I don't think I slept that night. I remember sitting up against my door for hours, crying my eyes out, before I heard Hawkeye get up hours before the sun rose. I didn't dare move. If I did, I knew that my resolve will melt and I'd continue the sobbing for years to come. I'd open that door and allow the guys in. Then, we'd talk about what they saw and why those hideous items are in the basement of our home.

But I didn't want to remember. The ashes were my way of forgetting it. The wound will remain open again and again if I allowed Hawkeye, BJ and Charles inside to poke at it. Already, they put salt on it by seeing all of those pictures. I could not bear for them to continue the assault.

When the sun rose, I knew it was time to check on the children. I unlocked the door and peeked out. BJ and Charles were snoozing on the couch. Hawkeye was in my rocking chair, also asleep. I snuck out and locked everything behind me. I crept to the children's rooms and looked in. The twins needed to be changed and the older girls were peacefully unaware of what happened. Their Dreamland was full of innocence and sweetness.

The day had to be normal though. I had to face the music somehow. But I was not going down without a fight. Hawkeye, BJ and Charles were crossing the line on my terms alone. There was not going to be a compromise. They did not understand. They were going to respect those boundaries and let me explain in my own time.

Taking a deep breath, I went down to the kitchen. Immediately, I cleaned out the coffee pot and set a new batch on the stove. Then, I went to the basement and cleaned up the mess from the night before. I threw the destroyed cups out in the kitchen garbage. The noise woke the trio up. Quickly, they scrambled to meet me.

I was already cooking breakfast when they arrived. Hawkeye and BJ were full of questions and apologies. Charles stood there, unsure of what to say. All and all, the three of them expressed their concern in their own way. They couldn't believe that I stood there and not in a puddle of my own tears.

I waved them all away. With the older ones now coming down the stairs, dressed and ready for their day, we all had to focus on little ears. When I had a minute to spare, I went to change Patrick and Danielle. They were fed just as I put the everyone else's food on the table. Shannon was intent on going to school that day and Annabeth was full of ideas for her day.

Even with a sore foot, I decided to drive Shannon to school since everyone was running late. I usually walked with her, but I felt brave. Hawkeye was hesitant handing me over the keys and the children in the same breath though. I almost laughed seeing his face. Even BJ and Charles were a tab worried. I had to wrestle the keys out of Hawkeye's hands and dodge all of the worries the others had.

"I'll be back," I promised as I herded everyone out the door. "I won't crash the car."

Hawkeye would have replied, but I managed to get everyone out the door before he did. I secured the twins in the front seat. The older girls settled in the back and bounced in excitement. As calmly as I could and biting on my lips from the pain, I put the Packard in reverse and rolled out of the driveway. Just when I put myself in first gear, BJ and Hawkeye were on the front porch. They were heading my way.

They're not stopping me.

I was off and into second gear before they caught up to me. All the while, I was cautious. This was my first outing without TC directing me. I had to remember everything she taught me and I knew it will be all right. There was nobody in the passenger seat, reaching for my leg. Most certainly, the back seat was not my bed.

I parked in the street with the rest of the parents. Shannon thanked me and hopped out of the car without another word. She saw some girls from her class and waved at them. They got excited together and began talking about Shannon's missed day. Smiling, I put the Packard back into gear and headed home.

As soon as I parked the car, Hawkeye was outside. He opened the door for me before I took the keys out of the ignition. He would have grabbed them too had I not firmly held them between my fingers. I smiled and held out my other hand. Hawkeye smiled and took it, pulling me out of the driver's seat before I stumbled. I would have lingered, but there were three children crawling out of the Packard.

Before Annabeth and the twins ran off, they were ushered inside. Hawkeye asked me all sorts of questions from behind, but I ignored them. There were other pressing matters to attend to. For one, the children were driving me insane. One wanted to go outside, another tried walking upstairs and the last wanted to bang on the window. I settled all three calmly and was soon sweeping up the sand that kicked in this morning.

For another, the telephone rang. Hawkeye answered it and was startled for a moment. But then, he was laughing. When he covered the mouthpiece with his hand, he told everyone that it was Greg Keller…and that he had news about Frank Burns! He promised that it was good too.

"That insipid shark actually caught my predecessor?" Charles asked. He leaned forward on his seat on the couch and intertwined his fingers togethers. "Oh, goodie! Let's hear the news."

"Shh!" Hawkeye warned.

But I had other plans. "Give me that!" I demanded as I jumped for the telephone, broom I hands. Luckily, I didn't land on my sprained ankle. "That's for me."

Hawkeye raised the piece higher. "Not for all the kisses in the world will you get this telephone, Madam," he replied. Then, laughing, he went back to Greg. "Oh, do tell me more!"

Chastened, I stood nearby and listened, leaning against the fireplace and moving my weight around. I heard some of what Greg said. I understood that Frank had been caught finally and that he was considered a threat to society. Then, there was some static. Even Hawkeye had a hard time hearing Greg. I thought it was the connection from across the pond.

When Greg came back on, I heard, "He's been put away in a rubber room. He's not coming out."

"What? Frank Burns is in for good?" Hawkeye was incredulous. "There is justice after all."

"Oh, this is exciting!" BJ was excited, jumping up and down. "Frank is tied up with a white coat!"

"Oh, there's more," Greg promised. "Frank Burns has been deemed too psycho for the Army. Even his ex-wife promoted the idea. She signed him to the care of the rubber room and let him go. And because Burns has been telling everyone anything and everything, the Army can't risk what else he knows going to the wrong bunch. He's in solitary confinement. A few assigned people are allowed to see him."

The connection broke. Hawkeye was disappointed, but was elated all the time. It was news enough. Frank Burns met his just desserts! Now, every blonde woman in America, Margaret especially, could breath easier.

"This calls for a toast," Hawkeye announced. He held up an imaginary glass. "To Ferret Face – for those about to die, we salute!"

We all laughed, even Charles. For a moment, we were back in Colonel Potter's office on that warm afternoon. There the CO was, with Radar and Dean and us three sans Charles, and we were all toasting the end of Frank Burns. Little did we know then that he would blow his top and land at the VA…only to run away time and time again.

When I dropped the broom by accident, it was like the scene changed and the tranquility shattered. We went from being completely amused by Frank's fall to being completely suspicious of each other's words. Charles, BJ and Hawkeye stared at me especially, like I was some freak of nature. Maybe, in many ways, I was, showing them once more that I could not break down, even when times were hard. Maybe, they thought I was insane and yearned for a respite in a room with four white walls.

"Let me get back to sweeping," I said, picking up the offending item and moving back to the dining room.

"Jeanie, no." Hawkeye stepped in front of me. "We need to talk."

"Damned if I do!" Suddenly, I was pissed off. The noise was loud enough to get the children's attention. "I don't need to talk to you now."

Hawkeye was taken aback. The outburst wasn't like me. I am usually pretty relaxed when we argue. I was also vicious and sneaky. But now, I was a demon. I never snapped at him before and he did not know what to do. Charles and BJ felt the same. They knew I had a temper and could take on anything. But to be so defensive in their faces was another story.

Hawkeye managed to get the shock off of his face before BJ and Charles did. "Jeanie, what we did was wrong. I didn't mean to pry into your business. Dad and I don't you harm BJ and Charles don't mean anything either."

"This wasn't about you going through those boxes," I gushed out, not caring who heard anymore. "This is about my privacy. I came into your world with the intention of putting my past behind me. I didn't want it to follow me. I don't want any of you chasing it either. It's done. It's gone. This is my home. I can't go back."

"And if I can't accept that?" Hawkeye thundered.

BJ came forth torpidly. "Hawk, let it go." The effort was weak.

"No!"" Hawkeye yelled at him. To me, he added, "Tell me. Would you have divorced me?"

"I could have asked you the same thing," I replied sharply. "The way you've selfishly conducted yourself the past few years, I've always wondered if you ever loved anyone other than your damn self!" I suppressed a sob. "At least I would have been able to rebuild myself."

"Would you now?" Now, Hawkeye was nasty. "Who would have taken you in? One of your brothers?"

"I have an apartment in DC," I admitted. "My father rented it. In case we separated, he offered it to me and the children." I paused, going for the kill my father threatened in one of his many letters to me. "He also will ensure that you'd never see the children again."

It was puerile and low. It hit the mark though. Daddy was willing to do that to Hawkeye, but I wouldn't. I burned in a new kind of shame when I saw Hawkeye's face. His body was just falling apart. The mere thought of separation practically torn him apart. Just the day before, he told me that he couldn't live without me. This proved it.

But his comment made me angrier and I had to put in my last two cents. "You cannot just take advantage of me. How dare you assume that I'd do such a thing to you? This is my home. This is our children's home. Why the hell would I leave you?"

"You tried too many times before," Hawkeye choked out. "You nearly died."

I had enough. I was too mad. The arguing was not doing me well. The way everyone stared at me made me almost one hundred times worse. I had to walk away…except this time, there was no Rosie's to drown out my sorrows. I was a woman in a strange world that did not allow for any emotion.

Society should not judge me for the amount of freedom I reach for.

I walked away. I threw the broom to one side, grabbed my old Army coat and boots and headed straight out the door. I didn't say anything to anyone. I refused to listen to Hawkeye yelling at me. I sure as hell threw BJ and Charles to one side. They had no control over me anymore.

I didn't stop. I took the right out of the driveway and followed the sandy road. Hawkeye halted at the edge of the property and tried calling my name again. I did not care if I was acting like an idiot, not heeding him anymore. I was free. He could not bind me to that house, our marriage and those children.

Quite honestly, I don't remember what happened afterward. I just kept walking until I found myself sitting on a bench in the middle of nowhere, crying. It was night. The rain was relentless and I was soaked. I had my head in my hands, lamenting how foolish I had been. I walked out on my family and friends. They all must be upset and worried.

What have I done to them?

"Hey, Jeanie," a voice said to me. An umbrella covered my wet body. "What's wrong?"

I turned to see Jake. "I don't know anymore. I don't." I started crying again.

Jake pulled me closer to him, like a fatherly embrace, and kissed my head. "Now, don't worry if you don't know. There are many mysterious things in our life."

"I did a bad thing, Jake," I confessed. "I abandoned what I love the most."

"I can see that, Jeanie. The babies weren't with you the whole time. Hawkeye has been in another world."

"You watched me? You saw me?"

"I saw some of what happened. Chuck was the one who saw the whole damned thing. He thought everyone should butt out."

"Why did you come then? You know what I did was the worst a mother and wife could do."

"I don't judge, just like you don't. One mistake cannot define you."

"But I am made of many."

"Then, it makes you more human. You have something more to build from."

I met Jake's eyes. "When would I be in the wrong if I hid something from Hawkeye?"

"Only if it will imperil your soul and his," Jake reassured me. He was so convinced of this. "Some things are too heavy to carry. Others can be shared. If you knew it would hurt him and shred his soul, say not a word. But the line is drawn between hurt and passion. Never hurt him."

I thought about his words. I soaked them in like the rain. It was cold and refreshing all at once. But I might not mean I will receive a second chance. It also didn't mean anything. Hawkeye might not take me back after today's antics. And I wouldn't blame him! I wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes after today.

"I have to get home," I just said, getting up. "Jake, thank you."

"How are you getting there?" Jake asked me, amused. He waved my gratitude away. "Last I saw, your foot was wrapped and you had a hard time walking in your unlaced boots."

Dammit!

I forgot about my ankle. I groaned. I knew Jake would help me, but it was impossible for him to. There wasn't a way for him to guide me home in the dark.

"Don't worry about it," Jake told me. "Eddie called Hawkeye. He'll pick you."

"Where are we?" I asked him. This was a side of town I was not familiar with. There was almost nothing around except for sand, some plants and ocean. "How far did I walk?"

"You're on the other side of the wetlands," Jake replied, laughing. "You've almost reached the next town on foot."

I was amazed. I tried laughing too. It hurt me more. The fact that I acted so impulsively was terrifying. If Mom was right, then I was capable of anything, including the murder of innocents. But I had to deny it. I was a human being. I was able to reconcile with my daughters and son. They could not live right now without my love and strength.

Hawkeye found us some minutes later. Jake walked over me and then carried me into the passenger side. Hawkeye offered him a ride back to the bar, but Jake waved it away. He said enough for the day. The last Jake did was bid us a good night with nothing more than a hand wave.

For a few minutes, we did not talk. Hawkeye handed me a few towels and a blanket from the back seat, to keep me warm until we got home. We passed through some side roads and were back into town before I knew it. Hawkeye navigated through the streets and eventually pulled into a parking lot. He parked the car, leaving the engine running.

"The kids can't sleep," he said.

I burst out crying again. "I know."

He reached over and held my hand, refusing to come any closer except to rub his thumb around my rubbery skin. For a moment, he understood the pain of what I've done. He had done the worst too. Our mutual indifference towards the other and the total disregard for each other affected those little ones as much as it did to us. We were sore. We needed each other to mend, more than ever before.

I started laughing weakly. "You know, Dean always said I was a bad crier. I didn't expect to be so soaked myself."

For the second time today, Hawkeye didn't know what to do with himself. He stopped his motions and chuckled a little. It transformed into full hilarity. Soon, the Packard was filled with our laughter.

We also drew closer to each other. I fell right into his arms, drenching him and the seat and steering wheel. Despite the watery mess, Hawkeye reached over and kissed me, full on the mouth. He had not done that since shortly after we left Korea behind for good. It lasted for some minutes before we had to catch some air. It was then that Hawkeye decided we were out late enough. He put the Packard in reverse and we were off.

The lights were still on our homecoming. The children were all waiting on the front porch too. BJ and Charles could not contain them any longer. Shannon led the charge. Before I opened my door, she was right there. Annabeth was on the other side. Each sister held a twin and clamored how happy they were to see us back.

"Get back in the house!" I ordered. "You'll all catch a chill out here."

"Mommy's back," Shannon said. She blew a whistle. "Retreat!"

Almost akin to the day BJ and Hawkeye intruded on a triage class with their absurd military caricatures, Shannon and Annabeth took to the hills, leaving a trail of water behind them past the front door. Hawkeye laughed harder as he exited. I was going to follow him, but BJ beat me to the punch. He half-carried me out and told me to lean on him. He was helping me inside.

Once in the living room, I hugged each child so tightly that they thought I was insane with all of my endearments and cuddles. Then, sitting on my rocking chair, I kissed them all good night and watched BJ and Hawkeye put them to bed. Charles remained behind, to check my ankle.

He unwrapped the bandage. "Oh – my, Jeanie, what have you done?"

"Oops," I said flippantly. I shouldn't have been that careless since it looked worse than it did when the incident happened. "I guess accidents occur."

Charles mumbled to himself as he cleaned my foot and damned my imprudence. By the time he finished, Hawkeye and BJ were back. The latter tried to make conversation and it fell flat. The former had some clean clothes for me and offered to bring me to the bathtub himself. Afterward, all sorts of jokes came out of his mouth. I countered and was soon smiling.

"Isn't this familiar?" BJ asked Charles.

"Beej, I should say we should walk out ourselves," Charles said, almost unlike him. "It would be inappropriate otherwise."

Hawkeye and I continued with our cheap pillow talk. Somehow, in between this madness, we found our original footing. When we finished, BJ was Charles were annoyed, but we didn't care. I took the proffered arm and hopped upstairs. Once in the bathroom, with the children opening their little ears, Hawkeye had his way with me on the bathtub lip. I giggled all the way.

And this time, the passion was there. Even when Hawkeye turned the hot water on and encased us behind the curtains, I felt us enshrined in some sort of church of our own making. Everything we held about each other was sacred. Our marriage was the religion we preached. Our children were the congregation that will bring the Good Word to others when it was their time to fly.

The rain continued long into the next morning. By then, it didn't matter much. Hawkeye and I were curled in the bed together, comfortable. Even the arrival of four children did not concern us so much. Shannon already brought me the items required to help change Patrick and Danielle. With that done, they were all off for a new adventure. Shannon instigated and grabbed her drum set from Christmas. She encouraged her brother and sisters to sing, "The Battle for New Orleans".

"What will today bring?" Hawkeye rolled over, groaning. "I can't hit the ground, running."

"Wait and see," I suggested. I handed him the baby items and kissed him. "The kids will take you on their ride. Go with it."

To Mistress Twist: I know I was supposed to say that this is the 3rd chapter you should be on. But I won't say it as the sole message. I want to remind you that you are a wonderful person and the greatest support. Much love.

To momoflanda: SURPRISE! Here's the chapter you've been waiting for. Stay safe and enjoy. :)