of a command rather than a statement.

Amar stops fiddling with the bottle sticker in his hand and turns his attention to me. "Is she mad at you?"

"I don't know. "

Tori finishes applying cream and moves ahead of me to grab the roll up bandages.

"Anyone would feel used if they want another chance and it is denied. Along with the repo you both have around here, it is not helping." she says.

"Tori I did not use her."

"I know... I know you would never do something like that. I am just stating the facts. " she shakes her head.

"So what do I do... Just accept her offer, you know I can't get too attached. And I am so sorry to say..." I lower my voice. "being with someone... Like that... that close makes you attached."

"It is totally your choice kiddo. We trust you. But I personally think that you both have chemistry." Amar says.

"Fuck the chemistry. Tori am I done." I say shaking my head.

Tori sighs and wraps me up in the next ten minutes.

"Thanks Tori"

As I exit the room she places a hand on my arm stopping me.

"How long is this going to go... He is being so hard on you these days."she whispers.

" Just till I am 18 Tori just a few more months please. It has been so long. I can just wait for a few more."

" You don't deserve this. This story has to come out."

"I can't. He is fucking paying for college."

"You are the star player, Four. You'll get a scholarship."

"I don't want a case Tori" I say. "I am late, I told her 5."

"She is still here?", Amar quips in.

"Yeh"

I look at him thinking of a snarky comment and I walk away before it comes.

I see her through the glass door, sitting at the steps down to the parking lot, waiting...

She turns at the noise of the door and looks me in the eye as I stare at her from my place... Awkwaaaaaaard.

Her voice breaks the stare game, "You're 5 minutes late."

"yeah sorry about that" I offer her my hand to get her off that step. Skin on skin, my fingertips burn. I feel the heat seep into my hand as her soft delicate ones slide into mine. I take her to my car and once we are comfortable... we start.

Here goes nothing.

"Soo what made you send that text?" I start just to break the awkward silence.

"Four... you know we hadaexyhat night"

"What?"

"We had sex that night and none of our friends know this and I want to keep it that way and then I had that date and shit happened and I just thought..."

"Tris you're making no sense"

"See, I can't go and beat around bush anymore. I want to have sex again... With you. I have my reasons which I don't want to venture into right now."

I keep staring at front, a blank wall adorning our view. Nothing interesting. Thoughts pass my head. One thing stuck to my mind.

"How... Um... How was your date?"

"Seriously Four!", she huffs.

I feel her hesitate for a moment, an internal debate on if she should tell me about the date or not. I fucking bad want to know. I dont even know why. The burning returns to my chest as she speaks up.

" He was cute. Initially I thought he wasn't my type but apparently he is more interested in knowing me than just having a physical relationship. And that is exactly the reason I want that with you...", deafening silence "a physical relationship."

What the fuck! "What!".

"I mean he is a nice guy. And I don't want to ruin anything between us. He is Wills's cousin so he is reliable. And..." she pauses as of her next sentence was the death of her. " I think I can finally try it out." she turns towards me.. " you know... Dating".

I stare at her trying to put the pieces together.

"I mean. I know I don't have to be necessarily physical with him to be in a relationship and he totally agrees with that but the thing is I don't even want to be a total noob. Do you get that?... It is like at some point or the other in the future... We might be you know... Doing it."

I am at a loss of words.

"So your telling me that you want to date that guy and... But. Have sex with..." I take in a breath trying to control my mind and words, "me?"

"Yes kind of that but I have not told him that we were like.. You know going to. He is totally fine with it. Like I told him that I need like a few weeks to get ready to be in a relationship. We will be dating for a week and then figure out if this is working out or not... I mean it is a good idea right. But the point is that.. I wanted to... You know... Discover myself more before I rush into anything fast... Like know my likes and dislikes, my limits and like you know learn new things and... "she trails off.

I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE her. Right now. Fuck this is messed up bad... Real bad.

Just the thought of Tris dating that guy is making my nerves crackle and ache.

"Why don't you go and fuck him then" I turn my head towards the window trying to bite down my rising temper.

I hear her sigh. "Look, he has practically been the first guy not to jump at me like a hungry beast wanting fuck me. He wants to get to know me." her voice quivered with emotion. She closes her eyes and sighs. "... And I like him. It feels like I can go beyond. I can hope for something good out of this... After a long time. " she whispers ghe last part as if the words would vanish if she did not. "

" I still don't get it... "my insides are tearing apart. Maybe he was the one. She likes him." why" my voice cracks "... Me?"

"Four you are the only one who knew that... It... Um... Was my first. I mean you were my first. And I don't want to mess it up with him so I wanted your help"

The burning in my chest is rising... Like it is on fire.

"He can't know that... The way he looks at me. I really don't want to mess this up." she turns her gaze towards me but I can't look at her now.

"Four, you have your restrictions and I have my inhibitions. It is not like you are in a relationship and it is not like..." her voice reduces to a whisper, "it meant something... That night, no strings attached. It was all physical, just two bodies connecting."she looks away out of the window." We can't afford anymore. Amd I know you can't afford anymore. I understand what you want and what you need, shirt is off limits... I get that. No touching your back... I get that... Not much control... I respect all of it. You will not have to tell the next girl all that. The rules are stated. You have your way and I have my own inhibitions. We both are so similar in that way. "

I could hear my pounding heart in my ears. I close my eyes and feel the fire burning my insides into ashes. Everytime i feel the fire... It has been something fierce. Always aggressive. Fighting for dominance. But this one is different. It is like sizzling coals. There is no flame... But it is not complete inaction. It feels like the coals are at work making their way through my insides burning me up and leaving behind... nothing.

"Four... Are you okay."

"Let's get you home." I sigh as I reverse the car out of the parking lot.

I park in front of her house. Never looking at her. The ride was still.

Complete silence. No work spoken, no action relayed. "Its your stop".

"Seriously Four!" she huffs.

I keep silent because if I speak... Something I think it might be regretted later on.

I never look at her. This was it right.

The end.

"I just poured my heart out to you and you have no answer for me." she says waiting for me to continue the conversation. Eventually she gets the hint and slams the door of my car and starts walking towards her front porch.

"Tris" I clear my throat. She stops short but never looks back. Her back facing me I pluck up all the energy to speak. "If he really cared about you... It wouldn't matter if you were a virgin or a beginner... Or anything."

I know it was going to blow up... Or worse... Get emotional. Maybe she was right. Not letting emotions come in. I can't. I won't have to let another girl know of the limits. She will respect me and... I will respect her. I will have a degree of control. Just enough to make us both happy. And it would be... Perfect. No emotions fucking up our relationship. Purely physical.

I drive away before she can look at me just because I know. I would have taken up her offer then and there. But to be honest... I needed time.

TRIS POV

I stand there... Staring at the car reducing into a speck with each passing second. I knew I had spilled out all of it. Even though I did not want to. It was easy... No. Easier than others.

It was easy to talk to him. It has always been. But this time, he left me with my thoughts, alone. I slip into the house. Expecting mom and dad to be back after 2 days of their New York trip but am met with silence...and a note from my mom telling me to take out the dinner from the fridge and keep enough for dad and her.

I crumble it in my hand. Thoughts filling my head and killing my appetite.

If he cares enough... It shouldn't matter.

But it was not him. It is me. I dont want to mess this up and I don't want my fears to hold me back this time.

I drag myself to my bedroom flopping down on my bed and staring at the ceiling like it had a wonder world in itself. I can do this.

I push aside my bed, and face a small box with the key beneath the mattress.

This is it.

I sit with the box in my hand. It has all my memories. Good? I don't think so.

My hands tremble and my heart pounds. On the verge of a panic attack.

I had been determined when my 15 year old self stared back at me in the mirror that i was never going to open the box, but the thing is. That it had to break. My determination, my rejection and my denial were coming in my way of staying happy. I knew this was a bad idea. But I had to face it. Today... Or tomorrow.

The box was mostly empty. Just 3 pink pens. With red ink. A Polaroid and a diary. My story encased in a little box, out of my life, out of my mind, locked away underneath my bed.

I run my hands through the pages. They were wet... Once. In the past. Round droplets of water adorning the surface giving the ink a slight smudge at places. And polaroid photographs in small envelopes. Which were never opened since they were put in there.

My breath starts to get heavy and silent tears slip into the already wet pages. Making new spots of what will become dried water stains. I shut the diary and focus on my breathing, trying to get my shit together. I feel breathless. Lost. I hear my voice then. Sobbing into my own ear. My hands wrapping my own folded legs in hope that they were someone else... Someone I could trust. Hoping that my heart will calm down stop the tears and make everything fine... Someone who can let me make forget everything. Start new... and fresh. I push the box under the bed again. And get myself to the bathroom. Staggering on the way. Grabbing my bottle of pills. I can't go long enough with them... Especially these days. My hands shake as i get two of them out of the bottle and gulp it with some water. My eyes start to close. Maybe the tiredness of the day settling in. My body feeling numb. I drag it back to the bed and curl into a ball. As if the position would protect me well... from everything bad.

(AN: Is Four going to accept the offer!?)