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Chapter 37

A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.

Here is Chapter 37, which I'm hoping is one of the moments we've all been waiting for. I consider this chapter to be the emotional climax of the story, so be sure and tell me what you think. Normal trigger warnings apply—with a few specific comments about a sexual assault.

I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.

Olivia found her girlfriend in the bathtub, huddled up into a ball. The brunette had knocked on the bathroom door after about thirty minutes, and she'd waited for a weak voice granting her permission to enter before slowly sliding it open. "Are you ready to talk, love?"

The attorney gestured for the woman to sit on the ground next to the tub, only slightly releasing her legs from her desperate hold on them. Her eyes were red and puffy, but some color had returned to her face. "I'm sorry for lashing out, baby. I was a total ass."

"That's not what I'm here to talk about, sweetie," the detective assured the blonde, gripping onto the side of the bathtub in lieu of touching Alex. "I want to know what's going on in here." She gestured vaguely towards her skull, and Cabot sighed, biting her lip.

"Guilt," she acknowledged. "Lots of guilt. Lots of regret. Lots of 'what the fuck was I thinking bringing an unwinnable case to trial?'"

Liv knew this wasn't the bulk of what the love of her life had been dealing with alone, but it was a starting point, and she was talking now, so they were making progress. "You know, if you're guilty, I am too."

"How?"

"I didn't bring you enough evidence."

"That's not your fault, Liv," the ADA insisted, leaning forward to open up the drain of the bathtub and fill it with more hot water. She had gotten used to cold showers and baths due to the amount of time she'd spent cleaning herself in her life, but she felt she deserved to be at least somewhat physically comfortable during this process. "Sometimes there just...isn't any. Nothing that would hold up in court at least."

"You put up a good fight here," Olivia told her, hoping the younger woman would start giving herself some credit where credit was due.

The prosecutor smiled sadly, appreciating Liv's valiant attempt to make her feel better. She didn't suddenly feel like her loss was acceptable, but unlike when the brunette had earlier tried to assure her that the situation wasn't entirely her fault, she was now capable of hearing and absorbing Benson's words. "Not good enough. And now those boys will always remember who failed them."

Olivia shook her head, trying to get Alex to dig deeper into her own emotions. "Those boys will always remember who believed them. Who valued them enough to try a long shot case because that's how much they mattered to you."

"I just...I made it too personal, and that was its undoing. This case never should have gone to trial. If I can't be impartial..."

"Hey. You struggled with this one for obvious reasons. And with all the work you've been doing, your wounds are raw. It won't always be that way." Because Alex seemed more calm, Liv felt the urge to reach out and touch her, letting her fingers hover over matted, rain-soaked hair. She hesitated, noticing a twig that had likely fallen from a tree and landed in the blonde's birds' nest. "Can I wash your hair?" the older woman requested gently, barely louder than a whisper.

Cabot nodded with a soft smile. She knew her partner had been longing to comfort her in some way, and she'd really wanted to accept her advances—even from the beginning—but she'd needed to do some processing first. She had needed to allow herself to be in the cold, dark place and actually feel it, rather than completely ignoring it like she had been doing for two decades. "Yeah, I'd like that," she breathed, closing the drain and maneuvering in the bathtub so that Olivia could more easily reach her scalp before handing the woman a bottle of shampoo. "Thank you, baby," she said gratefully, receiving a hum in response.

"And there's always hope, right?" she offered after a few moments of silence, the cop beginning the process by massaging her fingers through tangled hair. "I mean, if more victims come forward. I could have another chance."

"Mhm." Liv smiled at the re-emerging optimism in her voice, and she wondered what about the alone time she had so adamantly demanded had been so powerful that it restored a sense of hope, a sense of there being a path towards the light for the blonde. "You knew three months would have been an insult to those boys. You fought for what they deserved and I'm proud of you. But can we put the case aside for a minute?" she asked, starting to rinse out the hair she'd lathered with Alex's favorite shampoo, one that she'd begun to use after smelling it on Olivia. "What do you need right now?"

The ADA sighed again, remembering one of the multiple conversations she'd been having with herself in what had become their bathroom. "Remind me that human Alex is better."

"Baby, humans make mistakes, and you're no exception. But so much of this was out of your control. It was lose/lose. You can't blame yourself for that."

"Then, why do I?"

Benson watched as her partner resituated herself in the bathtub, leaning against the ceramic lip in a more comfortable position once the detective had finished washing her hair. "Because robotic 'nothing fazes me' Alex is losing her lead against human Alex. She knows she's losing, and it's only natural for someone to fight harder when they know they're losing."

The prosecutor's eyes closed, and she really took in the other woman's words. Eventually, she reached for Olivia's arm, squeezing it as it rested inches away from her skin. "God, Liv, you really do keep me sane."

"Same here," the older of the two mused quietly. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

Alex reflected for a few seconds on whether she was ready for what she knew they were both likely craving, and she came to the conclusion that now that she'd let herself spend adequate time in the cold, dark place, feeling her feelings and allowing herself to respond naturally to the events of the day—and her entire life if she were being honest—it was time for her and Liv to reconnect. "Get in with me? I need you."

"You sure?" Liv didn't want to get her hopes up quite yet, but her body ached to be molded against her girlfriend's warm flesh, to hold her close and to just be together.

"Yeah," the younger woman confirmed. "Human Alex needs some fuel."

Olivia quickly undressed and slipped in behind Alex, the attorney settling in between her legs. She hummed into the contact as the police officer wrapped her arms around her middle and nuzzled her nose into Alex's hair. The blonde rested the back of her head against Liv's strong shoulder, and they sat together in silence for many minutes.

Alex spoke first, her forefinger tracing patterns over the hand that lied over her stomach. "I'm really sorry, Liv, for shutting you out. I just needed to be mad and figure out what I was feeling, and I knew that being close to you would just give me the warm and fuzzies."

Olivia chuckled once before sobering. "Honey, I understand why you needed that time. It's okay."

"I'm still sorry I hurt you."

"You realized you needed something, and you asked for it," she observed proudly. "I was mostly just worried about you."

Alex hummed in response. The woman she loved had obviously worried about her well-being, especially as she walked home alone in the relentless rain and unforgiving Manhattan evening, but still, something in her moral compass hadn't allowed her to push once she knew that Alex had needed space. "You're the best person I know, Olivia. It's so natural for you to respect me, you know that, right? You really don't even need to think about it. I can tell."

Benson brushed her lips against the shell of the lawyer's ear, echoing her love's hum. "I know that now."

"Please don't ever doubt yourself. You're an angel. And you're everything to me."

Liv whispered, "Ditto" thrice into Alex's ear. "How are you feeling, pain-wise?"

"A lot better than yesterday," she acknowledged, taking stock of her body and realizing that the elephant who'd previously been sitting on her back had decided to get up and walk away. Well, Alex figured, maybe there was no longer an elephant in the room. "You and hot water are my body's best friends. What about you? You had quite a day." Alex lifted her knees and planted her feet at the bottom of the bathtub, making it easier for Liv to wrap her arms around the ADA's entire body, a hand resting on her right knee.

The detective squeezed her closer. "I'm better now that you're in my arms."

"Olivia Benson," Cabot swooned theatrically, "what a romantic!"

Benson's fingers traveled over her kneecap and landed on the inside of her thigh, scratching gently against wet skin. The younger woman placed her hand over the brunette's after a moment, and Liv stopped her movements. "This too much, Al?"

Alex shook her head. "No, I just...I'm not quite ready for sex, I don't think, but I was wondering if you'd be willing to touch me. I'd hold your hand so you don't have to worry about doing anything before I'm ready."

Liv's fingers twitched against her skin, and the blonde felt her inhale deeply. "But only if you want to," Alex decided to add. "No pressure. We're just connecting, and I feel safe, so I thought—"

The detective could tell the woman she loved wanted a break from talking. Olivia decided she would bring the topic up again if it didn't come up organically—Alex had clearly cited needing to be angry as the reason for requesting space, so there seemed to be something left unsaid, or it was possible she just wasn't yet ready to talk about it. Either way, Olivia could sense in the relaxed stance of her body that she wasn't purposefully avoiding discussion; it was quite the opposite actually: she was inviting vulnerability and intimacy into the conversation, into the water with the two of them.

"You don't have to explain yourself, sweetie. I just want to be sure you're in a better place before we consider doing something like this."

Cabot hummed. "I'm good, Liv. I've really gotten some clarity today, which I want to talk about, but first, I want some quiet and some intimacy—as long as you're up for it." She rested the palm of her hand over the back of Olivia's, interlacing their fingers and squeezing lightly. "But it's your call. You need to be comfortable with it too."

Olivia had ached for this for months, but in this moment, when it came down to it, it was important to her that she involved her head as much as her heart—or any other body part for that matter. When Alex squeezed her hand again, she came to the abrupt realization that her partner was comforting her, instead of the other way around, which mere weeks ago would have completely freaked her out, but now—as their joined hands wandered aimlessly in the depths of the bathwater—it felt unbelievably right. It was as Kimani had said, they would do this together.

It was a slow descent to the apex of her thighs, and when Olivia first consciously felt the ghosting of pubic hair against her skin, she kissed her ear once again. "Whenever you're ready," she prompted the younger woman, who she could feel smile.

Alex squeezed her hand again, and then in one quick movement, she rested their combined ten fingers over her most vulnerable area, earning a gasp from both of them. The prosecutor inhaled slowly and then exhaled, the only sounds in the room their synchronized breathing.

The moment was magical, and though a base part of Alex felt the urge to thrust her hips into the touch, she held back—safety was paramount. "You can, you can move your hand if you want." She held her breath, unsure of how she wanted her girlfriend to respond.

"Al, I'm not comfortable doing that in a position where I can't look at your face. Do you want to get out?"

"No, no, it's okay. I'm not in a rush. We have time. Your boundaries matter too, sweetie. You have to remember that." Alex squeezed her fingers around the ones that rested carefully over sensitive skin, lifting the hand to her lips and pressing a lingering kiss to the palm before wrapping the set of arms around her middle. "And even though I feel better now, I know today isn't a good day to go farther," she realized.

"I love you," Liv whispered into her neck.

"I love you too." It was quiet for a few seconds before the ADA'S body shook with a forceful sob.

"Sweetheart?"

"I'm okay, Liv. I..." Alex knew it was time to discuss the more painful conversation she'd been having with herself, and it was forcing itself out of her with each unasked-for tear that fell from her eyes. "I just, I'm feeling a lot right now. I've never allowed myself to give in to my emotions, but now, with you, everything just bubbles to the surface immediately."

"There's nothing wrong with that, love. You have to let yourself feel what you're feeling. You can cry. It's okay."

"I'm not sad. I mean, I'm sad about the verdict," she corrected herself, "but I'm also relieved that it's over, you know?"

"Mhm." Olivia pressed her lips into Alex's hair, letting them linger as she cooed softly in comfort, the younger woman continuing to cry quietly. "I've got you, honey. Just let it all out." Eventually, the lawyer's breathing evened again. "Do you think you can share a little bit about this anger you've been processing?"

Cabot bobbed her head up and down, preparing to share the details of her time in the rain. "I've been having a hard time, in extra pain, not sleeping, awful anxiety, and I thought it was because of this trial." Liv encouraged her to continue with a loving hum and a soft kiss. "But I realized after the verdict that yesterday was the anniversary of Pastor Paul."

Alex felt the brunette's breath seize for an extended moment. "What has it been, eighteen years?"

"Yeah. It sounds so far away, but sometimes it feels like it really was yesterday. He left me there alone, you know. I cleaned myself up, the pew. I limped home and got into the bathtub. I scrubbed every inch of my body raw, and I just cried. For hours. The water got so cold. Sometimes I still feel like that little girl, like I'm just cleaning up mess after mess after mess. I know I did the best I could with the case, but I hate that my best wasn't enough. I don't want those boys to turn out like I did. I don't want them to be empty, alone, scared to get close to anyone. For eighteen years, I blamed myself. I shouldn't have been gay. I should have fought him. I should have ran. But Olivia, I was a baby!" She stood up, rage building inside her. "I was a baby, just like the boys. Someone should have been protecting me! I guess it was always just easier to hate myself than to accept there was nothing I could have done to stop it from happening. But now I have this image in my mind of those kids crying in their mothers' arms and D'Agostino walking out of that courtroom like nothing ever happened, and I'm so angry." She stepped out of the tub, shivering, Olivia on her heels. "I'm angry about the time I lost. I'm angry at my parents. I'm so fucking angry at Pastor Paul and Tammy. I'm angry at what they took from me. And I thought, I thought if I could get these kids justice, maybe, just maybe they wouldn't have to go through what I did." Alex had never expressed such vitriol towards her abusers before. It was an intense moment, but it was clearly more of a breakthrough than a breakdown.

"Sweetie, they're going to be okay," she promised the other woman, handing her a towel to wrap around herself, wanting to address her immediate concerns first. "They're going to get help. Huang is referring them to a specialist. They won't be alone in this."

"This shouldn't have happened," Alex raged, her eyes boring into Olivia's understanding chocolate orbs. The brunette had been the one angry all this time, and Cabot wondered if she was relieved now that prosecutor concurred. "They should have been safe. I should have been safe. I didn't deserve that. I didn't do anything wrong."

The cop offered her partner a sad smile, the significance of the moment not lost on her. She stepped forward, not daring to touch her, but leaving minimal space between herself and Alex's heaving chest. "No, my love, you didn't."

"I deserve to hate them," she allowed herself, emotion building in the resolute tone of her voice. "I don't deserve to hate myself. And I deserve to forgive myself for the time I spent making excuses for everyone but the one person who wasn't at fault."

Liv couldn't resist the tears that came to her eyes as she slowly lifted up a hand. "Can I?" she asked.

Alex nodded, an eerie calm coming over her. "Yeah."

Benson let her hand smooth over blonde hair, before using ten fingers to cradle her face, bringing her in for a kiss to her forehead, nose, and then lips.

"This feels big, Liv."

"This is big."

"I spent so long being angry at the wrong person," she lamented. "I just don't know where to go from here."

"We go forward, sweetheart." Olivia pulled the younger woman into her arms, relieved to find that she was ready to accept affection and comfort. "We go forward from here."

A/N: Thank you for reading, and I'd really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Eight chapters left!