34
Jack drove. This seemed the best idea since the mere thought of John driving filled everyone with dread and this unnerving image in their minds of them all dying in a ball of flames and twisted metal because he would not watch the road, craning to see the baby born instead. Eerily ... they all had the same vision.
So… Ianto and John were in the back with Gwen and thank God… not Rex. Gwen alternated between groaning through painful contractions and screaming for Rhys who was still not answering his cell phone. God. Ianto wanted to throttle him as he went through so many scenarios as why he was not picking up, the most likely that the poor sod was asleep enjoying the peace and quiet he himself had wanted. Right. Sleep… novel idea. Torchwood. God.
Ianto was crouched with Gwen on the middle seat saying whatever encouraging tripe he could come up with while simultaneously texting Rhys how he was in deep shit and had better have a good story for this. One with flowers and shit man… seriously… and chocolates. Chocolate covered coffee beans… yeah… those for the suddenly here midwife in a three piece suit. Shit. Ianto was trying to remember Rhiannon's deliveries, his own a blur of pain and drugs… god those cats had great drugs. Gotta take a second to mention that!
John was unusually quiet and as Gwen strained Ianto looked up to find John more than slightly paler than usual. He was perched on the back seat like a skinny gargoyle staring down at Gwen like some sort of weird malevolent creature. Ianto blinked and frowned at him, trying not give him the stink-eye but that didn't seem to help
"You OK there John?" he finally said out loud as Gwen crushed his hand.
John made a weird noise and slid around the side of the minivan, crawling over seats to get to the front where he sat in the front passenger seat gripping it with white knuckles while staring straight ahead like they were heading into hell itself. Jack glanced over at him "you OK?"
"I saw it."
"Saw it?" Jack pulled a face to show his confusion, then he glanced at John before returning his eyes to the road "Saw what?"
"Like… her knees were open and … her skirts were up and…down there. There were… it was… do they all have hair in this timeline?" John finally settled on "I thought it was some sort of kinky enhancement or something."
"Most do, yes. They landscape them in all different … wait. What? What are you asking?" Jack swung around a too low vehicle, glancing at John again.
"Well … it's just… the head was pushing against her… you know… Pleasure Palace… they don't just cut them out here? Are they not civilised yet?"
Jack tried to get his head around the fact Gwen was crowning, also that John had seen her bits … also… he called it what? Jack tried to get it… "What?"
"Look… if a fully formed baby comes out that way… how do they have more than one?" John asked, the serious face telling Jack his was not John fooling around.
"Its… elastic. It will go back into shape later" Jack said comfortingly.
"Are you serious?" John yelled a little to loudly "Do you know the size of a baby's head? That is NOT going back into shape. How the hell do you … you know… make a second one with a hole that size!"
"Give. Me. The…" Gwen was reaching for Ianto who thought she wanted the phone and then realized it was his sidearm she was struggling for, his laughter soft as he slapped her away making John turn to look at him.
"Tell me… tell me your baby didn't come out your… well…"
Ianto stared at him silently for a moment as Gwen finally flopped back and laughed weakly, then groaned and grunted, the baby really coming now.
"They cut him out of course" Ianto spat, moving to the least favourable end of his friend as she bore down and started to force her child into the daylight.
"See?" John said to Jack, "not natural!"
"God, here it comes" Ianto called out, the baby entering the world as he gently held Gwen, panting with her and crooning as the sudden emergence was followed by the gush of fluid.
"Ewwwwww" John yelled, his feet going up onto the dash "Oh gods… ewwwww"
"A boy!" Ianto said with delight, hastily removing his suit jacket to wrap around the baby as it lay on Gwen's chest.
"Rhys missed it" Gwen said sadly, then grinned "But look … he's lovely!"
John swung around to look and made a noise, then slammed back against the seat again with wild eyes staring forward. He struggled for a moment before finding his voice.
"Jack" John hissed poking at Jack with urgency "It's head… something it wrong with its head! It's a Cone shaped head … all … deformed!"
Jack glanced back "No .. they look like that."
John was aghast, looking back again, then sitting forward to consider, then hiss "No. I don't think so."
Jack entered the A&E ambulance bay, tooting the horn urgently while ignoring the idiot beside him.
"OK… how about I shoot him now" Ianto crooned to the baby as Gwen laughed with relief, the doors flying open to allow the medical staff in, Ianto sliding out as Rhys slammed the huge truck to a stop and got out running for them, flicking the keys to Ianto who caught them deftly and walked to the truck to move it out of the ambulance bay.
Just another day in Torchwood … can't lie … felt good to be back.