She wasn't like Oliver. She didn't have the commanding presence or the natural charisma or that take no shit attitude that came from a lifetime of adversity and having to fight.

She was thoughtful, intellectual. She could be firm when she needed, but her real strength was in her ability to make even the most stubborn and warped individuals see her perspective. Quietly persuasive and remarkably calm under pressure. Annabelle was not Oliver, but she was a strong leader with a vision for her community that she aimed to make reality. She was exactly the kind of person who could stand against Greyback's rhetoric.

She was also careful. She had a select few people that she trusted, and Remus was not one of them. After two weeks in the compound, he had not managed to have a single meaningful conversation with her. She was almost never alone. He'd been making some progress, friendly small talk at the group dinners, participating in the meetings just enough to make it clear that his views aligned with hers. Still, it was evident that this would take time.

This was not like any of the other packs he'd been to. Annabelle had been turned in her early twenties, after she had completed her education at Beauxbatons. She'd moved to Wales after inheriting some land from a relative, which is where her attack took place. That land now served as a sort of commune for lycanthropes. There were rules, structure. People stayed in huts and barracks as opposed to tents and trailers. They grew their own food, helped with chores. With Annabelle's magical training and the aid of a few other wand carrying lycanthropes (a considerable rarity) they were able to create extensive wards. The land was highly secure, making for very low risk transformations.

It was a comparative utopia after the places he'd been.

He did not feel comfortable there at all.

There wasn't the same sort of substance abuse that he was so used to in these places, and for that he was grateful. It meant he at least stood a chance at staying clean. Annabelle didn't much seem to care what people did, but she loathed chaos. Speed and opiates had a tendency to breed chaos. They also couldn't be made on site, meaning they necessitated outside involvement. These were things that would not be tolerated in the commune. Any violation of the rules would result in banishment. At least, it would if you were stupid enough to make it a problem for Annabelle. There was plenty of weed and alcohol around, so unfortunately he still had to exert a great deal of self control to keep away from those.

Everything felt out of whack. His usual undercover persona was not useful here. Whilst they did have plenty of people who first arrived in a rough state, hostility and violence were a fast way to get kicked out permanently. If Remus wanted to really fit in, really appeal to Annabelle and gain her as an ally, he was best served by being a little more like himself. Studied, reasonable, friendly. It made it so much harder to keep the separation that he had come to rely on to cope with the pressure of being undercover.

It was also boring. He kind of hated himself for feeling that, but he was so used to spending these missions constantly on edge and that feeling hadn't gone away. He kept expecting some grand display of violence to disrupt the peace, but it never did, and he felt like he was losing his mind with the monotony.

He needed to get high. He needed a drink.

"What are you being all mopey about?" said a young man with short, bleached blonde hair as he sat down next to Remus by the garden.

"I'm not moping, I'm thinking. You should give it a try sometime, Andy, if you're capable," Remus teased.

"None of that for me thanks. Empty head, full heart, hot body, that's my life philosophy," said Andy in his relaxed Australian drawl, lying down and propping himself up on one arm to face Remus.

"Interesting idea, but I've tried the empty head thing and I'm not capable of achieving it through natural means," Remus quipped.

"Oh, that's what you're being so uptight about. You're in one of your little woe is me sobriety moods," said Andy with a knowing nod.

Remus had been determined to keep his issues under wraps on the mission. It was a vulnerability, and those were not good things to have. That plan had fallen apart quite quickly. It was routine for meals to be held in a barn like structure that served as the kitchen and dining area. Large group meals where the homebrewed alcohol tended to flow easily. Every night people would offer him a drink or several. Nobody bothered him when he said no, but with each passing night he was finding it harder and harder not to say yes. Eventually he snapped and confessed that he was in recovery just to get them to stop. It was clear by that point that nobody was likely to care, anyway. He wasn't the only one. The nature of the commune meant that most of the people there were leaving behind some sort of troubled past, so Remus being newly clean right as he showed up made a fair bit of sense to the others.

Andy liked to tease him about it, but Remus noticed he also kept an eye on him when liquor and other substances were flowing. He seemed to have a strangely good sense for when he was struggling.

"Now I'm in one of my 'woe is me this annoying guy keeps following me around like a puppy dog' moods," said Remus with a sideways glance.

"Now there's a thought worth having. If I roll over, would you rub my belly?" he asked as he rolled onto his back, putting his hands behind his head.

It was such a painfully Sirius move that Remus was almost surprised when he didn't actually turn into a dog afterwards.

"Down boy," Remus countered as he stood up and headed back towards the barracks. He wasn't important enough to warrant a private cabin.

"You can't resist me forever!" Andy called out, still laying in the sun.

Remus kept walking. He liked Andy. For the most part he was nothing like Sirius. He was easy going, probably to a fault. Conflict just rolled off him and he didn't much care about anything other than living day to day and enjoying his natural surroundings. Remus couldn't even imagine him in a fight. Every now and then, though, when he was turning on that flirty charm of his, he reminded Remus so much of how Sirius had been in school that he couldn't help but ache a little.

It made him miss Sirius terribly. It made him miss how they used to be together. He'd been trying not to think about Sirius when he could avoid it.

Andy had taken a shine to him from the moment he arrived. They were a similar age, similar humor. Mostly he figured Andy was just bored. He didn't mean anything by the flirting. Besides, any and all distractions were welcome, even if he could get a little much at times. He knew when to back off, so it wasn't too bad.

He made his way to the little makeshift dining hall. He was surprised when he found Annabelle sitting in there alone. In the weeks since he'd been there, this was the first time he'd been near her without her entourage around.

She looked up from her food as he entered and smiled politely. He did the same. With all the time he had spent in filthy, violent places with the all the worst the world had to offer, somehow, he found it harder to approach Annabelle than he ever had any of the others. He'd been friendly with Oliver from day one. Even the ones he hated, the worst of the worst, he still knew how to talk to them. He wondered what that said about him.

She seemed put off when he sat at the table with her, giving him an inquiring look.

"Sorry to bother you," he said. "I'm just a little bored and felt like talking, but I'll leave you be if you prefer."

She looked him up and down appraisingly. She was a striking woman. Thick dark hair, rich brown eyes, three scars that looked like claw marks that ran side by side down her right cheek. He felt as if she was picking him apart.

"You're a very polite young man," she said in her heavy French accent. "How 'ave you been finding your time 'ere?"

He paused for a moment, thinking. "I've spent a lot of time in different packs, moving around, trying to find somewhere I could stand to stay for more than a month. I've never found a place like this before. I can't imagine how you make it all work," he said, playing up his sense of awe, though he didn't have to try too hard. She really had created something remarkable.

"Can't you?" she asked with a quirk of her eyebrow. "You are very polite to me, but I see you with the others. Sometimes you're a fighter. Sometimes you are a bit of a fool. I think you are very good at being whoever you need to be for whoever is right in front of you. I think you understand more than you want to show."

He felt a chill run up his spine at the small, knowing smile that ghosted across her face. When he didn't say anything, she continued.

"I am not so good at being anyone else, but I am very good at seeing the truth in others. It makes it easier to keep the peace, you understand? That is how I can 'ave a place like this. Tell me, why do you pretend you do not 'ave a wand?" she asked as if it were an intriguing little game to her.

He felt his heart rate rising and resisted the urge to reach for where he kept his wand hidden. The adrenaline was starting to come. Part of the wards they had around the compound were anti-dissapperation. If the time came where he needed to get out, it would be with a fight.

"Why would you think that?" he asked with a convincing calm.

"Most of the people here look with amazement and jealousy when they see me use my wand. You do not 'ave either of those things. You watch like someone who knows what they are looking at."

He could tell in that moment that she was not fishing for him to confirm a suspicion. She was already certain. She just wanted to see how he responded.

"I've found it's best to be underestimated. If they know what you can do, they know how to fight it. How to hurt you," he answered carefully.

"You've been in some bad places, but this is not one. Who is 'they' that you speak of? It's 'they' who I am trying to keep out of this community. If you 'ave to fear them 'ere, then I am not doing my job," she said officiously.

"What about the people outside of this community?"

"What do I care about the people outside? They are not my problem," she said dismissively.

"How can you build a place like this if you don't care?" he asked, trying his best to sound more curious than probing.

"I don't much like to be alone and the rest of the world will not 'ave me. I make this place for me, not for you. Remember that. You interest me but if you cross a line, you will not be allowed to come back," she said with a vague sort of smile.

She stood up, leaving the rest of her food on the plate. She walked away, not looking back as she left Remus sitting alone.

He lay in bed, unable to sleep. He didn't know what the fuck to feel. His conversation with Annabelle left him rattled. He'd been almost tempted to leave, to go back to Dumbledore and inform him he was no longer confident in his cover. It was always the intention to eventually extend an offer to Annabelle from the Order, but he had hoped to have control over how he approached that. To be able to determine for himself how to reveal his purpose. He had no idea what was going through her head, but he felt out of control.

It had been a few days, and he had been watching her carefully from a distance. She smiled at him every time she saw him, but they hadn't spoken again. Hadn't been alone together. He was starting to feel like he was a pawn in some game she was playing, only he couldn't see any of the other pieces. He couldn't even see the board. He didn't get the sense that there was anything malicious behind it or even that she was suspicious of him, which is why he decided to finish out his time. Still, he didn't like the feeling like he was being assessed. Like she was waiting for him to fuck up in some spectacular way. Waiting for the threads to unravel around him. He couldn't have this mission be a failure. Not after everything that happened with Sirius and Dumbledore.

It had him on edge. A sharp, painful edge that he desperately longed to dull.

He crawled out of his bottom bunk, trying to be silent, not wake any of the others. He pulled on his coat and shoes, making his way out into the night. The half moon and the stars were enough to cast light on a cloudless night out in the countryside.

He sat with his back against the little fence that surrounded the vegetable garden, looking up at the stars. His head whipped around, hand already making its way to his wand, when he saw Andy. Or rather, Andy's bright hair reflecting in the moonlight.

"Whoa there, buddy, you seem a little jumpy," he joked as a walked over and sat himself down cross-legged opposite Remus.

"What are you doing up?" asked Remus tiredly.

"You woke me with all your shuffling around," he said with mock anger, jabbing a finger towards Remus' chest. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"A duel to the death seems the only fair solution," Remus deadpanned.

"That sound like it would take effort, which you well know is my one weakness. Well played," he said with a nod.

"Fair enough. I don't have my pistols on me anyway. You might as well just go back to bed," said Remus pointedly.

"And why are you so desperate to be alone?"

"I was just enjoying some silence. Haven't had much of it since I met you," he said, pulling his coat tighter around himself. "It's nice country out here. Reminds me of when I was little."

"So, where the fuck are you from, anyway?" asked Andy. "I've been wondering."

"Why do you care?"

"I keep trying to figure out the accent. I've been in the UK a while now, but I still can't place it. You're ever the man of mystery," he said with a wink.

Remus laughed a little. He got this question every now and then.

"I'm from here, actually. Wales. It's where my mother was from. We left when I was five, spent the next few years traveling all around before settling in Northern England when I was ten, where my dad's from." Then went to school with a bunch of posh kids, but probably best to keep the details of his education vague. "What part of New Zealand are you from?"

Remus was very satisfied when a rare look of annoyance passed across Andy's face. He grabbed a handful of grass and dirt, throwing it at Remus who managed to raise his hand up just in time to block his face.

"How dare you compare me to a Kiwi! New Zealand is basically just an Australian state, hardly worthy of being their own country," he declared.

Remus just smiled. He'd asked Andy a few times how he ended up in Wales. Every time he was met with a different, wild tale. Whatever he'd left behind in Australia, he didn't seem inclined to talk about it. It was obvious that he missed it, even though he tried to pretend otherwise.

"So why are you sneaking out in the middle of the night, Rey?" he asked abruptly.

"I told you, couldn't sleep."

"Oh yeah, sure. It's just I saw you talking to Reggie earlier, hanging around his cabin," he said lightly.

Remus' face dropped, an immediate stone mask. "What business is it of yours who I talk to?"

"Hey, man, I'm just looking out," he said casually.

"Don't. You don't know me and whatever ideas you have in your dim head about us, it's not mutual. I've told you too many times, Andy, learn some fucking boundaries," said Remus icily as he stood up.

Andy stood too, stepping around to block Remus' path as he went to walk away. He reached out a hand towards Remus, who batted it away. Andy smiled a little, like it was a game. Remus went to walk away again, but Andy grabbed hold of his coat. The ensuing scuffle was over quickly, with Remus managing to not only pull away from his grip but knock Andy to the ground.

"Stay the fuck away from me," he said as Andy pushed himself back up.

"You don't want this back?" Andy asked as Remus walked away.

He turned back to see a now standing, nonchalant Andy holding up a bottle, waving it slightly in Remus' direction. It was a small, glass coke bottle with the label long since faded and torn. It was filled with a clear liquid.

Remus reached down into his coat pockets, kicking at the ground and swearing when he realized they were now empty.

"You know, I'm pretty thirsty myself," said Andy as he unscrewed the lid.

Remus watched on, thankful for the false sense of security the darkness gave him. Wishing he could just disappear from sight altogether. Andy took a swig from the bottle, almost immediately coughing and spluttering.

"Fuck me, Reggie really does know how to brew a mean batch. That'll strip your stomach. Hey, you want some?" he asked cheerfully, holding the bottle back out to Remus.

He stared at it a moment, then looked back up at Andy, putting his hands back in his pockets.

"It's none of your business," said Remus, not quite able to keep the guilt out of his voice.

"No? I was just under the impression you were sober, but my bad if I got it wrong. Just trying to be a mate," he said, stepping closer, still holding the bottle out.

Remus took a step back. "Fine, I get it, okay? Just keep it."

Andy retracted his arm, nodding at Remus with a relaxed smile. He turned the bottle over, tipping the contents out onto the grass. Even in the open air, Remus could smell the strong chemical scent of the moonshine. When it was empty, Andy put it in his own coat pocket. Annabelle did not tolerate littering.

Andy walked back over to the garden fence, sitting down. He looked back to Remus and pat the ground beside him. Remus sighed. He walked over and sat down, pulling his knees up and resting his arms on them.

"I didn't drink anything. Not yet."

"Yeah I figured. Still full. Good for you because it's truly heinous stuff," Andy said, leaning back into the fence.

"It's just been a weird few days."

"Whatever, dude. I'm not trying to guilt you, I just don't want to see you go off the rails. You said you used to be into the hardcore shit and if you start back up on smack Annabelle will send you off without a return ticket," he said breezily, no hint of judgement.

Remus side eyed him, trying his best to get a read. Andy had been nothing but friendly. Sometimes too friendly. He'd been there for nearly a year before Remus arrived, yet didn't seem to have any real friendships. In a few weeks, he'd spent more time with Remus than anyone else there. It made him nervous. It made him nervous how much he liked having him around.

"What does it matter to you if she does?" he asked suspiciously.

"What, are you stupid?" he asked with a laugh. "How many young, hot, gay guys do you think show up in this fucking place? Let alone someone I actually like. I figured you were just playing hard to get, but maybe you're actually an idiot because I really wasn't trying for subtlety."

"I never said anything about being gay," said Remus, suddenly very aware of how close Andy was.

"You didn't need to," said Andy, turning so that he was facing Remus, supporting his weight on a hand placed very close to his thigh.

"It's never going to happen, Andy."

He laughed again but stopped when Remus' face remained impassive. "Oh, come on. I get you're having fun with the whole pretending you're not into me thing, but I know when someone likes me. What the hell are you so freaked out about? Are you secretly married? Wife and kids out in the suburbs somewhere?" he joked. "You're out here with no friends or family, trying not spend your free time getting wasted alone in the night. Well, if you want to feel good for a while, I know some healthier ways to make that happen," he said with a smirk.

No, he wasn't married. But he may as well be. He had a partner (who he was growing to resent more every day.) A home (that he was dreading returning to.) Fuck he needed a drink. Something much stronger than a drink. Andy was right, he desperately wanted, no, needed to feel good for even a moment.

He knew he was making a mistake even as he did it. Felt an overwhelming shame coursing through his body as he leaned over, grabbing Andy's shirt and pulling him forward.

When Andy kissed him, it felt so, so good.

They were on the ground, Andy on top of him. His hands were on his chest, mouth on his neck. It was intoxicating in just the way he was looking for. Things were heating up very fast. Remus' coat was off, tossed to the side. Andy's shirt unbuttoned. His hand undoing Remus' fly.

"Stop," Remus almost shouted, pushing Andy off him.

He sat up, shuffling back in quick motion. Andy reached out to him, desperately confused.

"Rey, what-"

"No, just stop, please," he said, out of breath.

Andy pulled his hand away. "Did I do something wrong?"

For the first time since Remus had met him, he looked upset. Vulnerable. Hurt. Remus felt horrible. It wasn't his fault, he had no way to know what a terrible person Remus was. He hadn't done anything wrong, but he had to suffer the consequences of Remus' stupid, selfish choices just like every other person who had ever cared about him. He was never going to be better, no matter how hard he tried.

"It's not you. I just- I'm sorry, okay?" He stood up, picking up his coat, turning away as he redid his fly. "I'm going to bed."

Andy didn't follow as he walked back to the barracks. When he got there, he climbed into his bunk without even taking off his coat or shoes. He pulled the blanket over his head, silent tears streaming down his face.

He was pathetic. Weak. A piece of shit. How could he have ever judged Sirius? At least his betrayal had been out of love. The worst bit was he was completely sober. There was nothing and no one to blame but his own failings.

A little while later he heard the sound of a door opening and closing, footsteps making their way quietly to Andy's bunk. They paused for a moment as they passed by Remus, but continued on.

The next day he didn't get out of bed. He hadn't slept a wink, but he kept his eyes shut as everyone else got up and headed off to breakfast. It was well into the afternoon before anybody came to check on him. When he heard the door opening, he just rolled over to face the wall and closed his eyes again.

He felt the weight of someone sitting on the edge of the bunk.

"People were wondering why you weren't helping out with chores. I told them you're sick," said Andy apprehensively. "Come on, Rey, I know you're awake."

Remus opened his eyes but continued facing the wall.

"You don't need to cover for me," he said.

"You could try saying thanks, maybe."

"Thanks."

Andy sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face. "Look, let's just forget last night, alright? I misread the situation. You're not into me, my ego's not that big, dude, I'll cope," he said with a forced flippancy.

Remus turned around, sitting up. He pressed his back against the wall, facing Andy. Once again, he was so close.

"That's not the problem," he said softly.

"Then what is?"

Remus looked at him for a moment. "I really, really fucking hate myself. I'm not a good person, Andy. And I'm not staying here forever. I can't give you what you want."

"And you know what the fuck I want? If there's one thing I've learned from this shitty existence, Rey, it's that I couldn't care less about concepts like 'past' and 'future.' We don't really know each other and neither of us want to be here, but here we are. Whatever you want to do with that is fine, just tell me," he said earnestly.

"What I want to do, right now, more than anything, is heroin. That's what I want," he admitted.

"You want to get fucked up, I won't stop you this time."

Remus leaned forward. He kissed Andy, slow and deep. When he pulled away Andy was looking at him questioningly, wanting to know that Remus was sure. Remus gave him a small nod.

He didn't let himself think this time as Andy crawled into the bed with him. He focused on the sensations, on the feel of Andy's body. On the things he very skillfully did to Remus' body.

No past. No future.

Not until he had to go home two weeks later. Until he had to be himself again. Rey knew how to adapt to whatever the moment called for. He wasn't Rey when he saw Sirius again, though.

Sirius had been wrong. He'd managed to stay clean and sober the entire mission. A resounding success.