Chapter 33
'Deep breaths, Korra…deep breaths…' Korra thought to herself repeatedly as she made her way to the restaurant. She was running a little late because she had not accounted for how long it would take to get there without the use of her glider or riding Naga. She had opted instead to take a ferry to the mainland from Air Temple Island and then the tram to the restaurant. Well, trams. She had had to use a few to get where she was going.
It would have been easier to ride Naga or use the glider, but it also would have drawn attention. Word of her return to the city would already be slowly spreading, she knew that. Still, she was not quite ready to actively draw attention to herself just yet. Not that her Southern Water Tribe clothing wasn't going to do exactly that, but she had needed the change. Taking off (and happily burning) her stained and torn Earth Kingdom clothing had felt almost as good as removing the last of the poison from her body. Removing them felt like shedding a skin that was not her own. It was a step in the right direction of finally being home.
The next step was finally getting to see Asami. She had been excited to see the children, Tenzin, and Pema of course. Naga she could not stop hugging and petting for hours. And though she was a little nervous he would be upset with her for not having written, she was also excited to see Mako (and Bolin whenever he made it back to the city).
But none of them were Asami.
Asami, the only person she had been able to write to even though it had taken her so long. The one person she couldn't stop thinking about in the last 3 years. Korra was more than excited to see her, but she was also a little terrified. Asami had as much reason as everyone else, if not more, to be angry with Korra for having not only been gone so long, but for disappearing on her own the last 6 months. They had been writing each other regularly and then stopped when Korra left. She had of course considered still writing to Asami, but she either had to tell her the truth and make her worry or lie to her. Korra couldn't stomach the thought of either and so she foolishly chose the third option. She said nothing, and she felt like a coward and a bad friend for it.
Korra sighed as she saw the hotel where the restaurant was in the distance and jumped off the still moving tram. She'd walk the rest of the way to gather her thoughts. Korra breathed in deeply and worked to settle her nerves. So many thoughts and questions cascading through her mind. Would Asami be angry or happy to see her? She'd sounded fine though more than a little surprised on the phone the day before. Would they be friends as they were, or would they take the final steps toward that special something else they had been moving towards before everything had gone so wrong?
Korra stopped and stared at the restaurant door, well more accurately hotel door. The restaurant was connected to a large hotel that she hadn't been to before but looked pretty fancy. The door itself was only feet away as another thought came to her mind, one that she hadn't let herself think about consciously until that very moment. What if Asami had found someone else?
Korra closed her eyes, willing the pain of that thought away even though the reality of it settled harshly on her shoulders. It had been three years and Asami was Asami…Korra sighed. There was really no reason why anyone wouldn't want to be with her. What if she had moved on? It's not as if they had talked about it before Korra left. She had been too broken and there was just so much else. She had hoped Asami would wait for her, in those moments when she allowed herself to believe that she even had a future; that she could be whole again. Asami had never mentioned anyone in her letters, but would she? If there had been someone, would Asami have told her in a letter?
The thought was making Korra sick to her stomach. Envisioning Asami with anyone else felt like having the poison forcibly pulled from skin all over again. It was horrible but it was a possibility she had to face. Even if Asami hadn't found someone, there was no guarantee they would be together after having been apart for so long. Korra realized that if it wasn't now, she might someday have to watch Asami love and be loved by a person that wasn't her. No matter how painful the thought was, it was still true. She had to accept that.
Looking around her, Korra chuckled to herself as she realized she could hear Toph's voice in her head telling her to stop being such an idiot and just walk through the dang door already. She was freaking herself out over what ifs and maybes when Asami was right through that door, waiting. She just had to take a deep breath and walk through it.
Thinking this was infinitely harder than trying to make it through the gates during her airbending training, Korra took a breath and walked through the door.
'Just relax Asami, it's going to be fine. She's coming…. she's coming.' Asami told herself over and over again while she tried to keep her mind busy by reading the magazine that had been left on the table. She could have gone in and waited with Mako, but she had wanted the time to collect herself first. She'd confirmed with the hostess that he was there and had their table was ready but she asked the hostess not to tell him she had arrived yet and that she was going to wait for the rest of their group.
If Asami was honest with herself, she knew that a part of her was still trying to make herself believe that all of it was real. That Korra had really called her the day before, that they were really going to have lunch together for the first time in three years. It all still felt like a dream. Asami wanted to wait and watch Korra walk through the door with her own eyes; wanted to hug her tightly without Mako looking on. And if Korra didn't come, she wanted to escape back to her office without Mako or anyone else seeing her tears.
Reading the same page for the 5th time and still having no idea what she had read, Asami gave up and just stared at the pages, her mind wandering. All the what ifs that had tumbled through her brain since Korra had called her seemed to fight inside of her for attention. What if Korra didn't stay? Was she only visiting Republic City and then leaving again soon? Was she better or still struggling to heal? Could Korra go into the Avatar state again? Why had she been gone for so long and where had she gone the last 6 months? Why hadn't she written to Asami to tell her what was happening?
Did she still care about Asami?
Taking a deep breath, Asami exhaled shakily and let the thoughts and the worry flow out of her as much as she could. It didn't matter how much she worried or how many questions she asked herself that she had no answer to. Korra would be coming through that door. She would get to see her friend and things would make sense again somehow. And if Asami's fear was true, and Korra didn't want to be with her, at the very least she wouldn't lose her as a friend. Asami had faith in at least that much. They had been through too many things together to ever lose that. But Asami still had hope, as wounded and unsure as it could be, it was still there.
Asami looked up then, sensing someone watching her.
"I…hope you haven't been waiting long…" Korra said, walking up to Asami. The sound of Korra's voice had all the worries and questions fleeing her mind in that moment. Korra was here, she was right here, and she was beautiful.
"Only three years!" Asami said as she rushed up and hugged the younger girl. Holding Korra again had become something Asami wasn't sure would ever happen and now here they were.
"It's so good to see you again!"
"You too!" Korra smiled at her and Asami was struck by how different she looked after so long.
"And I'm loving the hair," she told Korra, trying to sound as calm as she could despite how fast her heart was racing.
"Thanks," Korra said, a blush rising in her cheeks adorably. "You're looking…snazzy as always."
Well, Korra always did have a way with words. Asami grinned and pulled Korra to follow her. "Come on, Mako got us a table at the restaurant."
As they headed into the restaurant, Asami fought the urge to grab Korra's hand, worried she would somehow disappear again if she didn't anchor her there in the city. She had to breathe and take it one step at a time. Korra was here, and they were going to have a great lunch.
Everything was going to be fine.
Everything was not fine.
Well, it was fine now. But it certainly didn't start off that way. It was bad enough that Prince Wu was joining them for lunch. His arrogance was difficult for Asami to stomach on a good day, let alone on the day she was finally getting to see her best friend for the first time in 3 years. Then of course there was the awkward realization Mako had that Asami had been in contact with Korra while she'd been away.
Asami could work with these things though. They could move passed it. But then Korra questioned her seeing her father and she admittedly lost all patience.
If Asami was honest, she knew she hadn't really been all that angry with Korra for saying what she had about her father manipulating her again. Asami was angry because Korra had voiced so easily the very fear she'd been trying to work through in the weeks leading up to finally visiting him. The fear she was still fighting even then. Having Korra, who had been gone so long, bring it up had stung because she was right and because she cared. It had made her angry to have her feelings placed in front of her that way and she had lashed out. She hadn't even meant to throw Korra being gone so long in her face like that, but she'd been so mad. Asami knew at some point they would have to talk about it, about everything, but it wasn't the time.
When Korra had said she just hadn't felt ready to come back, Asami wondered if there was something, anything, she could have done to better help Korra. Had she made a mistake by not visiting? They hadn't been at lunch 5 minutes and everything was going wrong.
Of course, then the Prince of the Earth Kingdom had to go and get himself kidnapped. So much for a quiet lunch.
Asami and Korra had followed after Mako silently. In a way she sensed that neither of them wanted to be alone at the table and risk another fight.
She had been letting herself worry about just how quickly things had gone so far south when Korra had left to investigate the laundry area. From there, things had escalated quickly.
Looking back on everything hours later, Asami realized that as awkward as lunch had begun, things had become just like old times so quickly from that point on. A crisis, Korra taking charge, Mako and Korra arguing, Korra constantly watching her back, it was amazing. It was exactly what they had needed as odd as that sounded.
The group had made it back to the city with no issue unless you counted the Prince's constant complaining about being 'forced' to walk back. Asami and Mako just ignored him and listened while Korra told them all about her time traveling the Earth Kingdom over the last 6 months. Most of her story revolved around finding Toph and her training. Asami was certain she was leaving some important details out, and she noticed that Korra didn't explain exactly why she had gone other than she 'had to'. Asami chose to leave it alone for the time being though. Content to just listen to Korra. She was shocked however to learn that Korra had still had some of the poison in her body up until a week ago. It was awful to think of the pain Korra must have been going through all this time.
They finally made it back to the city and took the Prince back to her home. After getting him settled (and helping Grandma recover from meeting royalty), Asami had walked Korra outside.
"This has really been a crazy day huh?" Korra asked her as they stood out on the steps.
"Yeah, but honestly? It was also kind of fun. It felt good to fight by your side again Korra."
The younger girl blushed and smiled at Asami. The sun was nearly set behind her and Asami could only smile back. She was beautiful.
"Asami, I just, um-" Korra hesitated as she looked at Asami, worry etched into her face.
"What is it Korra?"
"I wanted to say that I was sorry for earlier. When I said what I did about your-about Hiroshi. I shouldn't have questioned you like that. You wouldn't make the mistake of letting him get to you. Not after what happened. You would only go see him if you felt it was the right call to make and I shouldn't have doubted that, or you. You wanted to talk about something so important and I cut in with my worries and accusations. I should have listened to you, and I'm sorry."
Korra took a deep breath and looked down at the ground, her hand resting on the back of her neck and Asami felt warm at seeing the familiar movement.
Asami slowly walked closer to her and after hesitating for only a moment, slowly took Korra's hand in her own. "Korra, you don't have to apologize. You wouldn't be you if you didn't worry about everyone you cared about. You were just trying to protect me. Honestly, everything you said were things I've been worrying about for months. Things I still worry about. But…I have to try. I'm not expecting for my father and I to get back to where we were. We never can. I've spent all this time since that day when he-he did what he did just so angry. Angry at him, angry at everything that happened, but mostly just angry at myself."
Korra looked up at her from where she had been staring at their intertwined hands with surprise, but she stayed quiet, knowing that she needed to let Asami get this out.
"I need to forgive him Korra. Not for him, but for myself. I need to let this anger go because it is eating me alive and making me doubt myself. I'm not there yet. I will be though, I think. It's going to take time and patience and it's going to mean seeing him and listening to him and making him listen to me. But someday I need to forgive him and be able to move on from what happened. I'm angry at myself because I still haven't. There's this voice in my head telling me I should have, that it should have been easy. But it's not. It's not supposed to be and I'm slowly realizing that. So, no, Korra. I don't know if it's wise, but I know it's what I need."
Korra was silent for a moment before gently squeezing Asami's hand in her own. "Then whatever I can do to help you Asami, just ask. Please. Even if it's just to listen to whatever you have to say after your visits with him…. or well whenever. I'll be there. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
"You promise?" Asami whispered.
"I promise." Korra reached out and pulled Asami into a hug and Asami just basked in being able to hold her again. She held Korra tightly, the other girl grasping her just as tightly as Asami buried her face into Korra's now shorter hair. She would have been embarrassed at the tears she could feel falling down her cheek if she didn't feel Korra's own tickling her neck.
They stayed like that for some time before they both finally pulled away, Asami's breath shaky and Korra glancing at her softly.
"I know that things aren't exactly calm right now, Asami, what with everything with Kuvira and me only just getting back. But I know that we also have a lot we still need to talk about too. So, I was thinking, maybe…maybe you could come to the island tomorrow? We could spend some time together…just us?" Korra looked at her, hopeful.
"Yeah, I'd like that Korra. I have some meetings I can't cancel, but I'll be there after work, first thing. And I'll make sure Prince Wu stays here this time," Asami told her as she grinned.
Korra laughed and her eyes shined with something Asami could only describe as hope. "I'll see you then, Asami," Korra told her before reaching out tentatively grasping her hand again. It was warm and Asami felt more grounded in that moment than she had in three years.
As she sat at the table and watched everyone eat and tell stories, Korra was struck by just how much she had missed this. Sitting at the table while the kids fought and teased each other, Pema trying to talk sense into them while she struggled to get Rohan to put his food in his mouth and not on his clothes, Bumi telling everyone one of his old war stories while Tenzin rolled his eyes at each new embellishment, Asami and Kai talking about his latest mission, all of it brought back so many memories. They were loud and crazy, but these people were a part of her family and Korra had missed them so much.
"Opal and I visited multiple villages in the Earth Kingdom bringing food, water and other supplies. But it wasn't enough. The people are so tired and they're losing hope. I hate to say it, and I don't agree with what she's doing, but I can't really blame them for turning to Kuvira for help and protection," Kai whispered the last to Asami.
Asami smiled at the young airbender and put her arm around his shoulder. "Kai, it's alright. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. You more than most people understand what it's like to have to fight for your survival. You understand these people and that's a good thing. We need that understanding so that we can better help everyone."
"Asami's right, Kai," Tenzin jumped in, seemingly happy to interrupt Bumi's story. "There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Understanding of people leads to a greater level of compassion. The fact that Kuvira is using her power to manipulate desperate people into her grasp is terrible, but it's not a new tactic. People have done this for centuries. It's up to us to stand firm against her and what she represents."
"But how are we supposed to help these people when we can't promise things will be better without Kuvira? We're asking people to trade shelter, security and food already in hand for the hope that they'll have those things later without her. When you reach the point that so many of the people in the Earth Kingdom have, hope becomes the last thing you can afford," Kai told them and the table went quiet, his words hitting everyone hard.
"Kai, there is no easy answer to this," Asami began, her eyes soft but determined. "There's no fix all solution to what the Earth Kingdom and the whole world are going through that we can just conjure up. Life is too complicated for that. But I think what's important to remember is that we have to have faith in people. You're right, many of them have lost hope and that's why they've turned to Kuvira and the safety she offers. But don't lose faith in those people. They're not lost or gone, they're still here and they still have us ready to fight for them. No, we can't promise everything Kuvira says she can, but we can promise to be willing stand and fight for them each new day. I think that's going to be worth a lot more in peoples' hearts than you think."
"Well said, Asami. And you're right, we will stand and fight. Many people of the Earth Kingdom may have turned to her now, but how long before they realize they can't keep living with the risk that it'll be them, their family or their loved ones going to one of her 're-education camps'? In all my years of service, you'd be surprised what lengths I've seen people reach to protect their freedom and way of life. They might have sided with her now, but she doesn't really have the people. No, I don't think so at all."
Everyone stared at the surprisingly serious speech Bumi gave and Korra used the distraction to sneak out of the dining hall and head to her favorite spot on the island.
She had sat in the gazebo on the cliff every sunset since she had returned, and it still amazed her how beautiful the sight was. But the view wasn't enough to keep her mind from wandering to the earlier conversation. So many things had been happening the last few years and she had missed it all. People starving, being taken away, fearing for their lives, the chaos that was all her fault. Chaos she caused and couldn't even lift a finger or more accurately a leg to fix all this time.
Korra thought back on the day, as she had watched the airbenders train and coordinate to head out to different parts of the Earth Kingdom to help people. They had smiled at her as she passed them but nothing more. She had nothing to offer them, no advice, no help, they didn't need it. They didn't need her, and she had never felt like such an outsider. Korra had already lost a fight to Kuvira once, lost the chance to save Zaofu and Opal's family, who she still didn't know how to rescue. If all she could do was fail, maybe Toph was right.
"I brought you some tea," Korra heard Asami say as she turned to see her friend. "I thought you might be cold out here."
Too tired and lost in her own mind, Korra didn't think to ask why Asami would think she, a girl from the South Pole would be cold.
"You're so sweet," Korra told her as she gratefully took the cup and sat back down on the railing, staring out at the sea.
"Are you okay? You seem out of sorts."
"Sorry. I've just been thinking about something Toph said. She told me that the world doesn't need me and it's basically pointless to try and stop Kuvira."
"That's ridiculous."
"At the time, I thought so too. I figured she was just being her normal, cranky self. But I'm beginning to think she had a point."
"No, she doesn't. The world does need you. You're the Avatar."
Korra sighed, "But no matter what I do, the world seems to always be out of balance! Growing up, I couldn't wait to be the Avatar. I thought I was really gonna change things. I was so naïve. The first time I saw Amon take someone's bending away, I was terrified. Then…my worst nightmare came true," Korra whispered the last as she remembered the pain and the fear as Amon took away her bending.
"Korra, you're forgetting about all the good that happened after you exposed Amon as the fraud he was. The Equalist Movement lost its leader and its power. Free elections were held in the United Republic and nonbenders finally had a voice. People had hope again and it was all because of you," Asami told her fiercely.
"And I was hopeful, too. That feeling didn't last long. As soon as I defeated Amon, a new enemy took his place. Because of Unalaq, I betrayed Tenzin, opened the portals, and threw the Spirit and human worlds into chaos. It was my fault he fused with Vaatu and became a Dark Avatar. And I was helpless to stop him from destroying Raava and cutting off my connection to my past lives. With Raava gone, Unalaq and Vaatu became more powerful than ever."
"But you became more powerful, too. I mean, you turned into a giant spirit."
"Yeah…that was pretty awesome…"
"And opening the spirit portals turned out to be a good thing. You brought back the airbenders and caused a positive shift in the world."
"Yes, but Zaheer got airbending too and nearly killed me. If it weren't for Zaheer, the Earth Queen would still be alive. There would have been no crisis in the Earth Kingdom and Kuvira wouldn't be in power. Things are more out of balance than ever now. Nothing's changed!"
"You're right, Korra," Tenzin told her as he made his way to them who both stared at him, stunned.
"I am?"
"She is?"
"It's true, there will always be new conflicts and enemies to face. But the important thing is to learn from your enemies and better yourself over time, which you have. You've changed so much since you first arrived on Air Temple Island. When you first came here, you were hot-headed and a bit selfish. But you've matured into a thoughtful young woman who puts the needs of others before herself. The new Air Nation is a testament to that. You sacrificed everything to save them. You're an inspiration to the world."
Korra smiled at Tenzin and Asami, "Thank you both. I know this Kuvira problem is only going to get worse. But no matter what happens, no matter how crazy things get, I'll always try to restore balance."
"At the end of the day Korra, that's all any of us can really do. We can only try. You need to remember that true balance means there will be times where you fail. Learn from it, grow and you will be even stronger in the next fight."
Korra nodded as Tenzin walked away and then looked at Asami and smiled.
"Nothing like a pep talk from Tenzin to end the day," Korra laughed.
"He's right though. We all need you Korra, we always will," Asami whispered as she hopped up to sit on the railing with Korra and watch the last rays of the sun disappear into the calm sea.
"Asami, I'm glad you came today. I've missed getting to spend time with you."
"Me too. I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier; things have been so busy at work. I have so many responsibilities there but I'm really making a difference."
"I understand, I do. I'm glad for any chance to see you. I-I've been wanting to ask…uh…"
"What is it Korra? You can ask me anything, you know that," Asami told her, her eyes staring into Korra's and they were so soft, so full of kindness.
"Have you been happy?" Korra blurted out.
"What do you mean?"
"I-I'm sorry, I just… I mean, the last three years, have you at least been happy? You've been running the company and helped this city so much. You've really come into your own, and that's amazing. But…but have you been happy Asami? It's important to me that you're happy," Korra told her, fidgeting a little but refusing to look away.
Asami was silent for a few moments before she looked away, seeing more than just the darkened sky and sea in front of her.
"There were days when yes, I think I was happy. Days where I was so busy building a new prototype, making new plans, having successful meetings, yes, days where I was so busy doing what I was born to do and being good at it that I was distracted enough to be happy."
"Distracted?"
"On those days, Korra, I could almost forget how far away you were. That you were in pain and that I couldn't help you. I could almost forget that for the longest time I didn't know how you were, or if…if I would ever see you again. So yes, to answer your question, there were days I was distracted enough that I could be happy. But I was never so happy then as I am now to have you back here."
Korra was silent as looked at Asami thoughtfully. Her words striking Korra and stoking the guilt of having left her for so long. But what was done was done.
"I'm sorry that it took so long for me to write you back, Asami. I promised you when I left that I would write, and I didn't…"
"Not for two years, no." Asami's voice broke in and though it was soft, there was steel and pain behind it.
"I'm sorry. I should have written to you sooner. You more than anyone deserved that much."
"Thank you, Korra. And, I understand I think."
They were both silent for some time, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Korra looked at Asami and voiced the thought that she hadn't been able to stop thinking about for some time.
"I thought you-you might have met someone. After all this time, you know? You're beautiful, smart, and well…you're amazing Asami, and anyone would be lucky to be with you."
Asami looked away from the sea and back into the stormy blue eyes that were Korra's and smiled softly.
"I was never that distracted Korra."
Korra smiled, her stomach making the oddest swooping motion.
"Asami, I don't know how long it will take or how it's going to happen. But after...after we bring Kuvira down, would you uh…would you maybe have dinner with me?"
Asami smiled, "Like a date?"
"Yeah, like a date."
"I'd love to Korra."
There went that swooping feeling again.
"What were you thinking?!"
Korra whirled around at Asami's shout, startled and looking a little afraid as the older girl marched down the beach toward her.
"Asami, wh-what's wrong? What happened?"
Asami stared at Korra incredulously. She wasn't serious?! Asami had run into Mako on her way to the island and heard about everything that had happened that day. From the spirit wilds acting out and capturing people, trying to rescue them, to Korra failing to go into the spirit world to help, and finally…to Korra confronting Zaheer of all people and by herself no less!
Asami wasn't shocked at first before she felt her temper get the better of her. How could she be so stupid?! Asami had left a confused and mildly frightened Mako behind and rushed to the island. It was already dark, but she quickly found one of the acolytes and they had told her that Korra was down on the southern beach. Sure enough, as Asami had rounded the cliff side, there she was. She had been doing her water bending forms, her eyes closed, and skin bathed in the light of the nearly full moon. If Asami hadn't been so angry she might have been overcome with awe by how beautiful Korra had looked. Anger was winning the day, however.
"How could you Korra? How could you go to that man…that damn monster! And you went by yourself!"
Korra, finally understanding what Asami was talking about, winced and ran her hand nervously through her hair.
"I needed to see him Asami. I had to. I haven't been able to reach the spirit world in three years. Every time I tried, I found myself right back there. Where h-he nearly killed me. I couldn't get passed it. I thought if I could see him, tied up in chains and helpless that I could let go of whatever power he still had over me."
"Korra, I understand better than most people what it's like to feel like you have to confront the person who hurt you in order to move beyond that pain. I get that. But why did you have to go alone? Mako could have gone with you. Zaheer is dangerous! I don't care how many chains he has holding him down; it wasn't worth the risk!"
"Of course it was Asami!" Korra shouted back, surprising the older girl. "I needed to get to the spirit world to save Jinora and the others. Zaheer was the only way I could get there. Believe me, I didn't want to trust him, but he was able to lead me ther-"
Asami gasped, "Lead you there? You can't be serious Korra! Zaheer can still enter the spirit world? And to make things worse, you let him, the man who nearly killed you lead you there personally?!"
"I did what I had to do Asami and it worked. Zaheer isn't my friend, he's not even my ally, but in that moment our interests were aligned, and he gave me the push I needed to do what I had to do to save those people. Don't you understand? I couldn't just leave those people to die. Not even just because I'm the Avatar but as me! I don't have it in me to do that. You have to trust me that I knew what I was doing, what I was risking. Asami, I need you, more than anyone else to have faith in me, please," Korra said the last quietly, her eyes watering as she stared at her friend.
Asami could only stare back, her arms wrapped around herself to ward off her memories, not the cold.
"Three years ago, I watched you collapse after battling him. Your father held you in his arms as we watched you fade away. If we hadn't had a metal bender there, you would have died Korra. You nearly did. I helped Su tend to your wounds. I remember every bruise, every scrape, every broken bone. I remember the way your arm looked when we removed the chain. We raced to rescue you with the fear that you were already dead, and then you nearly died right in front of us, in front of me. I've never been so scared in my life."
Asami tried to take a deep breath, tears flowing down her face and body shaking with the remembrance of it all.
"I held you every night after you had a nightmare for a week until your mother arrived. I watched you cry and brake in ways I didn't think you could. I wanted to kill that monster for what he had done to you. So…so the thought of you being anywhere near him again…Korra…it scares me beyond words."
Korra, herself also crying, stayed where she was as she took in the sight of her friend. Her Asami.
"That's how I felt when you told me about visiting your father."
Asami's head snapped up and she stared at Korra. "That's not the same Korra!"
"Isn't it?" Korra whispered. "He nearly killed you that day. He tried…his own daughter. The thought of you being near him again, Asami, knowing all the pain he put you through? Knowing how close he came to taking you away from me? Yeah, it scares me beyond words too."
The two girls stared at each other then, the sound of the waves rolling into the beach doing little to sooth their heartache.
After a few moments, Asami spoke again. "Why…why didn't you want me to go with you to the South Pole?"
Korra frowned at the unexpected question but before she could try to answer Asami spoke again. "I feel like you knew it wasn't going to only be a few weeks Korra. I would have gone with you. I wanted to go with you. So, why did you tell me to stay behind? Why did you leave me?"
Korra grimaced, her body tense as she turned away from Asami and took a few steps forward, just far enough for the warm water of the ocean to lap at her feet. The feeling helped to calm her racing heart. Asami deserved the truth.
Not looking at Asami but instead looking up at the night sky and the stars above, Korra spoke softly about what she had never told anyone. "When Amon attacked me and left me with only my air bending, I was devastated. But there was still hope. I was so sure that Katara could fix it. She's the world's best healer, she can fix anything. I needed her to be able to fix me because without the ability to bend all four elements, I couldn't be the Avatar."
Korra choked back a sob, knowing she had to tell Asami, but it was so hard. "Then when I saw her, and she did everything she could but still failed, I had never in my whole life felt so hopeless. That was it, I couldn't be the Avatar. I couldn't protect the world, couldn't do what I was literally born to do. So I…I.."
"I remember that day. You ran away from the compound on Naga," Asami whispered.
"Yeah. At first, I just needed to get some space and think. I needed to try figure out how to be ok with what happened to me. How to make it work, how to be what I needed to be even though I was broken. I stood at the edge of a cliff and looked down. It was so high up. That's when I remembered the first lesson I ever learned about the Avatar. When the Avatar dies, the cycle begins anew."
Shocked silence met Korra's statement and she finally looked at Asami who stared at her in disbelief. "You're lying…you wouldn't have…you couldn't have…" Asami stuttered.
"I thought about it Asami. I thought that if I jumped and ended things, a new Avatar would be born, one that would hopefully be better than me. One that wouldn't be broken, one that wouldn't fail. I thought it would be the right thing to do."
"The right thing?!" Asami hissed. "Leaving everyone behind who loves you, all because you thought you had failed. How could that be the right decision at any time?"
"It wasn't Asami, I know that now. But you need to know that I thought about it. And then I couldn't do it, I failed at that too. I collapsed there on the edge of that cliff and felt myself break in a way that isn't physical but is just as terrifying. That's when Aang came to me. I thought it was Tenzin at first but no. It was Aang. He told me I had finally connected with my spiritual self and he along with the other past Avatars restored my bending, restored my spirit and purpose."
Korra was silent again for a few moments before looking over at Asami again. Afraid to say the next part, but then she saw the moment when Asami understood.
"You left me behind because…because you…"
"Because I was worried that if Katara couldn't fix me, that I would reach that point again. And I didn't want you there if I did."
Silence reigned between the two girls as Korra's revelation shook them both. Asami because the truth was so horrifying, and Korra because she finally spoke the words out loud.
"That's why you didn't write too isn't it?" Asami asked her.
"In part. In a way, I felt like I was back on the edge of that cliff but in my mind. Every time I felt like I might finally be strong enough to take the step back and write to you, to open up to you, I had another failure and I was right back there."
"Is that why you disappeared for the last six months? Did you lie to your parents about coming to Republic City so you could find the right place to kill yourself?" The anger and fear lacing Asami's voice was almost too much for Korra who shook her head.
"No…no I had managed to conquer that. I really was on my way to Republic City. I made it all the way to the bay, just beyond those rocks there," Korra pointed and Asami looked and realized how close Korra had really been.
"But then I saw her…"
"Who?"
Korra explained about seeing the phantom of herself from that day. How it haunted her, reminded her of how close she came to what would have been her greatest failure. How it would stare at her with nothing but pain and rage flowing from its form.
"I couldn't come back to the city, to you, with that figure haunting me. I just couldn't. I had to find a way to defeat it, to find the strength within myself again. So, I turned around and wandered. I even went to the North Pole and entered the spirit world through the portal there, hoping to find what I was looking for. I traveled through the Fire Nation and parts of the Earth Kingdom. But I couldn't find it, and still she was always there. A spirit came to my aid and led me to the swamp where I found Toph. It wasn't until I started training with her that I began to hope again after six long months. And when she told me I still had some of the poison in me, that there was an actual physical reason behind what I was feeling… Gods Asami it was like the sun had finally come out for the first time in three years. I felt validated and alive again. Pulling that poison out of myself was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I did it. If I had come back when I originally planned, it wouldn't have ended well. I know that now. The way I went about it was terrible, but I had to face that part of myself on my own."
Korra looked back at Asami and the older girl had sunk down to sit in the sand, her arms still wrapped tightly around herself as she stared out into the bay, towards the rocks Korra had pointed to earlier.
"Please say something."
"What do you want me to say, Korra? What is anyone supposed to say when they find out their best friend, the person they care about most in the world, nearly killed themself three years ago and was so certain they might try again that they left you behind to worry for three years? I don't know what to say. And I'm feeling so many different things right now I don't really know where to start."
"What are you feeling? Please tell me."
"I feel angry! I'm angry that you would ever let yourself think that you had to go that far, that your life isn't worth anything beyond what you can do as the Avatar. I'm heartbroken at the thought of how close I came to losing you in my life and not even realizing it. I'm terrified that there's going to come a day when you're going to lose a battle and break just enough that you'll leave me behind for good and go through with it. That I won't be able to stop you…" Asami was crying again in earnest, her voice getting louder and louder as Korra sunk to her knees in front of her.
"And I'm just so…so happy that you're still here…." Asami sobbed before launching herself in Korra's arms.
I did warn you in the author note that it gets heavy. Don't worry too much about our girls, they're going to get through this. But I personally feel this conversation needed to happen. I wrote this very carefully so as to not overshadow their conversation at the wedding. We're getting there, I promise.