Chapter 24
Yue-lung wonders how long it will take until he gets rid of the habit of sabotaging his own happiness. He can't remain oblivious to the fact he keeps acting according to the same pattern: sooner or later, he always does something that tests his relationship with Sing. Such behavior can be probably explained with some kind of anxiety or another psychological rubbish, like being unable to believe it will last, along with his self-loathing and feeling he doesn't deserve love. After all, hurting another person is the best method to push them away, although he wishes that Sing stays with him more than anything.
Maybe he's a masochist. Or a sadist. Or, which is the most likely, the both.
He once more treated Sing badly, despite pretending to himself that he meant well. In fact, he didn't like that it was Sing who had control, not him. The tendency to always have things happening as he wants them to happen, hasn't gone anywhere. He just can't stand it that someone may act on their will. So he tried to break even Sing, without any regard for the man's will... just like other people had kept breaking him for years, for a whole fucking decade.
Can one sink even more?
Once again, he swears to himself to never do it again... but has no confidence whatsoever that he can trust his own promises. He fears that, when the next time happens, he won't remember them or he'll decide they don't matter. But he promised to Sing, too. So maybe it's the high time to - instead to repeatedly testing their bond and trying to break it, instead of taking one step forward and three steps back - end such games and learn how far they can get together? What was the point in allowing the past to control him if he could focus on the present and maybe even the future, instead? Even Sing knew that, given that he told him that straight the last year already...
Being with Sing for a year... that's, um, having Sing in his life for so long - and having him so much - doesn't cease to amaze him. Maybe after another year passes, he will be able to accept their friendship... and that Blanca was right when he spoke of 'someone who will love and care'. That time he didn't believe him at all.
Speaking of Blanca, the man came one day to offer his apology. Yue-lung had no idea what it was about, but after the explanation he understood at least why Sing wanted to get rid of the bodyguard so much. As for the apology itself, he only commented that it wasn't like anything bad had happened, and he kept to himself that, had it been not for Blanca's intervention, the situation wouldn't have possibly developed as it did.
Maybe he would've remained oblivious to Sing's feelings until this day. A terrible thought indeed.
Over the next weeks, he does his best to do nothing... that is, to do nothing stupid. He doesn't attempt to tempt Sing, doesn't try to discourage him, doesn't test their friendship. He's almost a passive recipient of love... and basks in it like in the sun. He allows it and allows himself to draw strength from it. He drives away his doubts and bad scenarios and instead concentrates on optimism. It's not easy - it's not easy to not be scared - but he makes an effort nonetheless. All that contributes to his good mood, and he finds the days are painless and pleasant. He slowly begins to understand why it's so important to have 'someone who loves and cares' - to know that someone like that exists, especially present in his daily life, serves as a positive message that even someone as vile as Lee Yue-lung has something about him that evokes warmer feelings. Love, if one accepts it, helps to believe that one is not the most wretched creature in the world... helps to like himself just a bit.
Sing still showers him with tender gestures, and soon Yue-lung completely gets used to them. The brief hugs have turned into longer moments of Sing holding him close in his arms, and all of Yue-lung's exposed skin must have been covered with his kisses by now. These caresses are hopelessly romantic, but it's probably exactly the point: that they don't show desire only affection, that they don't make him feel threatened only add to his sense of security. And it really works; Yue-lung realizes that, over these weeks and then months, he's become fully used Sing's hands and lips touching his body. It even came to this that he sometimes sits down next to him and rests his head on Sing's shoulder, as if demanding the contact himself, and he's always given it.
In June, however, something happens to shake him to the core and remind him that life more often is cruel than not. It takes place one rainy day when he's returning home from a meeting with a potential business partner, important enough to pay him a visit. As the limousine rides through the damp city and Yue-lung stares at the houses, parks and people moving behind the window, his eyes catch the figure he recognizes at once, despite having believed to never see again. Okumura Eiji is sitting on the bench in the park, caring little about to the rain; in fact, he doesn't seem to be paying attention to the world at all. His face is like a mask, petrified in indifference, and his eyes are lifeless. He soon disappears when the car starts to move again, but the image of his hunched silhouette - a dead grief incarnated - has managed to imprint on Yue-lung's mind, as if burned under his eyelids, taking away his strength and filling him with terrible cold.
Yue-lung gets home, but he just can't get rid of the feeling as if all warmth had left him forever. He's frozen, crushed by weight he recognizes as sorrow, regret, guilt - and fear. Realization it is him who created that Eiji pierces him with pain - for the first time in his life, because it's only now that he saw and comprehended it. That time, one year ago, information of Ash's death didn't stir any reaction in him... but over that year - he's aware of it now - he's changed at least as much as to know that he would look exactly the same as Eiji if he lost Sing. And he know it would be the greatest wrong in the world.
When Soo-ling returns from the gym, he finds Yue-lung in the dim bedroom. Yue-lung is sitting on his bed in a suit and staring blankly ahead. Soo-ling becomes anxious, but then Yue-lung realizes his presence as he turns his head to look at him, and there's only despair in his gaze. Before Soo-ling is overtaken by a sheer terror and asks what happened, he hears a whisper, "Sing... I feel so terrible."
It's been a while since the last time Soo-ling saw him so distressed - certainly not in the last few weeks, filled only with joy and hope - and that sight is heart-wrenching. He hesitates only a moment, then sits down on the bed next to him and hugs him close to assure him everything will be okay. Yue-lung rests his forehead on his shoulder and simply lets himself be cuddled. They sit like that without saying anything, and Soo-ling takes delight in this moment, although he's concerned by the despair he's witnessing. He knows he would give anything, just anything, to make Yue-lung never suffer again.
Finally, the silence is broken by the voice only slightly stronger than a whisper, "I saw Eiji today."
Soo-ling freezes altogether. He's known, of course, that Eiji returned to NY the last year already, but he had no courage to go and see him. Then how Yue-lung...?
"I saw him outside the window car, just for a short moment," Yue-lung goes on as if reading his mind. "It was... Sing, do you hate me?"
Soo-ling blinks in astonishment. "I think you've skipped some lines here," he says, trying to follow the train of thought.
"Do you hate me for what I did that time?" Yue-lung repeats the question with his face still buried in his shoulder.
"I don't hate you," Soo-ling replies almost automatically. "I told you this many times."
"Well, I sure hate myself," Yue-lung says in an unnaturally calm voice. "Without any reason I ruined people who didn't wrong me. I used your guys, contributed to Ash's death, brought Eiji to despair..."
"Stop it..." Soo-ling tries to interrupt that flow of words, but Yue-lung won't stop.
"I didn't think of it that time," he continues as if he hasn't even heard him. "I thought I had every right to do it, that it would be fair, but in fact I only wanted to destroy everything. It's only now, after I saw Eiji, that I understand what monster I was... I am. You said you would never forgive me for what I did... You're perfectly right about it."
"Stop it...!" Soo-ling demands and still doesn't get a response.
"You remember when you became mad at me? When I said that it's Eiji to be blamed for Ash's death, not you? When I accused you of being a saint, a martyr? Did you already... Sing, were you protecting even... me? Because the cause behind that all wasn't that letter from Eiji you took to Ash. And Lao was only a hand dealing a blow. It was my desire to make them suffer that brought all that... Did you know that? Already then?"
"Will you shut up already?!" It takes Soo-ling's all strength to not shake him.
Yue-lung finally gets silent, and Soo-ling tries to calm down. He's embittered... and mad at himself. For so long, he's been wanting that Yue-lung realizes his mistakes, but now that it apparently happened, it makes him feel bad because it's so painful. Now he only wants his beloved person to be happy and never suffer again, no matter how noble that suffering might be. The thought Yue-lung spent hours with that matter tormenting him is unbearable.
"What's the point in going back to that?" he asks irritably, and then he can't stop talking, putting all conviction into his words. "We can't do a thing about what's already happened, it's no use talking about it. It's all in the past now." He gulps upon remembering the things that now only embarrass him. "Maybe I did say I would never forgive you, but... But it's what is now that matters, and now I know you're the most important man to me, regardless of anything. So don't think of that... just like I don't think. What happened happened, we can only accept it. We're only humans, so don't think so bad of yourself."
"After all that happened, you still consider me... a human?" he hears a voice that probably was supposed to be ironic, but broke in the middle... Good, for that earlier dispassionate tone was creepy, filling with terror and hurting even more.
"What else should I consider you?" Soo-ling answers at once.
Yue-lung hunches in his arms and says nothing, Soo-ling embraces him even tighter, as if he's never wanting to release him in order to keep him safe.
"Sing... Why me?" Yue-lung asks in a tiny voice; he seems to be holding back tears.
All of the sudden, Soo-ling feels like smiling. "No idea. Feelings can't be rationalized."
He has no idea why Lee Yue-lung is what he's become to him. If he were pressed for answer, he would say that it is exactly because he discovered a human in that otherwise tremendous creature. But he doesn't feel like talking about it now, so he remains silent and keeps holding his greatest treasure in his arms, happy he can do it.
They stay this way for a longer while, until the room turns completely dark. Soo-ling finally calms down; his heart beats slowly again, and his breathing is even... and despite having spent the last half an hour hugging the man he desires with all his might and can't stop thinking of even for a second. And now that he realized it, his body is on fire again and he shivers. He knows he should pull them apart... but he can't, especially when he notices that Yue-lung's fingers are clutching his T-shirt. How could he break this amazing moment of union? It seems completely impossible.
However, he remembers that such closeness can have bad results. Never before have the two of them... "Are you still with me?" he asks in a low voice, praying that the answer comes.
Fortunately, Yue-lung confirms his presence with a murmur, and Soo-ling tries to gather his thought and mark that they've just cleared yet another stage of the plan... but the memory of the goal of that plan inflames him even more. He bites his lips to suppress a moan.
"Sing..." Yue-lung whispers. "Could you say it once more?"
And for some reason Soo-ling knows at once what he's asked for. His heart fills with affection again. "I love you," he says in Yue-lung's hair, forgetting everything else.
"A saint, like I said," Yue-lung mutters, and Soo-ling is happy he can no longer hear any despair in his voice.
"Why?" he asks, more to keep up this lighter mood.
"You give so much and... do you even expect anything in return...?"
'I think it's normal in love, no?' Soo-ling thinks, but he only says, "I'll be fine with anything."
Yue-lung snorts in disapproval, but his fingers clutch at Soo-ling's clothes even tighter. The next moment, he lifts his head from his shoulder, but instead of moving away, like Soo-ling expected, he cranes up and touches his lips with his own.
Soo-ling is under the impression his heart stopped for a second and then exploded in his chest, filling it with sweet pain. Then he starts to realize what has just happened. He clenches his hands on Yue-lung's shoulders in a final attempt to contain himself, he knows he should stop it when he's still able to think because in a minute, in a second he will lose control and bring about a tragedy... but he can't push him away, he can't do a thing because Yue-lung is kissing him and Soo-ling wouldn't relinquish this moment even if his life depended on it, the current and all following ones.
He raises his hands to cup his face. His fingers are trembling, he's trembling all over, and his skin seems to be burning. He's hot and lacks air, feels dizzy and close to fainting, but he doesn't stop this kiss that is nothing more than their lips touching. He slips his fingers in Yue-lung's hair and pulls him closer. Yue-lung is shivering next to him, and Soo-ling can hear his quickened breathing. The thought of stopping it still rings in his head... but then Yue-lung opens his mouth, and there is no return.
Soo-ling gives a moan of frustration, then takes the invitation and sinks into the kiss. He has no idea what he's doing and if he's doing it right, but now he needs no ideas; it's his instinct to guide him. The mouth that meets him is hot and wet, and alive, beyond doubt. Upper lip, lower lip, tongue, inside... he gets to know and tastes them, and doesn't want to tear up from them, wants to stay here forever and remain unified. He feels so good he could as well die now and would regret nothing, but dying is the last thing he has on his mind. Why should he turn down such a delight? And that thought brings another: he wants more... even more... and he knows he can get it because Yue-lung...
He pulls their lips apart - he will never understand how he managed to do so - and gasps for air. The room is dark, so he can't see a thing, but Yue-lung seems to get it. "I'm here, Sing," he whispers. "I'm with you..."
And Soo-ling doesn't need anything else in order to hold him close and kiss him like mad, hell-bent on never stopping again because he's in paradise. He's kissing and caressing, saying the words of love over and over again... until the body in his arms suddenly loses all tension, turning into a limp mass.