21

Scotch Thoughts

Dead Men Leave No Trails

Slipping into the driver's seat of his Corvette, Lee gingerly closed the car door. He was hoping he could pull away from his parking spot directly in front of Amanda's house without too much notice by Dotty. Maybe she was currently busy noticing the two coffee cups and plates of uneaten cake in the kitchen. Damn! If he could only get his hands to stop shaking long enough to get the right key out and into the ignition. There! He took a deep breath as the engine zoomed into action and exhaled as he pulled away from 4247 Maplewood Drive. He couldn't tell which he felt more strongly – the immense frustration because of the abrupt interruption Amanda's family's early arrival had caused during what had quickly become one of the most important moments of his life or the tingling excitement that had begun to flood his body the moment he had caught Amanda's gaze as they sat on her family room couch. Well, both were sure to keep him awake tonight. There was nothing he could do to change any of it now. He guessed the best thing he could do was just head home and pour himself a scotch, try to relax and let his thoughts go where they would. Maybe he could spend the evening planning some way to make sure he could finally actually have that moment with Amanda.

His car must have been driving on auto pilot because he had reached his apartment building without even noticing the roads at all. It was a good thing he had become so familiar with the drive between his place and Amanda's house. All that his brain and body had been focused on during the drive was the amazing evening he had just enjoyed with Amanda – especially those last few moments. The inviting smile he had seen on her face as he had raised his eyes from his plate of cake. How she had so deliberately placed her plate on the table and looked at him so expectantly. How she had reached for him, her hand so tenderly on his cheek. Man! They had been so close to finally crossing the ever present line that they had been hovering around for months. There was no way he was going to leave her tonight without finding a way to end that evening with a kiss, Dotty and the kids or not. So he had hidden around the corner outside the kitchen door, instinctively knowing that she was going to follow him out. He could still feel her in his arms, her arm wrapped around his neck, her body leaning into his. Sure it was the briefest of kisses, but it had still affected him deeply. It took every last bit of his will power to not continue with another one, as he had desired. If he had kissed her again, like he wished he could have, he never would have been able to leave, and he knew they would have been discovered by Dotty. He wanted to make sure that he and Amanda would have time – time to linger, time to talk. Time to be able to pull themselves together and function afterwards without running off in different directions. He'd had a hard enough time getting his hands to work a key after the briefest of kisses with Amanda, what would it have been like if they hadn't been interrupted? He groaned, maybe a bit too loudly, as he worked another key into the lock of his apartment door.

Finally entering his apartment, he poured himself a glass of scotch and stretched out on the couch. For the umpteenth time it seemed, he noticed how quiet and sterile his apartment was. It was gray and cold – and lonely. Other than those few days that Amanda had occupied the space with him and had been busy making noises in the kitchen and gracing his couches with her presence, his apartment was a stiff, sterile and unwelcoming space. He was not enjoying being there alone now. Sure, he would have rather still have been with Amanda tonight, but it wasn't just tonight. He wanted a complete change, and tonight being with Amanda at her house like that had really solidified what sort of change he really desired.

He would love it if his life could be like tonight all the time. Working on cases during the day with Amanda as if they were one mind and then making dinner together and doing dishes, ending the day on the couch with one another. A couple of times over the past few days he had come to recognize that he really didn't care any more about the parties and the night life he used to enjoy. He had truly rejoiced for the Kowalski's when Billy had read that memo out load the other morning. Hearing about the birth of their new child was the first time he had really marveled at the birth of a baby. And he had surprised himself with his response to that bratty new recruit he had run into before that doggone orientation speech. A little more than a year ago, his ego would have been badly shaken to hear a young woman tell him that her father had shoes just like his. Ok, so her remark had taken him off guard, maybe he needed to update his wardrobe a bit… how long had it been since he had been shoe shopping? But really, he had changed… and he had also gotten older. A decade had passed since he was in those seats himself in that orientation lecture looking at the slides of lone wolf terrorists – hadn't they all snickered at him when he called the late 60's recent?

But, really, he hadn't cared. He hadn't had any time to think about it, actually. Amanda had come in with her news about Sallee, and not for one moment had he not believed her. He was done with questioning the veracity of Amanda's claims. Amanda's instincts had never been wrong; he trusted them just as he trusted his own. If she had seen a man who she thought looked like Steven Sallee, then it was worth immediate attention – even if she hadn't come through with her promise to help him with his speech. He only wished she hadn't had to find Millicent's dead body all by herself. Just a few nights ago he had stood next to King Eddie's wheel chair with his arm firmly wrapped around Amanda in a sweet and easy embrace. Yesterday he had held her in the same way, but this time it was to comfort her from the shock of finding the woman she had just had tea with lying dead on the floor of her own living room. Amanda had kept her head about her, and she had thrown herself fully into finding Sallee. Maybe she had felt some guilt about initially insisting on pursuing Sallee so she could return to him the remainder of his money and endangering Millicent, but despite what she felt, she had sunk her teeth into that case and she had been amazing!

He loved working with her and the way her mind worked. He loved it when he came into the Q Bureau earlier today and found her there hard at work on cracking Millicent's diary. She had made connections that even Crypto had missed. Of course, the way she wouldn't give up on it even after the allotted time Billy had given them ended had caused Lee a couple of anxious moments. The panic he had felt when he hadn't found Amanda at the corner coffee shop that she had promised to stay at had almost overwhelmed him. If he hadn't had to quickly pursue Sallee out of the park, he wasn't sure if he would have yelled at her or kissed her right there once he had grabbed her in the park. And he wasn't even going to try to scold her for leaving the Agency again once he saw how focused she had been sitting on Millicent's couch. She was like a dog with a bone, and it had been a very good thing. Lee had even made sure that Billy knew how it had been Amanda's work with the diary that had caused them to figured it all out.

There used to be a time when the thrill of the mission had fueled him. He would finish one case and then immediately look forward to the next one. Even a few days off had to be full of excitement and intrigue or he would get restless. But now, there was nothing that could have excited him more after a successful completion to a case than what Amanda had suggested for tonight. The job was an important and exciting one, and working with Amanda like he had on this one made it even more fulfilling, but the thought of a steak dinner, just the two of them alone at her house, had thrilled him like nothing else had - ever. Moving around together in her comfortable kitchen while making dinner and standing shoulder to shoulder at the sink talking and doing the dishes had filled him with something he had never known existed.

He supposed maybe he had known at some level that he had longed for it. Maybe that was why he had spent countless evenings over the past three years hovering outside of those windows looking in, the very ones that he had been looking out of tonight. He could remember how he had felt some sort of struggle rise in him when he had stayed at Amanda's way back then when he had been hiding from Sinclair and he and Amanda were just beginning to discover each other. She had suggested then that a little bit of "normal" might be good for him. He could laugh at himself now. A little bit of normal? He was starting to think that normal with Amanda may be the most wonderful thing in the world.

Anything with Amanda would be wonderful, he was sure of it. If only he could find a way to have some uninterrupted time with her. Now he was wishing he hadn't delayed broaching the topic of their changing relationship for so long tonight. He had thoroughly enjoyed all of their conversations tonight. Because they were in her home, Amanda must have felt more free to tell stories about her boys and her mother. And they had been under the impression that they had the entire evening to themselves, so he had felt leisurely and didn't want to rush anything. It wasn't until they had sat down on the couch facing each other with plates of homemade cake that he had felt that it might be the right moment. "Homemade, and I hope you like it" she had said. Homemade and he loved it! The cake smelled delicious and sitting so closely to her like that had felt amazing. And Amanda… Amanda looked so beautiful in her simple plaid shirt and blue jeans talking about baking a cake or two! And then she had put down her plate and had fixed her eyes right on his, and he knew it was now or never. The sound of his own voice had surprised him; he hadn't even known what he had wanted to say except her name. Was he going to ask her a question? Or maybe he should make some sort of statement about their relationship. Oh, but he had been very pleasantly surprised that she had been the one to move into his personal space, and he hadn't even needed to consider words. Her hand was on his cheek, he could feel the warmth of her breath so close to him and his heart was racing. Finally, after all those months of deliberating with himself and carefully making sure that he was building a solid foundation of friendship with Amanda, they were going to have some time to explore their feelings for each other together. She was so close!

How many times had he been that close to her and then been interrupted? It was enough to make him crazy. All these months, whenever he had actually allowed himself to think about what it would be like to finally kiss Amanda, he had driven himself nuts remembering what it had been like to kiss her at that cover wedding ceremony in San Angelo. He had worn the memory of the sensations thin. And he would tantalize himself with the memory of that brief moment in the swamps of Virginia. He had tried to imagine what it would have been like to have completed what they had begun then. They had been so close then and too many other times since then. Tonight he knew he was completely at the end of waiting. All he wanted right now was to have her wrapped in his arms so he could finally let her know how much he felt for her. But he didn't want some rushed moment with no time to talk about things. They had so much to talk about, and he really wanted to make sure that she knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wanted her, wanted to know all about her and that he wanted her to know all of him. But he had no idea how to get the words out. He had tried saying it out loud numerous times, "Amanda, I love you." But it never came out. His stomach would tie in knots, and he sounded strangled. Was that what he had been trying to say tonight? He was a man of action; he was sure all he needed was some time alone with Amanda. Maybe he didn't have to say the words yet, maybe just keeping the ball rolling that he had finally gotten moving tonight was enough? All he knew was that he was going to be pretty distracted until he could find another "right moment".