Chapter 23, not beta-read.
Enjoy!
The next day was tough at best. With the Internet Co members gone for the day, Miku was left alone with five Vocaloids, all of whom were still very confused. It wasn't just because of the situation: apparently they had stayed up til very, very late at night discussing their situation and the various possiblities. Consequently, they didn't fall asleep right away (though there wasn't any more trouble there, luckily), and missed breakfast entirely. Faced with the sudden disappearence of their human protectors, Miku had to explain the concept of a job, why getting paid was important, what money was, and what you could do with it. Only with that out of the way did she finally hear that the Vocaloids had decided against returning to Crypton —much to Miku's relief— and that they hoped to find out what this new life had in store for them.
Rin and Len didn't stick around for conversation. The duo had seemingly sprouted energy and enthusiasm beyond measure overnight, and immediately started testing their physical limits. Though they were, physically, machines, Miku had to remind them that actions did have consequences and that breaking things, or worse, injuring themselves, would be a terrible idea. Fortunately, they were satisfied with climbing trees, running through the grass, hiding throughout the house, and so on.
The more adult Vocaloids presented more of a challenge. Almost immediately after the basics of normal life had been explained, Luka withdrew entirely, isolating herself in the guest room. She did so without explanation, provocation or any obvious reason, and Miku couldn't tell if she was still confused, or if she was upset, and wondered if she might have hurt her unknowingly.
Kaito and Meiko, though they had firmly decided against returning to Crypton, were the most doubtful of the bunch. They kept asking questions of all sorts, asking how things worked, how they were made, why, for who. Miku did her best to answer them, even dedicating most of her day to them, hoping she was doing more good than bad, but their never-ending stream of questions was almost discouraging.
Either because she sensed her fatigue, or had gotten tired with the questions as well, Meiko eventually left to explore the rest of the house, leaving the tealette with Kaito. When it was just the two of them, the man suddenly returned to the scarier questions.
"What if I get a feeling I don't recognize?"
"You'll figure it out, I promise. Even humans in their later years can have trouble with them."
"What if I get a feeling I don't want? A bad one?"
"Then we'll do out best to help you overcome it, cope with it, or even learn to accept it. Again, those are normal, too."
"What if there's something really wrong with me but there's no feeling to match and I drop dead?"
"Then we'll fix you."
"And if it happens again?"
It went on for hours, the interrogation session ending only when Kaito had no questions left. Seeming only half-happy with the answers he'd gotten, he said he was going to go look at the books, so Miku stood and let him read to his heart's content.
With Luka isolated, Kaito busy reading, Meiko and the twins somewhere in the house, Miku was left alone, useless, with nothing to do. She wanted to sing, but feared it would send the wrong message, feared it would encourage them to return to that old rythm. No, she needed to explore as well, exhibit her own curiosity, her own enthusiasm to see the world. But frankly, all she desired was to sing the songs that were hers', and for Luka to return to her.
She didn't have time to be selfish, though. Plus, she had to accept that she probably once had other hobbies, which she had forgotten, and could profit from exploring the various activities the world had to offer.
Before she could even decide on something to try, the twins seemingly materialized before her: they wanted to see a movie. So, she had to show them how to turn on the TV, how to chose the movie they wanted to watch, and the most important buttons on the remote. When that was done, their hosts returned, giving Kaito a new outlet for his questions, and Miku had to help with dinner. Once the food was prepared and the table was set, she then needed to explain the concept of a series to the twins. By dinner time, Miku had had almost zero time to herself.
"Hey, you don't look so hot," Lily whispered to her; they were sitting side by side that evening.
"I'm tired," the tealette replied. "Everybody needs help and has questions."
"Don't forget to take some time for yourself."
Miku nodded, but her eyes lingered on a certain Vocaloid who hadn't spoken a single word to her all day. "Don't worry about me," she ended up replying.
"Only if there's someone else who will do the worrying. You have your friends' back, but someone needs to have yours."
She pretended to agree, but truly, she felt somewhat sad and heartbroken. It was one of those unwanted and unexpected emotions Kaito had feared earlier that day. Of course she was happy that her friends were exploring what life had to offer for them, of course she was happy to see their personalities return. But a selfish part of her couldn't help but miss what she once had. She longed for attention she didn't get, affection nobody thought to give. And it felt so stupid, so stupid!
After dinner, things got easier. The twins were satisfied with their series, something Galaco considered to be 'an oldie but a goodie', Meiko was chatting with Cul (about cooking, Miku liked to hope), Kaito was busy discussing with Gakupo and Kokone, and Luka… Luka was gone again, back to the guest room.
Miku took that opportunity to retire to what had become 'her' room, hoping to take a nap. She was happy that everybody seemed to have found something to do, and liked to imagine that they were starting to rediscover their own identities. The more likely explanation, though, was simply a mixture of boredom and curiosity. After a decade's worth of memory filled with nothing but work, eating, and more work, they probably didn't have the faintest idea of what else could keep them busy except singing. So they looked at the screens, talked to the humans, hoping to glean some answer to this strange existence, hoping to find some other purpose in life than singing.
Even with those thoughts swimming around her mind, Miku immediately relaxed when she lied down, and was too tired to notice when sleep surprised her.
Waking up was still a strange thing for Miku. It happened, at one point. But it wasn't scheduled or even intended. She understood that either the body is rested, or not, and in the latter case, something woke you up.
At first, she suspected she had rested sufficiently, but quickly realized that she wasn't alone in the room any longer. She sat with a start, surprising Luka, who was sitting in the chair by the desk, reading a book.
Luka? Here? Why?
"Wh—"
"Ah, I'm sorry for startling you," Luka replied with an even tone. "And for waking you, I suppose."
Miku forced herself to relax. "Ah, it's fine. I just didn't expect you."
The woman nodded somewhat apologetically. "The twins have finished their episode and had started making a fort of sorts in our room. Gumi told me that I was welcome here."
Confused, Miku was about to ask why Gumi would have sent her here, but stopped herself. The tinkerer probably hadn't known that she was already there, resting, and Luka probably thought that, because Gumi had said it was alright, with or without Miku there, that she could take a seat regardless.
She plopped back down on the bed, too tired to explain the oh-so-subtle not-quite-wrong yet not-quite-ok issue with her simply entering the room while someone was sleeping. She should have locked the door. "What time is it?"
"Almost nine in the evening."
She had slept for an hour. "Oh, ok."
Her limbs felt heavy; she truly was exhausted. Already she could feel sleep pulling her back in. But with Luka in the room, she felt hyper-aware, somehow. She could hear her breathe and she couldn't ignore it. Plus, she could feel her stare on her: the book was forgotten.
"How is everyone?" she ended up asking, hoping to diffuse the unease only she seemed to feel.
"Enjoying a show, the fort, or some conversation. I needed some quiet."
Miku sat up. "Oh. If you want, I'll go."
"No, please stay. You don't bother me at all."
"I might fall asleep."
"Then sleep. I'll stay quiet."
Miku was torn, but her fatigue ended up winning. She fell onto the mattress a second time, letting out a contented sigh as she did so. True to her promise, Luka stayed quiet. Miku could swear that even her breathing had become somewhat subdued. The tealette didn't say a word, letting the Vocaloid have the silence she wanted.
It was strange, to be with her, and have no conversation. A thousand questions burned at the tip of Miku's tongue. What do you think? Are you ok? What do you want? Did you find anything you like doing? What do you think of me?
Will you love me back?
She hated it. She almost wished that she had never looked into the past, discovered this relationship. To be blissfully unaware would be a blessing. A blessing the other Vocaloids had, which she was going to protect with her life, if need be.
Miku breathed again, deeply, trying to exhale the tension. Finally, her body felt ready to fall asleep again, but her mind had woken up. The tealette suppressed a groan of frustration; with Luka in the room, she just couldn't sleep. She knew it.
Almost accidentally, she allowed her eyes to drift on Luka's direction. The taller Vocaloid was sitting back in the chair, with her legs crossed, leaning on her left elbow. Her hands gently cradled the book, which she had continued reading.
She seemed to be completely relaxed and comfortable. Totally oblivious to Miku's presence.
The tealette forced herself to look away, forced herself to fall asleep. She couldn't bear it anymore. She couldn't wait to find out what the future would bring. She needed to be over it, over her, over the past. She needed to let it go, and quickly; this obsession was only going to bring her pain. In a way, she couldn't wait until they would all go and get their status of True AI confirmed: she would be able to go somewhere, far far away, and be able to wait until the pain would fade in solitude. She had said that she would stay, but if everybody else was staying, no matter how much she wanted to be there to help them, the pain of knowing who they once where, what they once had, was probably going to be too great to bear.
Lily had said that she needed to take care of herself, too. More and more, that sounded like a good idea.
She heard Luka put the book down: the hard-cover volume thumped softly against the surface of the desk. Yet the Vocaloid didn't get up, or move, or speak. What was she doing? Going to sleep as well? Simply resting? Or was she watching her?
Miku opened her eyes to find Luka staring at some faraway point that only she could see. Only a second later, the pinkette blinked, and looked back at her. She didn't say anything, but the slight frown she wore was telling.
"Are you alright?" Miku asked her.
Luka's eyes drifted to the floor, her hands clasped together in her lap. "I am not sure," she confessed. "I am a bit lost, and a bit afraid."
The tealette sat up in the bed, unable to stop herself. "Is there anything I can help with?"
"Possibly."
She didn't say more, though. "I understand that things aren't like before," Miku quietly coaxed her. "Even though I had an easier introduction to emotions, I remember how it used to be, and I can easily imagine how brutal this can be for you. Don't worry: I won't judge in the slightest."
She hoped to comfort her, but Luka's clasped hands only seemed to tighten their grip. "Is your memory also failing?" she asked, almost suddenly.
"Yes. It's patchy at best."
Luka sighed. "Ah. Even from… Before you saved us?"
"Everything."
"How are we supposed to remember anything, like this?"
"Well, if we look at things objectively, most of what we used to remember was very mundane. Walking around the house, eating, work… Little stood out, and very little was important. From now on, our lives will be a lot less regular and monotonous. This means two things: first, it's a given that we'll forget some things. This happens to humans all the time, and it's ok. Second, if somebody were to tell you something truly important, or you live an emotionally charged experience, it's more likely to stick. It may take some practice, though. People practice their memory sometimes. In fact, most write important information down in agendas or notebooks. It's… It's natural to not remember things accurately, or to forget them altogether."
Luka considered her reply for a moment. "What if I'm not sure if a memory is in fact a memory, but a dream?"
"How so?"
She hesitated, and the fear on Luka's face was enough to make Miku want to comfort her yet again, but she stayed silent. Eventually, the taller Vocaloid said, "After the operation, we all relived our past, every single day in flawless detail. But now, only a day later, not only have I forgotten most of it, but some parts seem so vague that I cannot tell them apart from the dreams I had last night. I can't recall which are true and which were imagined: they are impossible to distinguish."
"That's also normal," was all Miku had to say. "I'm afraid that there's no remedy for that."
Disappointment replaced the fear. "That's a shame."
"Time may help, though. Soon, with experience and practice, you'll be able to tell them apart."
"What if I forget about them in the meantime?"
"You could write them down. Or, if you don't want to wait, if other people were in the same room when the events happened, you could ask them."
Luka's eyes found hers' again. A gaze that petrified her, charged with questions, and Miku almost regretted ever asking if she was alright.
"I could," Luka conceded. "I might. One day."
The tealette forced a smile. "Great."
A strange feeling overwhelmed her right then, drowning away her sorrow at the situation, melting away the harshness of the piercing gaze. It was…familiarity. Somehow, this single conversation, this handful of minutes of honesty, just the two of them in a small room, felt familiar. And it wasn't because of her meltdown mere days before Master tried to operate her, no. This feeling reached further, deeper, and Miku realized it was something she couldn't remember. Not because she was tired, not because the memories stolen from Luka were failing her, but because it simply reached further back. Not back in time, but back at a different level. It wasn't something visual or physical she could remember. It was the shadow of a presence, a mood, an ambiance that was felt, then forgotten until felt once again.
It was a piece of the past, lost to the ages, until it had been summoned once more. A piece that embodied the easy, loving, supporting relationship they once had, that they may never have again, and it crushed her.
Just like that, completely overwhelmed with heartache, Miku started crying without warning, without a sob. She turned her face away, hoping that Luka wouldn't see it, in vain.
"Miku?"
"It's nothing!" she hurried to assure her, but the way her voice broke betrayed the lie.
"Is— Is this normal, too?"
The tealette shook her head. "No. This is me. Just me."
After a brief hesitation, Luka asked, "Are you alright?"
Miku wanted to laugh, to parrot the answer she had gotten after asking that same question, minutes prior, to distract from the sudden heartbreak that was tearing her apart. But she knew that somehow, Luka would see right through her, and she knew that she didn't have the strength to lie any further. "I'll be fine," she replied instead.
"Do you wish to talk about it?"
Miku shrugged. "It's nothing new," she muttered. "Sometimes, knowing how things once were is a bit painful."
"Are things very different today, to how they once were?"
"Not— Not really. Not yet, in any case. You're all still getting your bearings, figuring out who you are."
"If some things do end up different, will you ever tell us?"
"Never."
"Then why do you keep track? Why continue comparing if it only hurts you?"
"I don't have the luxury of going in blind, like you all do," Miku tried to explain. "If I could forget everything I have seen… Then I would."
Luka pondered again. "Isn't your memory failing, like mine? Aren't you already forgetting much of it?"
"That's true, but I can't help but hang on to the memories I still have, and worse still, the way they made me feel. Things were… Everything was perfect, back then. We were happy. Everyone was happy, I mean. It feels like an ideal I can't help but hope to see again."
She wondered how Luka was looking at her. What she thought of her. What kind of face she was making, if she was sympathetic, or uncaring.
"I understand. Maybe today's ideal isn't like yesterday's, though. Change isn't always bad: you yourself have taught us that in the past day."
"Of course change isn't bad," Miku hesitated, then finally added. "It's just that there are already a few things I miss. I'd hate to lose… To see more go away."
"I see. I'm sorry you have to live the past on your own. It sounds difficult."
Miku dried her eyes: the tears had finally stopped, but that feeling of familiarity persisted, kept aloft with every sentence they exchanged. "It's fine, I'll survive. It's all just a little less intuitive than it could be." She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be helping you all, not—"
"Miku, we're merely facing different challenges," Luka intervened, her tone surprisingly warm. "This does not mean that your difficulties have less worth than ours'."
Miku blinked back her surprise. "I guess. I want to be here for you, to help you. I've gotten so much help, so crumbling instead of helping in turn feels unfair. Unfair both to those who helped me, and to those who need my help."
"I understand. But please understand that you're not only here for us, but we're also here for you."
Miku finally glanced in Luka's direction: a small smile had graced her features, and the tealette was glad that she wasn't facing her, and that the room was dark, for they hid her blush. "You don't have to—"
"Nonsense."
"No, really. It would be silly for me to distract you now, of all times. You ought to be your first priority."
"The same goes for you, doesn't it?"
Miku had no answer to that, try as she might. As a minute ticked by, finding an answer became more and more absurd, so she resigned and sighed, basking in that feeling, suffering quietly all the while.
Before either of them could pick up the conversation once more, someone knocked on the door. Luka replied, and Lily slowly opened the door.
"You're both here?" she asked.
"Yes," answered the pinkette, picking up her book.
"We're going to watch a movie in a few minutes. The twins picked it. Wanna join us?"
"Sure." With that, Luka stood.
"You up for it, Miku?"
"Yeah, I'll be there. Just give me a minute."
The feeling was gone, but the lingering effects remained. Miku took a few seconds to gather her thoughts and to make sure her cheeks were dry before moving to stand. As she got out of the covers, though, she realized that the taller Vocaloid was still there at the bedside. Before she could speak a word, the pinkette stepped forward and stretched out her hand.
How could she say no?
Miku grabbed Luka's wrist, felt fingers wrap around her own, and the strength of the pull as Luka helped her up.
Whether she liked it or not, she couldn't help but blush again.
"Thanks," she mumbled, keeping her head down so Luka couldn't see.
In the living room, the furniture had been arranged so that everybody was facing the TV. Apparently the film the twins had chosen was something that Lily called a 'rom-com'. Almost everybody had taken a seat, but Miku made an effort to sit as far away from Luka as possible: she wanted to be able to focus on anything else. Anything but her, that lingering familiarity, that heartbreak. She ended up sitting way to the side, with Galaco as her only neighbor.
To Miku's dismay, rom-com meant romantic comedy. While the jokes were funny enough, the romance only served to remind Miku of the situation, and she couldn't focus on the film at all. The humor was her only distraction, but it was so laced with the romance-heavy plot that it barely helped at all. After she watched the ridiculous scenes unfold, with terrible problems that could be solved by a minute of honest conversation, supported by 'bad guys' that just had a grudge they couldn't let go, and two absolutely air-headed protagonists who portrayed love as something confusing and blissful, and somewhat dishonest, Miku couldn't say she enjoyed a single part of the movie. In fact, it was almost a relief when it was over, with the lovebirds kissing passionately in front of a setting sun, 'bad guy' defeated with a little bit of common sense and hey, look, a single minute of honest conversation. When the credits started rolling, Gakupo stretched, and Cul stood, asking if anybody would like something to drink. After the orders were made, Meiko offered to help the redhead, but Cul politely declined.
"Just a heads-up," Gumi started as she stood as well. "I know you're all real new to the whole emotions thing, and romance might not exactly be your area of expertise, so here's the disclaimer: that's not realistic."
"Oh?" Kaito seemed surprised. "How so?"
"Art is imitation of reality," Gakupo summed up. "And to make sure people want to watch the movie, or read the book, things are often dramatized, exaggerated."
"Then why make a movie like that at all?" the Vocaloid asked.
"Why not? You can make a movie about anything," Kokone replied. "You can make it about the future, about the past. But if it's about normal life, you got to make sure it stays interesting, or else people won't watch it. Drama is a cheap trick to make it interesting."
Kaito paused. "You can make a movie about anything?"
"Or a book," Galaco added. "Or a song, why not?"
The Vocaloid didn't answer, lost deep in his thoughts. Cul returned with a tray of drinks, and Miku happily accepted the glass of vegetable juice, her eyes trained on the blue-haired Vocaloid. She could see it happen, she could see how the thoughts were piecing together in his mind.
"Alright, time to make dessert!" Cul declared. "Meiko, you're welcome to help now, if you'd like."
"Dessert? It's almost midnight," Gakupo pointed out and the brunette practically leaped up from the couch.
"It's the Vocaloids' first full day with emotion," Cul replied. "I think they deserve a treat for making it this far."
"Sounds fair to me," said Galaco.
Now, Miku followed Meiko with her eyes, until she left the room. "Rin, Len, apparently you made a pillow fort?" she asked, turning her attention to the twins.
"Yeah! It was awesome!" Rin exclaimed.
"We were pirates on the high seas!" Len chimed in.
"And the King's fleet had us surrounded!"
"But we escaped, and then we found treasure!"
Lily chuckled. "You guys certainly have imagination."
"Nah, Len invented the story," Rin said with a giggle. "But I made the most awesome parts of the fort."
Miku watched them with fascination.
"It was an awesome fort," her brother conceded.
"It was an awesome story," his sister said with a happy nod.
Gakupo chuckled. "It would seem that some of you are getting used to emotions quite easily."
Miku smiled, then turned towards Luka, and wondered.