Chapter 37
Over the next few days, Tim did start to improve somewhat. He went to lengthy sessions with Dr. Hicks every morning, and with his continued improvement, he was able to stay home with his family rather than go to a hospital. He had no violent outbursts, but his parents decided to extend their stay to help out, and Zahara was grateful. Ziva came every morning to walk Jethro. She always invited Tim to join her, but he refused. And in fact, the only time Tim left home was to go to see Dr. Hicks. That made Zahara worry that Tim might be afraid of going outside, and she brought it up with Dr. Hicks. He agreed that this probably was a reaction to how he had been taken this time, but that, unless it lasted a long time, it was to be expected and should gradually fade. Gibbs visited a couple of times and told Tim that he would be welcome to come and work on a project when he was ready.
However, Tim still was having nightmares every night. They were in the process of stopping the sleeping pills, but his sleep was rarely peaceful. Sometimes, he woke up in the middle of the night crying and sometimes, he slept through the night but still was affected by the dreams he had. The intense dreams slowed his recovery and didn't help Zahara's worries much either. More than once, Tim had asked her if she wanted him to go to a hospital just so that she didn't have to be the one dealing with him, but Zahara always said no.
No one was mentioning Tony's continued absence, but he was starting to think more and genuinely trying to do what Dr. Hicks had told him to do. However, soon, with the exception of Tim, the MCRT would be going back to work, and no one knew just how that would end up going.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim opened his eyes after yet another nightmare. Having to face these time after time just made him so tired. Even after sleeping all night, he still felt like he was never truly rested. He sighed and rolled over.
Zahara was lying beside him, her eyes open, obviously waiting for him to wake up. Tim still thought she was the most beautiful person in the world, the most beautiful part of his life. And there was still that feeling that he was ruining her by staying with her...but at the same time, the logical part of him knew that it was wrong.
"How did you sleep?" she asked.
"I slept."
"But well?"
"No."
She reached out and cupped her hand over his cheek, brushing gently at the scars on his face.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"You try to apologize every morning," Zahara said, smiling at him. "I will tell you the same thing I tell you every morning. You do not need to apologize for needing to heal."
He managed a smile that time.
"See? You smiled. That is better."
"I wish that was all I needed."
"I know, but it is getting better. Now that you are sleeping more and eating better, you'll keep getting better. I know it, and when our son is born, you will be happy."
Gingerly, Tim reached over and put his hand on her abdomen, feeling where his son was. They hadn't really talked about names yet, not in any serious way...and Tim didn't feel like he could at the moment.
"I have told him he has to stay where he is for a few more weeks, and so far, he's listened," Zahara said, rubbing her belly.
Tim felt an intense pang of guilt. "I'm sorry I'm making this so hard for you. You shouldn't be worrying about me right now. You should be..."
"No, Tim. Please, you don't need to do this every time. I know you wish you were better already. I know you fear what you might do. Please, don't worry about that. I am here with you because I love you and I want to be with you. That has not changed."
"I don't know why this short-circuited my brain like this."
"Have you asked Dr. Hicks?"
"No."
"You should. Maybe he knows or has an idea of why."
Tim shrugged.
"No, Tim. If this is something you don't understand, you should ask. That might help you more."
"Maybe."
"Ziva will be coming to walk Jethro. Will you go with her? You know she'll ask."
Tim felt a twisting in his stomach at the suggestion and he sat up abruptly. Zahara sat up as well and grabbed his arm to keep him from turning away.
"Tim, you know that nothing will happen."
"No. I can't know that. I didn't think anything would happen before. I was wrong then."
"Tim, you are safe now."
"Not until I'm obsolete or dead," Tim said, feeling the panic and anger that instilled in him still.
"No, you are safe. Those who took you have been stopped. They found out how it happened. You are safe."
Tim shook his head and started trembling a little bit. "No. I'm never safe. Someone else will try. Someone else will come after me and take me away again. Whenever they try, they succeed. I never can stop it. And I can't handle this anymore, Zahara. If it wasn't for you and Salma, I would beg the government to hide me away somewhere in a little room where no one could ever find me again. I don't want to face this anymore. I can't."
Zahara scooted close to him and hugged him tightly. Feeling her holding him helped.
"You are safe, and even if it takes time, you'll figure out what to do. Your friends will help you."
Tim hugged her back. He knew he shouldn't lean on Zahara so much, but it felt like her presence really did keep him safe. When she was gone, he was exposed. ...but at the same time, when he was with her, he was putting her in danger. It was that tug-of-war going on in his brain at all times that kept him from settling.
Zahara had not complained once about how much Tim was depending on her right now, but he knew it was wrong to do it.
"And Ziva will be here to help soon. Will you let her help you? Will you go with her when she walks Jethro? She doesn't go very far."
Tim still felt very tense about it. Zahara let him go and put her hand over the hamza he wore almost constantly. She'd actually bought a new waterproof cord so that he could wear it all the time.
"You will be fine. Think about it. I will go and get breakfast while you get ready."
"All right."
Zahara kissed him gently and then left the bedroom. Tim sat where he was for a few minutes. He knew that Zahara wouldn't force him but he also knew that she wanted him to. But leaving home was terrifying. He managed it to get to his therapy, but just leaving and walking outside made him feel like he was just asking to be taken again.
Finally, he got off the bed and went into the bathroom to shower. When he got out, he looked at himself in the mirror. There really hadn't been any major physical problems this time. Sure, he hadn't slept enough. He hadn't eaten enough, but he was really okay physically. It was the mess in his head that was the problem. He touched the hamza and took a deep breath. If only it could really fix things. If only it was as simple as wearing a necklace.
The door to the bathroom opened.
"Tim, breakfast is ready."
"Okay," he said softly.
Another deep breath and he walked out of the bedroom.
"Baba! Sit here!" Salma said, pointing to a chair right beside her.
She hadn't stopped wanting to be with him, but she had stopped being afraid when he went to therapy. Since he always came back, she had managed to incorporate that into things that were normal. Tim was glad of that. He didn't want to see his daughter afraid.
He sat down beside Salma and she leaned against him as Naomi began to dish out the baghrir pancakes Zahara had made. Tim looked at his parents who seemed completely unruffled by what was going on.
"How long are you staying?" he asked.
Sam reached over and patted Tim's shoulder.
"As long as you all need us to," he said.
"But you must have work, Dad," Tim said. "And this can't be exciting or interesting for you and..."
Naomi shook her head.
"Tim, you need us. You're our son. We're here as long as you and Zahara need us to be," she said.
"It is all right, Tim," Zahara said.
"Baba sad?" Salma asked.
"No, Salma," Tim said. "But you can give me a hug."
Salma did and added a syrupy kiss on his cheek. This time, Tim couldn't help but laugh a little at the sticky residue his daughter left behind.
"Thanks, Salma," he said, wiping at his cheek.
"Welcome!"
There were soft chuckles around the table as Salma obliviously went back to eating her pancakes.
The rest of breakfast was remarkably normal. They all finished eating and then Tim allowed Salma to drag him over to the sink to help her wash her hands. Salma's insistence that he be with her didn't bother him like he might have thought it would. It was far too clear that she loved him and just wanted to be with her dad after so long when he'd been gone. It still felt almost normal and Tim found that he could smile at his daughter's antics.
Then, there was a knock at the door and Tim tensed, knowing who it would be.
Naomi answered it and Tim saw Jethro come walking in from the balcony. He clearly knew who it should be as well.
Ziva came in and greeted Zahara, speaking very softly to her. Then, she looked at Tim and smiled.
"Good morning, Tim. Would you like to come with me to walk Jethro?"
"No," Tim said. Then, he took a breath. "...but I will."
Ziva looked surprised and so did Zahara.
"Good. Come."
"Okay. Salma, can you make something for me to take with me to my meeting this morning?"
Salma's face lit up and she nodded. She happily ran off to get her art supplies so that she could make him a picture. Then, Tim walked over to the door with Ziva. She took his hand when he stopped in the doorway.
"Come, Tim. I will be with you the whole time," Ziva said, softly.
"I wish that would help."
"It will. Come."
Tim nodded and let Ziva lead him out of the apartment. He stopped again at the door to the street. Ziva didn't say anything this time. She just tightened her grip on his hand and pulled him through the door.
His tension increased about ten-fold once he stepped outside. He could feel himself trembling. He knew Ziva could feel it, too.
"You are all right, Tim."
"No."
"Yes. Even if you are afraid. You do not have to be."
"Maybe not, but I am," Tim whispered.
"You are fine."
"No, I'm not," Tim said.
"Yes, you are. We will only walk around the block and then go back inside."
Tim wanted nothing more than to pull away from Ziva and run back inside right that moment. He didn't feel in control. He didn't feel safe. He felt terrified.
Ziva kept hold of his hand and Jethro walked slowly beside them, panting contentedly.
Tim was looking around for someone besides his CIA guards following them. Part of him knew it was ridiculous. Most of him was just afraid.
"Does this feel familiar?" Tim asked, trying to keep himself from freaking out.
"What do you mean?"
"You trying to tell me to leave the place I felt was safe, spending all this time trying to make me be normal again. I'm sure it's frustrating."
Ziva looked a little confused for a moment but then she smiled and shook her head.
"You are not the same as you were then. This was bad, Tim. I know it was for you and now, we know what is going on. Back then, we had no idea."
"Ziva, I can't go through this again. I thought I was better. I'm not. I'm really not. And I can't... I told Zahara... If it wasn't for her, I'd go to the government and tell them to hide me away, just so that this can't happen again. I'd beg for it. I can't handle it. Even if I do recover from this, I still can't do it."
Ziva stopped walking and turned Tim toward her.
"Then, we will figure out how to make sure it does not happen again."
"How? No one has done that in more than a decade."
"We have not tried. We have assumed this was the way it had to be. If you cannot do it, then, you will not. We will figure it out, Tim. There will be some way. Perhaps we cannot make you completely safe, but we will make it better. I promise."
"You can't promise something like that."
"Yes, I can. I will do what it takes, Tim. There is a way, and I will find it. Right now, all I can do is walk Jethro. But I will do something more if I can find it."
Then, Jethro tugged at the leash a little bit and Ziva leaned down to pet him. They continued their walk around the block. Tim was still afraid, but getting back to the building with nothing happening, did help a little bit.
They went back home and, as soon as he stepped inside, Salma was running over to him.
"Baba, come see!"
Tim looked at Ziva and managed a weak smile. Then, he let Salma drag him over to the table.
"See, Baba!"
"Tell me what it is, Salma," Tim said.
"This you," she said, pointing at one scribble. "This me." Another scribble. "We are happy!"
"Is Mama there, too?" Tim asked.
Salma giggled and pointed to another one that was mostly just a large circle...with more scribbles.
"Mama!" she said. "All happy."
"It's beautiful, Salma," Tim said, feeling his throat tighten. "I will take it with me when I go to my meeting."
Salma clapped happily and pushed the picture into his hands.
"Tim, I will see you tomorrow," Ziva said.
"Okay," Tim said. "Thanks."
"You're welcome."
Then, Ziva left and Zahara came over to sit beside him while Salma ran off to play with her toys.
"Are you ready?" she asked.
"I have to be," Tim said.
"I will be with you."
"I know."
"Good. Come."
Zahara helped him stand and then, as had become the pattern, Naomi drove them over to Dr. Hicks' office while Sam stayed home with Salma.
"It is better, Tim. And it will keep going that way."
"I hope so," Tim said, softly.
"It will."
Tim tried to believe it.