Chapter 24: Realizing the Truth

Carolyn straightened her back with a sigh, sitting up on her knees. She looked around over her small back garden. She was busy today. She pulled out every weed, planted new flowers… She had to keep her hands busy or she would just go crazy. Meredith and Derek were constantly on her mind.

How did it come to this point where that two people that were so utterly consumed by their love for each other could part? Carolyn rarely complained about life's injustice, life was simply what people made it, life. But she did question the order of this world, first, when her husband was taken away from her and now, as her children were no longer together. It was life's unfairness at its fullest.

She chastised herself immediately, she shouldn't lose hope. Meredith lost all hope and expectations, Derek didn't even have a clue yet what he lost. So, she had to keep it together. They loved each other with a love that was everlasting and imperishable. They would be back together, married, giving her grandchildren one day. Or she would never forgive herself.

"Evening, Carolyn!" her neighbor and friend greeted her from the other side of the fence.

"Marge!" she nodded.

"It looks lovely!" Margaret swept the fruits of her work appreciatively. "You've worked like a devil!"

"Now we know who's the lucky owner of the best kept garden in the neighborhood!" Carolyn smirked.

"You're going to take that back!" Marge laughed. "By the way, I've just seen Derek walking to the house. He seemed off. He's not getting cold feet, I hope? I want to dance at that wedding before I'm completely old!"

"I'll see what he needs," breathed out Carolyn standing up with a heavy heart. "I'll see you later, Marge!"

Her son was here. According to Marge, he seemed off. She had told him specifically not to come back before he came to some conclusions. She knew he'd be in pain, but it was necessary to face it now if he didn't want to hold that pain for the rest of his life.

She quietly crossed the house looking for him and finally stopped in the doorway to the kitchen. Her heart clenched as she took him in, sitting at the table, his back hunched, his head buried in his hands.

"Derek?" she asked cautiously. "Son?"

"Meredith… left me," he breathed out, his voice hollow and still a bit disbelieving but slowly embracing the truth. "Mer left me…"

Carolyn was fighting her own tears now as she walked to stand behind his chair and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "She did, Sweetie."

"How… how didn't I see it coming?"

"You didn't and that's why she left," she said softly.

"But I can't live without her!" it came out strangled and pained.

"She left you physically but didn't stop loving you…"

He turned to her slowly and confessed quietly, "She wants to though."

"No one likes hurting," she admitted. "But it's one thing to tell yourself to stop feeling and actually make it happen."

"What am I to do?" he asked helplessly.

"That's for you to find out. You need to realize what you did wrong, what you didn't do right, and rectify it. It won't be easy, it will be harsh, sometimes agonizing. But… it's the only way back to Meredith."

"It's worth it," he stated decidedly. "I'll do whatever it takes to get her back."

"Good. Because if you ever lose faith and stop fighting for her, God have you in his mercy!"

He plunged back into silence under her scrutiny.

"Perhaps you're hungry? I'll get you something-"

"No, thanks, Mom," he grimaced grabbing his side. "I'm… not really hungry…" Both the current situation in his private life and his case of the day left him far from craving for food.

"You need your strength, Dear," she admonished.

"I'll wait for breakfast. Can't really stomach anything right now."

"Maybe you'd like to stay here for the night?"

"Oh, God, yes. Thanks Ma," he breathed out with gratitude. He was more willing to sleep under the bridge than alone in what was supposed to be their apartment.

He was fooling himself if he thought sleeping in his childhood home would actually make it better. It was even more torturous in a way. He stared at the ceiling for hours rubbing the small scar on his forehead, the only physical trace of his accident. Meredith would kiss it every night before falling asleep. It was a ritual.

He gruffly turned on his side, beating the pillow with his head. Whatever he looked at reminded him of her. Doing homework together, talking, laughing, having fun, making out, exploring their bodies… They spent so many nights squeezed together in the single bed. It felt too large for him now even if it was almost too short for a full-grown man.

He threw the covers off himself and sat up. He was restless. He got up thinking that a glass of cold water would cool the fuzziness in his brain. He didn't even reach the stairs. He stopped before the door to the guest room which in time turned into Meredith's room, as if it had called his name. with a beating heart, he pushed it open and walked inside. He knew it would probably be even more painful, but he couldn't prevent his legs from carrying him in, his mind from replaying the past.

The room was emptier than his. After his mother allowed them to sleep together, they didn't have to sneak anymore and just moved all the things she kept here to his room. But the guest room still had the charm of them falling in love, of giving up their innocence to one another.

His hand smoothed the single quilt covering the bed. He slowly lowered himself down. A new jolt of pain shot through his body, more acute than ever before, making him gasp from lack of breath. He was lightheaded. He felt himself sweating profusely. Something was constricting his chest, his lungs, his throat…

A longing such as he never knew surged through his soul. An unquenchable yearning for her. For her mischievous smile, naughty glint in her big emerald eyes, the softness of her skin, its flowery scent that enveloped him every night for years on end. The balmy whisper carried through the night, her warmth, her love… It was the light of his life making everything else pale in comparison.

He disappointed her. He disappointed her so much she couldn't even see his love for her anymore. How much of an idiot must he have been? He couldn't believe… He couldn't believe… He pressed his eyelids tight as he felt burning spreading in his throat. He blinked furiously. He was not going to cry. He had to be strong. To make it right with Meredith and his own conscience.