A/N - It's short, but I love it. Probably one of my favourites.
Enjoy.
Is it dark enough?
They had blackout curtains over the window in their room. The candles were covered. There was no source of light. She was curled up under the blankets; sheets pulled over her head. She was in complete darkness. It felt safe. She could stare with her eyes open and still only see her thoughts. She could have this conversation without truly facing her problems.
Elsa sat on the edge of the bed, furthest away from her sister. She was hyper aware of the lack of light, and the chill in the air. This was a room full of tension and anxiety. She hadn't sat so stiffly before. She was, in part, afraid because she couldn't see. Anna had lunged at her; physically assaulted her and screamed in her face with no warning. She was afraid it would happen again. She'd said a few things to her, but got no response. She started to wonder if the younger woman was sleeping. "Anna?"
"Go away."
The tone of the words sent a shiver down Elsa's spine. "I want to talk to you about what happened."
"There's nothing you can say."
Her tone was low; bitter. A bit monotone. Breathless. Lazy. She almost sounded half-asleep. Elsa shifted slightly, uncomfortable. "I want us to be okay. I want to make it up to you. After all that we've been through—"
"All that we've been through was caused by you being a bitch."
Do you want me?
She sighed, silently. Don't give up. She never gave up on you. "I understand how you feel. And I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm still learning too, y'know? I'm trying. Does it count that I'm trying?"
"Nope."
She deflated slightly. It stung. Was anything good enough? "I didn't want you to get hurt."
"The only thing that has ever hurt me is you pushing me away. You never listen to me."
"I'm listening now," she tried. "I'm willing to listen. I want to hear you. Whatever you need to say. Please say it."
"But then I'm the bad guy. You always have it worse than me. Everybody pities you and expect me to be happy-go-lucky all the time."
"It isn't fair," she agreed. "I know. And I'm partially responsible for it. I should've seen that you weren't okay—that you haven't been okay. I should've listened to you sooner. Prompted more conversations. We'll make it a regular thing in the future, okay?"
"Bold of you to assume we have a future together."
Her hope was still building within her. She was feeling better about this. Having a conversation helped. She smiled at the thought, despite how painful the words were. She could almost hear a bit more life in her tone that time. The bitter little-sibling instead of the damaged adult. "I can't see a future without you, I suppose. I need you, and I want you."
"Even if we keep contact, I'll never love you."
She didn't believe that for a second. "You'll always love me," she said softly, almost sadly. "It was your love that I took advantage of, and you don't want me to have anymore of it, and I understand. I know you don't like me. I want to work to change that."
Silence. A beat, then; "open the curtain."
Thank god. Elsa didn't hesitate to stand and carefully make her way to the window. She pulled the curtain down off the rod, blinding herself as the light shone into the room. She winced, shielding her eyes. Once adjusted, she placed the curtain on a chair by the window, then glanced around the room.
It was cosy; comfy. Not necessarily fit for a queen, but… it felt safe with light. There were portraits and paintings on the walls; lots of hand-drawn sketches. She didn't know Anna was into art. It was clear that Kristoff lived here, too. It was their space. It warmed her heart. "You've really settled in, huh." She lightly crossed her arms over her stomach again. A comforting mechanism.
She got no response, but now she could see. Anna was curled in a tiny ball under her blankets. She must've been really warm under there. It made Elsa smile. "Please talk to me."
Nothing. It didn't even look like she was breathing. Elsa walked over and gently put her hand on what she believed to be Anna's shoulder. "Are you there? Don't tell me I was dreaming this whole time."
She giggled. Elsa's heart leaped into her throat. She smiled wider; brighter. "I love you, y'know."
"I know."
Can you reach me?
It surprised her. She had to be dreaming. There's no way that this woman who had just screamed in agony at her was accepting her. She grabbed at the edge of the blankets and tugged ever so slightly, giving an unspoken warning that she wanted to pull the blankets back. There was no rejection, so she gently pulled the covers back. Anna moved her arm slightly, peaking up through the tangles of her hair.
Elsa tilted her head, looking down at her. "Hi."
"Hey."
"You need a hairbrush."
"You need to mind your own business."
Elsa laughed lightly. She was surprised and slightly taken aback when Anna reached up and struck her in the gut. It wasn't very hard, but startled her a bit nonetheless. They looked at each other; one glaring, one confused. "Dumbass."
She sighed, heart still aching a bit. "I really am sorry, Anna."
The queen only stared. They were in silence for another moment before she reached up, grabbing Elsa by her shirt, aggressively pulling her. She lost her footing and fell onto the bed with a shriek as she was pulled under the blankets. Anna swiftly pulled the blankets over their heads as they settled in, facing each other. There was enough light in the room to shine through the blankets a bit, offering them enough light to see.
"You really hurt me," Anna said softly. "It was the worst pain I've ever felt. And knowing that you caused it hurt even more. You're supposed to take care of me. How could you?"
She needed a moment to think of her words, but she didn't break eye contact. How many times could she apologise before it lost meaning? "I thought I was taking care of you," she admitted. "I really thought I knew what I was doing."
Anna nodded weakly. "I know." It was difficult to accept, but she knew the intentions were there. She took a deep breath. "I know what you were trying to do. The execution just… sucked so bad. You could've killed me. How would that have helped?"
"I was careless," she replied. "I didn't even think of that. I was stuck in the future; stuck in the what ifs. I was overwhelmed."
"So was I," she reminded her. "I watched them die, too. And you left me to deal with it on my own. And I couldn't! Not again. I needed you, Elsa. I needed you more than ever, and you let me down. How am I supposed to forgive you for that? For the past year of suffering… How am I supposed to be okay again after this?"
She couldn't hide her tears, though she kept them silent. She was in pain, too. It's why she acted the way she did. She couldn't lose anyone else. She couldn't watch someone else she loved die. She just couldn't. It wasn't for Anna to understand, and she knew that. How else could she explain it?
"You think too much."
"I'm not good with words. I spent too many years in silence," she reminded. "Give me a second to catch up, okay? I don't wanna hurt you again with careless or thoughtless words."
It brought her comfort; the effort. She could be patient. She kept her hands by her heart, curled securely under her blankets. Their bodies were close enough to feel the difference in temperature. It was familiar. It felt safe. They hadn't seen each other; talked, spoken, hugged in almost a year. She almost couldn't believe it.
"I don't want you to feel manipulated if I tell you how I feel."
Anna shook her head. "Nonsense. I'd never. Tell me."
She hesitated, taking a breath of preparation. "I feel like…" she trailed a bit. Then, "I feel like I was failed, too. And for it, I never learned how to treat others or how to communicate. I don't say this to negate myself of taking accountability for my own actions; I'm a grown woman and should know better. I just also think that perhaps I'd know even better if I'd started learning earlier. Does that make sense?"
She nodded.
"You taught me how to love," she explained. "You've taught me everything I know about the world. You're an extrovert, right? You get out and meet people and see things, whereas I prefer my own space. I hear all your tales and adventures and learn about the world through you. So, I guess… when we're failing to communicate, I lose my footing. I don't know who to follow when you're trying to follow me."
"I've always followed you around," Anna countered, confused.
"But I've learned from you," she specified. "You physically follow me, but I learn from you. Get it?"
She nodded. "But I thought I was learning from you."
"Maybe we learn from each other in some ways," she suggested. "We are different people with different experiences." She huffed a bit; "off topic. Point is: I fucked up. Big time. And even though I'm beyond terrified that there's nothing I can do or say to mend it—knowing that this pain you've been feeling is so deep within your core—I still want to try. I cannot lose you, Anna. In any way. And losing you to life is almost worse than losing you to death. Knowing that you're alive and avoiding me…"
"I could never," she said softly, gently putting her hand on Elsa's cheek. They stared at each other again, eyes full of sadness. "Elsa?"
"Yeah, Anna?"
"I will never be able to trust you again."
It hurt. It hurt really bad, even if she understood. Even if she was expecting it. "I know." She hated that her voice broke. She had tried so hard to hide her feelings. She sniffled slightly and cleared her throat. "I know."
Anna had nothing more to say. She felt better than before, though still not fantastic. Things were going to take time. "So…"
"Yeah?"
"Are we gonna ignore this apocalypse, or…?"
"I guess that is still a thing, huh."
They stared for another moment longer before Anna moved closer, nuzzling her head into Elsa's chest, snuggling close. They held onto each other; it wasn't long before their tears were released. Elsa tightened her grip.
The end of the world was going to have to wait until tomorrow.
A/N - This isn't "the end" of their conflicts, but they have other things to take care of. Forgiveness is a process as complex as grief, and forgiving grief is an incredible trial. I'm hoping to not surpass 30 chapters, but we'll see!
I also cannot believe this has surpassed 10k views... That's crazy. Thank you for your support. [Positive] feedback is always greatly appreciated.
I'm having a tough time and am not spending much time on social media, so updates may be delayed by a couple of days. No longer than a week, as usual. Much love. Be kind. xx