Chapter Thirty-Seven: The Thing About Lily Evans

When James returned, ordering Peter to set up the array of all the best comfort foods Hogwarts had to offer downstairs, he entered the dorm to find Sirius sobbing. Not the sort of loud dramatic crying they had all done before, sometimes over nothing, but a scary silent sobbing that James had no idea what to do about.

Sirius saw him, looked at him with eyes full of such pain, and tried to say something, but he was crying too hard to. Then James noticed Remus lying down, head in Sirius' lap, fast asleep, face still covered in tears and he thought he understood a bit more. But that didn't mean he knew what to do. He gave Sirius a helpless look and went back down into the common room to get back-up.

"James, what's wrong?" Peter asked, the smile slipping off his face.

"I need to find Lily," he replied, making Peter stare at him as if he lost his mind. But in all honesty, James couldn't think of anyone else, well he could, it's not like he only ever thought about Lily! But Patricia wasn't really comforting or even all that kind and Frank would probably be a good choice only Sirius would murder him if he let anyone of real authority know.

That left Lily.

Shaking slightly because he had no idea how to confront this level of pain and grief he started climbing the girls' stairs, forgetting about the most unfair rule in all of Hogwarts and slid back down with a shout of frustration.

"LILY! LILY EVANS!" he shouted desperately. It was nearly ten o'clock meaning that she was most definitely in her room. This also meant he may or may not be waking up some firsties but he didn't really care at the moment.

"James, what's going on? Should I go get Remus?" Peter asked confused and James rounded on him in alarm.

"Don't go up there," he said gravely since he was pretty sure Peter wasn't used to that kind of scary sorrow either. He wasn't even thirteen yet! How was he supposed to handle this? A too-small rational part of his brain recognized Lily wasn't thirteen yet either, but she was a girl which automatically made her good at this stuff.

"LILY EVANS!" he shouted again knowing he sounded more than a bit stressed, but again he didn't really care about that right now.

"James, what's going on?" Peter asked in a small voice sounding scared now.

"LILYmmmmmmph."

He struggled out of the hand Dorcas had clamped over his mouth and turned to meet her unamused look.

"You're going to wake up everyone Potter and you're bothering those of us who were downstairs studying."

James gaped heat flooding to his face as he realized Lily and Marlenee were seated at one of the tables watching him with a look that made it very clear they thought that this was a prank.

But James didn't care about that either!

His friends were hurting and crying and he was useless and he hated being useless as much as he hated losing.

"Lily it's about Remus!" he shouted at her trying to convey with his eyes how serious it was. Dorcas raised an eyebrow looking skeptical but Lily had knocked down her chair in her haste and was already racing up the steps to the boys' dorm.

"If this is some sort of trick Potter," Dorcas threatened in that intimidating way of hers that made James secretly glad she was the beater, since no offense to Sirius but he was only intimidating when he was crazy upset which wouldn't bode well for Quidditch. Ignoring the stab of jealousy he had felt at watching Lily immediately rush to Remus' side he turned to Dorcas scowling.

"It's not but if it was then it's all fair in the prank war."

"It's one thing to play petty pranks but it's another to mess with someone's feelings."

"Feelings?" James asked, feeling as out of his depths as he typically did when speaking to girls. Not for the first time, he considered getting lessons or at least pointers from Sirius, only his friend would be too cocky.

He supposed he could get tips from Remus but he would probably just tell James to treat them like humans, only it was very clear to him females were a different species entirely. Still, Sirius' cockiness would be better than Dorcas currently looking at him like he was particularly dull, which was not accurate, he was brilliant...except maybe not at consoling his friends….or with girls yet.

"You really don't know? Lily has a crush on Remus so if this is some prank it's not ok."

James felt his worst fears confirmed but didn't have time to wonder why that was so upsetting to him, nor to wonder why he cared so much and his chest hurt so much because he had to focus on walking away from Dorcas before he let something slip that he shouldn't.

"I mean it, Potter. You're protective or your friends? Well SO AM I," she shouted after him as he climbed the steps back to the dorm, after making Peter promise he'd stay down there. His friend looked equally at a loss and nervous, but James figured it was best to keep one of them from seeing the utter agony etched on Sirius' face.

He reached the landing to find only faint candlelight flickering, casting shadows about the room. He reminded himself this was not the time to be embarrassed at Lily being in his room, though he did wish he had listened to Remus' 'polite' suggestion earlier that day on where he could shove his dirty socks besides laying them around everywhere.

"You really love him don't you," he heard Lily whisper, crouched on the ground at Sirius' feet who had stopped crying but still looked really upset.

"Course I do, he's my family."

"Then you have to promise me something."

"Just because you helped me calm down doesn't mean…"

"I mean it. If you care about him as much as it's clear you do then you have to promise me something, Sirius Black."

James hung back by the door since both of them sounded really serious, and hadn't seemed to realize he'd entered yet.

"Anything."

"When you find out you can't be mad, you can't be mean, you can't push him away."

"But…."

"Just listen to me, please. We both know it's only a matter of time. I'm going to try to convince Remus to tell you himself but I don't think he will. You don't understand now but you will and when you do you probably will be mad even if it's just a little. But you can't be. Promise me, Sirius. He's been through so much, you have to be the friend he deserves. Promise me."

"I…..I….promise," Sirius stammered looking taken aback and fearful.

As James stood there awkwardly at the door and watched Lily stand up, turning to go with her wig that somehow looked too much like her own hair, with tears sparkling in the prettiest green eyes he'd ever seen he realized he might…..might just have the tiniest crush on Lily.

"You too Potter, promise me?" she stated gravely standing in front of him, actually a fraction of a centimeter taller than him at the moment. He nodded feeling dazed at how beautiful she was, and kind, because he had been right to get her, she'd made things better in no time, though he wished he knew how.

"Good." She hesitated, a finger wrapping around a stray lock of hair that she twisted so tight he was worried it might be painful for her. "And thank you for getting me. I suppose you aren't...as brainless as I thought. Goodnight James."

She gave him a small smile he never thought would be directed at him of all people and left him standing there stunned.

"Night," he whispered after she'd already shut the door and left.

"Traitor," Sirius whispered though he didn't sound upset at all. "Thanks, James."

"For what?" he asked, still feeling a little out of place and a little panicky at the, maybe, realization he just had.

"For not being as brainless as I thought," Sirius replied with the faintest hint of amusement as he quoted Lily, still in a hushed tone.

"No problem. Need anything?"

"No."

James hesitated, the atmosphere feeling too serious and thick.

"You gonna just...stay there all night?" he asked awkwardly because it was distinctively odd to have one of your best mates with your other best mate's head in his lap, especially if they were going to stay like that all night. Sirius gave him an annoyed look, his cheeks a bit pink, though that might have just been the reflection of the candlelight.

"If I move he'll wake up and I'm afraid he'll start sobbing all over again."

"I thought you wanted him to cry. You kept complaining that it wasn't fair and he should trust us more and…," James trailed off at the unamused look his friend was giving him. "I just mean…..isn't it good he opened up more or whatever?"

Sirius gave an uncomfortable shrug.

"I didn't expect him…..to…...well I don't know. I said I wouldn't say anything but it's kind of obvious," Sirius sounded a little scared now and James was aware that he was probably making everything worse.

"Sorry."

"Shut up James. It's just…..I've seen some shit as you know….been through some shit…," Sirius admitted reluctantly and James nodded holding his breath to keep from ruining it, Sirius hardly ever talked to him about just how bad his family was. "I've cried from the sheer pain to Drommie and Regulus has cried to me…...and even Sissy…"

James felt very confused but still didn't dare to say anything, didn't even dare move.

"But…..no one's ever cried so….I don't know how to describe it…..it was scary and…hurt."

James had a pretty good idea what Sirius meant if Remus had cried anywhere close to how Sirius had been crying, with that haunting look of despair on a face that was just straight up too young to look so….brokenhearted.

"I'm sorry mate. I guess we shouldn't have left."

"No it's ok, I mean it's not...like at all...but you're right…..he trusted me enough to cry….I mean I had to force him to…..but still,….I mean he even fell asleep so he must trust me a bit."

James wanted to point out falling asleep in someone's lap took more than a bit of trust but figured it might be best not to say anything, there was a quiet hush about Sirius who seemed at the moment somehow more….what was the word...vulnerable?

Yeah, who seemed more vulnerable now than James had just about ever seen him, because sure back when he had first told them stuff he looked a bit like he currently did, but he had also seemed more determined and altogether angry at that time.

So James just nodded.

"I can't really protect Regulus but I want to and I want to protect Remus but I don't know how. Do you ever feel like you just….fail...at everything."

James didn't quite feel that way except maybe when it came to girls but he still just nodded, Sirius hardly seeming to be talking to him anymore.

"He's family that's all. It's not like how you want to hold Lily's hand, it's different."

James nodded now confused, wondering why Sirius was bringing that up or why it seemed to bother him so much.

"We're all family," he whispered and Sirius nodded, giving him a grateful look.

"Yeah, and we need to find out what is going on with Remus before it kills him. I think he might have what his mom does….or worse…...some illness? He mentioned not going to his mom a lot so as not to worry her….but the way he said it James…...the way…..it seemed like something more…..if that makes sense…"

James nodded absently.

"Like I feel like I should know it you know? I still think we're missing something big. I don't get why Lily made us promise that or why she and Remus think we're just going to hate him or something?" Sirius continued sounding hurt and confused, which James could very much relate with.

"I mean maybe if he was Voldemort or something," he pointed out and Sirius gave a snort of amusement.

"Yeah you're right James I think then I wouldn't be able to like him. But clearly, he isn't a monster," Sirius sounded amused and was luckily looking at Remus because he missed the horror that had suddenly filled James and spread across his face.

Because it all suddenly made sense, a perfectly horrifying, no way could that possibly be it, kind of sense.

Struggling not to stumble backward from the sheer shock of it James slowly moved his legs, inching his way towards his bed, afraid if Sirius looked up and saw him now he'd know James had thought of something and make him tell him.

Which James couldn't do because Lily's promise, her especially insistent promise she forced Sirius to make, made sense and so did Remus' reactions to things that had before seemed … a bit bizarre. Reaching his bed James let out a long shaky breath, knowing Sirius couldn't see him now.

There was no way! If his suspicion was correct then Remus shouldn't even be at Hogwarts. Only Dumbledore had let a vampire into the walls, was this any more dangerous?

Dangerous?

James felt sick, this was Remus, their Remus, no, there was no way.

"Wake me up if you need anything, ok Sirius?" he forced himself to say, sounding muffled as he buried his head in his pillow.

Sirius gave a sound of acknowledgment and James squeezed his eyes tight, resisting the urge to reach under his bed for the scribbled list of dates they had been keeping. No, he'd pair them up on a calendar tomorrow. Tonight James would continue thinking he had just gone a bit crazy.

He was afraid to pair up the dates, to have his suspicions be proven right. Because what if he was right?

Then what?

James squeezed his pillow wishing he could talk to his parents about this only he knew he couldn't, just like he couldn't tell them his two best friends got hurt at home, and he hated that. But this was worse because James was pretty sure he'd know what his mom and dad would do if they found out, and it would hurt Remus. Only he was wrong and there was nothing to freak out about. He'd check the moon cycle tomorrow or the next day….or maybe the next.

It was just because he was still thrown off balance by Lily. Besides, thinking one of his best friends in the whole world might be a werewolf didn't make him one.

At least he really fucking hoped so!