A/N: Thank you everyone for your suppport with this! we are getting into some dark territory now so be prepared. Also, want to remind some people that this is, in fact, a Cleno fanfiction. Which means the main pairing is CloudxReno. Maybe even Cloud with a few other male characters because, hey, Cloud likes his boys. Anyway. Hope you enjoy! Comment what you think!

Chapter Twenty-Six- We Keep on Making

Get outta my head 'cause I don't need this, why didn't I see this?

But I'm a victim, Manchurian candidate

I have sinned by just

Making my mind up and taking your breath away

I've felt the hate rise up in me

Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves

I wander out where you can't see

Inside my shell, I wait and bleed

We didn't end our night on the highest of notes. And my reluctance to the new terms of our relationships evident on my face from the frown when I left his car. So, I wasn't entirely surprised when Reno showed up on my doorstep the next day, in my favorite black hoodie, looking as apologetic as ever.

"I know usually when a guy messes up they bring flowers," he started, hands in his pockets, "but you don't seem like the kinda guy who likes that shit."

"You're not wrong," I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest and blocking access to the currently empty house.

"That's why I got you something better." He pulled out weed with a warm smile on his face- proud of his actions. I shrug and offer a blank nod. "And that's not it!" He reveals from the other pocket a pack of my brand of cigarettes. My heart betrayed me and melted the cold barrier I had placed after I left his car. And only because it reminded me of early in our relationship when he tossed a pack of cigarettes over the fence to get my attention. But I tried to remain chilled.

"Good start," I grabbed both items but remained in the doorway. I eyed the hoodie on his body and he grumbled.

"Come on, babe," he pouted, actually pouted which startled me, "I look real fucking good in this hoodie; you can't deny that."

"It's mine."

"Don't you like when I wear your shit," his blue eyes twinkled against the afternoon sun. "It's like I have a part of you always."

"Wow," I extended my hand out, "now that's a fucking line, bro. Give it."

He cursed under his breath as he unzipped the hoodie, and I swear he knows me too well and planned this. Under the jacket, he's wearing the Halloween shirt I gave him for Christmas, and I'm not sure if it shrunk by the way it hugs his body, I can see the lines of muscles from under the fabric. He's fit from practicing for baseball season almost everyday- and at least that's one thing he told the truth about. He places my article of clothing in my hand, but I'm too busy staring at him, I almost dropped it and I have to scramble to regain my composure. And hoped he didn't notice the sound I made in my throat when my eyes scanned his form.

"Also!" he continued with a sly smirk now present, "I'm going to take you on a real date." I narrowed my eyes at him and watched him falter at my lack of enthusiasm. "Constantine is still in the theaters, I know you really wanted to go see that."

I arched an eyebrow, "So, wait. You tell me that we need to chill on our relationship because everyone's talkin' shit, but now you want to take me to a movie?"

He paused with a cringed, "Well, I figured we go to New Jersey-"

"Oh wait, so you wanna take me across state lines, to a shitty fuckin' state, so no one can see us? Wow, such romance."

"You know, when you're pissed your accent comes out and it's really cute." His laugh weighed down by nerves. He cleared his throat when I didn't share in his amusement. "Or, or, we can stay in and watch all those horror movies you've been wanting to show me. You can tell me all about German expressionism-" He paused waiting for me to be impressed by his memory. "Or, zombie marathon? I'll order the food and pay for literally everything."

"You're trying to bribe me now?" I put the hoodie on, tried to hide the smile when I smelled his cologne.

"Well, you said you wanted to be a sugar baby when you grew up; startin' early." He mocked right back.

I grunted, "Don't think you have that kinda money."

"Cloud," he said with a harsh tone, "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to come in and talk or do you want me to leave? Because I'll fuck off right now."

I wanted to tell him how I'm not used to being on this side of an argument. I'm used to standing in the doorway with peace offerings and promises. And I knew as they fell from my lips how full of shit I was. That next weekend those mistakes would be repeated, in fantastic fashion. I want to tell him that ignoring the situation got us into this mess in the first place and just pretending like nothing happened won't change anything. That our conversation in the car did nothing to quell any fears. That his stance is shit. He's changing the rules, again, and my neck hurts from this whiplash.

But

I'm sixteen. And spent my life teetering on the edge, waiting for something to give me hope for the future. And he does. Standing in that doorway, thumbs in his denim pockets, wearing one of my favorite shirts. Glowing in the hot afternoon sun- the first hints of spring-looking sincere. And I'm prepared already to believe every single lie.

So I did let him into the house.

Then into my bed.

Where every kiss tasted black.

Empty.

Both of us clearly distracted and I don't even know why we bothered.

We laid on our backs, staring at the dust on the ceiling. My fucking Super Mario bedsheets, because I'm five, over waists. I sense a clear barrier in the middle of us. Usually we smoke right after. But we just remained frozen in this position. Not daring to touch again. Fearful to look because it will ruin the facade.

"Did I tell you I made the team?" he said after ten minutes of blank silence.

"No," I respond like a cobra- short and venomous.

"I made the team," he mumbled.

"Congrats….I know that was important."

"Yeah...we have practice every day after school so, I won't be around a lot…"

"Yeah, I know," I sighed, "I understand…"

"We have our first game coming up...you should come…"

"Would look weird. I barely went to any games and my best friend is on the team." And I think about the frustration of all this ridiculous hiding. Why can't I just go watch my boyfriend play baseball? Why can't I have a boyfriend?

Now I remember why I didn't want to come out in the first place.

I heard him grumble. I know he agrees to some extent.

There were so many things I think we wanted to say; but words were difficult. Instead, he made a move, and laid his head on my chest, and maybe it was muscle memory, but I brought my arm around his body- let him curl next to me as he usually does. His fingers circled the chain I wore around my neck. And for a moment everything seemed normal. A week since we embraced in this way. I missed it more than I realized.

"You know," he began, "in ten years- when we are living in Massachusetts together- we're going to look back on this…" Pause. "Hopefully laugh at how stupid it all was and that it all worked out in the end…"

"You seem so sure we're going to make it." I didn't intend for my voice to sound so vacant.

His fingers stopped tracing along my torso and he tensed against me. "Nice to be optimistic about something. Can't be negative all the time." I looked and he was staring up at me; eyes trying to scan my face for something I can't place. I brought my hand into his hair; feeling the soft strands through my fingers. I envy his hope in this hopeless situation. I'm exhausted from always feeling dragged down. Or broken from crashing from the high I've been on for the last five months.

Maybe I just wanted to believe in something for a minute.

"Maybe I'll write our story. Make millions off it."

He laughs. "I like that confidence."

"And the ending, will be us laying in our bed, with our dog-"

"No dogs on the bed."

"Non-negotiable."

We share a reluctant chuckle. Reno danced his fingers across my cheek bones, his smile illuminating. "Sounds like a happy ending."

And this time when I kissed him, he tasted purple. And I felt like pink. The sunset. The painted sky. There's a hypnotic beauty about a sun chased by darkness. Two halves- opposites- whole for a moment. Like magic.

I chose blissful hope.

We showered together-let the heat of the water wash away the doubt- hands on each other like magnets.

We watched Night of the Living Dead in my room. And my dad came home eventually with German food, insisting that he needed to show Reno our culture. And they exchanged jabs at one another over pierogies, and bratwurst and schnitzel. He told us he has no culture. His parents are "vanilla white to the worst extent." and he didn't know what seasoning was until he had his aunt's cooking. We ate on kitchen counters and leaning against tables, the three of us. It was the first time my dad and I had a conversation that didn't end up in a passive aggressive argument.

And my dad did comment on Reno's recent absence. And it broke my heart a little.

But, the supportive boyfriend returned. He lectured me on being there for my mom when she called, after I revealed I haven't spoken to her since she left. That I couldn't because it was too hard. But he made me promise I'd try. And smiled when he kissed my forehead. Told me everything I needed to hear to fill in the cracks in my conscience.

The whole day felt normal. Even with the Sunday blues. School looming and it'll most likely be a week before he's in my room, smoking cigarettes out my window and stealing kisses in between drags.

When he left, I put my hoodie over his shoulders and he pressed his lips on mine like it was the last time he would.

And this time he felt gray.

Like a storm.

And I didn't want to let him go.

I wanted to have hope-especially with how assured Reno was. But each day, something, a thread, snapped. When Elena wrapped her arms around his as they walked the halls. And how she attended his practices, sitting on the bleachers- while all I could do was happen to walk passed to grab a forlorn look from beyond a chain linked fence. He tried getting me to agree to go on a double date with Cissnei. And he was doing all the things with a girl he should be doing with me. Which begged more questions than I wanted answers to. And everytime I witnessed something that caused me to unravel, I got defensive.

Hell, by Wednesday, I accused him of fucking her- which he vehemently denied. But in the same breath he started pushing Cissnei on me with more aggression than should be considered normal. Explaining how it looked better if I started seeing a girl.

There's too many rumors.

There's too many expectations.

And it would be so perfect since Elena and Cissnei are friends.

And no. Perfect would be us holding hands in public. And me showing up to his games. And double dates with Aerith and Tseng (or even Rude and Tifa is that ever becomes a thing). And doing all the things society expects us to do with girls with just each other.

But I know that can't happen. Not for a long time.

Even if he keeps saying eleven months like it holds all the answers. What happens after that?

I don't have hope that we can ever be fully out.

So I started to lose the rush of optimism, I've been holding on to like a drug in my system, for a happy ending. And I knew what I was doing was wrong. The road I chose to cope with this storm of doubt taking over.

I'm aware. And that makes everything that happened more frustrating.

My excuse, as always, was the lack of people I could speak to about this subject without incriminating both Reno and I. But that's a lie. I know that's a lie. I had Aerith, who would find me at lunch with her big green eyes and try to get me to confide in her. But I couldn't. I couldn't burden her with my next relationship. So I shoved her away, even when I saw the flash of hurt across her face. The rest of my friends were involved in their own sports and clubs and jobs and drama. Cid with lacrosse and Barret started working to save up for a car. My friendship with Tifa strained for months. She noted my distances with a bitter tongue. I resented her for her anger. She hooked up with Rude at the parade, as if it would piss me off, but all it did was make Cid angry.

A crack in the foundation of the core friend group. Hell, even Vinny backed off- tired of the drama surrounding the lot of us and closed his house down, spending all his time playing video games.

But these are all fucking excuses. When I can reflect, I can see what I was doing. Justifying my distance from my friends. My real friends. That I continued to use only when I need to pretend to be functional. Who I push away when I need to feel abandoned. Because it justifies all the mistakes I will make, on purpose. Can't have logic getting in the way of self-destruction.

And that's why I seeked out Sephiroth. Who spent his afternoons sitting on the bench, unable to play due to the sore rib, lamenting about his own destruction. Who sat in the cold sun growing more enraged at his life. Half high on pills to keep the pain at bay. Until he could leave. Take the rest of his pills and drift along in between consciousness and black out. And I wanted the taste of being numb. And he was all too happy to sink his claws into me.

And everyone so distracted by their own shit didn't notice when I was dragged under water.

I know I've been this way before.

Like a routine I can't break.

Fight with my boyfriend nearly every night. Over things I know he can't control. Hang up the phone and take a half a pill that Seph donated. Chase it with the last of the vodka in the house- convince myself I was doing my mom a favor upon her inevitable return next week. Lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling. Try to ignore the way my cell vibrates against my wood floor. Reno calling back to continue the argument. But my feelings are stagnant like the water in my pool. So I answer, let him lose it. Apologize with a blank tone he doesn't pick up on- make up.

Couldn't even notice if he was starting to worry.

I don't even remember what we were fighting about. Or who started the argument in the first place.

By Friday, he became flustered with my performances, however. He found me in the bathroom, smoking a cigarette out the window. I didn't acknowledge his presence. And he just stared at me for the duration of my smoke. Up against the stall, arms over his chest, with a perturbed look tattooed on his face.

He sighed, "I know you're not happy. I know seeing me with Elena isn't helping. And I know that I haven't been around lately just adds to it." And I know my silence hurts him. But I've said all I could on the matter. No, I don't like any of this. But there's no alternative. He walked over to me, put his arms around my body and his face close to mine. "I love you," he whispered against my ear, "I love you so much. It's hard right now, but it'll be worth it. I promise."

He kissed along my neck hoping for my attention. But all I think about is the pill burning a hole in my pocket and the other pills Sephiroth will be bringing over later so we can both float through oblivion- while Reno goes on a date with his girlfriend.

I shoved him away. And I catch the wince across his face. The bell rang, signaling the end of this new dance. I threw away the cigarette into the toilet..

"I want to renegotiate the terms of this relationship," I grumbled on my way out.

He grabbed my arm suddenly and yanked me against him. His eyes fire. Not from anger. They bore down into me like a volcano. "Don't give up on me, yet," he pleaded and his voice was pop rocks and coke about to explode. "I'm figuring it out."

I want to tell him to call me when he does. But I lose all ability to stand up for myself when I feel his chest up against mine. He ran his hand up my back and into my hair, where he pressed our foreheads together so I had no choice but look into his eyes. And I know we're going to be late for our next class- and maybe because we don't have the same gym, he's gotten bold- but I'm aware of the risks he seems to ignore when convenient for him. And this time I want to tell him how confused he makes me. That I need to drown myself just to reset.

I let him kiss me. Slow at first, but he opened his mouth and ran his tongue over my lips. And I followed his lead because I'm weak. I know I'm weak. But I wanted this moment even if it's fleeting. Falling through my fingertips. And his kiss tasted like the morning before rain.

I thought about telling him:

That I'm in danger of drowning. And if I don't get help soon, I'm going to repeat the same mistakes I keep on making.

But I don't. Like I suddenly can't trust him with that information.

And even later on in the day, with Sephiroth and his smirk and his new set of pills he got from Genesis- because now everyone has the xanax hookup- when I'm noting the fucking irony as I stared at the white pill in my hand, how I fucking refused to take this when my name was written on a prescription. But now I'm just dying to get this in my system and fall asleep on this lounge chair with my fucking enemy chasing his with a six pack of beer.

I even pulled my phone from my pocket. I thought about texting Reno. Then Aerith. Then Cid. Or Barret. And Tifa. and fuck I really wanted to talk to my mom right about then. And tell her how proud I am she is getting help. And that I need her to be an adult now and make me do the same.

But I did nothing. The device weighed a ton. And instead, I look at the rising moon appearing over his house, with silent tears falling from my broken blue eyes. And wished for a minute that I took a little too much this time.

You have self-destructive tendencies

When you feel you've lost control

And that's why I did what I did.

How infuriating it is to know you're about to set yourself on fire and do it anyway.

Started with a morning fight with my dad; my mom called and I didn't want to talk. Because my mouth felt like cotton and the words wouldn't come out. He stormed out of the house for golf, slamming the door.

I tried this time to be good. Analyze the situation with a clear head. I called Reno, but he had a baseball game and didn't answer. He had a game and that's why he didn't answer. But My brain immediately flipped the script and reminded me how Elena is probably sitting in the bleachers, in the cold, cheering him on. While you're here. Being all sad and pathetic. Pathetic.

Pathetic.

I mean, that's what I am.

I pop a pill and feel like the treads flail like loose electrical wires. That spark and hiss.

Because I am not doing this right.

Once every other day. That's the original prescription. I'm taking one a day.

I throw up in the bathroom. But I'm still faded. And I think I planted the bomb already at this point. All I needed to do was push the timer and watch the countdown.

I ended up at Vinny's. He finally opened his house again after a few weeks of silence. Everyone's invited. The night started innocent enough with the core group playing Halo. Tifa and I even walked to the deli to get food for everyone. We talked as the heat of the sun attempted to break through the cold, crawl through our black clothing. Smelled like the beginning of summer already, even though we had months. She told me how she liked Rude but was hesitant. He's too nice. And that she might be into someone else and doesn't want to hurt his feelings. And I said with some clarity that she should be honest instead of leading him on.

And she smiled softly at me as a pink hue flushed over her cheeks.

And I knew I made a mistake when I picked up a bottle of vodka.

As the night wanes on, the house grows in occupancy. I drink like I've never tasted the clear poison on my tongue. Start off with mixing lemonade, but quickly decide it's just getting in my way.

My phone vibrates. Then again. And again. And I don't pick it up.

I should have fucking picked up the phone.

Things get fuzzy. I remember there being entirely too many people. Johnny's there. Leslie's there. And this time, Leslie has something I want and I give him fifty dollars for five percs. And think about all the people who accidentally overdose. So I actually hesitated and didn't take them.

Too much cigarette smoke fills the small house. Suffocating. I can barely see and it's only half my vision being swayed. I end up outside with Cid. Sitting on the same small bench Reno and I occupied when he divulged part of his tragic life story. And I think this might actually be a good time to come clean to Cid. To tell him I'm in love with a boy. But I have to be kept a secret. And that I'm not sure if I want to be a secret anymore.

"Hey, I need to tell you something," he said suddenly and I remember feeling like I was punched in the face. I tell him to proceed. "I'm in love with Tifa-"

I started laughing. This terrible vicious laugh, "No you're not."

"Yes, I am," he pressed. I couldn't really see his face in the coming night. Just the ember of his cigarette. "And I wanted to know how you felt about that?"

"Why?"

"Come on, man." I know he shook his head because I could see the light move. Like a ribbon. "I know you two had a thing-"

"She has a thing with every guy," I retorted. And there's this voice in my head that's new. One that I know stared at me like I was speaking in tongues. "Really not hard to have a thing with her."

"Wow," he sounded equal parts shocked and disgusted. "That's pretty fucked up to say, bro. That's your best friend right?"

I shrugged. "She hooked up with half the group, bro. You really want someone who's been with Biggs?"

"She didn't fuck Biggs," he snapped. And I laughed again. "What's your fucking problem?"

I wanted to tell him how I have no fucking idea what my problem was, in that exact moment, because my head is full of turmoil and I'm about to explode. That part of me thinks his flippant use of love was so hilarious it made me sick to my stomach. He didn't know love. He dumped his last girlfriend for no reason. After he used love to get in her pants.

What did he love about Tifa? What made her different from every other person he'd bat his long eyelashes at for an ounce of attention.

"Why do you even care?" he hissed. And there's something about his tone that rattled me. And I snapped my eyes at him. Trying to get a steady look. And his face curled in frustration at my lack of support. His lips pinched against his cigarette. American Spirits.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I remembered how his face softened. And his eyes were gray giving way to green, like a meadow during a cloudy day, as he ran them along the lines of my face. And it felt like yet another intrusion. Someone else giving me a second look that lingers just too long. But unlike the cold stare of Sephiroth or the curiosity of Cissnei, Cid's felt more flushed with understanding. Like silent pleas for me to unhook my jaw and confirm the thought in his head.

I thought about two summers ago. I thought about how Cid was only the second boy I ever kissed. Under the basement lights of an unfinished cellar. How it had been a dare, from the girls who think it's hot when boys kiss. And I feigned reluctance. But he committed because he never did anything half-assed. I liked the way his lips felt against mine. And I even followed his lead when he grabbed the back of my head and used his tongue. He told me later he kissed like he fucked. And I thought, if that was true, any girl would be lucky.

And like a bullet to my brain.

Now under the moonlight. Alone in the backyard.

I realized something.

"Cloud?" his voice snapped me out of my muddled thoughts. I noticed we had gotten closer. And my heart suddenly froze on the spot. "Are…"

"What?" I interrupted because I know what he's about to ask. Felt the panic in my head. Mixing with the alcohol.

"Look," he swallowed hard, "I just...really wanna stress that...I don't care."

"Care about what?"

"I heard...some rumors."

"What rumors," I jumped back.

"Woah, okay," he brought his hands up, and I wonder how my face looks. Because all I can focus on is the way he looks at me with pity. The same kind of pity I saw in Reno's blues when he cornered me in the bathroom. And I started feeling hot from the pressure. Hot from the anger thinking about the red-head. How he pushed. And pushed, and for what? To take seven steps back when it got tough?

And now I have my friends looking at me strange.

Worse. I have Cid looking at me weird.

Second guessing his own actions. Wondering if I'm defensive because I have a thing for Tifa or a thing for-

"You believin' rumors now?" I seethed. Try to steady my breathing, but I have a grip on my jeans so tight I felt the fabric ripping.

"No. That's why I'm just askin'"

"Asking what? What are you asking?"

"Forget it." he pulled away. "Never mind. It's cool. Okay?" He placed his hand on my shoulder, like he's done before. Like he's done too many times to count. And I hate. Fucking hate. How every time he did my stomach would erupt. Like it was doing now. But not as powerful as the first time Reno ever got too close. Because Reno wanted me. And Cid didn't. But he pushed once more. "It really is...okay."

The button to the timer slammed. I shoved his hand off me.

I stomped inside. And I had too many conflicting thoughts in my head- that crashed like two opposing comets. Exploded and rained fire.

Mad at Reno for opening these flood gates in the first place. I was fine. Fine. Fine. trapped in my own bathroom, smoking cigarettes alone, and hiding behind girls. He pried everything open. Forced through my reluctance. Then set the boundaries. Altered the rules. Called all the shots.

Mad at Cid. Mad at a rejection he didn't give. Mad at the flirting I never asked for.

Mad at rumors from people I hardly acknowledged. Mad that I even had to be concerned about them in the first place.

Mad at Zack. Zack for being the first. To push and pull me apart.

Everything just thrusted upon me with complete disregard for how this all made me feel.

So, with laser vision, because I knew what I was about to do. I would do what was expected of me. The part I've played. The idea snuck into my head like a virus. Infecting all logic. I took two more shots.

Lights out.