Rated M
Chapter Twenty-Three
Sarah Jane placed a bowl of jelly babies on the table next to the custard creams, hands nervously smoothing down the front of her outfit. She had changed six times before settling on a simple green dress, white flowers stencilled onto the hem, wanting to look casual without coming across as trying too hard. Even so, she had had her hair professionally styled that morning and even asked her cleaner to come around earlier than normal to scrub the place clean, which made her feel a little embarrassed that she was so nervous. The lemon-scented fragrance of the cleaning liquid Tatiana had used remained in the air, making her worry that it was noticeable she had spruced her home up; despite Zoe's assurances that he was eager to catch up and spend some time alone with her, she hadn't actually expected the Doctor to agree to coffee, his entire face lighting up with delight – I get to see your home?. She hadn't had the heart to tell him she envisioned their meeting in a coffee shop, unwilling to wipe the shy pleasure from his face, and so she nodded before scheduling a time just after lunch as they had all needed a good night's sleep after the Deffry High explosion.
"Stop worrying," she said, annoyed with herself. "It's the Doctor."
A quick glance at the clock told her that she still had five minutes and it wasn't as though the Doctor was notorious for being punctual. She was prepared for him not to show up or to show up in a year's time completely unaware he had messed up. To distract herself from her nerves she reorganised the books and journals on her coffee table – research for her next article on the proliferation of nuclear weapons in politically unstable countries, which she suspected was going to require a trip to the region, something that sent excitement fizzing through her instead of the usual quiet dread. There were adventures to be had on Earth still, and perhaps she would contact her editor and float an idea for the book that Zoe had let slip.
The sudden, sharp ring of her doorbell made her jump.
Her eyes darted to the clock on the mantelpiece, surprised: he was exactly on time.
In the hallway, his form distorted and dark in the glass, she paused and drew in a deep breath, calming her nerves and touching her hair before opening the door, a welcoming smile on her lips. His name froze in her mouth when a bouquet of flowers swarmed her vision. Yellow and pink flowers of varying hues held together by a thick purple ribbon edged with gold greeted her, rendering her speechless before the Doctor's face appeared around the side, a small, boyish smile playing on his mouth.
"You still like yellow, don't you?"
"I do," she said, surprised he remembered. He thrust the flowers at her, awkward in his desire to please. "You brought me flowers?"
"I – yes," he said, shifting on her doorstep. "There was a lot of discussion over what was an appropriate gift to bring an old friend. It was all very confusing and not really that helpful so Jack ended up helping me pick some flowers from Zoe's garden. They're all Earth flowers, mostly – I think. She hasn't quite figured out how to keep them from growing into each other yet so there may be an alien petal in there. Don't eat any of it and you'll be fine."
The words fell from his mouth in a rapid jumble, reminding her of the quick nonsense he used to spew, rushing through his speech as though there wasn't enough time. Those first few days after his regeneration when she startled when she saw him from the corner of her eye, expecting a head of white hair and a cape, it was the way he spoke that highlighted how much he had changed – no longer measuring his words and speaking them carefully and succinctly, able to pick a man apart in a few sentences, he was instead a chaotic mess of words that somehow formed a perfect picture in the end.
"You've got a bit of a mouth on you still," she observed, taking the flowers from him, lifting them to her nose, breathing in the scent of early spring.
He flushed, hand rubbing over the back of his neck. "Yeah, I've been told that. It's only been a few months. I'm still getting used to the gob."
"Well, thank you for the flowers, Doctor, they're lovely," she said, stepping aside. "Please, come in."
The moment he stepped into her home she was besieged by the strangeness of having him there. Not once in all the time they worked together at UNIT had he visited her home before. She wasn't able to remember if she had offered, but she did recall Alistair extending an invitation to come around for dinner and being sharply and roundly rebuffed for his efforts. She was sure she refrained from doing the same in order to avoid the sharp edge of his tongue, still not accustomed to the sensitivities of humans then. There was another part of her that was sure he had simply never considered what she did when she wasn't in his line of sight, unaware perhaps that she lived a life outside of him during that time – shopping in supermarkets, going on dates her friends set her up on, spending long nights in the library researching articles.
Often she had considered him the textbook definition of a solipsist, and seeing him in the hallway that she walked every day, taking in the framed pictures on the walls from her travels to Africa, India, South America, the Antipodes, was overwhelmingly strange. It made her feel like she was the young woman she had been when she met him for the first time. Her fingers tightened on her flowers, a stray thorn biting into her, and she shut the door behind him.
"Come on," she said, feeling hot. "I've had the kettle on."
"I do love a good cup of tea," he said, following her through into her spacious kitchen with the large windows and prepared table. "Ooo, jelly babies!"
She smiled. "Help yourself. I didn't know if you still liked them, but –"
"Love 'em," he promised, popping two into his mouth, thrilled. "Thanks."
"Where are the others?"
"In the TARDIS," he said. "She's parked out on the street. Although Jackie's at home. She said she's had enough of my alien nonsense until her birthday, which reminds me." He reached into his pocket and removed an elegant piece of card. "For you. She got them back from the printers this morning. Though when I say she got them back, she sent Mickey and Jack."
Sarah Jane took it from his long fingers and turned it over.
You are invited to join us for drinks and dancing
to celebrate the 40th birthday of
Jackie Tyler
on Friday, February 2nd, from 8pm to late
at the recreation centre on the Powell Estate, Peckham
Theme: Hollywood glamour
And written underneath it in blue Biro was:
RSVP The Doctor – hope you can make it.
"No pressure," the Doctor said, biting into a custard cream with enthusiasm. "But Alistair's going, and Harriet too, barring any national emergencies."
"Harriet?"
"Harriet Jones."
"The Prime Minister?"
"And a friend," he said. "That whole thing with blowing up Downing Street last year? Harriet was involved in that. She's been a friend ever since. That's who Zoe was having dinner with the other night and who called her yesterday at the school."
To say that Harriet had not been happy that the school had blown up was an understatement. Zoe had received a phone call as they were picking through the rubble to reach the untouched TARDIS, pulling bits of building off of her, brushing her clean in order to free the door just enough for them to slip through. The Doctor hadn't heard much of the conversation as Zoe had stepped away to take the conversation but, judging from the body language and the way her loud exclamation of I promised not to blow up anything, but the others made no such promise so, really, I don't see why you're upset, it seemed that Harriet was upset by events; Zoe wasn't bothered about it though, merely smiling when she returned, digging back into the mess. The Doctor wasn't sure he fully understood the friendship Zoe and Harriet shared but he imagined it to be rather like the one he had with Alistair – loving but tempered by exasperation.
"Oh," she said softly, wondering how awkward it would be to attend before deciding that if Alistair was going to be there then it shouldn't be that bad. Besides, she hadn't seen Alistair since her aunt's funeral and the idea of catching up with him was a pleasant one. "I'd like to come. Please, tell Jackie yes."
He nodded and picked up a cookie and dipped it in his tea while she pinned the invitation to the front of her refrigerator with a plain black magnet. "This is a nice house."
"It was my aunt's," she said, sitting down, tucking her feet beneath her chair. "When she died I thought about selling it but, I don't know, it's home." He nodded, mouth full of cookie and tea, saving her from hearing whatever he thought passed for sympathy these days. "I – your friends are nice. Very...you."
He swallowed. "What does that mean?"
"Brave, funny, clever," she listed. "Not likely to put up with your bullshit."
His eyebrows rose. "My bullshit?"
"You know exactly what I mean," she said, and he grinned. "I like them. Not like you to travel with a group though."
"It was initially just Rose," the Doctor said, remembering the brief period when it was just him and Rose in the TARDIS – Platform One, Cardiff, 1869, and then the week's worth of adventure they had while waiting for Zoe to finish her exams before deciding to cheat and skip ahead to pick her up – he sometimes forgot that Zoe and Jack hadn't been there all along. "But then Zoe came along and I haven't found a way to shake Jack yet."
She laughed. "You like Jack."
"I do, I really do," he admitted. "I didn't at first. Thought he was full of hot air and charm, but he grew on me pretty quickly, and the girls liked him so I was more or less stuck with him at that point."
"Whatever the reason, they seem to be doing wonders for you." She hesitated and curled her fingers around her own cup of tea. "What you told me about Gallifrey, I'm glad you're not alone while dealing with all that. You've always been a little rubbish at being on your own."
"I have, haven't I?" He said, picking bits of damp cookie out of his tea. "After I lost Gallifrey...I was lost. They saved me, each one of them, even Jackie in her own way."
She looked at him, past the smooth face free of signs of his advanced age, past the careless attitude he wrapped around him like a blanket, and sought the man underneath it all, trying to find clues to the things he had done in the years they spent apart. It was difficult but it was there in the rounded edge of his shoulder, the way his fingers constantly moved, tapping and fiddling, afraid to be completely still. When she had known him, there were times when she came upon him sitting as still as a statue, eyes open and staring at nothing; he always said he was just thinking and she believed that but she couldn't imagine the man in front of her simply sitting down and thinking.
"What happened?" Sarah Jane asked, carefully. "With Gallifrey, I mean. How can they all just be gone?"
Cracks ran across the surface of his facade, snapping open to reveal the depth of grief and despair that echoed within him. Her fingers touched her throat, worried she had gone too far, but with his eyes fixed on the bowl of jelly babies, he told her the story of Gallifrey's destruction. It wasn't the dark, ugly version he had given Zoe, but rather the sanitised version that he had shared with Rose and Jack. Talk of the Moment never left his lips, his shame at being the architect of Gallifrey's destruction too much to share with someone other than Zoe, but he spoke of Susan, a single tear sliding down his cheek as he detailed her death and then those of his children. His face was damp and tea was cold by the time he reached his return to Earth, crashing into Foreman's junkyard where he had first arrived all those centuries ago.
"I don't think I stopped screaming for days," the Doctor said, staring out of her kitchen window, watching a sparrow flutter its wings rapidly. "The empty place where my people had been, the touch they had on my mind, was gone. I don't know how to describe it, not properly, but it was the worst feeling of being cut adrift, alone in the most awful way. I was reaching out for someone, anyone, and I just kept finding this expansive loneliness – I was drowning and there was nothing to hold onto, no one to grab."
"God," Sarah Jane breathed, wiping the tear from her cheek before reaching out to touch his hand, curling her fingers over his. "Doctor, I'm so sorry that happened. I can't – I wish you hadn't had to live through that."
He covered her hand with his and smiled, sadness pressed into him.
"So do I, every single day." He cleared his throat and looked at her again. "You remember that time on Skaro? When I had those wires in my hands?"
She looked at him steadily, unsure why he was pulling on that particular thread. "I do. I've thought about it on and off over the years."
"I was so sure I was right," he said, almost as though he hadn't heard her, desperate to unburden himself to someone who had been there. "I thought that by touching those wires together I would be exactly like the Daleks, genocidal, monstrous." And look what you became anyway, his mind hissed. "You told me I should destroy them, told me that there would be suffering afterwards if I didn't, but I decided not to do it. I said that perhaps something good might come of the evil they would inflict." He shook his head, disgusted with himself. "What an arrogant man I was."
"You thought you were doing what was right," Sarah Jane said. He shook his head, a dark look of self-hatred flashing across his face. "No, listen. No one could've predicted what they would go on to do. Yes, they were evil then, but what right did we have the right to destroy every one of them? Did the Time Lords have the right to ask you to do that? No, they didn't. You said that it was on your shoulders, you and you alone, and that wasn't fair. If they wanted it done, then they should've done it themselves."
"Everything they've done though," he said, doubt plaguing him. "Not just to Gallifrey but around the universe, I could have stopped that."
"Maybe," she agreed. "But would you still be you if you had? Would you still be the Doctor?"
There was no way for Sarah Jane to know what he had confided to Zoe years ago about that moment – holding the wires in his hands and making the decision not to: that single moment in time when he became the Doctor. Before then his name was the affectation that his friends teased him about it being, just a word he had adopted because he needed a name to graduate the Academy; after that moment though, he drew his promise around him and let it settle in his bones, informing who he was and how he acted. If he had done what the Council wanted him to do, then he wouldn't have walked away from Skaro that day, someone else would be living his life. The what ifs and close misses made him brain hurt, and he turned his palm over to cup her hand properly.
"I've missed you," the Doctor admitted, quietly. "I'm sorry I never came back."
Tension seeped from her, a decades' old wound beginning to heal. "Thank you."
"I hope you know that it wasn't a reflection on you," he said, lifting his eyes hesitantly to hers. "I didn't come back because I was afraid, not of you but rather of me getting hurt. I'm something of a coward, you see."
She squeezed his hand and chose her words carefully.
"It was hard, at first – for a long time actually. Those first few days...at least I had something to focus on: getting myself from Aberdeen to Croydon with K9, my things, and no money. It gave me something to do, but then I was back here, and I thought to myself – he'll be back, but then each day passed and you didn't. It was so hard to settle. I kept starting things but abandoning them halfway through, unable to finish anything, but I started living again, eventually." She shook her head, looking at his hand and the dark hairs growing out of his skin. She slid their fingers together, her other hand reaching out to cover his wrist. "But it's funny. Last night I was thinking...I haven't actually thanked you for that time. I – it was the most incredible thing I've ever done, the most important, and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. So, thank you."
"Thank you for coming with me," he said, roughly, embarrassed by the emotion in his throat. "I wouldn't have missed you for the world either." Her smile was wet but beautiful. "Besides, something to tell the grandkids, I suppose."
Regret twisted in her chest and her mouth twisted. "I think it'll be someone else's grandkids now."
The awkward look on his face almost made her laugh. "Ah, yes, sorry, I – er – I didn't get a chance to ask what with everything. You haven't –? I mean, there hasn't been anyone, you know? There's no Mr Smith?"
"There was this one guy," she told him, letting herself finally let go of it after thirty years, and the weight that lifted from her chest made her feel dizzy and free. "I travelled with him for a while, but he was a tough act to follow." He looked down at their hands, thumb brushing over her knuckles, the closest acknowledgement she would get. "But what about you? All these years and there's never been someone that you grew closer to? And don't give me that line about being above it all, I've seen you and Cleopatra together."
"She's a friend!"
"Of course," Sarah Jane replied, patting his arm. "A special friend."
The look of annoyance that twisted itself into existence on his face made her laugh, the sound of which softened his features, eyes rolling. His friends were determined to see things that weren't there when it came to him and Cleopatra. She was a good friend and while there might have been a time when he was mildly infatuated with her – though, he would argue it was impossible not to as she was intelligent, well-read, and fascinating – that infatuation faded away over time. Admittedly, walking in on her, Julius Caesar, and a plethora of oiled slaves had helped to hasten the demise of his feelings as nothing was more of a turn off than seeing someone bed slaves who were unable to consent.
"There was a woman," the Doctor admitted, pulling the loose skin back over her knuckle in an absent manner. "Romana. She was a Time Lord – Lady – but she died during the War. She was actually President of Gallifrey for a long time, but before that she had travelled with me – after you, to be honest. Not that I wanted her to but the Council overruled me. I found her quite annoying in the beginning...and towards the end. Also, during the middle bit too."
Sarah Jane shook her head, amused. "She was good for you then?"
"Oh, absolutely," he agreed, looking at her as he weighed up his options before deciding to take the plunge. "And now there's Zoe."
The simple fact of speaking it out loud was novel to him.
Admitting to his relationship with Zoe – putting it into words that he couldn't pull back – was wonderful.
Sarah Jane blinked. "Zoe?"
"With the hair," he said as though she hadn't seen Zoe only last night when they had all had dinner together, the two of them laughing over Sarah Jane's story of attempting to escape the Sontarans in the Middle Ages. "And the –" he mimed typing, "computer skills."
"But Zoe's human."
"Yes."
"But that means –" her mind worked, and he looked away when her face flooded with sympathy before she was able to stop it. "Oh, Doctor. I suppose you've always been a glutton for punishment, haven't you?"
"I know there's a time limit," he admitted, voice shaded with resignation. "I do. She can't – there's going to come a day when I have to say goodbye, but I've tried not to love her and failed miserably at it. I just want whatever time I can get with her."
"And there was Finch dangling the God Maker in your face," she sighed, reaching out to rest her palm against his face. His eyes closed as he leaned into her touch, her thumb smoothing over his freshly shaved jaw. "You poor, hopeless man. I suppose you're old enough to realise how this is going to end but I say that even brief happiness is better than nothing at all. It's like I told Rose the other night: some things are worth getting your heart broken for."
He opened his eyes. "So you approve?"
"Does it matter if I don't?"
He considered the question. "A little, I think."
"I like Zoe," Sarah Jane said, honestly. "Though I haven't had the chance to get to know her as well as the others, but she seems kind, funny, intelligent – and as long as she treats you well, that's all there is to it. Does she, treat you well that is?"
He smiled. "She does."
"Well, then." Squashing the rise of jealousy inside of her – too old and too far removed from the woman she was to be troubled by that, she smiled before a thought struck her. "No one mentioned it the other night though. We were talking and..." she rolled her eyes. "They don't know."
The Doctor straightened, eyes turning shifty, and he grimaced. "Yeah, it's still relatively new between us and Jackie's only just started liking me after a period of fervently despising me and wishing to never see me again, so we're sort of keeping it to ourselves for a while. Alistair knows though, so it's not a secret-secret, more of a find-the-right-time-to-tell-the-family thing."
"My lips are sealed then," she promised. "But I'm happy for you, really. She's a little young –"
He laughed and flicked a crumb at her. She pulled her hands back, smiling. "So, where are you off to next then?"
"I don't know," he said, returning his attention to his lukewarm tea. "See where the wind takes us, I guess. And, listen, about what Rose said yesterday, about coming with us, I mean –"
"Oh, Doctor, I don't –"
"Please come," he interrupted. "I'd love for you to come."
She stared at his earnest face and almost laughed at how she was finally getting everything she had wanted since the TARDIS wheezed out of her life thirty years ago only to discover that she now no longer wanted it.
"I've dreamt of this for years," Sarah Jane said, honestly, "but now that it's here, I can't. I'm sorry. I've spent so much of my time waiting for you, not really living my life properly, that it's time I stopped waiting for you and started living. But, I expect to see you every now and then for a coffee and a catch up. No more of this disappearing for decades. We're friends, we're going to start acting like it."
"All right," the Doctor said, pleased with the compromise. "I'd like that."
"Good – what is that?" He slid his phone across to her. "You have a mobile?"
"Kind of mandatory when you're in Zoe's vicinity," he said. "I tried not to use it but she insists on sending me messages on it, and I've got used to it now. Pop your number in there though and we can text. Rose is teaching me text speak. I think I'm getting good at it – lol, omg, wtf – I'm practically fluent."
"Sounds like it," she said, amused, quickly typing her number in and calling her phone to save his details later.
"Do you want to see the TARDIS before I go?" He offered. "She looks a little different to what you remember."
"I'd love to see her again," she smiled, pushing back from the table and letting him lead her out of her house to where the TARDIS was parked on the pavement, innocuously tucked next to the postbox. He opened the door and escorted her inside where she paused and she blinked, taken aback. "Oh, you've redecorated."
"What do you think?"
"It's nice," she said because that was the truth, eyes sweeping over the organic coral struts and examining the grating on the floor. "I liked the old one though, bit brighter."
"Tell me about it," Zoe said, drifting into the console room, reading glasses atop her head, a welcoming smile on her face. "I've been thinking about winding some fairy lights around the struts just so I can see what I'm doing."
"You can see just fine," the Doctor said, reaching for her. "Where are the others?"
"Kitchen - oh." She startled when he pressed a chaste kiss to her mouth. Her eyes slid to Sarah Jane who watched them, curious and unsurprised, warmth blooming through her at the realisation the Doctor had told his friend about them. "He hasn't broken anything of yours that needs replacing, has he? My mum's constantly on at him for touching things."
"I fixed her washing machine," he complained. "I don't know what she's going on about."
"I think it's more the fact that there's now a baby squid taking up residence in the barrel," Zoe said. "She's blowing up my phone demanding to know when you're coming to get it."
"Sounds like business as normal then," Sarah Jane smiled.
"Unfortunately," she agreed. "I had far fewer cephalopods in my life before I met him."
"And wasn't that a shame?" He asked as Jack, Mickey, and Rose spilled into the room, alerted to Sarah Jane's presence by the TARDIS turning the air in the kitchen arctic.
"Hey, you're here," Rose greeted, crossing the room to hug Sarah Jane. "He's not been drivin' you barmy, has he?"
"No more than usual," Sarah Jane replied as the Doctor rolled his eyes.
"Are you coming with us?" Jack asked, rolling onto the balls of his feet, hopeful. "Please say yes, please say yes."
"No, I'm afraid not," she said, gratified by the disappointment that swept their faces. "But I'll see you all in a fortnight anyway. Jackie's invited me to her birthday party, and I thought it might be nice to go."
"Brilliant," Rose beamed. "D'you want to have a nose in the wardrobe for somethin' to wear? Mum's got her heart set on this bloody theme, don't know why though. It's not like she even likes Hollywood glamour – I blame Jack myself."
He twisted to look at her. "What did I do?"
"Got Mum all fixed on a theme when we were in Jamaica," she replied, dropping her voice an octave and adopting a surprisingly good imitation of Jack's accent. "Oh, hey, Jacks, have you thought about a theme? Everyone loves a good theme. Let's have a theme."
Zoe nodded. "That does sound familiar."
"Well, forgive me for wanting Jackie to have a memorable fortieth birthday," Jack said, sarcasm heavy in his words. "Let's just slap out some sausage rolls and crack open a bottle of rum and call it a party, shall we? You lot have absolutely no taste when it comes to festivities, no sense of circumstance." He stepped over to Sarah Jane and offered his arm. "Allow me. Unlike these uncouth barbarians, I know how to dress for a party. There's a lovely dress in the wardrobe that I think would suit you perfectly."
"I don't know..." Sarah Jane said, unsure if she should stay for longer, eyes glancing to the Doctor who appeared thoroughly used to the antics unfolding before him.
He waved a hand. "Go on. I was able to repair K9 –" bright happiness and delight drenched her face. "And I need to run a final check on him. It'll take a little bit but, when I'm done, you can have your dog back."
She reached out and squeezed his arm. "Thank you, Doctor."
The smile remained on his face as she was swept away by the combined forces of his friends; Jack was chattering about the colours he thought might suit her before Zoe waved her hand, dismissing his suggestions, imperious in a way that only came about when discussing fashion or politics, both having been learnt at Reinette's side, mimicking her wife's body language unconsciously. As they left the room, his smile stretched across his face, happiness pouring into him and overflowing; picking up the Bach that Zoe had been humming for days, he left the console room to fetch K9, pleased with how everything had come together in the end.
"There we go," the Doctor said, sleeves pushed up his arms, lifting the dripping baby squid out of Jackie's washing machine, avoiding its energetic tentacles as he placed it in a large plastic box filled with water that Rose clumsily covered with the lid. "One baby squid, removed."
"It's not goin' to do that again, is it?" Jackie asked, suspiciously, wet clothes strewn out of the washing machine where she had dropped them with a scream when the squid had blinked at her, tentacle reaching out to curl around her wrist.
"Shouldn't do," he said, pushing the clothes back in and rising to his feet. He scooped out a small cup of washing powder from the box on the counter and tipped it into the tray. "But, just to be on the safe side, let's run a quick wash."
She sighed. "Why is it always weird with you?"
"Just lucky, I guess."
"What are we goin' to do with this one?" Rose asked, already enamoured with the squid, playing patty cake with it through the plastic. "Where's it from anyway?"
The Doctor leaned over and peered at it. "Earth, off the coast of Mexico to be exact."
"Why would you even know that?" Jackie asked before she shook her head, desperate for a glass of wine despite it only being the middle of the day – it wasn't the first time the Doctor and his antics had driven her to drink, and she doubted it would be the last. "Never mind, I don't want to know. Just get it out of here, would you?"
"Don't want to keep it?" He straightened up, a teasing glint in his eyes, drying his hands on her tea towel. "Fill up the bath tub, call it George?"
"I'm about to thump you," she warned. "Besides, it's clearly a Gary."
"How Rose and Zoe ended up with decent names, I'll never know." He ducked the wet sponge she threw at his head, grabbing the box with Gary the squid. "Right then, we'll be off. See you for your birthday, I suppose."
"Don't be lately," she said, sternly. "I'm not goin' to be that woman who has a birthday without her daughters there, that's just sad an' pathetic. You bring them back on time, you hear?"
"For the fifty-sixth time, yes, I hear you," he said, annoyed. "Honestly, I'm not deaf."
"Could've fooled me, now, c'mere."
A deep groan reverberated from his chest as he was forced to submit to her affections, grateful when Rose rubbed the pink lipstick off his cheek for him.
"That was horrible," he complained. "Please let me leave now."
"Go on then."
He darted out the door before she waylaid him further, leaving Rose behind to say goodbye. She caught up with him at the lift. "We're not keepin' him, are we?"
"Who, Gary?" He heaved the box up and scrunched his nose at the squid who was staring out of the box with an air of perplexed bemusement. "Nah, we'll swing by Mexico and drop him off, maybe stop for some food. I'm a bit peckish, are you peckish?"
"I could eat," she agreed, stepping into the lift and pressing the button for the ground floor. "Wanna make a bet?"
He looked at her, interested. "On what?"
"On whether Mickey's waitin' there to ask you if he can come," she grinned, tongue curled between her teeth. "There's a tenner in it for you."
"I'm not in the habit of throwing my money away, thank you," he informed her. "Of course he's going to be there. Now, if you want to make a bet about him and Jack, I might be interested."
She scoffed. "Please, that's definitely happenin'. Jack hasn't been able to stop grinnin' since we got here an' Mickey's actin' all shy an' embarrassed. It'd be gross if it wasn't adorable."
He laughed at that before looking her over for signs of emotional distress. Humans had the capacity to be infinitely loving but oddly jealous – not that he was much better but it was always a roll of the dice to see how a human might react. "And you're okay with that? Mickey's your ex-boyfriend and Jack's Jack."
"Course I'm okay with it," she said. "Me an' Jack talked about it a while back. It's a little weird but I think that's mainly because Jack's a bloke an' I didn't realise Mickey liked blokes."
"To be fair to Mickey," the Doctor said as they exited the lift. "It may not be blokes he likes, it may just be Jack."
"He does kind of defy definition, doesn't he?"
"He really does," he agreed, passing through the door she held open for him with a cheery thanks, happily ignoring the strange looks they received from Priti Azadi who hurried past with a Tesco bag swinging from her hand. "How are you, by the way?"
"Me?" Surprise passed across her face. "Fine, thanks. How are you?"
He laughed. "No, you plum, I meant with the last few days. I know – the other night it got a little tense between us. We haven't had a chance to talk. I just want to make sure we're okay."
"Oh, that." She looked down at the ground, her arms folding across her chest. "I might've been a little unfair."
He shrugged. "You were honest...and only a little hurtful."
"Stop bein' so nice," she sighed, annoyed at the easy forgiveness, and he pressed his lips together to hide his smile. "It was a shock, I s'pose. Like a look at the future an' I didn't like what I was seein' but –" she hesitated, vulnerable and young. "You're not goin' to do that, are you? Just leave us behind like you did with Sarah Jane?"
The truth was, the Doctor didn't know what he was going to do. Much of what would happen would depend on Zoe and how things unfolded between them, but there was a bigger factor – separated from his love for and relationship with Zoe – that he couldn't ignore.
"I was a different man then," the Doctor said, the tiniest sigh falling from him. "I still had Gallifrey, my children –"
She tripped and nearly went sprawling across the ground, catching herself on his arm at the last moment, sloshing water out from under the lid; Gary, distressed by the sudden rough waters, slapped his tentacles against the wall in annoyance. "Your what?"
"My children," he repeated, arm wet, taking in her wide eyes and parted mouth, astonishment and disbelief etched into her features. "I was a father once, a long time ago now. They died during the War. When I said I lost everything, I mean I lost everything."
"God, Doctor." Horror threaded itself through her voice, tipping it low with despair and grief, mouth trembling as she tried to find the right words to say. "I – I didn't know. You've never said."
"It's not something I like to talk about," he admitted, clearing his throat. "It's – the war, Rose – it's not an easy thing to have survived. I try not to think about it too much because if I do, if I let myself think about what happened to me and what I did –"
"You worry that you'll never be able to move again because the pain is so sharp an' the guilt is so overwhelmin'," Rose finished for him.
He frowned, confused. "How do you –?"
"Before meetin' you...it wasn't a war but it was..." she trailed off, unable to speak. "I don't like thinkin' about some things either."
"Jimmy Stone." She flinched, eyes panicked and guarded, and he instantly felt sorry for putting that look on her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to throw that at you. The other night you took a step back from me and I realised I frightened you. Zoe explained that you've reason to be afraid of people coming at you quickly. She didn't tell me much, just enough to know that you and him had a bad relationship."
Her body relaxed, hand passing over her face. "Zoe doesn't know everythin'. There's a lot I didn't tell her then. She was so young an' I wanted to protect her from some things. Only – Mickey's the only one who knows everythin', an' it's hard to talk about. I wasn't afraid of you, y'know. It was just – it was instinctive. I'm not afraid of you."
The Doctor swallowed against his dry mouth. "Good. I – that's good. I don't ever want you to be. I won't do it again. I didn't mean to do it."
"It was dark an' I wasn't lookin' at you, that's all," she said. "Please don't feel guilty."
"Can't help that," he said. "Jack says it's my default setting."
"He's not wrong," she replied, drawing a smile from him as she looked up into his face. Gary was beginning to make his arms ache so he set the box down on the ground between them, standing outside the TARDIS. "I'm sorry about your children, Doctor."
"I'm sorry about Jimmy Stone," he replied. "But the point I was getting at before is that back when I knew Sarah, I had a family on Gallifrey, I had a life outside of the travelling even though I didn't like it much – I did stuff for my government, occasionally went back to work – but I had that. Now...now this is all I have: the TARDIS, the travelling, you lot." He weighed whether or not to tell her the truth before deciding that there was nothing to lose but everything to gain. "When I met you, I was going die."
She frowned. "What?"
"That night we met in Henrik's, I was going to blow up the building with me inside it," he said, watching as tears welled in her eyes. "I wasn't coping with my survival but I was too much of a coward just to kill myself, which, for a Time Lord, is actually difficult because of the whole regeneration thing. So I was going to blow myself up, but then I met you and, at the last minute, I left the building. Then I met you again the next day at the flat, and then at the restaurant, and I was annoyed because this scared, angry human girl kept getting in the way of me killing myself. It was like – even when you refused to come with me that first time, I didn't feel that same dark feeling that I'd had since I woke up to realise everything and everyone was gone."
"Doctor," she whispered.
"You, Rose Tyler, were like the dawn after a very long night." The tears slipped down her face. "You saved my life without even realising it. So, to answer your question, no, I'm not going to leave you behind. You're my family – you, Zoe, Jack, hell, even Mickey and Jackie."
Unable to stop the tears, she wiped them away, sniffing. "I never knew any of this."
"Now you do."
She peered up at him and looked so young that his hearts ached. "I'm glad I was there that night."
"Me too," he said softly, opening his arms and she fell into them, hugging him tightly as her tears wet the front of his jacket. "I'd have none of this if it wasn't for you. I'm not going to forget that."
As she sniffed into his shirt, breathing in the warm, spicy fragrance of him, her love for him nearly choked her, fingers curling into the lapels of his jacket, anchoring herself to him. She wanted to stay in that moment forever, understanding settled perfectly between them; yet, meeting Sarah Jane and actually listening to her – the things she said and the things she didn't - Rose knew that the life she had dreamt for herself with the rest of her days spent travelling in the TARDIS was never going to happen. The dream lay at her feet, shattered on the altar of reality, and it hurt even though she understood why it was broken. Jackie used to accuse her of living with her head in the clouds, weaving an imaginary life about her and turning her back on the things she didn't like in favour of bright optimism, but she couldn't turn her back on the truth revealed through meeting Sarah Jane.
One day, she was going to leave the TARDIS. There was already a her out there living that future, a her that had had adventures she couldn't yet dream of, who had lived her life on the TARDIS and made the decision to return home. That woman was a stranger to her but she knew that it was going to be okay. She had faith in herself that when she became that woman, she would be ready, even if the hurt was going to swallow her whole. Once before she had put all of herself into a relationship and after being released of Jimmy's insidious grip, she had sworn never again: not even the Doctor was worth giving herself up like that again, no matter how much she loved him.
She closed her eyes against his chest, the thrum of his two hearts beneath her ear, and she held onto the moment for as long as she could.
"You're my family too, y'know," she murmured into his chest before pulling back, hands on his arms. "An' I get it now. I want to travel with you forever but I understand why I can't, although I hate it." His mouth curved a little at her emphatic declaration. "But that doesn't mean we're not goin' to see each other, right?"
"Right," the Doctor said, firmly. "Me and you, Rose Tyler, best mates."
She nodded and pulled back, spitting on her hand as she and Shareen did to seal pacts, thrusting it out to the Doctor. "Best mates."
He stared at it. "Rose, that's really gross."
Inside the TARDIS, the sound of Zoe and Jack bickering washed over Mickey - it's supposed to have a hard outer shell, so hard you think you're going to break your teeth, Zoe argued; deserts aren't supposed to come with the risk of dental surgery, Jack rebutted. As with most of their nonsensical disagreements, Mickey wasn't sure what had started it but an offhand comment about a canalé had devolved into something else. Their back and forth was a welcome distraction from the tumultuous storm that crashed through him, hands shoved into his pockets as he resisted the urge to fiddle with the buttons on the console, shoulder pressed against Jack's. Waiting for the Doctor and Rose to return from dealing with the squid in Jackie's washing machine was agony, see-sawing back and forth between wanting to travel but also wanting to stay where it was safe and he knew what waited for him. If ever there was an advertisement against TARDIS travel, then it was Zoe Tyler – tortured, stranded, brain nearly ripped apart – and he worried that something like that might befall him, but then Jack laughed and all Mickey wanted to do was to hear him laugh again and again, solidifying his certainty that he was making the right decision.
He hoped.
Maybe.
He was going to be sick.
"– a normal thing to do."
"It's saliva."
"So?"
"So, it's not exactly sterile."
"Then why do people snog?"
"Sex makes people crazy," the Doctor said, setting the squid down on the floor, pushing it beneath the console with the side of his foot. He straightened up and gave Rose a small push with his shoulder, a grin appearing on her face. "Hello, gang – team – posse." He grimaced. "Nope, still not sure what to call you as a group."
"I vote not posse," Zoe said.
Jack raised a hand. "Seconded."
"Motion passed," Rose nodded. "Posse's off the table."
"This isn't a democracy," he said, well aware the argument was already lost and happy for it. He gestured at Gary. "We're going to take him back to Mexico, probably stop for dinner as well, so Mickey, you might want to hop off now."
Embarrassed nervousness clawed at him, Jack's hand a solid, comforting weight on his back as he curled his fingers into fists in his pockets. "About that...d'you mind if –?"
"Your bedroom's already set up next to Jack's," the Doctor spoke over him. "Same one as last time. You know where everything is so we can skip the tour. You left anything behind? Tough, we're not coming back until Jackie's birthday."
Mickey stared at him, the wind taken from his sails, the expression on his face making Rose and Zoe laugh. "What?"
"Not exactly a surprise you want to come with us," he said. "We've been expecting it."
"You have?"
"Since Christmas," Zoe told with a small, apologetic shrug that meant nothing with the smile on her face. "Glad you finally made up your mind. We've been missing you."
"Yeah," Rose said, leaning against the Doctor, his arm around her shoulders. "Be nice to have everyone together properly. Almost, I mean, 'cause Mum's not here."
"Thank Rassilon for small mercies," the Doctor murmured, rubbing his eye and grunting when Rose elbowed him. "But, yes, it'll be nice to have you on board and all that. I was beginning to get a little offended." A long finger pointed at Mickey. "You, Mickey Smith, have the dubious honour of turning me down the most. I don't like that. You were harder work than Zoe to get on board."
"It does you good to work for something every now and then," she said, sliding from the jumpseat to squeeze Mickey's arm. "Welcome aboard, Mickey. Finally."
"We should have streamers," the Doctor said, looking down at Rose. "Why didn't we think of streamers? And those little party popper things. I like them."
Bewildered, Mickey looked to Jack who had a hand across his face, smile creeping up towards his eyes, delighted at being proven right. Over the last few days, he had repeatedly told Mickey that the others were eager to have him come along, and Mickey leaned into him a little, silently pressing his gratitude against his side. Jack lifted his left eyebrow, a minute twitch that conveyed a volume of information and one simple question. The nerves slammed back into him, mouth drying out, but he nodded, refusing to go back on what he had already agreed to even though he was terrified. The good opinion of the Doctor, Rose, and Zoe meant everything to him, and although Zoe had been married to a woman, she was Zoe: the rules seemed different for her.
"There's something else," Jack said, three sets of eyes turning in his direction as he caught their attention. "This won't come as a surprise to any of you but it needs to be said." Looks were exchanged between the Doctor and Rose; Zoe leaned her hip against the console, arms folded across her chest, waiting. "Mickey and I are together. It's still very, very new so holding off on the teasing would be appreciated for the time being. We'll be keeping separate bedrooms but there will be the occasional public display of affection – nothing too serious, but affectionate nonetheless."
Mickey felt the world spinning around him, growing dizzy from the speed, barely able to hear the silence above the rush of his blood.
"It's not a surprise," Zoe agreed, remembering the way she had walked in on them in the medical bay, interrupting something on Christmas Day and the awkward and odd conversations she had had with Mickey in Massachusetts. "It's been clear that the two of you've been growing closer, and I'm happy for you. We're happy for you. Right, guys?"
"Absolutely," the Doctor nodded, enthusiastically. "The more love the better. I do question your taste though."
"Doctor," Zoe and Rose chastised in unison.
"Who?" Jack asked, confused. "Me or –?"
"Both of you," he said, curling away from Rose's hand that slapped against his chest, grinning as he did so to take the sting out of his words. "Surely you can both do better."
"You be quiet," Zoe instructed, catching Mickey's eyes. "Ignore him. You know he's a prat."
He didn't mind. The Doctor's usual insulting behaviour helped to normalise the situation and restore balance within him; though, he did feel hot and uncomfortable with how well everything was going. It wasn't that he had expected angry accusations, expressions of disgust, or mockery, but to have everything go smoothly meant that he had worried for nothing. Even telling Jackie had been easier than he thought, her reaction the most unpredictable – he wasn't one of her kids, and she used to say some unintentionally homophobic things until a fourteen-year-old Zoe had put together a presentation on the damaging nature of ingrained homophobia like the tiny little nerd she had been. Having cornered her that morning before they left in the TARDIS to meet Sarah Jane, helping her sort through the pile of dirty laundry that tended to accumulate when her flat was invaded by TARDIS occupants, he had told her.
"I know, darlin'," she told him, mouth fighting against her smile. "You've not been that subtle, but it doesn't matter none. Jack's a good egg an' lord knows you need someone properly infatuated with you. This'll do you good, love."
The easy acceptance left him unsettled.
"If you two ever want to go somewhere just the two of you," the Doctor offered, catching Rose's hand in his and pinning her against his side, fingers dancing along her waist in an attempt to find her ticklish spots, making her twist away from him. "Let me know and I'll make it happen. The universe is your oyster and all that. There are some great romantic spots that I can show you."
Interest made Jack swivel towards him. "How do you know about them?"
"I'm not a Time Lord, not a monk," he replied with a roll of his eyes. "It's not like I've been single my entire life. I do know how to do romance."
"God," Jack said, fascinated as one would be by a car crash. "What would that even look like?"
"Ask Zoe, I've taken her dancing before," the Doctor said without thinking.
"It's true, he has," she nodded, throwing him a warning look that made his mouth twitch. "And only one of those times did we have to run for our lives. He knocked Rasputin out with a book."
"Rasputin?" Rose repeated. "As in Russian Rasputin?"
"No, Rasputin from Burnley, of course Russian Rasputin," Zoe replied.
The Doctor had managed to hook an arm around Rose and was trying to pin her down but she was a wily creature and was twisting her body to get away from him. "She's conveniently leaving out that she was half a second away from punching him."
She waved a dismissive hand. "Bah."
Mickey looked to Rose who was twisted beneath the Doctor's arm, contorting her body in an attempt to bite him, looking comfortable and playful as she once had with Mickey. Not too long ago, he would have been eaten alive by resentment and jealousy to see Rose acting like that with the Doctor, but looking at the two of them now, he felt nothing except mild amusement at their antics. He and Rose were over, that part of their lives finished with, yet a shadow of regret for them not working out brushed against him. For years he had believed Rose was the one for him, someone to spend the stretch of his years with and to share children, a home, grandchildren, and everything in between. Being with Jack felt like the final nail in the coffin of those dreams, and he was surprised at how okay he was with that.
"Rose," he said, her eyes snapping to him. "Are you – and you? Is this okay with you?"
Her entire face softened and opened up. "Yeah, Micks, course it is. Jack's a thousand times better than Trisha Delaney."
"Thanks," Jack beamed.
"She's really not that bad," Zoe sighed. "She's just a tad desperate, that's all."
"Have I met Trisha Delaney?" The Doctor asked.
Mickey laughed, tension seeping from him. Leaning more noticeably into Jack, who shifted to accommodate his weight, his worry drained from him. He should have been certain in his friends acceptance and had faith in their love for him, but it was a difficult thing to break free of social conditioning. To be gay – or bisexual, as was his case – Jacksexual, a voice that sounded a lot like Rose's snickered in his mind – on the estate was to drum up a world of trouble for oneself. Most kept their sexuality to themselves if it deviated from the norm; Zoe hadn't bothered, not on the estate long enough at any one time to concern herself with other people's reactions, and he was pleased that she wasn't privy to some of the things that people said about her when they learnt about preferences. But he wasn't Zoe, he needed to live on the estate when the others were gone, but he now realised that it was foolish to worry about what other people thought, particularly those that had denounced him as a murderer during Rose's absence.
He was happy.
Everyone else was welcome to fuck off.
"Any other announcements?" The Doctor asked, releasing Rose. "Or can we take Gary home now?"
Zoe looked around, confused. "Who's Gary?"
The Doctor and Rose pointed at the squid, a heavy sigh falling from her.
"Right then," he beamed, grabbing the console. "Mexico, here we come!"
There were any number of things the Doctor expected after eating Mexican food – from the feeling of satisfaction to the occasional stomach ache because he always added too much spice because he liked the burn – but Zoe waiting until the others had wandered off to drag him into his office was not one of them. Her dropping to her knees in front of him was also the last thing he expected and he wasn't entirely sure it was the food that was responsible for her sudden bout of amorousness as she wasn't the sort to manhandle him. In between moments of spine-tingling pleasure, he tried to piece together the events that led to this so he could repeat it in the future. Unfortunately for him, his mind was addled by the pressure of her mouth around him, the wet heat and curling tongue that made every part of him clench in anticipation. His head thudded back against the door, hoping the others stayed far away because he doubted they would be able to explain this away.
"Zo," he croaked, fingers flexing in her hair. "I –"
The only warning he received was a slight twitch of her mouth around him before she did something with her tongue that made his vision white out, mouth stretched open in a shout, as his orgasm rushed through him and into her. When he came to, she was on her feet again and had a look of such immense smugness on her face that he was briefly reminded of the Master. The comparison faded when she drew her thumb over her lips and grinned.
"Doing all right, love?"
"You – what – Zoe."
She laughed and stepped in closer, the length of her body against his, fingers sliding into his hair as she angled his head before kissing him. A moan ripped through his chest at her thoroughness, fingers curling into the loops of her jeans, thumbs pressing against the skin above the band: she tasted like spices, agua de jamaica, and him. He pushed away from the wall, trying to regain some control even though he felt dizzy and lost in the best possible way. She wasn't normally one for being quite so demanding – she knew what she liked and was eager to try new things, but her advances tended to be spoken because she knew how much he liked hearing her vocalise her desires. The physicality of her approach, her rough, almost desperate, handling of him was new and entirely welcomed.
"I love you," she said against his lips before dragging her mouth over his jaw, taking a languorous journey to the soft, sensitive patch of skin on his neck that made him turn hot and cold before melting into her hands. "I love you so fucking much."
He never tired of hearing that.
"I love you too," he managed to get out, embarrassingly breathless for someone with a repository bypass system. He finally succeeded in getting a hand up the back of her shirt, pressing his fingers onto the length of her spine as she grabbed him by the lapels and hauled him even closer. "And I'm loving this. I just – ah! Do that again." She grinned and bit down hard where his neck curved into his shoulder, a heavy shudder running through him. "I – er – what's – what's the occasion?"
"You, always you." She pushed his jacket from his shoulders but slowed when she got to his tie. Once, in her eagerness to undress him, she had nearly throttled him and was able to learn from her mistakes. His hands fell to her jeans and popped the top button open before her next words made him pause, knuckles pressed against her stomach. "You told Sarah Jane about us."
"That's what brought this on?"
She shrugged, cheeks a little pink, lifting the tie over his head and throwing it behind him. "It was very attractive."
"Once we're done here, we can go meet Ace if you like and I'll tell her too," he offered, completely serious.
A laugh lit up her face. "What makes you think you're going to be able to walk when we're done here?"
The moan that left his mouth was swallowed by hers and he cupped the back of her head, kissing her desperately while trying to help her shimmy out of her jeans at the same time as he removed his shirt. The door wasn't even locked and neither of them were particularly quiet when they got going; all it took was for Rose or Jack or Mickey to wander innocently by and hear them for their relationship to be blown wide open and he didn't fancy that emotional turmoil so soon after recovering from Sarah Jane. He sent a chaotic, desperate, pleading message to the TARDIS to ensure they weren't interrupted and his ship gave a small huff in reply before agreeing. He grabbed Zoe by the back of her thighs and lifted her onto the edge of his desk, pushing the papers back to the corner before peeling her underwear from her as she pulled her T-shirt off over her head.
"Rassilon, Zoe," the Doctor breathed, stunned as he always as by the sight of her before him. Reverently, he traced the edge of her plain white bra that stood in stark contrast to her skin. He bowed his head and kissed the swell of her breast. "I love you."
Her hands sank into his hair and pulled him up, sliding a hand down his chest to palm him. "Please tell me you're good to go. I don't want to wait. I need –"
Her mouth dropped open, words dying on a small gasp, as he unceremoniously thrust into her. It wasn't the most elegant of entrances but she had no complaints, her nails cutting half-moon crescents into his shoulders and her tongue licked a path up his neck, taking his earlobe between her teeth to tug, sharply. The Doctor tried to get himself under control but it was difficult when his entire universe had narrowed its focus to Zoe, Zoe, Zoe. He looked at her, her skin flushed and her eyes dark, and a groan ripped through him as he set a hard, fast pace, urged on by her voice in his ear demanding more.
"Come on, come on," she chanted, finding his mouth and kissing him clumsily. "I can take it. I won't break."
He sometimes worried she would but he curled a hand around her thigh, hitched it higher on his waist and pressed her back. Her head narrowly avoided knocking against a paperweight and his hand knocked a cup of pens to the floor in a clatter but none of it mattered because she loved him and fire roared through his veins. All the emotions of the last few days – the rollercoaster of meeting Sarah Jane again, revealing his fears for Zoe's ageing, and then finding a quiet peace – made him desperate; he pressed his forehead against her clavicle, freeing a hand to reach behind her to unhook her bra, pulling it down to press his mouth to a nipple as he moved within her wet, clinging heat that undid him. Her hand shifted from his back to his hair, sinking her fingers into it and pulling his head back to catch his mouth again, nose bumping against his.
"You're gorgeous like this," she said, breath hot against his mouth. "So beautiful."
"You should see yourself," he said, tightly, words shaking. "All flushed and perfect."
"Mirrors," she laughed before trailing off into a moan as he hit the right spot inside of her. "There's an idea."
The Doctor slid an arm beneath her back and levered her up, the wet slap of skin of skin mingling with their sharp breaths and helpless moans. Zoe curved her leg firmer around his waist, arm hooked over his shoulder as she braced her hand against the desk, trusting his strength to keep her upright as she adjusted the angle until she found one that lit her up every time. Her orgasm started in her fingers and toes as fine pricks of electricity before it spread into a storm that made her head fall back and her back arch as her muscles clenched down around the Doctor, pulling a Gallifreyan curse from him.
"Doctor –"
Dropping his hand between them, he pressed at her clit and watched as she crashed over the edge into an abyss of pleasure, dragging the him along in her wake.
White spots danced in front of his eyes, pleasure slamming into him, and he barely had the wherewithal to gather Zoe into his arms and pull her off the desk on top of him as his legs gave way, knees turned to jelly with the strength of his climax. Pieces of paper were stuck to her back and fluttered to the ground as a thick file finally slid from the edge and scattered its contents across the floor. He collapsed back, her body splayed across his, and his throbbed with the pleasure that lingered in his veins. Above him, Zoe was breathing heavily, her skin finely speckled with sweat, and he turned his head to kiss at the underside of her jaw, shaking lightly.
"Hey," she whispered, hoarsely.
She shuffled down his chest with some effort until their faces were level. Her eyes flickered over his face before she leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, grounding him; his fingers curled into a fist on her back, filled with the sudden and strange desire to cry. He kissed her back, deepening the it, trying to find some semblance of order in the oasis of her embrace. A soft sigh left him when her hand stroked through his sweat-dampened hair, fingertips pressing against his scalp, and he opened his eyes to look at her properly, savouring the dishevelled, exhausted, satisfied look that mussed her hair and bruised her lips.
As she settled on his chest with their legs tangled together, the Doctor relaxed his fingers and brushed them along the length of her spine. They stayed like that for a long time, half asleep and deeply relaxed, and he relished the lazy curl of satisfaction through his body that only came from really good sex.
The last few days had been a lot and he hadn't realised how much he had needed this.
"Thank you," the Doctor said some time later, the soft chime of an old clock sounding from a dusty corner.
A small laugh made her shake against him. "Pretty sure I should be apologising for manhandling you instead of you thanking me."
"I liked the manhandling," he said with a slow grin. "More manhandling, I say."
She lifted herself up so that she was braced over him, hair tumbling over her shoulders. "I thought I had it under control but the longer I left it, the worse it got. You telling Sarah Jane about us was..." a small shiver raised goosebumps on her skin and tightened her nipples. "You didn't have to do that."
"I know." He lightly traced the shape of her mouth with his fingers. "I wanted to."
Her eyes softened and she kissed his fingers. "How did she take it?"
"Well, actually." He brushed his thumb across her cheek before tucking her hair behind her ear. "Mainly wanted to know if you treat me well."
"Oh?" A smile tipped her mouth up. "And do I?"
He hummed from deep in his chest. "Very, very well."
"Good," Zoe said, leaning forwards to kiss him again before she rolled off him, leaving him cold and bereft. She didn't go far, settling against his side with her head resting on his arm, and they both contemplated the ceiling. "I think...I think it might be time to tell the others about us."
The Doctor turned his head sharply, surprised. "Oh?"
"Not right now, obviously," she said, quickly. "Or, you know, soonish, especially with Mickey and Jack doing their thing. I don't want to make Rose feel like the odd one out straight off the bat, but I was thinking maybe after Mum's party? We'll all be together then and there'll be no secrets or anything, we can just tell them all at once and deal with the fallout come what may. What do you think?"
"I think it's a great idea," he told her, curling his arm around her shoulders. "But only if you're comfortable with it. I'm happy to go out there right now and tell them."
She pinched his thigh. "Don't you dare."
He laughed. "I'm happy to follow your lead on this, love. I always have been. Besides, there's something to be said for keeping it just between us. It adds a little spice to the whole thing. Who'd have thought sneaking around was fun?"
"Literally everyone," she said with a fond roll of her eyes.
"Well, it's new to me," he replied. "And I think you're wrong about the fallout. They might be surprised but they love you and seem to like me –" she pressed her smile into his arm. "They'll be okay with it. Although, I'm not looking forward to going back to square one with Jackie. I've actually enjoyed having a truce with her."
"Not square one," Zoe said. "Maybe square three or something. Someone post-Mondas."
He made a sound in his throat. "Better than post-Downing Street, I suppose. Anyway, what's brought this on?"
"I guess it's you telling Sarah Jane about us and then Jack and Mickey being so open about everything even though it's still early days for them," she said. "I think it's made me realise that I'm just making excuses because...truth is, I'm afraid." She drew a lock of hair into her mouth and chewed on it nervously until the Doctor reached across and removed it. "I've been talking to Yatta about it for the last few sessions."
"Oh?" The contents of her therapy sessions were something that she tended not to share with him unless it was something that was truly playing on her mind. "What does she say?"
She sighed heavily, almost annoyed, though he suspected it was more aimed at herself than at him given the way she pulled his arm tighter around her.
"She says that my hesitance of telling the family is because I'm afraid of making it real," Zoe said, playing with his fingers. "And that I'm afraid of making it a full and recognised part of my life in case I end up alone again. She seems to think that while it's a secret, I'm protecting myself from all the hurt if it ends." Her face rippled in a scowl. "I mean, my fear of abandonment is hardly breaking news but – I don't know – maybe she has a point. She's been right about everything else so far and I don't think she'd steer me wrong in this."
The Doctor swallowed, wishing there was a glass of water around, and his tongue swept across his lips, wetting them.
"I wish there was something I could do or some words I could say that would help you realise I'm not going to leave you," he told her. "Not until you ask me to go, that is."
She brought his fingers to her mouth and kissed them. "I know. Logically, I know, but there's a lot to unpick there. And don't you start feeling guilty. Yatta's been tracing back my feelings of abandonment and it turns out I might have daddy issues after all."
Surprise whipped across his face. "Really?"
"Yeah, apparently," Zoe said with a small laugh. "We got into it with my childhood last session and I think I must've been six when I noticed I didn't have a dad but that was all right because neither did Rose, you know. But it was around then that I realised my dad wasn't dead and I guess I had some problems with it. I don't know. We ended the session at a really bad time. She told me to think about it but, honestly, I can't remember ever thinking about the man. As far as I'm concerned, Pete Tyler was my dad."
The Doctor hummed, thoughtfully. "You know...we could probably track down your biological father if you wanted. The TARDIS can find anyone when she puts her mind to it."
"Nah." She shook her head, not even having to think about it. "I know it's not his fault he wasn't there, he never knew about me, but – is it awful to say that I'm completely uninterested in him? I'm sure he's perfectly nice and everything but I honestly don't care who is."
"I don't think it's awful," he said. "I think it's honest."
"What would I even do with a dad?" The look on her face as she contemplated what one did with fathers made him want to laugh; he supposed, for her, they were surplus to requirements. "It's not like I have use for one now. Besides, what would I tell him? Yeah, technically I'm supposed to be eighteen or whatever but time travel exists and here's my alien boyfriend? No, thank you, that's more trouble than it's worth."
A small chuckle did slip free and he lowered his mouth to kiss the top of her her head. "Whatever you want, darling."
"Mmm, that's something of a blank check right there," she said, hand sliding up his thigh only to make him jerk when she curled her fingers around him, a small hiss slipping from his mouth. She looked up, concern pressed around her eyes. "Okay?"
"Just a little sensitive," he said.
She carefully released him before sitting up, and he grinned as he peeled a post-it note from her back.
"God," Zoe said, casting her eyes around the room. "We've made a bit of a mess. I think your research is going to be out of order."
He smiled and stretched. "Completely worth it."
His eyes tracked her as she stood up and retrieved her jeans, slipping back into them after failing to find her underwear. Watching her dress was one of his favourite things – though, if he had to choose, watching her undress would definitely take top spot – and he sat up, back propped against the coffee table and watched her unearth her bra from the chaos of his disturbed papers. She was toned all over from the amount of hours she spent in the gym with Jack, the two of them disappearing for at least an hour a day to do some form of exercise that left him and Rose feeling tired just thinking about it, and he enjoyed the way that her muscles shifted beneath her skin, enjoyed knowing that there was strength in her bones that would help keep her safe when he couldn't.
"What are you researching anyway?" She pulled her shirt back on and freed her hair from beneath the collar, the faded emblem of Queen staring back at him. "Or is it super secret?"
"It's not super secret," he said, giving in and rising to get dressed as well as he really did want a glass of water. "I'm just compiling the data from your medical scans so I can create a foundation from which to track your variables."
"Boring," Zoe singsonged.
"Necessary," he replied. "Where's my –?"
"Here." She passed his shirt over to him. "How's it going anyway? Am I going to mutate some special powers? Because I'd kind of like telekinesis."
He laughed and shrugged on his shirt. "Sorry, no. It's fine, you're fine, but there are some things that have surprised me. Do you know what telomerase are?"
"Yeah, of course," she said. "They protect the end of chromosomes from DNA damage or from fusing with neighbouring chromosomes. Is something wrong with mine?"
"They're a bit hyperactive at the moment," he said, leaving his shirt unbuttoned as he bent to gather the folder in his hands, putting the papers together to reorganise later. "It's nothing to worry about but it's weird."
She frowned. "Aren't telomerase mostly active in cancer cells?"
"You don't have cancer," he said, quickly. "And even if you did that's something I can easily take care of here, but –" a thought struck him and he snatched up a pen from the floor, scribbling a note to himself on a stray piece of paper. "You've just reminded me of your time on Skaro. Maybe the radiation affected them. Did you take a scan?"
"No," she said, careless with her own health in a way that she wasn't with anyone else's. "The Corsair did but I suppose that's not helpful."
"Maybe, maybe not," the Doctor said, jotting that down as well. "All of the TARDISes synced databases before the end of the war but I can't remember if the Corsair was still around then. I'll check it out later."
"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" Zoe asked, observant eyes focused on his face. "You seem worried about this."
"I'm only worried because it's your health," he said, setting the pen down. "And because I don't like not knowing why something happened. Once I figure it out, it'll be fine."
"Well, don't worry about it too much," she told him. "All work and no play and all that."
His mouth twitched, amused that she missed the irony of her telling him not to work too hard when she would often forget to eat and sleep when in the middle of studying.
"I will, at some point, need to run an experiment on you."
She sighed. "Most boyfriends take their partners out for dinner and dancing. Mine? He likes to experiment on me."
"Oh, we can go dinner and dancing too," he promised her, reaching out to pull her against his chest, pressing his face into her hair as they swayed on the spot. "But only after I've started the experiment. I just want to double check a few things and the information I have right now because, well, the Rani produced the initial experiment."
"The Rani?" She repeated, pulling back. "The one who liked experimenting on people?"
"That's the one," he said. "Her theory is sound but I question her results because of her ethics. I want to run her proposed experiment on you to see what comes up."
A small crease appeared between her eyes. "This really sounds like something I should worry about."
"You shouldn't." His lips brushed over her frown. "You're completely and utterly normal with the exception of improved memory and faster regenerative abilities but those were expected changes. It's the telomerase that's confusing me as they've become adaptive and I want to understand everything down the the smallest atom. No stone unturned and the like. I don't want to miss something only to have your hair fall out because I wasn't paying attention."
Her eyes rolled. "You'd be more upset than me."
"You have glorious hair."
"Go on then," she said. "What do you need this time? Blood? Tissue? A kidney?"
"Definitely not a kidney, you can keep that," the Doctor said, releasing her. "Just some saliva, but I'll get it later. Right now I really need something to drink. Between the Mexican food and you ravaging me –" she snorted. "I'm parched."
"I suppose I could do with a drink," Zoe considered, smiling as she slipped her hand into his. "Come on then. May as well enjoy the peace and quiet before everyone finds out about us. You know we're not going to be able to be in the same room as each other without comment once they know, right?"
He smiled and swung their hands between them. "I think I'll survive."
"Are you sure?" She asked. "Because think of all the questions Jack's going to have."
The smile dropped from his face and his stomach swooped.
"Oh, no."