Chapter 26: Idiot

The weeks that Hinata moved in with him were the happiest of Naruto's life. He loved having her in the apartment, her presence dispelling all the old ghosts of his lonely past. She was there to welcome him home and to share his meals, to talk to before going to bed. The nights, she was there to love, to kiss, and to hold.

But he soon came to dread the mornings when she left for her missions, imagining her getting hurt and never coming home. While Hinata had recovered from her brush with death, had even managed to happily report to the Hokage the following week, Naruto found himself frozen with fear whenever he came home to an empty apartment. Every time he heard her turn the key and safely return home, he would breathe a sigh of relief. He needed to calm down before he could compose his face into a welcoming smile and go out to meet her at the entrance.

Hinata had sensed his unease and had tried to make him feel better, teasing him out of his funks, which made him feel even worse. He felt impotent, unable to do anything to keep her safe. She'd kissed his fears away, but they always came back every time she left the apartment or left Konoha to report for duty.

It wore on him, so he went to Shikamaru for help, thinking maybe that since he was the Hokage's assistant, he could do something to lessen Hinata's load.

But to his surprise, Shikamaru only looked at him with a serious look on his face.

"Shikamaru, so you think you can help me out?" he wheedled. "Maybe you can just give her the easy ones where she won't run into too much trouble."

"Naruto, stop," Shikamaru said with a shake of his head. "Do you realize what you're doing? This isn't right."

He felt guilty, but Naruto kept the smile on his face and his tone light. "Yeah, I know I probably shouldn't use my pull with you guys since you're a friend and the Hokage's my former captain, but I just want to make sure Hinata doesn't get hurt."

"That's not what I meant."

Naruto frowned, then glared at Shikamaru. "Look, if it was Temari, you'd probably be doing the same thing."

Shikamaru's gaze was hard. "No, I wouldn't. She doesn't need me to do anything for her. I trust her. Temari can handle herself. Think, Naruto. What are you doing to Hinata?"

But Naruto was mulish. "Shikamaru, I just want to make sure she's okay! Why can't you just help me out?"

Shikamaru only shook his head at him. "You're being the biggest pain in the ass right now. You're disrespecting Hinata and you don't even realize it."

"I'm not! I'm doing what a man should be doing for his woman! She needs to be protected."

"Naruto, you're not getting it."

"Shikamaru, you're the one who's not getting it! All you have to do is just not put her into harm's way. It's such a simple thing!" Naruto yelled.

Shikamaru looked at him for a long time. Then he walked away without another word, leaving Naruto angry and frustrated that nobody seemed to understand what he was feeling. If Shikamaru wasn't going to help him, he would have to talk to Kakashi directly, then.

Hinata was supposed to meet him for dinner after they both ended their missions that day, but she was late. Naruto made his way towards the tower knowing that she was probably just finishing her report with the Hokage.

He found her at the steps talking to Shikamaru. Her back was to him but Shikamaru had noticed him. His expression tightened but he continued chatting with Hinata.

Shit. He had an idea of what the conversation was about. Damn Shikamaru for ratting him out! He didn't think his friend would be the type. He didn't interrupt them but he glared at the Hokage's assistant.

Hinata then nodded and lifted a hand to wave good-bye. Shikamaru smiled briefly at her then left without a backward glance at him.

She finally turned around and gave a start when she saw him standing there. Her luminous smile was missing. He saw that her jaw was clenched. She was angry, then.

He waited for her to get near, bracing himself.

"Naruto, did you talk to Shikamaru about me? About my missions in the future?"

"Yes, I did."

"Why?"

"Because I want to protect you."

"I respect your feelings, but in the future, please don't do that. I think I can handle myself." She tried to smile at him, but he saw that it took so much effort to do it.

"Yes, I know that, Hinata, but I just wanted to help you."

"You can do that by not going straight to Shikamaru. You could've talked to me first."

"I tried a couple times but you're so stubborn about the subject."

"You did, and I'm sorry."

But her eyes were begging him to understand as she continued, "Naruto, really, I'm fine. It was that one incident. I'm safe now, right? What's the problem? This really has nothing to do with you."

Naruto recoiled in surprise. He couldn't help his frustration boiling over at her words. He shouted angrily at her, "Nothing to do with me?! Hinata, you almost died! How is that not going to affect me?!"

Hinata shook her head and tried to apologize. She laid a hand on his arm, but he shrugged her off and backed away a step. She was shaken but she left it at that and didn't try to touch him again.

Instead, she took a breath and started again. "Naruto, I'm really sorry, I was angry and I chose the wrong words. I meant to say that it happened during work when I wasn't with you."

Naruto felt like screaming some more, but she was trying to be calm, so he needed to make an effort for her. Unfortunately, his feelings were boiling over and the words left him without thought. "That's exactly my point! Hinata, I'm just trying to protect you! Why can't you understand that?! I don't want you to die."

She nodded. "I understand how you feel more than you think, Naruto, but just don't get in the way again by going to Shikamaru, that's all I'm asking you to do."

"I'm your boyfriend! I have the right to do it!"

"Not with my job, Naruto!"

He sputtered again with surprise. Why was she refusing to see his point?! Naruto glared at her, mute with irritation.

Hinata sighed, but the frown she shot him was fierce. "Don't do it again, please. I love you, but I'll be damned if I let you interfere with my shinobi duties!"

Exasperated, Naruto raked his fingers through his hair. "Hinata! Why are you being so stubborn?! You can still go on the missions. I'm not doing anything wrong by asking them to give you the easier ones, where you won't get so badly hurt."

Something changed in her, making her lose control as she came up to him in one angry stride. Her voice was hard as her eyes blazed furiously at him. "Naruto, damn it! I am not helpless! I am not a burden! I am not! I don't need to be protected all the time."

She stopped, took a deep breath as she saw him folding his arms and continuing to glare at her. She was shaking as she continued, "I'm shinobi! I can die at any moment because I've accepted that. It's the path I've chosen for my life! I've made my peace with that and you need to do the same."

His jaw was tight. "Hinata, that was before we were together. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to go through that again."

Her hands fisted at her sides, trying to gain control of herself, but he could see that she was losing it.

"How do you think I felt all those years when I watched you willingly put yourself in danger?! All the time," she said, and her voice cracked with fury and despair. "But I never once doubted you, Naruto. Never. I believed in you every time because that's who you are."

Damn it! That was a whole different issue! They were talking about her, not him. Naruto shut his mouth and resolutely folded his arms. He had nothing to say to her if she was going to continue this way.

Hinata shook her head as she took in his posture. "You won't even try to understand my point?"

She stepped back and looked at him. And the lights died in her eyes. Then she took a deep breath and released it slowly. But he heard a catch in her breath as emotions overwhelmed her. With a final look of pleading, she said, "Don't clip my wings, Naruto."

She turned and walked away from him. He saw her shoulders slump and a hand come up to her face. Probably to wipe away the tears from her eyes.

He watched her go, still vibrating with anger, unwilling to concede the point. Why couldn't she understand his need to protect her?! He didn't want her getting hurt, he couldn't stand the thought. He just wanted her to stay alive.

He was Naruto. He'd fought countless enemies and survived. He was going to protect her, damn it! No matter what.

But she kept on walking and never looked back.

He sighed when she disappeared from his view so he went to Ichiraku on his own. He ate dinner listlessly, feeling bad that he wasn't doing the ramen justice. Then he got up and walked back to the apartment, where the lights weren't on and it felt so...empty.

Naruto gave an angry huff. He walked back out, on his way to the Hyuuga house, where she was probably still sulking. But something told him that she wasn't there so he turned on his sage mode to check. He couldn't find a trace of her chakra in her home.

He turned away with a frown, still with his sage mode on. And then he felt it, a dim light in the darkness. She was at the cemetery, with Neji.

He should have known. He cursed, still irritated with her. Now she was going to make him go pick her up. His steps quickened, however. He didn't like the idea of her being out in the dark this late by herself.

Hinata sprawled on the grass in front of Neji's grave. She'd cried her heart out, let everything spill from her, and now she was exhausted. She didn't feel like moving so she kept her cheek pressed against the cool earth. Her arms lay on the dewy grass, which helped cool her emotions down.

Being with Neji helped her feel a little bit better. She recalled the memories when they'd trained together, remembered the smile that her cousin had always bestowed on her when she'd accomplished her goals. She searched her memories for Shikamaru's proud smile, for the Hokage's eyes beaming at her with approval. She tried to desperately cling to them.

But it was no use as all she could see was Naruto's hard face, doggedly refusing to believe she could handle herself.

Hinata sighed again. She just wanted to stay here for the night even as concern for Naruto was running through her mind. She should probably get up and go home, but she didn't move. Part of her just didn't want to give a damn, to let him stew in his anger and his idiocy.

Tonight, she would cry. Tomorrow she would pull up her pants and deal with whatever bullshit she needed to handle. But tonight, she just wanted catharsis.

Naruto completely doubting her abilities had rocked her, had let the old doubts of her childhood flood into her, destroying the confidence she'd worked so hard to build. She thought she'd gotten past that stage, that she was done bowing to the pressure of feeling useless and so coddled. But the fact that Naruto hadn't trusted her abilities had made her feel hopeless again, had made her feel like the helpless little girl she'd once been.

And she hated herself, and resented him, for feeling it again. She tried to steel her heart, but pain was lodged there. She didn't want to suffer through it. So she closed her eyes and breathed deeply, until she felt calm, until she felt the dark claim her, felt herself drifting to sleep, to oblivion so she can forget how much it hurt to have the one person she loved so much in this world lose his faith in her.

Naruto saw Hinata's body slumped on the grass and felt panic welling in him.

"Hinata!" he yelled as he gathered her body into his arms and shook her awake, completely forgetting that he had sage mode and beast mode to check whether she was dead or not. All he saw was a lifeless Hinata and he couldn't deal with it.

Kurama had to clunk him hard on the head. "She's alive, you idiot!"

Ouch, Kurama! That freaking hurt! You didn't need to hit me that hard!

"You're lucky I only did it lightly! I should just take all your chakra away from you because you don't deserve it!" Kurama growled, completely angry at him. "The poor girl."

Naruto was about to argue some more but Hinata stirred and opened her eyes, saw him, and a blank mask instantly covered her face.

He wanted to hug her and ask her forgiveness for whatever it was that he'd done, but she flinched and drew back from his touch. She huddled into herself, drawing her body into a tighter ball.

An intense shaft of pain pierced his heart.

Hinata, the sweetest person in the world, didn't want to be touched by him, had rejected his loving embrace.

Yes, it was official now: he was the biggest, fucking idiot in the world.

It hadn't been her earlier words that had affected him, it was the physical act of her drawing back away from him that finally made him realize the wrong he'd done her.

Naruto knew he never wanted to see the look of pain he'd just seen in her eyes ever again. He finally understood why she was so angry at him, but it wasn't really anger. It was hurt—hurt that he'd lost his faith in her.

He, Naruto, who'd taken Hinata's unwavering belief in him for granted, and had relied so much on her strength for most of his life, had withheld his own faith in her. He'd undermined her by talking to Shikamaru, had unknowingly discredit her skills as a shinobi, and hadn't trusted her enough to handle herself in times of danger.

His head had been so far up his ass in his own arrogance that he'd ignored her pleas to understand her. He'd been focused too much on his own need to protect her that he hadn't thought about her feelings on this issue. Even as she'd spoken earlier to him, Naruto hadn't really listened, hadn't heard her. Instead, he'd pouted at her for being so dense in not understanding his feelings, when it was actually the opposite. He'd ignored her need to be valued as a capable shinobi, a warrior who'd faced death and survived.

"I'm sorry! Hinata, I'm so sorry!" he whispered, hating himself for making her feel this much hurt that she would shy away from his touch.

"God, I'm so sorry."

It was all he could say as he watched the tears pool in her eyes then stream down her cheeks as she lay in his arms so limp and exhausted, but mostly, looking so defeated.

And he'd done that to her.

Then he felt her arms wrap tightly around him and he suddenly wanted to cry, too.

He crushed her to him and breathed a grateful sigh that she wasn't resisting his embrace anymore. She laid her chin on his shoulder and rested her head against his neck.

"I love you," he said against her temple. "Hinata, please forgive me. I'm sorry."

He felt her nod, and the relief he felt made him weak.

"I'm so sorry, Hinata. I'm an idiot."

Her shoulders shook slightly, and he felt the flutter of her tiny laugh against his chest.

"Fucking dumbass," she whispered.

Thank god, he thought fervently, grateful that she was still talking to him.

"I am! The biggest one in the world," he said with feeling. "You're right, Hinata."

Naruto felt her body soften, the tension easing from her. He held her and rocked her, hoping he could warm her, hoping she would love him again, and waiting for her to say something more because he couldn't face her right now. All the while, he prayed to the gods that he would remember this night and never forget. Never forget how decimating it was when people didn't believe in you.

He'd taken her faith in him for granted, hadn't realized that she'd had her own deep issues, too. Her childhood fears had risen to the surface and had made her feel powerless again. Her feelings of inadequacy were always going to be part of her and he needed to understand that about her. Hinata also needed someone to not only love her, but also believe in her, and he'd forgotten that in his selfish need to shield her from harm.

Finally, she pulled back a little and looked into his face. Her eyes were still sad, but there was resolve returning, too.

"I'm not helpless. I just need you to believe in me…"

His face tautened with worry before he could help it. She reached up to touch the pucker between his brows. He closed his eyes at her touch. She'd already forgiven him but his heart still ached for the hurt he'd caused her.

"I do! Hinata, I know you're strong. You've got so much strength that I'm always borrowing from you. I'm sorry for doubting you...I just want to protect you, to keep you safe as much as I can. I don't want you to die."

"You can't, Naruto. It's impossible," she said gently. "We're shinobi. Nothing changes that. We live with the possibility of death every day. It's just who we are."

It was. He'd just lost sight of it because he'd been crazy with fear, with worry. To lose her now, when he'd felt so happy would destroy him. He knew it deep down. She was elemental, necessary for his own being. But at his core, he was also a ninja of Konoha; loss was a fabric of their lives.

He closed his eyes and nodded, hating the idea of death, but loving Hinata for filling his life.

There it was: the never-ending duality of his shinobi soul.

"We endure," he whispered.

Naruto took her home and made love to her, kissing his way up and down her body, trying to do penance for the sin he'd committed. She responded in kind with her sweetness, her heart so easy to forgive him because she still loved him and her feelings would never waver.

He slowly trailed his fingers down her neck and cupped her breast, bringing her nipples to his mouth as he suckled and bit gently while he kneaded her heated flesh. Hinata moaned low in her throat even as his tongue kept flicking over her skin. He moved lower, kissing a path down her stomach until he reached the space between her legs. Slowly, he brushed his lips on the inside of her thighs until he came to her core and grazed her with his tongue.

Then she was panting, hands in his hair, back arching off the bed as he fought his own desire. Her thighs were restless against his head and shoulders but he wanted her to feel loved so he continued kissing, licking, suckling the softest part of her until she shook and cried out as pleasure coursed through her.

She reached for him, clutching at his arms.

But he only shook his head wordlessly, looked briefly into her eyes when she came back to him. He gave her a hug and drew her onto him, tucked her body against his, and pulled up the covers.

"It's fine, Hinata. I'm okay," he whispered against her hair. "You're tired. Let's just go to sleep."

But she pushed against him and placed her hand on his cheek as she gazed at him. "No, you're not done yet."

He knew she could feel his erection against her thighs, but he wanted to punish himself by denying himself the pleasure of her body. He didn't deserve it.

Naruto gave her a kiss on the lips and said again, "No, I'm fine. Don't worry about it."

He smiled at her, but he didn't really look at her. It was still difficult to meet her eyes, the guilt still weighed at him. His gaze was fixed on the spot behind her head on the pillow.

She slapped him.

Lightly.

It startled him enough to really look at her face.

"Naruto, what are you doing?" she asked, her gaze sharp. She looked at him, her lavender eyes pierced him, cut right through the confusing emotions in him and made him face his twisted logic.

He sighed. "Hinata, I don't deserve you. I shouldn't be rewarded for being an idiot."

Her smile was gentle. "Naruto, it doesn't work like that. You're denying me, too, when you do this."

"Why should I feel pleasure, when I just hurt you tonight?!"

She shook her head and reached for him, wrapping her hands gently around his length, making him groan out loud. "It doesn't work like that," she whispered again. "Naruto, we're making love. Together. I want to feel you in me."

His hands covered hers, intending to pull hers away, but she kissed him, mouth open, trying to coax him into responding to her. She stroked him. Naruto had to close his eyes. He could feel the lust and desire in him roaring to life, but he wanted to make it up to Hinata.

"You're doing it again, Naruto, taking on too much. It's not just about you. This is for both of us. I need you," she said, still caressing him.

He groaned softly, unable to deny her. And then he was slipping into her, closing his eyes against the heat that never seemed to leave him when they were like this, joined together.

He moved desperately, thrust into her without any finesse, gripping her, holding her close to him. He watched her expressive face as she peaked, her eyes closing, her body shuddering and tightening around him. The moan that always ended on a sigh.

"Oh, god, Naruto!" she cried out.

"Hinata, I love you. You're too good to me," he said against her ear. He grasped one of her legs, raised it to his hip so she could take more of him. She did, her body accommodating and pulling him in closer with each thrust. Until he gave that one desperate push that sent him over the edge, and her arms held him, steadied him, reminding him of her constant presence in his life. He breathed her name against her neck.

Naruto shifted in the bed, taking her along with him and pressing her to his side. He kissed her hair but kept his eyes squeezed shut because he still couldn't face her, couldn't believe how much he'd hurt her this night.

"I'm so sorry, Hinata."

She'd been drifting off to sleep, but her eyes opened when he'd apologized again. She leaned upon his chest and he finally looked at her.

Hinata's face was clear, her gaze direct. "I love you. And I don't want you to feel bad anymore about it, but I just need you to have faith in me from here on out—the way I believe in you. Do you think you can do that?"

He cupped a hand on her jaw and brushed a thumb against her cheek. "Yes, even though it kills me to see you leave every morning when you go on your missions because you might never come back."

She smiled at him, and he was glad to see her usual gentle, radiant expression. "For me, too: when I leave, and when I see you go out that door."

Hinata kissed him. "But every time you come back safe, I live again."

It was true.

When Naruto kissed her good-bye, he found that coming back home and seeing her there in his apartment made him feel grateful that he could still bask in her warmth. When Hinata left for hers, he tamped down his overprotectiveness as he saw how eagerly she was looking forward to her missions. For her, every mission was a chance to prove her worth, and he never forgot again. She was just spreading her wings and he didn't want to be the person who would clip them.

Eventually, it became easier to watch her skip out of the apartment and to wait for her impatiently again at the Konoha gates.

"What time today, Naruto?" Izumo called out with a laugh.

"She said around 5:00 p.m." Naruto responded with a smile.

"Yeah?" Kotetsu said, but his eyes were drawn to the road when they all heard the sounds of laughter. The figures were still far away to see, but the voices were clear.

"Ino!" came Hinata's shocked voice. "Really?! I don't think I can do that! It sounds so crazy, it boggles my mind."

Ino's laughter was joined by Sakura's. The medic said, "That's because all you're missing is imagination, Hinata!"

"Let me know if you want to check it out and I'll lend you Sai's copy."

More laughter and giggling erupted from Ino and Sakura but there was a gasp and then a small chuckle from Hinata.

"They're early today," Izumo said with a smile as the girls finally came into full view.

Sakura smiled at Naruto when she saw him. "Our lone ranger awaits!"

"Welcome back," he greeted them all, but he turned to Hinata with open arms. She unhesitantly ran into them. At her hug, he closed his eyes and sighed against her hair.

There were sounds of gagging.

"Ugh!" Ino said with disgust. "You guys are too damned sweet, I just want to vomit."

Sakura snorted. "Save it, Ino. If you start vomiting now, you won't be able to keep up because they're not going to stop. This could go on forever. There's not enough inside of you to hack up."

Hinata burrowed her face further into his chest and laughed while Naruto glared at them.